Part 2

"One hears strange stories about Chicago," said the woman in the chinchilla tricorne, "but I never believed half of them until I went there a while ago on a visit. Will you believe, my dear, that I went to a dinner where there was a little silver trumpet beside each soup plate?"

"What were they for?" inquired the girl with the violets.

"I didn't know at first, but I found out later that they were called 'soup coolers,' and were used for blowing the soup!" said the traveled one.

*A BRIGHT PUPIL*

A pupil in one of the rural schools of Lehigh County, Pennsylvania, was told by his teacher to form a sentence with the word "cuckoo" in it. The youngster at once replied, "Chust because she made those cuckoo eyes."

*A VIEW IN SCOTLAND*

Two smart young men from London once came upon a respectable-looking shepherd in Argyleshire, and accosted him with:

"You have a very fine view here--you can see a great way."

"Yu ay, yu ay, a ferry great way."

"Ah! you can see America here, I suppose?"

"Farrar than that."

"How is that?"

"Yu jist wait tule the mists gang awa' and you'll see the mune."

*A SLIGHT MISUNDERSTANDING*

Colonel Maltby tells of a neighbor of his at St. David's who went home at a rather unusual hour of the day.

"Can you tell me of my wife's whereabouts?" he asked of the family servant.

Bridget hesitated for a moment and then replied, "Faith, to tell ye the truth, I really belave they're in the wash."

*THE SKYSCRAPER*

At a recent dinner there were present a Frenchman and his wife who had recently come to America. They were having some difficulty with our language.

In the course of the conversation, the Frenchman remarked to his neighbor at table, "I haf moosh interest in your high beeldings in zis countree. Vot you call zem--sky creepers?"

"Oh, no," broke in his wife, "zat iss not right. It iss sky scratchers."

*POOR JUDGMENT*

"But, papa," protested Gladys, "I am not a bit too young to marry. You know perfectly well that you married mamma when she was eighteen, and I am a whole year older than that."

"I know, but I never thought much of your mother's judgment in that respect."

*HE WOULD TAKE IT WITH HIM*

Horace T. Eastman, the inventor of the locomotive pilot, is said to be responsible for this story.

"I was sitting in a drug store waiting to get a prescription filled, when a young Irishman entered. He pointed to a stack of green castile soap and said:

"'Oi want a loomp o' thot.'

"'Very well, sir,' said the clerk, 'will you have it scented or unscented?'

"'Oi'll take ut with me,' said the Irishman."

*CORRECT*

"Who can tell me who our first President was?" asked the teacher.

"George Washington," instantly answered a bright boy.

"George Washington was our first President," replied the teacher, "and this is what you should have said. Never reply to such questions in monosyllables. Now, who can tell me what I have on my feet?"

"Shoes," spoke up one boy.

"You have not answered correctly. Who can answer that question in a correct manner?"

"Stockings," suggested another boy.

"No, no, no! That is not the way."

At this a boy in a back seat began to wave his hand eagerly. "Well, what have I on my feet, Johnnie?"

"Corns," replied John triumphantly.

*THE UNPRONOUNCEABLE HYMN*

An anecdote is narrated of a negro evangelist who held evening services in a chapel formerly used by the Anglican Church. In a hymnal, which had been left there, he found an old familiar hymn suitable for his sermon, but the Roman number CXIX somewhat confused him and he was not at once able to announce it.

As was the custom, he read the verses through, still showing signs of embarrassment and then reread the first stanza. This did not seem to aid him or the congregation, and at last he straightened himself and said with dignity, "Brethren, let us sing the Skeesix Hymn."

*A PAINFUL DEATH*

During a celebrated murder trial in New York City there were among the many interested spectators two men, between whom the following conversation occurred:

"The evidence will convict the prisoner sure," remarked one.

"Not only convict him, but will hang him," returned the other.

"Man alive! They don't hang murderers in New York!"

"Well, what do they do with them?"

"Kill them with elocution."

*HE DID*

Judge Parker is said to tell as a favorite story the tale of a young man in Savannah named Du Bose, who invited his sweetheart to take a buggy ride with him. The young woman had a very fetching lisp. When they reached a rather lonesome bit of road the young man announced:

"This is where you have to pay toll. The toll is either a kiss or a squeeze."

"Oh, Mr. Du Both!" exclaimed his companion.

*NOT AT HOME*

A caller stopped at the house of a certain man and asked if he was at home.

"'Deed, an' he's not," replied the woman who answered his ring.

"Can you tell me where he is?"

"I cannot."

"When did you see him last?"

"At his funeral."

"And who may you be?"

"I'm his remains," said the widow, and she closed the door.

*MIXED PROVERBS*

On a cabbage patch owned by a negro in a Southern community oil was found. Speculators offered the negro $20,000, which was accepted without waiting to consider another proposition, said to be worth $40,000.

"What is this about your cabbage patch?" inquired a neighbor of the negro. "I understand you have sold it for $20,000."

"Yas, that's true, boss," replied the negro. "Yo' see, men come picking round my place an' dey say dar's oil heah. Dey say, 'We gib yo' $20,000.' I say 'All right.'"

"I am told if you had waited a day or two you might have sold it for $40,000?"

"Yas, dat mebbe so; but a bird in the hand's th' nobles' work of God!"

*AN ENDLESS CHAIN*

A lady who was visiting the home of a friend had just given each of the children a penny. When the savings bank was produced and the coins were deposited therein, the lady made the remark that the children had a lot of money.

"Oh, yes," said little Mary. "Mamma is very good to us. Every time we take our castor oil without crying she gives us a penny."

"And what do you do with all the money?" asked the visitor.

"Why, mamma buys some more castor oil with it!"

*IT WOULD DEPEND*

Franklin B. Gowen at one time tried a case in court against a man who was defended by a lawyer named Browne. The issue involved was an important one and every point was vigorously contested. During the trial Mr. Gowen frequently referred to Mr. Browne as "Mr. Brow-nie," which embarrassed the lawyer so much that the presiding judge noticed it. "Mr. Gowen, the name of the plaintiff's counsel is Browne, not Brow-nie. Now, my name is Greene, G-r-e-e-n-e, and you wouldn't call me Gree-nie, would you?" To which Mr. Gowen replied, "That will depend altogether on how you decide this case."

*NECESSARY LABOR*

The other Sunday two small boys were industriously digging in a vacant lot, when a man who was passing stopped to give them a lecture.

"Don't you know that it is a sin to dig on Sunday, unless it be a case of necessity?" asked the good man.

"Yes, sir," timidly replied one of the boys.

"Then why don't you stop it?"

"'Cause this is a case of necessity," replied the little philosopher. "A feller can't fish without bait."

*THE RETORT COURTEOUS*

Daniel Webster was noted for his ready wit, and the following example of it is told by a man whose father heard the statesman's retort:

Webster was standing one afternoon on Pennsylvania Avenue, in Washington, talking with a Senator from South Carolina. Between them there was a certain ill-concealed enmity. As they were talking a drove of mules was driven past them. The Senator remarked:

"Webster, why don't you bow? There go some of your constituents."

Quick as a flash Webster took off his hat, and, bowing gravely, replied:

"Yes, Senator, we are sending them down South to teach school."

*A RESPONSIVE CHORD*

A woman of Madison County, New York, was in Washington during the second term of President Cleveland and with her husband took occasion to go to see the chief executive at one of the large public receptions. All was new and grand to the couple, but the sight of the endless line of handshakers elicited the genuine sympathy of the old woman for the First Lady of the Land. No doubt, this feeling was considerably stimulated by her own weariness from long standing in line, which had about exhausted her strength as well as her patience. When finally she did reach the president and his wife, she exclaimed:

"Mrs. Cleveland, be you very tired?"

With quick adaptability and very gentle earnestness, Mrs. Cleveland replied:

"Yes, I be."

*HE WAS RAISED*

A year ago a manufacturer hired a boy. For months, there was nothing noticeable about him except that he never took his eyes off the machine he was running. A few weeks ago, the manufacturer looked up from his work to see the boy standing beside his desk.

"What do you want?" he asked.

"Want my pay raised."

"What are you getting?"

"Three dollars a week."

"Well, how much do you think you are worth?"

"Four dollars."

"You think so, do you?"

"Yes, sir, an' I've been thinkin' so fer three weeks, but I've been so blame busy, I haven't had time to speak to you about it."

*NOT A FAIR HEAD*

An Irishman was arrested and convicted for killing a man in a fight at a fair by cracking him over the head with a shillalah. At the trial it was shown that the victim possessed a very thin skull and the Irishman being asked if he had anything to say before sentence was pronounced, replied:

"No, your honor; but was that a skull for a man to go to a fair with?"

*AN UNUSUAL SIGHT*

A captain of an English regiment stationed at Natal, while paying off his company, chanced to give one of his new recruits a Transvaal half crown which bears the image and superscription of Paul Kruger. The fellow soon returned with the coin and, throwing it on the table, declared it was bad. The officer took the piece of money and rang it on the table.

"It sounds all right, Atkins: what's the matter with it?" he asked.

"Well, sir," replied Atkins, "if you say it's all right, it's all right, but it's the first time I've seed the Queen with whiskers on."

*VERY LONG AGO*

In the northwestern section of the city there is a teacher who has charge of a primary class. One morning she was giving her pupils a lesson on the Civil War and wished to impress on their minds how long ago it had occurred.

"Just think, children," she said, "it was so long ago that even I don't remember it."

"O-o-o-o Gee!" exclaimed one of the boys.

*FASHIONABLE LOVE*

Little Mary's big sister was engaged to Mr. Brown, who was away on a trip with Mary's brother. Her father was writing to his son and prospective son-in-law and asked the little girl if she had any message to send to Mr. Brown.

"What shall I say, papa?" asked she

"Why," said the father, "I believe it is the fashion to send your love."

A few minutes later her father inquired, "And what shall I say to brother Tom?"

"Well," replied the little miss, with a sigh, "you may send my fashionable love to Mr. Brown and my real love to brother Tom."

*NOT THEIR SORT*

One warm summer day, Bishop C----, who is fond of donning old clothes and tramping through the mountains of West Virginia, entered an inn where several men were drawn up at the bar.

"Come join us," called out one of the men hospitably.

"No, thank you," said the bishop. "The fact is, I never drink."

"Do you eat hay?" retorted the West Virginian, nettled at the bishop's refusal and eying him quizzically.

"No," was the bland reply.

"Then I say," drawled the mountaineer looking at the others to see the effect of his witticism, "then I say, you're not fit company for man or beast."

*FOLLOWING THE SEA*

Two Irishmen had taken a day off and had gone on a little pleasure trip to Atlantic City. Walking beside the sea one of them exclaimed:

"Pat, would yer like to follow the sea always?"

"Shure, an' that Oi would," replied Pat, "if Oi could go the whole distance on the boardwalk."

*HE RESPECTFULLY SUBSCRIBED*

One of the stories attributed to Bishop Potter concerns a young and inexperienced clergyman who had just been called to a city charge. At the end of the first month his salary was paid by a check, and he took it to the bank and passed it in at the paying-teller's window. The official looked at it and then passed it back.

"It's perfectly good," he said, "but I will have to ask you to indorse it."

The young clergyman took his pen and wrote across the face of the check, "I respectfully subscribe to the sentiments herein expressed."

*PROOF OF ACCIDENT*

The lady of the house was congratulating herself on obtaining a very good cook--the only trouble was her carelessness.

One day hearing a dish fall and break, and the cook's remark, "Hup, there she goes!" she called her, and said:

"Can't you be more careful? You seem to enjoy breaking dishes."

"Indade," replied the cook consolingly, "'tis only cheap chinyware you use; shure, there's no pleasure in breakin' thot koind."

*A POWERFUL POISON*

A certain high school teacher amused his students the other day during a lecture on chemistry by relating a story about an old German professor who, in narrating the fact that cyanide of potassium was a very deadly poison, went so far as to say that "one drop of this stuff placed on the tongue of a rabbit would kill the strongest man!"

*WHY HE LAUGHED*

On one occasion, Dan Leno, the London comedian, had appeared at a house in Park Lane, and given his best entertainment. The languor of his listeners made him feel not too happy, and he was glad to retire to the dressing-room allotted him. While he was removing the paint a very young peer, who had strolled after him, told Leno in the most approved drawl that some of his sayings had really been rather funny.

"Especially that one, you know, where your wife made a pancake on a gridiron and the pancake slipped through and put the fire out. That made me laugh awfully, because I know what a gridiron is. I have seen one."

*A SAFEGUARD*

One cool day last June, just after the public bathhouses had been opened, a boy of ten or twelve came into school with his hair very wet. The teacher at. once surmised that he had been indulging in a bath, and asked him about it. He admitted the fact.

"Weren't you afraid you'd take cold?" she asked.

"No, ma'am, the water is filtered."

*HOW SHE DEPARTED*

At an employment bureau, an Irish girl was asked regarding her past record. She gave satisfactory replies to all the questions, but had no reason for leaving the place she had last held. Finally she was asked point blank:

"Now tell me, did you have any words with your mistress that led to your giving up the position?"

"Niver a wor-rd, sor," she was quick to respond, "niver a wor-rd, shure; Oi jist quietly locked the dure in the bathroom whin she was insoide, tuk all me things, sor, and lift the place."

*CONCEALING HIS CONTEMPT*

That doughty Pennsylvanian, Thaddeus Stevens, once displayed so much annoyance and disgust with the decision in a case on which he was engaged that he reached for his hat and started out of the court-room in the most informal way. Near the door he was stopped by the voice of the judge:

"Mr. Stevens, are you trying to express your contempt for the court?"

"No, your honor," Stevens replied, "I am trying to conceal it."

*THE PHYSICIAN'S FEE*

A very eminent physician had cured a little girl of a dangerous illness. "Doctor," said the mother, "I really don't know how to express my gratitude, but thought perhaps you would be so kind as to accept this purse embroidered by my own hands."

"Madam," replied the doctor coldly, "small presents serve to sustain friendships; but they don't sustain our families. A physician's visits should be rewarded in money."

"But, doctor," said the lady alarmed and wounded, "speak, tell me the fee."

"Two hundred dollars, madam."

The lady opened the embroidered purse, took out five bank notes of one hundred dollars each, gave two to the doctor, put the remaining three back in the purse, bowed coldly and departed.

*TWO TO ONE*

Seated in a crowded traction car some time since was a very-stout woman who weighed about three hundred pounds, and beside her, squeezing into a space about three inches broad, was a messenger boy--one of those very small abused-looking boys.

The stout woman, after looking about the car for a while, noticed two young ladies standing near her and, turning to the small boy beside her, said:

"Little boy, why don't you get up and let one of those young ladies sit down?"

"Why don't you get up and let 'em both sit down?" replied the boy much to the amusement of the rest of the passengers.

*A GOOD REASON*

A professor tells this story at his own expense:

He was instructing a class of boys about the circulation of the blood and to make sure that they understood him he said, "Can you tell me why it is that if I stood on my head the blood would rush to my head, and when I stand on my feet, there is no rush of blood to the feet?"

Then a small boy after pausing for a short time answered, "It is because your feet are not empty, sir."

*IN MOURNING*

His wife had been dead but a few weeks when a young farmer living near Reading, Pennsylvania, a typical Berks County German, made good the deficiency and married again. That there should be no violation of the proprieties, however, was soon made plain by his treatment of the bride's proposal that he drive her to town on the following Sunday.

"What!" he exclaimed, "you sink I ride out wit anoter woman so soon after the deat' of my wife?"

*SELF-SACRIFICE*

The friends of a certain merchant had been interested for several months in a house which he had been building in the suburbs. It was a modern dwelling the exterior of which was attractive, but few had yet seen the interior. One morning friend met the merchant on a trolley car.

"So your house is built at last?" said the friend.

"Yes."

"But I thought the plans didn't suit you?"

"Oh, they don't," came the reply; "but they suit my wife, the architect, and the cook."

*PRE-NUPTIAL CONFIDENCES*

She was an exacting young woman and before she would promise to marry him, he had to answer a great many questions relating to his past life. He thought he had given her a very fair account of himself, but, just when the wedding ceremony was about to take place, he remembered an omission and, fearing that she might have cause for future reproach, he whispered in her ear:

"Mary, there is one thing I have not told you yet. I am a Universalist. Does it matter, love?"

"No, I guess not, dear," said the bride serenely, "I am a somnambulist."

*WONDERED HOW THEY MET*

Not very far from one of our large cities lives a happy little family of three, father, mother and a little lad of about five years.

"Father, where were you born?" asked the youthful heir.

"In Chester," replied his father.

"And where was mother born?"

"Your mother was born in London."

"But father, where was I born?"

"My child, you were born in Philadelphia. Why do you ask?"

"Oh, nothing, only I think it's very funny how we three people ever met one another."

*AFTER DEATH IN AFRICA*

Two old-time darkies were engaged in a discussion of death and its mysteries when Uncle Mose said:

"Reuben, does you b'lieve dat whin a pusson dies he kin turn into a dorg er a chicken?"

"Well, I dunno," answered Reuben, "ef you had yo' way whin you dies, would you turn to a chicken?"

"Dat depend altogedder."

"Altogedder on what?"

"On whedder er not you lived in de nearabouts."

*IS AND HAS BEEN*

An Englishman went into a restaurant in a New England town and was served for his first course with a delicacy unknown to him. So he asked the waiter what it was and the waiter replied:

"It's bean soup, sir."

Upon this the Englishman rejoined in high dudgeon, "I don't care what it's been, I want to know what it is."

*THE COMPENSATION OF LIFE*

Bridget and Pat were sitting on a sofa reading an article on "The Laws of Compensation."

"Just fancy," exclaimed Bridget, "accordin' to this, whin a mon loses wan av 's sinses another gits more developed. For instance, a bloind mon gits more sinse av hearin' an' touch, an'----"

"Shure an' it's quite thrue," answered Pat, "Oi've noticed it mesilf. Whin a mon has wan leg shorter than the other, begorre the other's longer."

*IN THE SLEEPING CITY*

A young New Yorker was in Philadelphia recently to call upon a few friends, expecting to return to New York on a midnight train. Being detained longer than he had expected, he determined to remain in the city all night. When he had been told in four different first class hotels that there was no room to be had he began to despair, but at the fifth he was more successful.

"Not until tonight," he remarked to the clerk at the hotel where he was finally accommodated, "did I put any stock in the saying that Philadelphia is a great place to sleep in; but it must be, seeing that people come here to pay hotel rates for the privilege."

*A NATURAL CONCLUSION*

A bad little boy who lives in a suburb of the city crawled under the bed the other day when his mother wanted to punish him. She could not get him out without considerable difficulty and consequently decided to let him remain there until his father returned in the evening from the city.

When the father arrived and was told of the trouble, he started to crawl under the bed to bring out the disobedient child, but was very much astonished when the little fellow called out, "Hello, is she after you, too?"

*HIS APOLOGY*

There was an old judge in Pennsylvania whose decisions, in consequence of numerous reversals, did not always command universal respect. One day in a case on which he was sitting, one of the lawyers lost patience at his inability to see things in a certain light and, in the heat of the moment, remarked that the intellect of the Court was so dark that a flash of lightning could not penetrate it. For this contempt, the judge demanded a public apology. The following day the lawyer accordingly appeared before his honor and made amends by saying:

"I regret very much that I said the intellect of the Court was so dark lightning could not penetrate it. I guess it could. It is a very penetrating thing."

*ALWAYS WANTED THE BEST*

An old German couple, living in a quiet town, had met slight financial reverses which caused the wife considerable worriment, while her better half was inclined to take the matter philosophically and make the best of the situation. In the course of her complaints, she one day said:

"Ach! I vish I vas dead."

"I don't," said her husband. "I vish I vas in a beer saloon."

"Dot's it! Dot's it!" replied the spouse. "Dot's chust like you. You always vants de best."

*ACCORDING TO WEIGHT*

The scene was a crowded street car. The car stopped and a very thin man started to work his way out. He had great difficulty in squeezing through a space between two very stout men and at last got angry.

"People who ride on street cars ought to pay according to weight," he snapped to the conductor.

"If they did," answered one of the big fellows good naturedly, "the car wouldn't stop for you."

*LARGE ENOUGH*

One day last summer two small boys were playing near the country road. A young lady approached them.

"Little boy," said she, "can you tell me if I can get through this gate to the pike?"

"Yes'm, I think so. A load of hay went through five minutes ago."

*SO HE WOULD*

Charlie Brown, aged ten years, has a baby brother about three weeks old, of which he is very proud. A neighbor who delights to tease met Charlie on the street a few days ago and said to him:

"Charlie, what makes that baby over at your house cry so much? I never heard a baby cry so often. Why it cries all the time."

Charlie looked at his interlocutor a moment and replied: