Chapter 3

OH! sir, replied the cobbler's wife at ease, Do you suppose that use can hope to please, And like your ladies full of sense appear? (For two were seated with his wedded dear;) Perhaps my lady 'd act as you describe, But ev'ry one such prudence don't imbibe.

THE PEASANT AND HIS ANGRY LORD

ONCE on a time, as hist'ry's page relates, A lord, possessed of many large estates, Was angry with a poor and humble clod, Who tilled his grounds and feared his very nod. Th' offence (as often happens) was but small, But on him, vowed the peer, his rage should fall-- Said he, a halter, rascal, you deserve; You'll never from the gallows-turnpike swerve: Or, soon or late you swinging will be found Who, born for hanging, ever yet was drowned? Howe'er you'll smile to hear my lenient voice; Observe, three punishments await your choice; Take which you will.--The first is, you shall eat, Of strongest garlick, thirty heads complete; No drink you'll have between, nor sleep, nor rest; You know a breach of promise I detest. Or, on your shoulders further I propose, To give you, with a cudgel, thirty blows. Or, if more pleasing, that you truly pay, The sum of thirty pounds without delay.

THE peasant 'gan to turn things in his mind:-- Said he, to take the heads I'm not inclined; No drink, you say, between; that makes it worse; To eat the garlick thus, would prove a curse. Nor can I suffer on my tender back, That, with a cudgel, thirty blows you thwack. Still harder thirty pounds to pay appeared; Uncertain how to act, he hanging feared. The noble peer he begged, upon his knees, His penitence to hear, and sentence ease. But mercy dwelled not with the angry lord Is this, cried he, the answer?--bring a cord. The peasant, trembling lest his life was sought; The garlick chose, which presently was brought.

UPON a dish my lord the number told; Clod no way liked the garlick to behold. With piteous mien the garlick head he took, Then on it num'rous ways was led to look, And grumbling much, began to spit and eat, just like a cat with mustard on her meat, To touch it with his tongue he durst not do; He knew not how to act or what pursue. The peer, delighted at the man's distress, The garlick made him bite, and chew, and press, Then gulp it down as if delicious fare; The first he passed; the second made him swear; The third he found was every whit as sad, He wished the devil had it, 'twas so bad. In short, when at the twelfth our wight arrived, He thought his mouth and throat of skin deprived. Said he, some drink I earnestly intreat; What, Greg'ry, cried my lord, dost feel a heat; In thy repasts dost love to wet thy jaws? Well! well! I won't object; thou know'st my laws; Much good may't do thee; here, some wine, some wine! Yet recollect, to drink, since you design, That afterward, my friend, you'll have to choose The thirty blows, or thirty pounds to lose. But, cried the peasant, I sincerely pray, Your lordship's goodness, that the garlick may Be taken in the account, for as to pelf, Where can an humble lab'rer, like myself, Expect the sum of thirty pounds to seize? Then, said the peer, be cudgelled if you please; Take thirty thwacks; for naught the garlick goes. To moisten well his throat, and ease his woes, The peasant drank a copious draught of wine, And then to bear the cudgel would resign.

A SINGLE blow he patiently endured; The second, howsoe'er, his patience cured; The third was more severe, and each was worse; The punishment he now began to curse; Two lusty wights, with cudgels thrashed his back And regularly gave him thwack and thwack; He cried, he roared, for grace he begged his lord, Who marked each blow, and would no ease accord; But carefully observed, from time to time, That lenity he always thought sublime; His gravity preserved; considered too The blows received and what continued due.

AT length, when Greg'ry twenty strokes had got, He piteously exclaimed:--if more's my lot I never shall survive! Oh! pray forgive, If you desire, my lord, that I should live. Then down with thirty pounds, replied the peer, Since you the blows so much pretend to fear; I'm sorry for you; but if all the gold Be not prepared, your godfather, I'm told, Can lend a part; yet, since so far you've been, To flinch the rest you surely won't be seen.

THE wretched peasant to his lordship flew, And trembling cried--'tis up! the number view! A scrutiny was made, which nothing gained; No choice but pay the money now remained; This grieved him much, and o'er the fellow's face; The dewy drops were seen to flow apace. All useless proved:--the full demand he sent, With which the peer expressed himself content. Unlucky he whoe'er his lord offends! To golden ore, howe'er, the proud man bends:

'TWAS vain that Gregory a pardon prayed; For trivial faults the peasant dearly paid; His throat enflamed--his tender back well beat-- His money gone--and all to make complete, Without the least deduction for the pain, The blows and garlick gave the trembling swain.

THE MULETEER

THE Lombard princes oft pervade my mind; The present tale Boccace relates you'll find; Agiluf was the noble monarch's name; Teudelingua he married, beauteous dame, The last king's widow, who had left no heir, And whose dominions proved our prince's share.

No Beauty round compare could with the queen; And ev'ry blessing on the throne was seen, When Cupid, in a playful moment, came, And o'er Agiluf's stable placed his flame; There left it carelessly to burn at will, Which soon began a muleteer to fill, With LOVE'S all-powerful, all-consuming fire, That naught controls, and youthful breasts desire.

THE muleteer was pleasing to the sight: Gallant, good-humoured, airy, and polite, And ev'ry way his humble birth belied; A handsome person, nor was sense denied; He showed it well, for when the youth beheld, With eyes of love, the queen, who all excelled, And ev'ry effort anxiously had made, To stop the flames that would his heart invade; When vain it proved, he took a prudent part:--

WHO can, like Cupid, manage wily art? Whate'er stupidity we may discern, His pupils more within a day can learn, Than MASTERS knowledge in the schools can gain, Though they in study should ten years remain; The lowest clown he presently inspires, With ev'ry tendency that love requires; Of this our present tale's a proof direct, And none that feel--its truths will e'er suspect:

THE am'rous muleteer his thoughts employed; Consid'ring how his wish might be enjoyed. Without success to certainty were brought, Life seemed to him not worth a slender thought; To hazard ev'ry thing; to live or die! Possession have!--or in the grave to lie!

THE Lombard custom was, that when the king, Who slept not with his queen, (a common thing In other countries too), desired to greet His royal consort, and in bed to meet, A night-gown solely o'er his back he threw, And then proceeded to the interview, Knocked softly at the door, on which a fair, Who waited on the queen with anxious care, Allowed the prince to enter; took his light, (Which only glimmered in the midst of night,) Then put it out, and quickly left the room:-- A little lantern to dispel the gloom, With waxen taper that emitted rays-- In diff'rent countries various are their ways!

OUR wily, prying, crafty muleteer, Knew well these forms were current through the year: He, like the king, at night himself equipped, And to the queen's superb apartment slipped. His face concealed the fellow tried to keep; The waiting dame was more than half asleep; The lover got access:--soon all was clear; The prince's coming he had but to fear, And, as the latter had, throughout the day, The chase attended an extensive way, 'Twas more than probable he'd not be led, (Since such fatigue he'd had,) to quit his bed.

PERFUMED, quite neat, and lively as a bird, Our spark (safe entered) uttered not a word. 'Twas often customary with the king, When state affairs, or other weighty thing, Displeasure gave, to take of love his fill, Yet let his tongue the while continue still. A singularity we needs must own, With this the wife was long familiar grown.

OUR am'rous wight more joys than one received, If our narrator of the tale's believed; (In bed a muleteer is worth three kings, And value oft is found in humble things.) The queen began to think her husband's rage Had proved a stimulus such wars to wage, And made him wond'rous stout in pleasure's sport, Though all the while his thoughts were-'bout the court.

WITH perfect justice Heav'n its gifts bestows; But equal talents all should not compose. The prince's virtues doubtless were designed, To take command, and govern o'er mankind. The lawyer, points of difficulty views, Decides with judgment, and the truth pursues. In Cupid's scenes the muleteer succeeds:-- Each has his part:--none universal meeds.

WITH pleasures feasted, our gallant retired, Before the morn fresh blushes had acquired. But scarcely had he left the tender scene, 'Ere king Agiluf came to see his queen, Who much surprise expressed, and to him said: My dear, I know your love, but from this bed, You'll recollect how recently you went, And having wonders done, should be content. For heav'n's sake, consider more your health; 'Tis dearer far to me than Croesus' wealth.

WITHIN the royal breast suspicions rose, But nothing then the monarch would disclose. He instantly withdrew without a word; His sentiments to speak had been absurd, And to the stable flew, since he believed The circumstances, which his bosom grieved, Whate'er mysterious doubts might then appear, Proceeded from some am'rous muleteer.

WHEN round the dorture he began to creep, The troop appeared as if dissolved in sleep, And so they truly were, save our gallant, Whose terrors made him tremble, sigh, and pant: No light the king had got; it still was dark; Agiluf groped about to find the spark, Persuaded that the culprit might be known, By rapid beating of the pulse alone. The thought was good; to feel the prince began, And at the second venture, found his man, Who, whether from the pleasures he'd enjoyed, Or fear, or dread discov'ry to avoid, Experienced (spite of ev'ry wily art,) At once quick beating of the pulse and heart. In doubt how this adventure yet might end, He thought to seem asleep would him befriend.

MEANWHILE the king, though not without much pains, Obtained the scissors used for horses' manes. With these, he said, I'll mark the fond gallant, That I may know again the one I want.

THE monarch from the muleteer with care, In front, snipt off a bulky lock of hair. This having done, he suddenly withdrew; But carelessly away the trophy threw; Of which the sly gallant advantage took, And thus the prince's subtle project shook; For instantly began our artful spark, His fellow servants like himself to mark.

WHEN day arrived the monarch was surprised, To see each muleteer alike disguised; No hair in front of either now was seen; Why, how is this? said he: What can it mean? Fifteen or more, if I believe my sight, My wife has satisfied this very night. Well! well! he'll now escape if mum he prove; But there again I trust he ne'er shall move.

THE SERVANT GIRL JUSTIFIED

BOCCACE alone is not my only source; T'another shop I now shall have recourse; Though, certainly, this famed Italian wit Has many stories for my purpose fit. But since of diff'rent dishes we should taste; Upon an ancient work my hands I've placed; Where full a hundred narratives are told, And various characters we may behold; From life, Navarre's fair queen the fact relates; My story int'rest in her page creates; Beyond dispute from her we always find, Simplicity with striking art combin'd. Yet, whether 'tis the queen who writes, or not; I shall, as usual, here and there allot Whate'er additions requisite appear; Without such license I'd not persevere, But quit, at once, narrations of the sort; Some may be long, though others are too short.

LET us proceed, howe'er (our plan explained:) A pretty servant-girl a man retain'd. She pleas'd his eye, and presently he thought, With ease she might to am'rous sports be brought; He prov'd not wrong; the wench was blithe and gay, A buxom lass, most able ev'ry way.

AT dawn, one summer's morn, the spark was led To rise, and leave his wife asleep in bed; He sought at once the garden, where he found The servant-girl collecting flow'rs around, To make a nosegay for his better half, Whose birth-day 'twas:--he soon began to laugh, And while the ranging of the flow'rs he prais'd, The servant's neckerchief he slyly rais'd. Who, suddenly, on feeling of the hand, Resistance feign'd, and seem'd to make a stand; But since these liberties were nothing new, They other fun and frolicks would pursue; The nosegay at the fond gallant was thrown; The flow'rs he kiss'd, and now more ardent grown They romp'd and rattl'd, play'd and skipt around; At length the fair one fell upon the ground; Our am'rous spark advantage took of this, And nothing with the couple seem'd amiss.

UNLUCKILY, a neighbour's prying eyes Beheld their playful pranks with great surprise, She, from her window, could the scene o'erlook; When this the fond gallant observ'd, he shook; Said he, by heav'ns! our frolicking is seen, By that old haggard, envious, prying quean; But do not heed it; instantly he chose To run and wake his wife, who quickly rose;-- So much the dame he fondl'd and caress'd, The garden walk she took at his request, To have a nosegay, where he play'd anew Pranks just the same as those of recent view, Which highly gratified our lady fair, Who felt dispos'd, and would at eve repair, To her good neighbour, whom she bursting found, With what she'd seen that morn upon the ground.

THE usual greetings o'er, our envious dame, With scowling brow exclaim'd,--my dear, your fame, I love too much not fully to detail, What I have witnessed, and with truth bewail; Will you continue, in your house to keep A girl, whose conduct almost makes me weep? Anon I'd kick her from your house, I say; The strumpet should not stay another day. The wife replied, you surely are deceiv'd; An honest, virtuous creature she's believ'd. Well, I can easily, my friend, suppose, Rejoin'd the neighbour, whence this favour flows; But look about, and be convinc'd, this morn From my own window (true as you are born,) Within the garden I your husband spi'd And presently the servant girl I ey'd; At one another various flow'rs they threw, And then the minx a little graver grew. I understand you, cried the list'ning fair; You are deceiv'd:--myself alone was there.

NEIGHBOUR

But patience, if you please: attend I pray You've no conception what I meant to say: The playful fair was actively employ'd, In plucking am'rous flow'rs--they kiss'd and toy'd.

WIFE

'Twas clearly I, howe'er, for her you took.

NEIGHBOUR

The flow'rs for bosoms quickly they forsook; Large handfuls frequently they seem'd to grasp, And ev'ry beauty in its turn to clasp.

WIFE

But still, why think you, friend, it was not I? Has not your spouse with you a right to try What freaks he likes?

NEIGHBOUR

But then, upon the ground This girl was thrown, and never cried nor frown'd; You laugh.--

WIFE

Indeed I do, 'twas myself.

NEIGHBOUR

A flannel petticoat display'd the elf.

WIFE

'Twas mine:

NEIGHBOUR

Be patient:--and inform me, pray, If this were worn by you or her to-day? There lies the point, for, if you'll me believe, Your husband did--the most you can conceive.

WIFE

How hard of credence!--'twas myself I vow.

NEIGHBOUR

Oh! that's conclusive; I'll be silent now; Though truly I am led to think, my eyes Are pretty sharp, and much I feel surprise At what you say; in fact, I would have sworn, I saw them thus at romps this very morn; Excuse the hint, and do not turn her off.

WIFE

Why, turn her off?--the very thought I scoff; She serves me well.

NEIGHBOUR

And so it seems is taught; By all means keep her then, since thus she's thought.

THE THREE GOSSIPS' WAGER

AS o'er their wine one day, three gossips sat, Discoursing various pranks in pleasant chat, Each had a loving friend, and two of these Most clearly managed matters at their ease.

SAID one, a princely husband I have got. A better in the world there's surely not; With him I can adjust as humour fits, No need to rise at early dawn, like cits, To prove to him that two and three make four, Or ask his leave to ope or shut the door.

UPON my word, replied another fair, If he were mine, I openly declare, To judge from what so pleasantly you say, I'd make a present of him new-year's day. For pleasure never gives me full delight, Unless a little pain the bliss invite. No doubt your husband moves as he is led; Thank heav'n a different mortal claims my bed; To take him in, great nicety we need; But howsoe'er, at times I can succeed; The satisfaction doubly then is felt:-- In fond emotion bosoms freely melt. With neither of you, husband or gallant, Would I exchange, though these so much you vaunt.

ON this, the third with candour interfer'd; She thought that oft the god of love appear'd, Good husbands playfully to fret and vex, Sometimes to rally couples: then perplex; But warmer as the conversation grew, She, anxious that each disputant might view Herself victorious, (or believe it so,) Exclaim'd, if either of you wish to show Who's in the right, with argument have done, And let us practise some new scheme of fun, To dupe our husbands; she who don't succeed Shall pay a forfeit; all replied, "Agreed." But then, continued she, we ought to take An oath, that we will full discov'ry make, To one another of the various facts, Without disguising even trifling acts. And then, good upright Macae shall decide; Thus things arrang'd, the ladies homeward plied.

SHE, 'mong the three, who felt the most constraint Ador'd a youth, contemporaries paint, Well made and handsome, but with beardless chin, Which led the pair a project to begin; For yet no opportunity they'd found, T' enjoy their wishes, save by stealth around; Most ardently she sought to be at ease, And 'twas agreed the lucky thought to seize That like a chambermaid he should be dress'd, And then proceed to execute the jest, Attend upon the wily, wedded pair, And offer services with modest air And downcast eyes; the husband on her leer'd, And in her favour prepossess'd appear'd, In hopes one day, to find those pleasing charms Resign'd in secret to his longing arms. Such pretty cheeks and sparkling eyes he thought, Had ne'er till then his roving fancy caught; The girl was hir'd, but seemingly with pain, Since PRUDENCE ultimately might complain, That (maid and master both so very young) 'Twould not be wonderful if things went wrong.

AT first the husband inattention show'd, And scarcely on the maid a look bestow'd; But presently he chang'd his conduct quite, And presents gave, with promises not slight; At length the servant feign'd to lend an ear, And anxious seem'd obliging to appear.

THE trap our cunning lovers having laid, One eve this message brought the smiling maid; My lady, sir, is ill, and rest requires, To sleep alone to-night she much desires. To grant the master's wish the girl was led, And they together hurried off to bed.