Chapter 2

AT length, when our advent'rers round had play'd, And danc'd with ev'ry widow, wife, and maid, The full blown lily and the tender rose, Astolphus said, though clearly I suppose, We can as many hearts securely link, As e'er we like, yet better now, I think, To stop a while in some delightful spot, And that before satiety we've got; For true it is, with love as with our meat; If we, variety of dishes eat, The doctors tell us inj'ry will ensue, And too much raking none can well pursue. Let us some pleasing fair-one then engage, To serve us both:--enough she'll prove I'll wage.

JOCONDE at once replied, with all my heart, And I a lady know who'll take the part; She's beautiful; possesses store of wit; And is the wife of one above a cit.

WITH such to meddle would be indiscreet, Replied the king, more charms we often meet, Beneath a chambermaid or laundress' dress, Than any rich coquette can well possess. Besides, with those, less form is oft requir'd, While dames of quality must be admir'd; Their whims complied with, though suspicions rise; And ev'ry hour produces fresh surprise, But this sweet charmer of inferior birth A treasure proves; a source of bliss on earth. No trouble she to carry here nor there; No balls she visits, and requires no care; The conquest easy, we may talk or not; The only difficulty we have got, Is how to find one, we may faithful view; So let us choose a girl, to love quite new.

SINCE these, replied the YOUTH, your thoughts appear, What think you of our landlord's daughter here? That she's a perfect virgin I've no doubt, Nor can we find a chaster round about; Her very doll more innocent won't prove, Than this sweet nymph design'd with us to move.

THE scheme our prince's approbation met; The very girl, said he, I wish'd to get; This night be our attack; and if her heart Surrenders when our wishes we impart, But one perplexity will then remain; 'Tis who her virgin favours shall obtain? The honour 's all a whim, and I, as king, At once assuredly should claim this thing: The rest 'tis very easy to arrange; As matters suit we presently can change.

IF ceremony 'twere, Joconde replied, All cavil then we quickly could decide; Precedence would no doubt with you remain: But this is quite another case 'tis plain; And equity demands that we agree, By lot to settle which the man shall be.

THE noble youths no arguments would spare, And each contended for the spoiler's care; Howe'er Joconde obtained the lucky hit, And first embrac'd this fancied dainty bit.

THE girl who was the noble rival's aim, That ev'ning to the room for something came; Our heroes gave her instantly a chair, And lavished praises on her face and hair; A diamond ring soon sparkled in her eyes; Its pleasing pow'rs at sight obtain'd the prize.

THE bargain made, she, in the dead of night, When silence reign'd and all was void of light, With careful steps their anxious wish obey'd, And 'tween them both, she presently was laid; 'Twas Paradise they thought, where all is nice, And our young spark believ'd he broke the ice.

THE folly I forgive him;--'tis in vain On this to reason--idle to complain; The WISE have oft been dup'd it is confest, And Solomon it seems among the rest. But gay Joconde felt nothing of the kind, A secret pleasure glow'd within his mind; He thought Astolphus wond'rous bliss had missed, And that himself alone the fair had kiss'd; A clod howe'er, who liv'd within the place, Had, prior to the Roman, her embrace.

THE soft amour extended through the night, The girl was pleas'd, and all proceeded right; The foll'wing night, the next, 'twas still the same; Young Clod at length her coldness 'gan to blame; And as he felt suspicious of the act, He watch'd her steps and verified the fact: A quarrel instantly between them rose; Howe'er the fair, his anger to compose, And favour not to lose, on honour vow'd, That when the sparks were gone, and time allow'd, She would oblige his craving, fierce desire;-- To which the village lad replied with ire:-- Pray what care I for any tavern guest, Of either sex; to you I now protest, If I be not indulg'd this very night, I'll publish your amours in mere despite.

HOW can we manage it, replied the belle, I'm quite distressed--indeed the truth to tell, I've promis'd them this night to come again, And if I fail, no doubt can then remain, But I shall lose the ring, their pledg'd reward, Which would, you know for me, be very hard.

TO you I wish the ring, replied young Clod, But do they sleep in bed, or only nod? Tell me, pray; oh, said she, they sleep most sound; But then between them plac'd shall I be found, And while the one amidst Love's frolicks sports, The other quiet lies, or Morpheus courts. On hearing this the rustick lad proposed, To visit her when others' eyes were closed. Oh! never risk it, quickly she replied; 'Twere folly to attempt it by their side. He answer'd, never fear, but only leave The door ajar, and me they'll not perceive.

THE door she left exactly as he said; The spark arriv'd, and then approach'd the bed, ('Twas near the foot,) then 'tween the sheets he slid, But God knows how he lay, or what he did. Astolphus and Joconde ne'er smelt a rat, Nor ever dreamt of what their girl was at, At length when each had turn'd and op'd his eyes, Continual movement fill'd him with surprise. The monarch softly said:--why how is this? My friend has eaten something, for in bliss, He revels on, and truly much I fear, His health will show, it may be bought too dear.

THIS very sentiment Joconde bethought; But Clod a breathing moment having caught, Resum'd his fun, and that so oft would seek: He gratified his wishes for a week; Then watching carefully, he found once more; Our noble heroes had begun to snore, On which he slyly took himself away, The road he came, and ere 'twas break of day; The girl soon follow'd, since she justly fear'd, Still more fatigues:--so off she quickly steer'd,

AT length when both the nobles were awake; Astolphus said, my friend you rest should take, 'Twere better till to-morrow keep in bed, Since sleep, with such fatigues, of course has fled: You talk at random, cried the Roman youth; More rest I fancy you require in truth; You've led a pretty life throughout the night; I? said the king; why I was weary quite, So long I waited; you no respite gave, But wholly seem'd our little nymph t' enslave; At length to try if I from rage could keep, I turn'd my back once more, and went to sleep. If you had willingly the belle resign'd, I was, my friend, to take a turn inclin'd; That had sufficed for me, since I, like you, Perpetual motion never can pursue.

YOUR raillery, the Roman youth replied, Quite disconcerted, pray now lay aside, And talk of something else; you've fully shown, That I'm your vassal, and since you are grown So fond that you to keep the girl desire, E'en wholly to yourself, why I'll retire; Do with her what you please, and we shall see, How long this furor will with you agree.

IT may, replied the king, for ever last, If ev'ry night like this, I'm doom'd to fast.

SIRE, said Joconde, no longer let us thus, In terms of playful raillery discuss; Since such your pleasure, send me from your view; On this the youthful monarch angry grew, And many words between the friends arose; The presence of the nymph Astolphus chose; To her they said, between us judge, sweet fair, And every thing was stated then with care.

THE girl with blushing cheeks before them kneel'd, And the mysterious tale at once reveal'd. Our heroes laugh'd; the treach'ry vile excus'd; And gave the ring, which much delight diffus'd; Together with a handsome sum of gold, Which soon a husband in her train enroll'd, Who, for a maid, the pretty fair-one took; And then our heroes wand'ring pranks forsook, With laurels cover'd, which in future times, Will make them famous through the Western climes; More glorious since, they only cost, we find, Those sweet ATTENTIONS pleasing to the MIND.

So many conquests proud of having made, And over full the BOOK of--those who'd play'd; Said gay Astolphus we will now, my friend, Return the shortest road and poaching end; If false our mates, yet we'll console ourselves, That many others have inconstant elves. Perhaps, in things a change will be one day, And only tender flames LOVE'S torch display; But now it seems some evil star presides, And Hymen's flock the devil surely rides. Besides, vile fiends the universe pervade, Whose constant aim is mortals to degrade, And cheat us to our noses if they can, (Hell's imps in human shape, disgrace to man!) Perhaps these wretches have bewitch'd our wives, And made us fancy errors in their lives. Then let us like good citizens, our days In future pass amidst domestick ways; Our absence may indeed restore their hearts, For jealousy oft virtuous truths imparts.

IN this Astolphus certainly believ'd; The friends return'd, and kindly were receiv'd; A little scolding first assail'd the ear; But blissful kisses banish'd ev'ry fear. To balls and banquets ALL themselves resigned; Of dwarf or valet nothing more we find; Each with his wife contentedly remained:-- 'Tis thus alone true happiness is gained.

THE CUDGELLED AND CONTENTED CUCKOLD

SOME time ago from Rome, in smart array, A younger brother homeward bent his way, Not much improved, as frequently the case With those who travel to that famous place. Upon the road oft finding, where he stayed, Delightful wines, and handsome belle or maid, With careless ease he loitered up and down.-- One day there passed him in a country town, Attended by a page, a lady fair, Whose charming form and all-engaging air, At once his bosom fired with fond desire; And nearer still, her beauties to admire. He most gallantly saw her safely home; Attentions charm the sex where'er we roam.

OUR thoughtless rambler pleasures always sought: From Rome this spark had num'rous pardons brought; But,--as to virtues (this too oft we find), He'd left them,--with his HOLINESS behind!

THE lady was, by ev'ry one, confessed, Of beauty, youth, and elegance possessed; She wanted naught to form her bliss below, But one whose love would ever fondly flow.

INDEED so fickle proved this giddy youth, That nothing long would please his heart or tooth; Howe'er he earnestly inquired her name, And ev'ry other circumstance the same. She's lady, they replied, to great 'squire Good, Who's almost bald from age 'tis understood; But as he's rich, and high in rank appears, Why that's a recompense you know for years.

THESE facts our young gallant no sooner gained, But ardent hopes at once he entertained; To wily plots his mind he quickly bent, And to a neighb'ring town his servants sent; Then, at the house where dwelled our noble 'squire, His humble services proposed for hire.

PRETENDING ev'ry sort of work he knew, He soon a fav'rite with old Square-toes grew, Who (first advising with his charming mate), Chief falc'ner made him o'er his fine estate.

THE new domestick much the lady pleased; He watched and eagerly the moment seized, His ardent passion boldly to declare, In which he showed a novice had no share.

'TWAS managed well, for nothing but the chase, Could Square-toes tempt to quit her fond embrace, And then our falc'ner must his steps attend:-- The very time he wished at home to spend. The lady similar emotions showed; For opportunity their bosoms glowed; And who will feel in argument so bold, When this I say, the contrary to hold? At length with pity Cupid saw the case, And kindly lent his aid to their embrace.

ONE night the lady said, with eager eyes, My dear, among our servants, which d'ye prize, For moral conduct most and upright heart? To this her spouse replied, the faithful part Is with the falc'ner found, I must decide: To him my life I'd readily confide.

THEN you are wrong, said she,--most truly so, For he's a good-for-nothing wretch I know; You'll scarcely credit it, but t'other day, He had the barefaced impudence to say, He loved me much, and then his passion pressed: I'd nearly fallen, I was so distressed. To tear his eyes out, I designed at first, And e'en to choke this wretch, of knaves the worst; By prudence solely was I then restrained, For fear the world should think his point was gained.

THE better then to prove his dark intent, I feigned an inclination to consent, And in the garden, promised as to-night, I'd near the pear-tree meet this roguish wight. Said I, my husband never moves from hence; No jealous fancy, but to show the sense He entertains of my pure, virtuous life, And fond affection for a loving wife. Thus circumstanced, your wishes see are vain, Unless when he's asleep a march I gain, And softly stealing from his torpid side, With trembling steps I, to my lover, glide. So things remain, my dear; an odd affair:-- On this Square-toes 'gan to curse and swear; But his fond rib most earnestly besought, His rage to stifle, as she clearly thought, He might in person, if he'd take the pain, Secure the rascal and redress obtain You know, said she, the tree is near the door, Upon the left and bears of fruit great store; But if I may my sentiments express, In cap and petticoats you'd best to dress; His insolence is great, and you'll be right, To give your strokes with double force to night; Well work his back; flat lay him on the ground:-- A rascal! honourable ladies round, No doubt he many times has served the same; 'Tis such impostors characters defame. To rouse his wrath the story quite sufficed; The spouse resolved to do as she advised. Howe'er to dupe him was an easy lot; The hour arrived, his dress he soon had got, Away he ran with anxious fond delight. In hopes the wily spark to trap that night. But no one there our easy fool could see, And while he waited near the fav'rite tree, Half dead with cold, the falc'ner slyly stole, To her who had so well contrived the whole; Time, place, and disposition, all combined The loving pair to mutual joys resigned. When our expert gallant had with the dame, An hour or more indulged his ardent flame, Though forced at length to quit the loving lass, 'Twas not without the favourite parting glass; He then the garden sought, where long the 'squire, Upon the knave had wished to vent his ire.

NO sooner he the silly husband spied, But feigning 'twas the wily wife he eyed, At once he cried,--ah, vilest of the sex! Are these thy tricks, so good a man to vex? Oh shame upon thee! thus to treat his love, As pure as snow, descending from above. I could not think thou hadst so base a heart, But clear it is, thou need'st a friendly part, And that I'll act: I asked this rendezvous With full intent to see if thou wert true; And, God be praised, without a loose design, To plunge in luxuries pronounced divine. Protect me Heav'n! poor sinner that I'm here! To guard thy honour I will persevere. My worthy master could I thus disgrace? Thou wanton baggage with unblushing face, Thee on the spot I'll instantly chastise, And then thy husband of the fact advise.

THE fierce harangue o'er Square-toes pleasure spread, Who, mutt'ring 'tween his teeth, with fervour said: O gracious Lord! to thee my thanks are due-- To have a wife so chaste--a man so true! But presently he felt upon his back The falc'ner's cudgel vigorously thwack, Who soundly basted him as on he ran, To gain the house, with terror, pale and wan.

THE squire had wished his trusty man, no doubt, Had not, at cudgelling, been quite so stout; But since he showed himself so true a friend, And with his actions could such prudence blend, The master fully pardoned what he knew, And quickly to his wife in bed he flew, When he related every thing that passed Were we, cried he, a hundred years to last, My lovely dear, we ne'er on earth could find A man so faithful, and so well inclined. I'd have him take within our town a wife, And you and I'll regard him during life. In that, replied the lady, we agree, And heartily thereto I pledged will be.

THE HUSBAND-CONFESSOR

WHEN Francis (named the first) o'er Frenchmen reign'd, In Italy young Arthur laurels gained, And oft such daring valour showed in fight, With ev'ry honour he was made a knight; The monarch placed the spur upon his heel, That all around his proper worth might feel. Then household deities at home he sought, Where--not at prayers his beauteous dame he caught: He'd left her, truly, quite dissolv'd in tears; But now the belle had bid adieu to fears; And oft was dancing joyously around, With all the company that could be found.

GALLANTS in crowds Sir Arthur soon perceived; At sight of these the knight was sorely grieved; And, turning in his mind how best to act; Cried he, Can this be truly held a fact, That I've been worthy while I'd fame in view, Of cuckoldom at home, and knighthood too? It ought to be but half:--the truth let's know; From constancy the purest blessings flow. Then like a father-confessor he dressed, And took his seat where priests their flock confessed. His lady absolution sought that day, And on her knees before him 'gan to pray; The minor sins were told with downcast eyes, And then for hearing those of larger size, The husband-confessor prepared his ears:-- Said she, Good father, ('mid a flood of tears), My bed receives, (the fault I fear's not slight,) A gentleman, a parson, and a knight. Still more had followed, but, by rage o'ercome, Sir Arthur cut the thread, and she was mum; Though, doubtless, had the fair been let proceed, Quite long her Litany had been decreed.

THe husband, in a rage, exclaimed, thou jade, A parson, say'st thou? t'whom dost think thou'st made This curst confession?--To my spouse, cried she, I saw you enter here, and came with glee, Supposing you'd a trick to raise surprise; Howe'er 'tis strange that one so very wise, The riddle should not fully comprehend:-- A KNIGHT, the king created you, my friend; A GENTLEMAN, your rank was long ago; A PARSON, you have made yourself you know. Goon heav'ns! exclaimed the knight, 'tis very clear, And I a blockhead surely must appear.

THE COBBLER

WE'RE told, that once a cobbler, BLASE by name; A wife had got, whose charms so high in fame; But as it happened, that their cash was spent, The honest couple to a neighbour went, A corn-factor by trade, not overwise To whom they stated facts without disguise; And begged, with falt'ring voice denoting care, That he, of wheat, would half a measure spare, Upon their note, which readily he gave, And all advantages desired to wave.

THE time for payment came; the money used; The cash our factor would not be refused; Of writs he talked, attorneys, and distress; The reason:--heav'n can tell, and you may guess; In short, 'twas clear our gay gallant desired, To cheer the wife, whose beauty all admired.

SAID he, what anxiously I wish to get, You've plenty stored, and never wanted yet; You surely know my meaning?--Yes, she cried; I'll turn it in my mind, and we'll decide How best to act. Away she quickly flew, And Blase informed, what Ninny had in view. Zounds! said the cobbler, we must see, my dear, To hook this little sum:--the way is clear; No risk I'm confident; for prithee run And tell him I've a journey just begun; That he may hither come and have his will; But 'ere he touch thy lips, demand the bill; He'll not refuse the boon I'm very sure; Meantime, myself I'll hide and all secure. The note obtained, cough loudly, strong, and clear; Twice let it be, that I may plainly hear; Then forth I'll sally from my lurking place, And, spite of folly's frowns, prevent disgrace.

THE plot succeeded as the pair desired; The cobbler laughed, and ALL his scheme admired:

A purse-proud cit thereon observed and swore; 'Twere better to have coughed when all was o'er; Then you, all three, would have enjoyed your wish, And been in future all as mute as fish.