Chapter 5

The politikle sky is orecast with friteful clouds. Darkness is on the face uv the waters. The waves is a rollin mountin high, the litenin flashes ominous thro the gloom, and the deep-mouthed thunder mutters angrily in the distants. Ez a sentinel on the watch-tower, I look out, and what do I see? I see the old ship uv State loaded down with a valuable cargo uv Post-offices, Collectorships, and sich, a laborin in the trough uv the sea, her bowsprit cove in, her top-gallant lanyards bustid, her jib-boom a flutterin in the gale, her capstan spliced, and her sheet anker torn to ribbons. (Not hevin bin a sailor, only ez a driver on the Wabash Kanal, it is possible my nautikle terms may not be altogether correct. But it makes no difference in the interior uv Kentucky.) She is strivin to make her harbor, and is workin manfully. Close behind her is the long, low, rakish skooner Dimocrisy, with all sale set, a tryin her best to overtake her and board her. For a time it seemed ez tho she wood be successful, but alas! she is fallin astern, and every minnit the distance between em is a widenin, widenin, widenin, and at present writin there ain't the remotest prospect uv their gettin within hailin distance uv each other.

To drop mettafor (wich, by the way, I kin jerk when I feel so disposed), the prospect isn't ez encouragin ez it wuz, and I fear, in fact I feel certain, that the short cut to offis wich the Democrisy thought it had found through Androo Johnson's veto, is reely the longest way round. I cannot understand what indoost the Dimocratic leaders, our chosin standard-bearers, to make sich egrejus asses uv theirselves ez to place enny dependence on Johnson at all. What cood they hev bin thinkin uv? Wuz not our experience in 1864 sufficient to deter em from makin any experiment wich involved abandonment uv any uv our principles? Didn't we, in the hope uv ketchin Abolition war votes, nominate MickLellan, and didn't the war men jeer us, and flout us, and say, "Behold, we hev better war men uv our own; why shood we leave home to find that uv wich we hev a plenty?" When Androo Johnson, in a fit uv temporary indignashun, split on Sumner, why did our people, like idiots, pick him up, and endorse him without givin the matter matoor considerashun--without waitin for the fax? Didn't they know that Sumner wuz a sort uv a dose uv calomel, wich worked on the President's liver, and necessitated the discharge uv all the offensive matter wich hed accumulated doorin his long term uv Dimocrisy? Uv course it wuz, and to-day Androo Johnson, hevin in that speech got rid uv the last vestidge uv Dimocrisy wich infected him, comes up a stronger man agin us than ever. We made two errors: On the 4th uv March, 1865, at his inoggerashun, when he made a spectacle uv hisself, we murmured gently to ourselves, "It's all right! he's yet wun uv us." And we sed the same after the splurge uv the 22d uv February last. Oh, my friends, they wuz both fatal errors. Them spasms wuz the efforts uv a noble nacher a tryin to git rid uv Locofocoism, and from the fact that he immejitely after commenst a missellaneously apintin Abilishnists and Republicans to offises, and hezn't showed a sine uv a disposition to extend his hand to a single confidin Democrat, it's my opinion he's succeeded.

We bet too heavy on the fight atween the President and Sumner. Sumner is ordained to alluz hev a gong uv sum kind, which he is also ordained to keep perpetually a poundin. He's bin for several years amusin hisself a poundin the Dimocrisy, and when there wuzn't enuff uv that to make it interestin, he turned on Johnson, and he'll pound at him till suthin else excites his wrath. He's a Spanish bull, possessin sharp horns, and a immense amount uv strength and agility, which he is continooally a wastin by jumpin at sich red flags ez are mischeevusly waved afore him. He's jest ez apt to gore his frends ez his enemies, and his lungin at Johnson wuz no sign that Johnson had gone back on Ablishnism.

But enuff uv this. Sence it hez become a fixed fact that the boorish tailor, who now by accident okkepies the place uv the marter Linkin, made vacant by his untimely death by the hand uv a vile assassin (whose only redeemin trait wuz that he wuz a stanch, uncompromisin Dimocrat),--now, I say, that it's plain that this drunken sot ain't agoin to distribute the patronage amongst us who need it so much, I ask, in indignashun, wat is it that we are asked to endorse?

He proposes to continue the Freedmen's Buro bizness.

He refooses to withdraw the military from the Dimokratic States.

He refooses to restore to our sufferin brethren uv the Dimocratic States the habis corpusses wich the tyrant Linkin wrested from them.

He keeps Jefferson Davis a pinin in a loathsome dungeon, and only refooses to bring him to trial becoz, 4sooth, he haint yet got things in the right shape to hang him.

I cood enumerate other insults and opressions he hez piled upon Dimocrats, but I forbear. I might, if I wuz disposed to harrow up the Dimocratic sole and lasserate the Dimocratic bosom, state how I wuz treated, when, on the 24th uv Febrooary last I made a delegashun uv myself, and went to Washington for the purpose uv layin before him the necessity uv the removal uv the postmaster at the Corners, and the apintment uv myself in his stead. I found that his speech had reached all other parts uv the Yoonited States ez soon ez it hed Kentucky, for there wuz suthin over a hundred thousand stanch Dimocrats there, all with petitions noomerously signed, wich they hed held over from Bookannon's administration, recommendin uv em to places. How wuz we reseeved? How did Androo Johnson treet us? I mite say how emphatically I wuz shoved out uv his room, and with what reckless profanity I heerd him remark that Washington had stunk with secesh ever since he vetoed the bill; that that foolish speech had acted on the whole country like a puke, and that each State had spewed its foulest material onto Washington, and that the atmosphere wuz heavy with their breath, et settry, et settry, but I forbear.

Suffice it to say that the few Democratic members uv Congress had hard work borrowin money enuff to git the most spectable uv the crowd home agin, and even then thousands uv em who wuz drawed there by that speech, shoor uv apintments, wuz obliged to _walk_ home ignominiously, uv whom I wuz which.

Androo Johnson may be worthy uv Dimocratic support, but he hez a queer way uv showin it. I know not wat others may do, but ez for me and my household I'll run after no strange gods. Ef he wants us, let him call on us in language wich we kin understand.

PETROLEUM V. NASBY, Lait Paster uv the Church uv the Noo Dispensashun.

XV.

The Patriarchal System.--An Affecting Appeal in Behalf of a Friend.

CONFEDRIT × ROADS (wich is in the Stait uv Kentucky), March 19, 1866.

Yesterday I happened to pick up a kopy uv a friteful depraved Ablishin paper, and my horror-stricken eyes wuz glued to the follerin passage, which I read:--

"I am happy to state to you that our free negroes are doing finely. We have no trouble with them. They have all gone to work manfully. They give an impetus to trade that we never before had. I have sold John Guttle's negroes, this year and last, more goods than I ever sold Guttle, and he owned two hundred and fifty slaves. So you see the free negro system is working well with us."

Ez I peroozed them lines, tears started involuntarily from my beamin eyes, and coursed in torrents down my venerable cheeks. I know John Guttle well, I may say intimately. He wuz a dear friend,--one uv the few wich I kall friend in the most catholic and comprehensive sense uv the word. He holds my note fur eighteen dollars and 63 cents; and I hev sumwhere among my papers, wich I have alluz carefully preserved for reference, a memorandum uv his address, that I might be shoor not to forget to send it to him. I give him the note becoz he furnished the paper, and it made him easy in his mind--I put down the memorandum bekoz it looked business-like. Benevolence is a prominent trait in my karacter. When givin my note for borrered money will do a man good, I never begrudge the trouble uv writin it.

But wat I wuz a goin to say wuz, that the feendishnis uv that item passes belief. The writer puts it in print to show that the Ablishn uv slavry benefitted sumbody. I grant him that the merchant, who undoubtedly wuz born in Massachusetts, wuz benefitted by the change; so are the greesy mechanics who are now pollutin the soil uv Alabama; and so, probably, are the 250 niggers; but, in the name uv Liberty, in the name uv Justice, in the name uv the Constertooshun uv the Yoonited States, and the flag uv our Common Country, I ask, HOW ABOUT JOHN GUTTLE?

John Guttle is robbed. John Guttle is deprived uv his property. The bred is taken from John Guttle's mouth; his staff is broken; his dependence is gone; he is bereft.

Never shall I forget John Guttle or his hospitable mansion, ez I knowed it in the happy year afore the crooel war. He wuz a gentleman uv the old skool--one uv the few left us in these degenerate days. His home wuz wun uv unalloyed happiness. Situated just back uv Mobeel, he had the finest plantashun in that section, and hed on it 250 niggers. All shades wuz represented. There wuz the coal-black Cuffee, whose feechers denoted the pure Afrikin, and whose awkward manners showed that he wuz not long from Afrika. There wuz the civilized mulatto, in whose veins the Guttle blood showed; the quadroon, in whom the good old Guttle blood predominated; and the octoroon, which wuz mostly Guttle. The Guttleses wuz eminently a Christian generation. They wuz devoutly pious; and there never wuz one uv the name who cood not repeat, without the book, all uv the texts bearin on slavery. The passages in which Onesimus and Hager figger wuz favorites with em; but on "cussid be Canaan" they wuz strong. For generations they had mourned over the hard fate uv the sons uv Ham, doomed to perpetooal bondage becoz uv the sin uv their father; and with a missionary spirit ekaled by few and excelled by none, they did their part towards redoosin that cuss, by makin ez many of em ez possible half-brothers to the more favored race uv Japhet, and thus bringing uv em out uv the cuss; and they had mellered the color uv their charges down from the hideous black to a bright yeller. Under the old patriarkle system, time passed orf smoothly and pleasantly with the Guttle family. Them 250 niggers wuz obliged, uv course, to work, and their labor wuz money. John bought each uv the male sons uv Ham too soots uv close per annum, and each uv the female sons uv Ham one soot. It wuz considered healthy for the young ones to go naked, which they wuz religiously allowed to do, ez none uv the Guttles uv that family wood do any thing agin nater or her laws. The girls hed pianos, and wuz educated at the North; the boys wuz celebrated for horse racing and their skill at losin money at faro. They wuz hospitable and generous to a fault. Their house wuz open house, and their beverages wuz alluz the best. Money wuz no objick to them; for when they had a severe attack of poker, or faro, or hoss racin, they hed plenty uv octoroons and quadroons, with the real Guttle nose, wich brand wuz well known in Noo Orleans, and wood alluz command the highest possible figger that wuz paid in that market; or, ef they had no more than they wanted at home uv that style, why, a few field hands wood be sold, and the remainin ones wood be persuaded by the overseer to do the work uv the whole. John Guttle's sons wuz all in the Confederit army. His daughters, willin to sacrifice every thing fur the cause, heroically pledged theirselves to whip the niggers theirselves doorin their absence.

Now all is changed! A shadder hez fallen across that peaceful home. The nigger quarters is there, but the niggers is not. The broad plantashun is divided up into small farms, and half uv it is owned by Ablishnists from the North, who work theirselves, and who hev a meetin house on one corner uv it, and the niggers a skool house on the tother. The race track is plowed up and in cotton; the whippin-post and the stocks is taken down and burned; all, all the evidences uv civilizashun hez faded afore the ruthless hand of the invader. John Guttle--that generous old man--subsists by the labor uv his own hands. One uv his sons ekes out a miserable existence running a dray in Mobeel; another, who is gifted with no ordinary intelleck, earns a respectable livin playin seven-up; in a small way, with his former niggers; and the two girls is runnin a sewing masheen.

Talk not to me uv benefits. What is a dozen tradesmen and two hundred and fifty niggers to the gellorious old Dimocratic John Guttle? What is the interest uv a dozen or so uv Noo England mechanics, and the niggers aforesaid, when compared to that glorious aristocracy which can never exist beside em? Kin I go and borrer eighteen dollars and sixty-three cents uv one uv them? No. Becoz, working for their paltry livins, they place a higher valyoo on money, and will not spread it around ez profoosely ez the nobble race which preceded em.

Another great wrong is done in this settin free uv John Guttle's niggers. John Guttle hez, uv course, no further interest in the Dimocratic party. Slavery wuz the umbillikle cord which united the Southern slaveholder and the Northern Dimocrat; and, that cord cut, why hez John Guttle any more interest in Dimocracy? We stood ez a Chinese wall between them and the rushin flood uv Ablishn fanaticism; and we made the wall biznis pay. They furnished money, and we did the work; and, there bein but few uv us, the orfisis wuz easily divided. Alas! our okepashin's gone. The South is forever lost to us; for she has no dirty work for us to do.

I appeal to the Yoonited States uv America. In behalf uv John Guttle, I say, give him back his niggers. In behalf uv the Dimocrisy North who are out uv employment, give him back his niggers. In behalf uv his son who is runnin a dray, give him back his niggers. In behalf uv his daughters runnin a sewin machine, give him back his niggers. Make things Normal agin. Like John the Baptist, the Government shall hear the voice uv one howlin in the wilderness until all these is done.

PETROLEUM V. NASBY, Lait Paster uv the Church uv the Noo Dispensashun.

XVI.

A Dream.--The Corpse of Republicanism.--Who the Mourners were, and how they felt.--The awakening of the Sleeping Giant, and the Scattering that followed.

CONFEDRIT × ROADS (wich is in the Stait uv Kentucky), March 30, 1866.

I hev bin to Washinton. That Ablishn Postmaster at the Corners hed become to me a nitemare. Day after day I seed him a handlin guvment money, drawin his salery promptly, and takin his drinks reglerly, while I, a Constooshnel Dimekrat, a supporter uv our great and good President, wuz forced to the humiliashun uv waitin till I wuz treated, ceptin when a new grocery keeper cum in, which gave me a chance to establish a credit for a short time. I felt that sumthin must be done, and therefore I went to Washinton.

Knowin that for men uv my profound convickshins, holdin my views ez to consiliashen and sich, I hed no call to go to the Postmaster-General, who is a Ablishnist, I went dreckly to the Second Jaxon hisself. I succeeded in gettin a audience late in the afternoon. Our patron saint wuz a sittin at a table, eggsausted with receevin delegashens and sich.

"Well," sed he.

"Honerd and spected sir," said I, "I am a applicant for the post orfis at Confedrit × Roads, wich is at present held by a Ablishnist who does not beleeve in yoor policy, wich I do beleeve in solemnly. Spected and honered sir," sed I, "ef I shood have twins born to me this nite, I shood name em both Policy."

"Wich State are yoo from?" sed he, half asleep.

"From Kentucky, honered and spected sir," sed I.

"Well," sed he, yawnin feerfully, and turnin to a clerk, "FILL OUT A PARDON, AND GIVE HIM A COMMISSION!"

"Honered and spected sir," sed I, in a fit of loonacy for wich I can't account, "I don't need a pardon. I wuz never in the late lamented Confedrit servis."

"What'n thunder, then, are yoo here for, beggin a post offis? Git out, yoo imposter!" and I wuz too wunst ignominiously showed to the door. I didn't quite understand the lay uv the land around the White House.

In vane I tried to git back, that I might convince him I did ez much for the Confederasy ez my humble abilities permitted, and that I needed consiliatin ez badly ez anybody. Then, hart broke and dead broke, not heving the wherewith to prokoor more sootable lodgin, I lay me down on the cold stun steps, and sought refuge from my troubles in sleep.

I dreemed a dream. Methawt I wuz in a room in the White House. Stretched out on one side uv the room wuz the corpse uv a giant, a monster in size and strength, but withal uv a pleasin presence, and fair to look upon. Onto its head was a liberty cap, and by its side wuz a sword, considerably dinted, and with all the gildin knocked off.

"Wat is these?" sed I, pointin to the corpse, askin a sort uv a attendant.

"Them," replied he, "is the defunct carcass uv Republikinism. He was a hefty yooth in his day, but he died this mornin. Look! the mourners are a comin to divide his clothes."

And shoor enuff, they came in. At the head wuz the second Jaxon, which the Ablishnists derisively call Moses, who appeared to be angry, and clost behind him wuz Seward, a weepin out uv one eye, and a smilin out uv tother, and Jim Lane, who hed a handkercher wich he occasionally put to his eyes, but wich I notist wuz ez dry ez a lime kiln, and Doolittle, and Lee, and Raymond, and Beauregard, and Cowan, and Stephens, and Thurlow Weed, and Vallandigham, and Governor Sharkey, and a host uv others, all uv wich ranged theirselves around the bier.

"He wuz a promisin yooth," sed Seward, a puttin his handkercher to his eyes, "but the atmosphere uv the White House wuz too much for him. I insist, however," sed he, a pocketin the handkercher, and takin hold uv a trinket the corpse held in his hand, labelled "Presidency, 1868," from which hung mor'n a million uv smaller trinkets, "that ez 'twas me that pizened him, this is mine."

"Nary," sed Johnson; "I did the biziness for him, and it's mine."

"Settle it ez yoo please," sed Raymond, gently, "but whoever gits it must remember that this Secretaryship is mine."

"And I," sed Doolittle, "must hev, for my assistance, this little affair marked 'St. James,' for my seat in the Senit is a goner."

"For my part," sed Jim Lane, "the western appointments is mine. Its worth em all to wear this collar."

"My friends," sed Stephens, "I find no amnesty about the corpse. There must be one manufactured and stuck in his pocket, to be prodoost at the funeral."

Thurlow Weed sed nothin, but looked on with a sardonic smile, knowin perfeckly well that whoever took the biggest part uv the plunder, he'd control it, any way.

Governor Sharkey laid claim to a secretaryship, and Boregard to the place uv Sherman, and Lee to Grant's position, and Vallandigham wanted this, and tother feller that, and there wuz a terrible hubbub over the corpse. Wilkes Booth's gost came in, and wanted to know what he wuz to hev in the new deal, "for," sed he, "ef't hadn't bin for me, where'd yoo all hev bin? Talk uv the White House atmosphere killin him! I'm sure the shadder uv the buildin blasted what little uv his spirit yoo hed," sed he, a turnin to Seward, "but ef Linkin hed lived, ha, ha!" sed he, in a tragedy voise. Then in trooped a lot uv other gosts. There wuz Bill Allen, uv Ohio, and Washington Hunt, uv Noo York, and Jeems Bookannon, uv Pennsylvania, and Eli Thayer, and Lew. Campbell, and Garret Davis, who started to make a speech, but the entire assemblage stuck their fingers in their ears, wich hint he took for the first time in his life, and desisted.

Finally Johnson swore "by the eternal" (he got that noshun from the first A.J., wich he thinks he resembles, coz his innitials is the same, and coz the original vetoed a bill wunst) that he wood hev the Presidency, and gobbled it. Seward, he snatched at it, and they tussled. The company stood by to see it out, for it made but little difference to them wich got it. In the skrimage Johnson happened to ram Seward up agin a window on the north side uv the room, and smashed it out. Jest then a blast uv north wind poured into the room through the aperture, and blowed onto the face uv the corpse. The effect was electrikle. Life ran through his veins, his face flushed, and the livid hue was changed to the ruddy glow uv health. The dead wuz alive; the giant raised to his feet, and looked around him, shakin off them ez wuz a hangin to him like insex. Noticin the trinket wich hed caused the skrimage in Johnson's hand, he took him by the neck, and twistin it out uv his hand, flung him gently through the winder. "I ain't made up my mind who to give this to, but yoo bet it ain't yoo," sed he.

"Willyum," sed he, turnin to Seward, "I'm surprised at yoo. Wuz this bauble the price uv yoor honesty and yoor principle? Go, Willyum! Ez for yoo, Doolittle, yoo never wuz half baked; yoo, Thurlow, put Raymond in your vest pocket, and quit the presence. Yoo, Jim Lane, I leave to the tender mercies uv my friends in Kansas. Clear out the balance uv this rabble, and send for my friends. I've bin pizened, and smothered, and stunk nigh to death. Clear out the house, and sweep it, and sprinkle chloride uv lime; and sich, all over it. Shut down them Southern windows, and open those on the North, East, and West sides. I want a snuff uv fresh air, for I--"

At this pint I awoke, and found myself, not in the White House, but on the steps thereof, cold and shiverin. In my pocket wuz the papers wich didn't get me the post orifis I wuz seekin, and in my mind wuz chaotic confusion. Wuz the dream prophetic, or wuz it merely a vagary uv the mind, wich, wen loosed from its clay, sores off onto its own hook, without any restraint. Is the giant Republican actually dead, or is he in a trance? Will it arise, and scatter them ez hez appinted themselves administrators uv its estate, and wich are beginnin to divide the assets, or will he stay ded? Wood, oh wood, that I knowed!

PETROLEUM V. NASBY, Lait Paster uv the Church uv the Noo Dispensashun.

XVII.

A Kentucky Tea Party.--Opinion entertained by Mrs. Deacon Pogram of Charles Sumner.--Discussion between Mrs. Deacon P. and an Illinois Store-keeper of the name of Pollock.--Miscegenation.

CONFEDRIT × ROADS (wich is in the Stait uv Kentucky), April 1, 1866.

Charles Sumner is not a very popular man in this section uv Kentucky; on the contrary, quite the reverse. He is known here ez an Ablishnist; ez one who is a chief supporter uv that hidjus sin--the infidelity, I may say, for a man may ez well deny the whole Bible ez to cast discredit upon Onesimus, Hagar, and Ham, onto wich the whole system uv Afrikin slavery rests--the origenator, therefore, uv the infidle beleef that Slavery is not uv divine origin, wich, judgin from the experience uv the last five years, appears to be gainin ground in the North. He is not, therefore, popular in this region.

Yisterday I attendid a tea party at Deekin Pogram's, to wich the elite uv the Corners wuz present, incloodin an Illinoy store-keeper uv the name uv Pollock, wich hed bin invited because the Deekin hed, some three months ago, bought a bill uv goods uv him on ninety days' time, and wantid an extension.

While at the table enjoyin the

"Cup wich cheers, but don't intoxicate very much,"