Chapter 2

Methawt the Ablishnists had asserted the power we diskivered they possest, after the late elecshuns, and had gone the whole figger. They had forced the South into the humiliashen uv allowin niggers to testify, and in the Northern states had given em the elective franchise. Uv course the edecated and refined democrasy wood never consent to be carried up to the polls alongside uv a nigger--uv course no Democratic offis-seeker wood hoomiliate himself to treatin a nigger afore a election, it bein a article uv faith with us never to drink with a nigger, onless he pays for it.

Therefore, bein helpless, and resolvin never to submit, the heft uv the Democrasy determined to emigrate in a body to some land where the Anglo-Sackson cood rool,--where there was no mixter of the disgustin African. Mexico wuz the country chosen, and methawt the entire party, in one solid column, marched there. Our departure was a ovation. The peeple on our route wuz all dressed in white, ez a token uv joy, and from every house hung banners, with inscriptions onto em, sich ez,--

"Now is our hen-roosts safe!"

"Canada on its way to Mexico!"

"Poor Mexico--we bewail thy fate!"

Our march resembled very much that uv the childern uv Isrel. Our noses wuz the pillers uv fire by nite, and our breath the piller uv smoke by day.

On our arrival to Mexico, the natives of that country, struck probably with awe at the majestic and flamin expression uv our countenances, hastily gathered up their linen, and silver spoons, and hosses, and sich, and retreated to the mountains. It wuz a kompliment to us that them ez hadn't ennything remained.

Finally we reached a plain, where we, the modern childern uv Isrel, decided to remane, and, uv course, the fust thing to do wuz to form a guvernment.

Methawt Fernandy Wood, uv New York, wuz chosen viva voce, ez President, and he stept forerd to hev the oath administered to him, wich wuz 2 be dun by the oldest Justis uv the Peece uv the late stait uv Noo Gersey, wich hez committed sooicide. Here a new trouble ensood--there wuzn't a bible to be found in the whole encampment. The difficulty wuz got over by a New York Alderman yellin out, "Never mind the oath. What's the yoose uv any oath _he_ takes?" So he wuz declared President.

Prest. Wood then proceeded to organize. He requested sich ez hed held commissions in the army uv the Yoonited States to step forerd three paces. Gens. Micklelan, Buel, Fitsjohn Porter, & Slocum stept forerd, and with em some 4,000, a part uv whom hed held quartermasters' commissions, and whose accounts,

"Jest afore the battle, mother,"

didn't balance, but wich alluz did jist after, and others who hed bin dismist for bein in the rear, when their sooperiors desired to see em in the front, and who consekently considered it a d----d Ablishun war, wich they didn't approve uv no how.

Then hevin ascertained the material for officerin his army, he axed all them who bed bin in the service as privates to step forerd. 20,000 obeyed, and the President asked the fust one where he enlisted, who ansered ez follows:--

"At Noo York, April 12, 1864, bounty $1,000; and at Philadelphia, April 14, 1864, bounty $700; and at Pittsburgh, April 16, 1864, bounty $800; and at Cincernati, April 19, 1864, bounty $400; and at--"

"Enough," said Fernandy, and glancin down the line, and seein all the faces were uv the same style and expression, he asked no more uv em any questions.

Remarkin that it wuz well enough to establish a church, he desired all who were ministers uv the Gospel to step forerd. 21 stept out and desired to explain. They cood not say that they were just now in full connexion with any church. They hed bin, but their unconstooshnel Ablishin Synods and conferences hed accoosed em uv irregularities in hoss tradin, and various other irregularities, and suspended em, and silenced em and sich, becoz they were Democrats, but--

The President shrugged his sholders, and asked all who cood read to step out. About one-half answered, and then he requestid sich uv this number ez cood be prevaled upon to accept a small office, and who bleeved theirselves fit, to step out agin, and to my unutterable horror and consternation, every one but five stepped out ez brisk ez so many bees. Immejitly there wuz an uproar. Them ez coodent read swore vociferously that there wuz nothin fair about _that_ arrangement. They never knowd that a man wuz obliged to be able to read to hold office in the Democratic party, and they'd never stand that, and they all stepped out.

Finally it wuz decided that a election should be held at some fucher time.

The next step wuz to divide em up into employments. The President requested them ez preferred to foller mekanikle employments to step out: Sum thirty advanced. Them ez preferred farmin: About fifty stept out. Them ez expected to run small groceries:

There wuz a sound like the rush uv many waters. Ninety-eight per cent, uv all--ceptin the officers and preachers--sprung to the front, but when they saw ther strength, their faces turned white. "Good Lord!" whispered they; "we can't make a livin out uv the remainin two per cent. and the officers and preachers!"

The mass then demanded a division uv the property, that all mite start alike, but upon takin a inventory, it wuz found not wuth while to bother about a division.

Then they commenced murmurin, and sed wun to another, "Oh for the flesh pots uv the Egypt we left!" "I cood, at hum, live off my Ablishn nabers." "There wuz rich men in our ward, but ez we hed the majority, _they_ paid taxes, which _we_ spent!" "Ablishnists is pizen, but it is well enough to hev enough uv em to tax!" and ez wun man, they resolved to return, and the confusion that resulted from the breakin up awoke me.

There is onquestionably a moral in the vision. Ez often ez I hev syed for perpetual Democratic majorities, I hev sumtimes, when our party wuz successful, and bid fair to be so permanently, wondered what we would do with the Treasury ef we didn't lose the offices occasionally, so ez to hev the other party nurse it into pickin condition for us.

I don't think I shood like to live in a unanimous Dimocratic community.

PETROLEUM V. NASBY, Lait Paster uv the Church uv the Noo Dispensashun.

IV.

A Change of Base--Kentucky.--A Sermon which was interrupted by a Subjugated and Subdued Confederate.

CONFEDRIT × ROADS (wich is in the Stait uv Kentucky), December 9, 1865.

Here in the grate Stait uv Kentucky, the last hope uv Democrisy, I hev pitched my tent, and here I propose to lay these old bones when Deth, who has a mortgage onto all uv us, shall see fit to 4close. I didn't like to leave Washinton. I luv it for its memories. Here stands the Capitol where the President makes his appintments; there is the Post Offis Department, where all the Postmasters is appinted. Here it was that Jaxon rooled. I hed a respex for Jaxon. I can't say I luved him, for he never yoosed us rite. He hated the Whigs ez bad ez we did, but after we beat em and elevated him to the Presidency, the stealins didn't come in ez fast ez we expected. Never shel I forgit the compliment he paid me. Jest after his election I presented myself afore him with my papers, an applicant for a place. He read em, and scanned me with a critic's eye.

"Can't yoo make yoose uv sich a man ez me?" sez I, inquirinly.

"Certinly," sez he; "I kin and alluz hev. Its sich ez yoo I use to beet the whigs with, and I am continyooally astonished to see how much work I accomplish with sich dirty tools. My dear sir," sed he, pintin to the door, "when I realize how many sich cusses ez yoo there is, and how cheap they kin be bought up, I really tremble for the Republic."

I didn't get the office I wantid.

Yet ez much ez I love Washinton, I wuz forced to leave it. I mite hev stayed there, but the trooth is, the planks uv that city and the pavements are harder, and worse to sleep on, than those uv any other city in the Yoonited Staits. I hed lived two months by passin myself off ez Dimekratic Congressmen, but that cood only last a short time, there not bein many uv that persuasion here to personate. I had gone the rounds uv the House ez often ez it wuz safe, and one nite commenced on the Senit. Goin into Willard's, I called for a go uv gin, wich the gentlemanly and urbane bar keeper sot afore me, and I drank. "Put it down with the rest uv mine," sez I, with a impressive wave uv the hand.

"Yoor name?" sez he.

Assoomin a intellectual look, I retorted, "Do you know Charles Sumner?"

Here I overdid it; here vaultin ambition o'er-leaped herself. Hed I sed "Saulsbury," it mite have ansered, but to give Sumner's name for a drink uv gin wuz a peece uv lunacy for wich I kan't account. I wuz ignominiously kicked into the street. Drinks obtained at the expense uv bein kicked is cheep, but I don't want em on them terms; my pride revolted, and so I emigrated. The gentlemanly and urbane conductors uv the Pennsylvania Central passed me over their road. They did it with the assistance uv two gentlemanly and urbane brakesmen, wich dropped me tenderly across the track, out uv the hind eend uv the last car.

I found here a church buildin, uv wich the congregation had bin mostly killed in bushwhackin expeditions, and announsin myself ez a constooshnel preacher from Noo Gersey, succeeded in drawin together a highly respectable awjience last Sunday.

Takin for a text the passage, "The wagis uv sin is death," I opened out ez follows:--

"Wat is sin? Sin, my beloved hearers, is any deviashen from yer normal condishen. Yoor beloved pastor hez a stumick and a head, wich is in close sympathy with each other, so much so, indeed, that the principal biznis uv the head is to fill the stumick, and mighty close work its been for many years, yoo bet. Let yoor beloved pastor drink, uv a nite, a quart or two more than his yoosual allowance, more than his stumick absolootely demands, and his head swells with indignashen. The excess is sin, and the ache is the penalty.

"The wagis uv sin is death! Punishment and sin is ez unseperable ez the shadder is from the man--one is ez shoor to foller the other ez the assessor is to kum around--ez nite is to foller day. The Dimekratic party, uv wich I am a ornament, hez experienced the trooth uv this text. When Douglas switched off, he sinned, and ez a consekence, Linkin wuz elected, and the Sceptre departed from Israel. When--"

At this pint in the discourse, a old man in the back part uv the house ariz and interrupted me. He sed he hed a word to say on that subjick which must be sed, and ef I interrupted him till he got through he'd punch my hed; whereupon I let him go on.

"Trooly," sez he, "the wages of sin is deth. I hev alluz bin a Dimecrat. The old Dimocracy hez bin in the service uv sin for thirty years, and the assortment uv death it hez received for wages is trooly surprisin. Never did a party commence better. Jaxon wus a honist man, who knew that righteousnis wuz the nashun's best holt. But he died, and a host uv tuppenny politicians, with his great name for capital, jumped into his old clothes, an undertook to run the party. Ef the Dimocracy coold hev elected a honist man every fourth or fifth term, they mite hev ground along for a longer period, but alars! Jaxon wuz the last of that style we hed, and so many dishonist cusses wuz then in the Capital that his ghost coodent watch the half uv them.

"The fust installment uv deth we reseeved wuz when Harrison beet us. The old pollytishens in our party didn't mind it, for, sez they, 'The Treasurey woodent hev bin wuth mutch to us ennyhow after the suckin it has experienced for 12 years; it needs 4 years uv rest.' We elected Poke, and here it wuz that Sin got a complete hold uv us. Anshent compacts made with the devil wuz alluz ritten in blud. We made a contract with Calhoonism, and that wuz ritten in blud wich wuz shed in Mexico. Here we sold ourselves out, boots and britches, to the cotton Democricy, and don't our history ever sence prove the trooth uv the text, 'The wages uv sin is deth?' O, my frends! in wat hevy installments, and how regularly, hez these wages bin pade us.

"Our men uv character commenst leavin us. Silas Write kicked out, and wood hev gone over agin us hed he not fortunately died too soon, and skores uv uthers followed soot. Things went on until Peerse wuz elected. The Devil (wich is cotton), whom we wuz servin, brot Kansas into the ring, and wat a skatterin ensood.

"Agin, the men uv character got out, and gradually but shoorly the work uv deth went on. Bookannon wuz elected, but wuz uv no yoose to us. After Peerse hed run the machine four yeers, wat wuz there left? Eko ansers. Anuther siftin follered, and the old party wich wunst boasted a Jaxon hed got down to a Vallandigum. The Devil, to wich we hed sold ourselves, wood not let us off with this, however. 'The wages uv sin is deth,' and we hed not reseeved full pay ez yet. He instigated South Karliny to rebel; he indoosed the other Democratic States to foller; he forced the Northern Democrisy to support em, and so on. That wuz the final stroke. Dickinson, and Cass, and Dix, and Todd, and Logan, all left us, and wun by wun the galaxy uv Northern stars disappeared from the Democratic firmament, leaving Noo Gersey alone, and last fall, my brethrin, she sot in gloom.

"Oh, how true it is! We served sin faithfully, and where are we? We went to war for slavery, and slavery is dead. We fit for a confederacy, and the confederacy is dead. We fit for States Rites, and States Rites is dead. And Democracy tied herself to all these corpses, and they hev stunk her to death.

"Kentucky went heavy into the sin biznis, and whar is Kentucky? We sent our men to the confedrit army, and none uv em cum back, ceptin the skulkers, who comprised all uv that class wich we wood hev bin glad to hev killed. Linkin wantid to hev us free our niggers, and be compensatid for em. We held on to the sin uv niggers, and now they are taken from us with nary a compensate. In short, whatever uv good the Devil promised us in pollytix hez resulted in evil. My niggers is gone, my plantashen here hez fed alternately both armies, ez they cavorted backerds and forrerds through the Stait, my house and barns wuz burnt, and all I hev to show for my property is Confedrit munny, which is a very dead article uv death. I know not what the venerable old sucker in the pulpit wuz a goin to say, but ef he kin look over this section uv the heritage, and cant preach a elokent sermon on that text, he aint much on the preach. I'm dun."

Uv coarse, after a ebulition of this kind, I cooldn't go on. I dismist the awdience with a benedickshun, hopin to get em together when sich prejudiced men aint present.

PETROLEUM V. NASBY, Lait Paster uv the Church uv the Noo Dispensashun.

V.

The Effect the Proclamation of Secretary Seward produced in Kentucky.

CONFEDRIT × ROADS (wich is in the Stait uv Kentucky), December 20, 1865.

At last! The deed is dun! The tiranikle government which hez sway at Washington hez finelly extinguished the last glimerin flicker uv Liberty, by abolishin slavery! The sun didn't go down in gloom that nite--the stars didn't fade in2 a sickly yeller, at wich obstinacy uv nachur I wuz considably astonished.

I got the news at the Post Offis (near wich I am at present stayin, at the house uv a venerable old planter, who accepts my improvin conversation and a occasional promise, wich is cheap, ez equivalent for board). Sadly I wendid my way to his peaceful home, dreadin to fling over that house the pall uv despair. After supper I broke to em ez gently ez I cood the intelligence that three-fourths uv the States hed ratified the constooshnel amendment--that Seward had ishood his proclamation, and that all the Niggers wuz free!

Never did I see sich sorrer depicted on human countenance--never wuz there despair uv sich depth. All nite long the bereaved inmates uv that wunst happy but now distracted home wept and waled in agony wich wuz perfectly heart rendin.

"Wo is me," sobbed the old man, wringin his hands.

"John Brown's karkis hangs a danglin in the air, but his sole is marchin on.

"It took posseshun of Seward, and thro his ugly mouth it spoke the words 'the nigger is free,' and there is no more a slave in all the land.

"Wunst I hed a hundred niggers, and the men were fat and healthy, and the wenches wuz strong, and sum uv em wuz fair to look upon.

"They worked in my house, and my fields, from the rising uv the sun to the goin down uv the same.

"Wuz they lazy? I catted them till they wuz cured thereof; for lo! they wuz ez a child under my care.

"Did they run away? From Kentucky they run North, and lo! the Locofoco Marshals caught them for me, and brought them back, and delivered them into my hand, without cost, sayin, lo! here is thy nigger--do with him ez thou wilt (wich I alluz did), wich is cheeper than keepin dogs, and jest as good.

"Solomon wuz wise, for he hed uv konkebines a suffishensy, but we wuz wiser in our day than him.

"For he hed to feed his children, and it kost him shekels uv gold and shekels uv silver, and much corn and oil.

"We hed our konkebines with ez great a muchness ez Solomon, but we sold their children for silver, and gold, and red-dog paper."

And all nite long the bereaved old patriarch, who hed alluz bin a father to his servants (and a grandfather to menny uv em) poured out his lamentations.

In the mornin the niggers wuz called up, and ez they all hed their koats on, and hed bundles, I spect they must hev heard the news. The old gentleman explained the situation to em.

"Yoo will," sed he, "stay in yoor happy homes--you will alluz continue to live here, and work here, ez yoo hev alluz dun!"

The niggers all in korious, with a remarkable unanimity, remarkt that ef they hed ever bin introdoost to theirselves, they thought they woodent. In fact, they hed congregated at that time for the purpose uv startin life on their own hook.

A paroxysm uv pain and anguish shot over the old man's face. Nearest to him stood a octoroon, who, hed she not bin tainted with the accurst blood uv Ham, wood hev bin considered beautiful. Fallin on her neck, the old patriarch, with teers a streamin down his furrowd cheeks, ejackilated,--

"Farewell, Looizer, my daughter, farewell! I loved yoor mother ez never man loved nigger. She wuz the solace uv my leisure hours--the companion uv my yooth. She I sold to pay orf a mortgage on the place--she and yoor older sisters. Farewell! I hed hoped to hev sold yoo this winter (for yoo are still young), and bought out Jinkins; but wo is me! Curses on the tirent who thus severs all the tender ties uv nachur. Oh! it is hard for father to part with child, even when the market's high; but, Oh God! to part thus--"

And the old gentleman, in a excess uv greef, swoonded away genteely.

His son Tom hed bin caressin her two little children, who wuz a half whiter than she wuz. Unable to restrain hisself, he fell on her neck, and bemoaned his fate with tetchin pathos.

"Farewell, farewell, mother uv my children! Farewell faro, and hosses, and shampane--a long farewell! Your increase wuz my perquisites, and I sold em to supply my needs. Hed you died, I cood hev bin resigned; for when dead you ain't wuth a copper; but to see yoo torn away livin, & wuth $2,000 in enny market--it's too much, it's too much!"

And he fainted, fallin across the old man.

"Who'll do the work about the house?" shreekt the old lady, faintin and fallin across Tom.

"Who'll dress us, and wash us, and wait on us?" shreekt the three daughters, swoonding away, and fallin across the old woman.

My first impulse wuz to faint away myself, and fall across the three daughters; but I restraned myself, and wuz contented with strikin a attitood and organizin a tablo. Hustlin the niggers away with a burnin cuss for their ingratitood, I spent the balance uv the forenoon in bringin on em too. Wun by wun they became conshus; but they wuz not theirselves. Their minds wuz evidently shattered; they wuz carryin a heavy heart in their buzzums.

Wood, Oh! wood that Seward cood hev seen that groop! Sich misery does Ablishinism bring in its trane--sich horrers follers a departure from Dimikratic teechins. When will reason return to the people? Eko answers, When?

PETROLEUM V. NASBY, Lait Paster uv the Church uv the Noo Dispensashun.

VI.

A Conversation with a Loyal Kentuckian, who had Faith in the final Triumph of Democracy.

CONFEDRIT × ROADS (wich is in the Stait uv Kentucky), January 6, 1866.

I see a lite. Democricy is not that dead karkis its enemies hoped for and its friends feared. My noomerious friends here insisted that ez I wuz growin into the seer and yaller leaf, I shood abandon Dimocrisy, and flote with the current. I cant. Ez troo ez the needle to the pole, so am I to Dimocrisy. Young wimmin flock to marryins, middle-aged ones to bornins, and old ones to buryins, which shows concloosively to the most limited intelleck wat the mind uv each class runs upon. So it is with me. To me Dimocrisy is wife, mother, and child.

I hev diskivered many things sense I hev bin in Kentucky--things wich elevated my deprest heart ez yeast does dough, wich filled my shrunken soul ez wind does a bladder.

The people uv Kentucky wuz all loyal. Doorin the horrible fratrisidle war wich hez rent the proud temple uv liberty into twain, they preserved a strict nootrality. I hed a conversation with wun old patriarch, who asshoored me that he hed never taken sides.

Upon his honor, he asshoored me that, after battles, he rifled the corpses uv both armies, impartially. "Cood any boddy be more nootraller than that?" he asked. "My sons," sed he, "wuz in the confedrit army. This fact wood hev turned the affections uv a week-minded man in that direction; but when I thot uv the boys, I alluz thot also uv that gellorious star-spangled banner, under wich I hed whipped my niggers and sold their children; under whose shadder I hed men servants, and made servants, and home-made servants born unto me. That banner hed bin my shield. Ef my niggers run off, who so prompt in their pursoot ez the Democratic marshals, wich alluz returned em to me ef it wuz possible? The instooshun wuz guaranteed to me by solemn compermises, wich we cood hev ez often ez we desired. Compermises wuz our best holt. Whenever we wanted anything, all we hed to do wuz to ask for it. The Ablishinists wood object, the Dimocrisy wood draw up a compermise, wich inklooded, ez a rool, twice or 3 times wat we asked, and pass it to save the Union. Sich a Union wuz worth havin, and I opposed all efforts to dissolute it. Hed the South succeeded, I shood hev gone with em; for Kentucky alone--the only nigger State in the North--wood hev bin helpless. Scaldin tears hev I shed when contemplatin the horrors uv war; but I cood do nothin to avert it. Kentucky wuz loyal, but nootral."

I find down here that the loyal citizens uv Kentucky who hev returned from the confedrit service are not at all discouraged; on the contrary, they are hopeful. Sed one to me (I bleeve he wuz a Kernel under Gen. Forest; indeed, I think he told me he participated in the glorious victory at Fort Piller),--

"Why art thou cast down? Things is workin eggsackly to our hand."

In a mournful tone, I retorted that I failed to perseeve it.

"I kin," sez he. "Lookye, my venerable friend. Is the Northern Dimocrisy still troo?"

"They is," I replied, "wat few remains. But, alas! war, crool war, hez decimated our ranks five times."