Chapter 13

"My liege, on my return from the Philadelphia Convention I tarried a while in Berks county, which is in Pennsylvania, and is distinguished for the unanimity with which they vote Democracy. My liege, they learned down there mor'n six weeks ago that the war wuz over, and therefore yoo coodent stir em up on drafts. Taxes they had got used to, and that didn't move em; and so the speaker wuz emptyin school-houses by talkin uv the results uv a glorious war, wich they all opposed, and praisin our mutual friend Seward, wich they had alluz hated as a Ablishnist, and hedn't heerd yet that he had jined the Demokracy. Wuz it any wonder that we went under? Ther ain't but one thing left to us, and that we strangely neglected. My liege, why wuz the NIGGER not made the central figger this year, ez before? They is the capital uv the Democrisy, its refuge, its tower of strength. I spoke in Berks county myself, following one of them new-fangled Democrats, who hed set em all asleep talkin stuff to em that they didn't understand. Mountin the rostrum, I ejaculated,--

"'MEN AND BRETHREN, DO YOO WANT TO MARRY A NIGGER?'

"'No! no!' they answered, straightenin up towunst.

"'Do you want niggers for sons-in-law?'

"'No! no!'

"'Do you want laws to prevent you from marryin niggers?'

"'Yes! yes!'

"'Do you want to be marched up to the polls by those who tell you how to vote, beside a nigger?'

"'No! no!'

"'Then vote the Demekratic ticket.' And they all replied,--

"'We will! we will!' and they did. You see, your Exslency, the Demekratic mind isn't hefty enough to comprehend them fine arguments ez to constitootinality, et setry; and when a speaker deals in em, they suspect his Dimocrisy, and fight shy uv him. But nigger they kin all understand. It's soothin to the Dimekratic mind to be continyooally told that there is somebody lower down in the skale. They desire a inferior race, and therefore hev bin pullin the nigger down toward em for years. Did yoo not notis whenever we went it on the nigger we succeeded in awakenin an enthoosiasm, wich, when we neglected him, or selected other issues, we failed to get?

"It's based upon philosophical trooths. The poorer and meaner a man is, the more anxious he is to hev it understood that there's somebody still poorer and meaner than him. Hence, you notis, that them individooals who see a 5 cent peese so seldom ez to not know its nacher, and who keep the flag uv distress wavin from the seat uv their pants,--who, ef niggers wuz sellin at a cent a peese, coodent raise enough to buy the toe nail uv one,--is the most ardent friends of Slavery.

"That pitiful man wich jest left the presence wuz not to blame for the result in his Deestrick. He tried to earn his bread; but wat cood he do? The Ablishnists knowd he wuz bought with a price, and laffed at him. The Democrisy, sich ez voted, we'd hev got anyhow. Them ez didn't vote, nor do nothin, wuz the upper class, wich expected the offises themselves, and wuz disgusted accordinly.

"My liege, I hev spoke. Yoo can't do nothin with a new party; for yoo kin only git the Dimocrisy to jine it, and they won't do it onless the offises is throwd in. Yoo can't run the Dimocrisy on only one issue, and that's the nigger; for it's all they kin understand. So long ez the nigger exists, Dimocrisy endoors; when the race becomes extinct, the party dies. The two is indissolubly bound together; one wuz created for tother, and tother for one. When Noah cust Ham he laid the foundashens uv Dimocrisy. Ham wuz turned into a nigger because Noah got intoxicated. His misfortune originated with wine; and whisky, wich is the modern substitoot therefor, bein the motive power uv Dimocrisy, hez bin persekutin him ever sence. I attriboot the decline uv the Dimocrisy to the bleachin out uv the Afrikin, and that's why I oppose amalgamashen. Yoo can't hate a mulatter only half ez much ez yoo kin a full-blood; and it will be observed that the intensity uv Demokricy has decreased precisely in proportion to the scarcity uv pure blacks. Thus Demokrisy is committin suicide; it hez bin the means uv its own destruction.

"I don't know ez there's eny yoose uv talkin. The Congressmen elected this fall continyoo in offis, my liege, jist precisely ez long ez yoo do, to a day, and by that time they'll hev it all fixed. Noo York may change in our favor, but I think not. The break commenst in Maine, and it increased as it progressed. We're gone in. The Ablishnists laughs in glee, and the nigger shows all his ivories. We shel hold our places two years, and then farewell to our greatness.

"I pity yoo, my lord; but I can't help yoo. Ez for myself, I kin save enuff out uv my Post Offis to start a small grocery at the expiration uv my term, and then farewell politics. In that pleasant callin I'll flote down the stream uv Time, until Death closes the polls, and ends the struggle. I hev sed."

The Conference ended with this: for they wuz all too much affected to say anything. Seward murmered suthin about it would be all right in sixty days; that there wuz no denyin that the people wuz happy; but no one paid any attention to him. I went home, leavin em all in tears.

PETROLEUM V. NASBY, P.M. (wich is Postmaster).

XXXVIII.

"Will you have Andrew Johnson President or King?"--A Dream, in which Andrew Johnson figures as a King, surrounded by his Nobles.

CONFEDRIT × ROADS (wich is in the Stait uv Kentucky), October 24, 1866.

Dreams is only vouchsafed to persons uv a imaginative and speritooal nacher, uv whom I am which. Ther aint anything gross or sensual about me that I know uv. Troo I eat pork, but that is to offset the effex uv whisky, wich, ef twasn't counteracted, wood make me entirely too etherial for this grovelin world. I eat pork, to restrain my exuberant imaginashun, and enable me to come down to the dry detail uv offish'l life--to fit me for the proper discharge uv my dooties ez a Postmaster. Whiskey lifts me above the posishun--pork brings me back agin. It's fat and greasy, like the pay and perquisites uv the Postmaster--it comes from the most nasty, senseless, and unclean uv animals, like our commishuns--in short, I recommend all uv Johnson's Postmasters to eat pork. It's ther nateral diet.

Last nite I partook uv a pound or so too much, and ez a consekence, didn't sleep well. While I wuz eatin (moistnin my lips with Looisville conslation the while), I wuz a musin onto Seward's question, whether they wood hev Johnson President or King, and while musin I fell in2 the arms uv Morfus. My mind bust loose from the body and sored. Ez I sunk to slumber, the narrow room, wich is at wunst my offis and dormitory, widened and enlarged, the humble chairs become suddenly upholstered in gorgus style, the taller dip become multiplied into thousands uv gorgus chandileers, the portraits uv His Highness the President, and the other Democrats on the wall, became alive. I comprehended the situation to wunst. ANDROO JOHNSON had cut the Gorjan knot with someboddy's sword, and hed carried out his Policy to its nateral concloosion. He was King, and wuz reignin under the title uv ANDROO THE I., and I wuz (in my dreem uv course) in his kingly halls.

It wuz, methawt, a reception nite. His High Mightiness wuz a sittin onto a elevated throne, covered with red velvet, and studded with diamonds, and pearls, and onyxs, and other precious stones--onto his head wuz a crown, and he wuz enveloped into a robe uv black velvet, his nose and the balance uv his face gleaming out like a flash uv litenin from a thunder cloud. Lyin prostrate at the foot uv the throne, doin the offis uv a footstool, wuz Charles Sumner, wunst Senator, wich wuz typikle uv the complete triumph we hed won over our enemies; while doin other menial offices about the halls, wuz Wade, Wilson, Fessenden, Sherman, and others who hed opposed the change from a Republic to a Kingdom. They wuz clothed in a approprit costoom, knee breeches and sich, and presented a pekoolyerly imposin appearance.

Carriages containing the nobility began to arrive, and ez they entered, the Grand High Lord Chamberlin uv the Palis, the Markis von Randall, announct em. "Dook de Davis!" was ejackelatid, and Jeffson entered. "Earl von Toombs," "Sir Joseph E. Johnston," "Markis de Bouregard," "Count de Pollard," and so forth.

Noticin that the titles I hed heerd wuz mostly tacked to Southern men, I asked Giddy Welles, who wuz standin by, why it wuz thus, and he sed that Northners wuzn't reely fit for it. We wuz, he said, a low, grovlin race, and coodent adapt ourselves to the habits uv nobility. The South wuz shivelrus, and cood do it. They wuz given to tournaments and sich--they hed got accustomed to cirkus clothes, and cood wear a sword without its gettin awkwardly between the legs. Northern men, sich ez were faithful, wuz allowed to barsk in the smiles uv royalty, but it wuz in sich positions ez sooted their capacity. He, for instance, hed charge uv the royal poultry yard, a position which he bleved he filled to the entire satisfaction uv his beloved and royal master. He hed now four hens a settin, each on four eggs, and he hoped in the course uv two years, ef there wuz no adverse circumstances, to hev fresh eggs for the royal table. It wuz a position uv great responsibility, and one wich weighed upon him. Seward wuz privy counsler, Doolittle wuz steward uv the household, and Thurlow Weed wuz Keeper uv the King's revenue, and wuz a doin very well indeed.

By this time the company assembled. His Highness wuz in a merry mood, and unbendid hisself. Ther wuz a knot uv the nobility gathered in a corner, and after a earnest interview uv a minnit, Count Von Cowan advanced to the foot uv the throne, and on bendid knee demanded a boon.

"What, my faithful servitor, dost thou most desire?" sed His Highness.

"We wood, Your Majesty, hev the prisoners uv state brot into the presence, that we may make merry over 'em."

"It shel be done," sed His Majesty, and forthwith Baron von Steedman, who hed command uv the King's Household Body Guard, wuz sent for them. In a moment they wuz brot in. They wuz a mizable lookin set. Forney and Wendell Phillips wuz chained together, Fred Douglass and Anna Dickinson, Dick Yates and Gov. Morton, Ben Butler and Carl Shurz, Kelly and Covode, while Chase wuz tied to Horis Greely, onto whose back wuz a placard, inscribed, "The last uv the Tribunes;" at wich Raymond, who left the Radikels and declared for the empire at precisely the rite time, and wuz now editor of the _Court Journal_, laffed immodritly. Some one exclaimed, "Bring in Thad Stevens!" at wich His Majesty turned pale, and his knees smote together. "Don't, don't!" sez he; "he's strength enuff left to wag his tongue. Keep him away! keep him away!" and he showed ez much fear ez men do in delirum tremens when they see snakes.

Methawt I made inquiries, and found that things wuz workin satisfactory. Gen. Grant wuz in exile, and Gen. Sheridan hed bin decapitatid for refoosin to acquiesce in the new arrangement. The country hed bin divided into dookdoms and earldoms, and sich, over wich the nobility rooled with undispooted authority. The principal men uv the North hed been capcherd and subdooed, and wuz a fillin menial positions in the palaces uv the nobility. No Lord or Dook or Earl considered himself well served onless he hed a half dozen Northern Congressmen in his house, while the higher grade uv nobility wuzn't content with anythin less than Guvners. The indebtednis uv the South to the North hed bin adjustid. A decree hed bin ishood to the effect that Northern merchants who shood press a claim agin a Southerner shood be beheaded and his goods confistikated. The question uv slavery hed bin settled forever, for the Dimekratic ijee uv one class to serve and one class to be served wuz fully establisht. There wuz now three classes uv society, the hereditary nobility, the untitled officials, and the people; the latter, black and white, wuz all serfs, and all attached to the soil. Biznis wuz all done by foreigners, the policy uv the government bein to make the native born people purely agricultural peasantry. The nobility, desirin to make it easy for em, giv em one sixth uv the produx uv the soil, reservin the balance for their own uses.

My dreem didn't continyoo long enuff for me to ascertain whether I wuz a nobleman or not, but I am uv the opinion that I wuz, for a servant, handin me a pin to stick into Gen. Butler to make him roar for the amoozement of the company, addressed me ez "Yoor Grace," from wich I inferred that I wuz one uv of the Lords spiritooal. Unfortunitly at this pint I awoke, and a sad awakenin it wuz. The gorjus halls hed vanished, the chandeleers hed vanished, the robes uv stait and jewels and sich wuz gone, and I wuz in my offis, not "Yoor Grace," but merely a Postmaster in a Kentucky village! Well, that is suthin. Wat better is a nobleman? He don't work, neither do I. He drinks wine, it is troo; but I hev wat soots me better--whiskey fresh from the still. Yet my dreem may be realized, and ef it is, I will endevoor to fill the position with credit. Who knows?

PETROLEUM V. NASBY, P.M. (wich is Postmaster).

XXXIX.

A Cabinet Meeting.--Letters from Rev. Henry Ward Beecher, General Custar, Henry J. Raymond, and Hon. John Morrissey, each anxious to Preserve his Reputation.--A Sad Time at the White House.

CONFEDRIT × ROADS (wich is in the Stait uv Kentucky), November 7, 1866.

I wuz called to Washington by our patron Saint, the President, to comfort his wounded sperit. There ain't no disguisin the fact,--the sperit of Androo Johnson is wounded. He hez endoored the slings and arrers uv more outrajus fortune than any other man who hez lived sence the days uv Hamlick; more, indeed, than Hamlick endoored, twict over. Hamlick's father wuz pizoned, and his mother married agin afore her mournin clothes wuz wore out--suthin no savin, prudent woman would do; but what wuz that to wat A. JOHNSON endoors every day? Nothin.

The cabinet meetin to wich I wuz summoned wuz called for the purpose uv sheddin a tear or two over the election returns, and to consider a variety uv letters wich His Eggscellency hed receeved within a few days. I may remark that the cabinet hed a gloomy and mildewed look.

The fust wuz from Rev. Henry Ward Beecher. Mr. Beecher remarked that he had the highest possible respeck for the offis wunst held by the good Washinton, the great Adams, and the sainted Linkin. He omitted remarkin anythin about Peerce and Bookanan, out uv regard for the feelins uv the present incumbent, wich, ef he hed read History correct, wuz a ardent supporter uv the Administrashens uv both of them men, wich he considered stains upon the pages uv American history wich he cood wish mite be obliterated. But wat he desired to say wuz, that he hed a higher regard for the good opinion uv mankind in general than he hed for the good opinion uv the accidental incumbent uv any offis; and ez he hed, in a hour uv temporary mental aberrashen, wich hed happily passed, endorsed the Administrashen, wich insanity hed worked evil unto him, he rekested, ez a simple act uv justice, that the President shood cause it to be known that he (Beecher) wuz not considered by the Administrashen ez a supporter thereof.

"I do this," sed the writer, "becoz the impression that I am in the confidence uv yoor Eggslency, wich is onfortunately abroad, hez seriously DAMAGED MY REPUTASHEN.

"Trooly yoors," et settry.

The readin uv this letter wuz follered by a minit uv profound silence, wich wuz broken by the President.

"Let him pass," sed the great man who hez the despensin uv the post offisis, "let him pass. But here is another," sed he, bustin into teers; "read that."

It wuz from Gen. Custar, him uv the yaller hair, wich hed some reputashen doorin the war ez a cavalry commander. It wuz to the same effect. He hed, when he spozd that the policy uv the President, wich he esteemed ez he must any man who held the exalted position wunst okkepied by the good Washinton, the great Jefferson, and the sainted Linkin--

"The ongrateful dog doesn't respect ME!" sed Androo; "it's the offis I fill;" and he bust into a fresh flood.

--When he spozed the President's policy wuz sich ez a soljer and patriot cood endorse, he endorsed it. But he diskivered that it led him, back foremost, into company wich, doorin the late war, he hed alluz visited face foremost and on hossback; and therefore, to SAVE HIS REPUTASHUN, he must beg that the President wood give it out that he (Gen. Custar) wuz not, nor never hed bin, a supporter uv his policy, and oblige

Yoors trooly, ez before.

I wuz too hart-broken at this to make any reply, and Cowan and Doolittle wuz in the same fix. The Kernelcy wich wuz given to Custar to keep him in posishen hed bin promised to a Demokratic captin, who wuz led by a company in the first Bull Run fight, and who threw up in disgust the next day, not likin the manner in wich the war wuz bein conducted; but now the Kernelcy wuz gone, and Custar too; and wat wuz worse, there wuz no sich thing to be thot uv ez dismissin him. The entire company yoonited in minglin their teers.

The next letter wuz read by Seward, ez it wuz addressed to him. It wuz from Raymond. He opened with the remark that for the Presidential office he hed the highest respeck. Aside from the considerashen that it hed bin wunst okkepied by the good Washinton, the great Adams, and the sainted Linkin, the President mite be considered the Father of his country, hevin so large a number of helpless children to provide for; and besides, he hed a instinctive respeck for the dispenser of anything. It wuz difficult for him, bein a open and simple-minded man, not to adhere to the President; but--

"Good Heavens!" shreeked Johnson, "that little fox ain't a goin to speak uv HIS reputashen!"

"Dooty requires the reedin uv the entire dockeyment, painful to my feelins ez it may be," sed Seward. "He concloods thusly:--

"'I am forced to ask yoo, ez one enjoyin confidenshel relations with Him who occupies the Presidenshel chair, to hev it given out that I stand in opposition to him. A doo REGARD FOR MY REPUTASHEN impels me to this course. I remain

"'Yoors Trooly.'"

There wuz 2 or three more. Gen. Carey uv Ohio, requested the President to remove him from his Collectorship, ez the holdin uv it wuz INJOORIN HIS REPUTASHEN. A editor out West, who wuz sedooced into takin a Post Offis, begged to hev it taken off his hands, that he might save his circulashen before it wuz everlastinly too late. And finally we come to wun, the seal uv wich wuz a coat-uv-arms--bull dog rampant, bowie-knife couchant, supported by trottin horses, on a field uv green cloth. It wuz from Hon. John Morrisey, who hed jest ben elected to Congress in Noo York.

Mr. Morrisey remarked that, ez one uv the pillars uv the Democrasy, he felt he hed a rite to speek. He wished it to be understood that he washed his hands uv any connection with Johnson or his party. He hed seed a lite. In States where the Democrasy, uv wich he wuz a piller, hed tied themselves to Johnson, they hed gone down to a prematoor grave. Respeck for the high offis restrained him from sayin that the Democrasy coodent carry sich a cussid load; but he wood say that the result uv the election in Noo York, where they dependid solely on muscle and nigger, wich is the reel Democratic capital, and succeeded, while where the Democrasy wuz loaded down with Johnsonianism, they failed, satisfied him that the President wuz a inkubus. He sed this with all doo respeck for the offis. Mr. Morrisey further remarked that he hed also personel reasons for makin this request. He commenced in a humble position, and hed filled the public eye long enuff to satisfy his modist ambishen. He hed walloped Sullivan and Heenan; he hed owned the fastest horses, and won more money at faro than any man in Amerika. His ambishen wuz satisfied, so fur ez he wuz concerned; but he hoped to leave behind him, for his infant son (wich wuz only twelve years uv age, and wich hed a development uv intelleck and muscle remarkable for one so tender, havin already walloped every boy in the skool to wich he wuz a goin), he desired to leave that son a honorable name. It hed bin given out that he wuz a supporter uv the individooal who okkepied the Presidenshel offis, and it wuz injoorin him. He wished that stigma removed. A REGARD FOR HIS REPUTASHEN forced him to insist upon it.

And this epistle wuz dooly signed,

his JOHN × MORRISSEY, M.C. mark.

There wuz silence in the Cabinet. This last stroke intensified the gloom wich hed settled onto the Government; and ez I turned my tear-bedewed eyes, I saw the great drops coursin down the cheeks uv every one present. Mr. Seward retired without sayin anythin about ninety days, and one by one they all departed.

It wuz a solemn time. There wuz other letters yet to be read, but no one hed the heart to open em. I made a move in that direckshun, but Androo prevented me. "I'm sick," murmured he, in a husky voice, which showed that his hart wuz peerced. "Help me to bed." I saw the great man bury his intellectool head beneath the snowy kivrin uv his oneasy couch, all but the nose, which in him is the thermometer uv the sole, and which accordinly glowed, not with the yoosooal brilliant hue, but with a dull, dead, and ghastly bloo. Noticin the convulsive heavins uv the kivers, which betrayed the agitashen uv the breast beneath, I whispered in his ear, ez I handed him his nite drink uv rye whisky flavored with bourbon, that he hed one hold, ez Delaware hed sustained him. A flush uv satisfaction passed over his nose, but it subsided in an instant. "Troo," gasped he, "it's ourn now; but before the next election a couple uv them Massachoosits ablishnists will buy the cussid State, and re-people it to soot em;" and he gave a convulsive gasp, and sank into a troubled slumber.

It wuz a tetchin occasion.

PETROLEUM V. NASBY, P.M. (wich is Postmaster).

XL.

A Sermon upon the November Elections, from the Text, "No man putteth New Wine into Old Settles" with a Digression or Two.

CONFEDRIT × ROADS (wich is in the Stait uv Kentucky), November 16, 1866.