Part 3

Now that President Wilson has received Colonel Harvey and Colonel Watterson with open arms he ought to be ready to do the Abraham act with the suffragists.

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It cost $11.40 a piece to register voters in Greater New York for the spring election. Will those who are clamoring for a referendum of the suffrage question to women themselves at a special election please state who will foot the bill?

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Dr. Mary Walker is greatly disgusted with the suffragists for making so much fuss to obtain a right which is already guaranteed to them under the Constitution. If she really believes this let her try to cast a vote at the next election. There is always room in jail for one more.

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The Anti-Suffrage Association has issued “The Woman’s Creed,” which says, “I believe in making every effort to protect the good name of our American men from the attacks of the suffragists.” Bless their soft, little hearts! One would think from their literator that the suffragists hadn’t any men of their own that they would fight to the last ditch for if necessary. What the “antis” should do is to protect men from the blandishments of the suffragists after their votes.

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As man has only fourteen pockets in his clothes the tailors are now putting in another, a secret one, where he can hide his money from his wife. As it is only the size of a watch pocket she won’t grudge him the contents; besides she will know where it is located almost as soon as he does himself.

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An “inspired” article says that there are signs of a revolt among the wives in nearly all the royal families of Europe and that “it is because the ideas of Mrs. Pankhurst have permeated the circles of royalty.” If Mrs. Pankhurst had accomplished no more than this, she would deserve all the honors her followers claim for her.

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The president of a New York club said in her address to the City Federation the other day, “You neglect culture and buzz around too much; you should set aside ten minutes every day to meditate on something refining and ennobling.” Like that speech, for instance; but isn’t ten minutes a day an awful lot of time to spend on culture?

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The 140,000 members of the Woman Suffrage Party in New York City are balloting for their officers in the different districts. The Anti-Suffrage State Society announces that it is increasing at the rate of one thousand a month. This proves that in one hundred and forty months it will catch up with the city party, provided the latter doesn’t add any new members.

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The most important thing in regard to the candidacy of that woman from Kansas who is running for Congress is that it shows there is no constitutional barrier to women members of Congress. All they have to do is to get elected.

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The anti-feminists have always related with great joy that it is the female mosquito which does the biting, but scientists have now learned that the reason the male of the species refrains is because he has nothing to bite with.

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At the next registration in Montana after women were enfranchised, there was a sprinting match to see who would be enrolled first; but sad to relate it was won by the two leaders of the anti-suffrage movement.

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A fashion periodical offers a large salary to a young man who understands the entire subject of a woman’s clothes and can edit a woman’s magazine. As has been often remarked, women are invading men’s domain and crowding them out of their legitimate work!

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The first Anti-Suffrage Association in the United States or any other country was organized in Massachusetts in 1884. It has labored diligently ever since with the excellent result that both houses of the Legislature have voted by immense majorities to submit the question to the electors. If the “antis” will do their level best, it may pull through at the polls.

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Dr. Hugh Cabot, of Puritan Boston, says that “if women want men to reform, they must cease to tempt them.” Maybe so, the poor things! but how did they ever happen to be called “the stronger sex”?

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The Guidon Anti-Suffrage Club of New York is devoting itself to a study of the Bible. Nobody needs the consolations of religion quite so much just now as the anti-suffragists.

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That dull thud which was heard in the direction of Springfield, Ill., was Senator Shaw, of Decatur, being dropped from his committee chairmanships because he presented a resolution to repeal the woman suffrage law.

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The wife of Congressman Taylor, of Colorado, says the women of that State have found that it does not take as long to vote as it does to match a piece of silk. It is to be hoped not or the worst fears of the “antis” as to the neglect of the home and family would be more than realized.

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Sir Almoth Wright says that women ask for the suffrage because they “have not been taught the defects and limitations of the feminine mind.” This is not because Sir A. W. and men of his stripe haven’t wasted a good deal of more or less valuable time pointing them out; but in another chapter he says, “Failure to recognize that man is the master lies at the root of the suffrage movement,” and to this the women plead guilty when they can stop laughing.

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The French courts have decided that a married woman may spend as much on clothes as the rent of her home. If she lived in New York she could dress like the Queen of Sheba.

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The big council of the Chippewas in Wisconsin recently declared for woman suffrage. The Indians know what it is to be without a vote; they are not like the chesty white men, who never did a thing to earn one and therefore don’t want to share it.

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A New York paper said, after the recent primary elections, that “the people seemed inflexibly determined not to rule.” Before this statement is accepted give that half of the people a chance who have been trying to get it since 1848.

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Miss Ida Tarbell says, “I don’t take much interest in magazines for women only, as I am incapable of differentiating women from the human race.” It is only when it comes to having the right of individual representation that Miss Tarbell would differentiate women from the rest of the human race.

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At the anti-suffrage headquarters opened in Washington at the time of the parade they announced that during the first four days two thousand persons registered. Some of the suffrage mathematicians figured out that this would mean a registration of more than one person every minute for eight hours of every day—a manifest absurdity. It seems sometimes as if the sole object of the suffragists was to be disagreeable.

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The Sir Almoth Wright who has recently written a book on woman suffrage which can’t be mentioned in good society is the same individual who last year put forth a treatise against taking a bath; but really he should have allowed an exception after reading his book.

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The “antis” say that when legislators favor woman suffrage because they think the women will vote for them, they forget the women who don’t want it and will vote against them to get even. True, and they don’t take into account what a tremendous power these women are already with their “indirect influence.”

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The egg crop is said to be worth as much to the country financially as the cotton crop and far more than the wheat crop, and women to be responsible for nine-tenths of the poultry crop. It might also be said that the hens are responsible for all of it but they don’t belong to the sex that does the crowing.

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What are the women coming to? A man jumps up in the midst of an eloquent speech by the president of the National Suffrage Association and asks her to marry him, and she answers that she would rather have a vote than a husband! The time was when a woman would rather have a husband; but then she never had had a chance to know the value of a vote.

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According to the society notes our women will now have to wear gowns made by American dressmakers: All right; it doesn’t matter who makes a woman’s dress if only they will make enough of it.

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Sensible women are terribly mortified sometimes as they look at the fashion illustrations in the Sunday papers, but when they turn to the next page and see the baseball pictures they feel that in the ridiculous women have been outclassed.

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Mrs. Havelock Ellis, an English woman lecturing in this country, advises all women to refuse to kiss their husbands until they get the suffrage. This would be somewhat risky, as getting the suffrage is a slow process and meanwhile the husbands might go elsewhere for their kisses.

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“Let us, oh, let us hold fast to monogamy!” wail the “antis.” “Scientists believe it is the normal and natural relationship of humans.” Then don’t be alarmed, for even woman suffrage cannot entirely destroy what is natural and normal. One husband, one wife. All right. Now let every “anti” catch a husband—if she can.

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The leader of the suffrage forces in Chicago says that “to appeal to American men’s sense of justice is all women have to do in order to obtain fair dealing,” and the Indianapolis _News_ comments: “That’s the way to get results—flatter the brutes!” Yes, the Michigan women recently tried it and they got results all right.

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No, the public has been too thoroughly hardened by the present styles in women’s dress to be frightened at anything that may happen if hoop skirts come in again.

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Boston’s new mayor has dismissed all the women employes from the office, on the ground that “it is not a fit place for women.” Probably he knows what kind of a place it is going to be from now on.

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In a temperance play running in New York the husband asks, “Where is my wandering wife tonight?” The answer of course should be, “At a suffrage meeting,” for women never neglect their homes for any other purpose.

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A good many people always seem to be in doubt, along at inauguration time, as to how the great Jefferson got up to the Capitol. It is to be hoped the gentleman himself knew whether he was afoot or on horseback on that auspicious occasion.

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The anti-suffragists have issued a ton or so of literature to show that the constitution of women can never endure the nervous strain of voting. Now the presidents of the State medical associations in all the States where women have been voting from two to forty-five years have signed a statement that if anything has happened to their constitutions their family physicians haven’t discovered it. The “antis” are playing in hard luck—every time they start out a nice little theory it runs up against a fact and is smashed to splinters.

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Some time ago the women of Larned, Kan., met and resolved to use horsewhips on the professional gamblers if they did not leave the town. Now they have not exactly turned their spears into pruning hooks, but they have exchanged their horsewhips for ballots, and when they tell the gamblers to leave town they will gather up their outfit and go.

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Some men are making an effort nowadays to scare women out of their independence by letting them stand in the street cars; but the women answer that they are better able to stand than many of the men they see sitting down, and that, according to statistics, a woman has a good many more years to ride on street cars than men have.

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“We stand for an economic system which will enable every man to support a family so that women need not go outside the home to work,” say the Socialists. A good idea; but suppose some men wouldn’t use their earnings that way, and some women would rather work outside and support themselves than to do the same amount of work inside and have to be supported?

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“The action of the Federation of Clubs at their biennial, indorsing woman suffrage,” says Mrs. Dodge, national president of the “antis,” “was a clear case of gag rule in a packed convention.” Well, if the suffragists could “pack” a convention to the extent of ninety-eight per cent. and “gag” two thousand delegates they are certainly almost clever enough to vote.

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The woman who recently climbed to the top of Harvard Glacier in Alaska is a strong suffragist. Seems as if it would have to be a cold day when she was not able to go to the polls.

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New York’s Alderman Quinn objects to woman suffrage because it would make monkeys of the men. Don’t worry—a lot of them haven’t waited for woman suffrage.

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A young “efficiency expert” in Chicago tells his audiences that because a woman’s heart is in matrimony she is and always will be a failure in business. Give her a chance, son! Business is a matter of the head.

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Under the English poor law medicine cannot be supplied to a sick wife unless her husband makes application for it, and if he can’t or won’t support her the almshouse will not receive her unless he will come along. To understand the reason for the suffragette movement over there, read the laws.

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Those clever antis! What wonderful research work they are doing! Having discovered that woman suffrage has led to polygamy in Wyoming, Colorado, Idaho, Washington, Oregon, California, Arizona, Kansas, Nevada, Montana and Illinois, they have now found, according to their official statement, that it means “the deliberate return to savagery.” Alas, yes! one can hear the war whoops even now—they sound like the suffragists celebrating a victory!

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Frenchmen often express great sympathy for the wife-ruled American husband, but they can’t point to a case over here where wives have a quarrel and then stand their husbands up to fight a duel in order to settle it.

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Congress treats women better than their forefathers did, for rather than pay taxes they destroyed the women’s favorite beverage—tea—and held onto rum; but Congress has taxed beer and whiskey to the limit and left the women their soft drinks.

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The New York _Tribune_ congratulates the country that the American woman is not trying to be a man. The very idea! As if women, having almost reached the top step, would deliberately turn around and tumble to the bottom!

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The-anti-suffragists have declared officially that they “recognize man as the head of the nation’s household.” All right, he is welcome to sit at the head of the table; but that doesn’t mean that the rest of the family must not have anything to eat.

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The Chicago _American_ allows the women to get out a “suffrage” edition and they clean up a neat little profit of $15,000 for the “cause.” The New York Hippodrome gives the suffragists a benefit performance and their treasury can’t hold the profits. Seems as if we never hear of any anti-suffrage special editions or theater benefits. Wouldn’t anybody buy or go?

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All the pilots and captains on the Panama Canal are now required to be teetotalers. Pretty soon they will be forbidden to swear, and then Colonel Goethals will have to get women to run his boats.

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President John Adams is said to have declared that “politics are the devil’s own,” but that was when “they” belonged entirely to the masculine half of the population.

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A London physical-culture professor has announced that it is possible for every woman to have as perfect a figure as the Venus de Milo. If it is to be so common as that, the most of them would prefer to look like somebody else.

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They do say that out in those Western States husband and wife frequently vote the same ticket to avoid discord in the family, but it is not always the ticket which the husband thought he was going to vote when they began discussing the matter.

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A number of States have enacted a law that men who are physically unable to get to the polls may send their ballots by mail. This should dispose of the objection that the franchise must not be given to women because so much of the time they would not be well enough to go to the polling place. Incidentally, if men are not able to get to the polls, they are not able to fight, and therefore, if women must not be allowed to vote because they cannot fight, then these incapacitated men should be disfranchised.

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The National Women’s Anti-Suffrage Association announces that it spent less than $10,000 in the seven campaign States last fall. Why should it waste even that much good money when the other branches of the opposition were amply able to furnish hundreds of thousands and did so?

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“Oh, suffragists, do you know that if you succeed the future men will be one-sided mongrels in nature and education, having had two fathers and no mother?” (Anti-suffrage document.) Good gracious! Just to think they’ve got ‘em like that in those Western States, and the rest of the country doesn’t even know it!

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When the women of a certain church in Brooklyn ask for a voice in its affairs they are told that St. Paul commanded women to keep silent in the churches; but when they take up the calendar Sunday morning they find a request from the deacons to take off their hats. They are now insisting that Paul and the deacons come to an understanding.

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Leaders of the anti-suffragists insist that women shall not be enfranchised against their protest, but when all the big organizations of women in the country are asking for it, who is making the protest? What is the matter with that ninety per cent. the antis claim to represent that they can’t speak up? Ninety per cent. can make a great deal more noise than ten.

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President Wilson said the last session of Congress accomplished so much simply by “sawing wood.” He was careful not to add, “and saying nothing.”

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John Redmond and his followers want home rule for Ireland but they don’t intend that those who rule the home shall have any part in it.

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The entire State of Kansas is quarantined because of the foot-and-mouth disease. This is the strongest argument against woman suffrage that the “antis” have been able to find for a long time.

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“Persons who try to stop the woman suffrage movement,” said a Chicago elections commissioner, “are in the position of a man throwing himself in front of a locomotive.” Well, they always expect that the bosses who run the political machines will apply the brake.

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The latest government report from New Zealand, where women have voted twenty-one years, shows that, while the population has doubled in thirty years, the number of men in prison has increased only from 631 to 853, and the number of women prisoners has decreased from 94 to 64. It seems from these figures that woman suffrage in New Zealand did not double the criminal vote and did not produce a reign of anarchy and crime. Perhaps it is only in the United States and in those of the States where it has never been tried that it will have this effect. Still the “antis” should bolster up their charge with a statistic or two.

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The Keith and Proctor circuits forbid any burlesquing of the suffragists. That’s right, and the anti-suffragists give their own continuous vaudeville performances.

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One little woman in the big Woolworth Building in New York manages the electrical apparatus for running twenty-eight elevators—and yet some people think a woman hasn’t nerve enough to drop a ballot in a box.

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Gertrude Atherton says, “Women politicians will be just like men politicians—no better, no worse.” We knew, of course, that they couldn’t be any—well, we had hoped they might prove to be a little better.

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“Young women,” said Representative Bowdle, of Cincinnati, in the suffrage debate, “will beware of this movement, which positively destroys all feminine charm and deters young men from marriage.” (Loud applause by the sixty-seven married members from the twelve States where women vote.)

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Before and after taking was strikingly illustrated by the Missouri Legislature in its action on the woman-suffrage amendment. The senate adjourned to the assembly chamber to hear the women present their case. The committee reported unanimously in favor. Both houses adopted the report by large majorities. Then St. Louis suddenly got busy and the Legislature rescinded its action! It heard its master’s voice!

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By a new law voters in Nebraska can send their ballots through the mail when necessary. This answers the question, Who will care for the baby when mother votes? Mother will and Uncle Sam will deposit her ballot. Anti-suffs knocked out again!

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The doctors are now admonishing the women that if they keep on with the present style of tight-fitting hats and headbands nothing can save them from baldness. Women have been listening to this kind of prophecy for several generations and yet have kept their hair on; but when they look about they observe that nearly all the men are baldheaded.

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Representatives of nearly all the organizations of women in Chicago are demanding that places shall be given to women on the boards of education, of parks and of libraries. How can they do it when they see how splendidly all matters connected with the municipality are managed by men? Women don’t seem to be showing that old-time admiration and trust which used to be their greatest charm.

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The Simple Life and Open Air Exposition in London is exhibiting the Fully Furnished Man, who carries on his person all the necessities of life except food. That is nothing to be proud of. All the other animals have done this ever since they ceased to belong to the vegetable kingdom. The only difficulty will be to keep this new kind of man out of civilized society.

* * * * *

Why try to get acquainted with the people on Mars, when we have so little time to give to those we know on earth?

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