SCENE I. _An Apartment at Sir_ Luke Tremor'_s_.

_Enter Sir_ Luke _and_ Aurelia.

_Sir Luke._ Why, then Aurelia, (though I never mention'd it to my Lady Tremor) my friend wrote me word, he had reason to suppose your affections were improperly fixed upon a young gentleman in that neighbourhood; and this was his reason for wishing you to leave that place to come hither--and this continual dejection convinces me my friend was not mistaken--answer me--can you say he was?

_Aur._ Why, then, Sir Luke, candidly to confess--

_Sir Luke._ Nay, no tears--why in tears? for a husband? be comforted --we'll get you one ere long, I warrant.

_Aur._ Dear, Sir Luke, how can you imagine I am in tears because I have not a husband, while you see Lady Tremor every day in tears for the very opposite cause?

_Sir Luke._ No matter--women like a husband through pride--and I have known a woman marry from that very motive, even a man she has been ashamed of.

_Aur._ Why, then I dare say, poor Lady Tremor married from pride.

_Sir Luke._ Yes;--and I'll let her know pride is painful.

_Aur._ But, Sir, her Ladyship's philosophy--

_Sir Luke._ She has no philosophy.

_Enter Lady_ Tremor _and_ Twineall.

_Sir Luke._ Where is his Lordship? What have you done with him?

_Lady._ He's speaking a word to Mr. Meanright about his passport to England.--Did you mean me, Sir Luke, that had no philosophy? I protest, I have a great deal.

_Sir Luke._ When? where did you shew it?

_Lady._ Why, when the servant at my Lady Grissel's threw a whole urn of boiling water upon your legs, did I give any proofs of female weakness? did I faint, scream, or even shed a tear?

_Sir Luke._ No--no--very true--and while I lay sprawling on the carpet, I could see you fanning and holding the smelling bottle to the Lady of the house, begging her not to make herself uneasy, "for that the accident was of no manner of consequence."

_Aur._ Dear Sir, don't be angry;--I am sure her Ladyship spoke as she thought.

_Sir Luke._ I suppose she did, Miss.

_Aur._ I mean--she thought the accident might be easily got the better of--She thought you might be easily recovered.

_Lady._ No, indeed, I did not--but I thought Sir Luke had frequently charged me with the want of patience; and that moment, the very thing in the world I cou'd have wished, happened--on purpose to give me an opportunity to prove his accusation false.

_Sir Luke._ Very well, Madam--but did not the whole company cry shame on your behaviour? did not they say, it was not the conduct of a wife?

_Lady._ Only our particular acquaintance cou'd say so--for the rest of the company, I am sure, did not take me to be your wife--thank Heaven, our appearances never betray that secret--do you think we look like the same flesh and blood?

_Sir Luke._ That day, in particular, we did not--for I remember you had been no less than three hours at your toilet.

_Aur._ And, indeed, Sir Luke, if you were to use milk of roses, and several other little things of that kind, you can't think how much more like a fine gentleman you wou'd look.--Such things as those make, almost, all the difference there is between you and such a gentleman as Mr. Twineall.

_Twi._ No, pardon me, Madam--a face like _mine_ may use those things--but in Sir Luke's, they wou'd entirely destroy that fine martial appearance--[_Sir_ Luke _looks confounded_.] which women as well as men admire--for, as valour is the first ornament of _our_ sex----

_Lady._ What are you saying, Mr. Twineall? [_Aside._] I'll keep him on this subject if I can.

_Twi._ I was going to observe, Madam--that the reputation of a General--which puts me in mind, Sir Luke, of an account I read of a battle--[_He crosses over to Sir_ Luke, _who turns up the Stage in the utmost confusion, and steals out of the room_.]

_Lady._ Well, Sir--go on--go on--you were going to introduce--

_Twi._ A battle, Madam--but, Sir Luke is gone!

_Lady._ Never mind that, Sir--he generally runs away on these occasions.

_Sir Luke._ [_Coming back._] What were you saying, Aurelia, about a husband?

_Lady._ She did not speak.

_Sir Luke._ To be sure, Ladies in India do get husbands very quick.

_Twi._ Not always--I am told, Sir Luke----Women of family, [_fixing his eyes stedfastly on Lady_ Tremor.] indeed, may soon enter into the matrimonial state--but the rich men in India, we are told in England, are grown lately very particular with whom they marry, and there is not a man of any repute that will now look upon a woman as a wife, unless she is descended from a good family. [_Looking at Lady_ Tremor, _who walks up the Stage and steals off, just as Sir_ Luke _had done before_.

_Sir Luke._ I am very sorry--very sorry to say, Mr. Twineall, that has not been always the case.

_Twi._ Then I am very sorry too, Sir Luke; for it is as much impossible that a woman, who is not born of a good family, can be-- [_Lady_ Tremor _returns_.

_Sir Luke._ That is just what I say--they _cannot_ be--

_Lady._ Sir Luke, let me tell you--

_Sir Luke._ It does not signify _telling_, my dear,--you have _proved_ it.

_Lady._ [_To_ Twineall.] Sir, let me tell _you_--

_Twi._ O! O! my dear Madam, 'tis all in vain--there is no such thing--it can't be--there is no pleading against conviction--a person of low birth must, in every particular, be a terrible creature.

_Sir Luke._ [_Going to her._] A terrible creature! a terrible creature!

_Lady._ Here comes my Lord Flint--I'll appeal to him.

_Enter Lord_ Flint.

_Sir Luke._ [_Going to him._] My Lord, I was saying, as proof that our great Sultan, who now fills this throne, is no impostor, (as the rebel party wou'd insinuate) no low-born man, but of the Royal Stock; his conduct palpably evinces--for, had he not been nobly born, we shou'd have beheld the Plebeian bursting forth upon all occasions [_Looking at Lady_ Tremor] and then, Heaven help all those who had had any dealings with him!

_Lady._ Provoking! [_Goes up the stage._

_Lord._ Sir Luke, is there a doubt of the Emperor's birth and title? he is the real Sultan, depend upon it--it surprises me to hear you talk with the smallest uncertainty.

_Twi._ O, Sir Luke, I wonder at it too, [_Aside to Lord_ Flint.] and yet, damn me, my Lord, if I have not my doubts. [_Lord_ Flint _starts_.

_Sir Luke. I_, my Lord? far be it from me! I was only saying what other people said; for my part _I_ never harboured a doubt of the kind.--[_Aside._] My head begins to nod, only for that word--pray Heaven, I may die with it on!--I shou'd not like to lose my head--nor shou'd I like to die by a bullet--nor by a small sword--and a cannon ball wou'd be as disagreeable, as any thing, I know--it is very odd--but I never yet could make up my mind, in what manner I shou'd like to go out of the world. [_During this speech._ Twineall _is paying court to Lord_ Flint; _they come forward and Sir_ Luke _retires_.

_Lord._ Your temerity astonishes me!

_Twi._ I must own, my Lord, I feel somewhat aukward in saying it to your Lordship--but my own heart--my own conscience--my own sentiments--they _are_ my own--and they are dear to me.--And so it is--the Sultan does not appear to be [_With significance._] that great man some people think him.

_Lord._ Sir, you astonish me--pray what is your name? I have forgotten it.

_Twi._ Twineall, my Lord--the honourable Henry Twineall--your Lordship does me great honour to ask--arrived this morning from England, as your Lordship may remember--in the ship Mercury, my Lord--and all the officers on board speaking with the highest admiration and warmest terms of your Lordship's official character.

_Lord._ Why, then, Mr. Twineall, I am very sorry--

_Twi._ And so am I, my Lord, that your sentiments and mine shou'd so far disagree, as I _know_ they do.--I am not unacquainted with your firm adherence to the Emperor--but I am unused to disguise my thoughts--I cou'd not, if I wou'd--I have no little views--no sinister motives--no plots--no intrigues--no schemes of preferment,--and I verily believe that if a large scymitar was now directed at my head--or a large pension directed to my pocket--(in the first case at least) I shou'd speak my mind.

_Lord._ [_Aside._] A dangerous young man this! and I may make something of the discovery.

_Twi._ [_Aside._] It tickles him to the soul, I find.--My Lord, now I begin to be warm on the subject, I feel myself quite agitated--and, from the intelligence which I have heard, even when I was in England,--there is every reason to suppose----exm--exm--exm-- [_Mutters._]

_Lord._ What, Sir? what?

_Twi._ You understand me.

_Lord._ No, Sir--explain.

_Twi._ Why, then, there is every reason to suppose--some people are not what they shou'd be--pardon my thoughts, if they are wrong.

_Lord._ I _do_ pardon your thoughts, with all my heart--but your words, young man, must be answer'd for [_Aside._] Lady Tremor, good morning.

_Twi._ [_Aside._] He is going to ruminate on my sentiments, I dare say.

_Lady._ Shall we have your Lordship's company towards the evening? Mr. Haswell will be here; if your Lordship has no objection?

_Sir Luke._ How do you know Mr. Haswell will be here?

_Lady._ Because he has just called, in his way to the Palace, and said so--and he has been telling us some very interesting stories too.

_Sir Luke._ Of his morning visits, I suppose--I heard Meanright say he saw him very busy.

_Lady._ Sir Luke and I dine out, my Lord; but we shall return early in the evening.

_Lord._ I will be here, without fail.--Sir Luke, a word with you if you please--[_They come forward._] Mr. Twineall has taken some very improper liberties with the Sultan's name, and I must insist on making him answer for it.

_Sir Luke._ My Lord, you are extremely welcome [_Trembling._] to do whatever your Lordship pleases with any one belonging to me, or to my house--but I hope your Lordship will pay some regard to the master of it.

_Lord._ O! great regard to the master--and to the mistress also.--But for that gentleman----

_Sir Luke._ Do _what_ your Lordship pleases.

_Lord._ I will--and I will make him--

_Sir Luke._ If your Lordship does not forget it.

_Lord._ I shan't forget it, Sir Luke--I have a very good memory, when I please.

_Sir Luke._ I don't, in the least, doubt it, my Lord--I never did doubt it.

_Lord._ And I can be very severe too, Sir Luke, when I please.

_Sir Luke._ I don't, in the least, doubt it, my Lord--I never did doubt it.

_Lord._ You may depend upon seeing me here in the evening--and then you shall find I have not threatened more than I mean to perform--good morning!

_Sir Luke._ Good morning, my Lord--I don't in the least doubt it. [_Exit Lord_ Flint.

_Lady._ [_Coming forward with_ Twineall.] For Heaven's sake, Mr. Twineall, what has birth to do with--

_Twi._ It has to do with _every thing_, Madam--even with beauty--and I wish I may suffer death, if a woman, with all the mental and personal accomplishments of the finest creature in Europe, wou'd to me be of that value, [_Snapping his fingers._] if lowly born.

_Sir Luke._ And I sincerely wish every man who visits me was of the same opinion.

_Aur._ For shame, Mr. Twineall! persons of mean birth ought not to be despised for what it was not in their power to prevent--and if it is a misfortune, you shou'd consider them only as objects of pity.

_Twi._ And so I do pity them--and so I do--most sincerely--poor creatures! [_Looking on Lady_ Tremor.

_Sir Luke._ Aye, now he has mended it finely.

_Lady._ Mr. Twineall, let me tell you--

_Sir Luke._ My dear--Lady Tremor--[_Taking her aside._] let him alone--let him go on--there is something preparing for him he little expects--so let the poor man say and do what he pleases, for the present--it won't last long--for he has offended my Lord Flint, and, I dare say his Lordship will be able, upon some account or another, to get him imprisoned for life.

_Lady._ Imprisoned! Why not take off his head at once?

_Sir Luke._ Well, my dear--I am sure I have no objection--and I dare say my Lord will have it done, to oblige you.--Egad, I must make friends with her to keep mine safe. [_Aside._

_Lady._ Do you mean to take him out to dinner with us?

_Sir Luke._ Yes, my dear, if you approve of it--not else.

_Lady._ You are grown extremely polite.

_Sir Luke._ Yes, my dear, his Lordship has taught me how to be polite.--Mr. Twineall, Lady Tremor and I are going to prepare for our visit, and I will send a servant to shew you to your apartment, in order to dress, for you will favour us with your company, I hope?

_Twi._ Certainly, Sir Luke, I shall do myself the honour.

_Lady._ Come this way, Aurelia, I can't bear to look at him. [_Exit with_ Aurelia.

_Sir Luke._ Nor I to _think_ of him. [_Exit._

_Twi._ If I have not settled my business in this family, I am mistaken--they seem to have but one mind about me.--Devilish clever fellow, egad!--I am the man to send into the world--such a volatile, good-looking scoundrel too! No one suspects me----to be sure I am under some few obligations to my friend for letting me into the different characters of the family--and yet I don't know whether I am obliged to him or not--for if he had not made me acquainted with them--I shou'd soon have had the skill to find them out myself.--No; I will not think myself under any obligation to him--it is devilish inconvenient for a gentleman to be under an obligation. [_Exit._