SCENE I. _An Apartment at Sir_ Luke Tremor'_s_.

_Enter_ Twineall _and_ Meanright.

_Twi._ My dear friend, after so long a separation, how glad I am to meet you!--but how devilish unlucky that you shou'd, on the very day of my arrival, be going to set sail for another part of the world! yet before you go, I must beg a favour of you--you know Sir Luke and his family perfectly well, I dare say?

_Mean._ I think so--I have been in his house near six years.

_Twi._ The very person on earth I wanted!--Sir Luke has power here, I suppose?--a word from him might do a man some service perhaps? [_significantly._

_Mean._ Why, yes; I don't know a man that has more influence at a certain place.

_Twin._ And her Ladyship seems a very clever gentlewoman?

_Mean._ Very.

_Twi._ And I have a notion they think _me_ very clever.

_Mean._ I dare say they do.

_Twi._ Yes--but I mean _very_ clever.

_Mean._ No doubt!

_Twi._ But, my dear friend, you must help me to make them think better of me still--and when _my_ fortune is made, I'll make _yours_--for when I once become acquainted with people's dispositions, their little weaknesses, foibles and faults, I can wind, twist, twine, and get into the corner of every one's heart, and lie so snug, they can't know I'm there, till they want to pull me out, and find 'tis impossible.

_Mean._ Excellent talent!

_Twi._ Is not it? and now, my dear friend, do you inform me of the secret dispositions, and propensities of every one in this family, and of all their connections.--What Lady values herself upon one qualification, and what Lady upon another?--What Gentleman will like to be told of his accomplishments? or what man would rather hear of his wife's, or his daughter's?--or of his horses? or of his dogs?--now, my dear Ned, acquaint me with all this--and within a fortnight I will become the most necessary rascal----not a creature shall know how to exist without me.

_Mean._ Why such a man as you ought to have made your fortune in England.

_Twi._ No--my father, and my three uncles monopolized all the great men themselves; and wou'd never introduce me where I was likely to become their rival--This--this is the very spot for me to display my genius--But then I must penetrate the people first--and you will kindly save me that trouble.--Come, give me all their characters--all their little propensities--all their whims--in short, all I am to praise--and all I am to avoid praising,--in order to endear myself to them. [_Takes out tablets._] Come--begin with Sir Luke.

_Mean._ Sir Luke--values himself more upon personal bravery, than upon any thing else.

_Twi._ Thank you, my dear friend--thank you. [_Writes._] Was he ever in the army?

_Mean._ Oh yes--besieged a capital fortress, a few years ago--and now, the very name of a battle or a great general tickles his vanity, and he takes all the praises you can lavish upon the subject as compliments to himself.

_Twi._ Thank you--thank you a thousand times--[_Writes._] I'll mention a battle very soon.

_Mean._ Not directly.

_Twi._ O, no--let me alone for time and place--go on, my friend--go on--her Ladyship--

_Mean._ Descended from the ancient kings of Scotland.

_Twi._ You don't say so!

_Mean._ And though she is so nicely scrupulous as never to mention the word genealogy, yet I have seen her agitation so great, when the advantages of high birth have been extoll'd, she could scarcely withhold her sentiments of triumph; which in order to disguise, she has assumed a disdain for all "vain titles--empty sounds--and idle pomp."

_Twi._ Thank you--thank you--this is a most excellent _trait_ of the Lady's--[_Writes._] "Pedigree of the kings of Scotland?" O, I have her at once.

_Mean._ Yet do it nicely--oblique touches, rather than open explanations.

_Twi._ Let me alone for that.

_Mean._ She has, I know, in her possession--but I dare say she wou'd not show it you, nay, on the contrary, would even _affect_ to be highly offended, if you were to mention it--and yet it certainly would flatter her, to know you were acquainted with her having it.

_Twi._ What--what--what is it?

_Mean._ A large old-fashioned wig--which Malcolm the third or fourth, her great ancestor, wore when he was crowned at Scone, in the year----

_Twi._ I'll mention it.

_Mean._ Take care.

_Twi._ O, let me alone for the _manner_.

_Mean._ She'll pretend to be angry.

_Twi._ That I am prepared for.--Pray who is my Lord Flint?

_Mean._ A deep man--and a great favourite at court.

_Twi._ Indeed!--how am I to please him?

_Mean._ By insinuations against the _present_ Sultan.

_Twi._ How!

_Mean._ With all his pretended attachment, his heart----

_Twi._ Are you _sure_ of it?

_Mean._ Sure:--he blinds Sir Luke, (who by the bye is no great politician) but I know his Lordship--and if he thought he was sure of his ground--(and he thinks he _shall_ be sure of it soon)--then--

_Twi._ I'll insinuate myself and join his party--but, in the mean time, preserve good terms with Sir Luke, in case any thing shou'd fall in my way there.--Who is Mr. Haswell?

_Mean._ He pretends to be a man of principle and sentiment--flatter him on that.

_Twi._ The easiest thing in the world--no people like flattery better than such as he.--They will bear even to hear their _vices_ praised.--I will myself undertake to praise the vices of a man of sentiment till he shall think them so many virtues.--You have mentioned no Ladies, but the Lady of the house yet.

_Mean._ There is no other Lady, except a pretty girl who came over from England, about two years ago, for a husband, and not succeeding in another part of the country, is now recommended to this house--and has been here three or four months.

_Twi._ Let me alone, to please her.

_Mean._ Yes--I believe you are skilled.

_Twi._ For the art of flattery, no one more.

_Mean._ But damn it--it is not a liberal art.

_Twi._ It is a great science, notwithstanding--and studied, at present, by all the connoisseurs.--Zounds! I have staid a long time--I can't attend to any more characters at present--Sir Luke and his Lady will think me inattentive, if I don't join them--Shall I see you again?--if not--I wish you a pleasant voyage--I'll make the most of what you have told me--you'll hear I'm a great man--God bless you!--good bye!--you'll hear I'm a great man. [_Exit._

_Mean._ And, if I am not mistaken, I shall hear you are turned out of the house before to-morrow morning. O, Twineall! exactly the _reverse_ of every character have you now before you--the greatest misfortune in the life of Sir Luke has been, flying from his army in the midst of an engagement, and a most humiliating degradation in consequence, which makes him so feelingly alive on the subject of a battle, that nothing but his want of courage can secure my friend Twineall's life for venturing to name the subject--then Lord Flint, firmly _attached_ to the _interest_ of the Sultan, will be all on fire, when he hears of open disaffection--but most of all her Ladyship! whose father was a grocer, and uncle, a noted advertising "Periwig-maker on a new construction." She will run mad to hear of births, titles, and long pedigrees.--Poor Twineall! little dost thou think what is prepared for thee.--There is Mr. Haswell too--but to him have I sent you to be reclaimed--to him,--who, free from faults, or even foibles, of his own, has yet more potently the blessing given, of tenderness for ours. [_Exit._