SCENE I. _A Parlour at Sir_ Luke Tremor'_s_.

_Enter Sir_ Luke, _followed by Lady_ Tremor.

_Sir Luke._ I tell you, Madam, you are two and thirty.

_Lady Tremor._ I tell you, Sir, you are mistaken.

_Sir Luke._ Why, did not you come over from England exactly sixteen years ago?

_Lady._ Not so long.

_Sir Luke._ Have not we been married the tenth of next April sixteen years?

_Lady._ Not so long.--

_Sir Luke._ Did you not come over the year of the great Eclipse? answer me that.

_Lady._ I don't remember it.

_Sir Luke._ But I do--and shall remember it as long as I live--the first time I saw you, was in the garden of the Dutch Envoy; you were looking through a glass at the sun--I immediately began to make love to you, and the whole affair was settled while the eclipse lasted--just one hour, eleven minutes, and three seconds.

_Lady._ But what is all this to my age?

_Sir Luke._ Because I know you were at that time near seventeen--and without one qualification except your youth--and not being a Mullatto.

_Lady._ Sir Luke, Sir Luke, this is not to be borne--

_Sir Luke._ Oh! yes--I forgot--you had two letters of recommendation, from two great families in England.

_Lady._ Letters of recommendation!

_Sir Luke._ Yes; your character----that, you know, is all the fortune we poor Englishmen, situated in India, expect with a wife who crosses the sea at the hazard of her life, to make us happy.

_Lady._ And what but our characters would you have us bring? Do you suppose any lady ever came to India, who brought along with her, friends, or fortune?

_Sir Luke._ No, my dear--and what is worse--she seldom leaves them behind, either.

_Lady._ No matter, Sir Luke--but if I delivered to you a good character----

_Sir Luke._ Yes, my dear you did--and if you were to ask me for it again, I can't say I could give it you.

_Lady._ How uncivil! how unlike are your manners to the manners of my Lord Flint.

_Sir Luke._ Ay--you are never so happy as when you have an opportunity of expressing your admiration of him--a disagreeable, nay, a very dangerous man--one is never sure of one's self in his presence--he carries every thing he hears to the ministers of our suspicious Sultan--and I feel my head shake whenever I am in his company.

_Lady._ How different does his Lordship appear to me--to me he is all _politesse_.

_Sir Luke._ _Politesse!_ how shou'd you understand what is real _politesse_? You know your education was very much confined.--

_Lady._ And if it _was_ confined----I beg, Sir Luke, you will one time or other cease these reflections--you know they are what I can't bear! [_walks about in a passion._] pray, does not his Lordship continually assure me, I might be taken for a Countess, were it not for a certain little groveling toss I have caught with my head--and a certain little confined hitch in my walk? both which I learnt of _you_--learnt by looking so much at _you_.--

_Sir Luke._ And now if you don't take care, by looking so much at his Lordship, you may catch some of his defects.

_Lady._ I know of very few he has.

_Sir Luke._ I know of many--besides those he assumes.--

_Lady._ Assumes!!----

_Sir Luke._ Yes; do you suppose he is as forgetful as he pretends to be? no, no--but because he is a favourite with the Sultan, and all our great men at court, he thinks it genteel or convenient to have no memory--and yet I'll answer for it, he has one of the best in the universe.

_Lady._ I don't believe your charge.

_Sir Luke._ Why, though he forgets his appointments with his tradesmen, did you ever hear of his forgetting to go to court when a place was to be disposed of? Did he ever make a blunder, and send a bribe to a man out of power? Did he ever forget to kneel before the Prince of this Island--or to look in his highness's presence like the statue of Patient-resignation in humble expectation?--

_Lady._ Dear, Sir Luke----

_Sir Luke._ Sent from his own country in his very infancy, and brought up in the different courts of petty, arbitrary Princes here in Asia; he is the slave of every great man, and the tyrant of every poor one.----

_Lady._ "Petty Princes!"--'tis well his highness our Sultan does not hear you.

_Sir Luke._ 'Tis well he does not--don't you repeat what I say--but you know how all this fine country is harrassed and laid waste by a set of Princes, Sultans, as they style themselves, and I know not what--who are for ever calling out to each other "that's mine," and "that's mine;"--and "you have no business here"--and "you have no business there"--and "I have business every where;" [_Strutting_] then "give _me_ this,"--and "give _me_ that;" and "take this, and take that." [_makes signs of fighting._]

_Lady._ A very elegant description truly.

_Sir Luke._ Why, you know 'tis all matter of fact--and Lord Flint, brought up from his youth amongst these people, has not one _trait_ of an Englishman about him--he has imbibed all this country's cruelty, and I dare say wou'd mind no more seeing me hung up by my thumbs--or made to dance upon a red-hot gridiron----

_Lady._ That is one of the tortures I never heard of!--O! I shou'd like to see that of all things!

_Sir Luke._ Yes--by keeping this man's company, you'll soon be as cruel as he is--he will teach you every vice--a consequential--grave --dull--and yet with that degree of levity, that dares to pay his addresses to a woman, even before her husband's face.

_Lady._ Did not you say, this minute, his Lordship had not a _trait_ of his own country about him?--

_Sir Luke._ Well, well--as you say, that last _is_ a _trait_ of his own country.

_Enter_ Servant _and_ Lord Flint.

_Serv._ Lord Flint.--[_Exit_ Servant.

_Lady._ My Lord, I am extremely glad to see you--we were just mentioning your name.--

_Lord._ Were you, indeed, Madam? You do me great honour.

_Sir Luke._ No, my Lord--no great honour.

_Lord._ Pardon me, Sir Luke.

_Sir Luke._ But, I assure you, my Lord, what I said, did _myself_ a great deal of honour.

_Lady._ Yes, my Lord, and I'll acquaint your Lordship what it was. [_going up to him._

_Sir Luke._ [_Pulling her aside_] Why, you wou'd not inform against me sure! Do you know what would be the consequence? My head must answer it. [_frightened._]

_Lord._ Nay, Sir Luke, I insist upon knowing.

_Sir Luke._ [_To her_] Hush--hush----no, my Lord, pray excuse me--your Lordship perhaps may think what I said did not come from my heart; and I assure you, upon my honour, it did.

_Lady._ O, yes--that I am sure it did.

_Lord._ I am extremely obliged to you. [_bowing._

_Sir Luke._ O, no, my Lord, not at all--not at all.--[_aside to her._] I'll be extremely obliged to _you_, if you will hold your tongue--Pray, my Lord, are you engaged out to dinner to-day? for her Ladyship and I dine out.

_Lady._ Yes, my Lord, and we should be happy to find your Lordship of the party.

_Lord._ "Engaged out to dinner"?--egad very likely--very likely--but if I am--I have positively forgotten where.

_Lady._ We are going to----

_Lord._ No--I think (now you put me in mind of it) I think I have company to dine with me--I am either going out to dinner, or have company to dine with me; but I really can't tell which--however, my people know----but I can't call to mind.--

_Sir Luke._ Perhaps your Lordship _has_ dined; can you recollect that?

_Lord._ No, no--I have not dined----what's o'clock?

_Lady._ Perhaps, my Lord, you have not breakfasted.

_Lord._ O, yes, I've breakfasted--I think so--but upon my word these things are very hard to remember.

_Sir Luke._ They are indeed, my Lord--and I wish all my family wou'd entirely forget them.

_Lord._ What did your Ladyship say was o'clock?

_Lady._ Exactly twelve, my Lord.

_Lord._ Bless me! I ought to have been some where else then--an absolute engagement.--I have broke my word--a positive appointment.

_Lady._ Shall I send a servant?

_Lord._ No, no, no, no--by no means--it can't be helped now--and they know my unfortunate failing--besides, I'll beg their pardon, and I trust that will be ample satisfaction.

_Lady._ You are very good, my Lord, not to leave us.

_Lord._ I cou'd not think of leaving you so soon, Madam--the happiness I enjoy here is _such_--

_Sir Luke._ And very likely were your Lordship to go away now, you might never recollect to come again.

_Enter_ Servant.

_Serv._ A Gentleman, Sir, just come from on board an English vessel, says, he has letters to present to you.

_Sir Luke._ Shew him in--[_Exit_ Servant.] _He_ has brought his character too, I suppose--and left it _behind_, too, I suppose.

_Enter Mr._ Twineall, _in a fashionable undress_.

_Twi._ Sir Luke, I have the honour of presenting to you, [_Gives letters_] one from my Lord Cleland--one from Sir Thomas Shoestring --one from Colonel Fril.

_Sir Luke._ [_Aside_] Who in the name of wonder have my friends recommended?--[_reads while Lord_ Flint _and the Lady talk apart_] No--as I live, he is a gentleman, and the son of a Lord--[_going to Lady_ Tremor.] My dear, that is a gentleman, notwithstanding his appearance--don't laugh--but let me introduce you to him.

_Lady._ A gentleman! certainly--I did not look at him before--but now I can perceive it.

_Sir Luke._ Mr. Twineall, give me leave to introduce Lady Tremor to you, and my Lord Flint--this, my Lord, is the Honourable Mr. Twineall from England, who will do me the favour to remain in my house, till he is settled to his mind in some post here. [_They bow._] I beg your pardon, Sir, for the somewhat cool reception Lady Tremor and I gave you at first--but I dare say her Ladyship was under the same mistake as myself--and I must own I took you at first sight for something very different from the person you prove to be--for really no English ships have arrived in this harbour for these five years past, and the dress of us English gentlemen is so much altered since that time--

_Twi._ But, I hope, Sir Luke, if it is, the alteration meets with your approbation.

_Lady._ O! to be sure--it is extremely elegant and becoming.

_Sir Luke._ Yes, my dear, I don't doubt but you think so; for I remember you used to make your favourite monkey wear just such a jacket, when he went out a visiting.

_Twin._ Was he your favourite, Madam?--Sir, you are very obliging. [_Bowing to Sir Luke._]

_Sir Luke._ My Lord, if it were possible for your Lordship to call to your _remembrance_ such a trifle--

_Lady._ Dear Sir Luke----[_Pulling him._

_Lord._ Egad, I believe I do call to my remembrance--[_Gravely considering._]--Not, I assure you, Sir, that I perceive any great resemblance--or, if it was so--I dare say it is merely in the dress----which I must own strikes me as most ridiculous--very ridiculous indeed.----

_Twi._ My Lord!

_Lord._ I beg pardon, if I have said any thing that----Lady Tremor, what did I say?----make my apology, if I have said any thing improper--you know my unhappy failing. [_Goes up the stage._

_Lady._ [_to Twineall._] Sir, his Lordship has made a mistake in the word "ridiculous," which I am sure he did not mean to say--but he is apt to make use of one word for another--his Lordship has been so long out of England, that he may be said in some measure to have forgotten his native language.

[_His Lordship all this time appears consequentially absent._

_Twi._ And you have perfectly explained, Madam--indeed I ought to have been convinced, without your explanation, that if his Lordship made use of the word _ridiculous_ (even intentionally) that the word had now changed its former sense, and was become a mode to express satisfaction--or his Lordship wou'd not have made use of it in the very forcible manner he did, to a perfect stranger.

_Sir Luke._ What, Mr. Twineall, have you new modes, new fashions for _words_ too in England, as well as for dresses?--and are you equally extravagant in their adoption?

_Lady._ I never heard, Sir Luke, but that the fashion of words varied, as well as the fashion of every thing else.

_Twi._ But what is most extraordinary--we have now a fashion in England, of speaking without any words at all.

_Lady._ Pray, Sir, how is that?

_Sir Luke._ Ay, do, Mr. Twineall, teach my wife, and I shall be very much obliged to you--it will be a great accomplishment. Even you, my Lord, ought to be attentive to this fashion.

_Twi._ Why, Madam, for instance, when a gentleman is asked a question which is either troublesome or improper to answer, you don't say you _won't_ answer it, even though you speak to an inferior----but you say----"really it appears to me e-e-e-e-e--[_mutters and shrugs_]--that is--mo-mo-mo-mo-mo--[_mutters_]--if you see the thing--for my part ----te-te-te-te----and that's all I can tell about it at _present_."

_Sir Luke._ And you have told nothing!

_Twi._ Nothing upon earth.

_Lady._ But mayn't one guess what you mean?

_Twi._ O, yes--perfectly at liberty to guess.

_Sir Luke._ Well, I'll be shot if I _could_ guess.

_Twi._ And again--when an impertinent pedant asks you a question that you know nothing about, and it may not be convenient to say so--you answer _boldly_, "why really, Sir, my opinion _is_, that the Greek poet--he-he-he-he--[_mutters_]--we-we-we-we--you see--if his idea was--and if the Latin translator--mis-mis-mis-mis--[_shrugs_]----that I shou'd think--in my humble opinion--but the Doctor _may_ know better than I."----

_Sir Luke._ The Doctor must know very little else.

_Twi._ Or in case of a duel, where one does not care to say who was right, or who was wrong--you answer--"_This_, Sir, is the state of the matter--Mr. F-- came first--te-te-te-te--on that--be-be-be-be--if the other--in short--[_whispers_]--whis-whis-whis-whis"----

_Sir Luke._ What?

_Twi._ "There, now you have it--there 'tis--but don't say a word about it--or, if you do--don't say it come from me."--

_Lady._ Why, you have not told a word of the story!

_Twi._ But that your auditor must not say to you--that's not the fashion--he never tells you that--he may say--"You have not made yourself _perfectly_ clear;"--or he may say--"He must have the matter _more particularly_ pointed out somewhere else;"--but that is all the auditor can say with good breeding.

_Lady._ A very pretty method indeed to satisfy one's curiosity!

_Enter_ Servant.

_Serv._ Mr. Haswell.

_Sir Luke._ This is a countryman of ours, Mr. Twineall, and a very good man I assure you.

_Enter_ Mr. Haswell.

_Sir Luke._ Mr. Haswell, how do you do?

[_Warmly._

_Has._ Sir Luke, I am glad to see you.----Lady Tremor, how do you do? [_He bows to the rest._

_Lady._ O, Mr. Haswell, I am extremely glad you are come--here is a young adventurer just arrived from England, who has been giving us such a strange account of all that's going on there. [_Introducing Twineall._

_Has._ Sir, you are welcome to India. [_Sir Luke whispers Haswell._ Indeed!--_his_ son.

_Lady._ Do, Mr. Haswell, talk to him--he can give you great information.

_Has._ I am glad of it--I shall then hear many things I am impatient to become acquainted with. [_Goes up to Twineall._] Mr. Twineall, I have the honour of knowing his Lordship, your father, extremely well--he holds his seat in Parliament still, I presume?

_Twi._ He does, Sir.

_Has._ And your uncle, Sir Charles?

_Twi._ Both, Sir--both in Parliament still.

_Has._ Pray, Sir, has any act in behalf of the poor clergy taken place yet?

_Twi._ In behalf of the poor clergy, Sir?--I'll tell you--I'll tell you, Sir.----As to that act--concerning--[_shrugs and mutters_] --em-em-em-em--the Committee--em-em--ways and means--hee-hee--I assure you, Sir--te-te-te--[_Sir Luke, Lady, and Lord Flint laugh._

My father and my uncle both think so, I assure you.

_Has._ Think _how_, Sir?

_Sir Luke._ Nay, that's not good breeding--you must ask no more questions.

_Has._ Why not?

_Sir Luke._ Because--we-we-we-we--[_mimicks_]--he knows nothing about it.

_Has._ What, Sir--not know?

_Twi._ Yes, Sir, perfectly acquainted with every thing that passes in the house--but I assure you, that when they come to be reported---- but, Sir Luke, now permit me, in my turn, to make a few inquiries concerning the state of this country.

[_Sir Luke starts, and fixes his eyes suspiciously on Lord Flint._

_Sir Luke._ Why, one does not like to speak much about the country one lives in--but, Mr. Haswell, you have been visiting our encampments; _you_ may tell us what is going on there.

_Lady._ Pray, Mr. Haswell, is it true that the Sultan cut off the head of one of his wives the other day because she said "I won't?"

_Sir Luke._ Do, my dear, be silent.

_Lady._ I won't.

_Sir Luke._ O, that the Sultan had you instead of me!

_Lady._ And with my head off, I suppose?

_Sir Luke._ No, my dear; in that state, I shou'd have no objection to you myself.

_Lady._ [_Aside to Sir Luke._] Now, I'll frighten you ten times more.--But, Mr. Haswell, I am told there are many persons suspected of disaffection to the present Sultan, who have been lately, by his orders, arrested, and sold to slavery, notwithstanding there was no proof against them produced.

_Has._ Proof!----in a State such as this, the charge is quite sufficient.

_Sir Luke._ [_In apparent agonies, wishing to turn the discourse._] Well, my Lord, and how does your Lordship find yourself this afternoon?--this morning, I mean--Bless my soul! why I begin to be as forgetful as your Lordship. [_Smiling and fawning._

_Lady._ How I pity the poor creatures!

_Sir Luke._ [_Aside to Lady._] Take care what you say before that tool of state--look at him, and tremble for your head.

_Lady._ Look at him, and tremble for _yours_--and so, Mr. Haswell, all this is true?--and some people, of consequence too, I am told, dragged from their homes, and sent to slavery merely on suspicion?

_Has._ Yet, less do I pity those, than some, whom prisons and dungeons crammed before, are yet prepared to receive.

_Lord._ Mr. Haswell, such is the Sultan's pleasure.

_Sir Luke._ Will your Lordship take a turn in the garden? it looks from this door very pleasant;--does not it?

_Lady._ But pray, Mr. Haswell, has not the Sultan sent for you to attend at his palace this morning?

_Has._ He has, Madam.

_Lady._ There! I heard he had, but Sir Luke said not.--I am told he thinks himself under the greatest obligations to you.

_Has._ The report has flattered me--but if his highness _shou'd_ think himself under obligations, I can readily point a way, by which he may acquit himself of them.

_Lady._ In the mean time, I am sure, you feel for those poor sufferers.

_Has._ [_With stifled emotion._] Sir Luke, good morning to you--I call'd upon some trifling business, but I have out-staid my time, and therefore I'll call again in a couple of hours--Lady Tremor, good morning--my Lord--Mr. Twineall--[_Bows, and exit._

_Twi._ Sir Luke, your garden _does_ look so divinely beautiful--

_Sir Luke._ Come, my Lord, will you take a turn in it? Come Mr. Twineall--come my dear--[_taking her hand._] I can't think what business Mr. Haswell has to speak to me upon--for my part, I am quite a plain man--and busy myself about no one's affairs, except my own--but I dare say your Lordship has forgot all we have been talking about.

_Lord._ If you permit me, Sir Luke, I'll hand the Lady.

_Sir Luke._ Certainly, my Lord, if you please--come, Mr. Twineall, and I'll conduct you. [_Exeunt._

END OF THE FIRST ACT.