Chapter 1

STORIES BY ENGLISH AUTHORS

IRELAND

THE GRIDIRON BY SAMUEL LOVER THE EMERGENCY MEN BY GEORGE H. JESSOP A LOST RECRUIT BY JANE BARLOW THE RIVAL DREAMERS BY JOHN BANIM NEAL MALONE BY WILLIAM CARLETON THE BANSHEE ANONYMOUS

THE GRIDIRON

BY SAMUEL LOVER

A certain old gentleman in the west of Ireland, whose love of the ridiculous quite equalled his taste for claret and fox-hunting, was wont, upon festive occasions, when opportunity offered, to amuse his friends by _drawing out_ one of his servants, exceedingly fond of what he termed, his “thravels,” and in whom a good deal of whim, some queer stories, and, perhaps more than all, long and faithful services had established a right of loquacity. He was one of those few trusty and privileged domestics who, if his master unheedingly uttered a rash thing in a fit of passion, would venture to set him right. If the squire said, “I’ll turn that rascal off,” my friend Pat would say, “Throth you won’t, sir;” and Pat was always right, for if any altercation arose upon the “subject-matter in hand,” he was sure to throw in some good reason, either from former services--general good conduct--or the delinquent’s “wife and children,” that always turned the scale.

But I am digressing. On such merry meetings as I have alluded to, the master, after making certain “approaches,” as a military man would say, as the preparatory steps in laying siege to some extravaganza of his servant, might, perchance, assail Pat thus: “By the by, Sir John” (addressing a distinguished guest), “Pat has a very curious story, which something you told me to-day reminds me of. You remember, Pat” (turning to the man, evidently pleased at the notice thus paid to himself)--“you remember that queer adventure you had in France?”

“Throth I do, sir,” grins forth Pat.

“What!” exclaims Sir John, in feigned surprise, “was Pat ever in France?”

“Indeed he was,” cries mine host; and Pat adds, “Ay, and farther, plase your honour.”

“I assure you, Sir John,” continues mine host, “Pat told me a story once that surprised me very much, respecting the ignorance of the French.”

“Indeed!” rejoined the baronet; “really, I always supposed the French to be a most accomplished people.”

“Throth, then, they’re not, sir,” interrupts Pat.

“Oh, by no means,” adds mine host, shaking his head emphatically.

“I believe, Pat, ’twas when you were crossing the Atlantic?” says the master, turning to Pat with a seductive air, and leading into the “full and true account” (for Pat had thought fit to visit North Amerikay, for “a raison he had,” in the autumn of the year ninety-eight).

“Yes, sir,” says Pat, “the broad Atlantic”--a favourite phrase of his, which he gave with a brogue as broad, almost, as the Atlantic itself.

“It was the time I was lost in crassin’ the broad Atlantic, a-comin’ home,” began Pat, decoyed into the recital; “whin the winds began to blow, and the saw to rowl, that you’d think the Colleen Dhas (that was her name) would not have a mast left but what would rowl out of her.

“Well, sure enough, the masts went by the hoard, at last, and the pumps were choked (divil choke them for that same), and av coorse the wather gained an us; and, throth, to be filled with wather is neither good for man or baste; and she was sinkin’ fast, settlin’ down, as the sailors call it; and, faith, I never was good at settlin’ down in my life, and I liked it then less nor ever. Accordingly we prepared for the worst, and put out the boot, and got a sack o’ bishkits and a cask o’ pork and a kag o’ wather and a thrifle o’ rum aboord, and any other little matthers we could think iv in the mortial hurry we wor in--and, faith, there was no time to be lost, for, my darlint, the Colleen Dhas went down like a lump o’ lead afore we wor many sthrokes o’ the oar away from her.

“Well, we dhrifted away all that night, and next mornin’ we put up a blanket an the end av a pole as well as we could, and then we sailed illegant; for we darn’t show a stitch o’ canvas the night before, bekase it was blowin’ like bloody murther, savin’ your presence, and sure it’s the wondher of the worid we worn’t swally’d alive by the ragin’ sae.

“Well, away we wint, for more nor a week, and nothin’ before our two good-lookin’ eyes but the canophy iv heaven and the wide ocean--the broad Atlantic; not a thing was to be seen but the sae and the sky; and though the sae and the sky is mighty purty things in themselves, throth, they’re no great things when you’ve nothin’ else to look at for a week together; and the barest rock in the world, so it was land, would be more welkim. And then, soon enough, throth, our provisions began to run low, the bishkits and the wather and the rum--throth, _that_ was gone first of all--God help uz!--and oh! it was thin that starvation began to stare us in the face. ‘O murther, murther, Captain darlint,’ says I, ‘I wish we could land anywhere,’ says I.

“‘More power to your elbow, Paddy, my boy,’ says he, ‘for sitch a good wish, and, throth, it’s myself wishes the same.’

“‘Och,’ says I, ‘that it may plase you, sweet queen iv heaven, supposing it was only a _dissolute_ island,’ says I, ‘inhabited wid Turks, sure they wouldn’t be such bad Chrishthans as to refuse us a bit and a sup.’

“‘Whisht, whisht, Paddy,’ says the captain, ‘don’t be talking bad of any one,’ says he; ‘you don’t know how soon you may want a good word put in for yourself, if you should be called to quarthers in th’ other world all of a suddint,” says he.

“‘Thrue for you, Captain darlint,’ says I--I called him darlint, and made free with him, you see, bekase disthress makes us all equal--’thrue for you, Captain jewel--God betune uz and harm, I own no man any spite’--and, throth, that was only thruth. Well, the last bishkit was sarved out, and, by gor, the _wather itself_ was all gone at last, and we passed the night mighty cowld. Well, at the brake o’ day the sun riz most beautifully out o’ the waves, that was as bright as silver and as clear as chrystal. But it was only the more cruel upon us, for we wor beginnin’ to feel _terrible_ hungry; when all at wanst I thought I spied the land. By gor, I thought I felt my heart up in my throat in a minit, and ‘Thunder an’ turf, Captain,’ says I, ‘look to leeward,’ says I.

“‘What for?’ says he.

“‘I think I see the land,’ says I.

“So hes ups with his bring-’em-near (that’s what the sailors call a spy-glass, sir), and looks out, and, sure enough, it was.

“‘Hurrah!’ says he, ‘we’re all right now; pull away, my boys,’ says he.

“‘Take care you’re not mistaken,’ says I; ‘maybe it’s only a fog-bank, Captain darlint,’ says I.

“‘Oh no,’ says he; ‘it’s the land in airnest.’

“‘Oh, then, whereaboats in the wide world are we, Captain?’ says I; ‘maybe it id be in _Roosia_, or _Proosia_, the Garmant Oceant,’ says I.

“‘Tut, you fool,’ says he, for he had that consaited way wid him, thinkin’ himself cleverer nor any one else--‘tut, you fool,’ says he, ‘that’s _France_,’ says he.

“‘Tare an ouns,’ says I, ‘do you tell me so? and how do you know it’s France it is, Captain dear?’ says I.

“‘Bekase this is the Bay o’ Bishky we’re in now,’ says he.

“‘Throth, I was thinkin’ so myself,’ says I, ‘by the rowl it has; for I often heerd av it in regard of that same; and, throth, the likes av it I never seen before nor since, and, with the help of God, never will.’

“Well, with that, my heart began to grow light; and when I seen my life was safe, I began to grow twice hungrier nor ever; so says I, ‘Captain jewel, I wish we had a gridiron.’

“‘Why, then,’ says he, ‘thunder an’ turf,’ says he, ‘what puts a gridiron into your head?’

“‘Bekase I’m starvin’ with the hunger,’ says I.

“‘And, sure, bad luck to you,’ says he, ‘you couldn’t eat a gridiron,’ says he, ‘barrin’ you were a _pelican_ O’ _the wildherness_,’ says he.

“‘Ate a gridiron!’ says I. ‘Och, in throth, I’m not such a gommoch all out as that, anyhow. But, sure, if we had a gridiron we could dress a beefstake,’ says I.

“‘Arrah! but where’s the beefstake?’ says he.

“‘Sure, couldn’t we cut a slice aff the pork?’ says I.

“‘By gor, I never thought o’ that,’ says the captain. ‘You’re a clever fellow, Paddy,’ says he, laughin’.

“‘Oh, there’s many a true word said in joke,’ says I.

“‘Thrue for you, Paddy,’ says he.

“‘Well, then,’ says I, ‘if you put me ashore there beyant (for we were nearin’ the land all the time), ‘and, sure, I can ax them for to lind me the loan of a gridiron,’ says I.

“‘Oh, by gor, the butther’s comin’ out o’ the stirabout in airnest now,’ says he; ‘you gommoch,’ says he, ‘sure I told you before that’s France--and, sure, they’re all furriners there,’ says the captain.

“‘Well, says I, ‘and how do you know but I’m as good a furriner myself as any o’ thim?’

“‘What do you mane?’ says he.

“‘I mane,’ says I, ‘what I towld you, that I’m as good a furriner myself as any o thim.’

“‘Make me sinsible,’ says he.

“‘By dad, maybe that’s more nor me, or greater nor me, could do,’ says I; and we all began to laugh at him, for I thought I would pay him off for his bit o’ consait about the Garmant Oceant.

“‘Lave off your humbuggin’,’ says he, ‘I bid you, and tell me what it is you mane at all at all.’

“‘Parly voo frongsay?’ says I.

“‘Oh, your humble sarvant,’ says he; ‘why, by gor, you’re a scholar, Paddy.’

“‘Thruth, you may say that,’ says I.

“‘Why, you’re a clever fellow, Paddy,’ says the captain, jeerin’ like.

“‘You’re not the first that said that,’ says I, ‘whether you joke or no.’

“‘Oh, but I’m in airnest,’ says the captain; ‘and do you tell me, Paddy,’ says he, ‘that you spake Frinch?’

“‘Parly voo frongsay?’ says I.

“‘By gor, that bangs Banagher, and all the world knows Banagher bangs the divil. I never met the likes o’ you, Paddy,’ says he. ‘Pull away, boys, and put Paddy ashore, and maybe we won’t get a good bellyful before long.’

“So, with that, it wos no sooner said nor done. They pulled away, and got close into shore in less than no time, and run the boat up in a little creek; and a beautiful creek it was, with a lovely white sthrand--an illegant place for ladies to bathe in the summer; and out I got; and it’s stiff enough in the limbs I was, afther bein’ cramped up in the boat, and perished with the cowld and hunger; but I conthrived to scramble on, one way or t’ other, tow’rd a little bit iv a wood that was close to the shore, and the smoke curlin’ out iv it, quite timptin’ like.

“‘By the powdhers o’ war, I’m all right,’ says I; ‘there’s a house there.’ And, sure enough, there was, and a parcel of men, women, and childher, ating their dinner round a table, quite convanient. And so I wint up to the door, and I thought I’d be very civil to them, as I heerd the Frinch was always mighty p’lite intirely, and I thought I’d show them I knew what good manners was.

“So I took aff my hat, and, making a low bow, says I, ‘God save all here,’ says I.

“Well, to be sure, they all stapt ating at wanst, and began to stare at me, and, faith, they almost looked me out of countenance; and I thought to myself, it was not good manners at all, more betoken from furriners which they call so mighty p’lite. But I never minded that, in regard o’ wantin’ the gridiron; and so says I, ‘I beg your pardon,’ says I, ‘for the liberty I take, but it’s only bein’ in disthress in regard of ating,’ says I, ‘that I made bowld to throuble yez, and if you could lind me the loan of a gridiron,’ says I, ‘I’d be intirely obleeged to ye.’

“By gor, they all stared at me twice worse nor before, and with that, says I (knowing what was in their minds), ‘Indeed, it’s thrue for you,’ says I. ‘I’m tatthered to pieces, and God knows I look quare enough; but it’s by raison of the storm,’ says I, ‘which dhruv us ashore here below, and we’re all starvin’,’ says I.

“So then they began to look at each other again; and myself seeing at once dirty thoughts was in their heads, and that they tuk me for a poor beggar coming to crave charity, with that says I, ‘Oh, not at all,’ says I, ‘by no manes--we have plenty of mate ourselves there below, and we’ll dhress it,’ says I, ‘if you would be plased to lind us the loan of a gridiron,’ says I, makin’ a low bow.

“Well, sir, with that, throth, they stared at me twice worse nor ever, and, faith, I began to think that maybe the captain was wrong, and that it was not France at all at all; and so says I, ‘I beg pardon, sir,’ says I to a fine ould man, with a head of hair as white as silver; ‘maybe I’m under a mistake,’ says I, ‘but I thought I was in France, sir; aren’t you furriners?’ says I. ‘Parly voo frongsay?’

“‘We, munseer,’ says he.

“‘Then would you lind me the loan of a gridiron,’ says I, ‘if you plase?’

“Oh, it was thin that they stared at me as if I had seven heads; and, faith, myself began to feel flushed like and onaisy; and so says I, makin’ a bow and scrape ag’in, ‘I know it’s a liberty I take, sir,’ says I, ‘but it’s only in the regard of bein’ cast away; and if you plase, sir,’ says I, ‘parly voo frongsay?’

“‘We, munseer,’ says he, mighty sharp.

“‘Then would you lind me the loan of a gridiron?’ says I, ‘and you’ll obleege me.’

“Well, sir, the ould chap began to munseer me; but the divil a bit of a gridiron he’d gi’ me; and so I began to think they wor all neygars, for all their fine manners; and, throth, my blood begun to rise, and says I, ‘By my sowl, if it was you was in disthress,’ says I, ‘and if it was to ould Ireland you kem, it’s not only the gridiron they’d give you, if you axed it, but something to put an it, too, and the drop o’ dhrink into the bargain, and cead mile failte.’

“Well, the word cead mile failte seemed to sthreck his heart, and the ould chap cocked his ear, and so I thought I’d give him another offer, and make him sinsible at last; and so says I, wanst more, quite slow, that he might understand, ‘Parly--voo--frongsay, munseer?’

“‘We, munseer,’ says he.

“‘Then lind me the loan of a gridiron,’ says I, ‘and bad scram to you.’

“Well, bad win to the bit of it he’d gi’ me, and the ould chap begins bowin’ and scrapin’, and said something or other about a long tongs.

[Footnote: Some mystification of Paddy’s touching the French n’tends.]

“‘Phoo!--the divil swape yourself and your tongs,’ says I; ‘I don’t want a tongs at all at all; but can’t you listen to raison?’ says I. ‘Parly voo frongsay?’

“‘We, munseer.’

“‘Then lind me the loan of a gridiron,’ says I, ‘and howld your prate.’

“Well, what would you think, but he shook his old noddle as much as to say he wouldn’t; and so says I, ‘Bad cess to the likes o’ that I ever seen! Throth, if you wor in my counthry, it’s not that away they’d use you. The curse o’ the crows an you, you ould sinner,’ says I; ‘the divil a longer i’ll darken your door.’

“So he seen I was vexed; and I thought, as I was turnin’ away, I seen him begin to relint, and that his conscience throubled him; and says I, turnin’ back, ‘Well, I’ll give you one chance more, you ould thief. Are you a Chrishthan at all? Are you a furriner,’ says I,’ that all the world calls so p’lite? Bad luck to you, do you understand your own language? Parly voo frongsay?’ says I.

“‘We, munseer,’ says he.

“‘Then, thunder an’ turf,’ says I, ‘will you lind me the loan of a gridiron?’

“Well, sir, the divil resa’ve the bit of it he’d gi’ me; and so, with that, ‘The curse o’ the hungry an you, you ould neygarly villain,’ says I; ‘the back o’ my hand and the sowl o’ my foot to you, that you may want a gridiron yourself yit,’ says I. And with that I left them there, sir, and kem away; and, in throth, it’s often sense that I thought that it was remarkable.”

THE EMERGENCY MEN

BY GEORGE H. JESSOP

The fourth morning after his arrival in Dublin, Mr. Harold Hayes, of New York, entered the breakfast-room of the Shelbourne Hotel in a very bad humour. He was sick of the city, of the people, and of his own company. Before leaving London he had written to his friend, Jack Connolly, that he was coming to Ireland, and he had expected to find a reply at the Shelbourne. For three days he had waited in vain, and it was partly, at least, on Jack’s account that Mr. Hayes was in Ireland at all. When Jack sailed from New York he had bound Harold by a solemn promise to spend a few weeks at Lisnahoe on his next visit to Europe. Miss Connelly, who had accompanied her brother on his American tour, had echoed and indorsed the invitation.

Harold had naturally expected to find at the hotel a letter urging him to take the first train for the south. He had seen a great deal of the Connellys during their stay in the United States, and Jack and he had become firm friends. He had crossed at this unusual season mainly on Jack’s account--on Jack’s account and his sister’s; so it was little wonder if the young man considered himself ill used. He felt that he had been lured across the Irish Channel--across the Atlantic Ocean itself--on false pretences.

But in a moment the cloud lifted from his brow, a quick smile stirred under his yellow moustache, and his eyes brightened, for a waiter handed him a letter. It lay, address uppermost, on the salver, and bore the Ballydoon postmark, and the handwriting was the disjointed scrawl which he had often ridiculed, but now welcomed as Jack Connolly’s.

This is what Hayes read as he sipped his coffee:

_Lisnahoe_, December 23d.

MY DEAR HAROLD: Home I come from Ballinasloe yesterday, and find your letter, the best part of a week old, kicking about among the bills and notices of meets that make the biggest end of my correspondence. You must be destroyed entirely, my poor fellow, if you’ve been three days in dear dirty Dublin, and you not knowing a soul in it. Come down at once, and you’ll find a hearty welcome here if you won’t find much else. I don’t see why you couldn’t have come anyhow, without waiting to write; but you were always so confoundedly ceremonious. We’re rather at sixes and sevens, for the governor’s got “in howlts” with his tenants and we’re boycotted. It’s not bad fun when you’re used to it, but a trifle inconvenient in certain small ways. Let me know what train you take and I’ll meet you at the station. You must be here for Christmas Day anyhow. Polly sends her regards, and says she knew the letter was from you, and she came near opening it. I’m sure I wish she had, and answered it, for I’m a poor fist at a letter.

Yours truly,

JACK CONNOLLY.

The first available train carried Harold southward. On the way he read the letter again. The notion of entering a boycotted household amused and pleased him. He had never been in Ireland before, and he was quite willing that his first visit should be well spiced with the national flavour. Of course he had his views on the Irish question. Every American newspaper reader is cheerfully satisfied with the conviction that the Celtic race on its native sod has no real faults. A constitutional antipathy to rent may exist, but that is a national foible which, owing doubtless to some peculiarity of the climate, is almost praiseworthy in Ireland, though elsewhere regarded as hardly respectable. At any rate, with the consciousness that he was about to come face to face with the much-talked-of boycott, Harold’s spirits rose, and as he read Polly Connolly’s message they rose still higher. He was a lively young fellow, and fond of excitement. And at one time, as he recalled with a smile and a sigh, he had been almost fond of Polly Connolly.

When he alighted at the station--a small place in Tipperary--the dusk of the early winter evening was closing in, and Harold recollected that his prompt departure from Dublin had prevented him from apprising Jack of his movements. Of course there would be no trap from Lisnahoe to meet this train, but that mattered little. Half a dozen hack-drivers were already extolling the merits of their various conveyances, and imploring his patronage.

Selecting the best-looking car, he swung himself into his seat, while the “jarvey” hoisted his portmanteau on the other side.

“Where to, yer honour?” inquired the latter, climbing to his place.

“To Lisnahoe House,” answered Hayes.

“Where?”

This question was asked with a vehemence that startled the young American.

“Lisnahoe. Don’t you know the way?” he replied.

“In troth an’ I do. Is it Connolly’s?”

“Yes,” answered Harold. “Drive on, my good fellow; it’s growing late.”

The man’s only answer was to spring from his seat and seize Harold’s portmanteau, which he deposited on the road with no gentle hand.

“What do you mean?” cried the young man, indignantly.

“I mane that ye’d betther come down out o’ that afore I make ye.”

Harold was on the ground in a moment and approached the man with clinched fists and flashing eyes.

“How dare you, you scoundrel! Will you drive me to Lisnahoe or will you not?”

“The divil a fut,” answered the fellow, sullenly.

Hayes controlled his anger by an effort. There was nothing to be gained by a row with the man. He turned to another driver.

“Pick up that portmanteau. Drive me out to Mr. Connolly’s. I’ll pay double fare.”

But they all with one consent, like the guests in the parable, began to make excuse. One man’s horse was lame, another’s car was broken down; the services of a third had been “bespoke.” Few were as frank as the man first engaged, but all were prompt with the obvious lies, scarcely less aggravating than actual rudeness. The station-master appeared, and attempted to use his influence in the traveller’s behalf, but he effected nothing.

“You’ll have to walk, sir,” said the official, civilly. “I’ll keep your portmanteau here till Mr. Connolly sends for it.” And he carried the luggage back into the station.

“How far is it to Mr. Connolly’s?” Harold inquired of a ragged urchin who had strolled up with several companions.

“Fish an’ find out,” answered the youngster, with a grin.

“We’ll tache them to be sendin’ Emergency men down here,” said another.

The New-Yorker was fast losing patience.

“This is Irish hospitality and native courtesy,” he remarked, bitterly. “Will any one tell me the road I am to follow?”

“Folly yer nose,” a voice shouted; and there was a general laugh, in the midst of which the station-master reappeared.

He pointed out the way, and Harold trudged off to accomplish, as best he might, five Irish miles over miry highways and byways through the darkness of the December evening.

This was the young American’s first practical experience of boycotting.

It was nearly seven o’clock when, tired and mud-bespattered, he reached Lisnahoe; but the warmth of his reception there went far to banish all recollection of the discomforts of his solitary tramp. A hearty hand-clasp from Jack, a frank and smiling greeting from Polly (she looked handsomer than ever, Harold thought, with her lustrous black hair and soft, dark-gray eyes), put him at his ease at once. Then came introductions to the rest of the family. Mr. Connolly, stout and white-haired, bade him welcome in a voice which owned more than a touch of Tipperary brogue. Mrs. Connolly, florid and good-humoured, was very solicitous for his comfort. The children confused him at first. There were so many of them, of all sizes, that Hayes abandoned for the present any attempt to distinguish them by name. There was a tall lad of twenty or thereabouts,--a faithful copy of his elder brother Jack,--who was addressed as Dick, and a pretty, fair-haired girl of seventeen, whom, as Polly’s sister, Harold was prepared to like at once. She was Agnes. After these came a long array,--no less than nine more,--ending with a sturdy little chap of three, whom Polly presently picked up and carried off to bed. Mr. Connolly, of Lisnahoe, could boast of a full quiver.