Chapter 2

_Enter_ LAURETTA _and_ MRS. BRIDGET CREDULOUS.

_Lau_. I repeat it again, mamma, officers are the prettiest men in the world, and Lieutenant O'Connor is the prettiest officer I ever saw.

_Mrs. Bri_. For shame, Laura! how can you talk so?--or if you must have a military man, there's Lieutenant Plow, or Captain Haycock, or Major Dray, the brewer, are all your admirers; and though they are peaceable, good kind of men, they have as large cockades, and become scarlet, as well as the fighting folks.

_Lau_. Psha! you know, mamma, I hate militia officers; a set of dunghill cocks with spurs on--heroes scratched off a church door-- clowns in military masquerade, wearing the dress without supporting the character. No, give me the bold upright youth, who makes love to- day, and his head shot off to-morrow. Dear! to think how the sweet fellows sleep on the ground, and fight in silk stockings and lace ruffles.

_Mrs. Bri_. Oh, barbarous! to want a husband that may wed you to- day, and be sent the Lord knows where before night; then in a twelvemonth perhaps to have him come like a Colossus, with one leg at New York, and the other at Chelsea Hospital.

_Lau_. Then I'll be his crutch, mamma.

_Mrs. Bri_. No, give me a husband that knows where his limbs are, though he want the use of them:--and if he should take you with him, to sleep in a baggage-cart, and stroll about the camp like a gipsy, with a knapsack and two children at your back; then, by way of entertainment in the evening, to make a party with the serjeant's wife to drink bohea tea, and play at all-fours on a drum-head:--'tis a precious life, to be sure!

_Lau_. Nay, mamma, you shouldn't be against my lieutenant, for I heard him say you were the best natured and best looking woman in the world.

_Mrs. Bri_. Why, child, I never said but that Lieutenant O'Connor was a very well-bred and discerning young man; 'tis your papa is so violent against him.

_Lau_. Why, Cousin Sophy married an officer.

_Mrs. Bri_. Ay, Laura, an officer of the militia.

_Lau_. No, indeed, ma'am, a marching regiment.

_Mrs. Bri_. No, child, I tell you he was a major of militia.

_Lau_. Indeed, mamma, it wasn't.

_Enter_ JUSTICE CREDULOUS.

_Just_. Bridget, my love, I have had a message.

_Lau_. It was cousin Sophy told me so.

_Just_. I have had a message, love--

_Mrs. Bri_. No, child, she would say no such thing.

_Just_. A message, I say.

_Lau_. How could he be in the militia when he was ordered abroad?

_Mrs. Bri_. Ay, girl, hold your tongue!--Well, my dear.

_Just_. I have had a message from Doctor Rosy.

_Mrs. Bri_. He ordered abroad! He went abroad for his health.

_Just_. Why, Bridget!--

_Mrs. Bri_. Well, deary.--Now hold your tongue, miss.

_Jus_. A message from Dr. Rosy, and Dr. Rosy says--

_Lau_. I'm sure, mamma, his regimentals--

_Just_. Damn his regimentals!--Why don't you listen?

_Mrs. Bri_. Ay, girl, how durst you interrupt your papa?

_Lau_. Well, papa.

_Just_. Dr. Rosy says he'll bring--

_Lau_. Were blue turned up with red, mamma.

_Just_. Laury!--says he will bring the young man--

_Mrs. Bri_. Red! yellow, if you please, miss.

_Just_. Bridget!--the young man that is to be hired--

_Mrs. Bri_. Besides, miss, it is very unbecoming in you to want to have the last word with your mamma; you should know--

_Just_. Why, zounds! will you hear me or no?

_Mrs. Bri_. I am listening, my love, I am listening!--But what signifies my silence, what good is my not speaking a word, if this girl will interrupt and let nobody speak but herself?--Ay, I don't wonder, my life, at your impatience; your poor dear lips quiver to speak; but I suppose she'll run on, and not let you put in a word.-- You may very well be angry; there is nothing, sure, so provoking as a chattering, talking--

_Lau_. Nay, I'm sure, mamma, it is you will not let papa speak now.

_Mrs. Bri_. Why, you little provoking minx----

_Just_. Get out of the room directly, both of you--get out!

_Mrs. Bri_. Ay, go, girl.

_Just_. Go, Bridget, you are worse than she, you old hag. I wish you were both up to the neck in the canal, to argue there till I took you out.

_Enter_ SERVANT.

_Ser_. Doctor Rosy, sir

_Just_. Show him up. [_Exit_ SERVANT.]

_Lau_. Then you own, mamma, it was a marching regiment?

_Mrs. Bri_. You're an obstinate fool, I tell you; for if that had been the case----

_Just_. You won't go?

_Mrs. Bri_. We are going, Mr. Surly.--If that had been the case, I say, how could----

_Lau_. Nay, mamma, one proof----

_Mrs. Bri_. How could Major----

_Lau_. And a full proof----

[JUSTICE CREDULOUS _drives them off_.]

_Just_. There they go, ding dong in for the day. Good lack! a fluent tongue is the only thing a mother don't like her daughter to resemble her in.

_Enter_ DOCTOR ROSY.

Well, doctor, where's the lad--where's Trusty?

_Rosy_. At hand; he'll be here in a minute, I'll answer for't. He's such a one as you an't met with,--brave as a lion, gentle as a saline draught.

_Just_. Ah, he comes in the place of a rogue, a dog that was corrupted by the lieutenant. But this is a sturdy fellow, is he, doctor?

_Rosy_. As Hercules; and the best back-sword in the country. Egad, he'll make the red coats keep their distance.

_Just._ O the villains; this is St. Patrick's day, and the rascals have been parading my house all the morning. I know they have a design upon me; but I have taken all precautions: I have magazines of arms, and if this fellow does but prove faithful, I shall be more at ease.

_Rosy_. Doubtless he'll be a comfort to you.

_Re-enter_ SERVANT.

_Ser_. There is a man below, inquires for Doctor Rosy.

_Rosy_. Show him up.

_Just_. Hold! a little caution--how does he look?

_Ser_. A country-looking fellow, your worship.

_Just_. Oh, well, well, for Doctor Rosy; these rascals try all ways to get in here.

_Ser_. Yes, please your worship; there was one here this morning wanted to speak to you; he said his name was Corporal Breakbones.

_Just_. Corporal Breakbones!

_Ser_. And Drummer Crackskull came again.

_Just_. Ay, did you ever hear of such a damned confounded crew? Well, show the lad in here! [_Exit_ SERVANT.]

_Rosy_. Ay, he'll be your porter; he'll give the rogues an answer.

_Enter_ LIEUTENANT O'CONNOR, _disguised_.

_Just_. So, a tall--Efacks! what! has lost an eye?

_Rosy_. Only a bruise he got in taking seven or eight highwaymen.

_Just_. He has a damned wicked leer somehow with the other.

_Rosy_. Oh, no, he's bashful--a sheepish look----

_Just_. Well, my lad, what's your name?

_O'Con_. Humphrey Hum.

_Just_. Hum--I don't like Hum!

_O'Con_. But I be mostly called honest Humphrey----

_Rosy_. There, I told you so, of noted honesty.

_Just_. Well, honest Humphrey, the doctor has told you my terms, and you are willing to serve, hey?

_O'Con_. And please your worship I shall be well content.

_Just_. Well, then, hark'ye, honest Humphrey,--you are sure now, you will never be a rogue--never take a bribe hey, honest Humphrey?

_O'Con_. A bribe! what's that?

_Just._ A very ignorant fellow indeed!

_Rosy_. His worship hopes you will not part with your honesty for money.

_O'Con_. Noa, noa.

_Just_. Well said, Humphrey--my chief business with you is to watch the motions of a rake-helly fellow here, one Lieutenant O'Connor.

_Rosy_. Ay, you don't value the soldiers, do you, Humphrey?

_O'Con_. Not I; they are but zwaggerers, and you'll see they'll be as much afraid of me as they would of their captain.

_Just_. And i'faith, Humphrey, you have a pretty cudgel there!

_O'Con_. Ay, the zwitch is better than nothing, but I should be glad of a stouter: ha' you got such a thing in the house as an old coach-pole, or a spare bed-post?

_Just_. Oons, what a dragon it is!--Well, Humphrey, come with me.--I'll just show him to Bridget, doctor, and we'll agree.--Come along, honest Humphrey. [_Exit_.]

_O'Con_. My dear doctor, now remember to bring the justice presently to the walk: I have a scheme to get into his confidence at once.

_Rosy_. I will, I will. [_They shake hands_.]

_Re-enter_ JUSTICE CREDULOUS.

_Just_. Why, honest Humphrey, hey! what the devil are you at?

_Rosy_. I was just giving him a little advice.--Well I must go for the present.--Good-morning to your worship--you need not fear the lieutenant while he is in your house.

_Just_. Well, get in, Humphrey. Good-morning to you, doctor.-- [_Exit_ DOCTOR ROSY.] Come along, Humphrey.--Now I think I am a match for the lieutenant and all his gang. [_Exeunt_.]