Chapter 3
A BRITISH tar is a soaring soul, As free as a mountain bird, His energetic fist should be ready to resist A dictatorial word. His nose should pant and his lip should curl, His cheeks should flame and his brow should furl, His bosom should heave and his heart should glow, And his fist be ever ready for a knock-down blow.
His eyes should flash with an inborn fire, His brow with scorn be rung; He never should bow down to a domineering frown, Or the tang of a tyrant tongue. His foot should stamp and his throat should growl, His hair should twirl and his face should scowl; His eyes should flash and his breast protrude, And this should be his customary attitude!
A MAN WHO WOULD WOO A FAIR MAID
A MAN who would woo a fair maid, Should ’prentice himself to the trade; And study all day, In methodical way, How to flatter, cajole, and persuade. He should ’prentice himself at fourteen And practise from morning to e’en; And when he’s of age, If he will, I’ll engage, He may capture the heart of a queen! It is purely a matter of skill, Which all may attain if they will: But every Jack He must study the knack If he wants to make sure of his Jill!
If he’s made the best use of his time, His twig he’ll so carefully lime That every bird Will come down at his word. Whatever its plumage and clime. He must learn that the thrill of a touch May mean little, or nothing, or much; It’s an instrument rare, To be handled with care, And ought to be treated as such. It is purely a matter of skill, Which all may attain if they will: But every Jack, He must study the knack If he wants to make sure of his Jill!
Then a glance may be timid or free; It will vary in mighty degree, From an impudent stare To a look of despair That no maid without pity can see. And a glance of despair is no guide— It may have its ridiculous side; It may draw you a tear Or a box on the ear; You can never be sure till you’ve tried. It is purely a matter of skill, Which all may attain if they will: But every Jack He must study the knack If he wants to make sure of his Jill!
THE SORCERER’S SONG
OH! my name is JOHN WELLINGTON WELLS— I’m a dealer in magic and spells, In blessings and curses, And ever-filled purses, In prophecies, witches, and knells! If you want a proud foe to “make tracks”— If you’d melt a rich uncle in wax— You’ve but to look in On our resident Djinn, Number seventy, Simmery Axe.
We’ve a first-class assortment of magic; And for raising a posthumous shade With effects that are comic or tragic, There’s no cheaper house in the trade. Love-philtre—we’ve quantities of it; And for knowledge if any one burns, We keep an extremely small prophet, a prophet Who brings us unbounded returns: For he can prophesy With a wink _of_ his eye, Peep with security Into futurity, Sum up your history, Clear up a mystery, Humour proclivity For a nativity. With mirrors so magical, Tetrapods tragical, Bogies spectacular, Answers oracular, Facts astronomical, Solemn or comical, And, if you want it, he Makes a reduction on taking a quantity! Oh! If any one anything lacks, He’ll find it all ready in stacks, If he’ll only look in On the resident Djinn, Number seventy, Simmery Axe!
He can raise you hosts, Of ghosts, And that without reflectors; And creepy things With wings, And gaunt and grisly spectres! He can fill you crowds Of shrouds, And horrify you vastly; He can rack your brains With chains, And gibberings grim and ghastly. Then, if you plan it, he Changes organity With an urbanity, Full of Satanity, Vexes humanity With an inanity Fatal to vanity— Driving your foes to the verge of insanity. Barring tautology, In demonology, ’Lectro biology, Mystic nosology, Spirit philology, High class astrology, Such is his knowledge, he Isn’t the man to require an apology Oh! My name is JOHN WELLINGTON WELLS, I’m a dealer in magic and spells, In blessings and curses, And ever-filled purses— In prophecies, witches, and knells. If any one anything lacks, He’ll find it all ready in stacks, If he’ll only look in On the resident Djinn, Number seventy, Simmery Axe!
THE FICKLE BREEZE
SIGHING softly to the river Comes the loving breeze, Setting nature all a-quiver, Rustling through the trees! And the brook in rippling measure Laughs for very love, While the poplars, in their pleasure, Wave their arms above! River, river, little river, May thy loving prosper ever. Heaven speed thee, poplar tree, May thy wooing happy be!
Yet, the breeze is but a rover, When he wings away, Brook and poplar mourn a lover! Sighing well-a-day! Ah, the doing and undoing That the rogue could tell! When the breeze is out a-wooing, Who can woo so well? Pretty brook, thy dream is over, For thy love is but a rover! Sad the lot of poplar trees, Courted by the fickle breeze!
THE FIRST LORD’S SONG
WHEN I was a lad I served a term As office boy to an Attorney’s firm; I cleaned the windows and I swept the floor, And I polished up the handle of the big front door. I polished up that handle so successfullee, That now I am the Ruler of the Queen’s Navee!
As office boy I made such a mark That they gave me the post of a junior clerk; I served the writs with a smile so bland, And I copied all the letters in a big round hand. I copied all the letters in a hand so free, That now I am the Ruler of the Queen’s Navee!
In serving writs I made such a name That an articled clerk I soon became; I wore clean collars and a brand-new suit For the Pass Examination at the Institute: And that Pass Examination did so well for me, That now I am the Ruler of the Queen’s Navee!
Of legal knowledge I acquired such a grip That they took me into the partnership, And that junior partnership I ween, Was the only ship that I ever had seen: But that kind of ship so suited me, That now I am the Ruler of the Queen’s Navee!
I grew so rich that I was sent By a pocket borough into Parliament; I always voted at my Party’s call, And I never thought of thinking for myself at all. I thought so little, they rewarded me, By making me the Ruler of the Queen’s Navee!
Now, landsmen all, whoever you may be, If you want to rise to the top of the tree— If your soul isn’t fettered to an office stool, Be careful to be guided by this golden rule— Stick close to your desks and _never go to sea_, And you all may be Rulers of the Queen’s Navee!
WOULD YOU KNOW?
WOULD you know the kind of maid Sets my heart a flame-a? Eyes must be downcast and staid, Cheeks must flush for shame-a! She may neither dance nor sing, But, demure in everything, Hang her head in modest way With pouting lips that seem to say, “Kiss me, kiss me, kiss me, kiss me, Though I die of shame-a!” Please you, that’s the kind of maid Sets my heart a flame-a!
When a maid is bold and gay With a tongue goes clang-a, Flaunting it in brave array, Maiden may go hang-a! Sunflower gay and hollyhock Never shall my garden stock; Mine the blushing rose of May, With pouting lips that seem to say “Oh, kiss me, kiss me, kiss me, kiss me, Though I die for shame-a!” Please you, that’s the kind of maid Sets my heart a flame-a!
SPECULATION
COMES a train of little ladies From scholastic trammels free, Each a little bit afraid is, Wondering what the world can be!
Is it but a world of trouble— Sadness set to song? Is its beauty but a bubble Bound to break ere long?
Are its palaces and pleasures Fantasies that fade? And the glory of its treasures Shadow of a shade?
Schoolgirls we, eighteen and under, From scholastic trammels free, And we wonder—how we wonder!— What on earth the world can be!
AH ME!
WHEN maiden loves, she sits and sighs, She wanders to and fro; Unbidden tear-drops fill her eyes, And to all questions she replies, With a sad heigho! ’Tis but a little word—“heigho!” So soft, ’tis scarcely heard—“heigho!” An idle breath— Yet life and death May hang upon a maid’s “heigho!”
When maiden loves, she mopes apart, As owl mopes on a tree; Although she keenly feels the smart, She cannot tell what ails her heart, With its sad “Ah me!” ’Tis but a foolish sigh—“Ah me!” Born but to droop and die—“Ah me!” Yet all the sense Of eloquence Lies hidden in a maid’s “Ah me!”
THE DUKE OF PLAZA-TORO
IN enterprise of martial kind, When there was any fighting, He led his regiment from behind (He found it less exciting). But when away his regiment ran, His place was at the fore, O— That celebrated, Cultivated, Underrated Nobleman, The Duke of Plaza-Toro! In the first and foremost flight, ha, ha! You always found that knight, ha, ha! That celebrated, Cultivated, Underrated Nobleman, The Duke of Plaza-Toro!
When, to evade Destruction’s hand, To hide they all proceeded, No soldier in that gallant band Hid half as well as he did. He lay concealed throughout the war, And so preserved his gore, O! That unaffected, Undetected, Well connected Warrior, The Duke of Plaza-Toro! In every doughty deed, ha, ha! He always took the lead, ha, ha! That unaffected, Undetected, Well connected Warrior, The Duke of Plaza-Toro!
When told that they would all be shot Unless they left the service, That hero hesitated not, So marvellous his nerve is. He sent his resignation in, The first of all his corps, O! That very knowing, Overflowing, Easy-going Paladin, The Duke of Plaza-Toro! To men of grosser clay, ha, ha! He always showed the way, ha, ha! That very knowing, Overflowing, Easy-going Paladin, The Duke of Plaza-Toro!
THE ÆSTHETE
IF you’re anxious for to shine in the high æsthetic line, as a man of culture rare, You must get up all the germs of the transcendental terms, and plant them everywhere. You must lie upon the daisies and discourse in novel phrases of your complicated state of mind (The meaning doesn’t matter if it’s only idle chatter of a transcendental kind). And every one will say, As you walk your mystic way, “If this young man expresses himself in terms too deep for _me_, Why, what a very singularly deep young man this deep young man must be!”
Be eloquent in praise of the very dull old days which have long since passed away, And convince ’em, if you can, that the reign of good QUEEN ANNE was Culture’s palmiest day. Of course you will pooh-pooh whatever’s fresh and new, and declare it’s crude and mean, And that Art stopped short in the cultivated court of the EMPRESS JOSEPHINE. And every one will say, As you walk your mystic way, “If that’s not good enough for him which is good enough for _me_, Why, what a very cultivated kind of youth this kind of youth must be!”
Then a sentimental passion of a vegetable fashion must excite your languid spleen, An attachment _à la_ Plato for a bashful young potato, or a not-too-French French bean. Though the Philistines may jostle, you will rank as an apostle in the high æsthetic band, If you walk down Piccadilly with a poppy or a lily in your mediæval hand. And every one will say, As you walk your flowery way, “If he’s content with a vegetable love which would certainly not suit _me_, Why, what a most particularly pure young man this pure young man must be!”
SAID I TO MYSELF, SAID I
WHEN I went to the Bar as a very young man (Said I to myself—said I), I’ll work on a new and original plan (Said I to myself—said I), I’ll never assume that a rogue or a thief Is a gentleman worthy implicit belief, Because his attorney, has sent me a brief (Said I to myself—said I!)
I’ll never throw dust in a juryman’s eyes (Said I to myself—said I), Or hoodwink a judge who is not over-wise (Said I to myself—said I), Or assume that the witnesses summoned in force In Exchequer, Queen’s Bench, Common Pleas, or Divorce, Have perjured themselves as a matter of course (Said I to myself—said I!)
Ere I go into court I will read my brief through (Said I to myself—said I), And I’ll never take work I’m unable to do (Said I to myself—said I). My learned profession I’ll never disgrace By taking a fee with a grin on my face, When I haven’t been there to attend to the case (Said I to myself—said I!)
In other professions in which men engage (Said I to myself—said I), The Army, the Navy, the Church, and the Stage, (Said I to myself—said I), Professional licence, if carried too far, Your chance of promotion will certainly mar— And I fancy the rule might apply to the Bar (Said I to myself—said I!)
SORRY HER LOT
SORRY her lot who loves too well, Heavy the heart that hopes but vainly, Sad are the sighs that own the spell Uttered by eyes that speak too plainly; Heavy the sorrow that bows the head When Love is alive and Hope is dead!
Sad is the hour when sets the Sun— Dark is the night to Earth’s poor daughters, When to the ark the wearied one Flies from the empty waste of waters! Heavy the sorrow that bows the head When Love is alive and Hope is dead!
THE CONTEMPLATIVE SENTRY
WHEN all night long a chap remains On sentry-go, to chase monotony He exercises of his brains, That is, assuming that he’s got any. Though never nurtured in the lap Of luxury, yet I admonish you, I am an intellectual chap, And think of things that would astonish you. I often think it’s comical How Nature always does contrive That every boy and every gal, That’s born into the world alive, Is either a little Liberal, Or else a little Conservative! Fal lal la!
When in that house M.P.’s divide, If they’ve a brain and cerebellum, too, They’ve got to leave that brain outside, And vote just as their leaders tell ’em to. But then the prospect of a lot Of statesmen, all in close proximity, A-thinking for themselves, is what No man can face with equanimity. Then let’s rejoice with loud Fal lal That Nature wisely does contrive That every boy and every gal, That’s born into the world alive, Is either a little Liberal, Or else a little Conservative! Fal lal la!
THE PHILOSOPHIC PILL
I’VE wisdom from the East and from the West, That’s subject to no academic rule; You may find it in the jeering of a jest, Or distil it from the folly of a fool. I can teach you with a quip, if I’ve a mind; I can trick you into learning with a laugh; Oh, winnow all my folly, and you’ll find A grain or two of truth among the chaff!
I can set a braggart quailing with a quip, The upstart I can wither with a whim; He may wear a merry laugh upon his lip, But his laughter has an echo that is grim. When they’ve offered to the world in merry guise, Unpleasant truths are swallowed with a will— For he who’d make his fellow-creatures wise Should always gild the philosophic pill!
BLUE BLOOD
SPURN not the nobly born With love affected, Nor treat with virtuous scorn The well connected. High rank involves no shame— We boast an equal claim With him of humble name To be respected! Blue blood! Blue blood! When virtuous love is sought, Thy power is naught, Though dating from the Flood, Blue blood!
Spare us the bitter pain Of stern denials, Nor with low-born disdain Augment our trials. Hearts just as pure and fair May beat in Belgrave Square As in the lowly air Of Seven Dials! Blue blood! Blue blood! Of what avail art thou To serve me now? Though dating from the Flood, Blue blood!
THE JUDGE’S SONG
WHEN I, good friends, was called to the Bar, I’d an appetite fresh and hearty, But I was, as many young barristers are, An impecunious party. I’d a swallow-tail coat of a beautiful blue— A brief which was brought by a booby— A couple of shirts and a collar or two, And a ring that looked like a ruby!
In Westminster Hall I danced a dance, Like a semi-despondent fury; For I thought I should never hit on a chance Of addressing a British Jury— But I soon got tired of third-class journeys, And dinners of bread and water; So I fell in love with a rich attorney’s Elderly, ugly daughter.
The rich attorney, he wiped his eyes, And replied to my fond professions: “You shall reap the reward of your enterprise, At the Bailey and Middlesex Sessions. You’ll soon get used to her looks,” said he, “And a very nice girl you’ll find her— She may very well pass for forty-three In the dusk, with a light behind her!”
The rich attorney was as good as his word: The briefs came trooping gaily, And every day my voice was heard At the Sessions or Ancient Bailey. All thieves who could my fees afford Relied on my orations, And many a burglar I’ve restored To his friends and his relations.
At length I became as rich as the GURNEYS— An incubus then I thought her, So I threw over that rich attorney’s Elderly, ugly daughter. The rich attorney my character high Tried vainly to disparage— And now, if you please, I’m ready to try This Breach of Promise of Marriage!
WHEN I FIRST PUT THIS UNIFORM ON
WHEN I first put this uniform on, I said, as I looked in the glass, “It’s one to a million That any civilian My figure and form will surpass. Gold lace has a charm for the fair, And I’ve plenty of that, and to spare, While a lover’s professions, When uttered in Hessians, Are eloquent everywhere!” A fact that I counted upon, When I first put this uniform on!
I said, when I first put it on, “It is plain to the veriest dunce That every beauty Will feel it her duty To yield to its glamour at once. They will see that I’m freely gold-laced In a uniform handsome and chaste”— But the peripatetics Of long-haired æsthetics, Are very much more to their taste— Which I never counted upon When I first put this uniform on!
SOLATIUM
COMES the broken flower— Comes the cheated maid— Though the tempest lower, Rain and cloud will fade! Take, O maid, these posies: Though thy beauty rare Shame the blushing roses, They are passing fair! Wear the flowers till they fade; Happy be thy life, O maid!
O’er the season vernal, Time may cast a shade; Sunshine, if eternal, Makes the roses fade: Time may do his duty; Let the thief alone— Winter hath a beauty That is all his own. Fairest days are sun and shade: Happy be thy life, O maid!
A NIGHTMARE