Part 3

If there be a Disagreeableness of Humours, this, in my Mind, is harder to be born than greater Faults, as being a continual Plague, and for the most Part incurable. Other Vices a Man may grow weary of, or may be convinced of the Evil of them, he may forsake them, or they him, but his Humour and Temper are seldom, if ever, put off. Ill-nature sticks to him from his Youth to his grey Hairs, and a Boy that’s Humorous and Proud, makes a Peevish, Positive, and Insolent Old Man. Now if this be the Case, and the Husband be full of Himself, obstinately bent on his own Way, with or without Reason, if he be one who must be always Admir’d, always Humour’d, and yet scarce knows what will please him; if he has Prosperity enough to keep him from considering, and to furnish him with a Train of Flatterers and obsequious Admirers; and Learning and Sense enough to make him a Fop in Perfection; for a Man can never be a compleat Coxcomb, unless he has a considerable Share of these to value himself upon; What can the poor Woman do? The Husband is too Wise to be Advis’d, too Good to be Reform’d, she must follow all his Paces, and tread in all his unreasonable Steps, or there is no Peace, no Quiet for her; she must Obey with the greatest Exactness, ’tis in vain to expect any manner of Compliance on his Side, and the more she complies the more she may; his fantastical Humours grow with her Desire to gratify them, for Age increases Opinionatry in some, as well as it does Experience in others. Of such sort of Folks as these it was that _Soloman_ spake, when he said, _Seest thou a Man wise in his own Conceit, there is more hope of a Fool than of him_; That is, the profligate Sinner, such a one being always a Fool in _Solomon’s_ Language, is in a fairer Way of being convinc’d of his Folly, and brought to Reason, than the Proud, Conceited Man. That Man, indeed, can never be good at Heart, who is full of Himself and his own Endowments: Not that it is necessary, because it is not possible (humanly speaking) for one to be totally ignorant of his own good Qualities, I had almost said, he _ought_ to have a modest Sense of ’em, otherwise he can’t be duly thankful, nor make the Use of them that is required, to the Glory of _GOD_, and the Good of Mankind; but he views them in a wrong Light, if he discerns any Thing that may exalt him above his Neighbours, make him over-look their Merit, or treat them with Neglect or Contempt. He ought to behold them with Fear and Trembling, as Talents which he has freely receiv’d, and for which he is highly Accountable, and therefore they should not excite his Pride, but his Care and Industry.

And if Pride and Self-conceit keep a Man who has some good Qualities, and is not so bad as the most of his Neighbours, from growing better, it for certain confirms and hardens the Wicked in his Crimes, it sets him up for a Wit, that is, according to modern Acceptation, one who rallies all that is serious, a Contemner of the Priests first, and then of the Deity Himself. For Penitence and Self-condemnation are what his Haughtiness cannot bear, and since his Crimes have brought upon him the Reproaches of his own Mind, since he will not take the regular Way to be rid of them, which is, by Humbling himself, and making his Peace with Heaven, he bids Defiance to it, and wou’d, if he could, believe there is no future State, no After-retribution, because he has too just Reason to fear it.

If therefore it be a Woman’s hard Fate to meet with a disagreeable Temper, and of all others, the Haughty, Imperious, and Self-conceited are the most so, she is as unhappy as any Thing in this World can make her. For when a Wife’s Temper does not please, if she makes her Husband uneasy, he can find Entertainments Abroad; he has a hundred Ways of relieving himself; but neither Prudence nor Duty will allow a Woman to fly out: her Business and Entertainment are at home; and tho’ he makes it ever so uneasy to her, she must be content, and make her best on’t. She who elects a Monarch for Life, who gives him an Authority, she cannot recall, however he misapply it, who puts her Fortune and Person entirely in his Power, nay, even the very Desires of her Heart, according to some learned Casuists, so as that it is not lawful to Will or Desire any Thing but what he approves and allows, had need be very sure that she does not make a Fool her Head, nor a Vicious Man her Guide and Pattern; she had best stay till she can meet with one who has the Government of his own Passions, and has duly regulated his own Desires, since he is to have such an absolute Power over hers. But he who doats on a Face, he who makes Money his Idol, he who is charm’d with vain and empty Wit, gives no such Evidence, either of Wisdom or Goodness, that a Woman of any tolerable Sense shou’d care to venture her self to his Conduct.

Indeed, your fine Gentleman’s Actions are now a-days such, that did not Custom and the Dignity of his Sex give Weight and Authority to them, a Woman that thinks twice might bless her self, and say, Is this the Lord and Master to whom I am to promise Love, Honour and Obedience? What can be the Object of Love but amiable Qualities, the Image of the Deity impress’d upon a generous and godlike Mind, a Mind that is above this World, to be sure above all the Vices, the Tricks and Baseness of it; a Mind that is not full of it self, nor contracted to little private Interests, but which, in Imitation of that glorious Pattern it endeavours to copy after, expands and diffuses it self to its utmost Capacity in doing Good. But this fine Gentleman is quite of another Strain, he is the Reverse of this in every Instance. He is, I confess, very fond of his own Dear Person, he sees very much in it to admire; his Air and Mien, his Words and Actions, every Motion he makes, declare it; but they must have a Judgment of his Size, every whit as shallow, and a Partiality as great as his own, who can be of his Mind. How then can I Love? And if not Love, much less Honour. Love may arise from Pity, or a generous Desire to make that Lovely which as yet is not so, when we see any hopes of Success in our Endeavours of improving it; but Honour supposes some excellent Qualities already, something worth our Esteem; but, alas! there is nothing more contemptible than this Trifle of a Man, this meer Out-side, whose Mind is as base and mean as his external Pomp is glittering. His Office or Title apart, to which some ceremonious Observance must be paid for Order’s sake, there’s nothing in him that can command our Respect. Strip him of Equipage and Fortune, and such Things as only dazle our Eyes and Imaginations, but don’t in any measure affect our Reason, or cause a Reverence in our Hearts, and the poor Creature sinks beneath our Notice, because not supported by real Worth. And if a Woman can neither Love nor Honour, she does ill in promising to Obey, since she is like to have a crooked Rule to regulate her Actions.

A Meer Obedience, such as is paid only to Authority, and not out of Love and a Sense of the Justice and Reasonableness of the Command, will be of an uncertain Tenure. As it can’t but be uneasy to the Person who pays it, so he who receives it will be sometimes disappointed when he expects to find it: For that Woman must be endow’d with a Wisdom and Goodness much above what we suppose the Sex capable of, I fear much greater than any Man can pretend to, who can so constantly conquer her Passions, and divert her self even of Innocent Self-love, as to give up the Cause when she is in the Right, and to submit her inlightned Reason, to the imperious Dictates of a blind Will, and wild Imagination, even when she clearly perceives the ill Consequences of it, the Imprudence, nay, Folly and Madness of such a Conduct.

And if a Woman runs such a Risque when she marries prudently, according to the Opinion of the World, that is, when she permits her self to be dispos’d of to a Man equal to her in Birth, Education and Fortune, and as good as the most of his Neighbours, (for if none were to marry, but Men of strict Vertue and Honour, I doubt the World would be but thinly Peopled) if at the very best her Lot is hard, what can she expect who is Sold, or any otherwise betray’d into mercenary Hands, to one who is in all, or most respects, unequal to her? A Lover who comes upon what is call’d equal Terms, makes no very advantageous Proposal to the Lady he courts, and to whom he seems to be an humble Servant. For under many sounding Compliments, Words that have nothing in them, this is his true Meaning; He wants one to manage his Family, an House-keeper, one whose Interest it will be not to wrong him, and in whom therefore he can put greater Confidence than in any he can hire for Money. One who may breed his Children, taking all the Care and Trouble of their Education, to preserve his Name and Family. One whose Beauty, Wit, or good Humour and agreeable Conversation, will entertain him at Home when he has been contradicted and disappointed Abroad; who will do him that Justice the ill-natur’d World denies him; that is, in any one’s Language but his own, sooth his Pride and flatter his Vanity, by having always so much good Sense as to be on his Side, to conclude him in the Right, when others are so ignorant, or so rude, as to deny it. Who will not be blind to his Merit nor contradict his Will and Pleasure, but make it her Business, her very Ambition to content him; whose Softness and gentle Compliance will calm his Passions, to whom he may safely disclose his troublesome Thoughts, and in her Breast discharge his Cares; whose Duty, Submission and Observance, will heal those Wounds other Peoples Opposition or Neglect have given him. In a word, one whom he can intirely Govern, and consequently may form her to his Will and Liking, who must be his for Life, and therefore cannot quit his Service, let him treat her how he will.

And if this be what every Man expects, the Sum of his violent Love and Courtship, when it is put into Sense, and rendred Intelligible, to what a fine pass does she bring her self who purchases a Lord and Master, not only with her Money, but with what is of greater Value, at the Price of her Discretion! Who has not so much as that poor Excuse, Precedent and Example; or if she has, they are only such as all the World condemns? She will not find him less a Governor because she was once his Superior, on the contrary, the Scum of the People are most Tyrannical when they get the Power, and treat their Betters with the greatest Insolence. For, as the wise Man long since observ’d, A Servant when he Reigns, is one of those Things for which the Earth is disquieted, and which no body is able to bear.

It is the hardest Thing in the World for a Woman to know that a Man is not Mercenary, that he does not act on base and ungenerous Principles, even when he is her Equal, because being absolute Master, she and all the Grants he makes her are in his Power, and there have been but too many Instances of Husbands, that by wheedling, or threatning their Wives, by seeming Kindness, or cruel Usage, have persuaded, or forc’d them out of what has been settled on them. So that the Woman has in Truth no Security but the Man’s Honour and Good-nature, a Security that in this present Age no wise Person would venture much upon. A Man enters into Articles very readily before Marriage, and so he may, for he performs no more of them afterwards than he thinks fit. A Wife must never dispute with her Husband; his Reasons are now, no doubt on’t, better than hers, whatever they were before; he is sure to persuade her out of her Agreement, and bring her, it must be suppos’d, _Willingly_, to give up what she did vainly hope to obtain, and what she thought had been made sure to her. And if she shews any Refractoriness, there are Ways enough to humble her; so that by Right or Wrong the Husband gains his Will. For Covenants between Husband and Wife, like Laws in an Arbitrary Government, are of little Force, the Will of the Sovereign is All in All. Thus it is in Matter of Fact, I will not answer for the Right of it; for if the Woman’s Reasons, upon which those Agreements are grounded, are not just and good, why did he consent to them? Was it because there was no other Way to obtain his Suit, and with an Intention to annul them when it shall be in his Power? Where then is his Sincerity? But if her Reasons are good, where is his Justice in obliging her to quit them? He neither way acts like an equitable or honest Man.

But when a Woman marries unequally and beneath her self, there is almost Demonstration that the Man is sordid and unfair; that instead of loving her he only loves himself, trapans and ruins her to serve his own Ends. For if he had not a mighty Opinion of himself, (which Temper is like to make an admirable Husband) he would never imagine that his Person and good Qualities could make Compensation for all the Advantages she quits on his Account. If he had a real Esteem for her, or valued her Reputation, he would not expose it, nor have her Discretion call’d in Question for his sake; and if he truly lov’d her, he would not reduce her to Straits and a narrow Fortune, nor so much as lessen her way of Living to better his own. For since God has placed different Ranks in the World, put some in a higher, and some in a lower Station, for Order and Beauty’s sake, and for many good Reasons; though it is both our Wisdom and Duty not only to submit with Patience, but to be thankful and well-satisfied, when by his Providence we are brought low, yet there is no manner of Reason for us to degrade our selves; on the contrary, much why we ought not. The better our Lot is in this World, and the more we have of it, the greater is our Leisure to prepare for the next; we have the more Opportunity to exercise that God-like Quality, to taste that Divine Pleasure, doing Good to the Bodies and Souls of those beneath us. Is it not then ill Manners to Heaven, and an irreligious Contempt of its Favours, for a Woman to slight that nobler Employment, to which it has assign’d her, and thrust her self down to a meaner Drudgery, to what is in the very literal Sense a caring for the Things of the World, a caring not only to Please, but to Maintain a Husband?

And a Husband so chosen will not at all abate of his Authority and Right to Govern, whatever fair Promises he might make before. She has made him her Head, and he thinks himself as well qualified as the Best to act accordingly, nor has she given him any such Evidence of her Prudence as may dispose him to make an Act of Grace in her Favour. Besides, great Obligations are what Superiors cannot bear, they are more than can be return’d; to acknowledge were only to reproach themselves with Ingratitude, and therefore the readiest Way is, not to own, but over-look them, or rather, as too many do, to repay them with Affronts and Injuries.

What then is to be done? How must a Man choose, and what Qualities must incline a Woman to accept, that so our married Couple may be as happy as that State can make them? This is no hard Question; let the Soul be principally consider’d, and Regard had in the first place to a good Understanding, a vertuous Mind; and in all other respects let there be as much Equality as may be. If they are good Christians and of suitable Tempers all will be well; but I should be shrewdly tempted to suspect their Christianity who marry after any of those Ways we have been speaking of. I dare venture to say, that they don’t act according to the Precepts of the Gospel, they neither shew the Wisdom of the Serpent, nor the Innocency of the Dove; they have neither so much Government of themselves, nor so much Charity for their Neighbours; they neither take such Care not to scandalize others, nor to avoid Temptations themselves, are neither so much above this World, nor so affected with the next, as they would certainly be, did the Christian Religion operate in their Hearts, did they rightly understand, and sincerely practise it, or acted _indeed_ according to the Spirit of the Gospel.

But it is not enough to enter wisely into this State, Care must be taken of our Conduct afterwards. A Woman will not want being admonish’d of her Duty; the Custom of the World, Oeconomy, every Thing almost reminds her of it. Governors do not often suffer their Subjects to forget Obedience through their want of demanding it; perhaps Husbands are but too forward on this Occasion, and claim their Right oftner and more imperiously than either Discretion or good Manners will justify, and might have both a more chearful and constant Obedience paid them if they were not so rigorous in exacting it. For there is a mutual Stipulation, and Love, Honour, and Worship, by which certainly Civility and Respect at least are meant, are as much the Woman’s Due, as Love, Honour and Obedience are the Man’s. And being the Woman is said to be the weaker Vessel, the Man should be more careful not to grieve or offend her. Since her Reason is suppos’d to be less, and her Passions stronger than his, he should not give Occasion to call that Supposition in Question by his pettish Carriage and needless Provocations. Since he is the _Man_, by which very word Custom would have us understand not only greatest Strength of Body, but even greatest Firmness and Force of Mind, he should not play the _little Master_ so much as to expect to be cocker’d, nor run over to that Side which the Woman us’d to be rank’d in; for, according to the Wisdom of the _Italians, Will you? Is spoken to sick Folks_.

Indeed Subjection, according to the common Notion of it, is not over easy; none of us, whether Men or Women, but have so good an Opinion of our own Conduct, as to believe we are fit, if not to direct others, at least to govern our selves. Nothing but a sound Understanding, and Grace, the best Improver of Natural Reason, can correct this Opinion, truly humble us, and heartily reconcile us to Obedience. This bitter Cup therefore ought to be sweetned as much as may be; for Authority may be preserv’d and Government kept inviolable, without that nauseous Ostentation of Power, which serves to no End or Purpose, but to blow up the Pride and Vanity of those who have it, and to exasperate the Spirits of such as must truckle under it.

Insolence is never the Effect of Power but in weak and cowardly Spirits, who wanting true _Merit_ and Judgment to support themselves in that Advantageous Ground on which they stand, are ever appealing to their Authority, and making a Shew of it to maintain their Vanity and Pride. A truly great Mind, and such as is fit to Govern, tho’ it may stand on its Right with its Equals, and modestly expect what is due to it even from its Superiors, yet it never contends with its Inferiors, nor makes use of its Superiority but to do them Good. So that considering the just Dignity of Man, his great Wisdom so conspicuous on all Occasions! the Goodness of his Temper, and Reasonableness of all his Commands, which make it a Woman’s Interest as well as Duty to be observant and obedient in all Things; that his Prerogative is settled by an undoubted Right and the Prescription of many Ages; it cannot be suppos’d, that he should make frequent and insolent Claims of an Authority so well establish’d and us’d with such Moderation, nor give an impartial By-stander (could such an one be found) any Occasion from thence to suspect that he is inwardly conscious of the Badness of his Title; Usurpers being always most desirous of Recognitions, and busy in imposing Oaths, whereas a Lawful Prince contents himself with the usual Methods and Securities.

And since Power does naturally puff up, and he who finds himself exalted, seldom fails to think he _ought_ to be so, it is more suitable to a Man’s Wisdom and Generosity, to be mindful of his great Obligations, than to insist on his Rights and Prerogatives. Sweetness of Temper and an obliging Carriage are so justly due to a Wife, that a Husband who must not be thought to want either Understanding to know what is fit, nor Goodness to perform it, can’t be suppos’d not to shew them. For setting aside the Hazard of her Person to keep up his Name and Family, with all the Pains and Trouble that attend it, which may well be thought great enough to deserve all the Respect and Kindness that may be; setting this aside, though ’tis very considerable, a Woman has so much the Disadvantage in _most_, I was about to say, in _all_ Things, that she makes a Man the greatest Compliment in the World when she condescends to take him _for Better for Worse_. She puts her self intirely in his Power, leaves all that is dear to her, her Friends and Family, to espouse his Interests and follow his Fortune, and makes it her Business and Duty to please him! What Acknowledgments, what Returns can he make? What Gratitude can be sufficient for such Obligations? She shews her good Opinion of him by the great Trust she reposes in him, and what a Brute must he be who betrays that Trust, or acts any way unworthy of it? Ingratitude is one of the basest Vices, and if a Man’s Soul is sunk so low as to be guilty of it towards her who has so generously oblig’d him, and who so intirely depends on him, if he can treat her disrespectfully, who has so fully testified her Esteem of him, she must have a Stock of Vertue which he should blush to discern, if she can pay him that Obedience of which he is so unworthy.

Superiors indeed are too apt to forget the common Privileges of Mankind; that their Inferiors share with them the greatest Benefits, and are as capable as themselves of enjoying the supreme Good; that though the Order of the World requires an _Outward_ Respect and Obedience from some to others, yet the Mind is free, nothing but Reason can oblige it, ’tis out of the Reach of the most absolute Tyrant. Nor will it ever be well either with those who Rule or those in Subjection, even from the Throne to every private Family, till those in Authority look on themselves as plac’d in that Station for the Good and Improvement of their Subjects, and not for their own Sakes; not as the Reward of their Merit, or that they may prosecute their own Desires and fulfil all their Pleasure, but as the Representatives of God, whom they ought to imitate in the Justice and Equity of their Laws, in doing Good and communicating Blessings to all beneath them: By which, and not by following the imperious Dictates of their own Will, they become truly Great and Illustrious, and worthily fill their Place. And the Governed for their Part, ceasing to envy the Pomp and Name of Authority, should respect their Governors as placed in _GOD_’s stead, and contribute what they can to ease them of their real Cares, by a chearful and ready Compliance, with their good Endeavours, and by affording them the Pleasure of Success in such noble and generous Designs.

For, upon a due Estimate, Things are pretty equally divided; those in Subjection, as they have a less Glorious, so they have an easier Task and a less Account to give; Whereas he who Commands, has in a great measure the Faults of others to answer for as well as his own. ’Tis true, he has the Pleasure of doing more Good than a private Person can, and shall receive the Reward of it when Time shall be no more, in Compensation for the Hazards he runs, the Difficulties he at present encounters, and the large Account he is to make hereafter. Which Pleasure and Reward are highly desirable, and most worthy our Pursuit; but they are Motives which such as Usurp on their Governors, and make them uneasy in the due Discharge of their Duty, never propose. As for those other little Things that move their Envy and Ambition, they are of no Esteem with a just Considerer, nor will such as violently pursue, find their Account in them.