Part 2

Is it the being tied to _One_ that offends us? Why this ought rather to recommend it to us, and would really do so, were we guided by Reason, and not by Humour or brutish Passion. He who does not make Friendship the chief Inducement to his Choice, and prefer it before any other Consideration, does not deserve a good Wife, and therefore should not complain if he goes without one. Now we can never grow weary of our Friends; the longer we have had them the more they are endear’d to us; and if we have One well assur’d, we need seek no farther, but are sufficiently happy in her. The Love of Variety in this and in other Cases, shews only the ill Temper of our own Mind in that; for instead of being content with a competent Share of Good, thankfully and chearfully enjoying what is afforded us, and patiently bearing with the Inconveniencies that attend it, we would set up our Rest here, and expect Felicity where it is not to be found.

The Christian Institution of Marriage provides the best that may be for Domestick Quiet and Content, and for the Education of Children; so that if we were not under the Tie of Religion, even the Good of Society and civil Duty, would oblige us to what Christianity requires: And since the very best of us are but poor frail Creatures, full of Ignorance and Infirmity, so that in Justice we ought to tolerate each other, and exercise that Patience towards our Companions to Day, which we shall give them occasion to shew towards us To-morrow; the more we are accustom’d to any one’s Conversation, the better shall we understand their Humour, be more able to comply with their Weakness, and less offended at it. For he who would have every one submit to his Humours, and will not in his Turn comply with them, (though we should suppose him always in the right, whereas a Man of this Temper very seldom is so) is not fit for a Husband, scarce fit for Society, but ought to be turn’d out of the Herd as an unreasonable Creature.

There may indeed be Inconveniencies in a married Life; but is there any Condition without them? And he who lives single, that he may indulge Licentiousness and give up himself to the Conduct of wild and ungovern’d Desires, (or indeed out of any other Inducement, than the Glory of _GOD_ and the Good of his Soul, through the Prospect he has of doing more Good, or because his Frame and Disposition of Mind are more fit for a single than a married Life) may rail as he pleases against Matrimony, but can never justify his own Conduct, nor clear it from the Imputation of Wickedness and Folly.

But if Marriage be such a blessed State, how comes it, may you say, that there are so few happy Marriages? Now in answer to this, it is not to be wonder’d that so few succeed; we should rather be surpriz’d to find so many do, considering how imprudently Men engage, the Motives they act by, and the very strange Conduct they observe throughout.

For pray, what do Men propose to themselves in Marriage? What Qualifications do they look after in a Spouse? What will she bring? is the first Enquiry: How many Acres? Or how much ready Coin? Not that this is altogether an unnecessary Question, for Marriage without a Competency, that is, not only a bare Subsistence, but even a handsome and plentiful provision, according to the Quality and Circumstances of the Parties, is no very comfortable Condition. They who marry for Love, as they call it, find Time enough to repent their rash Folly, and are not long in being convinc’d, that whatever fine Speeches might be made in the Heat of Passion, there could be no _real Kindness_ between those who can agree to make each other miserable. But tho’ an Estate is to be consider’d, it should not be the _Main_, much less the only Consideration; for Happiness does not depend on Wealth; That may be wanting, and too often is, where This abounds. He who marries himself to a Fortune only, must expect no other Satisfaction than that can bring him; but let him not say that Marriage, but that his own covetous or prodigal Temper, has made him unhappy. What Joy has that Man in all his Plenty, who must either run from home to possess it, contrary to all the Rules of Justice, to the Laws of _GOD_ and Man, nay, even in Opposition to good Nature and good Breeding too, which some Men make more Account of than of all the rest; or else be forc’d to share it with a Woman whose Person or Temper is disagreeable, whose Presence is sufficient to sour all his Enjoyments, so that if he has any Remains of Religion or good Manners, he must suffer the Uneasiness of a continual Watch, to force himself to a constrain’d Civility?

Few Men have so much Goodness as to bring themselves to a Liking of what they loath’d, meerly because it is their Duty to like; on the contrary, when they marry with an Indifferency, to please their Friends or increase their Fortune, the Indifferency proceeds to an Aversion, and perhaps even the Kindness and Complaisance of the poor abus’d Wife, shall only serve to increase it. What follows then? There is no Content at home, so it is sought elsewhere, and the Fortune so unjustly got, is as carelesly squander’d; the Man takes a Loose, what should hinder him? He has all in his Hands, and Custom has almost taken off that small Restraint Reputation us’d to lay. The Wife finds too late what was the Idol the Man adored, which her Vanity, perhaps, or it may be the Commands and Importunities of Relations, would not let her see before; and now he has got That into his Possession, she must make Court to him for a little sorry Alimony out of her own Estate. If Discretion and Piety prevail upon her Passions, she sits down quietly contented with her Lot, seeks no Consolation in the Multitude of Adorers, since he whom only she desir’d to please, because it was her Duty to do so, will take no Delight in her Wit or Beauty: She follows no Diversion to allay her Grief, uses no Cordials to support her Spirit, that may sully her Vertue or bring a Cloud upon her Reputation; she makes no Appeals to the mis-judging Croud, hardly mentions her Misfortunes to her most intimate Acquaintance, nor lays a Load on her Husband to ease her self; but would, if it were possible, conceal his Crimes, though her Prudence and Vertue give him a thousand Reproaches without her Intention or Knowledge; and retiring from the World, she seeks a more solid Comfort than it can give her, taking Care to do nothing that Censoriousness, or even Malice it self can misconstrue to her Prejudice. Now she puts on all her Reserves, and thinks even innocent Liberties scarce allowable in her disconsolate State; she has other Business to mind: Nor does she in her Retirements reflect so much upon the Hand that administers this bitter Cup, as consider what is the best Use she can make of it. And thus indeed, Marriage, however unfortunate in other respects, becomes a very great Blessing to her. She might have been exposed to all the Temptations of a plentiful Fortune, have given up her self to Sloth and Luxury, and gone on at the common rate, even of the better Sort, in doing no Hurt, and as little Good: But now her kind Husband obliges her to _Consider_, and gives Opportunity to exercise her Vertue; he makes it necessary to withdraw from those Gaieties and Pleasures of Life, which do more Mischief under the Shew of Innocency, than they could if they appear’d attended with a Crime, discomposing and dissolving the Mind, and making it uncapable of any manner of Good, to be sure of any thing Great and Excellent. Silence and Solitude, the being forc’d from the ordinary Entertainments of her Station, may perhaps seem a desolate Condition at first, and we may allow her, poor weak Woman! to be somewhat shock’d at it, since even a wise and courageous Man perhaps would not keep his Ground. We would conceal (if we could) for the Honour of the Sex, Mens being baffled and dispirited by a smaller matter, were not the Instances too frequent and too notorious.

But a little Time wears off all the Uneasiness, and puts her in possession of Pleasures, which till now she has unkindly been kept a Stranger to. Affliction, the sincerest Friend, the frankest Monitor, the best Instructor, and indeed, the only useful School that Women are ever put to, rouzes her Understanding, opens her Eyes, fixes her Attention, and diffuses such a Light, such a Joy into her Mind, as not only Informs her better, but Entertains her more than ever her _Ruel_ did, though crouded by the Men of Wit. She now distinguishes between Truth and Appearances, between solid and apparent Good; has found out the Instability of all earthly Things, and won’t any more be deceived by relying on them; can discern who are the Flatterers of her Fortune, and who the Admirers and Encouragers of her Vertue; accounting it no little Blessing to be rid of those Leeches, who hung upon her only for their own Advantage. Now sober Thoughts succeed to Hurry and Impertinence, to Forms and Ceremony; she can secure her Time, and knows how to improve it; never truly a happy Woman till she came, in the Eye of the World, to be reckon’d Miserable.

Thus the Husband’s Vices may become an Occasion of the Wife’s Vertues, and his Neglect do her a more real Good than his Kindness could. But all injur’d Wives don’t behave themselves after this Fashion, nor can their Husbands justly expect it. With what Face can he blame her for following his Example, and being as extravagant on the one Hand, as he is on the other? Though she cannot justify her Excesses to _GOD_, to the World, nor to her Self, yet surely in respect of him they may admit of an Excuse. For to all the rest of his Absurdities, (for Vice is always unreasonable) he adds one more, who expects that Vertue from another which he won’t practise himself.

But suppose a Man does not marry for Money, though for one that does not, perhaps there are thousands that do; suppose he marries for Love, an Heroick Action, which makes a mighty Noise in the World, partly because of its Rarity, and partly in regard of its Extravagancy, what does his marrying for Love amount to? There’s no great Odds between his marrying for the Love of Money, or for the Love of Beauty; the Man does not act according to Reason in either Case, but is govern’d by irregular Appetites. But he loves her Wit perhaps, and this, you’ll say, is more Spiritual, more Refin’d: Not at all, if you examine it to the Bottom. For what is that which now a-days passes under the Name of Wit? A bitter and ill-natur’d Raillery, a pert Repartee, or a confident talking at all; and in such a multitude of Words, it’s Odds if something or other does not pass that is surprizing, though every Thing that surprizes does not please; some Things being wonder’d at for their Ugliness, as well as others for their Beauty. True Wit, durst one venture to describe it, is quite another Thing; it consists in such a Sprightliness of Imagination, such a Reach and Turn of Thought, so properly express’d, as strikes and pleases a judicious Taste. For though, as one says of Beauty, _’tis in no Face, but in the Lover’s Mind_, so it may be said of some sorts of Wit, it is not in him that speaks, but in the Imagination of his Hearer; yet doubtless there is a true Standard-Wit, which must be allow’d for such by every one who understands the Terms. I don’t say that they shall all _equally_ like it; and it is this Standard-wit that always pleases, the Spurious does so only for a Season.

Now what is it that strikes a judicious Taste? Not that, to be sure, which injures the Absent, or provokes the Company, which poisons the Mind under Pretence of entertaining it, proceeding from, or giving Countenance to false Notions, to dangerous and immoral Principles. Wit indeed is distinct from Judgment, but it is not contrary to it; ’tis rather its Handmaid, serving to awaken and fix the Attention, that so we may judge rightly. Whatever charms, does so because of its Regularity and Proportion; otherwise, though it is Extraordinary and out of the Way, it will only be star’d on like a Monster, but can never be lik’d. And tho’ a Thought is ever so fine and new, ever so well express’d, if it suits not with Decorum and good Manners, it is not just and fit, and therefore offends our Reason, and consequently has no real Charms, nor would afford us any Entertainment, if our Taste were not deprav’d.

But it must not be suppos’d that Womens Wit approaches those Heights which Men arrive at, or that they indulge those Liberties the other take. Decency lays greater Restraints on them, their Timorousness does them this one, and perhaps this only Piece of Service, it keeps them from breaking through these Restraints, and following their Masters and Guides in many of their daring and masculine Crimes. As the World goes, your Witty Men are usually distinguish’d by the Liberty they take with Religion, good Manners, or their Neighbours Reputation: But, _GOD_ be thank’d, it is not yet so bad, as that Women should form Cabals to propagate Atheism and Irreligion[1]. A Man then cannot hope to find a Woman whose Wit is of a Size with his, but when he doats on Wit, it is to be imagin’d he makes Choice of that which comes the nearest to his own.

Footnote 1:

_This was wrote in the Beginning of the present Century._

Thus, whether it be Wit or Beauty that a Man’s in Love with, there are no great Hopes of a lasting Happiness; Beauty, with all the Helps of Art, is of no long Date; the more it is help’d, the sooner it decays; and he, who only or chiefly chose for Beauty, will in a little Time find the same Reason for another Choice. Nor is that sort of Wit which he prefers, of a more sure Tenure; or allowing it to last, it will not always please. For that which has not a real Excellency and Value in it self, entertains no longer than that giddy Humour which recommended it to us holds; and when we can like on no just, or on very little Ground, ’tis certain a Dislike will arise, as lightly and as unaccountably. And it is not improbable that such a Husband may in a little Time, by ill Usage, provoke such a Wife to exercise her Wit, that is, her Spleen on him, and then it is not hard to guess how very agreeable it will be to him.

In a word, when we have reckon’d up how many look no further than the making of their Fortune, as they call it; who don’t so much as propose to themselves any Satisfaction in the Woman to whom they plight their Faith, seeking only to be Masters of her Estate, that so they may have Money enough to indulge all their irregular Appetites; who think they are as good as can be expected, if they are but, according to the fashionable Term, _Civil Husbands_; when we have taken the Number of your giddy Lovers, who are not more violent in their Passion than they are certain to repent of it; when to these you have added such as marry without any Thought at all, further than that it is the Custom of the World, what others have done before them, that the Family must be kept up, the antient Race preserv’d, and therefore their kind Parents and Guardians choose as they think convenient, without ever consulting the Young one’s Inclinations, who must be satisfied, or pretend so at least, upon Pain of their Displeasure, and that heavy Consequence of it, Forfeiture of their Estate: These set aside, I fear there will be but a small Remainder to marry out of better Considerations; and even amongst the Few that do, not one in a Hundred takes Care to deserve his Choice.

But do the Women never choose amiss? Are the Men only in Fault? That is not pretended; for he who will be just, must be forced to acknowledge, that neither Sex are always in the right. A Woman, indeed, can’t properly be said to Choose; all that is allow’d her, is to Refuse or Accept what is offer’d. And when we have made such reasonable Allowances as are due to the Sex, perhaps they may not appear so much in Fault as one would at first imagine, and a generous Spirit will find more Occasion to Pity, than to Reprove. But sure I transgress——it must not be suppos’d that the Ladies can do amiss! He is but an ill-bred Fellow who pretends that they need Amendment! They are, no doubt on’t, always in the right, and most of all when they take Pity on distressed Lovers! Whatever they _say_ carries an Authority that no Reason can resist, and all that they _do_ must needs be Exemplary! This is the Modish Language, nor is there a Man of Honour amongst the whole Tribe, that would not venture his Life, nay, and his Salvation too, in their Defence, if any but himself attempts to injure them. But I must ask Pardon if I can’t come up to these Heights, nor flatter them with the having no Faults, which is only a malicious Way of continuing and increasing their Mistakes.

Women, it’s true, ought to be treated with Civility; for since a little Ceremony and out-side Respect is all their Guard, all the Privilege that’s allow’d them, it were barbarous to deprive them of it; and because I would treat them civilly, I would not express my Civility at the usual rate. I would not, under Pretence of Honouring and paying a mighty Deference to the Ladies, call them Fools, or what’s worse, to their Faces; For what are all the fine Speeches and Submissions that are made, but an abusing them in a well-bred Way? She must be a Fool with a Witness, who can believe a Man, Proud and Vain as he is, will lay his boasted Authority, the Dignity and Prerogative of his Sex, one Moment at her Feet, but in Prospect of taking it up again to more Advantage; he may call himself her Slave a few Days, but it is only in order to make her his all the rest of his Life.

Indeed that mistaken Self-Love that reigns in the most of us, both Men and Women, that over-good Opinion we have of ourselves, and Desire that others should have of us, makes us swallow every Thing that looks like Respect, without examining how wide it is from what it appears to be. For nothing is in Truth a greater Outrage than Flattery and feign’d Submissions; the plain _English_ of which is this, “I have a very mean Opinion both of your Understanding and Vertue; you are Weak enough to be impos’d on, and Vain enough to snatch at the Bait I throw; there’s no Danger of your finding out my Meaning, or disappointing me of my Ends. I offer you _Incense_, ’tis true, but you are like to pay for’t, and to make me a Recompence for your Folly, in imagining I would give my self this Trouble, did I not hope, nay, were I not sure, to find my own Account in it. If for nothing else, you’ll serve at least as an Exercise of my Wit; and how much soever you swell with my Breath, ’tis I deserve the Praise for talking so well on so poor a Subject. We, who make the Idols, are the greater Deities; and as we set you up, so it is in our Power to reduce you to your first Obscurity, or to somewhat worse, to Contempt; you are therefore only on your good Behaviour, and are like to be no more than what we please to make you.” This is the Flatterer’s Language aside, this is the true Sense of his Heart, whatever his Grimace may be before the Company.

And if this be the true Meaning of honourable Courtship, what is meant by that Jargon, that Profusion of Love and Admiration which passes for Gallantry, when either of the Parties are married? Is it not the utmost Scurrility, in that it supposes she is, or that he hopes to make her, what good Manners forbids to name? And since he makes so free with the Lady’s Honour, can she afford him a civiller Answer, than what her Footman may deliver with a Crab-tree? But I correct my self,——this might be the Air of a haughty _Roman_ Prude; our _British_ Beauties are far more Gentle and Well-bred. And he who has the same Designs upon other Mens Relations, is sometimes so civil as to bear with the Outrages offer’d to his own.

Not but that ’tis possible, and sometimes Matter of Fact, to express our selves beyond the Truth in Praise of a Person, and yet not be guilty of Flattery; but then we must Think what we Say, and Mean what we Profess. We may be so blinded by some Passion or other, especially Love, which in Civil and Good-natur’d Persons is apt to exceed, as to believe some Persons more deserving than really they are, and to pay them greater Respect and Kindness than is in Strictness due to them. But this is not the present Case; for our fine Speech-makers doat too much on themselves to have any great Passion for another. Their Eyes are commonly too much fix’d on their own Excellencies, to view another’s good Qualities through a Magnifying-Glass; at least if ever they turn that End of the Perspective towards their Neighbours, ’tis only in Respect and Reference to themselves. They are their own Centres, they find a Disproportion in every Line that does not tend thither, and in the next Visit they make, you shall hear all the fine Things they had said, repeated to the new Object, and nothing remembred of the former but her Vanity, or something else as ridiculous, which serves for a Foil, or a Whet to Discourse. For let there be ever so many Wits in the Company, Conversation would languish, and they would be at a Loss, did not a little Censoriousness come in at a Need to help them.

Let us then treat the Ladies as civilly as may be, but let us not do it by Flattering them, but by endeavouring to make them such as may truly deserve our hearty Esteem and Kindness. Men ought really for their own Sakes, to do what in them lies to make Women Wise and Good, and then it might be hoped they themselves would effectually Study and Practice that Wisdom and Vertue they recommend to others. But so long as Men, even the best of them, who do not outrage the Women they pretend to adore, have base and unworthy Ends to serve, it is not to be expected that they should consent to such Methods as would certainly disappoint them. They would have their own Relations do well; it is their Interest: but it sometimes happens to be for their Turn that another Man’s should not, and then their Generosity fails them, and no Man is apter to find Fault with another’s dishonourable Actions, than he who is ready to do, or perhaps has done the same himself.

And as Men have little Reason to expect Happiness when they marry only for the Love of Money, Wit, or Beauty, as has been already shewn, so much less can a Woman expect a tolerable Life, when she goes upon these Considerations. Let the Business be carried as prudently as it can be on the Woman’s Side, a reasonable Man can’t deny that she has by much the harder Bargain: because she puts her self intirely into her Husband’s Power, and if the Matrimonial Yoke be grievous, neither Law nor Custom afford her that Redress which a Man obtains. He who has Sovereign Power does not value the Provocations of a Rebellious Subject; he knows how to subdue him with Ease, and will make himself obey’d: But Patience and Submission are the only Comforts that are left to a poor People, who groan under Tyranny, unless they are Strong enough to break the Yoke, to Depose and Abdicate, which, I doubt, would not be allow’d of here. For whatever may be said against Passive-Obedience in another Case, I suppose there’s no Man but likes it very well in this; how much soever Arbitrary Power may be dislik’d on a Throne, not _Milton_, nor _B. H—_, nor any of the Advocates of Resistance, would cry up Liberty to poor _Female Slaves_, or plead for the Lawfulness of Resisting a private Tyranny.