Chapter 10
MRS. H. Lie the first. I wish I knew a coarser word. Lie seems so ineffectual in your case. The fire has just died out and there is no fresh one? Think for a minute, Pip, if you care whether I despise you more than I do. Simply _Mafisch_, is it?
CAPT. G. Yes. (_Aside_.) I think I deserve this.
MRS. H. Lie number two. Before the next glass chokes you, tell me her name.
CAPT. G. (_Aside_.). I'll make her pay for dragging Minnie into the business! (_Aloud_.) Is it likely?
MRS. H. _Very_ likely if you thought that it would flatter your vanity. You'd cry my name on the house-tops to make people turn round.
CAPT. G. I wish I had. There would have been an end of this business.
MRS. H. Oh, no, there would not--And so you were going to be virtuous and _blase_, were you? To come to me and say: 'I've done with you. The incident is clo-osed.' I ought to be proud of having kept such a man so long.
CAPT. G. (_Aside_.) It only remains to pray for the end of the dinner. (_Aloud_.) You know what I think of myself.
MRS. H. As it's the only person in the world you ever _do_ think of, and as I know your mind thoroughly, I do. You want to get it all over and--Oh, I can't keep you back! And you're going--think of it, Pip--to throw me over for another woman. And you swore that all other women were--Pip, my Pip! She _can't_ care for you as I do. Believe me, she can't! Is it any one that I know?
CAPT. G. Thank Goodness it isn't. (_Aside_.) I expected a cyclone, but not an earthquake.
MRS. H. She _can't!_ Is there anything that I wouldn't do for you--or haven't done? And to think that I should take this trouble over you, knowing what you are! Do you despise me for it?
CAPT. G. (_Wiping his mouth to hide a smile_.) _Again?_ It's entirely a work of charity on your part.
MRS. H. Ahhh! But I have no right to resent it.--Is she better-looking than I? Who was it said--?
CAPT G. No--not that!
MRS. H. I'll be more merciful than you were. Don't you know that all women are alike?
CAPT. G. (_Aside._) Then this is the exception that proves the rule.
MRS. H. _All_ of them! I'll tell you anything you like. I will, upon my word! They only want the admiration--from anybody--no matter who--anybody! But there is always _one_ man that they care for more than any one else in the world, and would sacrifice all the others to. Oh, _do_ listen! I've kept the Vaynor man trotting after me like a poodle, and he believes that he is the only man I am interested in. I'll tell you what he said to me.
CAPT. G. Spare him. (_Aside._) I wonder what _his_ version is.
MRS. H. He's been waiting for me to look at him all through dinner. Shall I do it, and you can see what an idiot he looks?
CAPT. G. 'But what imports the nomination of this gentleman?'
MRS. H. Watch! (_Sends a glance to the Vaynor man, who tries vainly to combine a mouthful of ice pudding, a smirk of self-satisfaction, a glare of intense devotion, and the stolidity of a British dining countenance._)
CAPT. G. (_Critically._) He doesn't look pretty. Why didn't you wait till the spoon was out of his mouth?
MRS. H. To amuse you. She'll make an exhibition of you as I've made of him; and people will laugh at you. Oh, Pip, can't you see that? It's as plain as the noonday sun. You'll be trotted about and told lies, and made a fool of like the others. _I_ never made a fool of you, did I?
CAPT. G. (_Aside._) What a clever little woman it is!
MRS. H. Well, what have you to say?
CAPT. G. I feel better.
MRS. H. Yes, I suppose so, after I have come down to your level. I couldn't have done it if I hadn't cared for you so much. I have spoken the truth.
CAPT. G. It doesn't alter the situation.
MRS. H. (_Passionately._) Then she _has_ said that she cares for you! Don't believe her, Pip. It's a lie--as bad as yours to me!
CAPT. G. Ssssteady! I've a notion that a friend of yours is looking at you.
MRS. H. He! I _hate_ him. He introduced you to me.
CAPT. G. (_Aside._) And some people would like women to assist in making the laws. Introduction to imply condonement. (_Aloud._) Well, you see, if you can remember so far back as that, I couldn't, in common politeness, refuse the offer.
MRS. H. In common politeness! We have got beyond _that!_
CAPT. G. (_Aside._) Old ground means fresh trouble, (_Aloud._) On my honour--
MRS. H. Your _what?_ Ha, ha!
CAPT. G. Dishonour, then. She's not what you imagine. I meant to--
MRS. H. Don't tell me anything about her! She _won't_ care for you, and when you come back, after having made an exhibition of yourself, you'll find me occupied with--
CAPT. G. (_Insolently._) You couldn't while I am alive. (_Aside._) If that doesn't bring her pride to her rescue, nothing will.
MRS. H. (_Drawing herself up_). Couldn't do it? _I?_ (_Softening._) You're right. I don't believe I could--though you are what you are--a coward and a liar in grain.
CAPT. G. It doesn't hurt so much after your little lecture--with demonstrations.
MRS. H. One mass of vanity! Will nothing _ever_ touch you in this life? There must be a Hereafter if it's only for the benefit of---But you will have it all to yourself.
CAPT. G. (_Under his eyebrows._) Are you so certain of that?
MRS. H. I shall have had mine in this life; and it will serve me right.
CAPT. G. But the admiration that you insisted on so strongly a moment ago? (_Aside._) Oh, I _am_ a brute!
MRS. H. (_Fiercely._) Will _that_ console me for knowing that you will go to her with the same words, the same arguments, and the--the same pet names you used to me? And if she cares for you, you two will laugh over my story. Won't that be punishment heavy enough even for me--even for me?--And it's all useless. That's another punishment.
CAPT. G. (_Feebly._) Oh, come! I'm not so low as you think.
MRS. H. Not now, perhaps, but you will be. Oh, Pip, if a woman flatters your vanity, there's nothing on earth that you would not tell her; and no meanness that you would not do. Have I known you so long without knowing that?
CAPT. G. If you can trust me in nothing else--and I don't see why I should be trusted--you can count upon my holding my tongue.
MRS. H. If you denied everything you've said this evening and declared it was all in fun (_a long pause_), I'd trust you. Not otherwise. All I ask is, don't tell her my name. _Please_ don't. A man might forget: a woman never would. (_Looks up table and sees hostess beginning to collect eyes._) So it's all ended, through no fault of mine--Haven't I behaved beautifully? I've accepted your dismissal, and you managed it as cruelly as you could, and I have made you respect my sex, haven't I? (_Arranging gloves and fan._) I only pray that she'll know you some day as I know you now. I wouldn't be you then, for I think even your conceit will be hurt. I hope she'll pay you back the humiliation you've brought on me. I hope--No. I don't. I _can't_ give you up! I must have something to look forward to or I shall go crazy. When it's all over, come back to me, come back to me, and you'll find that you're my Pip still!
CAPT. G. (_Very clearly._) 'False move, and you pay for it. It's a girl!
MRS. H. (_Rising._) Then it _was_ true! They said--but I wouldn't insult you by asking. A girl! _I_ was a girl not very long ago. Be good to her, Pip. I daresay she believes in you.
_Goes out with an uncertain smile. He watches her through the door, and settles into a chair as the men redistribute themselves._
CAPT. G. Now, if there is any Power who looks after this world, will He kindly tell me what I have done? (_Reaching out for the claret, and half aloud._) What _have_ I done?
WITH ANY AMAZEMENT
And are not afraid with any amazement.--_Marriage service_.
SCENE.--_A bachelor's bedroom--toilet-table arranged with unnatural neatness_. CAPTAIN GADSBY _asleep and snoring heavily._ Time, 10.30 A. M.--_a glorious autumn day at Simla. Enter delicately_ CAPTAIN MAFFLIM of GADSBY'S regiment. Looks at sleeper, and shakes his head murmuring 'Poor Gaddy.' Performs violent fantasia with hair-brushes on chair-back.
CAPT. M. Wake up, my sleeping beauty! (_Roars_.)
'Uprouse ye, then, my merry merry men! It is our opening day! It is our opening da-ay!'
Gaddy, the little dicky-birds have been billing and cooing for ever so long; and I'm here!
CAPT. G. (_Sitting up and yawning_.) 'Mornin'. This is awf'ly good of you, old fellow. Most awf'ly good of you. 'Don't know what I should do without you. On my soul, I don't. 'Haven't slept a wink all night.
CAPT. M. I didn't get in till half-past eleven. 'Had a look at you then, and you seemed to be sleeping as soundly as a condemned criminal.
CAPT. G. Jack, if you want to make those disgustingly worn-out jokes, you'd better go away. (With _portentous gravity_.) It's the happiest day in my life.
CAPT. M. (Chuckling grimly.) Not by a very long chalk, my son. You're going through some of the most refined torture you've ever known. But be calm. I am with you. 'Shun! _Dress_!
CAPT. G. Eh! Wha-at?
CAPT. M. DO you suppose that you are your own master for the next twelve hours? If you _do_, of course---(_Makes for the door_.)
CAPT. G. No! For Goodness' sake, old man, don't do that! You'll see me through, won't you? I've been mugging up that beastly drill, and can't remember a line of it.
CAPT. M. (_Overhauling_ G's _uniform_.) Go and tub. Don't bother me. I'll give you ten minutes to dress in.
_Interval, filled by the noise as of one splashing in the bath-room_.
CAPT. G. (_Emerging from dressing-room_.) What time is it?
CAPT. M. Nearly eleven.
CAPT. G. Five hours more. O Lord!
CAPT. M. (_Aside_.) 'First sign of funk, that. 'Wonder if it's going to spread. (Aloud.) Come along to breakfast.
CAPT. G. I can't eat anything. I don't want any breakfast.
CAPT. M. (_Aside_.) So early! (_Aloud_.) Captain Gadsby, I _order_ you to eat breakfast, and a dashed good breakfast, too. None of your bridal airs and graces with me!
Leads G. _downstairs, and stands over him while he eats two chops_.
CAPT. G. (_Who has looked at his watch thrice in the last five minutes_.) What time is it?
CAPT. M. Time to come for a walk. Light up.
CAPT. G. I haven't smoked for ten days, and I won't _now_. (_Takes cheroot which M. has cut for him, and blows smoke through his nose luxuriously_.) We aren't going down the Mall, are we?
CAPT. M. (_Aside_.) They're all alike in these stages. (_Aloud_.) No, my Vestal. We're going along the quietest road we can find.
CAPT. G. Any chance of seeing Her?
CAPT. M. Innocent! No! Come along, and, if you want me for the final obsequies, don't cut my eye out with your stick.
CAPT. G. (_Spinning round_.) I say, isn't She the dearest creature that ever walked? What's the time? What comes after 'wilt thou take this woman'?
CAPT. M, You go for the ring. R'clect it'll be on the top of my right-hand little ringer, and just be careful how you draw it off, because I shall have the Verger's fees somewhere in my glove.
CAPT. G. (_Walking forward hastily_.) D---the Verger! Come along! It's past twelve and I haven't seen Her since yesterday evening. (Spinning round again.) She's an absolute angel, Jack, and She's a dashed deal too good for me. Look here, does She come up the aisle on my arm, or how?
CAPT. M. If I thought that there was the least chance of your remembering anything for two consecutive minutes, I'd tell you. Stop passaging about like that!
CAPT. G. (_Halting in the middle of the road_.) I say, Jack.
CAPT. M. Keep quiet for another ten minutes if you can, you lunatic; and _walk!_
_The two tramp at five miles an hour for fifteen minutes_.
CAPT. G. What's the time? How about that cursed wedding-cake and the slippers? They don't throw 'em about in church, do they?
CAPT. M. In-variably. The Padre leads off with his boots.
CAPT. G. Confound your silly soul! Don't make fun of me. I can't stand it, and I won't!
CAPT. M. (_Untroubled_.) So-ooo, old horse! You'll have to sleep for a couple of hours this afternoon.
CAPT. G. (_Spinning round_) I'm _not_ going to be treated like a dashed child. Understand that!
CAPT. M. (_Aside_) Nerves gone to fiddle-strings. What a day we're having! (_Tenderly putting his hand on G's. shoulder_) My David, how long have you known this Jonathan? Would I come up here to make a fool of you-after all these years?
CAPT. G. (_Penitently_.) I know, I know, Jack--but I'm as upset as I can be. Don't mind what I say. Just hear me run through the drill and see if I've got it all right:---
'To have and to hold for better or worse, as it was in the beginning, is now, and ever shall be, world without end, so help me God. Amen.'
CAPT. M. (_Suffocating with suppressed laughter_) Yes. That's about the gist of it. I'll prompt if you get into a hat.
CAPT. G. (_Earnestly_) Yes, you'll stick by me, Jack, won't you? I'm awf'ly happy, but I don't mind telling YOU that I'm in a blue funk!
CAPT. M. (_Gravely_) Are you? I should never have noticed it. You don't LOOK like it.
CAPT. G. Don't I? That's all right. (_Spinning round_.) On my soul and honour, Jack, She's the sweetest little angel that ever came down from the sky. There isn't a woman on earth fit to speak to Her.
CAPT. M. (_Aside_.) And this is old Gaddy! (_Aloud_.) Go on if it relieves you.
CAPT. G. You can laugh! That's all you wild asses of bachelors are fit for.
CAPT. M. (_Drawling_.) You never WOULD wait for the troop to come up. You aren't quite married yet, y' know.
CAPT. G. Ugh! That reminds me. I don't believe I shall be able to get into my boots. Let's go home and try 'em on! (_Hurries forward_.)
CAPT. M. 'Wouldn't be in _your_ shoes for anything that Asia has to offer.
CAPT. G. (_Spinning round_.) That just shows your hideous blackness of soul-your dense stupidity-your brutal narrow-mindedness. There's only one fault about you. You're the best of good fellows, and I don't know what I should have done without you, but-you aren't married. (_Wags his head gravely_.) Take a wife, Jack.
CAPT. M. (_With a face like a wall_.) Ya-as. Whose for choice?
CAPT. G. If you're going to be a blackguard, I'm going on--What's the time?
CAPT. M. (_Hums_.)---
'An' since 'twas very clear we drank only ginger-beer, Faith, there must ha'been some stingo in the ginger.'
Come back, you maniac. I'm going to take you home, and you're going to lie down.
CAPT. G. What on earth do I want to lie down for?
CAPT. M. Give me a light from your cheroot and see.
CAPT. G. (_Watching cheroot-butt quiver like a tuning-fork_.) Sweet state I'm in!
CAPT. M. You are. I'll get you a peg and you'll go to sleep.
_They return and M. compounds a four-finger peg_.
CAPT. G. O _bus! bus!_ It'll make me as drunk as an owl.
CAPT. M. Curious thing, 'twon't have the slightest effect on you. Drink it off, chuck yourself down there, and go to bye-bye.
CAPT. G. It's absurd. I shan't sleep. I _know_ I shan't!
_Falls into heavy doze at end of seven minutes_. CAPT. M. _watches him tenderly_.
CAPT. M. Poor old Gaddy! I've seen a few turned off before, but never one who went to the gallows in this condition. 'Can't tell how it affects 'em, though. It's the thoroughbreds that sweat when they're backed into double-harness.-And that's the man who went through the guns at Amdheran like a devil possessed of devils. (_Leans over_ G.) But this is worse than the guns, old pal--worse than the guns, isn't it? (_G. turns in his sleep, and M. touches him clumsily on the forehead_.) Poor, dear old Gaddy! Going like the rest of 'em-going like the rest of 'em---Friend that sticketh closer than a brother---eight years. Dashed bit of a slip of a girl-eight weeks! And-where's your friend? (_Smokes disconsolately till church clock strikes three_.)
CAPT. M. Up with you! Get into your kit.
CAPT. G. Already? Isn't it too soon? Hadn't I better have a shave?
CAPT. M. NO! You're all right. (_Aside_.) He'd chip his chin to pieces.
CAPT. G. What's the hurry?
CAPT. M. You've got to be there first.
CAPT. G. To be stared at?
CAPT. M. Exactly. You're part of the show. Where's the burnisher? Your spurs are in a shameful state.
CAPT. G. (_Gruffly_) Jack, I be damned if you shall do that for me.
CAPT. M. (_More gruffly._) Dry up and get dressed! If I choose to clean your spurs, you're under _my_ orders.
CAPT. G. _dresses_. M. _follows suit._
CAPT. M. (_Critically, walking round._) M'yes, you'll do. Only don't look so like a criminal. Ring, gloves, fees--that's all right for me. Let your moustache alone. Now, if the ponies are ready, we'll go.
CAPT. G. (_Nervously._) It's much too soon. Let's light up! Let's have a peg! Let's--
CAPT. M. Let's make bally asses of ourselves!
BELLS. (_Without._)--
'Good--peo--ple--all To prayers--we call.”
CAPT. M. There go the bells! Come on--unless you'd rather not. (_They ride off._)
BELLS.--
'We honour the King And Brides joy do bring-- Good tidings we tell, And ring the Dead's knell.'
CAPT. G. (_Dismounting at the door of the Church._) I say, aren't we much too soon? There are no end of people inside. I say, aren't we much too late? Stick by me, Jack! What the devil do I do?
CAPT. M. Strike an attitude at the head of the aisle and wait for Her. (G. _groans as_ M. _wheels him into position before three hundred eyes._)
CAPT. M. (_Imploringly._) Gaddy, if you love me, for pity's sake, for the Honour of the Regiment, stand up! Chuck yourself into your uniform! Look like a man! I've got to speak to the Padre a minute. (G. _breaks into a gentle perspiration._) If you wipe your face I'll _never_ be your best man again. Stand _up!_ (G. _trembles visibly._)
CAPT. M. (_Returning._) She's coming now. Look out when the music starts. There's the organ beginning to clack.
_Bride steps out of 'rickshaw at Church door._ G. _catches a glimpse of her and takes heart._
ORGAN.--
'The Voice that breathed o'er Eden, That earliest marriage day, The primal marriage-blessing, It hath not passed away.'
CAPT. M. (_Watching_ G.) By Jove! He _is_ looking well. 'Didn't think he had it in him.
CAPT. G. How long does this hymn go on for?
CAPT. M. It will be over directly. (_Anxiously._) Beginning to bleach and gulp? Hold on, Gaddy, and think o' the Regiment.
CAPT. G. (_Measuredly._) I say, there's a big brown lizard crawling up that wall.
CAPT. M. My Sainted Mother! The last stage of collapse!
_Bride comes up to left of altar, lifts her eyes once to_ G. _who is suddenly smitten mad._
CAPT. G. (_To himself again and again._) Little Featherweight's a woman--a woman! And I thought she was a little girl.
CAPT. M. (_In a whisper._) Form the halt--inward _wheel._
CAPT. G. _obeys mechanically and the ceremony proceeds._
PADRE. . . . only unto her as long as ye both shall live?
CAPT. G. (_His throat useless._) Ha-hmmm!
CAPT. M. Say you will or you won't. There's no second deal here.
_Bride gives response with perfect coolness, and is given away by the father._
CAPT. G. (_Thinking to show his learning._) Jack, give me away now, _quick!_
CAPT. M. You're given yourself away quite enough. Her _right_ hand, man! Repeat! Repeat! 'Theodore Philip.' Have you forgotten your own name?
CAPT. G. _stumbles through Affirmation, which Bride repeats without a tremor._
CAPT. M. Now the ring! Follow the Padre! Don't pull off my glove! Here it is! Great Cupid, he's found his voice!
G. _repeats Troth in a voice to be heard to the end of the Church and turns on his heel._
CAPT. M. (_Desperately._) Rein back! Back to your troop! 'Tisn't half legal yet.
PADRE. . . . joined together let no man put asunder.
CAPT. G. _paralysed with fear jibs after Blessing._
CAPT. M. (_Quickly._) On your own front--one length. Take her with you. I don't come. You've nothing to say. (CAPT. G. _jingles up to altar._)
CAPT. M. (_In a piercing rattle meant to be a whisper._) Kneel, you stiff-necked ruffian! Kneel!
PADRE. . . . whose daughters are ye so long as ye do well and are not afraid with any amazement.
CAPT. M. Dismiss! Break off! Left wheel! _All troop to vestry. They sign._
CAPT. M. Kiss Her, Gaddy.
CAPT. G. (_Rubbing the ink into his glove._) Eh! Wha--at?
CAPT. M. (_Taking one pace to Bride._) If you don't, I shall.
CAPT. G. (_Interposing an arm._) Not this journey!
_General kissing, in which_ CAPT. G. _is pursued by unknown female._
CAPT. G. (_Faintly to_ M.) This is Hades! Can I wipe my face now?
CAPT. M. My responsibility has ended. Better ask _Missis_ Gadsby.
CAPT. G. _winces as though shot and procession is Mendelssohned out of Church to house, where usual tortures take place over the wedding-cake._
CAPT. M. (_At table._) Up with you, Gaddy. They expect a speech.
CAPT. G. (_After three minutes' agony._) Ha-hmmm. (_Thunders of applause._)
CAPT. M. Doocid good, for a first attempt. Now go and change your kit while Mamma is weeping over--'the Missus.' (CAPT. G. _disappears._ CAPT. M. _starts up tearing his hair._) It's not _half_ legal. Where are the shoes? Get an _ayah._
AYAH. Missie Captain Sahib done gone _band karo_ all the _jutis._
CAPT. M. (_Brandishing scabbarded sword._) Woman, produce those shoes! Some one lend me a bread-knife. We mustn't crack Gaddy's head more than it is. (_Slices heel off white satin slipper and puts slipper up his sleeve._) Where is the Bride? (_To the company at large._) Be tender with that rice. It's a heathen custom. Give me the big bag.
_Bride slips out quietly into 'rickshaw and departs towards the sunset._
CAPT. M. (_In the open._) Stole away, by Jove! So much, the worse for Gaddy! Here he is. Now Gaddy, this'll be livelier than Amdheran! Where's your horse?
CAPT. G. (_Furiously, seeing that the women are out of earshot._) Where the ---- is my _Wife?_
CAPT. M. Half-way to Mahasu by this time. You'll have to ride like Young Lochinvar.
_Horse comes round on his hind legs; refuses to let G. handle him._
CAPT. G. Oh you will, will you? Get round, you brute-you hog-you beast! Get _round!_
_Wrenches horse's head over, nearly breaking lower jaw; swings himself into saddle, and sends home both spurs in the midst of a spattering gale of Best Patna._
CAPT. M. For your life and your love--ride, Gaddy!--And God bless you!
_Throws half a pound of rice at G., who disappears, bowed forward on the saddle, in a cloud of sunlit dust._
CAPT. M. I've lost old Gaddy. (_Lights cigarette and strolls off, singing absently_):--
'You may carve it on his tombstone, you may cut it on his card, That a young man married is a young man marred!'
MISS DEERCOURT. (_From her horse._) Really, Captain Mafflin! You are more plain spoken than polite!
CAPT. M. (_Aside._) They say marriage is like cholera. 'Wonder who'll be the next victim.
_White satin slipper slides from his sleeve and falls at his feet. Left wondering._
THE GARDEN OF EDEN
And ye shall be as--Gods!
SCENE.--_Thymy grass-plot at back of the Mahasu dak-bungalow, overlooking little wooded valley. On the left, glimpse of the Dead Forest of Fagoo; on the right, Simla Hills. In background, line of the Snows._ CAPTAIN GADSBY, _now three weeks a husband, is smoking the pipe of peace on a rug in the sunshine. Banjo and tobacco-pouch on rug. Overhead the Fagoo eagles._ MRS. G. _comes out of bungalow._
MRS. G. My husband!
CAPT. G. (_Lazily, with intense enjoyment._) Eh, wha-at? Say that again.
MRS. G. I've written to Mamma and told her that we shall be back on the 17th.
CAPT. G. Did you give her my love?
MRS. G. No, I kept all that for myself. (_Sitting down by his side._) I thought you wouldn't mind.
CAPT. G. (_With mock sternness._) I object awf'ly. How did you know that it was yours to keep?
MRS. G. I guessed, Phil.
CAPT. G. (_Rapturously._) _Lit-tle_ Featherweight!
MRS. G. I _won't_ be called those sporting pet names, bad boy.
CAPT. G. You'll be called anything I choose. Has it ever occurred to you, Madam, that you are my Wife?
MRS. G. It has. I haven't ceased wondering at it yet.