SCENE IV.--_An elegant apartment at the manor-house, lighted with

candleabras, &c. Folding doors at the back. Five tables with writing paper on each, and ten chairs; two tables on each side, one in the centre, with writing materials on it. A letter on pink paper lying on the first table, L._

_Enter NIGGLE, with MISS MEADOWS on his arm, C.D._

NIG. Well, here I am, and with a lady, according to the terms of my invitation. Oh, Miss Meadows, if I had not encountered you, I must have come here alone. We are the first pair that have arrived, I see. Oh, miss, I am a miserable man.

MISS MEA. Is your lady inexorable?

NIG. She is indeed. I brought her back in the chaise, but she sat up in a corner all the way, and never uttered a word. I have no hope now of ever being married! Will _you_ have me? Think of it, _do_--we _might_ be happy--and I'll make one more effort for matrimony, if I go from street to street, knock at every door, and ask if there is any lady within who would not object to marry a respectable, middle-aged gentleman--of amiable temper, great sensibility, and small fortune!

[_They sit at the front table on the L._

_CHESTER enters with MISS SNARE on his arm, C.D._

MISS SNA. How very strange there is no one to receive us. Ah, Mr. Niggle!

NIG. How is it that Boss is not with you?

MISS SNA. A little disagreement; and as this gentleman had called at my house, he politely offered to bring me here, as I expressed an anxiety to see our new neighbour.

[_They sit at the front table on the R._

_BOSS enters, with MISS COY on his arm, C.D._

NIG. There she is--inclined to marry Boss, no doubt.

MISS SNA. Surely he is not going to throw himself away on Miss Coy. _She_ can never appreciate him, I'm sure.

BOSS. _(To MISS COY.)_ Fortunate I called on you, as you were anxious to come.

MISS C. Pray conduct me to a seat.

[_BOSS conducts her to a chair at the second table on the R._

_DAMPER and MISS SKYLARK enter, arm-in-arm, back._

DAM. Oh! pretty well all arrived, eh? and everybody looking as miserable as they deserve to be! Well, who is it that has asked us here?

NIG. I don't know.

BOSS. Nor I.

DAM. _(To MISS SKYLARK.)_ Sit down.

MISS SKY. I will. _(Aside.)_ What an incorrigible brute it is!

[_They sit at the second table on the L._

_Enter PINKEY and MISS MACAW, arm-in-arm, C.D._

MISS SKY. Indeed! brings _her_ here--I was quite right to reject him!

DAM. _(Looking at MISS MACAW.)_ I wish she was my wife--I'd wring her heart for this!

PIN. How d'ye do, all of you? Now, my dear Miss Macaw, pray take a chair--I shall be distressed if I neglect any attention that you may look for!

MISS SKY. Dear me, how gallant--I'll coquet with Mr. Damper!

MISS MEA. 'Tis very strange that no one appears to receive us.

ALL. _(To each other, and with great coquetry.)_ Very, very strange! Don't you think so?

MISS MEA. What is this? A letter! and directed "From, the lady of the house to Mr. Pinkey." _(Taking up the pink letter on the table.)_

PIN. To me!

[_PINKEY rises in alarm, MISS MEADOWS hands him the letter._

PIN. _(Reading.)_ "From the lady of the house to----" Oh, dear, what can it be about?

BOSS. A love letter, perhaps.

ALL. Read it--read it!

PIN. _(Opens the letter and reads; they all rise and surround him.)_ "The lady of the house hearing that her new neighbours have formed attachments that only require a little decision and a good example to end in matrimony, has invited them to propose, that each person shall write on a slip of paper the name of the party that he or she could be most happy with for life, and where there may be a mutuality to marry accordingly.

ALL. How strange--how odd!

NIG. Hush! Go on.

ALL. Go on.

PIN. _(Continuing.)_ "When the selections are made and announced, let each gentleman fall gallantly on his knee to the object of his choice, and at that moment the lady of the house will appear." There, now, what's to be done?

NIG. The lady's command must of course be obeyed!

ALL. Certainly--certainly.

DAM. Aha! Aha! Now Hymen's torch is indeed blazing away in the midst of us. Burn your wings, ye infatuated moths, do! Bob blindly into the flame, and experience all the agonies I have long pictured to you--I'll set you the example! Here--here is paper--pens too! Write--write--and seal your miseries!

[_DAMPER goes to the centre table, and supplies the group with writing paper; they take pens, go to the tables where they were before seated, and write, looking towards the object of their choice._

DAM. Have you done?

ALL. Yes, yes.

DAM. Place your papers on this table--the women by _themselves_, the gentlemen by _themselves_--I'll officiate as parish clerk and publish what banns I may!

[_The ladies place their papers on one side of the centre table--the gentlemen on the other. All retire to their places._

DAM. _(At the table.)_ Silence! _(He selects two papers.)_ "John Niggle, Caroline Coy." Now for Caroline Coy--the choice is mutual--'tis John Niggle. Are you agreed?

NIG. Do you relent? Am I to be so happy? I cannot fluctuate now--forgive me--say but the word, and I am in your arms!

MISS C. As I have received a promise of help in my difficulties, I can't refuse you!

DAM. Miserable being, go to your lady!

NIG. _(Running to MISS COY and embracing her.)_ Happy man that I am, how can I express my joy?

MISS C. By your silence.

[_DAMPER selects two other slips._

DAM. "Narcissus Boss, Sarah Snare." The lady's choice is fixed upon the same gentleman. Are you agreed?

BOSS. Do you forgive me?

DAM. What has he done?

MISS SNA. If I must confess, he attempted to salute me, before making a formal declaration!

ALL. Oh, Boss, for shame!

BOSS. Upon my life 'twas a mere grateful impulse.

MISS SNA. All the improprieties of life are impulses.

DAM. Make up your mind at once--Boss lives upon flattery, and Miss wants a husband--you can't be better paired! Infatuated man, go to your lady!

[_BOSS crosses to MISS SNARE and kisses her hand--DAMPER selects two more papers._

DAM. _(Reading.)_ "Peter Pinkey could be happy for life with Miss Skylark"--miss ditto, with ditto gentleman.

NIG. Come Pinkey, speak out--the dumb would find words at such a moment!

PIN. Oh, bless you, I have been finding too many words--I said all that was necessary, but was rejected!

MISS SKY. Because you had proposed to another.

PIN. Upon my honor it was a mistake. In a bewildered moment I _did_ do so; but I thought it was to you!

MISS SKY. _(Looking at MISS MACAW.)_ It is not a very hard matter to believe you!

DAM. Silly boy, go to your choice. You're young--there's a fine long life of wretchedness in store for _you!_

PIN. _(Running to her.)_ What do you say?

MISS SKY. _(Singing.)_ "No more by sorrow chased my heart."

DAM. Silence, woman! _(Reading papers.)_ "Charles Chester, Jessy Meadows." Miss Meadows is of the same opinion.

CHE. Will you take your poor artist?

MISS MEA. I am sorry that you have deceived me--I would rather that you were the humble being you first professed you were----

CHE. You shall yet have your wish. To please you I will even consent to be poor. _(To MISS COY.)_ Aunt Caroline!

NIG. Aunt Caroline! Are you her nephew?

CHE. I am, sir. At the hazard of her own happiness, almost at the risk of her good name, she kept a secret that I required of her--I made a promise a short time since that I would replace the income she has been deprived of by her agent, and I _will_ do so; therefore, sir, _(To NIGGLE.)_ you do not marry a penniless woman, whilst I by impoverishing myself, gratify the object of my choice!

DAM. Madman! go take your fate by the hand, and commence your sad career!

[_CHESTER crosses to MISS MEADOWS--DAMPER reads the last papers._

ALL. The last couple--now for the last couple!

DAM. "David Damper, Maria Macaw--Maria Macaw, David Damper." Eh, what d'ye think of that? Come to me, fright! _(To MISS MACAW.)_

MISS MAC. _(Crossing to him.)_ Object! I obey you.

DAM. Now isn't it noble of us to form a marriage, for which none of you can guess the inducement?

ALL. _(But MISS MACAW.)_ Noble! noble!

DAM. You wonder what we can see in each other, don't you? Never mind--though we don't begin by thinking that we can't live asunder, we may not find out, as you will, that it is impossible to live together. We are united but for one object, to worry one another; and if we fail in that object, perhaps we may be the happiest couple amongst you.

MISS MAC. Nothing _can_ annoy me but one question; and that is being asked my age!

MISS MEA. Did he ever dare to put that question to you?

MISS MAC. He did.

ALL. Oh, shame!

DAM. Well, well, never mind, Miss Macaw--the older you grow, the more your beauties will become developed. You are like the great American Aloe, by the time you're a hundred years old, you'll be in full bloom! eh? Ha! ha! Now, down on our knees, poor wretches that we are!

[_All the gentlemen drop on one knee to their respective ladies._

DAM. Now--now for the mystery--now for the lady of the house! Where is she?

MISS MEA. Here, sir!

ALL. _(The gentlemen rising.)_ You!

CHE. You, Jessy!

MISS MEA. I am the lady of this house; and you, sir, have promised to marry the object of your aversion--an heiress. To avoid the importunities of heartless fortune-hunters, and in the hope to be loved for myself alone, I have resided at the cottage adjacent with my worthy relative in seclusion. Now you can comprehend my indignation, when I discovered that you were using the same means that I had selected, to gain my future happiness.

CHE. And you _shall_ be happy, if my affection can make you so. I have seen the errors of married men, and will avoid them; you shall be treated with that attention that you are entitled to demand. I will neither harrass you with ill-temper, render you miserable by dissipation, nor insult you by slighting your society; but strive with all my heart to make you as happy as I am sure you deserve to be.

DAM. Oh, mighty fine, mighty fine--you'll tell a different story in a few months! Oh! what an unhappy set of wretches we shall all be shortly!

Listen while I your miseries rehearse, Prose can't express them, I must speak in verse!

MISS COY.

Pray hold your tongue--_your_ arguments can't shake us, 'Tis time for troubles when they overtake us; Those who meet coming miseries half way, Deserve to have them----

NIGGLE.

That I've tried to say A dozen times when I have been debating Whether to wed or not----

MISS MEADOWS.

Your fluctuating Is over now; for lo! a happy bride Is wooed and won, and smiling by your side!

DAMPER.

Poor wretch! anticipation strikes him mute!

MISS MACAW.

Dry your wet blanket do, ungenial brute! If _your_ cold bosom no warm spark inherits, Is this a time to damp their ardent spirits?

BOSS.

Oh! let him say his worst, he's harmless now--

MISS SNARE _to_ BOSS.

To _your_ decision every one must bow!

BOSS.

Dear soul, _my_ choice I never shall regret;

MISS SKYLARK, _(aside.)_

Self love and flattery ne'er quarrell'd yet! What say _you_, sir? _(To PINKEY.)_

PINKEY.

My lot in life is cast, Now I've the rubicon of popping past.

CHESTER.

I mean to prove, when passion may decline, That love and matrimony _can_ combine!

MISS SKYLARK _(singing)._

Then "Life let us cherish while yet the taper glows;"

DAMPER.

Pray stop that lady--let me have repose To point a moral. _(Advancing to the audience.)_ Ah! I see you two; Young man desist, you know not what you do; Take my advice, retract in time, forbear-- You're making love to that young woman there! Ah! you may look--he _is_, _his_ fate is clear, Unless he's warn'd by what he's witnessed here.

PINKEY, _interfering._

Hush! don't--it's delicate--like me, he may Have borne his love in silence many a day, And I've a question _(To the audience)_ I must pop to _you:_ I'm half ashamed, upon my life it's true; But will you, as I mean to take a wife, Forgive the errors of my Single Life?

THE END.

_Disposition of Characters._

(From R. to L.) BOSS. SNARE. COY. NIG. DAM. MAC. PIN. SKY. CHE. MEA.

"NASSAU STEAM PRESS," W. S. JOHNSON, NASSAU STREET, SOHO.

Transcriber's Note

This transcription is based on scanned images posted by the Internet Archive from a copy made available by the University of California:

archive.org/details/singlelifecomedy00buckrich

In general, the spelling, grammar and punctuation of the source text have been retained, and no attempt has been made to standardize inconsistencies of spelling. For example, the contraction of "cannot" is printed both as "can't" and "cant". In a few cases, minor adjustments were made to the formatting for the sake of consistency. In addition, in cases where the printed text was judged to have printing or typographical errors, the text was corrected.

The following changes were noted:

- pp. iii-iv: The punctuation and formatting of character and actor names has been standardized for consistency.

- p. iii: pink gloves, pink watch bibbon--Changed "bibbon" to "ribbon".

- p. iii: French gaiters and shoes, ound hat--Changed "ound" to "round".

- p. iv: _(2nd dress in the last scene._--Inserted a closing parenthesis after "_scene_."

- p. iv: T.E.L. third entrance left.--Inserted a comma after "entrance" for consistency.

- p. 10: Changed "abomi- able" to "abominable".

- p. 10: "Nobody coming to marry me, nobody coming to woo--wo--o--o--o--woo--o----Inserted a closing quotation mark at the end of the line.

- p. 14: and which _materiel_, I flatter myself, I possess _(Crossess to L.)_--Inserted a period after "possess" and changed "_Crossess_" to "_Crosses_".

- p. 18: Miss Kitt once more I've saved him.--Changed "Miss Kitt" to "Miss Kitty," based on the amount of space missing at the end of the line.

- p. 19: Miss Snare will be happy to hav--Changed "hav" to "have".

- p. 22: You are henceforth the mistress your own actions.--Inserted the word "of" after "mistress".

- p. 27: MISS. SNA. Poor fellow, how badly he must want a night's rest.--Deleted period after "MISS".

- p. 28: _(Singing.)_ "Seared and----Inserted a closing quotation mark at the end of the line.

- p. 29: MISS SYK. Have you invited him?--Changed "MISS SYK." to "MISS SKY.".

- p. 33: Ha! ha! Moral courage for matrimony,--Changed comma to a period.

- p. 35: Look at her, see how onfounded she is now.--Changed "onfounded" to "confounded".

- p. 36: thanks for your hosipitality and its happy results--Changed "hosipitality" to "hospitality".

- p. 38: I'ts all very singular.--"I'ts" changed to "It's".

- p. 39: to show him how right I am in all that said of the misery of the state.--Inserted the word "I" after "in all that".

- p. 41: And I undertake to be qually as rash in accepting you.--Changed "qually" to "equally".

- p. 45: No, sir! I have now done with with you--Deleted the second "with".

- p. 46: Mr. Niggle then wouid have been justified in supposing--Changed "wouid" to "would".

- p. 47-48: Here, here i the licence, dear, look at it--Changed "i" to "is".

- p. 49: step behind this. screen.--Deleted the period after "this".

- p. 49: PIN. Do all people step behind screens when they propose to marry.--Changed period to a question mark.

- p. 49: [_MISS SNARE, heard withou t_--Deleted the space between "_withou_" and "_t_" and inserted a period at the end.

- p. 49: _(Calling at the door)_.--Moved the period so that it is inside the parenthesis for consistency.

- p. 53: "From the lady of the house to---- Oh, dear, what can it be about?--Inserted a closing double quotation mark after "to----".

- p. 55: "Peter Pinkey could be happy for life with Miss Skylark--miss ditto, with ditto gentleman."--Moved the closing double quotation mark from after "gentleman" to after "Skylark".