SCENE III.--_A large room at MISS SNARE'S--In the S.E.R. is a

fire-place, mantle-piece, looking-glass, &c., complete; a fender before it bearing toast, crumpets, &c.; a table on the L., on which is a complete tea-service, urn, &c.--MISS SNARE is presiding at the tea-table--PINKEY and BOSS are handing the tea and toast--PINKEY is very nervous and confused--BOSS takes every opportunity of surveying himself in the glass--PINKEY'S chair is on the L. of the fire-place, that of BOSS on the R.--NIGGLE is next to PINKEY--DAMPER to NIGGLE--CHESTER to DAMPER--MISS SKYLARK near CHESTER--MISS MEADOWS behind the tea-table, facing the audience--MISS MACAW in front of it on the L.--All laughing as the scene is discovered._

DAM. _(Drinking tea.)_ Ah, you may laugh, it was a miraculous escape, he was within a hairs breadth of the noose; but I saved his neck for him.

MISS MAC. I wish you had tied yourself up in it instead. How I should rejoice to see you caught in the toils.

DAM. If you could be tied up with me, I should not care for my own torments, while I could behold yours.

PIN. _(Handing toast to NIGGLE, and speaking aside to him.)_ Oh! Such a climax to my attempt at a pop.

NIG. Did you try the speech?

PIN. Only half of it, I was cut short--tell you by and bye.

MISS SNA. Hand Miss Skylark some toast Mr. P. Put some coals on the fire, and bring me Mr. Damper's cup.

PIN. Yes, ma'am.

DAM. _(To CHESTER.)_ I did not expect the pleasure of meeting _you_ here, sir.

CHE. I am sure, to find you in the presence of ladies, is an event quite as unexpected by me.

MISS MAC. I dare say it is, sir.

MISS SNA. _(To CHESTER.)_ Do you intend permanently residing in this town?

CHE. I am undecided at present.

DAM. Intend to live with your _relation_, perhaps?

CHE. Sir!

DAM. _(To NIGGLE.)_ That was a home thrust. Observe how he avoids it.

MISS SNA. _(Loudly.)_ Coals, Mr. Pinkey, and you don't attend to Miss Skylark.

PIN. _(Jumping up.)_ Oh, I'd forgot.

[_PINKEY seizes the coal-scuttle, and, in his confusion, is about to empty its contents into MISS SKYLARK'S lap._

MISS SKY. _(Rising.)_ What are you doing, sir?

ALL. Mr. Pinkey!

PIN. _(Running to his chair.)_ I--I--don't know what I'm doing. I--want to go home. I'm a little out of sorts--and----

[_A loud knocking heard._

NIG. _(Starts.)_ That's very like her knock. Do you expect another visitor, Miss Snare?

MISS SNA. _(Rising, and going to F.E.L.)_ No I do not. _(Looking off.)_ It's a friend of your's, Mr. Niggle. Pray walk in, Miss Coy; pray walk in.

NIG. It is she.

DAM. Don't be alarmed, I am with you--don't be alarmed.

_Enter MISS CAROLINE COY, dressed in bridal white, F.E.L.; she enters in a dignified manner._

MISS COY. _(Courtesying round her.)_ Good afternoon. I am sorry to disturb you. So, all assembled, the entire force of my traducers in full array before me. I am delighted to meet you all.

NIG. I think she carries the calm dignity of innocence in her manner.

DAM. All artifice.

MISS COY. _(Seeing CHARLES.)_ _You_ here too?

CHE. _(Advancing to her, R.)_ Let them say what they will of you, my secret must be kept. If your intended possesses a real regard for you, it is not a mere tale of scandal that can turn him from you.

MISS COY. I am in such a fury--feel so insulted.

CHE. Then shower your wrath on their heads.

MISS COY. I shall not spare them, be assured. _(Sits.)_

DAM. _(To NIGGLE.)_ Whispering, you see--agreeing both to tell the same story.

MISS SNA. Tea, Miss Coy?

MISS COY. Presently, miss. Hem!

DAM. _(To NIGGLE.)_ Clearing her throat to begin.

NIG. If she plays upon my feelings I'm done for.

DAM. She is sure to try to do that--they _all_ try to do that.

MISS COY. You must be all well aware by this time, that I was about to be married to that fluctuating bachelor, Mr. Niggle, and, that the match is broken off, as much through the interference of his friend, as his want of the moral courage, necessary for so important an act as matrimony.

ALL. _(But DAMPER and NIGGLE.)_ Ha! ha! Moral courage for matrimony.

DAM. _(To NIGGLE.)_ Don't let them have the laugh against you. Speak out, speak out.

NIG. _(Rising.)_ I confess it has been a want of moral courage: for, long as I have pined for the joys of conjugal life, such is my universal admiration of the fair sex, that if I _have_ hesitated to pass my life in the society of _one_ female, 'twas in fear that I should discover some radical defect of temper or manner, that might disturb my notions of woman generally; and I rather prefer to admire you through the gay medium of fancy, than venture to take a peep at you through the pale optics of truth.

ALL. Hear! hear! hear!

MISS COY. And yet if you could find a woman that would be happy only in your presence, who would receive you with smiles and see you depart with tears, who would anticipate your every wish, be your companion, friend and comforter, you would cast aside your scruples and boldly dare the worst. I am but repeating your own words, once uttered to me.

DAM. Were you ever such an idiot as to say so much?

NIG. Yes, yes, it was in a tender moment.

PIN. On some autumn evening, eh?

MISS SKY. I think, sir, we had better commence a general election for the honor of possessing your hand. Let each candidate publish her list of pledges, and she that may exhibit one that could approach the nearest to your wishes, should be chosen as the representative of your conjugal happiness.

NIG. I am afraid the election once settled, as in other cases, many of the pledges would be forgotten; and a wife is a member that there is no unseating, let her disqualifications be ever so unconstitutional.

DAM. Hear! hear! hear!

PIN. Cheers from the opposition.

BOSS. Silence, Pinkey.

MISS COY. _(Rises.)_ I am here to vindicate my character, not to expostulate with you, sir. _(To NIGGLE.)_ Miss Snare.

MISS SNA. Madam.

MISS COY. You, in particular, have been making use of my name very freely.

MISS SNA. What have I said.

MISS COY. Said! The other evening at Mr. Tattle's, you said that my only motive for going to a watering place every summer, was for the purpose of riding a donkey, that the awkward paces of the animal might so set off my natural graces, that some wandering Lothario might be struck by them.

MISS SNA. I see nothing offensive in the remark.

BOSS. _(In his chair, F.E.R.)_ An elegant compliment _I_ think.

MISS COY. Don't talk to me, puppy. _(To BOSS.)_

BOSS. My dear Miss, I am sorry to see you so bitter, though I am not surprised at it. The superanuated beauty is ever the most acrimonious of old maids; as the finest Burgundy, when spoiled, produces the sharpest vinegar.

ALL. _(But NIGGLE.)_ Ha! ha! ha!

[_MISS SNARE kisses her hand to BOSS; he rises and looks at himself in the glass._

NIG. I cant allow this. Miss Coy's feelings shall not be trifled with.

MISS COY. Oh, sir, your championship is now too late, had it been exerted yesterday morning, this scene might have been spared. _(Sobbing.)_

NIG. She's crying: I can't see her cry. _(Rising.)_

DAM. _(Pulling him to his seat.)_ Sit down. All women can command tears.

MISS MAC. _(Rising and calling to DAMPER.)_ Oh! you brute. Oh! you brute.

MISS MEA. Aunt, pray keep your seat and your temper.

MISS COY. _(Recovering herself.)_ And you, Miss Skylark, you must make _your_ little additions to the tittle-tattle.

MISS SKY. I.

MISS COY. A female adventurer, am I? deep in debt, and only anxious for a husband to remove that burthen from my shoulders; that I loiter in shady lanes, and pretend to study botany as an excuse for solitary walks; that I practice attitudes, sighs, and simulate fainting to attract attention.

MISS SKY. Never said a thing of the sort, miss, and the consciousness that you have really been so ridiculous, has alone made you suppose such things to have been applied to you. _(She returns to her seat.)_

PIN. _(Advancing with great courage.)_ Oh, come, come, Miss, if that lady _has_ said that you were a botanist, and practice antics, I see no such harm in it.

MISS COY. You see, sir: what can it matter what you may see, sir?

PIN. Perhaps it don't; but it may matter what I can hear. Ah, you may look, I'll make _my_ little additions now, and then. I give you leave to turn all your vengeance on me, in lieu of attacking that lady. _(Pointing to MISS SKYLARK.)_ Very fine indeed, to sit here pretending not to know your own son.

DAM. Well said, Pinkey--excellent.

NIG. If the little monster insults her, I'll knock him down.

MISS COY. What does the lunatic mean?

PIN. It's not very often that I can say much, but when the fit is on me I can find words as fast as anybody, to express my meaning.

DAM. Express your strongest, Pinkey.

NIG. _(Striving to leave his seat, is kept back by DAMPER.)_ He shall not.

DAM. Sit down and hear all.

PIN. Now, ma'am, while I'm in the vein I'll have my say. You know that person there _(Pointing to CHESTER.)_ is your clandestine son, and if Mr. Niggle had been unfortunate enough to have fallen a victim to your wiley arts, he would have found himself, not only the surreptitious father-in-law of a full grown young man, but responsible for a budget of bills, from milliners, linen-drapers, wig-makers, butchers, and wine depóts--and--that's all.

DAM. And quite enough I think. Look at her, see how confounded she is now.

MISS COY. _(Falling into her chair.)_ Well, this is the _climax_ of scandal.

[_MISS MEADOWS rises and comes forward, followed by MISS MACAW._

MISS MEA. _(To MISS MACAW.)_ Pray let us leave the house.

CHE. _(Advancing and detaining her.)_ Are we never to meet again?

MISS MEA. Never, while so much mystery surrounds you.

MISS COY. _(To MISS MACAW.)_ A word with you, madam, if you please.

MISS MAC. With me?

MISS COY. If that gentleman _is_ so closely related to me a reported, it becomes my positive duty to warn him against forming any connection with you, madam, and your supposed niece, there.

MISS MAC. What may you have to warn him against?

MISS COY. (R.) Look at the "Weekly Tell-tale," you are drawn there in your true colors. A run-away Opera dancer, and an insolvent boarding-house keeper, are not the most desirable connexions for any young bachelor.

MISS MAC. (C.) Pray, madam, which may I be; the dancer or the housekeeper?

MISS COY. Whichever you prefer, madam.

MISS MAC. Oh! the villiany of the world. This, sir, must be some of _your_ malice. _(To DAMPER.)_

DAM. No, no, I wish it was.

CHE. _(To MISS MEADOWS.)_ There, now we are both surrounded by mystery.

MISS MEA. A greater reason than ever that we part.

CHE. A greater reason than ever that we should be the defenders of one another. Let slander do its worst--I repeat it aloud--let slander do its worst; for then is the time that we should surround our friends and defeat its malice. Then is the hour that the lover should be the more devoted; and, I here prove my devotion, by proclaiming before you all, that, let these ladies be under the worst of imputations, I am proud of the friendship of one, and shall be but too happy, to test my love for the other, by being her husband as soon as she will bestow upon me that happy title.

MISS MEA. Ah! do I find myself surpassed in generosity; then, indeed, we are friends once more. _(Giving him her hand.)_

CHE. (L.) There you fluctuating bachelor, _(To NIGGLE.)_ when you wish to prove your affection, listen not to every idle tale, shrink at every paltry inuendo; but advance to the rescue of your ladies fame. Come, Miss Macaw, never heed slanderers, the ripest and the richest fruit is ever the most pecked. _(Taking the arms of MISS MACAW and MISS MEADOWS in his own.)_ Come, ladies, I will accompany you home. Mother! _(To MISS COY.)_ since they will have it so, when you have fought your good fight, you know where to find me. Come, ladies; Miss Snare, good evening to you, thanks for your hospitality and its happy results.

[_Exeunt with MISS MACAW and MISS MEADOWS._

NIG. He's right, he's right, this is the time that I ought to prove my love, if I have any.

DAM. You _will_ rush into danger.

NIG. _(Passing DAMPER.)_ Oh, Miss Coy, whoever that young man may be, his sentiments do honour to his heart. I have been weak, but----

MISS COY. Nay, sir, your penitence is useless now, circumstances have occurred since yesterday, that make the division between us wider than ever.

NIG. What circumstances?

MISS COY. There is no necessity for explanation; you are free to rove where you will, and may the next confiding creature that accepts your proposal be more fortunate than I have been. _(Going.)_

NIG. Nay, nay, don't go, dear, don't go. Damper, I must be married: think of the delights of a domestic temple of repose--a cheerful wife.

MISS COY. Ah, sir, strike the balance between celibacy and matrimony, I will assist you. Go on, sir,--a cheerful wife----

NIG. Angelic!

DAM. Sometimes cross as the devil.

NIG. Ah, true!

MISS COY. Dear, rosy children welcoming your return home.

NIG. Ah, delightful!

DAM. To plague and torment you with their noise, and their screaming and fighting all the time you are there.

NIG. Ah, true!

MISS COY. To find every comfort that can make life endurable.

NIG. Oh, charming!

DAM. With heavy bills for their enjoyment, every week.

NIG. Ah, true!

MISS COY. (R.) To look round you, and say, this house is my paradise.

NIG. (C.) Oh, happiness!

DAM. (L.) Till some one runs away with your wife.

NIG. Oh, Lord! There's all my courage gone at once. No, I never shall get married.

MISS COY. Remain then as you are, sir, a melancholy bachelor. Be guided by your friend, sir, do; be guided by a man that supposes he has formed a perfect acquaintance with our sex, when the creature never had a female friend that confided her heart's feelings to him in all his life. Go, sir. Enjoy your freedom; _(Crosses to L.)_ but abandon all hope of me, for an obstacle to our union, now exists, that cannot be removed.

[_Exit F.E.L._

NIG. _(To DAMPER.)_ I don't know whether to regard you as my good or my evil genius; but, whichever you are, I must follow her.

DAM. Don't be weak.

NIG. What is the obstacle that for ever prevents our union?

DAM. _Me_, I dare say; yet, whatever it may be, don't seek to know--be ignorant and be blest.

NIG. I must, I will know; such is the perversity of human nature, that now I have lost all hope of being a married man, I have a greater longing than ever for the name. I _will_ follow her and learn the obstacle.

DAM. Stay where you are.

NIG. I can't. I feel that I can't.

DAM. Then I'll go with you.

NIG. You had better not.

DAM. I will.

NIG. You had better not.

DAM. I will.

[_NIGGLE runs off, F.E.L.; DAMPER follows. MISS SNARE and BOSS have been flirting during the foregoing dialogue. PINKEY has kept his seat near the fire, not daring to move, as MISS SKYLARK has been constantly regarding him._

MISS SNA. What an extraordinary series of events, for one afternoon, and no learning who or what Miss Macaw and her neice are.

BOSS. Or their gentleman either. It's all very singular. Pinkey, my man, we are going to give you another opportunity; profit by it.

PIN. Oh, don't leave me, pray don't.

BOSS. Try again, man; try again.

MISS SNA. And avoid copying letters.

PIN. Oh! those letters.

MISS SNA. Now, Mr. Boss, will you step and look at my little parterre?

BOSS. Really, I'm no _florist_.

MISS SNA. But you always make some valuable observation, whatever you may be regarding--you can't help it--your natural good taste is so prevailing.

BOSS. Do you think so, really?

MISS SNA. Sincerely I do.

BOSS. Upon my life you are a very agreeable creature.

MISS SNA. It requires little effort to be agreeable where you are.

BOSS. 'Pon my honour, you'll make me actually in love--

MISS SNA. Ah!

BOSS. With myself.

MISS SNA. Oh!

[_Exeunt MISS SNARE and BOSS; PINKEY rises, and makes an effort to run out of the room; MISS SKYLARK rises._

MISS SKY. I am sorry to see you so embarrassed, Mr. Pinkey; the indignation that I expressed this afternoon when I returned your letters, has been entirely removed by your generous conduct in defending me. Don't attempt to speak just now; because I know you can't if you were to try. Think of what I have said; but pray avoid my presence till you have acquired sufficient courage to express your wishes. Good evening, I leave you like--_(Singing.)_

"The last rose of summer Left blooming alone; Whose lovely companions Are faded and gone."

[_Exit._

PIN. _(Rising with energy.)_ I must and I will shake off my shyness. What can I do? I'll run home and try what a bottle or two of port--or sherry--or a bottle of each will do for me. I cannot live this life, it's killing me by inches. Oh! she's coming back--I will make a desperate rush--a kind of despair seems to fill my heart that gives me a sort of courage; and, if it isn't of the right sort, it may answer just as well. I wont wait to look at her, that always does for me--I wont wait to think--I'll only say--"Will you be mine." Then if she says "Yes," there's an end of the matter. No more speeches--all rubbish--a few words--short and to the point, that's the way--I know it--I feel it.

_MISS MACAW enters F.E.L.; PINKEY'S back is towards her._

MISS MAC. I've left my reticule.

[_PINKEY rushes towards her and falls on both his knees._

PIN. Will you be mine?

MISS MAC. _(Boxing his ears.)_ That's for your impertinence, sir.

PIN. It's the wrong woman, and all my courage has been thrown away. I'll really beg----

MISS MAC. How dare you, sir?

PIN. I didn't know.

MISS MAC. Have I ever encouraged you?

PIN. No, no, you never did.

MISS MAC. Begone, contemptible creature. _(Stamps her foot; PINKEY runs off in alarm, L.)_ A little presumptuous mortal, to dare to take such a liberty. Where's my reticule? _(Searching the chairs.)_

DAM. _(Without.)_ Oh, here, is she?

_Enter DAMPER, F.E.L._

DAM. I've made up my mind now, what to do. He will not be guided by me any longer, he _will_ rush to his ruin; but I'll first get married myself, to show him how right I am in all that I said of the misery of the state. Miss Maria Macaw.

MISS MAC. Sir.

DAM. I have been looking for you. Sit down.

MISS MAC. I sha'n't.

DAM. I want to tell you something.

MISS MAC. Well, sir, tell it.

DAM. I hate you.

[_They sit._

MISS MAC. Well, sir, and I hate you.

DAM. Then we ought to be married.

MISS MAC. What?

DAM. I say we ought to be married; because we shall begin at the right end. All the rest of the world begin with love and finish with hating. We will be wiser--begin with hate and perhaps--I say perhaps end with love. I mean what I say--I have a motive for what I am saying. Do you hate me heartily enough to marry me?

MISS MAC. I do, sir.

DAM. You can't endure me?

MISS MAC. I think you a most hateful person.

DAM. You, to me, are a perfect Gorgon.

MISS MAC. I'm very happy to hear it.

DAM. And if we do come together, we'll strive all in our power to make each other miserable.

MISS MAC. I'll do my best, be assured.

DAM. Thwart each other in every thing.

MISS MAC. If you want to walk, I'll insist upon riding.

DAM. Agreed!

MISS MAC. When you want to be silent, I'll talk you to death.

DAM. Agreed!

MISS MAC. And annoy you night and day in every possible manner--think of nothing else----

DAM. Excellent!

MISS MAC. Study nothing else.

DAM. Delicious! There's my hand, whatever you are--whoever you may be--whatever your character, there's my hand.

MISS MAC. And there, sir, is mine. _(Presenting her hand.)_

DAM. Fright!

MISS MAC. Brute!

DAM. A kiss?

MISS MAC. No.

DAM. Yes. The first and the last.

MISS MAC. On that condition, there.

[_She presents her cheek; DAMPER kisses her._

_NIGGLE runs on and stands in amazement._

NIG. _(Exclaims in surprise.)_ Damper!

[_DAMPER and MISS MACAW sit looking at each other, with great ferocity, as the act drop descends._

END OF ACT II.