Part I. of this book, and do away with too great a variety of top and
over coats, neckties, patent leather shoes (for walking), and, above all, elaborately figured waistcoats, also elaborate canes. They all combine not only to appear extravagant, but destroy the effect of simple elegance. (_b_) Do not spend money for a thing unless it is necessary for your own good or that of a relation. Presents given by a single man should be simple and of slight cost.
If engaged the rule is less strict; but if married a man should not only teach himself the law of economy, but also his wife and children. Such gifts as candy, flowers, jewelry, etc., should be given only by very dear friends, which relation permits such presents to be of slight cost, while they are appreciated as if of great cost. Costly gifts to acquaintances are a gross extravagance.
3. Kissing is a pleasure which is not to be indulged in except among dear relatives, the family, wife, or your _fiancée_. Never kiss or embrace a person outside of these exceptions, no matter how old friends they may be. No lady would allow you such a privilege, and if she should so far forget her standing as to permit the act, you would be rude, exceedingly so, and no gentleman, to take advantage of her forgetfulness. Never, on any account, kiss or embrace the persons, as stated above, in a public place,—it is common. No one knows your relationship, and no one the length of time of separation; besides, the act of kissing is very undignified and ungraceful. Of course these rules only apply to gentlemen; they are not enforceable in respect to ladies, as the feminine sex is supposed to be more demonstrative. Familiarity, though allowed, breeds contempt by degrees.
4. Familiarity is a subject upon which the majority of society men can discourse fluently, so practised are they in the art. In fact, society is infected with this disease. It reigns on all occasions, be they private or public. It is found in the most aristocratic circles, as in those of less refinement. Why should this continue? It should not. Both ladies and gentlemen use it; but of gentlemen, alone, I now speak. Freedom of speech and freedom of manner constitute the general heads of familiarity. (_a_) Freedom of manner has been partly defined under the heads of kissing and embracing. Do not on any account allow of any rude actions on your part; always keep a polite distance from a lady, and do not, if you take her hand, retain too long a hold thereof, or press it with your own; in fact, never touch a lady unless she is related to you, under the heads set forth in Section 3, Personal Actions, unless it becomes absolutely necessary; then do it in the most polite manner possible. (_b_) Freedom of speech is the most important head of familiarity, and includes many classes of rudeness. Do not be impertinent in your remarks to ladies, ask no personal questions, do away with rude speech; seek not to impart to her that which she should not know, or tries to turn a deaf ear to. Improper remarks are poison from the tongue, and tend to ruin your reputation in her estimation, as a gentleman, sooner or later. It is no excuse if she tolerates your advances or not,—a gentleman is a gentleman, and should remain so. Not only is this rule applicable to acquaintances, but it should be strictly observed in your own family. Your sisters should be as acquaintances as respects your behavior, and your mother and father should command respect in your every word or action.
5. A gentleman, because he is married, should not suppose himself fitted for the position of chaperon on occasions where it is necessary to leave the city, or it is an evening affair; on the contrary, it is his duty to refuse acceptance of such a position, unless himself and wife act as the chaperons. If single, he should never offer his services as chaperon. He may be such in the daytime, within the city, acting as a guide or protector of his companion; but this is a very weak form of chaperonage compared to that customary in society, which form generally concerns only evening or out-of-town events, when a stricter rule is applied, under the conditions of which a gentleman can never be a chaperon. It must be remembered that though guide and protector are the true meanings of the word chaperon, yet, as far as a gentleman can exercise that right, he can be no more than an escort.
6. A gentleman should shake hands as seldom as possible. On introduction and at parting should be the chief occasions for the act. This rule refers only to your own sex. With ladies it is far stricter. You should not shake hands on introduction to ladies, nor at parting; but at the next meeting, or subsequent ones, if they appear desirous of such a cordial greeting, grasp their hand, for it is at the option of a lady whether or not the hands should come in contact with each other; but never shake at parting. When taking a lady’s hand, grasp it firmly, but gently, just sufficient pressure to convey the feeling of cordiality, nothing more, and raising her hand to the height of her waist, shake it gently two or three times, then release it; never hold it while speaking, and do not attempt that awkward, lately originated style of raising the hands above the face, with the fingers twisted out of shape; it is clumsy, decidedly ridiculous in appearance, and very uncomfortable for the lady.
7. Never kiss a lady’s hand when in public, and never privately, unless engaged or very much attached to her, and not then unless she is willing to undergo the torture.
Do not, as in hand-kissing, throw kisses to a person in public, and not at all unless under the conditions stated above.
8. When engaged a gentleman should devote all his spare moments to his _fiancée_. He should compel himself to forsake other ladies’ society, allowing himself to be thrown therein only when accompanying his intended to entertainments or dances, and then should control himself, so as to give no cause of jealousy by his actions or apparent interest in others of the fair sex. He should give all presents to her, take her to all the entertainments and dances, and, in fact, let her find him always devotion in everything. Clubs should be partially or wholly neglected for her. Even under the circumstances, familiarity should be guardedly exercised, especially with her family.
9. Introductions are the most important of any of the numerous acts of society, constituting a custom established by long and frequent usage. It is easy to introduce, no matter how or in what manner it is done, and ninety-nine per cent. of introductions are either improperly conducted or a mere mention of names. To constitute a proper introduction there must be three requisites, viz.: Sufficient language to imply an introduction, an objective name and a subjective name each distinctly pronounced. That is to say: the object is the person to whom the subject is presented; second, the subject of the introduction is the one whom you present. You must pronounce both names distinctly. First, be sure that both are aware of your intention and secure of each other’s attention, then proceed by saying: _(Ex.)_ “Miss Smith [object], please allow me to present Mr. Brown [subject].” This is all, and it is as simple as can be; yet people will mumble and stammer and stumble through an introduction as if it were the most difficult of performances. If the object or subject of an introduction is a sister, brother, or parent, do not say, as many do—Miss Smith, my brother, or my sister, naming the relation only; but say always—Miss Smith, my brother, Mr. Brown. This rule is in view of the fact that the introducer’s name is not always familiar to the object. Never mention the name of the subject first. When introducing extend the right or left hand as a gesture towards the person whom you are introducing.
It is important to make introductions carefully and at the proper time. Do not suffer a person with whom you are acquainted to remain in your own party without introducing him to every member of that party. When talking to a person, and joined by a third, immediately introduce. The rules of introduction should be strictly observed in regard to ladies. As much as possible avoid introducing on the street, and when doing so do not stop the objective persons, but join them as explained in Section 4, Actions Outdoors, whether lady or gentleman, and present the subject while walking. Do not introduce to young ladies under age without the chaperon’s or guardian’s consent, and ladies of age without their approval having first been received. Do not present or attempt to present a man of whose character or reputation you are doubtful; for thousands of serious results have been thus occasioned.
PROPOSING
A gentleman, when he is sure that his attachment to a lady has attained perfection, and is positive of being ever afterward so attached to her as to permit of no disturbance of that affection by force of circumstances, may then and only then have the right of asking for her hand in marriage. It is a much-mooted question whether a gentleman should ask the parents’ or guardian’s consent to the proposal, if the young lady or himself or both are under age. If we follow the continental rule, this is the proper action in the matter. This course is certainly more honorable. It matters not which parent is first consulted, though the father is preferred. The parent, or parents, or guardian may be consulted in person or by letter. After their consent has been gained, the proposal is made to the woman chosen. If she refuses, then nothing more on the subject need be said till subsequent proposals are attempted. A refusal need not be reported to the parents or guardians. If she accepts, he immediately informs them. If both parties are of age, or independent, it is not essential to a proposal that parents or guardians should be consulted.
HOW TO PROPOSE
Remember that you are a gentleman, and success will be yours if the lady possesses any love or affection in her heart for you. It is best not to force your suit upon a woman, for such engagements often cause either a breaking of the engagement between the parties, or unhappiness to both. It is far better to undergo the pain of a refusal for the time being, and endeavor to gain her affection afterward in view of another and more successful trial.
Never propose in any way but in person. Letters are very poor mediums of the affection; besides, a woman prefers personal tenders of affection. When you propose, never do so unless alone with the lady, either in-doors or out, but not in public, when promenading, driving, or riding, or on any occasion where she cannot give you her undivided attention.
A proposal is, next to a marriage, the most important event in a man’s life, and, if looked favorably upon by the woman, is such also in her life. Therefore take plenty of time to think over the seriousness of the step; consider how much interest the lady has previously shown in you, and the result to your feelings if refused.
If a lady appears uncertain in her answer, you can depend upon it that she is weighing in golden scales the results, the strength of her own affection; and, above all, you may justly and correctly construe that the greater cause of her hesitation is uncertainty of your regard for her, whether true of the heart, or falsely stated. For no woman cares to have a man know that she entertains affection for him unless she is confident he will appreciate it. Thus if it be not a positive refusal, but hesitation only, always be determined, and decide for her by describing the happiness that only you could furnish her. These arguments, if anything would avail, will help to strengthen and control her decision.
Always plead your cause with eyes and speech only. When accepted it is left to the option of the suitor as to what mode of procedure will best express his delight and happiness. But perhaps for those of timid and bashful nature it is advisable to suggest a standard course of action, viz.: when the lady replies affirmatively, immediately clasp her in your arms; this is not, for true lovers, a very embarrassing position. Let the embrace be gentle, simply to signify and give strength and proof of your affectionate expressions prior to the acceptance.
Always stand when proposing, as it lends dignity to the occasion and allows of more freedom in expressing the feelings; besides, it savors of very little earnestness to remain in any other attitude while making so important a confession.
Before proposing it would be best to ascertain how the lady regards you in any particular light. If she speaks favorably of any one of your fascinations, then on that foundation you may attempt to build your future happiness. Do not propose in an uncertain manner, bashfully, or yet too boldly. Be serious, desirous, and speak to the point; confess all your feelings, state everything correctly and truly, and in as telling language as you can possibly command. Do not laugh or smile, or cause it to appear an amusing matter. It would be utterly impossible to illustrate the language of proposals, for many and varied are the methods employed and the language used. But if a gentleman adheres to all I have stated on the subject, it will only be fate which will prevent the fulfilment of his anticipations. A gentleman never makes free with the lady, at the time of the acceptance, beyond the conditions stated herein. And from the moment she accepts him, through all her life he must be constant in his attention to her.
PRESENTS
Under the general head of presents is classed anything given to another at one’s own expense. Give presents to your own family, relatives, _fiancée_, or very old friends, but not to mere acquaintances.
SECTION 1. Flowers, though short-lived, are nevertheless the most beautiful gift one person can make to another. It shows taste and a love of nature, and nothing finds more appreciation in the hearts of womankind than flowers. Be careful in your selection; suit the color and quality to the taste and dress of the lady. Have them tastily laid in a box, loosely, if merely as a favor; but if for a dance or entertainment, the best way is to gather the flowers loosely half-way down the stems, and tie with ribbon harmonizing in color, placing at the end of the bouquet a bunch of leaves to hide the stems. Always send the flowers in a box; do not carry them to the lady yourself—if in a hurry, call a messenger. Flowers may be sent to any lady, married or maiden, but never send them as a wedding present. When desirous of sending flowers to a lady with whom you are about to attend an affair, first ascertain whether she desires to wear flowers, and the color of the gown she intends wearing. It is hardly the fashion nowadays to carry hand-bouquets; only loose flowers to be worn on the dress should be sent.
2. Jewelry should be given as seldom as possible outside of your own family, dear relatives, or _fiancée_. If given to others, it should be very small, cost little, and not be too elaborate; having merely enough beauty about it to convey the feeling and intention of the gift. A costly present of this class is seldom appreciated as it should be, unless it is given to a lady who stands, or intends to stand, in a very dear position towards you, or to a gentleman friend of long standing and sincere friendship. The only exception allowable for costly gifts of jewelry outside of those rules already stated is in cases of marriage; where the act of presentation of jewels would furnish no ground of suspicion further than extravagance. Whether for a wedding or an ordinary gift, jewelry should always be sent in a box from the store direct, or by messenger; never present it in person. And when calling subsequently refuse the acceptation of thanks.
3. For bon-bons and elaborate boxes, also for articles not classed as jewelry, a much more lenient rule is applied. In fact, except for mere acquaintances, a present of this kind may be given to any one, friend or relative, married or unmarried. These, too, are not to be delivered in person, but sent with card from store or by messenger. In such presents, as in others, taste and fine judgment should be exercised. To a gift of any kind whatsoever an answer should not be expected for three days.
4. Photographs should never be solicited from a mere acquaintance. Wait till you know a lady well before asking for her likeness. No gentleman should be allowed to possess, nor should he seek to possess, a lady’s picture without first having met her at least seven times. He must first so establish his friendship with her that when he asks for her likeness she cannot justly use the common expression that “he must have her photograph for fear he might forget her face,” but would understand that his desire for it comes straight from the heart, and not with the intention of adding to a variety collection. And it is also unnecessary to comply with a like request from the lady till of fast acquaintance. An exchange of photographs is generally the safest way of overcoming any doubt which may arise in your mind as to the disposition which the lady will make of your picture, for then the maxim can be applied—“It’s a poor rule which can’t work both ways.”
GENERAL POLITENESS
SECTION 1. A gentleman should always be perfectly polite with his social inferiors, no matter how he may be brought in contact with them, whether he meets them in company with his equals or inferiors, or if alone. For though your inferiors, they deserve respect, and a deviation from politeness on their account would cause your politeness towards equals to appear false, a shield to your true manner. Always be polite to your inferiors, and it naturally follows that you will be politeness itself with your equals. A gentleman has no superiors.
Politeness is called for in every turn a gentleman may make, whether among ladies or gentlemen, or inferiors, in society or in business, among relatives, acquaintances, friends, or strangers.
2. An insult is not to be recognized when offered by an inferior; pay no attention to such, unless it is followed by violence, or when it places you in an awkward position in presence of equals, and even then, if from one decidedly inferior, or a woman, do not return it, but summon the agents of the law to rid you of the nuisance. If an equal, it is at your own option whether or not you resent the insult, which can be done by the use of irony; thus, though an implied return of the insult, your resentment is on its face politeness itself. Duels are not allowable in America, and seldom in any country. A deadly insult is now usually looked upon by society as a just cause of expulsion of the insulter from its ranks, as no longer worthy of the name of gentleman; for modern society is more just than the society in the days of knighthood, when a gross insult would be looked upon with favor, as but a preliminary to a test of skill at arms. All the remedy a gentleman has in this age is either an apology from his opponent, or the future avoidance and non-recognition of him, or, in extreme cases, a resort to the law.
3. The most indifferent, collected, firm, and _blasé_ of society men are susceptible to embarrassments. No matter how sure you may be of being proof against them, there always comes a time when the firm foundation is undermined by a sudden inpour of unforeseen circumstances, which brings your guarded and fortified walls of conceit and coolness to earth, and tends to humble your pride. Now, many society men hold that a man should never become embarrassed under any circumstances. Not so; there are instances where to remain unmoved and indifferent to embarrassment would show an uncultured exercise of politeness. For example, how could a gentleman, having spoken to his companion of a third party in an insulting manner, refrain from embarrassment when that companion subsequently turns up and presents the third person, who thereupon reproaches him for his prior insinuation and insult? Yet in ninety-nine cases out of every hundred the gentle and polite society men remain unmoved and unembarrassed, making excuses and stating falsely. Yet they leave impressions of impoliteness and rudeness upon the minds of their victims. Suit the necessity of embarrassment to the occasion. Only if he has shown marked impoliteness or rudeness, or both, need a gentleman show concern subsequent to his remark or manner.
4. Temper is the last subject for discussion here; but it is not by any means the least in importance. In fact, if it were not for a proper control and exercise of temper, there would hardly be necessity for elucidating half the subjects already so defined. The temper should never be displayed under circumstances pertaining to society proper. That is, to your equals a tranquil nature and manner should always be shown, no matter how trying the position. To inferiors temper should not be shown while in sight or hearing of equals, and even when alone with servants or agents only in case of breach of duty, and then should merely be shown sufficiently far to make a reprimand more severe. In fact there are so many remedies for circumstances tending to rouse the temper that it should be done away with as a bad habit. When you do so far forget your politeness as to allow the temper to rise, be sure that it is not directed to a lady.
VISITING
A gentleman should as seldom as possible offer a regret for an invitation to visit, and when doing so must see that his excuse is a good one. Only business, traveling, and sickness are sufficiently strong causes of refusal. To offer a poor excuse is to cause a suspicion of a dislike on your part for the inviter, his or her family or home, or perhaps that you are too little interested in the whole affair to bother about visiting the person. Such poor excuses, though apparently sufficient in your judgment, not only appear weak to the inviters, but cause them to neglect you in the future in respect to visiting. Of course, if you are visiting or about to visit, an excuse to that effect is sufficient, provided you explain that the invitation you have accepted was received and acknowledged prior to the one which you are regretting. Your excuse, when a good one, should be strong, sincere, and regretfully expressed, and, above all, never hint that you will be at liberty for a visit later, or at some future date. There is such a thing as being too indifferent in a regret to an invitation, and also such a thing as showing in a regret too deep an interest or anxiety to accept. And this latter is bad enough without being accompanied by broad hints. If the first invitation was sincere and the inviter really desired your company, you may be sure a second attempt will be made and another invitation issued. When accepting an invitation, it is best to adhere strictly to your acceptation of the kindness and express such in sincere terms. Do not be too effusive, but to the point, for an acceptance is not a letter and should therefore be short and formal. If a regret, the rule may be reversed, as, not intending to visit, you are justified in substituting a letter, whereas acceptances are followed by the visit, and a lengthy epistle would be unnecessary.
After having accepted an invitation, be sure to take with you a sufficient supply of clothes for variety, and also that you may be prepared for emergencies or a prolongation of your visit. It is very rude and impolite to inquire in your note of acceptance as to the length of time of stay. You may depend upon it that no person having any knowledge of society would invite you for, at the most, more than a week, and if longer the inviter would acquaint you of the fact in the invitation. But for a week or less the inviter would neglect to mention any given time of stay. But it should be understood that at the close of the second day the visitor is to remark upon his departure as fixed for the following day; then if the host or hostess desire your presence for a longer period, they will express themselves to that effect. It is safer always to take one week’s supply of linen, in view of such an expression from them. Of course these rules only apply to formal invitations between friends of long standing, but who have been more or less separated, or friends of late acknowledgment, or perhaps, in rare instances, mere acquaintances, and have nothing whatever to do with fast friendship, where it would be absolutely impossible to govern the parties in their manner of recognizing and accepting or regretting invitations, and their actions subsequent to their arrival at the place of visitation. Such an invitation is controlled generally by the mutual acquiescence and approval of the parties, and is too informal to be considered under the head of formal customs.
Therefore to adhere strictly to the essential rules for a formal visitor:
A gentleman should make it a rule to be punctual to the time set for his arrival, be it morning, afternoon, or evening. When expected in the morning for breakfast, and the place of visit is out of town, if he arrives at his destination earlier than to his knowledge the family are accustomed to rise, then he should occupy himself in some way till it is time to put in an appearance, that he may be received by the host or hostess at a reasonable hour. The first duty of a visitor is to be punctual to breakfast every morning during his stay; and more too, he should never fail to precede the host or hostess or both (only these), that he may be thus prepared to receive them with the usual morning salutation. As to dinner, lunch, or supper, punctuality is not considered, as, being in company with his entertainer, it would be hardly possible for him to be dilatory.
A gentleman should never wear a dressing gown or slippers outside of his room, when visiting or otherwise. He should never enter the dining-room till the host or hostess, or both, have preceded him. Table manners are the same in visiting as at dinners at home and the like.
After any meal be careful not to appear uneasy or dissatisfied with the proceedings of your entertainer; and do not, no matter how great a desire you may have, express opinions upon any arrangements, or suggest any occupation for the consumption of time, without first being asked for your advice or opinion; for very often the host or hostess is led into doing that which but for your request, and the fact of your being a visitor, they would never have thought of or desired to do; so be careful always to control your desire to make suggestions. Let your conversation, manners, and actions be ruled substantially as in calling. Never remain astir after the host or hostess, or both, have retired, but ascend to your own room coincidently with them and retire immediately. During a visit a gentleman should acquiesce in everything requested of him by host or hostess, unless his opinion is called for, when he should, in deciding between his entertainers and others, speak freely but impartially; but if possible always decline the honor of judge.
Do not appear at ease or at home beyond the unembarrassed exercise of a visitor’s duties, for such freedom may tend to cause dislike for you as presuming on your liberties.
A gentleman should not visit unless he be prepared, in case of emergencies, for a request from the hostess, if the host is absent, or from both if the host is himself incapable, to act the part of table-host; and to do this he must be thoroughly versed in the art of carving and serving the viands, and in other ways demeaning himself as is essential to hosts.
In fact, in going on a visit a gentleman should be proficient in its many requirements. Such rules as are here laid down will be sufficient, and will not fail in leading him safely through the minor branches of politeness.
FINIS.