Part 1

SHORT AND SWEET.

A Comic Drama, IN ONE ACT.

BY ADOLPHUS CHARLES TROUGHTON, ESQ.,

AUTHOR OF "_Living too Fast_," "_Leading Strings_," "_Wooing in Jest and Loving in Earnest_," "_Vandyke Brown_," "_Shameful Behaviour_," _&c._

THOMAS HAILES LACY, 89, STRAND, (_Opposite Southampton Street, Covent Garden Market,_) LONDON.

SHORT AND SWEET.

_First performed at the Strand Theatre (under the Management of Mr. SWANBOROUGH, Sen.), on the 10th of October, 1861._

_Characters._

MR. SWEET (_of the Stock Exchange--a Friend of Short's_) Mr. J. ROGERS.

MR. SHORT (_of the same--a Friend of Sweet's_) Mr. CLARKE.

STEPHEN (_a Footman_) Mr. EDGE.

MRS. SWEET Miss BUFTON.

MRS. SHORT Miss CARSON.

MARIA (_Mrs. Sweet's Maid_) Miss TURTLE.

SCENE--Near the Crystal Palace. -----

_Costumes._

Mr. SWEET--_1st dress:_ morning dress. _2nd ditto:_ evening ditto.

Mr. SHORT--Ditto ditto ditto.

STEPHEN--Livery.

Mrs. SWEET--_1st dress:_ morning dress. _2nd ditto:_ riding habit, hat and feathers. _3rd ditto:_ evening dress.

Mrs. SHORT--Ditto ditto ditto.

MARIA--Smart muslin dress.

SHORT AND SWEET.

SCENE.--_Short and Sweet's Lodgings, near the Crystal Palace--a handsomely furnished Apartment, door, C.--backed by landing and staircase, doors, L. 1. E. and 2 E.--fireplace, L. in flat--looking glass over mantelpiece--vases and ornaments on mantelpiece--fender, fireirons, &c.--door, R. 2 E.--a large round table, R., laid for luncheon for four--chairs--an easy chair, L. of table--sofa against R. in flat--sideboard against L. in flat--a work table and chairs, L.--footstool near sofa._

_MRS. SWEET is seen, R., arranging the remains of a luncheon, from which she and MRS. SHORT are supposed to have just risen--MRS. SHORT sitting working at table, L._

MRS. SWEET. That tiresome husband of mine! What has he done with himself?

MRS. SHORT. Compose yourself, my dear; men of business, you know, are not always their own masters. _My_ good man, you see, has not found his way back yet.

MRS. SWEET. Ah, you quite spoil Mr. Short. You know we don't agree upon that subject. (_calls_) Come, come, William, come and take your lunch!

SWEET. (_within, R. door_) In one minute, my dear. I'm only just drying my hands.

MRS. SWEET. Vexatious! We shan't get the things cleared away all day.

_Enter MR. SWEET, door, R. 2 E._

SWEET. Sorry to keep you waiting--couldn't help it, upon my honour. Just as I was leaving the office, as the deuce would have it, in came a gentleman on business--large transfer of stock, &c. &c.--and so I lost the train. Never mind, there's plenty of time, so I'll just snap up a bit of something, and be ready in the crack of a whip. (_sit at table, R., and eats voraciously_)

MRS. SWEET. Why, how you are eating, William! One would think you hadn't tasted anything before to-day.

SWEET. Nor more I have--to speak of--I was so late this morning, that I was obliged to run away without my breakfast.

MRS. SHORT. Oh, Mr. Sweet, how can you say so? Why, I helped you to half a dozen kidneys, at least--there wasn't one left in the dish for Mr. Short, when he came down after you left.

MRS. SWEET. Ha, ha, ha!

SWEET. No--did you, though? My impression was I only took a cup of tea; (_eats voraciously_) but the fact is, I have so much upon my stomach--I mean upon my mind--in the way of business, that really these things make very little impression. However, hang business for to-day, at all events--we shall have a splendid afternoon for our ride--you'll enjoy it, I know, Mrs. Short, immensely.

MRS. SHORT. Oh, yes, that I shall of all things--I haven't been out for a ride once since my marriage, and I used to be such a horsewoman.

SWEET. No; Short don't like it, I know.

MRS. SWEET. I should like to see Mr. Short on horseback, amazingly--ha, ha!--since Gilpin's ride to Edmonton--ha, ha!

MRS. SHORT. Ha, ha, ha! (_checking herself_) And yet, though Henry is rather inclining to be stout, you must admit that he carries himself remarkably well.

SWEET. (_to MRS. SWEET_) Really, my dear, you are too severe upon Short.

MRS. SWEET. I beg your pardon, Louise, I'm sure--I'm such a simpleton, I must always laugh when I shouldn't--however, I think you had better make your arrangements independently of him, for although I don't want to be a wet blanket, I am convinced he won't go.

SWEET. No, no--I'll undertake to persuade him when he comes in. (_STEPHEN is seen to cross C. from R. to L._) Isn't that Stephen going down stairs? Here, Stephen.

_Enter STEPHEN, L. C._

Step over the way, to the livery stables, and tell them to send round the horses I chose on my way to town this morning--then go on to Mr. Billington's--my compliments, and we shall be happy to join him this afternoon for a ride, at the appointed time--two o'clock. Let's see, where did the note say we were to meet him?

MRS. SHORT. (_eagerly_) In front of the Crystal Palace.

SWEET. Ah, exactly--don't forget, Stephen--two o'clock precisely.

STEPH. Two o'clock, sir--yes, sir.

_Exit, L. C._

SWEET. (_rising and rubbing his hands_) Come, that's nicely arranged--we shall have a charming ride over to Dulwich, see the pictures, and get back in plenty of time to dress before we start to dine with Billington, and then with the box at the opera, which he has so politely presented us with, we shall have made out the day, in a very superior, and I think I may almost venture to say, aristocratic manner. Come ladies, make haste, get your habits on, or the horses will be here before you are ready, and you know I can't bear to be kept waiting.

MRS. SWEET. I like that vastly.

SWEET. What's the matter?

MRS. SWEET. You can't bear to be kept waiting! but you don't mind keeping other people waiting--then, too, I am to be ordered about at beck and call--everything arranged for me beforehand!--I think at least you might have enquired whether I felt _disposed_ to join you.

MRS. SHORT. Oh, I'm sure, Fanny----

SWEET. Why, my dear Mrs. Sweet, you heart the whole thing canvassed this morning between me and Mrs. Short, and you never made the smallest objection. Besides, haven't I only just made you a present of a magnificent riding habit--cost me ten pounds--and one of the most wicked little wide-awakes in the world, with a bunch of cock's feathers, all drooping over the crown! Come, now, you know you are dying to put them on.

MRS. SWEET. You think so, do you!

SWEET. Yes, to be sure I do--you know you're an arrant coquette.

MRS. SWEET. I sir!--a coquette.

SWEET. Ah! ah! didn't I surprise you trying your hat on fifty different ways before the glass this very morning--you are caught there, I think!

MRS. SWEET. It's not true! You did nothing of the sort! You're always saying something of this kind, and since these are the sentiments you entertain of me, I positively refuse to stir a foot with you--so you may go without me! (_doggedly seating herself_)

MRS. SHORT. (_eagerly_) Oh, Fanny!

SWEET. (_coaxingly_) Now, really my dear--you can't be in earnest.

MRS. SWEET. (_pettishly_) No, no, I won't go!--not an inch. (_crosses and sits, R._)

SWEET. Very well, Mrs. Sweet! very well! The old story! You haven't contradicted me before to-day, and so you think it is full time to begin. Was there ever such caprice? (_crosses to L._)

MRS. SHORT. (_anxiously persuading her_) My dear Fanny, now do be reasonable--you are not going to take offence without a cause?--a mere word in joke--Mr. Sweet was only in fun--were you, Mr. Sweet? After all Mr. Billington's politeness too, surely you'll go, it would seem so personal.

SWEET. To be sure! Insult a man like Billington! One of the first houses in the City! Most respectable delightful creature like Billington! Why, he keeps two carriages, a couple of saddle horses, and a buggy!

MRS. SHORT. Come now, Fanny, say you'll go.

SWEET. (_coaxingly_) Do! There's a ducky!

MRS. SWEET. Well, perhaps, I've been too hasty--say you didn't mean it, William.

SWEET. Oh no, my love--upon my honour I didn't mean it!

MRS. SWEET. Well, then, as Mr. Billington will be expecting us, I suppose I must go.

MRS. SHORT. Now, if my husband would but come.

MRS. SWEET. Oh, never mind him--if he is not in in time we'll go without him. Come, we haven't a minute to spare, the horses will be here directly.

_Exit MRS. SWEET, door, L. 2. E., and MRS. SHORT, door, L. 1. E._

SWEET. (_looking after them_) "We'll go without him!" Exactly! That's the way she carries it! if _I_ had been the absentee, and had only been a quarter of a minute behind time, she would go without _me_, as lieve as look at me--she treats me as if I had been married twenty years instead of half as many months. But all applies to Short, just as well as to me, and yet how he lords it over _his_ wife--she actually seems to doat upon him--fondles him--pats him, gives way to him--whereas Mrs. Sweet expresses her affection for me by snapping and snubbing, and constant contradiction. It's extraordinary, I never perceived it before we took these joint lodgings down here for the sake of being near the Crystal Palace, for if we did sometimes quarrel I always coaxed her into good temper again, but since I have witnessed Short's happiness I confess my eyes are opened to the different state of things existing in the two families, and I acknowledge that it irritates me! annoys me! for I begin to feel myself in a very false and ridiculous position! Oh, I must turn over a new leaf!--I really must! I wonder how Short does it, for he is nothing like so good-looking as I am--on the contrary, although he is my most particular friend, he's a confoundedly ugly fellow.

_Enter STEPHEN, L. 1 E._

STEPH. The horses are at the door, sir.

SWEET. Very well, get my whip.

_STEPHEN takes one off sofa, and gives it to SWEET, and exits, L. C._

SWEET. It's astonishing what an excitement I've worked myself into! (_lashing the air with his whip_) I hope my wife won't happen to come in just now, I am hardly safe to be trusted with this whip.

SHORT. (_outside_) Are the lunch things taken away? I am almost famished.

SWEET. There he is, happy man!

_Enter SHORT, door, L. C._

SHORT. (_speaking as he comes in_) Here, give me a chair! Give me a chair! I am tired to death--fussed and worried out of my life!

SWEET. Why, how late you are! We had almost given you up.

SHORT. You're a pretty fellow to complain--here have I been chasing about the city all day on any empty stomach--I can't neglect my business as you do, and then I'm to be told you had nearly given me up, forsooth. Here, Stephen, bring me up something or other to eat. Why you have hardly left a scrap upon the table--Stephen, some come meat! (_sits in easy chair, L. of table, R._)

SWEET. What, are you going to make a heavy luncheon at this hour of the day. I am surprised at that habit of yours, Short, I rarely take anything between breakfast and dinner.

SHORT. Nor more do I when I _get down first._ Who devoured the whole dish of kidneys, and left me nothing for my breakfast but half a round of cold toast? But, what's all that about outside? They're parading four horses up and down before the house--one great brute nearly ran over me as I was crossing the road.

SWEET. (_sits R. of table, L._) That's exactly what you said when you knocked down that Shetland pony in the Borough and trod upon it, and then came fainting into a pastrycook's shop, swearing you had been run over. What, didn't I tell you then that we are all going out for a ride?

SHORT. What do you mean by _all?_ _I_ am not going, I can tell you. Do you think, at my time of life, I would trust myself to the back of a horse from a livery stable? Why, when I was fifteen or twenty years younger, in my wildest days, I never permitted myself anything beyond a donkey on the sands at Ramsgate, and then only a quiet one. I never could bear a fiery donkey.

SWEET. Come now, you are not going to spoil sport--your wife has set her heart upon it. (_rises and goes to SHORT_)

SHORT. _My_ wife, Sweet, never sets her heart upon anything but what mine's set on too, so you may send back two of the horses, I promise you.

SWEET. Do you mean to say you are going to take this step without first consulting your wife?

SHORT. Of course, I am.

SWEET. What, on your own private authority, refuse Mrs. Short?

SHORT. Refuse! There will be no necessity for that--I shall just say _I don't go_, and she won't go either.

SWEET. (_imitating_) Oh, you'll just say "You don't go," and she won't go either, eh? (_aside_) Bluebeard! (_aloud_) Now really, Short, you are joking with me!

SHORT. You'll soon see whether I'm in earnest.

SWEET. What, do you mean to pretend that she'll give in without disputing the point--without a quarrel?

SHORT. Not the slightest--_my_ wife always does as I wish her.

SWEET. Oh, so does mine, so does mine, when we both wish alike. Come, I bet you five pounds she goes.

SHORT. Done! I tell you what it is, Sweet, when a woman once falls violently in love with a man there's no end to the influence he has over her.

SWEET. (_aside_) Conceited old hippopotamus! (_aloud_) You'll lose your money, depend upon it, _she'll_ not give way.

SHORT. Well we shall see about that, for here she comes.

_Enter MRS. SHORT, in hat and riding habit, through door, L. 1 E._

MRS. SHORT. Well, here you are, my dear, at last. (_with marked playfulness patting his cheek_) You naughty hubby to be so late. (_crosses to SHORT_)

SHORT. Yes, Loo, here I am, very tired, I can tell you, and ravenous for something to eat.

MRS. SHORT. Oh, dear, dear, what can I tell them to get you?

SHORT. Never mind, there is something coming--I have taken care of myself--but, bless my heart, Loo, how smart you are! Why, you look as if you were going to "ride a cock horse to Banbury Cross."

MRS. SHORT. (_timidly_) Fanny and Mr. Sweet have been proposing----

SHORT. A ride on horseback--yes, I know--quite a cavalcade. Sweet has been telling me. But shouldn't you have waited for my return before you gave your consent?

SWEET. (_aside_) What a terrible crime!

MRS. SHORT. Well, Henry, dear, I didn't think you would--

SHORT. You know, Louisa, I am not fond of equestrian exercise. I never even go to Astley's--but since you have been at the trouble of dressing yourself, why I suppose I mustn't disappoint Mrs. Sweet and her husband.

MRS. SHORT. (_pleased_) Thank you, Harry, that's kind.

SWEET. (_aside_) There's five pounds in my pocket.

SHORT. (_ill-humouredly_) At the same time, of course, it will be very dull and uncomfortable for me to be left all alone here while you are out pleasuring--just like you wives, you always think of yourselves first. (_with increasing ill humour_) But who the deuce was it put the idea into your head?

SWEET. Why, _I_ did, I believe: but to confess the truth, I should never have dreamt of the thing if it hadn't been for Mr.----

MRS. SHORT. (_alarmed, and checking SWEET_) No, no! Never mind--it's of no consequence--don't let us talk any more about it! (_she begins to pull off her gloves_)

SWEET. Why, Mrs. Short--what are you doing? (_rises_)

MRS. SHORT. I see my husband doesn't wish me to go, and I feel now it wouldn't be right to leave him; so, although he has given me _full permission_ to go, I shall not avail myself of his _kindness_----

SHORT. (_looking at SWEET_) A--hem!

SWEET. (_aside_) How on earth does he do it? What can be the nature of the influence? He must do something to her.

MRS. SHORT. Well, since I am not going, I may as well take off my things. (_to SWEET_) You'll explain matters to Fanny. (_aside_) What a fright he gave me! (_crossing_) Just as everything was arranged so nicely--how vexatious!

_Exit through door, L. 1 E._

SHORT. (_balancing himself, with his thumbs in his waistcoat, looking triumphantly at SWEET_) I told you so. Hand me over five pounds!

SWEET. (_taking out his purse and paying the money_) It isn't enough that I am to be made sensible that I'm not half such a happy man as you are, but I'm to pay for the conviction into the bargain! You're a sorcerer!

SHORT. No--the girl's devoted to me, that's all.

SWEET. Go along with you--don't tell me--it won't bear thinking about! Zounds, I shall become unhappy if I do--I won't stand it, Short! Hang me if go to Dulwich either--hang me if I do!--and yet that will be no punishment to Fanny, for she didn't wish to go herself.

SHORT. Pray don't let me prevent _your_ going.

_Enter STEPHEN, L. C., with cold meat._

(_to STEPHEN, L. C._) Come, what a time you've been. (_he sits down and begins to eat_)

SWEET. Stephen.

STEPHEN. Yes, sir.

SWEET. Tell the man to take back the horses to the stables, we are not going.

_Enter MRS. SWEET, as he is speaking, dressed in riding hat and habit, through door, L. 2. E._

MRS. SWEET. What do you mean? Not going?

SWEET. No, my dear, I have changed my mind. (_STEPHEN lingers for further orders_)

MRS. SWEET. What for? We are all ready, and here's Mr. Short come home.

SWEET. Yes, but you see he is busy. (_pointing to SHORT, who is eating voraciously_) He doesn't wish to go, and _his_ wife remains at home to keep him company.

MRS. SWEET. But what in the name of goodness has all this to do with us?

SWEET. I tell you, Short doesn't want to go--and I desire, Mrs. Sweet, there may be no further discussion on the subject--you understand! (_imitating SHORT_) "I don't go!" (_aside_) That's it, I think, as near as a toucher. (_aloud_) Stephen, do as I ordered you. (_STEPHEN is about to go_)

MRS. SWEET. Stop a moment, Stephen.

SWEET. How, Mrs. Sweet, you venture to counter-order----

MRS. SWEET. No, no, but tell me. How strange you are--just now, when I didn't care about going, you were violently in favour of it; and now that I have consented and dressed myself to please you, you want to stay at home. My dear William--what nonsense! Of course, we must go now you have sent to say so. What can you be thinking about?

SWEET. (_aside_) There she is again--arguing the point with me! How different with Short; and yet that great hulky fellow, insensible of his own happiness, sits there stuffing ready to burst himself.

SHORT. (_looking up from his knife and fork_) Well, have you settled the point?

MRS. SWEET. My dear, Stephen is waiting for orders. (_coaxingly_) You know I have already given way to you, Willie--it's now your turn.

SWEET. (_aside_) I feel that I am yielding, and I can't help it. (_aloud_) Well, that's true--so you did. (_aside_) Short's laughing at me; but I mustn't exact too much from her at once.

MRS. SWEET. Come, come--we shall be keeping them waiting.

SWEET. Ah, to be sure, I didn't think of that. (_apologetically to SHORT, and crossing to him_) You that makes all the difference, Short. We have friends waiting for us. Stephen, you can tell the man to take back only two of the horses.

STEPHEN. Yes, sir.

_Exit, L. C._

MRS. SWEET. There, that's like a man of sense; you may give me a kiss, and then get your hat, and let us be off.

SWEET. Certainly, Fanny, that habit of yours is monstrously becoming to you! (_kisses her--aside_) That's all very well in its way, but I'm a great ass for my pains notwithstanding.

MRS. SWEET. Now, then, are you ready?

SWEET. (_putting on his hat and taking his whip_) Good bye, Short, take care of yourself. We shall find you at home I suppose when we come back.

SHORT. Oh, yes, no fear of that. A safe ride to you. Good bye. (_Exit SWEET and MRS. SWEET, L. C._) Ha! ha! ha! there he goes! poor tame snake! A model of a husband!

_Re-enter, MRS. SHORT door, L. 1 E., without her habit, as at first._

MRS. SHORT. (_aside, looking after MR. and MRS. SWEET_) There they go. How I should like to be with them!

SHORT. I wish them joy. Ha! ha! Sweet will make more than one wry face when he comes to sit down to dinner. (_seeing his wife_) Why, Loo, I am afraid you don't stay at home with a good grace.

MRS. SHORT. Oh don't say so, I am sure I am always delighted to be with you--besides, it is no less a duty than (_in a lower tone_) a pleasure to me.

SHORT. (_eating heartily all the while he is talking_) Now, I ask you if we are not ten times better off comfortably at home here with a good luncheon before us, than if we were jolting about on the backs of those brutes, exposed all the while to the danger--why, my dear, you are in a brown study.

MRS. SHORT. (_recollecting herself_) Eh! yes, certainly--what did you say?

SHORT. Who is it they are going with?

MRS. SHORT. (_getting uneasy_) If you talk so much you'll spoil your luncheon.

SHORT. Well, I don't know how it is but my appetite's beginning to fail.

MRS. SHORT. (_bustling about the table to draw off his attention_) Have a glass of sherry--here, let me pour some out for you. (_pours out wine for him, and goes round to the R. of SHORT_)

SHORT. Well, I have rather a weakness for a glass of sherry. (_having drank it_) Another. (_she pours out another--aside_) If Sweet could but see me now! (_aloud_) What a nice little parlour maid you would make, Loo--why you are prettier than ever! (_chucks her under the chin, and takes her by the hand to draw her towards him_)

MRS. SHORT. (_with disinclination to meet his advance_) Oh, how cold your hand is, (_breaking away from him, and running towards the bell, L._) let me ring and tell them to light a fire for you.

SHORT. No, no, never mind. Come here, I want to talk to you. Pour me out another glass of wine.

MRS. SHORT. (_observing him_) My dear! A third glass before dinner.

SHORT. Why not? It warms me and does me good--come, give me a buss. (_drawing her towards him_)

MRS. SHORT. (_breaking away from him_) Oh! oh!

SHORT. Why, what one earth's the matter?

MRS. SHORT. Only a sudden stitch. (_keeping at a distance_)

SHORT. I tell you I want to have a chat with you--come, sit by me.

MRS. SHORT. (_taking her work and sitting at table, L._) Very well, what shall we chat about?

SHORT. Don't sit so far off. (_he is about to rise to go nearer to her, but sinks back again into the chair_) There's my leg again! Weugh!--what a grinder!--I haven't got rid of my gout yet. (_about to rise_)

MRS. SHORT. (_running to him with footstool_) Don't get up! Don't get up! you'll hurt yourself--here, take this footstool.

SHORT. (_rubbing his leg, and putting it on footstool, and then sits, L._) Ah! that's better! That's more comfortable! (_aside_) If that silly fellow, Sweet, could but see me! (_aloud_) I am as snug now as a bug in a rug--what would poor Sweet give to exchange places with me--this spring cushion instead of a hard saddle, and his leg up at his ease!--talking of _him_ reminds me you haven't told me who's their friend this morning? (_she seems to hesitate_) What don't you know?

MRS. SHORT. (_confused_) Yes, oh yes--Mr. Billington, I believe.

SHORT. Oh, Mr. Billington is it--a friend of the Sweet's--let's see, we dine there to-day--a remarkably nice young man that Mr. Billington--he is particularly civil to me lately whenever he meets me in the City--I am sure nothing could be more polite and attentive than his behaviour to us that night at the Sweet's, in town just before we came down here--by the bye, how is it he never comes to _our_ house?

MRS. SHORT. (_confused_) Why--I--I--never asked him--you know you are so much away from home--I am so often alone that I--

SHORT. You are quite right, my dear--perfectly correct, certainly! Appearances must be attended to--very proper conduct on your part--delicate and correct in the extreme. (_aside_) Ecod--Sweet's right! I am the happiest fellow under the sun.

_Enter STEPHEN, L. C._

STEPH. Oh, sir! oh mum! such a shocking thing!

MRS. SHORT. Good gracious, Stephen, what's the matter?

STEPH. Oh, the poor gentleman! Poor Mr. Sweet!

SHORT. Why, what has happened to him?