Part 2

_Bias._ Das a fac’, das a fac’. Down wid de dust, ole gint, for de dust dat ar bullephant kicked up.

_Silas._ Never! Not a cent! Get out of my house! You’re a pair of knaves. There is no elephant about here. It’s all a lie. I won’t be swindled. Get out, I say!

_Pat._ Knave! Look to yersilf, owld gint. It’s not dacent for the likes of yez to call names. A lie? Troth, I’ll jist bring Biddy and the childer to tistify to the truth--so I will.

_Silas._ Shut up! Clear out! If you want damages, you can have them. I’m getting my dander up, and shall sartinly damage both of yer.

_Bias._ Don’t you do it, don’t you do it. De law will fix you, old gent.

_Pat._ Begorra, I’ll spind me intire fortune, but I’ll have justice.

_Silas._ Are you going?

_Pat._ To a lawyer, straight. I blush for yez, owld gint, I blush for yez.

[_Exit, L._

_Bias._ Dat ar wagon, and dat ar hoss, and dem ar goods, and de ole lady must be repaired. So de law will tell yez, Massa Somebody. Das a fac’, das a fac’.

[_Exit, L._

_Harry._ This looks like a serious business, Mr. Somerby.

_Silas._ Confound it, so it does! What can I do? Must I pay all these damages?

_Harry._ I see no way for you to escape.

_Silas._ What a fool I have been! For a few hours’ fun I’ve got myself into this scrape. Why, ’twill ruin me. I can never raise the money.

_Harry._ O, yes, you can, Mr. Somerby. I have plenty. You’d better settle this matter at once, and draw on me freely for money.

_Silas._ Draw on you? What right have I to do that?

_Harry._ Give your consent to my marriage with Sally, and I shall consider you have the right. More, I will hunt up these claims, and settle them at once.

_Silas._ Will you? You’re a splendid fellow! Help me out, if you can; and, if I can get rid of that elephant--

_Harry._ On one condition I will take him off your hands.

_Silas._ Take him off my hands? Name your condition.

_Harry._ That you will give me your solemn promise never to touch liquor again.

_Silas._ What! Give up my freedom?

_Harry._ No; _be_ free. You are now the slave of an old custom, “more honored in the breach than the observance.” Don’t let it master you again. Don’t let my wife blush for her father.

_Silas._ I won’t! There’s my hand. Sally is yours; and I solemnly promise never to break (_smash of crockery, L._)--Hullo! What’s that?

_Mrs. S._ (_Outside, L._) O, the monster! Drive him out!

_Sally._ (_Outside, L._) He won’t go. Run, mother, run! (_Crash._)

_Mrs. S._ (_Outside, L._) He’s sp’ilt my best dishes! O, the beast! (_Enter, L._) O, Silas, this is all your work. That hateful critter’s got into the kitchen.

_Enter SALLY, L._

_Sally._ O, mother! Harry! father! He’s coming this way! Save us, save us! (_Gets under table._)

_Mrs. S._ Goodness gracious! he’ll set the house afire! (_Gets behind sofa._)

_Enter JOHNNY, L._

_Johnny._ Help! murder! O, I’ve had a h’ist! He’s breaking up housekeeping--you bet!

_Harry._ Be calm, be calm. There’s no danger.

_Mrs. S._ We shall all be eaten alive. O, the monster!

_Silas._ Confound him, I’ll pepper him! Let me get my gun! (_Going, R._)

_Harry._ No, no. ’Twould be dangerous to shoot.

_Johnny._ Let him have a dose, dad.

_Harry._ No, no. Silence! He’s here!

_Enter, L., PAT and BIAS, as the elephant. [For description of its manufacture, see note on page 92.] It enters slowly, passes across stage at back, and exit, R._

_Mrs. S._ O, the monster!

_Sally._ He’s gone straight into the parlor. He’ll smash everything. O, my vases, my vases!

_Silas._ (_Aside._) Confound the critter, I’ll have one shot at him.

[_Exit, R._

_Harry._ (_To SALLY._) It’s all right, Sally. I’ve got his promise.

_Sally._ And we shall be married! Ain’t it jolly?

_Mrs. S._ But how on airth are you going to git out of this scrape?

_Harry._ Leave that to me. Hush! he’s here.

_Enter SILAS, R., with gun._

_Silas._ I’ve had jest about enough of that air critter’s society; and if I don’t pepper him, my name’s not Silas Somerby.

_Harry._ A gun! (_Aside._) This will never do. (_Aloud._) Mr. Somerby, your life’s in danger if you fire that gun.

_Silas._ My dander’s up, and I’m goin’ in.

_Mrs. S._ Silas, don’t you shoot off that gun. I can’t bear it.

_Sally._ No, no, father; you must not.

_Johnny._ Don’t mind ’em, dad; blaze away. (_Aside._) By jinks, that’ll be fun! (_They all come forward._)

_Silas._ I’m going to have a shot at the critter, if I die for it. Here he comes again. (_Raises gun._)

_Mrs. S._ Mercy sakes, Silas, you’ll kill somebody!

_Harry._ You must not shoot, I tell you!

_Sally._ O, father, don’t! Please don’t! (_They all seize him._)

_Johnny._ Blaze away, dad! Give him fits!

_Silas._ (_Breaking away from them._) Stand back, I say. (_Raises gun._)

_Enter the elephant, R._

_Silas._ There, darn you! (_Fires. SALLY and MRS. S. scream._)

_Pat._ O, murther, murther! I’m kilt intirely!

_Bias._ Oo, oo, oo! I’m a gone darky! (_The elephant falls, rolls over, and from the debris BIAS and PAT emerge, looking very much frightened._)

_Pat._ (_Shaking his fist at SILAS._) More damages, be jabers! (_To HARRY._) I didn’t bargain for this at all.

_Bias._ Look--look er here, old gent; I ain’t game, no how. Golly! I’m full ob lead!

_Silas._ What’s this? Have I been duped?

_Johnny._ Sold again, dad.

_Silas._ So, so, you’ve been conspiring against me. There’s no damages, and no elephant. This is your work, Harry Holden.

_Harry._ It is, Mr. Somerby. I freely confess my sin. But I did it for a good purpose. ’Tis true there is no elephant, save the imitation I have manufactured for the occasion; but please remember we came very near having one.

_Johnny._ Yes, dad, you bid a hundred dollars.

_Silas._ I breathe again. You’re right. All this might have been true, had my folly had its way. Thanks to Johnny, I was saved. But you carried the joke a little too far. That gun was loaded.

_Johnny._ Only with powder. I left a charge in it last Fourth, for the blamed thing kicked so I was afraid of it.

_Silas._ It’s all right. Sally is yours, Harry, and I’ll keep my other promise. I suppose these gentlemen were hired for the occasion.

_Pat._ By me sowl, not to be peppered at all, at all.

_Bias._ By golly, dat ar charge almost took away my head.

_Harry._ So, boys, you got a little more than you bargained for; but I’ll fix that all right.

_Silas._ I’ll pay all damages there, glad to get off so easily in my adventure with the elephant. I’ve one request to make. Don’t let this story spread.

_Harry._ You can rely upon my silence.

_Mrs. S._ Marcy sakes, Silas, it ain’t much to boast on!

_Sally._ It shall be a family legend.

_Pat._ Be jabers, I wouldn’t blab till I was deaf and dumb!

_Bias._ Dis yer pusson can hold his hush.

_Silas._ Thank you. And you (_to audience_), can I depend upon you? The old man begins late, but he is bound to reform; and, if you but give your approbation, there is no fear of his backsliding.

_Johnny._ I say, dad, hadn’t you better put a postscript to that?

_Silas._ Well, what is-- (_JOHNNY whispers to him._) Exactly. There is no fear of his backsliding, unless, at your request, he should some time set out for the purpose of “Seeing the Elephant.”

NOTE. _The Elephant._ For this trick a well-known comical diversion can be introduced. Bias and Pat personate the elephant; one represents the fore, the other the hind legs. The two characters bend over, placing themselves one behind the other, as represented in the engraving. A blanket, doubled three or four times, is placed on their backs, with the addition of long cushions, if handy; these serve to form the back of the elephant. Two blankets or shawls are placed over this, the end of one twisted to represent his trunk, the end of the other twisted to represent his tail. Two paper cones enact the tusks, and the elephant is complete.

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4. =John Wopps.= A Farce in One Act. By W. E. Suter. 4 Male, 2 Female characters.

5. =The Turkish Bath.= A Farce in One Act. By Montague Williams and F. C. Burnand. 6 Male, 1 Female character.

6. =The Two Puddifoots.= A Farce in One Act. By J. M. Morton. 3 Male, 3 Female characters.

7. =Old Honesty.= A Comic Drama in Two Acts. By J. M. Morton. 5 Male, 2 Female characters.

8. =Two Gentlemen in a Fix.= A Farce in One Act. By W. E. Suter. 2 Male characters.

9. =Smashington Goit.= A Farce in One Act. By T. J. Williams. 5 Male, 3 Female characters.

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12. =The Daughter of the Regiment.= A Drama in Two Acts. By Edward Fitzball. 6 Male, 2 Female characters.

13. =Aunt Charlotte’s Maid.= A Farce in One Act. By J. M. Morton. 3 Male, 3 Female characters.

14. =Brother Bill and Me.= A Farce in One Act. By W. E. Suter. 4 Male, 3 Female characters.

15. =Done on Both Sides.= A Farce in One Act. By J. M. Morton. 3 Male, 2 Female characters.

16. =Dunducketty’s Picnic.= A Farce in One Act. By T. J. Williams. 6 Male, 3 Female characters.

17. =I’ve written to Browne.= A Farce in One Act. By T. J. Williams. 4 Male, 3 Female characters.

18. =Lending a Hand.= A Farce in One Act. By G. A. A’Becket. 3 Male, 2 Female characters.

19. =My Precious Betsy.= A Farce in One Act. By J. M. Morton. 4 Male, 4 Female characters.

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21. =Nine Points of the Law.= A Comedy in One Act. By Tom Taylor. 4 Male, 3 Female characters.

22. =The Phantom Breakfast.= A Farce in One Act. By Charles Selby. 3 Male, 2 Female characters.

23. =Dandelions Dodges.= A Farce in One Act. By T. J. Williams. 4 Male, 2 Female characters.

24. =A Slice of Luck.= A Farce in One Act. By J. M. Morton. 4 Male, 2 Female characters.

25. =Always Intended.= A Comedy in One Act. By Horace Wigan. 3 Male, 3 Female characters.

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28. =Bowled Out.= A Farce in One Act. By H. T. Craven. 4 Male, 3 Female characters.

29. =Cousin Tom.= A Commedietta in One Act. By George Roberts. 3 Male, 2 Female characters.

30. =Sarah’s Young Man.= A Farce in One Act. By W. E. Suter. 3 Male, 3 Female characters.

31. =Hit Him, He has No Friends.= A Farce in One Act. By E. Yates and N. H. Harrington. 7 Male, 3 Female characters.

32. =The Christening.= A Farce in One Act. By J. B. Buckstone. 5 Male, 6 Female characters.

33. =A Race for a Widow.= A Farce in One Act. By Thomas J. Williams. 5 Male, 4 Female characters.

34. =Your Life’s in Danger.= A Farce in One Act. By J. M. Morton. 3 Male, 3 Female characters.

35. =True unto Death.= A Drama in Two Acts. By J. Sheridan Knowles. 6 Male, 2 Female characters.

36. =Diamond cut Diamond.= An Interlude in One Act. By W. H. Murray. 10 Male, 1 Female character.

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44. =Don’t Judge by Appearances.= A Farce in One Act. By J. M. Morton. 3 Male, 2 Female characters.

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47. =East Lynne.= A Drama in Five Acts. 8 Male, 7 Female characters.

48. =The Hidden Hand.= A Drama in Five Acts. By Robert Jones. 10 Male, 7 Female characters.

49. =Silverstone’s Wager.= A Commedietta in One Act. By R. R. Andrews. 4 Male, 3 Female characters.

50. =Dora.= A Pastoral Drama in Three Acts. By Charles Reade. 5 Male, 2 Female characters.

51. =Blanks and Prizes.= A Farce in One Act. By Dexter Smith. 5 Male, 2 Female characters.

52. =Old Gooseberry.= A Farce in One Act. By T. J. Williams. 4 Male, 2 Female characters.

53. =Who’s Who.= A Farce in One Act. By T. J. Williams. 3 Male, 2 Female characters.

54. =Bouquet.= A Farce in One Act. 2 Male, 3 Female characters.

55. =The Wife’s Secret.= A Play in Five Acts. By George W. Lovell. 10 Male, 2 Female characters.

50. =The Babes in the Wood.= A Comedy in Three Acts. By Tom Taylor. 10 Male, 3 Female characters.

57. =Putkins: Heir to Castles in the Air.= A Comic Drama in One Act. By W. R. Emerson. 2 Male, 2 Female characters.

58. =An Ugly Customer.= A Farce in One Act. By Thomas J. Williams. 3 Male, 2 Female characters.

59. =Blue and Cherry.= A Comedy in One Act. 3 Male, 2 Female characters.

60. =A Doubtful Victory.= A Comedy in One Act. 3 Male, 2 Female characters.

61. =The Scarlet Letter.= A Drama in Three Acts. 8 Male, 7 Female characters.

62. =Which will have Him?= A Vaudeville. 1 Male, 2 Female characters.

63. =Madam is Abed.= A Vaudeville in One Act. 2 Male, 2 Female characters.

64. =The Anonymous Kiss.= A Vaudeville. 2 Male, 2 Female characters.

65. =The Cleft Stick.= A Comedy in Three Acts. 5 Male, 3 Female characters.

66. =A Soldier, a Sailor, a Tinker, and a Tailor.= A Farce in One Act. 4 Male, 2 Female characters.

67. =Give a Dog a Bad Name.= A Farce. 2 Male, 2 Female Characters.

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Transcriber’s Notes:

Italic text is denoted by _underscores_ and bold text by =equal signs=.

The page of advertisements preceding the title page has been moved to the end of this book.

Variations in spelling remain as in the original unless noted below.

Page 74, “woodchuek” changed to “woodchuck.”

End of Project Gutenberg's Seeing the Elephant, by George Melville Baker