Part 1
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Transcriber's note:
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SCOTCH WIT AND HUMOR
Classified Under Appropriate Subject Headings, with, in Many Cases, a Reference to a Table of Authors
Philadelphia George W. Jacobs & Co. 103-105 S. Fifteenth Street
Copyright, 1898, by George W. Jacobs & Co.
Preface
_Scotch Wit and Humor_ is a fairly representative collection of the type of wit and humor which is at home north of the Tweed--and almost everywhere else--for are not Scotchmen to be found everywhere? To say that wit and humor is not a native of Scotch human nature is to share the responsibility for an inaccuracy the author of which must have been as unobservant as those who repeat it. It is quite true that the humor is not always or generally on the surface--what treasure is?--and it may be true, too, that the thrifty habits of our northern friends, combined with the earnestness produced by their religious history, have brought to the surface the seriousness--amounting sometimes almost to heaviness--which is their most apparent characteristic. But under the surface will be found a rich vein of generosity, and a fund of humor, which soon cure a stranger--if he has eyes to see and is capable of appreciation--of the common error of supposing that Scotchmen are either stingy or stupid.
True, there may be the absence of the brilliancy which characterizes much of the English wit and humor, and of the inexpressible quality which is contained in Hibernian fun; but for point of neatness one may look far before discovering anything to surpass the shrewdness and playfulness to be found in the Scotch race. In fact, if Scotland had no wit and humor she would have been incapable of furnishing a man who employed such methods in construction as were introduced by the engineer of the Forth Bridge.
W. H. HOWE.
Contents
Page
A Badly Arranged Prayer 108
A Beadle Magnifying his Office 26
A Board-School Examiner Floored 143
A Bookseller's Knowledge of Books 181
"A Call to a Wider Sphere" 99
A Canny Witness 112
A Case in which Comparisons were Odious 76
A Castle Stor(e)y 119
A Churl Congratulated 165
A Clever "Turn" 161
A Comfortable Preacher 111
A Compensation Balance 180
A Compliment by Return 68
A Conditional Promise 87
A Consistent Seceder 159
A Consoling "If" 43
A Critic on His Own Criticism 124
"A Cross-examiner Answered" 13
A Crushing Argument against MS Sermons 176
A Curiously Unfortunate Coincidence in Psalm Singing 164
A Cute Gaoler 212
A Cute Way of Getting an Old Account 88
A Definition of Baptism 129
A Definition of "Fou" 59
A Descendant of the Stuarts 105
A Descriptive Hymn 195
A Different Thing Entirely 67
A Discerning Fool 199
A Drunkard's Thoughts 125
A Dry Preacher 120
A False Deal 125
A Family Likeness 30
A Fruitful Field 176
A Good Judge of Accent 38
A Grammatical Beggar 120
A "Grand" Piano 147
A "Grave" Hint 173
A Harmless Joke 106
A Highland Chief and His Doctor 170
A Highland Servant Girl and the Kitchen Bell 97
A Highland Outburst of Gratitude and an Inburst of Hurricane 66
A Highlander on Bagpipes 56
A Keen Reproof 134
A "Kippered" Divine 105
A Law of Nature 199
A Leader's Description of His Followers 190
A Lecture on Baldness--Curious Results 46
A Lesson in Manners 202
A Lesson to the Marquis of Lorne 15
A Lofty "Style" 126
A Lunatic's Advice to Money-Lenders 129
A Magnanimous Cobbler 202
A Marriage not made in Heaven 210
A Matter-of-fact Death Scene 172
A Minor Major 88
A Misdeal 103
A Miserly Professor 46
A Modern Dumb Devil (D.D.) 164
A Mother's Confidence in Her Son 113
A Nest-egg Noo 14
A New and Original Scene in "Othello" 178
A New Application of "The Argument from Design" 174
A New Explanation of an Extra Charge 94
A New Story Book--at the Time 150
A Night in a Coal Cellar 211
A Paradox 200
A Patient Lady 140
A Piper's Opinion of a Lord--and Himself 163
A Poacher's Prayer 205
A Poem for the Future 108
A Poetical Question and Answer 121
A Poor Place for a Cadger 149
A Powerful Preacher 79
A Practical View of Matrimony 207
A Preacher with His Back Towards Heaven 175
A Process of Exhaustion 167
A Ready Student 73
"A Reduction on a Series" 151
A Reproof Cleverly Diverted 32
A Restful Preacher 139
A Sad Drinking Bout 209
A Sad Loss 201
A Satisfactory Explanation 119
A Saving Clause 156
A Scathing Scottish Preacher in Finsbury Park 155
A Scotch Curtain Lecture on Profit and Pain 59
A Scotch Fair Proclamation of Olden Days 153
A Scotch Matrimonial Jubilee 125
A Scotch "Native" 98
A Scotch "Squire" 33
A Scotch "Supply" 109
A Scotch Version of the Lives of Esau and Jacob 62
A Scotch View of Shakespeare 58
A Sensible Lass 200
A Sensible Servant 202
A Serious Dog--and for a Serious Reason 161
A Sexton's Criticism 183
A Shrewd Reply 83
"A Sign of Grace," 103
A Spiritual Barometer 174
A Stranger in the Court of Session 198
A Successful Tradesman 61
A Sympathetic Hearer 87
A Teetotal Preacher Asks for "A Glass"--and Gets It 107
A Test of Literary Appreciation 207
A Thoughtless Wish 167
A Thrifty Proposal 123
A Typical Quarrel 71
A Variety Entertainment 194
A Vigorous Translation 195
A Whole-witted Sermon from a Half-witted Preacher 135
A Widow's Promise 117
A Wife's Protection 100
A "Wigging" 204
Absence of Humor--Illustrated 146
Absent in Mind, and Body too 208
Acts of Parliament "Exhausted" 173
Advice on Nursing 124
Advice to an M.P. 68
"After you, Leddies" 207
"'Alice' Brown, the Jaud" 56
An Affectionate Aunt 199
An Angry Preacher 111
An Author and His Printer 134
An Earl's Pride and Parsimony 127
An Economical Preacher's Bad Memory 92
An Epitaph to Order 194
An "Exceptional Prayer" 118
An Extra Shilling to Avoid a Calamity 206
An Idiot's Views of Insanity 113
An Instance of Scott's Pleasantry 36
An Observant Husband 29
An Open Question 102
An Out-of-the-way Reproof 119
"Another Opportunity" 211
Appearing "in Three Pieces" 73
"As Guid Deid as Leevin" 58
At the End of His Tether 123
Bad Arithmeticians Often Good Bookkeeper 131
"Before the Provost" 195
Beginning Life where he ought to have Ended, and Vice Versa 86
Better than a Countess 114
"Bock Again!"--A Prompt Answer 104
Bolder than Charles the Bold 137
Born Too Late 175
Both Short 193
Broader Than He Was Long 205
"Brothers" in Law 29
"Bulls" in Scotland 29
Canny Dogs 68
Capital Punishment 35
"Capital Punishment"--Modified 90
Caring for Their Minister 19
Catechising 201
Church Economy 60
Church Popularity 197
Choosing a Minister 77
Compensation 84
Compulsory Education and a Father's Remedy 34
Concentrated Caution 173
"Consecrated" Ground 75
Consoled by a Relative's Lameness 41
Curious Delusion Concerning Light 41
Curious Idea of the Evidence for Truth 37
Curious Misunderstanding 131
Curious Pulpit Notice 141
Curious Sentence 42, 68
Curious Use of a Word 91
Dead Shot 34
Deathbed Humor 172
Definition of Metaphysics 131
Degrees of Capacity 95
Denominational Graves 196
Depression--Delight--Despair 126
"Discretion--the Better Part of Valor" 51
Disqualified to be a Country Preacher 122
Distributing His Praises with Discernment 22
Disturbed Devotions 110
Domestics in By-gone Days 102
Double Meanings 17
Drawing an Inference 182
Drinking by Candle-light 121
Driving the Deevil Oot 70
Droll Solemnity 93
Drunken Wit 117
Dry Weather, and Its Effect on the Ocean 37
Earning His Dismissal 57
"Eating Among the Brutes" 110
"Effectual Calling" 142
Either Too Fast or Too Slow 97
English versus Scotch Sheep's Heads 33
Entrance Free, and "Everything Found" 161
Escaping Punishment 196
"Every Man to His Own Trade" 73
Extraordinary Absence of Mind 104
"Faint Heart Never Won Fair Lady" 63
Faring Alike 102
Fetching His "Character" 96
Finding Work for His Class, While He Dined 91
Fool Finding 75
Forcing a Judge to Obey the Law 132
"Fou--Aince" 181
Fowls and Ducks! 84
From Different Points of View 74
From Pugilism to Pulpit 158
"Gathering Up the Fragments" 169
Ginger Ale 87
Giving Them the Length of His Tongue 166
Going to Ramoth Gilead 182
Going to the Doctor's and "Taking" Something 76
Good Enough to Give Away 120
Good "for Nothing"--Not the Goodness Worth Having 78
"Grace" With No Meat After 142
Gratifying Industry! 203
Grim Humor 122
Ham and Cheese 150
Happy Escape from an Angry Mob 43
"Haste" and "Leisure" 111
"Haudin' His Stick" 38
"Having the Advantage" 166
"Hearers Only--Not Doers" 88
Heaven Before it Was Wanted 41
Helping Business 48
Highland Happiness 18
Highland Simplicity 85
Highland Warldliness 200
His Own, with "Interest" 193
His Word and His Bond Equally Binding 131
Holding a Candle to the Sun 124
Honest Johnny M'Cree 40
How Greyhounds are Produced 203
How to Exterminate Old Thieves 86
How to Treat a Surplus 89
Husband! Husband! Cease Your Strife! 154
Hume Canonized 160
Inconsistencies of "God's People" 151
Indiscriminate Humor 39
Ingenious Remedy for Ignorance 200
"Invisible and Incomprehensible" 96
It Takes Two to Fight 190
It's a Gran' Nicht 55
"Kaming" Her Ain Head 171
Keeping His Threat--at His Own Expense 145
"Knowledge--It Shall Vanish Away" 106
Knox and Claverhouse 153
Landseer's Deadly Influence 89
Laughing in the Pulpit--With Explanation 37
"Law" Set Aside by "Gospel" 106
Leaving the Lawyers a Margin 129
Less Sense Than a Sheep 41
Lessons in Theology 15
"Lichts Oot!" 107
Light Through a Crack 14
Lights and Livers 193
Living With His Uncle 165
Looking After Himself 193
Looking Before Leaping 107
Lord Clancarty and the Roman Catholic Chaplain 113
Lord Cockburn Confounded 201
Lord Mansfield and a Scotch Barrister on Pronunciation 114
Losing His Senses 51
Lost Dogs 80
"Lost Labor" 149
"Making Hay While the Sun Shines" 112
Mallet, Plane, and Sermon--All Wooden 23
Marriages which are Made in Heaven--How Revealed 115
"Married!"--not "Living" 79
Matrimony a Cure for Blindness 93
Matter More than Manner 90
Maunderings by a Scotchman 184
Meanness versus Crustiness 192
Mending Matters 95
Mental Aberration 70
Minding His Business 79
Modern Improvements 152
More Polite than Some Smokers 100
More Witty Than True 136
Mortal Humor 176
Mortifying Unanimity 43
Motive for Church Going 142
Multum in Parvo 62
National Thrift Exemplified 94
Nearer the Bottom than the Top 175
New Style of Riding in a Funeral Procession 145
New Use for a "Cosy" 95
"No Better than Pharaoh" 143
"No Compliments" 202
No End to His Wit 129
"No Lord's Day!" 34
"No Road This Way!" 159
No Wonder! 27
Not all Profit 89
Not at Home 101
Not "in Chains" 163
Not Necessarily Out of His Depth 98
Not One of "The Establishment" 143
Not Qualified to Baptize 213
Not Quite an Ass 212
Not Surprised 210
Not Up to Sample 116
Not Used to It 141
"Nothing," and How to See It 133
Objecting to Long Sermons 161
Objecting to "Regeneration" 30
Objecting to Scotch "Tarmes" 140
Official Consolation and Callousness 139
"Old Bags" 107
"Old Clo'" 197
One "Always Right," the Other "Never Wrong" 14
One Scotchman Outwitted by Another 214
One Side of Scotch Humor 82
"Oo"--with Variations 116
Ornithology 207
Paris and Peebles Contrasted 57
Passing Remarks 197
Patriotism and Economy 154
Peter Peebles' Prejudice 33
Pie, or Patience? 89
"Plain Scotch" 19
Plain Speaking 93
Playing at Ghosts 157
Pleasant Prospect Beyond the Grave 138