Chapter 5
It wasnt much of an endin to a worlds champeenship scrap. Id always thought that when they ended wars like this they lined up same as in the pictur your father has of whats his name surrenderin to thingumbob at Yorktown. I thought General Fosh would come ridin out on a big white horse an General Hinderberg on a big black one. Hed hand Fosh his sord or whissel or whatever it is that Generals carry nowdays. Then everybody would cheer, the bands would bust out with the Star Spangled Banner an it would be just like after the fello rides a bicicle over five elefants in the circus. After that wed hand our guns over to some museum an go home. Somehow or other it was to big to peter out the way it did.
We fired off an on Sunday night an then quit when it got daylight. Most of the fellos were down in the dug outs catchin a little sleep except for the gards an a few others that was monkeyin around upstairs. Me an Angus was sittin in a little trench in front of the first gun. Angus was cleanin his revolver. I might have known from that that something out of the way was goin to happen.
The Fritzes was sowin a big field in front of the battery with wash boilers. Theyd been at it all mornin but about the only thing they was killen was the grass. Not bein interested in the hay crop we wasnt callin them up to tell them about it. Every ten minites or so you could feel a big one land. Then wed stick our heads up over the top of the trench an watch it throw up mud in the air like Old Faithless guyser.
We was talkin about the armistice. Angus said if it was sined up we was to go to college in Ingland for six months or else to Rusha to fight the Slovo Checkracks or the Checko Swaybacks or somebody. Not wantin to do ether I couldnt see where the armistice was goin to do me much good.
Just then I saw the Top comin but it was to late to go anywhere. He says "I want you fellos to go an help unload a rashun truck thats stuck in the mud down the road. An by the way, the wars over in about five minits so dont go around shootin anybody after that unless you want to land in the gard house." I bet if the angel Gabriul stuck his head out of a cloud an said the world was goin to end in twenty minits all that would worry the Top would be thinkin up details to keep us sweatin that long.
Thats about all there was to the end of the war as far as I was concerned. Angus says "Ill be damed." Then he squinted thru his gun an handed it over to me an says "See if you think thats rust up near the front end." We stopped everybody that came along an told them about it. Most of them would just say "Ill be damed." Then theyd stand around for a minit thinkin it over an ask "When are we goin home?" Youd think me an Angus was runnin some kind of a Cooks toor.
Things warmed up a little after it got dark. Everybody got there fireworks out an touched them off. It was the first time since we been in the war that we found out what a lot of those rockets were. It made 4th of July look like Sunday in Philadelfia.
Of course all anybody thinks about now is when there goin home. Most of the fellos is expectin to help put the fires out on the family Crismus tree. Theres a few of them thinks theyll be eatin homemade turkey Thanksgivin. I wouldnt worry much if I was a turkey tho.
Well, Mable, after all the baths I took last winter an all Ive been rained on since I got here I finally adopted a pack of cooties. I guess some Fritz left them in a dug out to starve. I dont know why it is that animals seem to take to me so. This bunch is so attached to me I havnt been able to shake them for two weeks. I used to think cooties was funny just like you think slippin on a banana peel is funny till its your slip. Now all I do is scratch, scratch, scratch. Thats me all over, Mable.
Im enclosin a blank slip they gave out today. Anybody that wants to send a Crismus present has to have one. I wasnt goin to send it first cause it sounded a little like I was expectin a present. Then I figgered Id just tell you I didnt want one an send it for a curiosity.
I guess Ill see you in about a month. Its just a question of findin somebody thats fool enuff to take these guns offen our hands. You might as well start oilin the victrola. You can tell your father hes goin to sit down to the biggest dinner he ever tackeled the first Sunday after I get home, liver or no liver.
till then as always _Bill_
P.S. Im sendin half a dozen of those slips extra in case the first one should get lost or some of your friends wanted to send anything to somebody over here.
_Dere Mable:_
You couldnt guess where I am now. Im not to sure myself. All I know is it isnt the way home. A couple of days after the armistice was signed we pulled the guns into what was left of a town. The Fritzes had just moved out. Then the Captin told us there was an army goin into Germany an we was to be part of it. It struck me as a pretty low trick when wed told the Fritzes we was thru fightin to go right on pickin on them. He said it was an honer. Im always leary of that. In the army honer an hard work are the same thing.
We lay around four days before we started. The Lootenant said that was to give the Fritzes a good start. I cant make out if were still at war or if this is some kind of a handicap race. We traveled a week tho and didnt see one of them. I guess we gave up after that cause theyve let us lie around here four or five days. They call this the Providence of Luxemburg. Im glad we didnt have to fight our way here.
Thanksgivin is over. You probably know that tho. I suppose we got a lot to be thankful for but a fello gets a short memory when his brains full of mud. As far as I can see the turkeys had the most to crow about this year. It might have been St. Patricks day for all we saw of them. We had stake an gravey an potatoes. The mess sargent said we ought to be thankful it wasnt corn Willie. He could think up some reason why we ought to be grateful to him if he fed us nails.
The people here wear wooden shoes an have big manure piles an no shapes. Theyll scrub the inside of the house till its so clean you could eat offen the floor. Only I never could see any advantage in that cause nobody in his right mind would want to eat there. Then theyll build a manure pile right under the front windo. That aint so bad here as it would be home cause the only time they open the windos is when they want to throw something out. Then they shut em quick sos they wont let out any air. I bet the greatest hardship the German army had was sleepin outdoors for four years.
Angus says the Providence of Luxemburg is run by a Dutchess thats young an good lookin. I guess she must be a foriner. Shes never been married which shows shes got pretty good taste from all Ive seen around here. There sure will be great opportunities over here for a young fello after the war.
Well, Mable, I dont think well be over here long. Angus says this is just a kind of a parade to show the Fritzes how good we are. Im glad to hear your goin to a motor school. It certinly will be good when you have a puncture not to have a bunch of wimmin hangin out of the tonno askin you if you want some candy an should they get out.
as ever sick of the army _Bill_
_Dere Mable:_
We crossed into the Fodderland yesterday. After scrappin about it for four years nobody seemed to give a rap any more than if wed been draggin in a load of hay. You remember how the papers used to say if we ever drove the Fritzes back to Germany we could never get across the border. Proper Gander, every word of it. They didnt even have a fence around it.
We just crossed a little river no wider than Silver Creek an there we was. No screamin wimmin, no stray shots out of attiks, no awtrocities. Nobody even took the trouble to come out an hiss at us. It made everybody feel pretty low I can tell you. The only ones that took any interest at all was a bunch of kids in soldiers caps an stand up collars like your father wears. They seemed to think we was goin to show in their town an trotted along beside us to watch the big tent go up.
Wed all been plannin for some time on committin a few good awtrocities as soon as we got into Germany just to liven things up a bit.
As usual tho when the Captins runnin the party anything sporty is ruled out. The only awtrocities hell let us commit is makin faces at the Fritzes. The whole thing has been an awful disappointment. This country aint no diferent from France or the one we just left. It aint even colored diferent like it is on the map.
Theres a fello from Milwawke in our battery named Joe Bush. It certinly helps to have somebody around that speaks German. Last night Joe told me hed found a regular bed in one of the Fritz houses that the oficers seemed to have missed. He traded me half of it for a package of cigarets. Back to the hay barn for me tonite.
A German bed is like a loaf of bread thats rose to much. Its so high you need a chair to get onto it. I guess youd need a coroner if you ever rolled off it. When I first got up on it I couldnt make out where the bed close was. Then I found there was two matdresses, one about four feet thick an the other on top about a foot thick. Your supposed to sleep between them like a sanwidge. The little matdress is built so it just reaches from your neck to your ankles if you aint to tall. You can get the idear by lyin down an puttin a sofa pillo over you. Ether the Fritzes has awful tuff feet or there built like a pocket drinkin cup. I tried rollin up like a dog till Joe caught onto it to.
Well, Mable, in about an hour I felt like I was in the hot room of a Turks bath. I dont see how the Germans is so fat if they sleep between these things.
The young girl in a kimony on the cover of the Murad boxes gives you an idear how you sleep on a German bed. I never knew why she looked so discouraged before.
The old fello that owned the bed seemed kind of scared at first. I guess he thought after we found what it was like we might commit a few awtrocities just to put us to sleep.
We agreed to call off the awtrocities if hed leave his Frow cook us up a mess of waffles toot sweet. Frow is what they call there wives, Mable. I guess its short for Frowsie.
I got to start in forgettin my French now an begin on Dutch. I bet I talk pigen Inglish when I get home. I dont have much trouble with languiges tho. I can say quite a few things already like "Ya" and "Nine" an "Vas iss." Thats all right if your Just out for a social time but it aint any good in commershul life.
Its no use tellin you to rite I never get your letters.
yours disgustedly _Bill_
_Dere Mable:_
We crossed the Rine day before yesterday. It was Friday the 13th but the bridge held up in spite of it. The Rine didnt look like much to me. Im not much of a judge of rivers tho. Its been rainin for three days an it would take an awful lot of water in one place to make much impreshun on me.
We all thought we was goin to a town by the name of Coblence. The Mess sargent had told us everybody was to have a room to himself an that most of the time when we wasnt at the movies wed be canoin up an down the river. The armies got an idear tho that if you let a soldier get near anything thats worth while hell take it to pieces an cart it away. So they saved Coblence by goin around it.
That night we stuck the horses and guns in the front yard of a Chatto. It looked more like Central Park to me. The fello that owned the place was standin at the gate when we came in. He had on a green felt hat with the edges curled up like a derby an a feather stuck in it. I wouldnt have been surprised if hed started to yodel. I bet he was as glad to see us as the meesels. A regiment of field artilery walkin around your front yard aint no grass cultivator.
This isnt a bad place to lay over for a day tho. The town is built round a big cliff. On top is the ruins of an old cassel. Some of the town tried to clime up the side of the cliff an got stuck half way. In the house where Im bilited the front door is where it ought to be an the back door opens onto the street from the third floor. I can hear your mother sayin, "Run up in the attik, Mable, an see who that is knockin at the back door."
Theres a little stream runnin thru the town. Its very beautiful an full of tin cans. The sides are all bricked up. The Fritzes would make the trees grow square if they could. The hills go straight up all around us. I dont know how the stream ever got in here or how were goin to get out. It certinly is a useful place for artilery. About the only thing you could shoot out of here would be a skyrocket.
They told us we was goin to have yesterday to ourselves. Then the last minit they made us all take a bath. In the army they dont give you credit for knowin how or when to take a bath. They have a corperal there to show you. The one they had on the job yesterday must have learned from a correspondence school.
You dont get into a bath here. You take it out of something an spread it over you. This time theyd heated a big kettle of water in a wood shed. You dipped out a pailful an put some of it over you an the rest over your close. Just about the time youve got a good lather worked up the corperal says "Come on. Hurry up an get your close on. Your eight minits is up." Ford ought to get hold of that fello. Hed have them poppin out of the factory like corn out of a roaster.
I didnt get a bath, but I didnt need one. Me an Angus both took one the day after the armistice was signed. There aint nothin thatll keep a man fit like keepin clean as the poets say.
Everyones sore at these Dutchmen. They havnt got as much spirit as a bottle of near beer. All they do is take off there hats to us like we was a bunch of ladies an say "Tag." I thought first they was sayin "Dog." I went to the Captin an ast him if I could clean up with the next fello that said it.
The Captin said Tag was just Fritz for Howdy. Then I ast him if I could clean up half a dozen of them anyway just to get them started on the right lines. He says "Smith, if you try any of your back alley sanitashun around here youll be cleanin up around the gard house as quick as we get one." He thinks hes awful funny. Thats the way it goes, tho, Mable. One day your a quitter if you dont throw everything but the kitchin stove at a fello and the next day they want you to kiss him.
Im sendin you a lot of post cards I paid eighty two fennigs for. I dont know wether that was a bargin or a fortune. I never seen any places like these but they give you a good idear of the country. I got to quit now cause there linin up for mess. If I ever get out of this army I wont stand in line agen if they was handin out five dollar bills. If you want to go to the movies with me you got to go early an avoid the rush.
Tell Archie Wainwright I wish him a merry Crismus cause its liable to be his last. His only chance for a happy New Year is if the war breaks out agen.
Until it does yours _Bill_
_Dere Mable:_
Weve quit hikin at last. Not because we get anyplace tho. Why they stopped here when there is a road goin right thru is more than I can figger. Theres about fifty houses in this place. I guess most of them was built as soon as the flood was dried out enuff sos they could lay the foundashuns. I havnt seen a new house since I been in Germany. A place that wed be puttin bronze tablets on they think has just been built.
They seem to be short on everything over here. From what I seen they live mostly on potadoes. The only thing they get enuff of is mud. Our guns is parked in a field an if we stay here much longer well have to blast to get them out.
The Captin says the rules on letter ritin is off an we can say where we are. The only thing we cant do is criticize the army. I dont know where we are an I couldnt spell it anyhow so theres not much to rite about.
We sleep in rooms now insted of barns. The Dutch dont seem to care much. I can hear your mother if four tramps came walkin into her front parlor an went to sleep on the floor. The old fello that owns the room thinks were crazy because we have to open our windos every night. He told Joe Bush there wasnt any use makin a fire for us cause when he spent the whole evenin gettin the room full of heat wed open the windo an let it all out. When we first got into that room I guess it had the original heat his granfather put in it.
Crismus is only a few days away. I suppose theyll let us sleep half an hour extra for a Crismus present an then forget to tell the buglers like they did last year. About all it amounted to was standin around in the rain half an hour longer for mess.
I havnt had my feet under a table now in four months. Theyve gotten so big since I been wearin these army shoes that I dont know if theyll go under any more. When I get home Ill probably pile my whole dinner in a soup plate an take it out in the back yard.
All feelin aside, Mable, it certinly will be good to get my food seperated agen. These fellos would pour your coffee over your dinner if there was any room. When you come up to the kitchin the first K.P. sticks a piece of meat in the bottom of your mess kit. Thats a sort of a foundashun. Then a spoonful of loose potadoes hit it like a soft nose bullet an thats the last you see of your meat. The next fello covers that with a quart of gravy an sticks a pickle in the top with his thum like inlaid work. The last one levels it off with a piece of bread slammed on like a cover. Angus says its a wise man that knows his own dinner unless hes got a good memory.
Ive learned to put down an awful lot of food, tho, in less time than it takes to chew it. You got to be fast if you want any seconds. Some of these fellos must store up there food like squirrels cause there finished an back in the line before its moved ten places. Theres always some smart alex that washes up his mess kit an pretends hes just come up from the picket line. We got a mess sargent tho that makes Shylock Homes look like a night watchman. He could tell yesterdays greece from todays if you scoured your mess kit with sandpaper.
The Fritzes are more balled up on there money than the French. These fellos dont even know what the stuffs worth themselves. They have two kinds of money, fennigs an marks. I dont know wether marks make fennigs or fennigs make marks. I know they both make me tired. Its about as easy to buy anything here as it is to check up a Chinese lawndry bill. They tell you the price of a thing in fennigs an marks. Then you got to figger that into franks an figger what its all worth in United States. Just to give your mind a little exercise fennigs an marks aint the same more than five minites. Everybody has there own idear of what there worth an the fello thats doin the sellin never has the same idear that you have.
The first time I bought a glass of beer in Germany it took me so long to pay for it I almost got arrested for bein out after taps. We never did decide the thing. The reason none of these fellos over here never get spiffed is because they make you pay after every drink. Youd be more likely to die of thirst.
I havnt received no Crismus box yet. Im glad you an your mother did as I told you an didnt pay any atenshun to those slips I sent you for curiosities. If thered been any chance of sendin you anything Id have done it. You dont want to feel bad about that tho, cause this idear of looking at Crismus like a horse swap is all wrong. I certinly hope you have a merry Crismus. Youll probably get this letter sometime in August.
Yours optimistically _Bill_
_Dere Mable:_
Another Crismus an New Years has gone by. I wonder where theyll pick out for me to spend my next one. I wish I could get hold of a geografy an see what places are left. One of these days I may be able to get a furlo for Crismus if we happen to be fightin some country right near home. Then I can tell you how all the different nashuns spend there holidays.
I knew thered be some string on sleepin late Crismus mornin. The day before there was a couple of fellos late to revelry. They were fellos whod never done any work anyway so I couldnt see how it mattered much. The Captin said hed been plannin on lettin us sleep till seven o'clock Crismus but if we couldnt learn to make revelry wed have to keep on practisin gettin up at six. It seems to me if a fello dont know how to do that now he never will. If I get up at six the first Crismus I spend home itll be six in the evening you can bet.
Crismus mornin they lined us all up an gave each fello a little box marked "Greetins from the Folks at Home." Only they didnt say whose folks. Inside there was some tobacco an cigarets an chockolate an the like. Angus thinks theres something foney about it somewhere. He says like as not theyll take it out of our next pay roll or our A Lot Meants. Angus would think you had some axe to grind if you pulled him out of a burnin buildin.
We didnt have nothin to do Crismus but take care of the horses an "the usual policin." That left me with almost an hour in the middle of the day without anything to do. I was goin to rite you a letter but I felt kind of drowsy. Ever since I been in the army Ive said that my first duty was to keep fit so I went to sleep insted. Patriotic. Thats me all over, Mable.
The reasen I got a chance to rite this letter is because some horse stepped on my foot the other day an I cant walk. It wasnt any accident. That horse an me never got along. Hes been layin for me ever since I brushed his teeth with a curry brush. The more I see of horses the more I want to meet the fello that wrote Black Buty. He must have learned about horses in a carpenter shop. Im goin to rite a book about them when I get home that will put the S.P.C.A. out of business. I got to stop ritin now an answer sick call with my foot. Yesterday they gave me some pills. I suppose today theyll look at my tongue an tell me its my stummick thats out of order.
Well, Mable, I havnt had so much as a pictur post card from you in two weeks. I hope that fello Archie Wainwright aint botherin you agen cause our hospittles is crowded enuff now. Im still a gentleman but if I ever catch him moldin your hammick around his figger--well, Mable, Id talk it over with him cause I seen enuff blood shed already.
yours doubtfully till I hear _Bill_
_Dere Mable:_
I got the first real news for you Ive had since I joined the army. Were comin home toot sweet. Theres an outfit on its way up here now to relieve us. It certinly will relieve me. Just a couple of weeks longer an then no more square heads, no more flannel bandages around my legs, no more engins without cowcatchers. It wont seem right at first. I expect Ill feel like I was A.W.O.L. an run around the corner every time I see a policeman. Theres one man they neednt be afraid of ever startin any more wars an his names Smith. If I ever have a son an he so much as starts off with his left foot hes goin to have the worst lickin you ever heard of.
A General inspected us today. I cant help feelin sorry for his wife. She must spend most of her time lookin for a new hired girl. If he ever said anything nice to anybody I bet hed come back an apologize. Hes the kind of a fello that eats his own young.
Everybody knew the General wasnt comin over to hang no wreaths around nobodies neck. So we all slicked up pretty well to humor him.