Chapter 5

No sure Sir, H'as now no policie to bring him hither.

Leon:

Nor bring you to him, if my wit hold fair wife: Let's in to dinner.

[Exeunt.

[Enter _Perez_.]

Michael Perez:

Had I but lungs enough to bawl sufficiently, That all the queans in Christendom might hear me, 222] That men might run away from contagion, I had my wish; would it were most high treason, Most infinite high, for any man to marry, I mean for any man that would live handsomely, And like a Gentleman, in his wits and credit. What torments shall I put her to, _Phalaris_ bull now, Pox they love bulling too well, though they smoak for't. Cut her apieces? every piece will live still, And every morsel of her will do mischief; They have so many lives, there's no hanging of 'em, They are too light to drown, they are cork and feathers; To burn too cold, they live like Salamanders; Under huge heaps of stones to bury her, And so depress her as they did the Giants; She will move under more than built old Babel, I must destroy her.

[Enter _Cacafogo_, with a Casket.]

Cacafogo:

Be cozen'd by a thing of clouts, a she moth, That every silkmans shop breeds; to be cheated, And of a thousand duckets by a whim wham?

Michael Perez:

Who's that is cheated, speak again thou vision, But art thou cheated? minister some comfort: Tell me directly art thou cheated bravely? Come, prethee come, art thou so pure a coxcomb To be undone? do not dissemble with me, Tell me I conjure thee.

Cacafogo:

Then keep thy circle, For I am a spirit wild that flies about thee, And who e're thou art, if thou be'st humane, I'le let thee plainly know, I am cheated damnably.

Michael Perez:

Ha, ha, ha.

Cacafogo:

Dost thou laugh? damnably, I say most damnably.

Michael Perez:

By whom, good spirit speak, speak ha, ha, ha.

Cacafogo:

I will utter, laugh till thy lungs crack, by a rascal woman, A lewd, abominable, and plain woman. Dost thou laugh still?

Michael Perez:

I must laugh, prethee pardon me, I shall laugh terribly.

Cacafogo:

I shall be angry, terrible angry, I have cause. 223]

Michael Perez:

That's it, and 'tis no reason but thou shouldst be angry, Angry at heart, yet I must laugh still at thee. By a woman cheated? art' sure it was a woman?

Cacafogo:

I shall break thy head, my valour itches at thee.

Michael Perez:

It is no matter, by a woman cozen'd, A real woman?

Cacafogo:

A real Devil, Plague of her Jewels and her copper chains, How rank they smell.

Michael Perez:

Sweet cozen'd Sir let me see them, I have been cheated too, I would have you note that, And lewdly cheated, by a woman also, A scurvie woman, I am undone sweet Sir, Therefore I must have leave to [l]augh.

Cacafogo:

Pray ye take it, You are the merriest undone man in _Europe_. What need we fiddles, bawdy songs and sack, When our own miseries can make us merry?

Michael Perez:

Ha, ha, ha. I have seen these Jewels, what a notable penniworth Have you had next your heart? you will not take Sir Some twenty Duckets?

Cacafogo:

Thou art deceiv'd, I will take.

Michael Perez:

To clear your bargain now.

Cacafogo:

I'le take some ten, some any thing, some half ten, Half a Ducket.

Michael Perez:

An excellent lapidary set these stones sure, Do you mark their waters?

Cacafogo:

Quick-sand choak their waters, And hers that bought 'em too, but I shall find her.

Michael Perez:

And so shall I, I hope, but do not hurt her, You cannot find in all this Kingdom, (If you had need of cozening, as you may have, For such gross natures will desire it often, 'Tis at some time too a fine variety,) A woman that can cozen ye so neatly, She has taken half mine anger off with this trick.

[Exit.

Cacafogo:

If I were valiant now, I would kill this fellow, I have mony enough lies by me at a pinch To pay for twenty Rascals lives that vex me, 224] I'le to this Lady, there I shall be satisfied.

[Exit.

[Enter _Leon_, and _Margarita_.]

Leon:

Come, we'l away unto your country house, And there we'l learn to live contently, This place is full of charge, and full of hurry, No part of sweetness dwells about these cities.

Margarita:

Whither you will, I wait upon your pleasure; Live in a hollow tree Sir, I'le live with ye.

Leon:

I, now you strike a harmony, a true one, When your obedience waits upon your Husband, And your sick will aims at the care of honour, Why now I dote upon ye, love ye dearly, And my rough nature falls like roaring streams, Clearly and sweetly into your embraces. O what a Jewel is a woman excellent, A wise, a vertuous and a noble woman! When we meet such, we bear our stamps on both sides, And through the world we hold our currant virtues, Alone we are single medals, only faces, And wear our fortunes out in useless shadows, Command you now, and ease me of that trouble, I'le be as humble to you as a servant, Bid whom you please, invite your noble friends, They shall be welcome all, visit acquaintance, Goe at your pleasure, now experience Has link't you fast unto the chain of goodness: What noise is this, what dismal cry?

[Clashing swords. A cry within, down with their swords.]

Margarita:

'Tis loud too. Sure there's some mischief done i'th' street, look out there.

Leon:

Look out and help.

[Enter a _Servant_.]

Servant:

Oh Sir the Duke _Medina_.

Leon:

What of the Duke _Medina_?

Servant:

Oh sweet Gentleman, is almost slain.

Margarita:

Away away and help him, all the house help. [Exit _Servant_.

Leon:

How slain? why Margarita, Why wife, sure some new device they have a foot again, 225] Some trick upon my credit, I shall meet it, I had rather guide a ship Imperial Alone, and in a storm, than rule one woman.

[Enter Duke, _Margarita_, _Sanchio_, _Alonzo_, Servant.]

Margarita:

How came ye hurt Sir?

Duke of Medina:

I fell out with my friend the noble Coronel, My cause was naught, for 'twas about your honour: And he that wrongs the Innocent ne'r prospers, And he has left me thus for charity, Lend me a bed to ease my tortur'd body, That e're I perish I may show my penitence, I fear I am slain.

Leon:

Help Gentlemen to carry him, There shall be nothing in this house my Lord, But as your own.

Duke of Medina:

I thank ye noble Sir.

Leon:

To bed with him, and wife give your attendance.

[Enter _Juan_.]

Juan de Castro:

Doctors and Surgions.

Duke of Medina:

Do not disquiet me, But let me take my leave in peace.

[Ex. Duke, _Sanchio_, _Alon._ _Marg._ Servant.

Leon:

Afore me 'Tis rarely counterfeited.

Juan de Castro:

True, it is so Sir, And take you heed, this last blow do not spoil ye, He is not hurt, only we made a scuffle, As though we purpos'd anger; that same scratch On's hand he took, to colour all and draw compassion, That he might get into your house more cunningly. I must not stay, stand now, and y'are a brave fellow.

Leon:

I thank ye noble Coronel, and I honour ye. [Exit _Juan_.

Never be quiet?

[Enter _Margarita_.]

Margarita:

He's most desperate ill Sir, I do not think these ten months will recover him.

Leon:

Does he hire my house to play the fool in, 226] Or does it stand on Fairy ground, we are haunted, Are all men and their wives troubled with dreams thus?

Margarita:

What ail you Sir?

Leon:

Nay what ail you sweet wife, To put these daily pastimes on my patience? What dost thou see in me, that I should suffer thus, Have not I done my part like a true Husband, And paid some desperate debts you never look'd for?

Margarita:

You have done handsomely I must confess Sir.

Leon:

Have I not kept thee waking like a hawk? And watcht thee with delights to satisfy thee? The very tithes of which had won a Widow.

Margarita:

Alas I pity ye.

Leon:

Thou wilt make me angry, Thou never saw'st me mad yet.

Margarita:

You are alwaies, You carry a kind of bedlam still about ye.

Leon:

If thou pursuest me further I run stark mad, If you have more hurt Dukes or Gentlemen, To lye here on your cure, I shall be desperate, I know the trick, and you shall feel I know it, Are ye so hot that no hedge can contain ye? I'le have thee let blood in all the veins about thee, I'le have thy thoughts found too, and have them open'd, Thy spirits purg'd, for those are they that fire ye, Thy maid shall be thy Mistris, thou the maid, And all those servile labours that she reach at, And goe through cheerfully, or else sleep empty, That maid shall lye by me to teach you duty, You in a pallet by to humble ye, And grieve for what you lose.

Margarita:

I have lost my self Sir, And all that was my base self, disobedience,

[kneels.

My wantonness, my stubborness I have lost too, And now by that pure faith good wives are crown'd with, By your own nobleness.

[Enter _Altea_.]

Leon:

I take ye up, and wear ye next my heart, See you be worth it. Now what with you? 227]

Altea:

I come to tell my Lady, There is a fulsome fellow would fain speak with her.

Leon:

'Tis _Cacafogo_, goe and entertain him, And draw him on with hopes.

Margarita:

I shall observe ye.

Leon:

I have a rare design upon that Gentleman, And you must work too.

Altea:

I shall Sir most willingly.

Leon:

Away then both, and keep him close in some place From the Dukes sight, and keep the Duke in too, Make 'em believe both, I'le find time to cure 'em.

[Exeunt.

[Enter _Perez_, and _Estifania_, with a Pistol, and a Dagge[r].]

Michael Perez:

Why how darst thou meet me again thou rebel, And knowst how thou hast used me thrice, thou rascal? Were there not waies enough to fly my vengeance, No holes nor vaults to hide thee from my fury, But thou must meet me face to face to kill thee? I would not seek thee to destroy thee willingly, But now thou comest to invite me, And comest upon me, How like a sheep-biting Rogue taken i'th' manner, And ready for the halter dost thou look now! Thou hast a hanging look thou scurvy thing, hast ne'r a knife Nor ever a string to lead thee to Elysium? Be there no pitifull 'Pothecaries in this town, That have compassion upon wretched women, And dare administer a dram of rats-bane, But thou must fall to me?

Estifania:

I know you have mercy.

Michael Perez:

If I had tuns of mercy thou deserv'st none, What new trick is now afoot, and what new houses Have you i'th' air, what orchards in apparition, What canst thou say for thy life?

Estifania:

Little or nothing, I know you'l kill me, and I know 'tis useless To beg for mercy, pray let me draw my book out, And pray a little.

Michael Perez:

Do, a very little, For I have farther business than thy killing, 228] I have mony yet to borrow, speak when you are ready.

Estifania:

Now now Sir, now, [shews a Pistol.

Come on, do you start off from me, Do you swear great Captain, have you seen a spirit?

Michael Perez:

Do you wear guns?

Estifania:

I am a Souldiers wife Sir, And by that priviledge I may be arm'd, Now what's the news, and let's discourse more friendly, And talk of our affairs in peace.

Michael Perez:

Let me see, Prethee let me see thy gun, 'tis a very pretty one.

Estifania:

No no Sir, you shall feel.

Michael Perez:

Hold ye villain, what thine own Husband?

Estifania:

Let mine own Husband then Be in's own wits, there, there's a thousand duckets, Who must provide for you, and yet you'l kill me.

Michael Perez:

I will not hurt thee for ten thousand millio[n]s.

Estifania:

When will you redeem your Jewels, I have pawn'd 'em, You see for what, we must keep touch.

Michael Perez:

I'le kiss thee, And get as many more, I'le make thee famous, Had we the house now!

Estifania:

Come along with me, If that be vanish't there be more to hire Sir.

Michael Perez:

I see I am an asse when thou art near me.

[]

[Enter _Leon_, _Margarita_, and _Altea_, with a Taper.]

Leon:

Is the fool come?

Altea:

Yes and i'th' celler fast, And there he staies his good hour till I call him, He will make dainty musick among the sack-butts, I have put him just, Sir, under the Dukes chamber.

Leon:

It is the better.

Altea:

Has given me royally, And to my Lady a whole load of portigues.

Leon:

Better and better still, go _Margarita_, Now play your prize, you say you dare be honest, I'le put ye to your best.

Margarita:

Secure your self Sir, give me the candle, 229] Pass away in silence.

[Ex. _Leon_ and _Altea_. She knocks.

Duke of Medina:

Who's there, oh oh.

Margarita:

My Lord,

Duke of Medina within:

Have ye brought me comfort?

Margarita:

I have my Lord. Come forth 'tis I, come gently out I'le help ye,

[Enter _Duke_, in a gown.]

Come softly too, how do you?

Duke of Medina:

Are there none here? Let me look round; we cannot be too wary,

[noise below.

Oh let me bless this hour, are you alone sweet friend?

Margarita:

Alone to comfort you. [_Cacafogo_ makes a noise below.

Duke of Medina:

What's that you tumble? I have heard a noise this half hour under me, A fearfull noise.

Margarita:

The fat thing's mad i'th' celler, And stumbles from one hogs-head to another, Two cups more, and he ne'r shall find the way out. What do you fear? come, sit down by me chearfully, My Husband's safe, how do your wounds?

Duke of Medina:

I have none Lady, My wounds I counterfeited cunningly,

[noise below.

And feign'd the quarrel too, to injoy you sweet, Let's lose no time, heark the same noise again.

Margarita:

What noise, why look ye pale? I hear no stirring, This goblin in the vault will be so tipled. You are not well I know by your flying fancy, Your body's ill at ease, your wounds.

Duke of Medina:

I have none, I am as lusty and as full of health, High in my blood.

Margarita:

Weak in your blood you would say, How wretched is my case, willing to please ye, And find you so disable?

Duke of Medina:

Believe me Lady.

Margarita:

I know you will venture all you have to satisfy me, Your life I know, but is it fit I spoil ye, Is it my love do you think?

Cacafogo below:

Here's to the Duke. 230]

Duke of Medina:

It nam'd me certainly, I heard it plainly sound.

Margarita:

You are hurt mortally, And fitter for your prayers Sir than pleasure, What starts you make? I would not kiss you wantonly, For the world's wealth; have I secur'd my Husband, And put all doubts aside to be deluded?

Cacafogo below:

I come, I come.

Duke of Medina:

Heaven bless me.

Margarita:

And bless us both, for sure this is the Devil, I plainly heard it now, he will come to fetch ye, A very spirit, for he spoke under ground, And spoke to you just as you would have snatcht me, You are a wicked man, and sure this haunts ye, Would you were out o'th' house.

Duke of Medina:

I would I were, O' that condition I had leapt a window.

Margarita:

And that's the least leap if you mean to scape Sir, Why what a frantick man were you to come here, What a weak man to counterfeit deep wounds, To wound another deeper!

Duke of Medina:

Are you honest then?

Margarita:

Yes then and now, and ever, and excellent honest, And exercise this pastime but to shew ye, Great men are fools sometimes as well as wretches. Would you were well hurt, with any hope of life, Cut to the brains, or run clean through the body, To get out quietly as you got in Sir, I wish it like a friend that loves ye dearly, For if my Husband take ye, and take ye thus a counterfeit, One that would clip his credit out of his honour, He must kill ye presently, There is no mercy nor an hour of pity, And for me to intreat in such an agony, Would shew me little better than one guilty, Have you any mind to a Lady now?

Duke of Medina:

Would I were off fair, If ever Lady caught me in a trap more.

Margarita:

If you be well and lusty, fy fy shake not, You say you love me, come, come bravely now, 231] Despise all danger, I am ready for ye.

Duke of Medina:

She mocks my misery, thou cruel Lady.

Margarita:

Thou cruel Lord, wouldst thou betray my honesty, Betray it in mine own house, wrong my Husband, Like a night thief, thou darst not name by day-light?

Duke of Medina:

I am most miserable.

Margarita:

You are indeed, And like a foolish thing you have made your self so, Could not your own discretion tell ye Sir, When I was married I was none of yours? Your eyes were then commanded to look off me, And I now stand in a circle and secure, Your spells nor power can never reach my body, Mark me but this, and then Sir be most miserable, 'Tis sacriledge to violate a wedlock, You rob two Temples, make your self twice guilty, You ruine hers, and spot her noble Husbands.

Duke of Medina:

Let me be gone, I'le never more attempt ye.

Margarita:

You cannot goe, 'tis not in me to save ye, Dare ye do ill, and poorly then shrink under it? Were I the Duke _Medina_, I would fight now, For you must fight and bravely, it concerns you, You do me double wrong if you sneak off Sir, And all the world would say I lov'd a coward, And you must dye too, for you will be kill'd, And leave your youth, your honour and your state, And all those dear delights you worship't here.

[Noise below.

Duke of Medina:

The noise again!

Cacafogo below:

Some small beer if you love me.

Margarita:

The Devil haunts you sure, your sins are mighty. A drunken Devil too, to plague your villany.

Duke of Medina:

Preserve me but this once.

Margarita:

There's a deep well In the next yard, if you dare venture drowning, It is but dea[t]h.

Duke of Medina:

I would not dye so wretchedly.

Margarita:

Out of a garret window I'le let you down then, But say the rope be rotten, 'tis huge high too.

Duke of Medina:

Have you no mercy?

Margarita:

Now you are frighted throughly, 232] And find what 'tis to play the fool in folly, And see with clear eyes your detested folly, I'le be your guard.

Duke of Medina:

And I'le be your true servant, Ever from this hour vertuously to love ye, Chastly and modestly to look upon ye, And here I seal it.

Margarita:

I may kiss a stranger, for you must now be so.

[Enter _Leon_, _Juan_, _Alonzo_, _Sanchio_.]

Leon:

How do you my Lord, Me thinks you look but poorly on this matter. Has my wife wounded ye, you were well before, Pray Sir be comforted, I have forgot all, Truly forgiven too, wife you are a right one, And now with unknown nations I dare trust ye.

Juan de Castro:

No more feign'd fights my Lord, they never prosper.

Leon:

Who's this? the Devil in the vault?

Altea:

'Tis he Sir, and as lovingly drunk, as though he had studied it.

Cacafogo:

Give me a cup of Sack, and kiss me Lady, Kiss my sweet face, and make thy Husband cuckold, An Ocean of sweet Sack, shall we speak treason?

Leon:

He is Devilish drunk.

Duke of Medina:

I had thought he had been a Devil. He made as many noises and as horrible.

Leon:

Oh a true lover Sir will lament loudly, Which of the butts is your Mistris?

Cacafogo:

Butt in thy belly.

Leon:

There's two in thine I am sure, 'tis grown so monstrous.

Cacafogo:

Butt in thy face.

Leon:

Go carry him to sleep, A fools love should be drunk, he has paid well for't too. When he is sober let him out to rail, Or hang himself, there will be no loss of him.

[Exit _Caca._ and Servant.

[Enter _Perez_, and _Estifania_.]

Leon:

Who's this? my Mauhound cousin?

Michael Perez:

Good Sir, 'tis very good, would I had a house too, For there is no talking in the open air, 233] My Tarmogant Couz, I would be bold to tell ye, I durst be merry too; I tell you plainly, You have a pretty seat, you have the luck on't, A pretty Lady too, I have mist both, My Carpenter built in a mist I thank him, Do me the courtesie to let me see it, See it but once more. But I shall cry for anger. I'le hire a Chandlers shop close under ye, And for my foolerie, sell sope and whip-cord, Nay if you do not laugh now and laugh heartily, You are a fool couz.

Leon:

I must laugh a little, And now I have done, couz thou shalt live with me, My merry couz, the world shall not divorce us, Thou art a valiant man, and thou shalt never want, Will this content thee?

Michael Perez:

I'le cry, and then I'le be thankfull, Indeed I will, and I'le be honest to ye. I would live a swallow here I must confess. Wife I forgive thee all if thou be honest, At thy peril, I believe thee excellent.

Estifania:

If I prove otherwaies, let me beg first, Hold, this is yours, some recompence for service, Use it to nobler ends than he that gave it.

Duke of Medina:

And this is yours, your true commission, Sir, Now you are a Captain.

Leon:

You are a noble Prince Sir, And now a souldier, Gentleman, we all rejoyce in't.

Juan de Castro:

Sir, I shall wait upon you through all fortunes.

Alonzo:

And I.

Altea:

And I must needs attend my Mistris.

Leon:

Will you goe Sister?

Altea:

Yes indeed good Brother, I have two ties, mine own bloud, And my Mistris.

Margarita:

Is she your Sister?

Leon:

Yes indeed good wife, And my best Sister, For she prov'd so, wench, When she deceiv'd you with a loving Husband. 234]

Altea:

I would not deal so truly for a stranger.

Margarita:

Well I could chide ye, But it must be lovingly and like a Sister, I'le bring you on your way, and feast ye nobly, For now I have an honest heart to love ye, And then deliver you to the blue _Neptune_.

Juan de Castro:

Your colours you must wear, and wear 'em proudly, Wear 'em before the bullet, and in bloud too, And all the world shall know We are Vertues servants.

Duke of Medina:

_And all the world shall know, a noble mind_ _Makes women beautifull, and envie blind._

[Exeunt.

Prologue.