Chapter 3

See you preserve him thus upon my favour, You know his temper, tye him to the grindstone, The next rebellion I'le be rid of him, I'le have no needy Rascals I tye to me, Dispute my life: come in and see all handsom.

Altea:

I hope to see you so too, I have wrought ill else. [Exeunt.

[Enter _Perez_.]

Michael Perez:

Shall I never return to mine own house again? We are lodg'd here in the miserablest dog-hole, A Conjurers circle gives content above it, A hawks mew is a princely palace to it, We have a bed no bigger than a basket, And there we lie like butter clapt together, And sweat our selves to sawce immediately, The fumes are infinite inhabite here too; And to that so thick, they cut like marmalet, So various too, they'l pose a gold-finder, Never return to mine own paradise? 197] Why wife I say, why _Estifania_.

Estifania [within]:

I am going presently.

Michael Perez:

Make haste good Jewel, I am like the people that live in the sweet Islands: I dye, I dye, if I stay but one day more here, My lungs are rotten with the damps that rise, And I cough nothing now but stinks of all sorts, The inhabitants we have are two starv'd rats, For they are not able to maintain a cat here, And those appear as fearfull as two Devils, They have eat a map of the whole world up already, And if we stay a night we are gone for company. There's an old woman that's now grown to marble, Dri'd in this brick hill, and she sits i'th' chimnie, Which is but three tiles rais'd like a house of cards, The true proportion of an old smok'd Sibyl, There is a young thing too that nature meant For a maid-servant, but 'tis now a monster, She has a husk about her like a chesnut With basiness, and living under the line here, And these two make a hollow sound together, Like frogs or winds between two doors that murmur:

[Enter _Estifania_.]

Mercy deliver me. O are you come wife, Shall we be free again?

Estifania:

I am now going, And you shall presently to your own house Sir, The remembrance of this small vexation Will be argument of mirth for ever: By that time you have said your orisons, And broke your fast, I shall be back and ready, To usher you to your old content, your freedom.

Michael Perez:

Break my neck rather, is there any thing here to eat But one another, like a race of Cannibals? A piece of butter'd wall you think is excellent, Let's have our house again immediatly, And pray ye take heed unto the furniture, None be imbezil'd.

Estifania:

Not a pin I warrant ye. 198]

Michael Perez:

And let 'em instantly depart.

Estifania:

They shall both, There's reason in all courtesies, they must both, For by this time I know she has acquainted him, And has provided too, she sent me word Sir, And will give over gratefully unto you.

Michael Perez:

I'le walk i'th' Church-yard, The dead cannot offend more than these living, An hour hence I'le expect ye.

Estifania:

I'le not fail Sir.

Michael Perez:

And do you hear, let's have a handsom dinner, And see all things be decent as they have been, And let me have a strong bath to restore me, I stink like a stal-fish shambles, or an oyl-shop.

Estifania:

You shall have all, which some interpret nothing, I'le send ye people for the trunks afore-hand, And for the stuff.

Michael Perez:

Let 'em be known and honest, And do my service to your niece.

Estifania:

I shall Sir, But if I come not at my hour, come thither, That they may give you thanks for your fair courtesy, And pray ye be brave for my sake.

Michael Perez:

I observe ye. [Exeunt.

[Enter _Juan de Castro_, _Sancho_, and _Cacafogo_.]

Sanchio:

Thou art very brave.

Cacafogo:

I have reason, I have mony.

Sanchio:

Is mony reason?

Cacafogo:

Yes and rime too Captain, If ye have no mony y'are an Asse.

Sanchio:

I thank ye.

Cacafogo:

Ye have manners, ever thank him that has mony.

Sanchio:

Wilt thou lend me any?

Cacafogo:

Not a farthing Captain, Captains are casual things.

Sanchio:

Why so are all men, thou shalt have my bond.

Cacafogo:

Nor bonds nor fetters Captain, My mony is mine, I make no doubt on't.

Juan de Castro:

What dost thou do with it? 199]

Cacafogo:

Put it to pious uses, Buy Wine and Wenches, and undo young Coxcombs That would undo me.

Juan de Castro:

Are those Hospitals?

Cacafogo:

I first provide to fill my Hospitals With Creatures of mine own, that I know wretched, And then I build: those are more bound to pray for me: Besides, I keep th' inheritance in my Name still.

Juan de Castro:

A provident Charity; are you for the Wars, Sir?

Cacafogo:

I am not poor enough to be a Souldier, Nor have I faith enough to ward a Bullet; This is no lining for a trench, I take it.

Juan de Castro:

Ye have said wisely.

Cacafogo:

Had you but my money, You would swear it Colonel, I had rather drill at home A hundred thousand Crowns, and with more honour, Than exercise ten thousand Fools with nothing, A wise Man safely feeds, Fools cut their fingers.

Sanchio:

A right State Usurer; why dost thou not marry, And live a reverend Justice?

Cacafogo:

Is't not nobler to command a reverend Justice, than to be one? And for a Wife, what need I marry, Captain, When every courteous Fool that owes me money, Owes me his Wife too, to appease my fury?

Juan de Castro:

Wilt thou go to dinner with us?

Cacafogo:

I will go, and view the Pearl of _Spain_, the Orient Fair One, the rich One too, and I will be respected, I bear my Patent here, I will talk to her, And when your Captain's Ships shall stand aloof, And pick your Noses, I will pick the purse Of her affection.

Juan de Castro:

The Duke dines there to day too, the Duke of _Medina_.

Cacafogo:

Let the King dine there, He owes me money, and so far's my Creature, And certainly I may make bold with mine own, Captain?

Sanchio:

Thou wilt eat monstrously.

Cacafogo:

Like a true born _Spaniard_, Eat as I were in _England_ where the Beef grows, And I will drink abundantly, and then Talk ye as wantonly as _Ovid_ did, 200] To stir the Intellectuals of the Ladies; I learnt it of my Father's amorous Scrivener.

Juan de Castro:

If we should play now, you must supply me.

Cacafogo:

You must pawn a Horse troop, And then have at ye Colonel.

Sanchio:

Come, let's go: This Rascal will make rare sport; how the Ladies Will laugh at him?

Juan de Castro:

If I light on him I'll make his Purse sweat too.

Cacafogo:

Will ye lead, Gentlemen? [Exeunt.

[Enter _Perez_, an old Woman, and Maid.]

Michael Perez:

Nay, pray ye come out, and let me understand ye, And tune your pipe a little higher, Lady; I'll hold ye fast: rub, how came my Trunks open? And my Goods gone, what Pick-lock Spirit?

Old Woman:

Ha, what would ye have?

Michael Perez:

My Goods again, how came my Trunks all open?

Old Woman:

Are your Trunks open?

Michael Perez:

Yes, and Cloaths gone, And Chains, and Jewels: how she smells like hung Beef, The Palsey, and Picklocks, fye, how she belches, The Spirit of Garlick.

Old Woman:

Where's your Gentlewoman? The young fair Woman?

Michael Perez:

What's that to my question? She is my wife, and gone about my business.

Maid:

Is she your Wife, Sir?

Michael Perez:

Yes Sir, is that wonder? Is the name of Wife unknown here?

Old Woman:

Is she truly, truly your Wife?

Michael Perez:

I think so, for I married her; It was no Vision sure!

Maid:

She has the Keys, Sir.

Michael Perez:

I know she has, but who has all my goods, Spirit?

Old Woman:

If you be married to that Gentlewoman, You are a wretched man, she has twenty Husbands.

Maid:

She tells you true.

Old Woman:

And she has cozen'd all, Sir.

Michael Perez:

The Devil she has! I had a fair house with her, 201] That stands hard by, and furnisht royally.

Old Woman:

You are cozen'd too, 'tis none of hers, good Gentleman.

Maid:

The Lady _Margarita_, she was her Servant, And kept the house, but going from her, Sir, For some lewd tricks she plaid.

Michael Perez:

Plague o' the Devil, Am I i'th' full Meridian of my Wisedom Cheated by a stale Quean! what kind of Lady Is that that owes the House?

Old Woman:

A young sweet Lady.

Michael Perez:

Of a low stature?

Old Woman:

She is indeed but little, but she is wondrous fair.

Michael Perez:

I feel I am cozen'd; Now I am sensible I am undone, This is the very Woman sure, that Cousin She told me would entreat but for four days, To make the house hers; I am entreated sweetly.

Maid:

When she went out this morning, that I saw, Sir, She had two Women at the door attending, And there she gave 'em things, and loaded 'em, But what they were--I heard your Trunks to open, If they be yours?

Michael Perez:

They were mine while they were laden, But now they have cast their Calves, they are not worth Owning: was she her Mistress say you?

Old Woman:

Her own Mistress, her very Mistress, Sir, and all you saw About and in that house was hers.

Michael Perez:

No Plate, no Jewels, nor no Hangings?

Maid:

Not a farthing, she is poor, Sir, a poor shifting thing.

Michael Perez:

No money?

Old Woman:

Abominable poor, as poor as we are, Money as rare to her unless she steal it, But for one civil Gown her Lady gave her, She may go bare, good Gentlewoman.

Michael Perez:

I am mad now, I think I am as poor as she, I am wide else, One civil Sute I have left too, and that's all, And if she steal that she must fley me for it; Where does she use?

Old Woman:

You may find truth as soon, 202] Alas, a thousand conceal'd corners, Sir, she lurks in. And here she gets a fleece, and there another, And lives in mists and smoaks where none can find her.

Michael Perez:

Is she a Whore too?

Old Woman:

Little better, Gentleman, I dare not say she is so Sir, because She is yours, Sir, these five years she has firkt A pretty Living, Until she came to serve; I fear he will knock my Brains out for lying.

Michael Perez:

She has serv'd me faithfully, A Whore and Thief? two excellent moral learnings In one she-Saint, I hope to see her legend. Have I been fear'd for my discoveries, And courted by all Women to conceal 'em? Have I so long studied the art of this Sex, And read the warnings to young Gentlemen? Have I profest to tame the Pride of Ladies, And make 'em bear all tests, and am I trickt now? Caught in mine own nooze? here's a royal left yet, There's for your lodging and your meat for this Week. A silk Worm lives at a more plentiful ordinary, And sleeps in a sweeter Box: farewel great Grandmother, If I do find you were an accessary, 'Tis but the cutting off too smoaky minutes, I'll hang ye presently.

Old Woman:

And I deserve it, I tell but truth.

Michael Perez:

Not I, I am an Ass, Mother. [Exeunt.

[Enter the Duke of _Medina_, _Juan de Castro_, _Alonzo_, _Sanchio_, _Cacafogo_. Attendants.]

Duke of Medina:

A goodly house.

Juan de Castro:

And richly furnisht too, Sir.

Alonzo:

Hung wantonly, I like that preparation, It stirs the blood unto a hopeful Banquet, And intimates the Mistress free and jovial, I love a house where pleasure prepares welcome.

Duke of Medina:

Now Cacafogo, how like you this mansion? 'Twere a brave Pawn.

Cacafogo:

I shall be master of it, 'Twas built for my bulk, the rooms are wide and spacious, 203] Airy and full of ease, and that I love well, I'll tell you when I taste the Wine, my Lord, And take the height of her Table with my Stomach, How my affections stand to the young Lady.

[Enter _Margarita_, _Altea_, Ladies, and Servants.]

Margarita:

All welcome to your Grace, and to these Souldiers, You honour my poor house with your fair presence, Those few slight pleasures that inhabit here, Sir, I do beseech your Grace command, they are yours, Your servant but preserves 'em to delight ye.

Duke of Medina:

I thank ye Lady, I am bold to visit ye, Once more to bless mine eyes with your sweet Beauty, 'T has been a long night since you left the Court, For till I saw you now, no day broke to me.

Margarita:

Bring in the Dukes meat.

Sanchio:

She is most excellent.

Juan de Castro:

Most admirable fair as e'r I look'd upon, I had rather command her than my Regiment.

Cacafogo:

I'll have a fling, 'tis but a thousand Duckets, Which I can cozen up again in ten days, And some few Jewels to justifie my Knavery, Say, I should marry her, she'll get more money Than all my Usury, put my Knavery to it, She appears the most infallible way of Purchase, I you'd wish her a size or two stronger for the encounter, For I am like a Lion where I lay hold, But these Lambs will endure a plaguy load, And never bleat neither, that Sir, time has taught us, I am so vertuous now, I cannot speak to her, The arrant'st shamefac'd Ass, I broil away too.

[Enter _Leon_.]

Margarita:

Why, where's this dinner?

Leon:

'Tis not ready, Madam, Nor shall not be until I know the Guests too, Nor are they fairly welcome till I bid 'em.

Juan de Castro:

Is not this my _Alferes_? he looks another thing; Are miracles afoot again?

Margarita:

Why, Sirrah, why Sirrah, you? 204]

Leon:

I hear you, saucy Woman, And as you are my Wife, command your absence, And know your duty, 'tis the Crown of modesty.

Duke of Medina:

Your Wife?

Leon:

Yes good my Lord, I am her Husband, And pray take notice that I claim that honour, And will maintain it.

Cacafogo:

It thou beest her Husband, I am determin'd thou shalt be my Cuckold, I'll be thy faithful friend.

Leon:

Peace, dirt and dunghil, I will not lose my anger on a Rascal, Provoke me more, I'll beat thy blown body Till thou rebound'st again like a Tennis-Ball.

Alonzo:

This is miraculous.

Sanchio:

Is this the Fellow That had the patience to become a Fool, A flurted Fool, and on a sudden break, As if he would shew a wonder to the World, Both in Bravery, and Fortune too? I much admire the man, I am astonisht.

Margarita:

I'll be divorced immediately.

Leon:

You shall not, You shall not have so much will to be wicked. I am more tender of your honour, Lady, And of your Age, you took me for a shadow; You took me to gloss over your discredit, To be your Fool, you had thought you had found a Coxcomb; I am innocent of any foul dishonour I mean to ye. Only I will be known to be your Lord now, And be a fair one too, or I will fall for't.

Margarita:

I do command ye from me, thou poor fellow, Thou cozen'd Fool.

Leon:

Thou cozen'd Fool? 'tis not so, I will not be commanded: I am above ye: You may divorce me from your favour, Lady, But from your state you never shall, I'll hold that, And then maintain your wantonness, I'll wink at it.

Margarita:

Am I braved thus in mine own house?

Leon:

'Tis mine, Madam, 205] You are deceiv'd, I am Lord of it, I rule it and all that's in't; You have nothing to do here, Madam; But as a Servant to sweep clean the Lodgings, And at my farther will to do me service, And so I'll keep it.

Margarita:

As you love me, give way.

Leon:

It shall be better, I will give none, Madam, I stand upon the ground of mine own Honour, And will maintain it, you shall know me now To be an understanding feeling man, And sensible of what a Woman aims at, A young proud Woman that has Will to sail with, An itching Woman, that her blood provokes too, I cast my Cloud off, and appear my self, The master of this little piece of mischief, And I will put a Spell about your feet, Lady, They shall not wander but where I give way now.

Duke of Medina:

Is this the Fellow that the People pointed at, For the meer sign of man, the walking Image? He speaks wondrous highly.

Leon:

As a Husband ought, Sir, In his own house, and it becomes me well too, I think your Grace would grieve if you were put to it To have a Wife or Servant of your own, (For Wives are reckon'd in the rank of Servants,) Under your own roof to command ye.

Juan de Castro:

Brave, a strange Conversion, thou shalt lead In chief now.

Duke of Medina:

Is there no difference betwixt her and you, Sir?

Leon:

Not now, Lord, my Fortune makes me even, And as I am an honest man, I am nobler.

Margarita:

Get me my Coach.

Leon:

Let me see who dares get it Till I command, I'll make him draw your Coach too, And eat your Coach, (which will be hard diet) That executes your Will; or take your Coach, Lady, I give you liberty, and take your People Which I turn off, and take your Will abroad with ye, Take all these freely, but take me no more, 206] And so farewel.

Duke of Medina:

Nay, Sir, you shall not carry it So bravely off, you shall not wrong a Lady In a high huffing strain, and think to bear it, We stand not by as Bawds to your brave fury, To see a Lady weep.

Leon:

They are tears of anger, I beseech ye note 'em, not worth pity, Wrung from her rage, because her Will prevails not, She would swound now if she could not cry, Else they were excellent, and I should grieve too, But falling thus, they show nor sweet nor orient. Put up my Lord, this is oppression, And calls the Sword of Justice to relieve me, The law to lend her hand, the King to right me, All which shall understand how you provoke me, In mine own house to brave me, is this princely? Then to my Guard, and if I spare your Grace, And do not make this place your Monument, Too rich a Tomb for such a rude behaviour, I have a Cause will kill a thousand of ye, mercy forsake me.

Juan de Castro:

Hold, fair Sir, I beseech ye, The Gentleman but pleads his own right nobly.

Leon:

He that dares strike against the husbands freedom, The Husbands Curse stick to him, a tam'd Cuckold, His Wife be fair and young, but most dishonest, Most impudent, and have no feeling of it, No conscience to reclaim her from a Monster, Let her lye by him like a flattering ruine, And at one instant kill both Name and Honour, Let him be lost, no eye to weep his end, Nor find no earth that's base enough to bury him. Now Sir, fall on, I am ready to oppose ye.

Duke of Medina:

I have better thought, I pray Sir use your Wife well.

Leon:

Mine own humanity will teach me that, Sir, And now you are all welcome, all, and we'll to dinner, This is my Wedding-day.

Duke of Medina:

I'll cross your joy yet.

Juan de Castro:

I made seen a miracle, hold thine own, Souldier, Sure they dare fight in fire that conquer Women.

Sanchio:

H'as beaten all my loose thoughts out of me, 207] As if he had thresht 'em out o'th' husk.

[Enter _Perez_.]

Michael Perez:

'Save ye, which is the Lady of the house?

Leon:

That's she, Sir, that pretty Lady, If you would speak with her.

Juan de Castro:

_Don Michael_, _Leon_, another darer come.

Michael Perez:

Pray do not know me, I am full of business, When I have more time I'll be merry with ye. It is the Woman: good Madam, tell me truly, Had you a Maid call'd _Estifania_?

Margarita:

Yes truly, had I.

Michael Perez:

Was she a Maid do you think?

Margarita:

I dare not swear for her, For she had but a scant Fame.

Michael Perez:

Was she your Kinswoman?

Margarita:

Not that I ever knew, now I look better I think you married her, 'give you joy, Sir, You may reclaim her, 'twas a wild young Girl.

Michael Perez:

Give me a halter: is not this house mine, Madam? Was not she owner of it, pray speak truly?

Margarita:

No, certainly, I am sure my money paid for it, And I ne'r remember yet I gave it you, Sir.

Michael Perez:

The Hangings and the Plate too?

Margarita:

All are mine, Sir, And every thing you see about the building, She only kept my house when I was absent, And so ill kept it, I was weary of her.

Sanchio:

What a Devil ails he?

Juan de Castro:

He's possest I'll assure you.

Michael Perez:

Where is your Maid?

Margarita:

Do not you know that have her? She is yours now, why should I look after her? Since that first hour I came I never saw her.

Michael Perez:

I saw her later, would the Devil had had her, It is all true I find, a wild-fire take her.

Juan de Castro:

Is thy Wife with Child, _Don Michael_? thy excellent wife. Art thou a Man yet?

Alonzo:

When shall we come and visit thee?

Sanchio:

And eat some rare fruit? thou hast admirable Orchards, 208] You are so jealous now, pox o' your jealousie, How scurvily you look!

Michael Perez:

Prithee leave fooling, I am in no humour now to fool and prattle, Did she ne'r play the wag with you?

Margarita:

Yes many times, so often that I was asham'd to keep her, But I forgave her, Sir, in hope she would mend still, And had not you o'th' instant married her, I had put her off.

Michael Perez:

I thank ye, I am blest still, Which way so e'r I turn I am a made man, Miserably gull'd beyond recovery.

Juan de Castro:

You'll stay and dine?

Michael Perez:

Certain I cannot, Captain, Hark in thine ear, I am the arrantst Puppy, The miserablest Ass, but I must leave ye, I am in haste, in haste, bless you, good Madam, And you prove as good as my Wife.

[Exit.

Leon:

Will you come near, Sir, will your Grace but honour me, And taste our dinner? you are nobly welcome, All anger's past I hope, and I shall serve ye.

Juan de Castro:

Thou art the stock of men, and I admire thee. [Ex.

Actus Quartus

Scena Prima.

[Enter _Perez_.]

Michael Perez:

I'll go to a Conjurer but I'll find this Pol-cat, This pilfering Whore: a plague of Vails, I cry, And covers for the impudence of Women, Their sanctity in show will deceive Devils, It is my evil Angel, let me bless me.

[Enter _Estifania_ with a Casket.]

Estifania:

'Tis he, I am caught, I must stand to it stoutly, And show no shake of fear, I see he is angry, Vext at the uttermost.

Michael Perez:

My worthy Wife, I have been looking of your modesty All the town over. 209]

Estifania:

My most noble Husband, I am glad I have found ye, for in truth I am weary, Weary and lame with looking out your Lordship.

Michael Perez:

I have been in Bawdy Houses.

Estifania:

I believe you, and very lately too.

Michael Perez: