Chapter 13

A lady is not expected to keep aloof from society on her engagement, nor to debar herself from the customary attentions and courtesies of her male acquaintances generally; but she should, while accepting them cheerfully, maintain such a prudent reserve, as to intimate that they are viewed by her as mere acts of ordinary courtesy and friendship. In all places of public amusement--at balls, the opera, &c.--for a lady to be seen with any other cavalier than her avowed lover in close attendance upon her would expose her to the imputation of flirtation. She will naturally take pains at such a period to observe the taste of her lover in regard to her costume, and strive carefully to follow it, for all men desire to have their taste and wishes on such apparent trifles gratified. She should at the same time observe much delicacy in regard to dress, and be careful to avoid any unseemly display of her charms: lovers are naturally jealous of observation under such circumstances. It is a mistake not seldom made by women, to suppose their suitors will be pleased by the glowing admiration expressed by other men for the object of _their_ passion. Most lovers, on the contrary, we believe, would prefer to withdraw their prize from general observation until the happy moment for their union has arrived.

_Conduct of the Gentleman towards the Family of his Betrothed_.

The lover, having now secured his position, should use discretion and tact in his intercourse with the lady's family, and take care that his visits be not deemed too frequent--so as to be really inconvenient to them. He should accommodate himself as much as possible to their habits and ways, and be ever ready and attentive to consult their wishes. Marked attention, and in most cases affectionate kindness, to the lady's mother ought to be shown: such respectful homage will secure for him many advantages in his present position. He must not, however, presume to take his stand yet as a member of the family, nor exhibit an obtrusive familiarity in manner and conversation. Should a disruption of the engagement from some unexpected cause ensue, it is obvious that any such premature assumption would lead to very embarrassing results. In short, his conduct should be such as to win for himself the esteem and affection of all the family, and dispose them ever to welcome and desire his presence, rather than regard him as an intruder.

_Conduct of the Lady on Retiring from her Engagement_.

Should this step unhappily be found necessary on the lady's part, the truth should be spoken, and the reasons frankly given: there must be no room left for the suspicion of its having originated in caprice or injustice. The case should be so put that the gentleman himself must see and acknowledge the justice of the painful decision arrived at. Incompatible habits, ungentlemanly actions, anything tending to diminish that respect for the lover which should be felt for the husband; inconstancy, ill-governed temper--all which, not to mention other obvious objections--are to be considered as sufficient reasons for terminating an engagement. The communication should be made as tenderly as possible: room may be left in mere venial cases for reformation; but all that is done must be so managed that not the slightest shadow of fickleness or want of faith may rest upon the character of the lady. It must be remembered, however, that the termination of an engagement by a lady has the privilege of passing unchallenged,--a lady not being _bound_ to declare any other reason than her will. Nevertheless she owes it to her own reputation that her decision should rest on a sufficient foundation, and be unmistakably pronounced.

_Conduct of the Gentleman on Retiring from his Engagement_.

We hardly know how to approach this portion of our subject. The reasons must be strong indeed that can sufficiently justify a man, placed in the position of an accepted suitor, in severing the ties by which he has bound himself to a lady with the avowed intention of making her his wife. His reasons for breaking off his engagement must be such as will not merely satisfy his own conscience, but will justify him in the eyes of the world. If the fault be on the lady's side, great reserve and delicacy will be observed by any man of honour. If, on the other hand, the imperative force of circumstances, such as loss of fortune, or some other unexpected calamity to himself, may be the cause, then must the reason be clearly and fully explained, in such a manner as to soothe the painful feelings which such a result must necessarily occasion to the lady and her friends. It is scarcely necessary to point out the necessity for observing great caution in all that relates to the antecedents of an engagement that has been broken off; especially the return on either side of presents and of all letters that have passed.

This last allusion brings us to the consideration of

_Correspondence_.

Letter-writing is one great test of ability and cultivation, as respects both sexes. The imperfections of education may be to some extent concealed or glossed over in conversation, but cannot fail to stand out conspicuously in a letter. An ill-written letter infallibly betrays the vulgarity and ignorance indicative of a mean social position.

But there is something more to be guarded against than even bad writing and worse spelling in a correspondence: _saying too much_--writing that kind of matter which will not bear to be read by other eyes than those for which it was originally intended. That this is too frequently done is amply proved by the love letters often read in a court of law, the most affecting passages from which occasion "roars of laughter" and the derisive comments of merry-making counsel. Occurrences of this kind prove how frequently letters are not returned or burnt when an affair of the heart is broken off. Correspondence between lovers should at all events be tempered with discretion; and, on the lady's part particularly, her affectionate expressions should not degenerate into a silly style of fondness.

It is as well to remark here, that in correspondence between a couple not actually engaged, the use of Christian names in addressing each other should be avoided.

_Demeanour of the Suitor during Courtship_.

The manners of a gentleman are ever characterized by urbanity and a becoming consideration for the feelings and wishes of others, and by a readiness to practise self-denial. But the very nature of courtship requires the fullest exercise of these excellent qualities on his part. The lover should carefully accommodate his tone and bearing, whether cheerful or serious, to the mood for the time of his lady-love, whose slightest wish must be his law. In his assiduities to her he must allow of no stint; though hindered by time, distance, or fatigue, he must strive to make his professional and social duties bend to his homage at the shrine of love. All this can be done, moreover, by a man of excellent sense with perfect propriety. Indeed, the world will not only commend him for such devoted gallantry, but will be pretty sure to censure him for any short-coming in his performance of such devoirs.

It is, perhaps, needless to observe that at such a period a gentleman should be scrupulously neat, without appearing particular, in his attire. We shall not attempt to prescribe what he should wear, as that must, of course, depend on the times of the day when his visits are paid, and other circumstances, such as meeting a party of friends, going to the theatre, &c., with the lady.

_Should a Courtship be Short or Long_?

The answer to this question must depend on the previous acquaintanceship, connection, or relationship of the parties, as well as on their present circumstances, and the position of their parents. In case of relationship or old acquaintanceship subsisting between the families, when the courtship, declaration, and engagement have followed each other rapidly, a short wooing is preferable to a long one, should other circumstances not create an obstacle. Indeed, as a general rule, we are disposed strongly to recommend a short courtship. A man is never well settled in the saddle of his fortunes until he be married. He wants spring, purpose, and aim; and, above all, he wants a _home_ as the centre of his efforts. Some portion of inconvenience, therefore, may be risked to obtain this; in fact, it often occurs that by waiting too long the freshness of life is worn off, and that the generous glow of early feelings becomes tamed down to lukewarmness by a too prudent delaying; while a slight sacrifice of ambition or self-indulgence on the part of the gentleman, and a little descent from pride of station on the lady's side, might have ensured years of satisfied love and happy wedded life.

On the other hand, we would recommend a long courtship as advisable when--the friends on both sides favouring the match--it happens that the fortune of neither party will prudently allow an immediate marriage. The gentleman, we will suppose, has his way to make in his profession or business, and is desirous not to involve the object of his affection in the distressing inconvenience, if not the misery, of straitened means. He reflects that for a lady it is an actual degradation, however love may ennoble the motive of her submission, to descend from her former footing in society. He feels, therefore, that this risk ought not to be incurred. For, although the noble and loving spirit of a wife might enable her to bear up cheerfully against misfortune, and by her endearments soothe the broken spirit of her husband; yet the lover who would wilfully, at the outset of wedded life, expose his devoted helpmate to the ordeal of poverty, would be deservedly scouted as selfish and unworthy. These, then, are among the circumstances which warrant a lengthened engagement, and it should be the endeavour of the lady's friends to approve such cautious delay, and do all they can to assist the lover in his efforts to abridge it. The lady's father should regard the lover in the light of another son added to his family, and spare no pains to promote his interests in life, while the lady's mother should do everything in her power, by those small attentions which a mother understands so well, to make the protracted engagement agreeable to him, and as endurable as possible to her daughter.

* * * * *

IV.--PRELIMINARY ETIQUETTE OF A WEDDING.

Whether the term of courtship may have been long or short--according to the requirements of the case--the time will at last arrive for

_Fixing the Day_.

While it is the gentleman's province to press for the earliest possible opportunity, it is the lady's privilege to name the happy day; not but that the bridegroom-elect must, after all, issue the fiat, for he has much to consider and prepare for beforehand: for instance, to settle where it will be most convenient to spend the honeymoon--a point which must depend on the season of the year, on his own vocation, and other circumstances. At this advanced state of affairs, we must not overlook the important question of

_Legal Settlements_.

These are matters that must be attended to where there is property on either side; and it behoves the intending bridegroom to take care there is no unnecessary delay in completing them. An occasional morning call in one of the Inns of Court at this period is often found to be necessary to hasten the usually sluggish pace of the legal fraternity. On the business part of this matter it is not the province of our work to dilate; but we may be permitted to suggest that two-thirds, or at least one-half, of the lady's property should be settled on herself and offspring; and that where the bridegroom has no property wherewith to endow his wife, and has solely to rely on his professional prospects, it should be made a _sine quâ non_ that he should insure his life in her favour previously to marriage.

_How to be Married_.

By this time the gentleman will have made up his mind _in what form_ he will be married--a question, the solution of which, however, must chiefly depend on his means and position in life. He has his choice whether he will be married by BANNS, by LICENCE, by SPECIAL LICENCE, or before the Registrar; but woe betide the unlucky wight who should venture to suggest the last method to a young lady or her parents!

_Marriage by Banns_.

For this purpose, notice must be given to the clerk of the parish or of the district church. The names of the two parties must be written down in full, with their conditions, and the parishes in which they reside--as, "Between A B, of the parish of St. George, bachelor (or widower, as the case may be), and C D, of the parish of St. George, spinster (or widow, as the case may be)." No mention of either the lady's or gentleman's age is required. Where the lady and gentleman are of different parishes, the banns must be published in each, and a certificate of their publication in the one furnished to the clergyman who may marry the parties in the church of the other parish.

It seems singular, albeit it is the fact, that no evidence of consent by either party is necessary to this "putting up of the banns," as is it denominated; indeed, the publication of the banns is not unfrequently the first rural declaration of attachment, so that the blushing village maiden sometimes finds herself announced as a bride-elect before she has received any actual declaration. The clerk receives his fee of two shillings and makes no further inquiries; nay, more, is prepared, if required, to provide the necessary fathers on each side, in the respectable persons of himself and the sexton--the venerable pew-opener being also ready, on a pinch, to "perform" the part of bridesmaid.

The banns must be publicly read on three successive Sundays in the church, after the last of which, if they so choose, the happy pair may, on the Monday following, be "made one." It is usual to give one day's previous notice to the clerk; but this is not legally necessary, it being the care of the Church, as well as the policy of the Law, to throw as few impediments as possible in the way of marriage, of which the one main fact of a consent to live together, declared publicly before an assemblage of relatives, friends, and neighbours (and afterwards, as it were by legal deduction, before witnesses), is the essential and constituent element. Marriage by banns, except in the country districts, is usually confined to the humbler classes of society. This is to be regretted, inasmuch as it is a more deliberate and solemn declaration, and leaves the ceremony more free from the imputation of suddenness, contrivance, or fraud, than any other form. A marriage by banns, it is understood, can never be set aside by the after discovery of deception or concealment as respects residence, and even names, on either side. The fees of a marriage by banns vary from _11s. 6d._ to _13s. 6d._ and _15s. 6d._, according to the parish or district wherein the marriage may take place.

_Hours in which Marriages may be Celebrated_.

All marriages at church must be celebrated within canonical hours--that is, between the hours of eight and twelve, except in the case of special licence, when the marriage may be celebrated at any hour, or at any "meet and proper place."

_Marriage by Special Licence_.

By the Statute of 23rd Henry VIII., the Archbishop of Canterbury has power to grant special licences; but in a certain sense these are limited. His Grace restricts his authority to Peers and Peeresses in their own right, to their sons and daughters, to Dowager Peeresses, to Privy Councillors, to Judges of the Courts at Westminster, to Baronets and Knights, and to Members of Parliament; and, by an order of a former Prelate, to no other person is a special licence to be given, unless they allege very strong and weighty reasons for such indulgence, arising from particular circumstances of the case, the truth of which must be proved to the satisfaction of the Archbishop.

The application for a special licence is to be made to his Grace through the proctor of the parties, who, having first ascertained names and particulars, will wait upon his Grace for his fiat.

The expense of a special licence is about twenty-eight or thirty guineas, whereas that of an ordinary licence is but two guineas and a half; or three guineas where the gentleman or lady, or both, are minors.

_Marriage by Licence_.

An ordinary marriage licence is to be obtained at the Faculty Registry, or Vicar-General's Office, or Diocesan Registry Office of the Archbishops or Bishops, either in the country, or at Doctors' Commons, or by applying to a proctor. A licence from Doctors' Commons, unlike others, however, is available throughout the whole of England.

The gentleman or lady (for either may attend), before applying for an ordinary marriage licence, should ascertain in what parish or district they are both residing--the church of such parish or district being the church in which the marriage should be celebrated; and either the gentleman or lady must have had his or her usual abode therein fifteen days before application is made for the licence, as the following form, to be made on oath, sets forth:--

... _Proctor_. LICENCE, Dated 187_.

"VICAR-GENERAL'S OFFICE." 187_.

APPEARED PERSONALLY, _A B_, of the parish or district of ----, in the county of ----, a bachelor, of the age of 21 years and upwards, and prayed a Licence for the solemnisation of matrimony in the parish or district church of ----, between him and _C D_, of the district of ----, in the county of ----, a spinster, of the age of 21 years or upwards, and made oath, that he believeth that there is no impediment of kindred or alliance, or of any other lawful cause, nor any suit commenced in any Ecclesiastical Court, to bar or hinder the proceeding of the said matrimony, according to the tenor of such Licence. And he further made oath, that he, the said _A B_ or _C D_, hath had his [or her] usual place of abode within the said parish or district of ----, for the space of fifteen days last past.

SWORN before me, [_Here the document must be signed by the Vicar-General, or a Surrogate appointed by him_.]

This affidavit having been completed, the licence is then made out. It runs thus:--

ARCHIBALD CAMPBELL, by Divine Providence Archbishop of Canterbury, Primate of all England, and Metropolitan, To our well beloved in Christ, _A B_, of ____, and _C D_, of ____, Grace and Health.--WHEREAS ye are, as it is alleged, resolved to proceed to the solemnisation of true and lawful matrimony, and that you greatly desire that the same may be solemnised in the face of the Church: We, being willing that these your honest desires may the more speedily obtain a due effect, and to the end therefore that this marriage may be publicly and lawfully solemnised in the church of ____, by the Rector, Vicar, or Curate thereof, without the publication or proclamation of the banns of matrimony, provided there shall appear no impediment of kindred or alliance, or of any other lawful cause, nor any suit commenced in any Ecclesiastical Court, to bar or hinder the proceeding of the said matrimony, according to the tenor of this Licence; And likewise, That the celebration of this marriage be had and done publicly in the aforesaid ____ church, between the hours of eight and twelve in the forenoon; We, for lawful causes, graciously grant this our LICENCE AND FACULTY as well to you the parties contracting, as to the Rector, Vicar, Curate, or Minister of ____, the aforesaid ____, who is designed to solemnise the marriage between you, in the manner and form above specified, according to the rites of the Book of Common Prayer, set forth for that purpose by the authority of Parliament.

Given under the seal of our VICAR-GENERAL, this day of ____, in the Year of Our Lord one thousand eight hundred and ____, and in the ____ year of our translation.

The licence remains in force for three months only; and the copy received by the person applying for it is left in the hands of the clergyman who marries the parties, it being his authority for so doing. In case either party is a minor, the age must be stated, and the consent of the parents or guardians authorised to give such consent must be sworn to by the gentleman or lady applying for the licence. The following are the persons having legal authority to give their consent in case of minority:--1st, the father; if dead--2nd, the guardians, if any appointed by his will; if none--3rd, the mother, if unmarried; if dead or married--4th, the guardians appointed by Chancery. If none of the foregoing persons exist, then the marriage may be legally solemnised without any consent whatever. The following are the official forms for this purpose:--

CONSENTS REQUIRED IN CASE OF MINORS.

_Consent of Father_.

By and with the consent of _A B_, the natural and lawful father of _B B_, the minor aforesaid.

_Guardian Testamentary_.

By and with the consent of _A B_, the guardian of the person of the said _C D_, the minor aforesaid, lawfully appointed in and by the last will and testament of _D D_, deceased, his [or her] natural and lawful father.

_Mother_.

By and with the consent of _A B_, the natural and lawful mother of _B B_, the minor aforesaid, his [or her] father being dead, and he [or she] having no guardian of his [or her] person lawfully appointed, and his [or her] said mother being unmarried.

_Guardian appointed by the Court of Chancery_.

By and with the consent of _A B_, the guardian of the person of the said _C D_, appointed by the High Court of Chancery, and having authority to consent to his [or her] marriage, his [or her] father being dead, and he [or she] having no guardian of his [or her] person otherwise lawfully appointed, or mother living and unmarried.

_When no Father, Testamentary Guardian, Mother, or Guardian appointed by the Court of Chancery_.

That he [or she] the said _A B_, hath no father living, or guardian of his [or her] person lawfully appointed, or mother living and unmarried, or guardian of his [or her] person appointed by the High Court of Chancery, and having authority to consent to the aforesaid marriage.

The previous remarks have reference only to licences for marriages about to be solemnised according to the laws of the Church of England.

_Marriage of Roman Catholics or Dissenters by Licence_.

By the Statute 6th and 7th William IV., 17th August, 1836, Roman Catholics and Dissenters who may wish to be married in a church or chapel belonging to their own denomination, can obtain a licence for that purpose from the Superintendent Registrar of the district in which one of the parties resides, after giving notice thereof a week previous to the same officer. The expense of the licence is £3 12s. 6d.

_Marriage before the Registrar_.

Should the parties wish to avoid the expense of a licence, they can do so by giving three weeks' notice to the Superintendent Registrar; which notice is affixed in his office, and read before the proper officers when assembled; at the expiration of that time the marriage may be solemnised in any place which is licensed within their district. The Registrar of Marriages of such district must have notice of and attend every such marriage. The fee due to the Registrar of Marriages for attending the ceremony and registering the marriage (by licence) is 10s., and for certificate 2s. 6d; and without a licence 5s., and certificate 2s. 6d.