CANTO II.

Hys Fyve Rules.

"My First--but don't suppose," he said, "I'm setting you a riddle-- Is--if your Victim be in bed, Don't touch the curtains at his head, But take them in the middle,

"And wave them slowly in and out, While drawing them asunder; And in a minute's time, no doubt, He'll raise his head and look about With eyes of wrath and wonder.

"And here you must on no pretence Make the first observation. Wait for the Victim to commence: No Ghost of any common sense Begins a conversation.

"If he should say '_How came you here?_' (The way that _you_ began, Sir,) In such a case your course is clear-- '_On the bat's back, my little dear!_' Is the appropriate answer.

"If after this he says no more, You'd best perhaps curtail your Exertions--go and shake the door, And then, if he begins to snore, You'll know the thing's a failure.

"By day, if he should be alone-- At home or on a walk-- You merely give a hollow groan, To indicate the kind of tone In which you mean to talk.

"But if you find him with his friends, The thing is rather harder. In such a case success depends On picking up some candle-ends, Or butter, in the larder.

"With this you make a kind of slide (It answers best with suet), On which you must contrive to glide, And swing yourself from side to side-- One soon learns how to do it.

"The Second tells us what is right In ceremonious calls:-- '_First burn a blue or crimson light_' (A thing I quite forgot to-night), '_Then scratch the door or walls._'"

I said "You'll visit _here_ no more, If you attempt the Guy. I'll have no bonfires on _my_ floor-- And, as for scratching at the door, I'd like to see you try!"

"The Third was written to protect The interests of the Victim, And tells us, as I recollect, _To treat him with a grave respect, And not to contradict him_."

"That's plain," said I, "as Tare and Tret, To any comprehension: I only wish _some_ Ghosts I've met Would not so _constantly_ forget The maxim that you mention!"

"Perhaps," he said, "_you_ first transgressed The laws of hospitality: All Ghosts instinctively detest The Man that fails to treat his guest With proper cordiality.

"If you address a Ghost as 'Thing!' Or strike him with a hatchet, He is permitted by the King To drop all _formal_ parleying-- And then you're _sure_ to catch it!

"The Fourth prohibits trespassing Where other Ghosts are quartered: And those convicted of the thing (Unless when pardoned by the King) Must instantly be slaughtered.

"That simply means 'be cut up small': Ghosts soon unite anew: The process scarcely hurts at all-- Not more than when _you're_ what you call 'Cut up' by a Review.

"The Fifth is one you may prefer That I should quote entire:-- _The King must be addressed as 'Sir.' This, from a simple courtier, Is all the Laws require_:

"_But, should you wish to do the thing With out-and-out politeness, Accost him as 'My Goblin King!' And always use, in answering, The phrase 'Your Royal Whiteness!'_

"I'm getting rather hoarse, I fear, After so much reciting: So, if you don't object, my dear, We'll try a glass of bitter beer-- I think it looks inviting."