Part 2

THWAITES. Yes, sir: I don't think him much 'count, sir.

DE W. If that man steals anything, you shall have a couple of sovereigns.

THWAITES. No!

DE W. Spread out the plate as much as you can, give him every opportunity.

WHITE. (_R., beckons THWAITES to him, at back_) Here, waiter!

THWAITES. (_going to WHITEWASH at back, R. C._) Yes, sir!

WHITE. If that fellow with the ice leaves the house without stealing anything, there's a five pound note for you. (_to THWAITES_)

(_DE WINDSOR walks round and round PAWKINS, with handkerchief dangling from his pocket, during dialogue_)

THWAITES. The deuce!

WHITE. And do your best to keep the plate as much out of his reach as possible.

THWAITES. Can't be done, sir; can't be done. Gov'ner orders the contrary.

PAWKINS. I can't make him out!

WHITE. Here, Pawkins, my good fellow, how do you like your ice?

PAWKINS. First rate! Beats the penny un's all to shivers!

WHITE. Ha! ha! But now you have finished it, you have no occasion for the spoon. (_takes it_)

(_THWAITES on the other side takes empty glass from PAWKINS, and exit C._)

PAWKINS. I can't make him out!

WHITE. (_aside_) I'll stick to him like a leech!

_Enter AGATHA, C. from L. and down R._

AGATHA. (R.) Mr. Whitewash, have you forgotten your engagement, the first quadrille? Oh, fie! fie! they are waiting!

WHITE. (R. C.) I'm sure I beg a thousand pardons, but you see just at this moment----(_pockets the spoon_)

PAWKINS. I can't make any on 'em out!

WHITE. (_whispers PAWKINS_) If so much as a salt-spoon is missing you are a dead man!

_Exeunt WHITEWASH and AGATHA, C., off L._

PAWKINS. (R. C.) I say, gov'ner, about our young friend here; when he's on the spree like, as he is now, don't you think he's a bit cranky? Do you think all's right here? (_touching his head_) If I behaved like that to my young woman, wouldn't there be a row neither.

DE W. (_aside_) Ha! the card table! A trap I didn't think of! I say, Mr. Pawkins, have you any objection to a hand at cards?

PAWKINS. Not a bit on it.

DE W. Of course you play ecarté?

PAWKINS. Of course I don't; I never heerd on it.

DE W. Well--cribbage?

PAWKINS. I knows nuffin of cribbage.

DE W. Picquet?

PAWKINS. Eh?

DE W. Picquet?

PAWKINS. Pick hay? I knows nuffin about pick hay; I was werry nigh being sent to pick oakum!

DE W. Well, what shall we play? Suppose we cut for a shilling a game.

PAWKINS. A shilling! Come! I was thinking of a fourpenny bit; but there's nothing like pluck. I say, I hopes you keeps your temper when you loses, for I give you fair warning, I shan't let you go till I've got something out of you.

DE W. Affected candour! but it won't do.

(_they go up to table, L.--DE WINDSOR takes cards out of drawers of table and they sit--DE WINDSOR, L. and PAWKINS, R., and they begin cutting cards--staking money as they play._

PAWKINS. Well, you are a going it, you are--(_plays again--aside_) Gov'ner can't be coming the old soldier! Oh, it's a do and no mistake! I must have a eye on this old bird.

_Enter WHITEWASH, C. from L._

WHITE. Thank heaven I'm free again! What! cards! the devil! (_steals up to table, and whispers to PAWKINS_) Lose!

PAWKINS. Eh?

WHITE. (R.) Lose, I say.

PAWKINS. (C.) Hang it. I have!

DE W. (_sees WHITEWASH--aside_) Oh! I see, the rascal's had his cue.

PAWKINS. There, I shan't play any more; you've got your three bob, and if ever you catch me at it again, it'll do you good. (_rises and goes forward--aside to WHITEWASH_) One good turn deserves another, I'll give you an 'int. Don't let the old gov'ner there get you down to cards, he's a downy 'un, he is!

DE W. Let me see. (_rings money on table_) No! nothing wrong! I have not caught him yet!

_Enter THWAITES, C. from L., announcing._

THWAITES. (C.) Mr. Ferguson.

_Enter FERGUSON, C. from L., DE WINDSOR goes up to C. door to meet him._

PAWKINS. It's a gent as knows more about me than I want. (_goes across to R. for umbrella_)

WHITE. (R. C.) Ah! the owner of some stray pocket handkerchief! Make a rush at the door!

PAWKINS. (_crosses to L. D._) Bolted, by jingo!

WHITE. This last stroke will finish me!

DE W. (_coming down, R. C._) Allow me, my dear, Mr. Ferguson, to introduce you to my intended son-in-law.

FERGUS. (_down R._) Sir, allow me to congwatulate you on your vewy interwesting position.

DE W. Mr. Whitewash, sir, is one of the brightest ornaments of the legal profession, and this gentleman is one of his most ornamental clients.

FERGUS. Vewy much delighted. (_bowing to PAWKINS_) Heyday! Here is certainly a party who has taken me by surpwise.

DE W. What do you mean?

FERGUS. I mean that a certain party, a fwiend of mine, found that party (_pointing to PAWKINS_) in his cupboard, at thwee o'clock in the morning.

DE W. (R. C.) All right! You are quite sure of your man?

FERGUS. (R.) Oh, perfectly! (_aside_) Seeing that the fwiend was myself. (_goes up a little_)

DE W. (_rubs his hands_) Capital! capital! Tango wins the day!

WHITE. (_seated, L. C._) Father-in-law looks pleased--that's unlucky. (_rises_)

DE W. Come here, my orator! come here, my Cicero! I've a bit of news for you;--Tango will have my daughter--ha, ha, ha! (_pokes WHITEWASH in the ribs_)

WHITE. (L. C.) What, sir! you, a man of heart, who have given your word to me----

DE W. Yes, if Pawkins turned out all right; but he don't--he don't--he don't--ha, ha, ha!

WHITE. Mr. De Windsor, allow me to remark, that an innocent man's character is not to be impugned without sufficient ground. Come here, Pawkins. (_whispers to him, "Brazen it out"_) Pawkins, a malignant slanderer says you are fishy, but you ain't, are you?

PAWKINS. (L.) Not as I am aware on.

DE W. Then, most respectable Mr. Pawkins, what were you doing in a certain cupboard at three o'clock in the morning?

WHITE. Ha! the case is desperate, and a desperate effort must be made.

_AGATHA and several GUESTS enter from L. C., and form an AUDIENCE, R._

Listen, all parties present.

DE W. (R. C.) Well, talk away, and make the best of it.

WHITE. Look at the face of this worthy man. Pawkins, get into the dock! (_places him on chair, L., and turns another chair round to lean on, &c._) Examine every lineament.

PAWKINS. (_on chair, L._) Come, come, you do make one look such a fool!

WHITE. (L. C.) Believe me, this excellent man is one of those rare natures that are seldom to be found. Ask the independent electors of Marylebone, whom they would place in the van.

PAWKINS. I've been in the wan!

WHITE. Whom they would place in the van as the staunchest champion of their interests. They will answer Pawkins! Ask the poor----(_takes tongs from his own pocket_)

PAWKINS. Them's my tongs!

WHITE. (_throws them on table_) Ask the poor--the suffering poor--whom they regard as their kindest benefactor. They will answer--Pawkins. (_aside to him_) Cry!

PAWKINS. I can't! I say, ain't you pitching it raither too strong!

WHITE. They say we were found in a cupboard at three o'clock in the morning. Well, we admit the trivial fact, we were in the cupboard.

PAWKINS. No, no, no!

WHITE. Though we have every high virtue, we are still but human; we have hearts not altogether unsusceptible to female beauty. (_FERGUSON comes forward, R., in great agitation_) Do you now persist in asking why we were in the cupboard? Well, then, we were there for the sake of one of the fair sex.

FERGUS. But, sir, there is a husband----

PAWKINS. Now he's done it!

WHITE. A husband! Do you call that a husband? As Mr. Justice Blesswell remarked in the great divorce case of Martyr _v._ Bangwife--such a wretch is not worthy the name of a husband. A man who indulges in large potations--comes home at little hours--and is limited in his notions of crinoline! (_bangs chair during speech, then turns it and sits_)

PAWKINS. He'll smash that ere chair!

FERGUS. But, sir, I'm the husband----

WHITE. (_rises and goes to PAWKINS_) That's awkward!

PAWKINS. Yes; it is awkward!

WHITE. But we won't flinch! Mr. De Windsor, I must say your society is not the most select. (_pulls chair from under PAWKINS_)

FERGUS. (_crossing to L., and collaring PAWKINS_) And now, you villain--you destwoyer of my domestic peace--what have you to say for yourself?

PAWKINS. Why, I cannot say nuffing, while you goes on choking me like that! (_FERGUSON lets go_) That's better! Well, then, I didn't have no thoughts about Mrs. Ferguson--Mrs. Ferguson don't come up to my hideas of female beauty. (_snaps his fingers_) That for Mrs. Ferguson! If you will tear from me the secrets of my 'art, I com'd arter Jemima, Mrs. Ferguson's young 'oman--there, now, ye knows all about it. I've told the truth, and I can shame--Ferguson!

THWAITES. (_comes forward, L._) So, Mr. Pawkins, it was Mrs. Ferguson's Jemima, was it? Are you aware, sir, that I pay my attentions in that quarter? Are you aware that I'm Thwaites?

PAWKINS. Are you, indeed?--who says you ain't? There ain't no advantage in being Thwaites, as I sees--I don't want to be Thwaites. You're one of them swells as takes out a young 'oman on a holiday, and grumbles at the expense all the blessed way there, and all the blessed way back;--you prefers the ha'penny boat to the penny, and you prefers walking to heither. Thwaites, you ain't the favored man, so drop Miss Jemima;--I don't say what I'll do if you don't--but just take an 'int, and drop Miss Jemima.

(_AGATHA and DE WINDSOR come forward, R._)

AGATHA. (R.) Really, papa, this is an extremely vulgar scene, at our party.

DE W. (R. C.) Disgustingly so, my dear--but join the guests, and make the best of it. (_AGATHA retires up_)

WHITE. (_coming forward, C._) Well, father-in-law, I hope you are satisfied now!

DE W. Mr. Pawkins, I have an apology to make to you--you'll think it very absurd--but I--I--ha, ha!--I scarcely know how to express it--but I actually took you for a thief!

PAWKINS. (L. C.) You ain't the first, else I shouldn't have been tried at the Hold Bailey this morning. Look ye--a fellow chucks a watch into my umbrella----

WHITE. (C.) Yes, yes, we know all about that; besides, you are completely cleared.

DE W. (R.) Perfectly; your character is as cloudless as a fine day in July, and I am about to give you the most convincing proof of my confidence.

PAWKINS. (_aside_) He's going to ask me to shave him!

DE W. (_crossing to C._) I have long been looking out for a man of indubitable integrity, to act as my cashier; I keep nearly the whole of my fortune locked up in a strong box, so I may as well give you the key now. (_about to give key, WHITEWASH hastily comes between them_)

WHITE. (_C., intercepting_) No! no! what are you about? A thief!--a common pickpocket!

DE W. (R.) Ha, ha! victory!--you admit it, do you?

(_retires to GUESTS, R._)

WHITE. (_aside_) Caught, by all that's unlucky!

PAWKINS. (L.) Come, I say, master, this 'ere won't do: when I looks black, you makes me white; and when I'm whitened, you makes me black: I've a jolly good mind to----

WHITE. Oh, go to the devil!

_Enter THWAITES, C. from L., with a letter._

THWAITES. (_to WHITEWASH_) Please, sir, a knowin' party, as calls himself your clerk, has brought this. (_gives letter to WHITEWASH; WHITEWASH opens letter at first with indifference, but proceeds to read with eagerness; DE WINDSOR, AGATHA, and FERGUSON come forward, R._)

DE W. (R. C.) My dear, this matter is settled; you shall be the wife of Mr. Tango.

AGATHA. (R.) La, papa! how shocking!

FERGUS. (_coming down R._) I beg your pardon; you don't mean Tom Tango, of the Stock Exchange?

DE W. Yes, I do.

AGATHA. Then you haven't heard the news: he was declared a defaulter this vewy afternoon.

DE W. The devil! One swindles--another tells lies: where can I find an honest man?

WHITE. (_rises, having been seated while reading letter_) Here! (_leading PAWKINS forward_) Look at that face--and read that letter? (_gives it_) The sum and substance of it is this: A notorious pickpocket has just been arrested, and retains me for the defence--confessing that he threw the watch into Pawkins' umbrella.

PAWKINS. Does he? Then there's some good in the waggerbone after all.

DE W. Well,--as a barrister who twaddles, is better than a stock jobber who waddles--here's my daughter. (_joins the hands of WHITEWASH and AGATHA_)

PAWKINS. Ah! werry good! Jines hands and gives the paternal blessing! All right and proper! But wot good comes to me on it all? It strikes me you are a rum lot--you are. There's this 'ere wenerable party--(DE WINDSOR) asks me to 'is house--gives me a hice, which doesn't agree with me, and does me out o' three bob at cards! Here's another chap (FERGUSON) as talks as if he had gooseberries in his mouth, and tries to stop my windpipe. Then here's a sort o' costermonger in disguise (THWAITES) as interferes with my young 'oman.--And here--(WHITEWASH) here's the wust villain on 'em all. Ladies and gents, if I'm in any trouble touching your good-will--him's the party you must pitch into--cos vy? Don't you see? He's retained for the defence.

WHITE. That won't do! I haven't had a refresher.

PAWKINS. Haven't you? Then take your refresher there--(_pointing to AUDIENCE_) that's my refresher. Give me them 'ere parties on my side, and hang me if I'll want any defence at all!

FERGUS. DE W. AGATHA. WHITE. PAWKINS. THWAITES. R. L.

Curtain.

Transcriber's Note

This transcription is based on images digitized by Google from a copy made available by the University of Illinois and posted by the HathiTrust at:

catalog.hathitrust.org/Record/100213071

In general, this transcription attempts to retain the punctuation and spelling of the source text. A few changes were made for the sake of consistency and to correct minor errors.

The following changes were noted:

- p. 2: Changed the name "Fergusson" in both the character list and the costume notes to "Ferguson" to be consistent with how the name is spelled elsewhere in the text.

- p. 5: WHITE. (L. C.) Most acutely! _wringing his hand_)--Inserted an opening parenthesis before "_wringing_".

- p. 11: (_some of the COMPANY pass across at back of C. doors, from, L. to R._)--Deleted the comma after "_from_".

- p. 14: DE W. (_aside_) Why, Mr. Pawkins, what's the cause of this singular hurry?--Pawkins' and Whitewash's subsequent lines indicate that both hear De Windsor. Therefore, the direction indicating that this line is an aside was deleted.

- p. 17: Gov'nor can't be coming the old soldier!--Changed "Gov'nor" to "Gov'ner" for consistency.

- p. 18: Tango will have my daughter. ha, ha, ha!--Changed the period after "daughter" to an em dash.

- p. 18: Mr. De Winter, allow me to remark--Changed "De Winter" to "De Windsor" for consistency.

- p. 19: They say we were found in a cupboard at three o' clock in the morning.--Deleted the space before "clock" for consistency.

Note that Thwaites re-enters on p. 21 when he delivers a letter to Whitewash, but there is no stage direction for Thwaites to exit after Pawkins tells him to "drop Miss Jemima" on p. 20. He could exit either at the end of Pawkins' speech or when De Windsor apologizes to Pawkins.

End of Project Gutenberg's Retained for the Defence, by John Oxenford