Chapter 1

This etext was produced by David Widger <[email protected]>

QUOTATIONS FROM THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EDITON OF THE WORKS OF MARK TWAIN

TITLES AND CONTENTS OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG TWAIN COLLECTION

The Innocents Abroad Mark Twain's (Burlesque) Auto-biography First Romance. Roughing it The Gilded Age (With Charles Dudley Warner) Sketches New and Old My Watch Political Economy The Jumping Frog Journalism in Tennessee The Story of the Bad Little Boy The Story of the Good Little Boy A Couple of Poems by Twain and Moore Niagara Answers to Correspondents To Raise Poultry Experience of the Mcwilliamses with Membranous Croup My First Literary Venture How the Author Was Sold in Newark The Office Bore Johnny Greer The Facts in the Case of the Great Beef Contract The Case of George Fisher Disgraceful Persecution of a Boy The Judges "Spirited Woman" Information Wanted Some Learned Fables, for Good Old Boys and Girls My Late Senatorial Secretaryship A Fashion Item Riley-newspaper Correspondent A Fine Old Man Science Vs. Luck The Late Benjamin Franklin Mr. Bloke's Item A Medieval Romance Petition Concerning Copyright After-dinner Speech Lionizing Murderers A New Crime A Curious Dream A True Story The Siamese Twins Speech at the Scottish Banquet in London A Ghost Story The Capitoline Venus Speech on Accident Insurance John Chinaman in New York How I Edited an Agricultural Paper The Petrified Man My Bloody Massacre The Undertaker's Chat Concerning Chambermaids Aurelia's Unfortunate Young Man "After" Jenkins About Barbers "Party Cries" in Ireland The Facts Concerning The Recant Resignation History Repeats Itself Honored as a Curiosity First Interview Kith Artemus Ward Cannibalism in The Cars The Killing of Julius Caesar "Localized" The Widow's Protest The Scriptural Panoramist Curing a Cold A Curious Pleasure Excursion Running for Governor A Mysterious Visit The Curious Republic of Gondour and Other Whimsical Sketches The Curious Republic of Gondour A Memory Introductory to "Memoranda". About Smells A Couple of Sad Experiences Dan Murphy The "Tournament" in A.d. 1870 Curious Relic for Sale A Reminiscence of The Back Settlements A Royal Compliment The Approaching Epidemic The Tone-imparting Committee Our Precious Lunatic The European War The Wild Man Interviewed Last Words of Great Men The Facts Concerning The Recent Carnival of Crime in Connecticut Mark Twain's [Date, 1601] Conversation as it Was by The Social Fireside in The Time of The Tudors The Adventures of Tom Sawyer The Loves of Alonzo Fitz Clarence and Rosannah EThelton and Other Stories The Loves of Alonzo Fitz Clarence and Rosannah Ethelton On The Decay of The Art of Lying About Magnanimous-incident Literature The Grateful Poodle The Benevolent Author The Grateful Husband Punch, Brothers, Punch The Great Revolution in Pitcairn The Canvasser's Tale An Encounter with an Interviewer Paris Notes Legend of Sagenfeld, in Germany Speech on The Babies Speech on The Weather Concerning The American Language Rogers Some Rambling Notes of an Idle Excursion The Stolen White Elephant A Tramp Abroad The Prince and The Pauper Life on The Mississippi The Adventures of Huckleberry Finn A Connecticut Yankee in King Arthur's Court The American Claimant Extracts from Adam's Diary In Defence of Harriet Shelley Fenimore Cooper's Literary Offences Essays on Paul Bourget What Paul Bourget Thinks of Us A Little Note to M. Paul Bourget Tom Sawyer Abroad The Tragedy of Pudd'nhead Wilson Those Extraordinary Twins Personal Recollections of Joan of Arc Tom Sawyer, Detective Following The Equator, a Journey Around The World The Man That Corrupted Hadleyburg The Hadleyberg Other Stories My First Lie, and How I Got out of it The Esquimaux Maiden's Romance Christian Science and The Book of Mrs. Eddy Is He Living or Is He Dead? My Debut as a Literary Person At The Appetite-cure Concerning The Jews From The 'London Times' of 1904 About Play-acting Travelling with a Reformer Diplomatic Pay and CloThes Luck The Captain's Story Stirring Times in Austria Meisterschaft My Boyhood Dreams To The above Old People In Memoriam--Olivia Susan Clemens What Is Man and Other Essays What Is Man? The Death of Jean The Turning-point of My Life How to Make History Dates Stick The Memorable Assassination A Scrap of Curious History Switzerland, The Cradle of Liberty At The Shrine of St. Wagner William Dean Howells English as She Is Taught A Simplified Alphabet As Concerns Interpreting The Deity Concerning Tobacco Taming The Bicycle Is Shakespeare Dead? The Mysterious Stranger and Other Stories The Mysterious Stranger A Fable Hunting The Deceitful Turkey The Mcwilliamses and The Burglar Alarm A Double Barreled Detective A Dog's Tale The $30,000 Bequest and Other Stories The $30,000 Bequest A Dog's Tale Was it Heaven? Or Hell? A Cure for The Blues The Enemy Conquered; Or, Love Triumphant The Californian's Tale A Helpless Situation A Telephonic Conversation Edward Mills and George Benton: A Tale The Five Boons of Life The First Writing-machines Italian Without a Master Italian with Grammar a Burlesque Biography How to Tell a Story General Washington's Negro Body-servant Wit Inspirations of The "Two-year-olds" An Entertaining Article a Letter to The Secretary of The Treasury Amended Obituaries A Monument to Adam A Humane Word from Satan Introduction to "The New Guide of The Conversation in Portuguese and English" Advice to Little Girls Post-mortem Poetry The Danger of Lying in Bed Portrait of King William Iii Does The Race of Man Love a Lord? Extracts from Adam's Diary Eve's Diary A Horse's Tale Christian Science Extract from Captain Stormfield's Visit to Heaven Is Shakespeare Dead? On The Decay of The Art of Lying Goldsmith's Friend Abroad Again How to Tell a Story and Other Stories How to Tell a Story The Wounded Soldier The Golden Arm Mental Telegraphy Again The Invalids Story Mark Twain's Speeches Introduction Preface The Story of a Speech Plymouth Rock and The Pilgrims Compliments and Degrees Books, Authors, and Hats Dedication Speech Die Schrecken Der Deutschen Sprache. The Horrors of The German Language German for The Hungarians A New German Word Unconscious Plagiarism The WeaTher The Babies Our Children and Great Discoveries Educating Theatre-goers The Educational Theatre Poets as Policemen Pudd'nhead Wilson Dramatized Daly Theatre The Dress of Civilized Woman Dress Reform and Copyright College Girls Girls The Ladies Woman's Press Club Votes for Women Woman-an Opinion Advice to Girls Taxes and Morals Tammany and Croker Municipal Corruption Municipal Government China and The Philippines Theoretical and Practical Morals Layman's Sermon University Settlement Society Public Education Association Education and Citizenship Courage The Dinner to Mr. Choate On Stanley and Livingstone Henry M. Stanley Dinner to Mr. Jerome Henry Irving Dinner to Hamilton W. Mabie Introducing Nye and Riley Dinner to Whitelaw Reid Rogers and Railroads The Old-fashioned Printer Society of American Authors Reading-room Opening Literature Disappearance of Literature The New York Press Club Dinner The Alphabet and Simplified Spelling Spelling and Pictures Books and Burglars Authors' Club Booksellers "Mark Twain's First Appearance" Morals and Memory Queen Victoria Joan of Arc Accident Insurance--etc. Osteopathy Water-supply Mistaken Identity Cats and Candy Obituary Poetry Cigars and Tobacco Billiards The Union Right or Wrong? An Ideal French Address Statistics Galveston Orphan Bazaar San Francisco Earthquake Charity and Actors Russian Republic Russian Sufferers Watterson and Twain as Rebels Robert Fulton Fund Fulton Day, Jamestown Lotos Club Dinner in Honor of Mark Twain Copyright In Aid of The Blind Dr. Mark Twain, Farmeopath Missouri University Speech Business Carnegie The Benefactor On Poetry, Veracity, and Suicide Welcome Home An Undelivered Speech Sixty-seventh Birthday To The Whitefriars The Ascot Gold Cup The Savage Club Dinner General Miles and The Dog When in Doubt, Tell The Truth The Day We Celebrate Independence Day Americans and The English About London Princeton The St. Louis Harbor-boat "Mark Twain" Seventieth Birthday Mark Twain's Letters 1853-1910 Arranged with Comment by Albert Bigelow Paine Mark Twain, a Biography, by Albert Bigelow Paine

SELECTED QUOTATIONS OF MARK TWAIN By David Widger

Project Gutenberg has now posted over sixty of the works of Mark Twain. It is hoped that this compilation of the editor's favorite quotations will be of interest and use. All the titles may be found using the Project Gutenberg search engine. After downloading a specific file, the location and complete context of the quotations may be found by inserting a small part of the quotation into the 'Find; or 'Search' funtions of the user's word processing program.

The quotations are in two formats: 1. Small paragraphs from the text. 2. An alphabetized list of one-liners.

The editor would be pleased to be contacted at <[email protected]> for comments, questions and criticism.

D.W.

FOLLOWING THE EQUATOR, by Mark Twain [feqtr10.txt] 2895

Against nature to take an interest in familiar things Age after age, the barren and meaningless process All life seems to be sacred except human life But there are liars everywhere this year Capacity must be shown (in other work); in the law, concealment of it will do Christmas brings harassment and dread to many excellent people Climate which nothing can stand except rocks Creature which was everything in general and nothing in particular Custom supersedes all other forms of law Death in life; death without its privileges Every one is a moon, and has a dark side Exercise, for such as like that kind of work Explain the inexplicable Faith is believing what you know ain't so Forbids betting on a sure thing Forgotten fact is news when it comes again Get your formalities right--never mind about the moralities Give thanks that Christmas comes but once a year Good protections against temptations; but the surest is cowardice Goody-goody puerilities and dreary moralities Habit of assimilating incredibilities Human pride is not worth while Hunger is the handmaid of genius If the man doesn't believe as we do, we say he is a crank Inherited prejudices in favor of hoary ignorances It is easier to stay out than get out Man is the only animal that blushes--or needs to Meddling philanthropists Melt a brass door-knob and weather which will only make it mushy Moral sense, and there is an Immoral Sense Most satisfactory pet--never coming when he is called Natural desire to have more of a good thing than he needs Neglected her habits, and hadn't any Never could tell a lie that anybody would doubt No nation occupies a foot of land that was not stolen No people who are quite so vulgar as the over-refined ones Notion that he is less savage than the other savages Only way to keep your health is to eat what you don't want Ostentatious of his modesty Otherwise they would have thought I was afraid, which I was Pity is for the living, Envy is for the dead Prosperity is the best protector of principle Received with a large silence that suggested doubt Seventy is old enough--after that, there is too much risk Silent lie and a spoken one Sinking vessel, with no freight in her to throw over Takes your enemy and your friend, working together, to hurt you Thankfulness is not so general The man with a new idea is a Crank until the idea succeeds This is a poor old ship, and ought to be insured and sunk To a delicate stomach even imaginary smoke can convey damage Tourists showing how things ought to be managed Wrinkles should merely indicate where smiles have been

HADLEYBURG AND OTHER STORIES, by Mark Twain[MT#30][mthdb10.txt]3251

Appelles meets Zenobia, the helper of all who suffer, and tells her his story, which moves her pity. By common report she is endowed with more than earthly powers; and since he cannot have the boon of death, he appeals to her to drown his memory in forgetfulness of his griefs-- forgetfulness 'which is death's equivalent'.

I do not remember my first lie, it is too far back; but I remember my second one very well. I was nine days old at the time, and had noticed that if a pin was sticking in me and I advertised it in the usual fashion, I was lovingly petted and coddled and pitied in a most agreeable way and got a ration between meals besides. It was human nature to want to get these riches, and I fell. I lied about the pin--advertising one when there wasn't any. You would have done it; George Washington did it, anybody would have done it. During the first half of my life I never knew a child that was able to rise above that temptation and keep from telling that lie.

This establishment's name is Hochberghaus. It is in Bohemia, a short day's journey from Vienna, and being in the Austrian Empire is of course a health resort. The empire is made up of health resorts; it distributes health to the whole world. Its waters are all medicinal. They are bottled and sent throughout the earth; the natives themselves drink beer.

But I think I have no such prejudice. A few years ago a Jew observed to me that there was no uncourteous reference to his people in my books, and asked how it happened. It happened because the disposition was lacking. I am quite sure that (bar one) I have no race prejudices, and I think I have no colour prejudices nor caste prejudices nor creed prejudices. Indeed, I know it. I can stand any society. All that I care to know is that a man is a human being--that is enough for me; he can't be any worse.

HOW TELL A STORY AND OTHERS, by Mark Twain [MT#31][mthts10.txt]3250

There are several kinds of stories, but only one difficult kind--the humorous. I will talk mainly about that one. The humorous story is American, the comic story is English, the witty story is French. The humorous story depends for its effect upon the manner of the telling; the comic story and the witty story upon the matter.

The humorous story is strictly a work of art--high and delicate art--and only an artist can tell it; but no art is necessary in telling the comic and the witty story; anybody can do it. The art of telling a humorous story--understand, I mean by word of mouth, not print--was created in America, and has remained at home.

DEFENCE OF HARRIET SHELLEY, by Mark Twain [MT#32][mtdhs10.txt]3171

I have committed sins, of course; but I have not committed enough of them to entitle me to the punishment of reduction to the bread and water of ordinary literature during six years when I might have been living on the fat diet spread for the righteous in Professor Dowden's Life of Shelley, if I had been justly dealt with.

Yet he has been resting both for a month, with Italian, and tea, and manna of sentiment, and late hours, and every restful thing a young husband could need for the refreshment of weary limbs and a sore conscience, and a nagging sense of shabbiness and treachery.

The biographer throws off that extraordinary remark without any perceptible disturbance to his serenity; for he follows it with a sentimental justification of Shelley's conduct which has not a pang of conscience in it, but is silky and smooth and undulating and pious--a cake-walk with all the colored brethren at their best. There may be people who can read that page and keep their temper, but it is doubtful.

FENIMORE COOPER OFFENCES, by Mark Twain [MT#33][mtfco10.txt]3172

It seems to me that it was far from right for the Professor of English Literature in Yale, the Professor of English Literature in Columbia, and Wilkie Collins to deliver opinions on Cooper's literature without having read some of it. It would have been much more decorous to keep silent and let persons talk who have read Cooper.

Cooper's art has some defects. In one place in 'Deerslayer,' and in the restricted space of two-thirds of a page, Cooper has scored 114 offences against literary art out of a possible 115. It breaks the record.

I may be mistaken, but it does seem to me that Deerslayer is not a work of art in any sense; it does seem to me that it is destitute of every detail that goes to the making of a work of art; in truth, it seems to me that Deerslayer is just simply a literary delirium tremens.

ESSAYS ON PAUL BOURGET, by Mark Twain [MT#34][mtpbg10.txt]3173

Bret Harte got his California and his Californians by unconscious absorption, and put both of them into his tales alive. But when he came from the Pacific to the Atlantic and tried to do Newport life from study- conscious observation--his failure was absolutely monumental. Newport is a disastrous place for the unacclimated observer, evidently.

It is my belief that there are some "national" traits and things scattered about the world that are mere superstitions, frauds that have lived so long that they have the solid look of facts. One of them is the dogma that the French are the only chaste people in the world. Ever since I arrived in France this last time I have been accumulating doubts about that.

It would be too immodest. Also too gratuitously generous. And a shade too self-sufficient. No, he could not venture it. It would look too much like anxiety to get in at a feast where no plate had been provided for him.

A foreigner can photograph the exteriors of a nation, but I think that that is as far as he can get. I think that no foreigner can report its interior--its soul, its life, its speech, its thought. I think that a knowledge of these things is acquirable in only one way; not two or four or six [years]--absorption; years and years of unconscious absorption; years and years of intercourse with the life concerned; of living it, indeed; sharing personally in its shames and prides, its joys and griefs, its loves and hates, its prosperities and reverses, its shows and shabbinesses, its deep patriotisms, its whirlwinds of political passion, its adorations--of flag, and heroic dead, and the glory of the national name. Observation? Of what real value is it? One learns peoples through the heart, not the eyes or the intellect.

One may say the type of practical joker, for these people are exactly alike all over the world. Their equipment is always the same: a vulgar mind, a puerile wit, a cruel disposition as a rule, and always the spirit of treachery.

A DOG'S TALE, by Mark Twain [MT#35][mtdtl10.txt]3174

My father was a St. Bernard, my mother was a collie, but I am a Presbyterian. This is what my mother told me, I do not know these nice distinctions myself.

And it was the same with phrases. She would drag home a whole phrase, if it had a grand sound, and play it six nights and two matinees, and explain it a new way every time--which she had to, for all she cared for was the phrase; she wasn't interested in what it meant, and knew those dogs hadn't wit enough to catch her, anyway. Yes, she was a daisy! She got so she wasn't afraid of anything, she had such confidence in the ignorance of those creatures.

By and by came my little puppy, and then my cup was full, my happiness was perfect. It was the dearest little waddling thing, and so smooth and soft and velvety, and had such cunning little awkward paws, and such affectionate eyes, and such a sweet and innocent face; and it made me so proud to see how the children and their mother adored it, and fondled it, and exclaimed over every little wonderful thing it did. It did seem to me that life was just too lovely to--

I have watched two whole weeks, and he doesn't come up! This last week a fright has been stealing upon me. I think there is something terrible about this. I do not know what it is, but the fear makes me sick

A BURLESQUE AUTOBIOGRAPHY, by Mark Twain [MT#36][mtbbg10.txt]3175

Ours is a noble old house, and stretches a long way back into antiquity. The earliest ancestor the Twains have any record of was a friend of the family by the name of Higgins. This was in the eleventh century, when our people were living in Aberdeen, county of Cork, England. Why it is that our long line has ever since borne the maternal name (except when one of them now and then took a playful refuge in an alias to avert foolishness), instead of Higgins, is a mystery which none of us has ever felt much desire to stir. It is a kind of vague, pretty romance, and we leave it alone. All the old families do that way.

Then for the next two hundred years the family tree shows a succession of soldiers--noble, high-spirited fellows, who always went into battle singing; right behind the army, and always went out a-whooping, right ahead of it.

Charles Henry Twain lived during the latter part of the seventeenth century, and was a zealous and distinguished missionary. He converted sixteen thousand South Sea islanders, and taught them that a dog-tooth necklace and a pair of spectacles was not enough clothing to come to divine service in. His poor flock loved him very, very dearly; and when his funeral was over, they got up in a body (and came out of the restaurant) with tears in their eyes, and saying, one to another, that he was a good tender missionary, and they wished they had some more of him.

THE INNOCENTS ABROAD, by Mark Twain [MT#37][mtinn10.txt]3176