Part 5

Of this establishment how can we speak? Its cheese is mity, and its ale is weak.

ANON.

At a fête at Hatfield House, _tableaux vivants_ were among the chief amusements, and scenes from _Ivanhoe_ were among the selections. All the parts were filled up but that of _Isaac of York_. Lady Salisbury begged Lord Alvanley "to make the set complete, by doing the Jew." "Anything in my power your ladyship may demand," replied Alvanley; "but though no man in England has tried oftener, I never could _do a Jew_ in my life."

R. H. BARHAM, _Life_.

There's nothing we read of in torture's inventions, Like a well-meaning dunce with the best of intentions.

J. R. LOWELL, _A Fable for Critics_.

_THE POPE._

Miss D., on her return to the Highlands of Scotland, from Rome, went to see an auld Scottish wife, and said, to interest the old woman, "I have been to Rome since I saw you--I have seen all sorts of great people--I have seen the Pope." The sympathetic old dame replied with animation, "The Pope of Rome!--Honest marn!--haze he ony family?"

FREDERICK LOCKER, _Patchwork_.

Nay, tempt me not, Arab, again to stay; Since I crave neither _Echo_ nor _Fun_ to-day, For thy _hand_ is not Echoless--there they are, _Fun_, _Glowworm_, and _Echo_, and _Evening Star_: And thou hintest withal that thou fain wouldst shine, As I con them, these bulgy old boots of mine. But I shrink from thee, Arab! Thou eat'st eel-pie, Thou evermore hast at least one black eye; There is brass on thy brow, and thy swarthy hues Are due not to nature but handling shoes; And the bit in thy mouth, I regret to see, Is a bit of tobacco-pipe--Flee, child, flee!

C. S. CALVERLEY, _Fly Leaves_.

The bulk of men in our days are just as immoral as they were in Charles the Second's; the only difference is that they are incomparably more stupid, and that instead of decking their immorality with the jewels of wit, they clumsily try to cover it with the tarpaulin of respectability.

_Mr. Luke_, in MALLOCK's _New Republic_.

_WHY WIVES MAKE NO WILLS._

Men dying make their wills, why cannot wives? Because wives have their wills during their lives.

R. HUGMAN (_circa_ 1628).

What the mischief do you suppose you want with a post-office at Baldwin's Ranch? It would not do you any good. If any letters came there, you couldn't read them, you know; and besides, such letters as ought to pass through, with money in them, for other localities, would not be likely to _get_ through, you must perceive at once; and that would make trouble for us all. No; don't bother about a post-office at your camp. What you want is a nice jail, you know--a nice, substantial jail, and a free school. These will be a lasting benefit to you. These will make you really contented and happy.

MARK TWAIN, _Choice Works_.

Nous avons tous assez de force pour supporter les maux d'autrui.

LA ROCHEFOUCAULD, _Réflexions_.

Rogers happened to ask Macaulay what he thought of Miss Harriet Martineau's wonderful cures by mesmerism. He said, with one of his rare smiles, "Oh, it's all my eye, and Hetty Martineau!"

LADY CHATTERTON, _Life_.

Tame is Virtue's school; Paint, as more effective, Villain, knave, and fool, With always a Detective. Hate for Love may sit; Gloom will do for Gladness; Banish Sense and Wit, And dash in lots of Madness.

Stir the broth about; Keep the furnace glowing; Soon we'll pour it out In three bright volumes flowing. Some may jeer and jibe: _We_ know where the shop is, Ready to subscribe For a thousand copies!

LORD NEAVES, _Songs and Verses_.

Th' young men noo-a-days, they're poor squashy things--the' looke well anoof, but the' woon't wear, the' woon't wear.

_"Mester" Ford_, in GEORGE ELIOT's _Mr. Gilfil_.

"Where are the boys of my youth?" I assure you this is not a conundrum. Some are amongst you here--some in America--some are in gaol.

Hence arises a most touching question: "Where are the girls of my youth?" Some are married--some would like to be.

C. F. BROWNE, _Artemus Ward's Lecture_.

Mark how the lorgnettes cautiously they raise Lest points, no pose so thoughtless but displays, A too quick curiosity should hide-- For they who gaze must gazed-at be beside.

ALFRED AUSTIN, _The Season_.

I sent the book down to the Dean, from Saunders and Otley's. Speaking of that firm, I don't know whether I told you of young Sutton, Lord Canterbury's son, calling there one day very angry, because they had not sent him some books he had ordered. He was, as usual, pretty warm, and so much so that one of the partners could bear it no longer, and told him as much. "I don't know who you are," was the answer, "but I don't want to annoy you _personally_, as you may not be the one in fault: it's your confounded house that I blame. You may be Otley, or you may be Saunders; if you are Saunders, d---- Otley; if you are Otley, d---- Saunders. I mean nothing personal _to you_."

R. H. BARHAM, _Life_.

Of all actions of a man's life, his marriage does least concern other people, yet of all actions of our life 'tis most meddled with by other people.

SELDEN, _Table Talk_.

A grave and quiet man was he, Who loved his book and rod,-- So even ran his line of life His neighbours thought it odd.

He ne'er aspired to rank or wealth, Nor cared about a name, For though much famed for fish was he, He never fished for fame!

Let others bend their necks at sight Of Fashion's gilded wheels, He ne'er had learned the art to "bob" For anything but eels!

JOHN GODFREY SAXE, _Poems_.

A little knowledge of the world is a very dangerous thing, especially in literature.

_Lord Montfort_, in LORD BEACONSFIELD's _Endymion_.

Si les hommes ne se flattaient pas les uns les autres, il n'y aurait guère de société.

VAUVENARGUES, _Réflexions_.

The gravest aversion exists among bears From rude forward persons who give themselves airs,-- We know how some graceless young people were maul'd For plaguing a Prophet, and calling him _bald_.

Strange ursine devotion! their dancing-days ended, Bears die to "remove" what, in life, they defended: They succour'd the Prophet, and, since that affair, The bald have a painful regard for the bear.

FREDERICK LOCKER, _London Lyrics_.

Heaven knows what would become of our sociality if we never visited people we speak ill of; we should live, like Egyptian hermits, in crowded solitude.

GEORGE ELIOT, _Janet's Repentance_.

Methinks the older that one grows Inclines us more to laugh than scold, though laughter Leaves us so doubly serious shortly after.

LORD BYRON, _Beppo_.

We ought never to contend for what we are not likely to obtain.

CARDINAL DE RETZ, _Memoirs_.

"I will never marry a woman who cannot carve," said M----. "Why?" "Because she would not be a help-meat for me."

_Literary Gazette._

Twinkle, twinkle, little bat! How I wonder what you're at! Up above the world you fly, Like a tea-tray in the sky.

LEWIS CARROLL, _Alice in Wonderland_.

We had for dinner, among other things, a ham which was not well flavoured; and Mrs. Frederick Mackenzie, who was annoyed about it, began apologizing, and saying that Ellerton, the local grocer, had sold it to her as something very excellent, and as a genuine Westphalia. "Ah!" said Compton, "I cannot determine precisely whether it is east or west, but it is a _failure_ of some sort."

R. B. CARTER, in _Memoir of H. Compton_.

One of the company asserting that he had seen a pike caught, which weighed thirty-six pounds, and was four feet in length,--"Had it been a sole," said Harry [Sandford], "it would have surprised me less, as Shakespeare tells us, 'All the _souls_ that are, were _four feet_ (forfeit) once.'"

R. H. BARHAM, _Life_.

There is safety in numbers, especially in odd numbers. The Three Graces never married, neither did the Nine Muses.

_Kenelm Chillingly_, in LORD LYTTON's novel.

_DISTICH._

There are three species of creatures who when they seem coming are going, When they seem going they come: Diplomats, women, and crabs.

JOHN HAY, _Poems_.

If a man might know The ill he must undergo, And shun it so, Then were it good to know. But if he undergo it, Though he know it, What boots him know it? He must undergo it.

SIR JOHN SUCKLING.

Barry Cornwall told me that when he and Charles Lamb were once making up a dinner-party together, Charles asked him not to invite a certain lugubrious friend of theirs. "Because," said Lamb, "he would cast a damper even over a funeral."

J. T. FIELDS, _Yesterdays with Authors_.

L'amour plaît plus que le mariage, par la raison que les romans sont plus amusants que l'histoire.

CHAMFORT, _Maximes_.

The farmers daughter hath frank blue eyes; (_Butter and eggs and a pound of cheese_) She hears the rooks caw in the windy skies, As she sits at her lattice and shells her peas.

The farmer's daughter hath ripe red lips; (_Butter and eggs and a pound of cheese_) If you try to approach her, away she skips Over tables and chairs with apparent ease.

The farmer's daughter hath soft brown hair; (_Butter and eggs and a pound of cheese_) And I met with a ballad, I can't say where, Which wholly consisted of lines like these.

C. S. CALVERLEY, _Fly Leaves_.

Macready told a story of George B----, the actor, who, it seems, was not popular in the profession, being considered a sort of time-server: "There goes Georgius," said some one. "Not Georgium Sidus?" replied Keeley. "Yes," added Power, "Georgium _Any_-sidus."

R. H. BARHAM, _Life_.

I'm weary, and sick, and disgusted With Britain's mechanical din; Where I'm much too well known to be trusted, And plaguily pestered for tin; Where love has two eyes for your banker, And one chilly flame for yourself; Where souls can afford to be franker, But where they're well garnished with pelf.

I'm sick of the whole race of poets, Emasculate, misty, and fine; They brew their small beer, and don't know its Distinction from full-bodied wine. I'm sick of the prosers, that house up At drowsy St. Stephen's--ain't you? I want some strong spirits to rouse up A good resolution or two!

_Bon Gaultier Ballads_.

"On one occasion," said Brummell, "I called to inquire after a young lady who had sprained her ankle. Lewis, on being asked how she was, had said in the black's presence, 'The doctor has seen her, put her legs straight, and the poor chicken is doing well.' The servant, therefore, told me, with a very mysterious and knowing look, 'Oh, sir, the doctor has been here; she has laid eggs, and she and the chickens are doing well.'"

GRONOW, _Recollections_.

A Scottish clergyman had some years since been cited before the Ecclesiastical Assembly at Edinburgh, to answer to a charge brought against him of great irreverence in religious matters, and Sir Walter [Scott] was employed by him to arrange his defence. The principal fact alleged against him was his having asserted, in a letter which was produced, that "he considered Pontius Pilate to be a very ill-used man, as he had done more for Christianity than all the other _nine Apostles_ put together." The fact was proved, and suspension followed.

R. H. BARHAM, _Life_.

_ON DIDACTICS IN POETRY._

Parnassus' peaks still catch the sun; But why--O lyric brother!-- Why build a Pulpit on the one, A Platform on the other?

AUSTIN DOBSON, in _Latter-Day Lyrics_.

My old fellow-traveller in Germany, himself an Irishman, being on the box of an Irish mail-coach on a very cold day, and observing the driver enveloping his neck in the voluminous folds of an ample "comforter," remarked, "You seem to be taking very good care of yourself, my friend." "Och, to be shure I am, sir," answered the driver; "what's all the world to a man when his wife's a widdy?"

J. R. PLANCHÉ, _Recollections_.

---- has nothing truly human about him; he can't even yawn like a man.

LADY ASHBURTON, _apud_ LORD HOUGHTON.

We are apt to be kinder to the brutes that love us than to the women that love us. Is it because the brutes are dumb?

GEORGE ELIOT, _Adam Bede_.

A frontispiece of a new magazine, With all the fashions which the last month wore, Colour'd, and silver-paper leaved between That and the title page, for fear the press Should soil with parts of speech the parts of dress.

LORD BYRON, _Beppo_.

"I wish to consult you upon a little project I have formed," said a noodle to his friend. "I have an idea in my head----" "Have you?" interposed the friend, with a look of great surprise; "then you shall have my opinion at once: _keep it there_!--it may be some time before you get another."

HORACE SMITH, _The Tin Trumpet_.

On aime mieux dire du mal de soi-même que de n'en point parler.

LA ROCHEFOUCAULD, _Réflexions_.

And I said, "Why is this thus? What is the reason of this thusness?"

C. F. BROWNE, _Artemus Ward's Lecture_.

_THEOLOGICAL HOROLOGY._

There's this to say about the Scotch, So bother bannocks, braes, and birks, They can't produce a decent watch, For Calvinists despise good works.

SHIRLEY BROOKS, _Wit and Humour_.

Dawson told a good story about the Irish landlord counting out the change of a guinea. "12, 13, 14" (a shot heard); "Bob, go and see who's that that's killed; 15, 16, 17" (enter Bob). "It's Kelly, sir." "Poor Captain Kelly, a very good customer of mine; 18, 19, 20--there's your change, sir."

THOMAS MOORE, _Diary_.

Can this be Balbus, household word for all, Whose earliest exploit was to build a wall: Who, with a frankness that I'm sure must charm ye, Declared it was all over with the army? Can this be he who feasted, as 'twas said, The town at forty sesterces a head? But, while the thankless mob his bounty quaffed, Historians add--that there were some who laughed.

_Horace_, in G. O. TREVELYAN's _Horace at Athens_.

I should never like scolding any one else so well; and that is a point to be thought of in a husband.

_Mary Garth_, in GEORGE ELIOT's _Middlemarch_.

In Logic a woman may seldom excel; But in Rhetoric always she bears off the bell. Fair Portia will show woman's talent for law, When in old Shylock's bond she could prove such a flaw. She would blunder in physic no worse than the rest, She could leave things to Nature as well as the best, She could feel at your wrist, she could finger your fee; Then why should a woman not get a degree?

LORD NEAVES, _Songs and Verses_.

_Quam parvâ sapientiâ regitur mundus._ Say rather, _quam magnâ stultitiâ_.

CHARLES BUXTON, _Notes of Thought_.

The padded corsage and the well-matched hair, Judicious jupon spreading out the spare, Sleeves well designed soft plumpness to impart, Leave vacant still the hollows of the heart.

ALFRED AUSTIN, _The Season_.

A Tailor is partly an alchemist, for he extracteth his own apparel out of other men's clothes.

SIR THOMAS OVERBURY, _Characters_.

I am quite ashamed to take people into my garden, and have them notice the absence of onions. In onion is strength; and a garden without it lacks flavour.

C. D. WARNER, _My Summer in a Garden_.

Torbay had incurred a good deal of expense To make him a Scotchman in every sense But this is a matter, you'll readily own, That isn't a question of tailors alone.

A Sassenach chief may be bonily built, He may purchase a sporran, a bonnet, and kilt, Stick a skean in his hose--wear an acre of stripes-- But he cannot assume an affection for pipes.

W. S. GILBERT, _Bab Ballads_.

When you have found the master-passion of a man, remember never to trust him where that passion is concerned.

LORD CHESTERFIELD, _Letters to his Son_.

_ON ONE WHO SPOKE LITTLE._

"I hardly ever ope my lips," one cries: "Simonides, what think you of my rule?" "If you're a fool, I think you're very wise; If you are wise, I think you are a fool."

R. GARNETT, _Idylls and Epigrams_.

Nous aimons mieux voir ceux à qui nous faisons du bien que ceux qui nous en font.

LA ROCHEFOUCAULD, _Réflexions_.

_ALL SAINTS'_.

In a church which is furnish'd with mullion and gable, With altar and reredos, with gargoyle and groin, The penitents' dresses are sealskin and sable, The odour of sanctity's eau-de-Cologne. But only could Lucifer, flying from Hades, Gaze down on this crowd with its panniers and paints, He would say, as he look'd at the lords and the ladies, "Oh, where is All Sinners', if this is All Saints'?"

EDMUND YATES.

If we are long absent from our friends, we forget them; if we are constantly with them, we despise them.

W. HAZLITT, _Characteristics_.

A well-known _litterateur_, on seeing [Lady Ruthven], after breakfast, feeding her pheasants with crumbs and milk, exclaimed, "Ah! I see your ladyship is preparing them _here_, for bread-sauce _hereafter_."

J. C. YOUNG, _Diary_.

The second canto of the "Pleasures of Memory," as published in the first edition, commenced with the lines-- "Sweet memory, wafted by thy gentle gale, Oft up the tide of Time I turn my sail."

[A] critic remarked on this passage that it suggested the alliteration-- "Oft up the tide of Time I turn my _tail_."

ROGERS, _Table Talk_.

I like the man who makes a pun, Or drops a deep remark; I like philosophy or fun-- A lecture or a lark; But I despise the men who gloat Inanely over anecdote.

Ah me! I'd rather live alone Upon a desert isle, Without a voice except my own To cheer me all the while, Than dwell with men who learn by rote Their paltry funds of anecdote.

H. S. LEIGH, _Carols of Cockayne_.

No woman is too silly not to have a genius for spite.

ANNA C. STEELE.

That's what a man wants in a wife mostly; he wants to make sure o' one fool as 'ull tell him he's wise.

_Mrs. Poyser_, in GEORGE ELIOT's _Adam Bede_.

The characters of great and small Come ready-made, we can't bespeak one; Their sides are many, too,--and all (Except ourselves) have got a weak one. Some sanguine people love for life, Some love their hobby till it flings them.-- How many love a pretty wife For love of the _éclat_ she brings them!

FREDERICK LOCKER, _London Lyrics_.

Conscience, in most souls, is like an English Sovereign--it reigns, but it does not govern. Its function is merely to give a formal assent to the Bills passed by the passions; and it knows, if it opposes what those are really bent upon, that ten to one it will be obliged to abdicate.

_Leslie_, in MALLOCK's _New Republic_.

If you are pious (mild form of insanity), Bow down and worship the mass of humanity. Other religions are buried in mists; We're our own Gods, say the Positivists.

MORTIMER COLLINS, _The British Birds_.

We were sitting in the green-room one evening during the performance, chatting and laughing, she [Mrs. Nesbitt] having a book in her hand which she had to take on the stage with her in the next scene, when Brindal, a useful member of the company, but not particularly remarkable for wit or humour, came to the door, and, leaning against it, in a sentimental manner drawled out,-- "If to her share some female errors fall, Look in her face----"

He paused. She raised her beautiful eyes to him, and consciously smiled--_her_ smile--in anticipation of the well-known complimentary termination of the couplet, when, with a deep sigh, he added-- "----and you'll _believe_ them all!"

J. R. PLANCHÉ, _Recollections_.

_THE MAIDENS._

Perhaps, O lovers, if we did our hair _A la_ Medea, and if our garments were Draped classically, we should seem more fair.

_THE YOUTHS._

By doing this ye would not us befool; Medea! the idea makes our blood run cool; Besides, of classics we'd enough at school.

_Once a Week_.

Pledge me round, I bid ye declare, All good fellows whose beards are grey, Did not the fairest of the fair Common grow and wearisome ere Ever a month was passed away?

The reddest lips that ever have kissed, The brightest eyes that ever have shone, May pray and whisper, and we not list, Or look away, and never be missed, Ere yet ever a month is gone.

W. M. THACKERAY.

It was known that Lord St. Jerome gave at his ball suppers the same champagne that he gave at his dinners, and that was of the highest class: in short, a patriot. We talk with wondering execration of the great poisoners of past ages, the Borgias, the inventor of Aqua tofana, and the amiable Marchioness de Brinvilliers; but Pinto was of opinion that there were more social poisoners about in the present day than in the darkest and most demoralized periods, and then none of them are punished; which is so strange, he would add, as they are all found out.

LORD BEACONSFIELD, _Lothair_.

Seared is, of course, my heart:--but unsubdued Is, and shall be, my appetite for food.

C. S. CALVERLEY, _Verses and Translations_.

Sheil had learnt and forgotten the exordium of a speech which began with the word "Necessity." This word he had repeated three times, when Sir Robert Peel broke in--"is not _always_ the mother of invention."

ABRAHAM HAYWARD, _Essays_.

_ON MR. FROUDE AND CANON KINGSLEY._

Froude informs the Scottish youth Parsons have small regard for truth; The Reverend Canon Kingsley cries That History is a pack of lies. What cause for judgment so malign? A brief reflection solves the mystery: Froude believes Kingsley a divine, And Kingsley goes to Froude for history.

ANON.

Dined with Sydney Smith. He said that his brother Robert had, in King George III.'s time, translated the motto, "_Libertas sub rege pio_," "The pious king has got liberty under."

R. H. BARHAM, _Life_.

_Landlord_: He's only a genus. _Glavis_: A what? _Landlord_: A genus!--a man who can do everything in life except anything that's useful--that's a genus.

LORD LYTTON, _The Lady of Lyons_.

First love is a pretty romance, But not half so sweet as 'tis reckoned; And when one wakes from the trance, There's a vast stock of bliss in the second.

And e'en should a second subside, A lover should never despair; The world is uncommonly wide, And the women uncommonly fair.

The poets their raptures may tell, Who have never been put to the test; A first love is all very well, But, believe me, the last love's the best.

MR. BERNAL.

I've nothing to say again' her piety, my dear; but I know very well I shouldn't like her to cook my victual. When a man comes in hungry an' tired, piety won't feed him, I reckon. Hard carrots 'ull lie heavy on his stomach, piety or no piety. It's right enough to be speritial--I'm no enemy to that; but I like my potatoes mealy.

_Mrs. Linnet_, in GEORGE ELIOT's _Janet's Repentance_.

Somehow, sitting cosily here, I think of the sunny summertide hours, When the what-do-you-call-'em warbles clear, And the breezes blow--likewise the flowers.

_Once a Week._

A lawyer's brief will be brief, before a freethinker thinks freely.

_Guesses at Truth._

Juxtaposition, in fine; and what is juxtaposition? Look you, we travel along in the railway, carriage or steamer, And, _pour passer le temps_, till the tedious journey be ended, Lay aside paper or book, to talk to the girl who is next one; And, _pour passer le temps_, with the terminus all but in prospect, Talk of eternal ties and marriages made in heaven.

_Claude_, in CLOUGH's _Amours de Voyage_.

We measure the excellency of other men by some excellency we conceive to be in ourselves.

SELDEN, _Table Talk_.