Chapter 3

But to our WALLACKIAN old comedy. The curtain rises upon the veteran GILBERT and the handsome ROCKWELL. They converse in the following style:

GILBERT.--"Well, you young dog, ha! ha! So you have decided to make your old uncle happy by marrying my neighbor's daughter. Gad! I remember my own wedding-day. Well, well; we won't talk about that now, but hark ye, you young villain, if you don't marry the girl, I cut you off with a shilling."

ROCKWELL.--"My dear uncle, I can have no greater pleasure than to fulfil your wishes. But suppose our adorable young neighbor has the ill-breeding to refuse me."

GILBERT.--"Refuse you! Refuse my nephew? Gad! I'd like to see THOMAS OLDBOY permit his daughter to refuse my nephew! I'd--d--e, I'd--" (chokes and stamps with rage.)

Further on we meet with Miss OLDBOY and her mother,--the latter a stout old lady, addicted to smelling salts and yellow silks.

LYDIA OLDBOY.--"To-day I am expecting the arrival of young WILDOATS, who comes to pay his addresses to me. I wonder if he is like that dear, delightful THADDEUS OF WARSAW."

Mrs. OLDBOY.--"Now, Miss, remember that your honored father insists upon this match. I expect you to be a dutiful daughter, and accede to his wishes. Here comes the young man himself."

ROCKWELL.--"My. dear Mrs. OLDBOY, I am charmed to see you. You are looking positively younger than your ravishingly beautiful daughter. Fair LYDIA, I come to lay my heart at your feet. 'Tis the wish of my uncle and your honored father that we should unite our respective houses. Let me touch that exquisite hand. Unseal those ruby lips and tell me that I am the happiest of men."

Here the UNCLE and OLDBOY enter. They chuckle, and poke one another in the ribs, remarking "Gad" and "Zounds" at intervals. They bless the young couple, and order up some of the old Madeira. The curtain falls as OLDBOY gives the health of the young people, with the wish that they may have a dozen children, and a cellar never without plenty of this splendid old Madeira,--"that your father, bottled, Miss LYDIA, the year our gracious sovereign came to the throne."

This is a fair sample of the old comedy. The oaths are of course omitted, out of deference to the tender susceptibilities of the editor of PUNCHINELLO. So are the indecencies, which are the spice of the old comedy, but which cannot be written in a respectable journal, and are almost too gross and brutal for the _Sun_. Take from an old comedy its oaths and its grossness, and nothing is left but a residuum of boisterous inanity. The condensed old comedy which has just been laid before the readers of PUNCHINELLO, is as inane and vapid as anything that WALLACK'S theatre has shown us in the past month. Do you find it dull? For my part, I don't hesitate to say that the "Essence of Old Virginny," as furnished by the venerable poet, Mr. DANIEL BRYANT, is vastly more amusing than the Essence of Old Comedy.

All of which I say, in my most impressive manner, to MARGARET as we struggle through the crowded lobby. But she irreverently disputes my assertions, and asks, "How is it that everybody admires these comedies if they are so wretched as you say they are? Is your judgment better than that of anybody else?"

There being nothing to say, if I mean to maintain my ground, except that my judgment is the only infallible critical judgment in this city or elsewhere, I promptly and unblushingly say so. But MARGARET tells me I am "a goose"--(I think I have mentioned that she is my aunt, and hence allows herself these pleasing freedoms of speech)--and says that I shall take her to see the old comedies every night, until I am willing to say that I like them.

Who is there that, in view of this threat, will not drop the tear of sensibility, so neatly alluded to by Mr. STERNE, in sympathy with the prospective sufferings of

MATADOR.

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UNIVERSITY-MANIA.

MY DEAR P.:--I have made some curious observations of this disease, which lead to startling conclusions.

It is a malady peculiar to the United States, being an eruption resulting from indigestion of unripe knowledge, together with excess of vanity in individual blood.

Universities spring up among us like mushrooms, in a night. The seed of knowledge is sown broadcast over our land. In fact, in this particular we may be said to be very seedy, indeed.

For my part I have no objection to Universities--when they _are_ Universities. But, at the rate at which we are now progressing, we shall soon have "every man his own University." It will become the fashion to keep a University in the back-yard. And then, you know, the institution must have its own particular organ, you know. Every man, and every member of his family, shall print his or her _Free Press_, and independence of opinion shall reign.

Glorious country! Glorious free speech! With WALT WHITMAN, we may well exclaim: O the BROWN University! O the splendid University of SMITH! O CORNELL, his University!

_&c. ad infinitum._

As for me, dear NELLO, I am in the front rank of civilization. I have accepted the Chair of Cane-bottom in a Grub-Street garret, and rejoice in a barrel-organ, which plays with great freedom of speech.

Yours pedagoguically,

JEREMY DOGWOOD.

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A. Sop for Ireland.

It is stated that Queen VICTORIA has ordered from a Dublin manufacturer an extensive assortment of Balbriggan hosiery for the wedding outfit of the Princess LOUISE. There is a stroke of policy in this. In firemen's phrase it may be called laying on the "hose" to quench disloyalty.

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THE HOUSE THAT JACK BUILT. The Marine Hospital.

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TRIALS OF A WITNESS.

MR. PUNCHINELLO:--As all people seem to come to you with their troubles and grievances, I hope you will not refuse to listen to my woes. And whether they are woes or not, I leave you to judge for yourself.

At the beginning of last week I made my first appearance in any court-room, in the character of a witness, in the case of VALENTINE vs. ORSON; in which the point in dispute was the ownership of a tract of land in Wyoming Territory. I knew something in regard to the sale of these lands, and was fully prepared to testify to the extent of my knowledge in the premises; but judge of my utter surprise and horror on being obliged to go through such an ordeal as the following extracts from my examination will indicate.

The counsel for the plaintiff commenced by asking me if I was a married man, and when I had answered that. I was, he said:--

"Is your wife a believer in the principles of the Woman's Rights party?"

I could not, for the life of me, see what this had to do with the land in Wyoming, but I answered, that I was happy to say she was not.

The examination then proceeded as follows:--

_Q._ You are happy, then, in your matrimonial relations? _A._ Yes--(and remembering the oath) reasonably so.

_Q._ Is your wife pretty? _A._ (Witness remembering at once his oath and his wife's presence in court) She is pretty pretty.

_Q._ What are her defects? _A._ (Witness remembering only his wife's presence.) I have never been able to discover them.

_Q._ Do you wear flannel? _A._ Yes, in winter.

_Q._ Can you testify, upon your oath, that you do not wear flannel in summer? _A._ I can.

_Q._ Now be careful in your answer. What do you wear in the spring and fall? _A._ I--I wear my common clothes.

_Q._ With flannel, or without flannel? _A._ Sometimes with, and sometimes without.

_Q._ No evasion; you must tell the Court exactly when you wear flannel, and when you do not.

A series of questions on this subject brought out the fact that I wore flannel when the weather was cold, or cool; and did not wear it when it was mild, or warm.

_Q._ Have you a lightning-rod on your house? _A._ I have.

_Q._ How much did it cost you to have it put up? _A._ It has not cost me anything yet--I owe for it.

_Q._ Is that all you owe for? _A._ No, I have other debts.

_Q._ Have you any money with you now? _A._ I have.

_Q._ How much? _A._ (Counting contents of porte-monnaie.) Sixty-two cents.

_Q._ Where did you get that? _A._ (With embarrassment.) I borrowed it.

_Q._ Were you present when defendant first offered his land for sale to the plaintiff? _A._ (Brightening up.) I was.

_Q._ Do you burn gas or kerosene in your house? _A._ Gas.

_Q._ How many burners? _A._ Ten, I think.

_Q._ Are you willing to assert, upon your solemn oath, that there are only ten? _A._ (Witness counting on his fingers.) I am.

_Q._ Do you wear studs or buttons on your shirt fronts? _A._ Studs.

_Q._ Gold, or pearl? _A._ Mother-of-pearl, as a general thing, but sometimes I wear one gold one at the top.

_Q._ Were all your studs of mother-of-pearl, at the time when you first heard this transaction mentioned between the parties? _A._ They were.

_Q._ Do you ever wear your gold stud in the middle of your bosom? _A._ No, sir, I always wear it at the top.

_Q._ Do you ever wear it at the bottom? Can you swear it was not at the bottom on the day of the transaction referred to? _A._ I distinctly remember that I did not wear it at all that day.

_Q._ Did you wear it that night? _A._ No, sir.

_Q._ Can you swear that after you went to bed you did not wear it? _A._ I can.

_Q._ Have you ever been vaccinated? _A._ I have.

_Q._ On which arm? _A._ The left.

_Q._ At the of the first mention of this land to the plaintiff, who were present? _A._ (Witness speaking with hopeful vivacity, as if he hoped they were now coming to the merits of the case.) The plaintiff, the defendant, and myself.

_Q._ Do you use the Old Dominion coffee-pot in your house? _A._ (Dejectedly.) No, sir.

_Q._ What kind of a coffee pot do you use? _A._ A common tin one.

_Q._ You are willing to swear it is tin? _A._ I am.

_Q._ Has your wife any sisters? _A._ She has two; ANNA and JANE.

_Q._ Are they married _A._ They are.

_Q._ Are either of them prettier than your wife? _A._ (Quickly.) No, sir.

_Q._ Have you any children? _A._ Two.

_Q._ Have they had the measles? _A._ They have.

_Q._ Has any other person in your household had the measles? _A._ I have had them, and my wife has had them.

_Q._ How do you know your wife has had them? _A._ She told me so.

_Q._ Then you did not see her have them? _A._ No, sir.

_Q._ We want no hearsay evidence here; how can you swear that she has had them when you did not see her have them? _A._ She told me so, and I believed her.

_Q._ Did she take an oath that she had had them? _A._ No sir.

_Q._ Then, sir, you are trifling with the Court. Do you understand the obligations of an oath? _A._ I do.

_Q._ Beware, then, that you are not committed for perjury. Is your gas-metre ever frozen? _A._ Yes, sir.

_Q._ What do you use when the gas will not burn? _A._ Candles.

_Q._ How many to the pound? _A._ Nine.

_Q._ How do you know there are nine to the pound? _A._ They are sold as nines.

_Q._ Then you never weighed them yourself? _A._ No, sir.

_Counsel_, to the _Court_. May it please your Honor, this is the second time that this witness has positively testified, under solemn oath, to important points of which he has no certain knowledge. I ask the Court for protection for myself and my client.

Here a long discussion took place between the lawyers and the Judge, and at the end of it the case was postponed for four months. I suppose it is expected that I will then re-ascend the witness-stand; but I have determined that when I enter a court-room again I shall appear as a criminal. These fellows have much the easiest times, and they run so little risk, nowadays, that their position is far preferable to that of the unfortunate witnesses.

J. BADGER.

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Singular Fatuity.

The reason why so few persons emigrate to this country from Poland, is the general belief prevailing there that we have throughout the Union a heavy Pole tax.

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THE A.B.C. OF NEW YORK SOCIALISM. ANDREWS, BRISBANE, AND CLAFLIN.

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POEMS OF THE POLICE.

I, MARY SMITH.

O gallant p'licemen, list to me, I'll sing a mournful ditty About a poor young serving-gal, What lived in this here city.

She had a name, and SMITH it was (The rest of it was MARY); Her constant duty, at daybreak, Was sweeping out the arey.

One evening she went to a jig (Her missus was attending A private hop), when there befel What truly was heart-rending.

She wore her missus' gayest clothes, Her muslin dress all fluty, Her waterfall and tag-rags all, Which well became her beauty.

But missus found poor MARY out, And in a p'liceman took her, And walked her up before the Judge, On charge of being a hooker.

The missus swore the girl a thief Her property as lifted, Which proved beyond all doubt would be When things came to be sifted.

The girl said she'd been to a jig; Then out spoke Judge MCCARTY, "You must not wear the fixings of A party to a party."

They sent her up for sixteen months,-- Oh! drop a tear to MARY, Whose missus ne'er shall see her more A-sweeping out the arey.

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Sic Transit.

Life being in any event a transitory affair, and especially so in New York, where, every one lives some miles from his business, our means of transit are of interest to every one. However well the owners of those at present in use may insist that they are, yet the public feels they should be better, and Mr. PUNCHINELLO, having the interest of his fellow-citizens at heart, most earnestly hopes that the undertakers of the last new scheme will not so mistake the meaning of this term as to suppose that their business with it is simply to bury it.

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Discounting a Bill.

The Germans are disposed to glorify their king, and look upon him as the Great WILLIAM; but when they commence to calculate the cost of his glory, in men slaughtered, homes desolated, women beggared, industries destroyed, taxes increased, and liberty chained, it is more than probable that they will become disgusted with their Little BILL.

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Query

Can Russia's designs upon Turkey, at this season of the year, be attributed to her admiration and imitation of New England Thanksgiving customs?

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A Maniac's Mutterings.

PUNCHINELLO'S special Lunatic gives it as his opinion, that a continuance of a horse-flesh diet in Paris must go far towards disturbing the Parisian Equine-imity.

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An Old Saw Sharpened.

Some one has applied the old Latin motto, _"Horas non numero nisi serenas,"_ to Mr. GREELEY, by making it read, "HORACE is of no account except when serene," which, by the by, he never is.

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Query for Naturalists.

How can a person who stands four feet in his boots be called biped?

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DENTS-LY FILLED. Government offices.

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HIRAM GREEN ON MARK TWAIN'S BABY.

The "Lait Gustice" congratulates the newly organized Papa.

SKEENSBORO, NYE ONTO VARMONT.

Friend TWAIN--Allow an old statesman, which has served his country for 4 yeers as Gustise of the Peece, rite a congratulotery letter to you on your success as a boy raisest. Altho your name is MARK TWAIN, I notiss that on this occashon you dident Mark but One.

I am a little older in years and _Parentelism_ than you are, and am able to call myself the seenyer pardner in a firm who are the sole proprieters of eleven offspring and 2 grand-children.

Raisin children is a bizziniss which haint every mans best holt, and as long as you've got into the bizziness, excoose me for givin you a little wisdom, which you as a parent must swaller without makin up a face.

If your child, in its infantile days, is given to squallin nites, obtain a beverige, called soothin sirup, and just before you pull off your butes nites, give the little cuss about 3 tablespoons full, and he will sleep so sound that you can use him for a piller. Should he kick & squall, and refuse to take it, lay him down onto the floor, set on him, then takin hold of his nose, pour the stuff down his throte, and you've got him, ekal to Jo JEFFERSON'S Rip Van Winkle 20 yeers snooze.

To amoose him--If your wife is too bizzy durin the day, doin the cookin, washin, &c. 4th, to amoose the child, give him an ink bottle, and set him down on the parler carpet. If he has any idee of geografy, when you come home nites you will find a good helthy map of the black sea, which Rooshy will insist on bein added to your war map.

Another way of amusin him, is to give him a raiser, and let him play learn to shave. If he should cut his nose off, it would make the little _shaver smart_.

If you expect to bring your boy up to hold offis,' let him cultivate cheek. This is done by tyin his grandmother in her rockin cheer, and lettin him pelt the old lady with snow balls in the winter time. In the summer time get him a bow and arrer, and let him see how neer he come to the venerable lady's nose without breakin her spectorcals. If this don't make him cheeky enuff to hold offis, let him pour a lot of benzine onto his little cuzzin, then push her onto a red hot cole stove. If he can do this and think it a joak, he will do for a cabinet offiser.

If he tries to jump over parental authority, fill him with shot, same as _your_ man did his jumpin frog, only pour it into him with a mustick.

If you've got any regard for our nashnal caracter, don't let your son rite comic copy for the noosepapers, after which, be so rash as to rite a book, and have English crickets set up their darn singin, when they catch your little _innocent abroad_.

JOHN BULL don't tickle easy, remember that. I actually believe you couldent stir him with a hul bag full of laffin gas.

As your boy has entered the Lecture field, I shouldent be surprised if he got up quite a _breeze_ on the roast-rum. In fact, when he opens his mouth before an audience, look out for _squalls_.

When your offspring is big enuff to enjoy chastisin, remember the "good little boy," and examine your son's garments to see if the lad has been roostin onto any nitro-gleserine cans, lest the parental hand, when brought in contact with the youth's _habeas corpus_, mite necessitate the sweepin up of father and son's scattered remnants.

Let your son reed the works on good morril men's lives.

By the time he gets old enuff to read, I will have my life out in pamphlet form, and you can draw onto me for a copy. Beware of works of fiction. Don't let your boy have a great deal to do with such readin as HOYLE on Games, TOM PAINE on Infidelity, nor HORRIS GREELY on farmin. Such works are bringin more ruin onto the country, than the numerous jewrys of twelve talented men, who allow murderers to come the loonatic dodge over 'em.

I don't believe in spoilin the rod and sparin the child, but I think it is well enuff to keep a rod hung up in the barn, where your child can occasionally look at it, to see what he will come to, if he undertakes to kick over the traces.

Children are a good deal like wimmen. If you don't set _your_ foot down when you first get married your wimmen will raise _their_ foot up, and afore you realize any pain, your gentle form will be histed out into the street.

With boys you must begin talkin _turkey_, when they are young _goblins_, ef you don't, when they get old enuff, they will "strike for their sires," and _gobble_ up the old man's scalp.

Teach your son to honor his pa and ma, and decline the English mission, when it comes his turn.

Between you and I, aspirants for the honor of bordin with St. JIMMY are on the _decline_, Pitty it haint a gin-cocktail. I shouldent be surprised, if some big criminal was sentenced to go there yet, which minds me of a konundrum. Why is the English mission like lager beer?

Give 'er up?

Because it ruins any _minister's_ reputation, who goes for it.

Hopin that when you shovel off your mortil coil, that your mantle may not pass out of the family, and as time flies on with greased wings, you may make the family name _sound_ by bein able to Mark Twain in your family record, I drop the goose feather.

Ewers, parentally,

HIRAM GREEN, ESQ.,

Lait Gustise of the Peece.

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A SURE WAY OF DOING IT.

Seekers after notoriety must often be at their wits' end for some new sensation with which to advertise themselves. Mr. TWAIN, for instance, having gone through Fenianism and France, seems to have collapsed for the present; and here now comes Mr. WEMYSS JOBSON, who subsided into oblivion years ago, but has just emerged again into the light of _The Sun_. The efforts of both these gentlemen to keep themselves prominently before the public, however, are very inadequate and feeble. They should suffer more and be stronger. Let TRAIN do a bold stroke of business by declaring himself the perpetrator of the latest mysterious murder, and it might be the making of the exhumed JOBSON to revive a fossilized memory, and confess himself to be the criminal who delivered the fatal blow to the late Mr. WILLIAM PATTERSON.

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True to his Colors.

A Bostonian visiting New York, not long since, and reading in the papers that there was to be a celebration of Mass in an up-town church, decided to remain over Sunday for it, thinking, Bostonially, that Mass meant Massachusetts and nothing else.

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SUITABLE INSCRIPTION FOR A BOATMAN'S RACE-PRIZE. "The noblest Row-man of them all."

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POEMS OF THE CRADLE.

CANTO XIII.

When I was a bachelor I lived by myself; All the bread and cheese I had, I laid upon the shelf. But the rats and the mice they made such a strife, I was forced to go to London to buy myself a wife. The roads were so bad, and the lanes were so narrow, I had to bring my wife home in a wheelbarrow. The wheelbarrow broke. My wife had a fall; Deuce take the wheelbarrow, my wife, and all.