Chapter 4

O! AGOSTINO, Far better than the helmet of MAMBRINO, Or steel-wrought hauberk, fashioned for defence, Was this thy dodge; 'twas dexterous, immense! Your health, GIUSEPPE; and for PUNCHINELLO Construct to order--there's a jolly fellow-- A _mitrailleuse_, both long enough and large To kill the burglars, all, at one discharge.

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SORTES SHAKSPEARIANAE.

A Picture of the John Real Democracy:--

"What are these, So withered and so wild in their attire; That look not like the inhabitants o' the earth, And yet are on't?"

_Macbeth, Act 1, Sc. 3._

A Portrait of Woodford as a General:--

"That never set a squadron in the field, Nor the division of a battle knows."

_Othello, Act 1, Sc. 1._

Punchinello to Gov. Seymour:--

"HORATIO, thou art e'en as just a man As e'er my conversation coped withal."

_Hamlet, Act 3, Sc. 2._

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PUNCHINELLO CORRESPONDENCE

ANSWERS TO CORRESPONDENTS.

_Nux Vomica._ Can you give me a description of the sellebrated needall gun?

_Answer._ Your spelling is so eccentric that we guess you to be connected with the _Tribune_. As for the "needall" gun, we should define it as a gun without lock, stock, barrel, flint, percussion-cap, powder, ball, or anything else.

_O.D.V._ Yes: a man may die of _delirium tremens_ produced by drinking too much French wine. If the wine should happen to be Château Margot, the verdict of a Coroner's Jury would probably be--"died of a margot on the brain."

_Fumigator._ What is the proper spelling of the smoking mixture known as "Killikinnick"?

_Answer._ Some authorities derive it from a story about an old Canadian having smoked himself to death with it, and spell it "Kill a Kannuck." Others spell it "Kill a Cynic," and believe that DIOGENES, the founder of the Cynical School of philosophy, died of a surfeit of the article.

_Otis Bunker._ Was there not, in old times, a tax on fires in England, and did it not lead to an insurrection?

_Answer._ No tax on fires that we ever heard of. You are thinking, probably, of the Curfew Tolls mentioned by GRAY.

_Simon Succotash._ The expression to "wind a horn" is frequently used. Do people wind one as they would a watch; and, if so, what sort of key do they use?

_Answer._ Try the key of A Flat: _you_ are sure to have it.

_Pump-Handle._ Is it possible for a person to sleep during an earthquake?

_Answer._ Yes: we are acquainted with persons who can sleep soundly upon any kind of shake-down.

_Philander._ What is the best way of testing a horse's temper?

_Answer._ If you have a suspicion that the horse is quick to take a fence, just dash him at one and try.

_Gorman Dyzer._ We think it quite proper, as you suppose, to eat sausages with turkey on Thanksgiving Day. We decline to answer your other question, as to whether it is right to eat turkey with sausages on Thanksgiving Day. It is irrelevant.

_Caspar Van Keek._ Why is the height of a horse given in hands instead of feet?

_Answer._ Because it is considered handier, of course.

_John of Boston._ I have been blackballed at a club. What am I to do?

_Answer._ Let things alone. Clubs are not always Trumps.

_Margaret Shortcake._--I have a great dread of being buried alive. Will holding a looking-glass to the face of a person supposed to be dead determine whether breathing has ceased or not?

_Answer._ The test is used by physicians. There is an instance on record of a looking-glass being thus applied to a young girl who had been unconscious for hours. She opened her eyes to look at herself in it, which proved that she was wide awake.

_Widow McRue._--How soon after my husband's death would it be proper for me to give up my weeds?

_Answer._ If your husband allowed you to smoke during his life-time, we do not see why you should give up the practice after his death. Although we do not approve of women smoking, yet a fragrant weed between pearly teeth, with an azure cloud curling heavenward from it, has a certain fascination, and so our advice is, "Dry up (your tears), and light a fresh Havana."

_Speculator._--What is the best way to double a $20 bill?

_Answer._ With a paper-folder.

_Frost-on-the-Pane._--From languid circulation, or some other cause, I frequently go to bed with cold feet. How can I remedy this?

_Answer._ Don't go to bed. Sleep in a chair.

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POLITICS AS A FINE ART.

First Class in Politics, stand up.

First boy--Define politics as an art.

Politics are the art of eating, drinking, sleeping, and wearing good clothes at the public expense.

Next--Is taking presents of houses, horses, &c., included in this art?

No sir, that's a natural gift.

Who invented politics?

It has been stated by Mr. SUMNER that politics were well known to the early Greeks and Romans; but they were first reduced to an art by T. WEED.

What are the elements of success in politics?

Cheek and stamps.

At what place is this art most cultivated?

At Washington.

How many classes of politicians are there?

Three: big strikes, little strikes, and repeaters.

Define them.

Big strikes are those who, when they make a haul, mean business. Little strikes are those who look after the pence, while the big strikes are looking after the pounds. Both these classes have steady occupation. Repeaters are little strikes who are employed only at election time.

Where are they found?

In both the Republican and Democratic schools.

JOHN SMITH, go to the board and do this example: If the House of Representatives has a Republican majority of thirty, and it remains in session until 8 P.M. on the 4th of July, at what time will a Democrat, whose seat is contested by a Republican, obtain that seat?

THOMAS BROWN, you can try the same example with the Assembly at Albany, only taking the majority as Democratic, and the man whose seat is contested as Republican.

Next boy--Who are the most successful artists among politicians?

Carpet-baggers.

What is the art now called in the South?

Black art.

Why?

Because the leading artists there are of an off color.

JOHN SMITH, have you finished your example?

Yes, sir.

When will that Democrat be admitted, if the session ends at 8 P.M. on the 4th of July?

At 5 minutes after 8 on that day.

THOMAS BROWN, what is your answer? When will that Republican be admitted?

At 5 minutes after 8 P.M. on the 4th of July.

Both correct. That proves that politics have been reduced to a fine art. The class is dismissed.

* * * * *

BOSTON FIRST.

Even in the matter of earthquakes the proverbial superiority of Boston to all other places, as a centre, has just been proved. A writer in the _Evening Post_, discussing the comparative phenomena of the late earthquake at various points, says:--

"Allowing seven and a half minutes for difference of local time, the shock was two minutes earlier at Boston than at New Haven. This implies that Boston was nearer to the centre of disturbance than New Haven."

Further developments will doubtless show that Boston was ahead not of New Haven only, in the enjoyment of the refreshing young cataclasm referred to, but was the absolute "Hub" from which it radiated, and therefore ahead of all the rest of creation in regard of earthquakes as everything else. Property has already gone up to a tremendous figure at Boston, owing to the multifarious fascinations of the place; but the greatest chance folks there ever had to "pile it on" is the admission of the earthquake as a "Boston notion."

* * * * *

From the Seat of War.

What were the Francs-Tireurs before they were organized?

They wear leather gaiters.

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Republicans.

It would be dangerous to elect the two leading Republican candidates. They must have monarchical ideas, inasmuch as they both come from Kings.

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* * * * *

An Advertising Parson.

There is nothing like judicious advertising--at least, we have been told this often enough to believe it. So thinks a Pennsylvania parson, who advertises himself in a newspaper as follows:--

"Cupid and Hymen. The little brown cottage at Cambridge, Pa., is the place to call to have the marriage-knot promptly and strongly tied. Inquire for Rev. S. J. Whitcomb."

--While he was about it, why didn't the Rev. WHITCOMB advertise the other jobs for which orders might be left at the same shop? Why didn't he say: "Funerals attended with neatness and despatch?" or, "Gentlemen about to leave the world, will be waited upon at their own bed-sides without additional charge?" or, "Cases of conscience adjudicated upon the most reasonable terms?" or, "A fine assortment of moral advice just received, and for sale in lots to suit purchasers?" Let the Rev. WHITCOMB take our hint, enlarge the field of his advertising, and make lots of the Mammon of Unrighteousness.

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Fulton versus Tilton.

FULTON taps TILTON for wine, TILTON taps FULTON for beer; FULTON gets a _tilt,_ because TILTON finds him full. In case of a trial, the verdict would probably be, that a full FULTON ran _full tilt_ against a full TILTON.

* * * * *

"AURI SACRA FAMES."

I saw a parson at his desk, Silk-gowned and linen-ruffled; The organ ceased--he rose to preach, And smirked, and mouthed, and snuffled;

He talked of gold, and called it dross, And prophesied confusion To all who loved it--told them that Their trust was all delusion.

'Twas filthy lucre, dust and dirt, The root of every evil; And its pursuit,--too strongly urged,-- Would lead straight to the Devil.

Midst other wicked (Scripture) rogues, He talked of ANANIAS,-- He and his wife SAPPHIRA were The wickedest of liars.

He showed us clearly, from their fate, The sin of overreaching, And making small the salaries Of those who do the preaching.

And when his half-hour's work was done, The miserable sinners Rolled home in easy carriages To Aldermanic dinners;

And as I plodded home on foot, I thought it was all gammon, To build a temple to the LORD Of curses against Mammon.

The sin of gold is its abuse, And not its mere possession,-- Wine may turn vinegar, and gold May turn men to transgression.

Then tell the truth, O men of GOD! Nor scorn the loaves and fishes, Lest we should take you at your word, And leave you empty dishes!

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CHEERFUL PHILOSOPHY.

We remember a writer who merited more notice than he actually received, for his well-considered thoughts on the behavior of Mourners,--whose conduct, as a general thing, is certainly open to criticism.

It is all well enough--"due to decency," in fact--to wear "mourning," and now and then look grave; but "this idea of closing your house," observed our philosopher, "and silencing your piano, and abstaining from your customary amusements and habits _for months_ [only think of it!], because some one has departed from misery to happiness, is not alone supremely ridiculous [though _that_ is bad enough], but it is sublimely preposterous and [what is yet more] disgraceful to the last degree of shame."

Precisely; just what we have always said, whether we believed it or not. It is what any feeling man _would_ say.

The fact is, people sacrifice too much to their friends. Especially after the friends are dead. "The cream of the joke is," as our lively essayist remarks, "that the dead do not dream of your sufferings on their account."

And suppose they did: what _is_ a friend, any way? Why, something you would do well to rid yourself of as soon as possible. There is scarcely anything mean, sordid, contemptible, and disgusting, that an average friend won't do without winking.

It would certainly contribute greatly to the cheerfulness of one about to leave this "mortial wale," to feel morally certain that nobody cared a rap about him, or was going to make any fuss just for a trifle like that.

We must say, however, we would prefer to see our mourning friends go the whole figure, and not visit the opera in weeds. Be jolly, but also _look_ jolly.

The trouble seems to be, that people _will_ be sentimental; they must do a certain amount of tribulation, "whether or no." We would not even counsel the wearing of black diamonds. We would refrain from jet, bog, and ebony. We would not try to grin through a disguise of skull and bones. Be gay (and by all means _look_ gay) in spite of your departed grandmother.

* * * * *

No Great Shakes.

It's a pity that the earthquake came too late for the census, as it cannot now be included among our native productions.