Chapter 5

THE DOG-BREAKER'S DIFFICULTY.

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Philological Query.

Is the following sentence, which Mr. PUNCHINELLO finds in that respectable paper, the _Boston Advertiser_, to be considered as English or Latin?

"The constitutio de fide has been adopted by the Ecumenical Council, nemine contradicente."

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Absurd to Ask It.

The Belgians propose to drop the letter "h" from the French language. In France itself the proposition is received wrathfully, and it is no wonder, when we remember that Perfidious Albion has been the great dropper of "h" from time immemorial.

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A Place Appropriately Named.

SIGH-BERIA

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FISCALITIES.

Let no one read this title--rascalities. Fiscalities are very different things. (_That is to say, out of Wall street_.) PUNCHINELLO always had a strong liking for fiscal subjects, and even now he would be glad to write a fiscal history of the United States, provided he was furnished with specimens of all the various coins, bank-notes, greenbacks, bonds, and such mediums of exchange that have been in circulation from colonial times until now. (_That is to say, he'd like very much to have the coins and things, but if any one takes up this offer, and wants to keep his coins, a money-order for a corresponding amount, or ordinary bills, in a registered letter, will be entirely satisfactory_.) But as he can not write a book this week, he desires to draw the attention of his readers to the fact that fiscal expansion ought to be the great end of man. (_That is to say, it often is, but in a different way from what _PUNCHINELLO _means_.) For instance, look at Colonel FISK, of the glorious Ninth! Had not his vigorous intellect been closely applied to the great questions of fiscal economy, is it likely that the steady expansion of his corporeal being would have given such a weight to his wisely-planned movements? (_That is to say, if he hadn't got rich he wouldn't have got so fat, and then buildings would not tremble when he drills_.) A man who is perfectly proportioned in a fiscal point of view, can call himself a monarch of the world. The elements will own they are his servants, and the seasons will mould themselves to suit his will. (_That is to say, he can have one hundred and fifty fine young women to dance the Devil's Torchlight Cotillion in his own theatre, and he can sit there, if he wants to, all alone and look at them just as long as he pleases; and not one of them dare stop till he's ready_.) Space bows before such a man, and shrivels itself up into a mere nothing. Land and water are alike to such a one. It matters not to him whether the waves roll beneath his possessions, or the solid ground upholds them.

ST. CECILIA sits at the feet of this great exponent of fiscal expansion, and TUBAL CAIN dwells serenely in his court-yards. (_That is to say, just wait until you hear his new brass band!_) Now, who would not be as this financial monarch? Who would not say: "I, too, can do these things?" (_That is to say, which of us would not gladly take every cent the good FISK possesses, and let him beg his bread from door to door, if we only got a decent chance?_) If it were not for such shining examples of the power of wealth and the glories that it is capable of placing before our eyes, the souls of ordinary men would much less frequently be moved to extraordinary effort in the line of pecuniary progress. (_That is to say, if old_ FISK _did not change the ballet in his Twelve Temptations so often, and did not keep on getting new dancers, and dressing them all up different every week or two, we would not have to raise a dollar and half so frequently to go and see the confounded thing_.) But it is of no use to try and calculate the vast advantage of Fiscal expansion. Even with a WEBB'S Adder, PUNCHINELLO could not do the sum, and it's pretty certain that it would make WEBB Sadder, if he tried it. Among other things, a man of fiscal solidity is never unprepared for emergencies, and, if necessary, he can resort to extremities of which ordinary people would never dream. (_That is to say, have you seen_ FISK'S _last legs?_) Therefore, it becomes us all to endeavor to have a share in the prosperity of which we see such a shining example, (_that is to say_, PUNCHINELLO _does not mean for us all to go buy stock in Erie_,) and mayhap, even the humblest of us may, in time, be able to whistle "Shoo Fly" in marble halls. (_That is to say, even a poor ostler may get along very well if he attentively and industriously waters his stock_.)

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Interesting to Mr. Bergh.

"Dog's-Ear" shirt-collars (the ones that stick up and are doubled down at the points,) are coming into fashion.

Says young SOLOMONS, the other day, "I want something new in collars; I shall cut my Dog's-ears." And he went and did it; which is decidedly interesting to Mr. BERGH.

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An Interesting Patient.

New-Haven enjoys an elephant that has corns, and is about to be operated on by a chiropodist. There is a largeness, approaching to sublimity, in the idea of an elephant with corns, though it naturally suggests the query, "What Boots it?"

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A Dogged Problem.

If Sir WALTER SCOTT'S dog was worth--say--ten "pounds," what was his Kenilworth?

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CONDENSED CONGRESS.

SENATE.

The gentle CHANDLER is occasionally goaded to rage and rhetoric by perfidious Albion. The other day he had one of these deliriums. In the language of the bard.

He shook his fists and he tore his hair Till they really felt afraid; For they couldn't help thinking the man had been drinking.

He wanted to annex the Winnipeg district. It was true that the Winnipeg district was an unmitigated nuisance to England; and probably it would prove an unmitigated nuisance to us if we annexed it. But it would make Great Britain mad. The dearest object of his life was to madden Great Britain. What was Great Britain? What business had she on this continent? None but the right of conquest. It occurred to him that that was all we had ourselves; but that made no difference. His motto was, Great Britain _est_ Carthago, or _delenda_ must be destroyed, or something of that sort--he forgot exactly what. He knew we could whip Great Britain, and he wanted to fight her. That is, he wanted some body else to fight her. It would be the proudest moment of his life to serve, exclusively as a sutler, in the grand American army which should go forth to smash Great Britain. Queen VICTORIA was only a woman. Therefore he would fight her single-handed. Let her come on. Let her son, who was a snob, come on. Let Mr. THORNTON come on. Let every body come on. He defied every body. He expectorated upon every body. (Mr. CHANDLER by this time became so earnest that seven Senators were constrained to wait upon him, but it produced no sedative effect.) Mr. CHANDLER kept on in this manner until he had challenged the population of the planet to single combat, and then subsided, and ordered five hundred copies of the morrow's _Globe_ to send to various potentates and constituents.

Mr. DRAKE said of course no body minded CHANDLER. But there were some glimmerings of sense in CHANDLER, and he thought the Winnipeg war would be a good thing. Perhaps CHANDLER might be induced to go out there, which would make it pleasant for the Senate. Mr. SUMNER said he was disgusted, not with CHANDLER'S principles, which were excellent, but with his quotation, which was incorrect. He considered correct quotation far more important than correct principles. Every school-boy knew that _delenda est Carthago_ was what Mr. CHANDLER attempted to cite. To be sure Mr. CHANDLER was not every school-boy. (Cheers for every School-boy.) Mr. SUMNER took advantage of this occasion to relate several incidents of the life of HANNIBAL, and closed with a protest against the accursed spirit of caste. In support of this view he sent to the clerk's desk, and had read a few chapters from KANT'S Critique of Pure Reason.

HOUSE.

Schenck scatters members to flight whenever he introduces his tariff bill. This disgusts SCHENCK, and he has been trying to bring back the erring Representatives by the use of the Sergeant-at-Arms and fines. The House has lately amused itself by listening to excuses.

Mr. BUTLER'S name was called. Mr. BUTLER was not there. Mr. SCHENCK proposed to fine him.

Mr. COX objected. Why, he said, should the sweet boon of BUTLER'S absence rouse the anger of SCHENCK. He would suggest an amendment that BUTLER be fined when present and blessed when away. The less they had of BUTLER the better.

Mr. AMES was making money, and therefore he could not come.

Mr. DAVIS was prosecuting MCFARLAND, which he considered better fun than discussing the tariff.

Mr. FITCH had gone to take a bath. Mr. LOGAN said that was ridiculous. He himself had never found it necessary to absent himself on such a ground. No representative of the people ought to take a bath.

He was sorry to see this tendency to aristocracy on the part of members. West Point and the bath-tub were undermining our institutions.

Mr. POLAND said that he had been to call on a clergyman. Mr. LOGAN said that was worse if possible than the bath. He much preferred immersion to sprinkling.

Mr. SWEENEY (who is Mr. SWEENEY?) had been superintending the birth of an infant SWEENEY. Mr. KELLEY said a man who would basely look after his young when the fate of pig-iron was trembling in the balance, was unworthy to represent American freemen. What was the interesting situation of any individual, male or female, compared to the interesting situation of "fish-plates." The same fiendish spirit that animated the Confederate armies was still alive. But it now found expression in vile and insidious attacks upon the "scrap-iron" which was the pride of every true American heart. He did not hesitate to say that the man who would vote against an increase of 7000 per cent, _ad valorem_, upon railway iron would, if his cowardly soul would let him, have aimed the pistol of the assassin at the late Mr. LINCOLN.

Mr. LOGAN said there was no occasion for Mr. KELLEY to say any thing about any man from Illinois. He, LOGAN, could take care of that State without KELLEY'S assistance. He had observed with grief and shame that KELLEY had made several more speeches this session than he (LOGAN) had. He did not intend to suffer this in future.

Mr. KELLEY said he voted for his constituents, who were ironmongers; but ho spoke, in an iron-ical way, for the whole country. He meant to speak early and speak often.

Mr. SCHENCK upheld the income-tax. He said it bore very lightly on Congressmen, for none but honest men were compelled to pay it.

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OUR LITERARY LEGATE.

Minister MOTLEY is a gentleman, a scholar, and, though last not least, as genial a diner and winer as ever put American legs under a British peer's mahogany. There was a time when he was for avenging British outrage by whipping John Bull out of his boots, but now, clad in a dress-coat of unexceptionable cut, he deprecates the idea of international breaches. As a diplomatist he could scarcely show more indifference to the Alabama claim, if the claim itself were All a Bam. He roars for recompense more gently than a sucking dove. When he presented our little bill a _grand coup_ was expected, but the trans-atlantic turtle seems to have shut him up. Listening to compliments on the "Dutch Republic" he forgets his own, and renders but a Flemish account to his country. Not content with following the festive footsteps of his illustrious predecessor, REVERDY, he has made new tracks to every hospitable nobleman's door. The scented soft-soap of adulation is his "particular vanity," and under its soothing influence he seems to be washing his hands of his official responsibilities. In point of fact, MOTLEY has deserted his colors, and, as a diplomat, is by no means up to the American Standard. As it is clear he cannot maintain the _prestige_ of the Star Spangled Banner abroad, we call upon the Government to give him Hail Columbia, and order him home.

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CONS BY A WRECKER.

Where are women wrecked? Off the Silly Islands. Where are men wrecked? Some off Port, some Half Seas over, some off the Horn, or wherever they Chews. Where are rogues wrecked? In the Dock. Where are brokers wrecked? On the Breakers. Where are children wrecked? Some in Babycome Bay, and some on the Coral Islands. Where are bad musicians wrecked? On the Sound. Where are would-be sharpers wrecked? On the Mighty Deep.

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BOOK NOTICES.

IN SPAIN AND A VISIT TO PORTUGAL. By HANS CHRISTIAN ANDERSEN. New-York: HURD & HOUGHTON.

A good summer book of nearly three hundred pages. As usual, ANDERSEN is not abstruse in his way of putting things. His narrative is adapted alike for the juvenile mind and for the adult. There is no periphrasis in it. One understands his meaning at a glance; therefore the book should be a very popular one when summer time sets in, and people look for some quiet _delassement_ which will not compel them to think.