Chapter 4

"What are little girls made of, made of? What are little girls made of? Sugar and spice, And every thing nice, Such are little girls made of.

What are little boys made of, made of? What are little boys made of? Snaps and snails And puppy-dog tails, Such are little boys made of!"

There is so apparent an air of probability about this terse statement of the case, that it has satisfied the insatiable curiosity of infantile minds for long ages. Little girls never doubt it, and little boys never contradict it. If Paterfamilias has any thoughts upon the subject, he probably thinks this expenditure of snaps and snails was a great waste of raw material. Girls may be romps and hoydens, vixens and scolds, but the sugar and spice will always be detected, and, with all drawbacks allowed, the little girl is still entitled to Mr. MANTALINI'S cognomen of "demnition sweetness." At least, this is the universal verdict of society. From the time when she dons her first _chignon,_ (which _never_ matches the native hair, by the by,) she is nearly angelic, with some few exceptions, perhaps, _after_ marriage.

In the way of direct proof, to return to the muttons, it may be observed that the next link to manhood, in the philosopher's chain, is that highly attractive animal which M. DU CHAILLU has recently introduced to the general public. The points of resemblance betwixt the Gorilla and the Boy are numerous and striking. In most cases, the two animals have an equally pleasing exterior. They both have the ability to climb giddy heights, inaccessible to any other wingless biped. Their language is not dissimilar, the same unintelligible chatter being characteristic of both. As the argument proceeds, it will be seen that distinctive traits belonging to lower classes of the animal kingdom are totally extinct in the Gorilla, while they are emphatically visible in his successor.

Thus, taking the Laughing Hyena as the next illustration, it will be remembered by all students of GOLDSMITH'S _Animated Nature_, that this amiable quadruped invariably exercises his risibles when he is crunching the bones of some other less truculent quadruped. It is "solitary, cruel, and untamable, digs its food out of graves," cachinnating the while like a thousand or fifteen hundred of brick. There are other ravenous beasts in the world; but this one is peculiar in that he laughs over his work, which is also his pastime. Now, if you wish to hear a Boy laugh--a horse-laugh, a giant-laugh--just put some other animal, human or otherwise, through a course of torture. Twist a pig's tail until it comes out; or, if you don't like the occupation, the Boy will cheerfully do it--and will drown the squeal of the porker in his own uproarious merriment. What do you suppose were the age and sex of the inventor of the game called "Tying a tin kettle to a dog's tail?" And do you suppose this inventor stood by, in silent gravity, to witness the success of the experiment? The yelp of the astounded dog, and the clatter of the kitchen utensil so strangely misplaced, were doubtless swallowed up in the loud guffaws of the Laughing Hyena on two legs.

Another link is discovered in the person of the useful and ornamental domestic animal who is popularly supposed to furnish the material for sausages. The accidental discovery of a suspender-button, or the claw of a kitten, in the sausage, gave rise to some doubt as to the composition of this favorite edible; but statisticians usually admit that hogmeat forms the staple. Doctor KANE speaks in glowing terms of the excellence of rats when mixed with due proportions of walrus blubber, and cut out in frozen chunks, probably with a cold-chisel. Why this fierce rodent should make more savory meat than the innocent kitten, does not appear. The latter is certainly much nicer to play with, in the ante-mortem state. But this is a digression. Returning, therefore, not to the mutton, but to the pork, consider the distinctive habits of both pig and Boy at meal-time, and see how nearly identical they are. Watch the innocent in bristles as he places his graceful right paw upon the ear of corn, while he shells and masticates. Turn to the innocent in broadcloth, and notice how he clutches the succulent turkey-leg, and how rapidly he polishes the femoral bone. Throw a second ear of the cereal in the trough, and observe how promptly the left paw secures it, lest it should be transformed into lard through the agency of a companion pig. Place the other turkey-leg, both wings, three slices of breast, the side-bone and plenty of "stuffin'" within reach of the other embryo, and notice the glare of his famished eye, if some other plate than his is presented. You would fancy he had been exploring the route of another ship-canal across the Isthmus of Darien, and had tasted no food for twenty-two days.

Neither are the post-prandial habits of the two animals under consideration dissimilar. The corn-cracker betakes himself to some sunny spot, where there is abundance of mud, and aids digestion by wallowing. So does the Boy, especially if he is in dinner costume. If the quadruped can get into a garden and root up unreplaceable flowers and fruits, before he retires to his lair, his bliss is perfect. So the Boy; if he can manage to break two or three windows, tear his best clothes into ribbons, chase the family cat up a tree with hound, whoop, and halloo, and then stone her out of it, and, as she with thickened tail scampers to some more secure retreat, follow her with hoots and missiles--he also retires, conscious that the day has not been wasted. And, finally, upon this parallelism betwixt Pig and _Puer_ one patent point of resemblance may be mentioned. Rouse up a pig, any hour of the day or night, with his maw full to the gullet, and offer him a little more, another ear of corn, another bucket of swill, and you will be sure of his prompt acceptance. And place before a boy, immediately after an astounding dinner, if you choose, any thing edible, apples, cakes, pudding, or cold potatoes, and if _his_ maw will not accommodate the additional stowage, you send for the doctor, knowing that the dear child is ill, that the symptoms are novel, and that the case is urgent.

The reference to the history of METHUSELAH with which this paper began was not without a purpose. It was to suggest the inquiry whether or not the _vim_ which prolonged his days would have sufficed to bring him through _two_ courses of Boyhood. It is not unusual to hear grown people talk of "living their youthful days over again;" but the examples of those who have gone through this ordeal are very rare. The amount of wear and tear, the expenditure of vital force, involved in the transit from infancy to manhood cannot be estimated. The abrasions of later life do not compare with the rubs of Boyhood, because none of the aids of experience and philosophy are attainable by the tyro, who lives upon his inherent _vis vitae_, as his kinsman in the frozen zone subsists upon his own fat during long intervals of torpidity.

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THE FOUR SEASONS.

[An ancient Scottish ballad written in America in 1870, to show how much may be said by the judicious and economical use of a very few words.]

Beneath the trees in sweet spring-time, In sweet spring-time, in sweet spring-time, Beneath the trees in sweet spring-time, Vermonters turn the honest dime By crystallizing sap.

Beneath the trees in summer-time, In summer-time, in summer-time, Beneath the trees in summer-time, The poet cons the curious rhyme. Or takes the tranquil nap.

Beneath the trees in autumn-tide, In autumn-tide, in autumn-tide, Beneath the trees in autumn-tide, 'Tis rather nice for two to ride Where no one else is near.

Beneath the trees in winter wild, In winter wild, in winter wild, Beneath the trees in winter wild, Ugh! Go home, you foolish child, What are you doing here?

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CONDENSED CONGRESS.

SENATE

Bland Mr. MORTON has been making one of his little jokes in the shape of a petition from some more or less imaginary Quakers. These hypothetical persons pretend to have converted to Christianity and soap some hundreds of warriors of the wild and bounding Shawnee variety. Of course, for a basis of evangelical operations on this scale, it is requisite to have some land on which to erect buildings for moral quarantine. To disinfect one Shawnee, you need to wash him in at least six waters--to inject his veins, as it were, with Christian creosote. All this, as Mr. MORTON justly observed, cannot be done without cost. But perhaps it was worth it, considering the number of human scalps which were still available for applications of sweet hair restorer, and balmy magnolia, and which would by this time have been decorating the lower limbs of members of the Shawnee profession, if these good Quakers had not turned them from the improper pursuit of extraneous hair, and read them the commandment which enjoins them from coveting their neighbor's scalp. Therefore, and in consideration of the good done by these Quakers, they and Mr. MORTON thought they ought to have a grant of land to enable them to continue their lavatory labors.

Mr. MORRILL protested in behalf of the wig-makers of America. This petition was an insidious blow at one of the most important of our industries. How could wigs be made unless there were bald heads. And how wrong it was to divert any class of persons, under the shallow pretence of making them wiser and better, from the making of bald heads. There would be the deuce _toupee_ if this kind of thing were to be encouraged, and their tonsorial constituents would bring them to the Scratch on this question. He was proud to say that he was an Old Wig. Others might hold with the hair on this question. He would run with the Shampooers and the Shawnees.

Mr. CARPENTER, who can see as clearly through a ladder as almost any body in the Senate, suggested that there were no such Quakers, and that he didn't believe there were any such Shawnees. It was an evident little "land-grab," got up by some of Mr. MORTON'S constituents, and the Quakers were hypothecated to promote it. He did not object to Quakers occupying lands, but he did object to a Christianized Shawnee. He had found that a converted Shawnee would steal considerably more than an unregenerate one, and that he would steal various articles of the toilet which the wild Shawnee had no use for.

Mr. CAMERON wanted some money for the Pennsylvania soldiers who had come first to defend the capital. He thought these men ought to be rewarded. A good many of them had been re-Warded in Philadelphia on election day, in order to express their political views with more frequency. That was partly the cause of his being in the Senate, and he wanted something done.

Mr. THURMAN knew a man in Ohio who had enlisted before any Pennsylvanian.

Mr. CAMERON did not mean any disrespect to the Senator from Ohio, but that remark was a condemn lie.

Mr. THURMAN said Mr. CAMERON was another. His man enlisted for the Mexican war, it was true, and not for the other war. But that slight error didn't affect the argument.

Mr. SUMNER knew a colored boy who had been attacked with colic when South-Carolina seceded, on account of his sorrow and shame. It was true he had been eating green tomatoes, but patriotism was unquestionably the cause of his colic. He was the first to martyr of the war, and he ought to have a monument. He regretted to see the accursed spirit of Caste which confined honors to whites.

Mr. CONKLING said he thought he could suggest a compromise, on a mulatto from New-York who died in 1858.

Mr. SUMNER called the Eyes and Nose on Mr. CONKLING, and Mr. CONKLING said his eyes were blue, but his nose was very flat.

Mr. SUMNER thought this would be satisfactory.

HOUSE.

Mr. BINGHAM made a speech ostensibly upon the Tariff, but really about BUTLER. He said that BUTLER didn't take Fort Fisher. This is a favorite joke of BINGHAM'S. As to Mr. BUTLER'S opinion of his treatment of Mrs. SURRATT, he didn't care. He should continue to advocate protection to home industry.

Mr. FERNANDO WOOD paid a beautiful tribute to General HOWARD. He said that officer had been absorbing public money at a rate far exceeding any thing even in the municipal annals of New-York. The gentle freedom might need a bureau, but it certainly was not essential to his happiness to have General HOWARD enriched by managing it. Mrs. HOWARD was not a freedman. The idea was absurd. The other members of General HOWARD'S family were not freedmen. Neither were General HOWARD'S staff. Neither were any of the people who had benefited by this money.

Mr. BUTLER didn't see the why of this constant row about the misuse of money. What was the use of a man's having an office if he couldn't make money out of it? He was proud to say that he entered the army poor and came out rich.

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The "Day" we don't Celebrate.

The Philadelphia one.

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"The Man who Laughs."

The man who reads PUNCHINELLO.

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Wanted--A Sheriff.

The lovely city of Chicago, which needs about twenty sheriffs to keep it in order, at the latest date had none at all; for the gentleman holding that office by law, in sheer despair (and some debt) has absconded, actually leaving a man to be hung, who was not hung, do you see, because there was nobody to hang him. Plenty of rope there was, to be sure, and a most beautiful gallows--but no sheriff! Of course, the thing came to a stand--perhaps it would not be proper to say a Dead stand--and the embarrassed Governor was obliged to commute the sentence! The creditors of the missing officer made a great complaint, but the Man who Wasn't Hung did not find the least fault. This shows the different views which the human mind may take of the same transaction.

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Municipal Competition.

Poor New-York! We thought that there were some things in which she could not merely not be beaten, but in which also she was secure even from competition. But the envious will never allow us to rest upon our hardly-earned laurels. Will it be believed that they have actually discovered and inaugurated a Wickedest Man in Cincinnati? He is called COLLINS, and must be a descendant of the COLLINS who wrote an Ode on the Passions; for all the bad ones this Cincinnati COLLINS has in great perfection. His Rage especially is beautiful. First, he knocks down his fellow-creatures. Secondly, when the police are sent to capture him, he knocks down the police. He is in jail, however; and we would suggest a Convention of the Wickedest Men in all parts of the country to take measures for his release.

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Origin of the Mississippi.

The contests for supremacy between Chicago and St. Louis have banished every particle of modesty from both cities, and each now considers itself to be the Centre of the Universe. Geographers may not heretofore have understood the origin of the Mississippi River, but the St. Louis _Democrat_ throws a great deal of light upon it. "We have been visited," says that sheet, "by heavy showers. The rain poured down heavily all night, flooding the gutters and adding to the volume of the river." It thus appears that this noble stream depends mainly for its water upon the gutters of St. Louis. Will these not, however, be rather damp resting-places for Members of Congress, should the Capital be removed to St. Louis?

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The Repeater's Idea of Voting by Ballot.

All Stuff.