Chapter 2

* * * * *

WOMAN, PAST AND PRESENT.

DR. LORD, in a lecture lately delivered by him in Boston, on PHILIPPA, the mother of the BLACK PRINCE, (who was a white woman,) told about JANE, Countess of MONTFORT, (you all know who _she_ was,) and how She once defended a fortress and defied a phalanx with eminent success. Of her the lecturer said,

"Clad in complete armor, she stood foremost in the breach."

She did that, did she, this JANE of old? Tut, sir! that's nothing to our modern JANES, crowds of whom are now yearning to stand "foremost in the breeches."

* * * * *

A Bill that the Young Democracy Couldn't Settle. BILL TWEED.

* * * * *

Cool.

ENGLAND has a Bleak house, but New-York has a Bleecker street.

* * * * *

A SOROSIAN IMPROMPTU.

One of the sisters of Sorosis, at the last meeting of the club, was delivered of the following touching "Impromptu on some beautiful bouquets of flowers:"

"With hungry eyes we glanced adown The table nicely spread; Our appetites were very keen, And not one word was said,

"Till of a sudden "Ohs!" and "Ahs!" Gave token of delight, As, from a magic flower-bed. Bright buds appeared in sight.

"May this sweet thought suggest the way In which to spend life's hours; And we endeavor every day To scatter fragrant flowers."

The first verse reminds us not a little of several olden nursery rhymes of a prandial and convivial character, of which the most prominent is that relating to little JACK HORNER, who sat in a corner eating a Christmas pie. But even he is not described as having "hungry eyes," though there is small doubt but that he had a good appetite, and was "hungry o' the stomach." It is pleasant to know that the table was nicely spread, though not as "keen appetites" would have demanded, with bread and butter; but, as the subject calls for, with flowers--food of a very proper character for hungry eyes to feed upon. Nor is it any wonder that those of the sisterhood who went to the table expecting to find something more substantial than flowers set before them, should at first sight have been unable to utter one word. And only, after their first astonishment and disappointment was over, the magical letters O's and R's, which, we may presume, was a short way of calling for Old Rum, to restore their drooping spirits, though our poetess, with a woman's perverseness, would have us believe they were intended as "tokens of delight."

Of the last verse we can only say that it is an evident plagiarism of the well-known juvenile poem, commencing,

"How doth the little busy bee Improve each shining hour, And gather honey all the day From every opening flower!"

We confess, though, that we are unable to discover the "sweet thought" that is to "suggest the way"

"In which to spend life's hours!"

Moreover, we believe it would be tiresome and monotonous to be occupied "every day" in scattering "fragrant flowers," even if we were certain that the lovely members of Sorosis would regard them with "tokens of delight."

"We regard this Impromptu as a failure, and call upon ALICE, and PHEBE, and CELIA, and other tuneful members of the Sorosis Club to come to the rescue of their unfortunate sister--the perpetrator of the above verses."

* * * * *

Suggestive.

Our sheriff's initials--J.O.B.

* * * * *

How to Rise Early.

Lie with your head to the (y)east.

* * * * *

Query for Barney Williams.

Is the "Emerald Ring" a Fenian Circle?

* * * * *

Not During Lent.

IT is hardly probable that General GRANT will dismiss FISH from the Cabinet during Lent.

THE REAL ESTATE OF WOMAN.

DEAR PUNCHINELLO: We would not for the _World_--no, nor even for PUNCHINELLO--cast any reproaches upon the vigorous movement made in these latter days to find the real estate of woman; but why, tell us why, should we find enlisted in this cause at present, as members of the various _Sorosis-ters_, so many single sisters with pretensions to youth?

We have always looked upon the champions of woman's righteousness, those who believe in the _fee-male absolute_ as the real estate of woman, as principally married women, whose housekeeping has proved a failure, (except in the single item of hot water,) and certain ladies who have lived to mature age without reference to men, and whom no man would take even with the best of reference.

There surely must be something wrong, somewhere, when those in the younger walks of age take on this armor.

Where is the need?

Why should they who have never had their young lives blighted by a husband linger pathetically over the tyranny of the sterner sex?

Instead of shedding all these tears over other people's husbands, they ought rather to rejoice that they have been spared such inflictions in the past, and give exceeding great thanks that they are beyond danger of such in the future.

There may be other young women (if I may so speak) who are so heart-broken because of the oppression of their sex, as wives, so disgusted with the state matrimonial under the present constitution of society, that they would not marry--oh! no.

Now, we all remember the cogent reason why John refused to partake of his evening repast, and we assure these young persons that they have nothing whatever to fear. The danger is past, and they are safe beyond the possibility of a peradventure.

They are not the kind that men devour. And yet we can not help feeling pity for them; their experience has been _trying_, but in vain; they know what it is "to suffer and be strong"-minded; they have learned "to labor and to wait," and it is well; for in all probability they will wait for some time.

It may be that the poor creatures are afflicted by the thought that _perhaps_ they may be called upon to make warning examples of themselves, and marry; and that _perhaps_ the man they marry may be a tyrant, and--but the contingency is too remote.

Some tell us that their youthful ardor is to uphold the standard of woman's mission: they want to work.

Well, all we can say is--_go it_! for under the circumstances, with no one to work for them, the best possible thing they can do is to work for themselves. But couldn't they do more, or at least as much, without so much noise? If they only had plenty to do, and not so much spare time to talk about what they are going to do, wouldn't they be better off, and poor frail man be the gainer thereby?

If they could only resolve upon such a course, and stick to it, don't you think they would receive more aid, material and moral?

Many would gladly contribute of their substance in such a cause, with overflowing hearts; and the world of man will gladly guarantee to those who avow their determination not to marry, entire immunity from any temptation in that direction.

As to the rest--those weak creatures who _will_ be satisfied with good husbands and broad home-missions--they know no better; they will continue to move in their limited spheres, benighted but happy, and every thing will be satisfactory.

Lawyers tell us that since the statutes of 1848, a woman's _real estate_ has been within her own control; we take a broader view: we think it _always_ has been within her own control by virtue of that old first statute given to our gentle mother, EVE.

* * * * *

AN OLD BAILEY PRACTITIONER.

In England they have an institution called the Old Bailey. It dealt from time immemorial in such queer animals as "four-footed recognizances," and in such strong assistance to justice as "straw bail" affords. The court-room of the Old Bailey may be called a historical vat of crime. Until recently, New-York was Old Bailey-less. Now detectives go about the streets singing an air which reminds one forcibly of the tune called "Unfortunate Miss BAILEY," only that it is Mister BAILEY they have missed. Old BAILEY is really like JOHN GILPIN in two respects; all rumors about him begin by calling him "a citizen of credit and renown;" and they generally end by referring to him as a man who was gone to "dine at--where?"

Our New-York Old BAILEY has disappeared. Either the FULLERTON earthquake has swallowed him up, or he has gone to the unknown land to which most Spiritual mediums migrate. There never was a greater Spiritual medium than Old BAILEY. He has had spirits on the brain during several years past. He throve on spirits. He had only to rap on casks of spirits, and greenbacks would rustle therefrom like trailing garments out of the Spirit-world. He had assistant mediums in all the Federal officers. And now the question asked of Commissioner DELANO, (who, by the way, in this respect would gladly become DELA-yes) is "Canst thou call 'spirits from the vasty deep?' and if thou canst, where is Old BAILEY?" Banker CLEWS is one of his sureties, but he owns no Clews to his principal's whereabouts. Do not PUNCHINELLO'S subjects all know that whisk brooms sweep clean, and that no broom swept cleaner the Augean stables of Federal plunderers than that wretched Old BAILEY'S whisky broom? There is, however, an old proverb which claims that industrious brooms soon wear out. But BAILEY is unlike a broom, in that no one can find a handle to his whereabouts.

PUNCHINELLO has heard a great deal about the practice of the Old Bailey in London. He thinks it likely that so long as the Administration continues to protect Federal plunderers, and to cover their tracks by attacks against alleged city and State abuses, these Old Bailey practices recently introduced into the United States Courts and United States procedure, within or without revenue offices, must soon entitle a large number of Federal officers, all over the country, to be happily styled "Old Bailey Practitioners."

* * * * *

A Gay Young Joker.

Thus spake the old Republican Machiavel, THURLOW WEED, a day or two since, to W.H. SEWARD, the sly old fox with the "little bell."

"TWEED 'l win."

"Tweedle-dee!" retorted SEWARD. "What d'ye mean by that?"

"I mean," rejoined THURLOW, "that his name, T. WEED, is identical with one that erstwhile loomed largest in the sovereignty of the State of New-York."

SEWARD smiled.

PHILADELVINGS.

"Mother! mother!" screamed a little girl from above stairs to her maternal parent in the parlor. "Mother, I've been crying ever so long, and HANNAH won't pacify me!" And now PUNCHINELLO notices that it is not only little girls who act in this charming manner; for the Hon. WILLIAM D. KELLEY, of Philadelphia, has just screamed over the Congressional banisters that he must be pacified, or he will no longer serve the good people of the Fourth District of Pennsylvania. Therefore some fifteen hundred of his constituents have written him a letter, and have said to him, "Dat he sall, de poo itty-witty darling-warling, have his placey-wacey as longey-wongey as he wants it, and the nasty-wasty one-legged soldiers sha'n't trouble him for situations any more, so they sha'n't." So the poor fellow straightens himself up, ceases his sobbing, and consents to be pacified and take his three thousand a year for a little while longer. This may do very well for once in a while; but the Honorable WILLIAM D. announces that, not only does he desire to be pacified in regard to the people who expect him to get them situations, but that he wants to be with his family for more than six months in a year, and that his property affairs are a little mixed. Now, what if he should ask, next time, that his family shall be assigned apartments in the Capitol, and that he shall be put on the Grant Category, and be presented with an estate by his grateful constituents? And suppose he should declare that he would serve no more unless General LOGAN should be included among the number of those from whose importunities he is to be defended? The good Irish blood of WILLIAM D. has always boiled at the sound of the slogan, for it generally means fight, and he wants--pacifying. PUNCHINELLO respectfully presents his condolences to the people of the Fourth District of Pennsylvania, and hopes that they will have a happy time of it with WILLIAM D.

He has also noticed that the Philadelphians are having a lively and brotherly dispute over their new public buildings; they don't know where to put them. Most of the citizens are very much opposed to doing any thing on the square; that is to say, Independence Square, where the citizens assert their freedom by treading down all the grass, and making a mud-flat of what was intended to be a turfy lawn. Some folks want the buildings on PENN Square--so called because it is split in the middle, and answers its intended purposes only on paper. But the good Quakers hate to interfere with the rights of the blacks, whether they be men or women, and so many of the latter make this square their abiding place every summer, that it would seem like a violation of the spirit of the Fifteenth Amendment to disturb them. But there is no doubt that the good Philadelphians will have their new buildings some day, for they are very enterprising. Witness the disposition of one of their leading men, "Slushy" SMITH by name, who wants fifty thousand dollars with which to open an avenue from the Delaware to Sixth street, basing his claims upon the fact that such avenue will lead to Fairmount Park! Now, as the nearest point of the park is two miles and a half from Sixth street, the vigor of the scheme and the foreseeing character of the projectors are worthy of a metropolis.

PUNCHINELLO is furthermore delighted to see that a son of PENN has decided the great question of the Pope's infallibility, which so vexes our OEcumenical fellow-creatures. POPE has been beheaded at Harrisburg, and of course there is no further need to discuss his infallibility. When a man loses his head, he is fallible. To be sure, the case was only one of a picture of GRANT and his Generals, which hung in the State Library, and in which POPE'S head was painted out, and Governor GEARY'S substituted; but the act shows, on the part of the adherents of the leaden-legged governor, a head-strong determination to proceed to extremities which has given rise to the gravest apprehensions; but PUNCHINELLO hopes for the best. It is expected that the Legislature will soon compel the inhabitants of the City of Fraternites to send their children to school, whether they like it or not. This is certainly progression, and PUNCHINELLO now looks confidently forward to a law compelling all Philadelphians to wash their pavements twice a day; to have white marble front-steps (without railings) to all their houses; to build said houses entirely of red brick, with green shutters; to make their sidewalks of similar bricks, laid unevenly, to agitate passers-by and so prevent dyspepsia, and that each house shall have at least one little gutter running over its pavement.

* * * * *

"Lost at Sea."

BOUCICAULT when he wrote the play.

* * * * *

LETTER FROM A FRIEND.

FRIEND PUNCHINELLO:

Thee is right welcome; but thee should look upon this as a city of Friends, and not place it in thy wicked pages, but rather in thy Good Books--all the more since thee claims to exalt the good things pertaining to pen and pencil, and this is the great City of Penn and Pennsylvania.

If thee should come this way next summer, to ruralize, thee might behold our swollen Schuylkill, and say, Enough! Thee might see our City Fathers, and say, Good! Doubtless thee has heard of our butter? Well, thee might then taste it, and also say, Good!--if thee likes. It is cheap. Thee will understand me, friend, that it is cheap to say "Good" and good to say "Cheap."

If thee will but talk "plain language," thee may circulate freely in our streets, and behold our horses and dogs rubbing noses against the fountains; nay, refreshing themselves thereat by the sight and sound of little water!

Cruelty to Animals is Prevented--but thee knows this; for has thee not thy BERGH? Thee does with _one_ BERGH, but we have two--Pittsburg and Harrisburg--and, moreover, a proverb which says, "Every man thinketh his own goose a SWANN" If thee needs, we can spare thee Harrisburg, and trust to the laws of Providence.

But, friend PUNCHINELLO, if thee comes here, thee must be careful what thee does. If thee does _nothing_, thee may be restrained. Thrift accords not with idleness.

We permit none but official corner loungers and "dead beats;" and, having a very FOX for a Mayor--whose police are sharp as steel traps--thee comes into danger, unless thee be a Repeater. True, thee might disguise thyself in liquor and--as friend Fox taketh none--escape.

This epistle is written out of kindly regard for thee, and because the Spirit moveth me to wish thee well and a long life; although thee may not live long enough to behold our new Public Buildings, the site of which no man living can foresee.

I remain, thine in peace,

PHINEAS BHODBRIMME,

PHILADELPHIA, 3d Month, 29th, 1870. Mulberry Street.

* * * * *

Consolation for Contemplated Changes in the Cabinet. There are as good Fish in the sea as ever were caught.

* * * * *

Revels in the President's Mansion. The Black man in the White house.

* * * * *

Nothing Like Leather.

A leather-dealer in the "Swamp" writes to us, asking whether we cannot administer a good leathering to the prowlers who infest that district at night. We don't know. Had rather not interfere. Suppose the poor thieves find good Hiding-places there. Let the leatherist guard his premises with a good-sized Black--and tan.

* * * * *

"Raising Cain."

The Southern papers announce that cane-planting is generally finished, which is more than can be said in this section, where it looks as though the cane was about to usurp the place of the pen. We are not surprised, however, to be informed that not half as much cane has been planted in the South this year as there was last season, owing to the fact, no doubt, that the Government has gone into the business of "raising Cain" so extensively in that section.

* * * * *

Good for a "Horse Laugh."

What is the difference between the leading _equestrienne_ at the Circus and ROSA BONHEUR?

The one is known as the "Fair Horsewoman;" the other, as the "Horse Fair Woman."

* * * * *

A Drawn Battle.

Any fight that gets into the illustrated papers.

* * * * *

A Suggestion.

It is proposed to transport passengers by means of the pneumatic tunnel. In view of the dampness of this subterranean way, would it not be proper to call it the Rheumatic tunnel?

THE UMBRELLA. (CONCLUDED.)

It has been suggested that should a select party from the Fee-jee Islands, who never before had wandered from their own delightful home, be thrown into London, they might immediately erect the copper-colored flag, or whatever their national ensign might be, and take possession of that populous locality by right of discovery. So, in like manner, should you leave your umbrella where it would be likely to be discovered--say in a restaurant, or even in your own hall--the fortunate and enterprising explorer who should happen to discover it would have in his favor the nine points of the law that come with possession, and the remaining points by right of discovery--a good thing for dealers in umbrellas, but bad for that small portion of the general public not addicted to petty larceny.

DICKENS, in one of his Christmas stories, tells us of an umbrella that a man tried to get rid of: he gave it away; he sold it; he lost it; but it invariably came back; despite his moat strenuous exertions, like bad _incubi_, it remained upon his hands.

This strange incident does not come within our present treatise; it is of the supernatural, and we are seeking to write the natural history of the umbrella.

The man who, has an umbrella that has grown old in his service is a curiosity--so is the umbrella. If a man borrow an umbrella, it is not expected that he will ever return it; he is a polite and refined mendicant. If a man lend an umbrella, it is understood that he has no further use for it; he is a generous donor whose right hand knows not what his left hand doeth--neither does his left hand.

A reform with regard to umbrellas has lately been attempted. A very expressive and ingenious stand has been patented, in which if an umbrella be once impaled there is no chance of its abduction except by the hands of its rightful owner. A friend of ours, who owned such a one, placed all his umbrellas in its charge, and went his way joyfully with the keys in his pocket. During his absence, a facetious burglar called and removed umbrellas, stand, and all. Our friend concludes that it is cheaper to lend umbrellas by retail.

Despite the apparent severity of these remarks, there may be much romance connected with the umbrella. Many a young man immersed in love has blessed the umbrella that it has been his privilege to carry over the head of a certain young lady caught in a shower. In such a case the umbrella may be the means of cementing hearts. Two young hearts bound together by an umbrella--think of it, ye dealers in poetical rhapsodies, and grieve that the discovery was not yours!

How many agreeable chats have taken place beneath the umbrella! how many a _confessio amantis_ has ascended with sweet savor into the dome of the umbrella and consecrated it for ever!

The romance alluded to may be spoiled if there be great disparity in height. If the lady be very tall and you be very short, (so that you can't afford to ride in an omnibus,) you will be apt to spoil a new hat; and if, on the other hand, the lady be very short and you be very tall, you will probably ruin a spring bonnet and break off the match.

Again, if you should happen to carry an umbrella of the vast blue style--to your own disgust and the amusement of the multitude--and, under such circumstances, you meet a particular lady friend, your best course will be to pass rapidly by, screening yourself from observation as much as possible.

It would also be awkward should the day be windy, and, as you advance with a winning smile to offer an asylum to the _stricken dear,_ the umbrella should blow inside out.

The poet has raised the umbrella still higher by making it the symbol of the marriage tie. He says,

"Just as to a big umbrella Is the handle when 'tis raining. So unto a man is woman. Though, the handle bears the burden, 'Tis the top keeps all the rain off; Though the top gets all the wetting, 'Tis the handle still supports it. So the top is good for nothing If there isn't any handle; And the case holds _vice versa_."

All will appreciate the delicate pathos of the simile. Speaking of similes reminds us that there is one on Broadway. An enterprising merchant has for his sign an American eagle carrying an umbrella.

Imagine the American eagle carrying an umbrella! As well imagine JULIUS CÆSAR in shooting-jacket and NAPOLEON-boots. The sign was put up in war times, and was, of course, intended as a Sign of the times, squalls being prevalent and umbrellas needed. Now that the squalls are over, let us hope that the umbrella may speedily come down. Just here we close ours.

* * * * *

"Ironing Done Here."

CAPTAIN EYRE'S conduct has raised the Ire of the whole civilized world.

* * * * *

Right to a Letter.