Chapter 9

While I am on the Continent I feel quite different to what I do when I am on an island. The sensation that if you leave one country you can immediately go into another, without the intervention of what LORD BYRON has so beautifully called the Blue Ocean, (although the ocean or sea is not always blue, but often green) between the two neighbourhoods, produces a curious effect upon my idiosyncrasy. At the same time I must confess that this metaphysical feeling does not apply to Paris, because that city is in the centre of a large country, and if I wished to leave it (which at present I do not), I should have to traverse a considerable extent of territory.

Yesterday I visited the Madelaine, which is a church, and stands near the Boulevards, and the front looks towards the Place de la Concorde, a locality which has also had various other names, which, if I knew them, as I am "free to confess" (as they say in a certain place which I have already immortalised) I do not, would naturally suggest to the mind a long train of instructive historical thoughts, although as the Madelaine, if GALIGNANI'S _Guide_ may be trusted, was not built until after the principal events connected with the Place de la Concorde had occurred, to remember them here would be a case of _post hoc et prompter hoc_ (I translate for the benefit of the fair sex--"because you are here you are prompted to think of that there,") and as I am travelling to instruct myself and my readers, I wish to avoid _persiflage_. The Madelaine is a building which has cost considerable sums of money, and it is a remarkable coincidence that it is Greek in style though intended for _Roman_ Catholic worship, but such are the anomalies and anachronisms which strike the intelligent traveller. The _façade_, or altar-piece, is painted in very bright colours, with mythological allusions to the EMPEROR NAPOLEON BONAPARTE, and other well-known individuals. The effect of the exterior is something like that of the Licensed Victuallers' Asylum at Woking Buzzard, but I think in many respects inferior to that worthy and laudable institution, of which an Englishman (I do not particularly refer to a talented, gifted, and irascible correspondent) is so justly proud. I only staid five minutes; service was not being performed, and there was no person in the church but myself, but this was enough to inspire me with the utmost contempt for the mummeries of the Roman Catholic creed, and with pity for the blinded and unenlightened individuals who indulge therein.

The day being fine, or as they say in France, _ce est une beau journal_, I lounged along the Boulevards, and remarked that human nature was the same in every climate. I then went down the Rue de la Paix--you will observe that I am now quite familiar with the old parts of the City of Paris--and after some turnings came to the Cathedral of Notre Dame, which is certainly fine, although devoted to a false religion, which, however, does not alter the architecture, and I hope I am too candid not to draw the distinction between the external and the internal aspects of an edifice. To adopt a metaphor, the sign of a tavern may be well painted, although the beer sold within may not be good; but in saying this, I wish to be understood to speak generally, and not with reference to any particular establishment, far less to swell that illiberal cry against hotel-keepers (many of whom are most worthy and honourable men) which my antagonist--whom it is my mission to crush--in Printing House Square continually raises.

But, _revenions a nous moutions_, ("to return to business") I was greatly pleased, or shall I say amused, with a highly dramatic scene which occurred in the course of my walk. I shall never forget it, and it may take its place "in this distracted orb" (SHAKSPERE'S _Hamlet_) beside that other joke, which, as I have already told my readers, will throw me into paradoxes of laughter at any hour or time. Wake me and tell me the house is on fire, assure me there is an earthquake, let me hear that a printer's unpardonable carelessness has made a newspaper under my charge say a reverend clergyman reached before PRINCE ALBERT instead of preached before H. R. H., and that the Court refuses to receive my published apology; still, if you tell me the joke in question, I shall laugh. But I think the following dialogue is as rich as the other, _Arcades ambo_, (the fair sex must excuse me if I do not translate this). I saw a respectable gentleman's handkerchief protruding from his coat pocket, and knowing the disagreeableness of finding that humble but useful article missing, especially in the influenza period, I thought I would waive ceremony, and though unintroduced, suggest to him the advisability of a precautionary measure. So, touching my hat with some playfulness, I said, "_Monsieur, vous voulez perdre votre parapluie_." (I must not translate this, or the joke will be lost.)

"_Ah!_" he replied, adding, after a pause, "_Bah!_"

But as he did not replace his handkerchief, I, who am not easily daunted, returned to the attack.

"_Mais, Monsieur, vous n'attendez pas a moi._" (Sir, you do not attend to me.)

"_Diable!_" he exclaimed, impatiently. As I never permit any of our own correspondents to use this word, I shall not break my own laws by rendering it into the vernacular.

A compatriot of my own here came up, and with the sportiveness allowable to intimacy, said,

"What's the row?"

I explained that I had given the French gentleman a caution as to his _parapluie_, to which I pointed as sticking out of his pocket.

"That's his _mouchoir_," said my friend, laughing heartily, as did the gentleman when the mistake was explained to him, and we all took off our hats to one another. These little amenities cost nothing, but yet may be bright oases on the ordinary stream of the battle of life.

I must reserve until to-morrow my narrative of the taking of the Bastille, which naturally occurred to me as I gazed upon the column in the Place Vendôme, and I shall probably offer some instructive observations upon the literature and religion of the country in which I now find myself. But I can truly say, "England" (which includes Scotland, and also poor Ireland) "with all thy faults, my heart still turns to thee," a thought which must comfort those countries during my temporary absence.

* * * * *

THE STEAM ANNIHILATOR.

It is said that "Steam annihilates both Time and Space." It is a thousand pities, for our comfort in railway travelling, that its annihilating powers will sometimes extend, also, to--human beings.

* * * * *

* * * * *

TO THE NOBLE AIRL

AT THE HEAD OF HER MAJESTY'S GOVERNMENT.

(_From a countryman of his._)

Hey, ABERDEEN, are ye wakin' yet, And are our drums a beatin' yet, The journals lee, Or fra' all we see, The Russians are not retreatin' yet?

Hey, ABERDEEN, are ye writin' yet, In hollow phrases delightin' yet, While on Danube's banks Thae hostile ranks Are makin' ready for fightin' yet?

Hey, ABERDEEN, are ye prosin' yet, On your council sofas a dozin' yet, To the old world's sneers, And the new world's jeers, Your country's honour exposin' yet?

Hey, ABERDEEN, are ye twaddlin' yet, And over yer red tape dawdlin' yet About NICK'S good faith, And his power, and baith, To your weary colleagues a maudlin' yet?

Hey, ABERDEEN, are ye Premier yet, We must have some cleverer schemer yet, Or the Russian cat Whom ye love to pat, Will be over to lick up her cream here yet.

* * * * *

"The true art of dining consists in dining at your country's expense."--_Young Stafford._

* * * * *

FESTIVITIES IN SOUTHWARK.

A SPLENDID banquet was yesterday given by MESSRS. PUE and PHITT to their friends and connexions, to commemorate what may be termed the coming of age of their establishment; the extensive bone-boiling and horse-slaughtering concern, and catgut manufactory, situated in a densely populated part of the above district: which, having now arrived at the standing of 30 years, is exempt from the operation of the Nuisances Removal Act.

Dinner was served in a large shed on the premises, fitted up for the occasion, having been decorated with much attention to taste, and plentifully sprinkled with chloride of lime in equally judicious regard to smell.

The usual loyal toasts having been dispensed with, and "Our Noble Selves" substituted in their place, the senior partner proposed the toast of the evening. He said he was glad, in times like the present, when alarmists were making such efforts to lead people by the nose in a crusade against everybody who gave the slightest inconvenience to that organ, to see himself, and his friend at the other extremity of the table, surrounded by so numerous and respectable an assembly of well-wishers. He was proud of the support of the strong minds that despised a squeamish agitation, and of the strong stomachs--the two always went together--that asserted themselves in meeting to afford that support in that place. The interest that he and his partner had the honour of representing might be called one of the Institutions of Southwark; and they prided themselves upon the fact that their premises were, as a wag had observed, among the peculiar fetors of the locality. The odour of profit was pleasant, in the opinion of a wise man, no matter what the profit was made out of, and the surrounding district was rich in effluvia, and he hoped no dainty legislation would ever impoverish it. Bones were not boiled--dogsmeat was not made--catgut was not manufactured--with lavender-water. But what was called a perfume was often more unhealthy than the reverse. Flowers, for instance, were considered by the faculty bad for a sick room; and on the other hand, what could be more wholesome than physic, and what more nasty? The salubrity of the atmosphere they were then inhaling, was proved by the fact that himself and his family had been breathing it for the last thirty years; and that led him to the toast he was about to propose. The establishment which they were met to celebrate the prosperity of, had now completed the thirtieth year of its existence. It had, in fact, attained its majority, and was now no longer under that control that an infant business of the same nature is subject to. The monster nuisance, as it had been invidiously called, was no longer amenable to the Nuisances Removal Act. The young Giant was out of his nonage; and those who wished to grapple with him must do it in the Court of Quarter Sessions--where he defied them. He would now then give them the young Giant's good health; they would drink, if they pleased, Perpetuity to the Premises, and Success to Sulphuretted Hydrogen and Ammonia.

The toast was drunk with all the odours.

The other member of the firm briefly expressed his thanks for the kind and enthusiastic manner in which the company had responded to his worthy partner; which, he declared, quite delighted his old bones.

After a series of other anti-sanitary toasts and sentiments, the company separated at a late hour in an excited state, having, as a facetious gentleman remarked with a strong emphasis on the first syllable of the epithet, partaken of an entertainment that was truly _sump_-tuous.

* * * * *

THE ETRUSCAN PATTERN.

We are informed that a communication of an interesting nature has been made to the Tuscan Government in reference to the imprisonment of MISS CUNNINGHAME for giving away a Bible and a _Pilgrim's Progress_. Through the HON. MR. SCARLETT, acting as Chargé d'Affaires in the temporary absence of SIR HENRY BULWER, LORD ABERDEEN is said to have requested the opinion of the GRAND DUKE LEOPOLD and his Cabinet respecting a measure of great importance in regard to the principle of toleration, contemplated very seriously by HER MAJESTY'S Ministers. The projected enactment which has thus been submitted to the consideration of the Tuscan Sovereign and his advisers is based on the principle whereon is also founded the article in their penal code under which MISS CUNNINGHAME has been incarcerated. It treats the attempt to convert any person from the State religion as a crime against the State, and inflicts imprisonment with hard labour for that offence. Under its operation any Roman Catholic, convicted of making a present to a member of the Established Church of a "_Garden of the Soul_," or a crucifix, will be tried for sedition and CARDINAL WISEMAN will inevitably be sent to the treadmill.

* * * * *

A LEGAL QUERY FOR THE NEXT EXAMINATION.

What is better than a right of way through the Park? A right of curds and whey at the Lodge gate.

* * * * *

THE BRITISH STENTOR.--The most powerful voice in the country is that of the man who can utter most money.

* * * * *

THE PEACE SPECTACLE IN SCOTLAND.

Olives are to be grown in Edinburgh. We rejoice to hear the news. The Scotch have always been distinguished for meekness and (after breakfast) even mealy-mouthedness. They have, nevertheless, been shamefully libelled by history. The national spirit has been designated the _perfervidum genium Scotorum!_ No such thing. CALEDONIA was ever mild as milk: in the time even of AGRICOLA, it was well known that butter would not melt in her mouth. This meek, pacific quality of Scotland has been wickedly disguised and libelled, but COBDEN and BRIGHT have resolved to vindicate the truth. Eagles never did breed in Scotland--they were only doves, sucking-doves, of a larger size. And as for the thistle, with that hostile, spiteful, unbrotherly motto, _Nemo me impune lacessit_,--Scotland shall henceforth assume as her floral type the simple "gowan fine."

We are happy to learn that the peace festival will be celebrated with appropriate beauty of imagery and plenteousness of fare. We have gathered a few of the particulars; and although we do not vouch for the fullness of the description--for the time will yet admit of many improvements--nevertheless the subjoined will be found a very fair sketch of the approaching ceremony.

At day-break, Mons Meg will be fired; being loaded with a cotton-ball, brought from Manchester by one of her Members, JOHN BRIGHT. A procession--forming at Holyrood House--will proceed (weather permitting) to the summit of Arthur's Seat. We give a few of the more important characters in the pageant.

MR. COBDEN (crowned with corn) will lead a Bear in a string of daisies; the Bear "crumpled" a little about the ears, and muzzled with the finest bit of cotton twist.

MR. BRIGHT will lead a Turkey in chains of pork sausages!

A Banner (with a walnut-tree worked in worsted) borne by MR. GEORGE WILSON; with the appropriate peaceful motto:

"The oak gives place to the walnut-tree, For more 'tis beat, the better it be!"

At the public meeting, the LORD PROVOST will--on the part of the City of Edinburgh--decorate certain members of the Congress with medals, bearing the effigies of a Goose--a Calf--a Bee. _Anser, Vitulus, Apis regunt mundum_: the Goose, the Calf, the Bee do (should) rule the world--Goose-pen, Calf-parchment, Bees'-wax.

At the banquet geese and sweetbreads and wax-candles will, in a savoury and brilliant manner, further illustrate the uses and beauties of ANSER, VITULUS, APIS.

For ourselves, we say, long flourish the olive-tree! But is now the precise season to plant it in the soil of Scotland?

Courteous invitations have been sent to the EMPERORS OF RUSSIA AND AUSTRIA, to be present either in their Imperial persons or by ambassador. However, up to the time of our going to press, no answer had been received; and we thought it, perhaps, useless to wait for it.

* * * * *

"WOODMAN! SPARE THAT JOKE."

A new Work has been recently published under the quaint title of "_The Book of the Axe_." We do not know whether it is an illustrated volume, but the "_Book of the Axe_" would seem to have missed its aim, unless the "cuts on wood" are numerous.

* * * * *

A TRANSPORTED AUDIENCE.

Transportation, as a penalty for crime, has been abolished by law: but transportation, by way of amusement, is still carried on, and MR. HENRY RUSSELL--familiarly known as the original "maniac," he having obtained an injunction against a second-hand "maniac" who had infringed a copyright by seeing them "dancing, dancing, dancing, in the hall"--has been causing some of his audience to be literally transported with delight by presenting them with free passages to America. This is all very well, and very liberal, no doubt, but a passage to America may sometimes prove more free than welcome.

We recollect a recent instance of a quiet old gentleman from the country having strolled into a theatre, where he found a "popular vocalist" pumping away at the "_Ship on Fire_" with all his lungs, and the old gentleman was about to quit the theatre at the end of the performance when he was suddenly seized, dragged on to the stage, exhibited to public view, and loudly cheered as the happy winner of "a free passage to America." To appear ungrateful for a boon which seemed to be thought so enviable was impossible, and the poor old gentleman was obliged to give his name and address on the spot, to enter into arrangements for meeting the ship at Liverpool, and pledge himself to an emigration which would separate him from a capital business, a devoted wife, and an affectionate family. The feelings of that wife and family may be conceived when they found by the next day's paper--received by the early morning mail two hundred miles from London--that the husband and father had so far forgotten the ties of home and kindred as to have become the subject of "a free passage to America." It is true that, after a frightful nightmare, in which he heard a wild chorus of "Cheer, boys, cheer," interrupted by moans of "Ha! 'tis the night watch!" with occasional shrieks of "I am not mad! I am not mad!" he rose with a determination to relinquish his precious prize, and resigned to some more appreciating hands his "free passage to America."

* * * * *

VERY GOOD OF THE POPE.

The Pope, according to his frequent custom, has recently caused prayers to be offered in all Continental Catholic churches, for the conversion of England. This is very good of him, though it may be very unnecessary. The POPE declares--sorrowingly--that this England, "once the island of the blessed," has been "for a long while past caught in the errors of heresy"--"has fallen from the true belief,"--and is oppressed by "dark, false teaching, which keeps it from the knowledge of the truth." All of which evils His Holiness prays may be put away from us, that we may all see the true light, which is the POPE'S eye--all salute the true faith, which is the POPE'S toe. We repeat, however, that we object not to the prayers of the POPE'S Church; but we do most vehemently object to the bolts and bars with which such supplications are wont to be associated. For instance, we have no objection that the DUKE OF TUSCANY should pray for the conversion of MISS CUNNINGHAME, but we do object--and might feel disposed to urge such objection from an iron mouth--that the GRAND DUKE should turn the lady from her free home to an Italian dungeon. Let the DUKE pray as much as he will; but only pray--not _prey_.

* * * * *

RUSSIAN "MOUCHES" IN EDINBURGH.

The daily papers tell us that--

"The clouds of small black flies which were observed in many places of the island about a fortnight or three weeks ago, again presented themselves on Wednesday morning in the neighbourhood of Edinburgh."

These black flies have--we understand upon good authority--preceded MR. ELIHU BURRITT from Russia: and are, indeed, only another evidence of the magical influence of the harmonious blacksmith. These black flies were--only two months ago--wasps, Russian wasps, encountered by ELIHU in the environs of St. Petersburg. He was on horseback, when his horse's foot sinking into a wasp's nest, brought a cloud of the destructive insects about the head of the traveller. Every wasp had his sting out when--MR. BURRITT delivered himself of one of those marvellous orations which it had been his mission to deliver to the CZAR'S bondmen. In twenty minutes, the eloquent peacemaker had talked every armed wasp into a harmless small black fly. Thus, can there be any doubt that the peace orators of the North will, in like manner, talk the Russian army out of its bayonets?

* * * * *

READY WIT.

The _Morning Herald_ says of MR. GLADSTONE'S Inverness speeches,

"The nail-blue-cholera-collapsed condition of his speeches!"

Is not this ready wit? Wit at the fingers' ends?

* * * * *

* * * * *

MEETING OF THE RABBITS.

Last week was held a meeting of certain rabbits in a box in the Zoological Gardens. The meeting, it must be confessed, was not very numerous, but extremely respectable.

MR. DOUBLESMUT took the chair, and briefly opened the proceedings. He said that they would improve the happy accident of their meeting into an enduring advantage. He thought that the time had arrived for the whole nation of rabbits to raise themselves in the scale of creation; by cultivating a deeper trust and wider confidence with the animal world about them. He must lament, while he confessed, that he had been brought up in the fear and horror of foxes, weasels, stoats, polecats, sparrow-hawks, and so forth. But, for his part, he believed that the time was come when the whole rabbit people might live in love and amity and perfect trust with all around them. It was mean; it was a moral cowardice to distrust either fox or weasel: they, poor things! like illiterate rabbits, had been the victims of ignorance and prejudice; but in these days, everybody might embrace everybody. Yes, he felt his heart expand towards all created things, and--

--And the rest of the speech was cut short; for the boa-constrictor--in whose house the rabbits had met, and over whose coils they had hopped and run--the boa, in the twinkling of an eye, had MR. DOUBLESMUT in his jaws; and in two minutes deposited body and bones in his throat.

* * * * *

A LUNDY FOOT LINGUIST.

The promotion of talent is always gratifying, even when that talent is employed on the side of opponents. MR. LUCAS deserves a reward, which we should like to see him get, for having lately distinguished himself. Among the Hibernian intelligence, the other day, it was reported that, at a tenant-right meeting, a DR. M'KNIGHT having accused him of an act of treachery to the cause, the honourable gentleman declared the doctor's statement to be an "unmitigated lie." MR. LUCAS has often distinguished himself by the use of similar expressions; and what is remarkable, he has not distinguished himself by anything else, except by a veneration of the POPE and a hatred of his Protestant fellow subjects--if his hatred for Protestantism stops there. But it is precisely the limited nature of the ability which he has displayed which entitles him to preferment: and we are sure we speak the sentiments of all moderate politicians when we say that DR. NEWMAN'S "Catholic" University cannot do less than appoint the Hon. Member Professor of the Vulgar Tongue.

We would also commend MR. LUCAS'S merits to the attention of HER MAJESTY'S advisers. We might as well have diplomatic relations with Rome, as with any other of the absurd and semi-barbarous Governments to which we send an envoy. Let those relations, then be established, and our vituperative ex-friend despatched as ambassador to the POPE. The only fear is that the salary which, of course, would be attached to the appointment would stop his mouth, or, at least, deprive his eloquence of that only quality which renders it remarkable--that peculiar strength of language without which it would be wholly unadorned. That this would not much signify one way or the other is not quite true. It is of some consequence to the community at large to be presented, from time to time, with an example of the effects of popish bigotry on the human feelings and intellect, as afforded by the unrestrained rhetoric of MR. LUCAS.

* * * * *

THE OLD FLAG.

One voice from sea to sea, One thought from shore to shore,-- "Peace if without disgrace still peace may be, War, if we must have war!" Curs'd be the hand that draweth brand, While swords with honour can be spared: May the hand rot, which draweth not, When honour bids the sword be bared.

Peace now for thirty years With Plenty, hand in hand, One olive-crowned, one crowned with harvest ears, Have sat within our land, Twin-sisters dear! To keep them here, What price would England grudge to pay? One price alone! Were Honour gone, How long would Peace and Plenty stay?

Bring out Old England's flag, Storm-rent from Waterloo! Fling forth to the four winds the glorious rag, And bear it England through. Through vale, o'er hill, by forge and mill, Past upland village, coastward town, Up Scottish strath, o'er Irish _rath_, Across Welsh hill and English down.

Salute it, young and old, With God-speed on its way! As it ne'er waved but o'er the free and bold Pray Heaven it never may. Still let its course to Fraud and Force Strike terror from the air; Still let its sight to down-trod right Bring hope upon despair.

* * * * *

HOW WE ARE OFF FOR SOAP!

If any one asks us how we are off for soap it is pleasant to be able to answer the question in the most satisfactory manner. We happen to be extremely well off for soap, in consequence of the kindness of some eccentric individuals who are always sending us by post certain penn'orths of specimens of saponaceous matter, with which they invite us to shave ourselves. We have lately received in a letter a bit of something which we are told will cover our face with "a lather like thick white paint, over which the razor will glide;" but as we don't want a razor to glide _over_ our beard, we hesitate to try the experiment. The gratuitous soap is accompanied by the prospectus of a perfume, which "never becomes faint," and a preparation for the hair, which makes it "soft and glossy for ever." We are quite sure that the individual who sent the announcement to us can have no notion of the disorderly haycock which does duty on the top of our poll for a head of hair, or he would never undertake to render it "permanently," or even for one moment "soft and glossy."

* * * * *

* * * * *

BULLY BOTTOM.

Bully _Bottom_ is, in truth, "translated" by MR. PHELPS. Translated from matter-of-fact into poetic humour--translated from the commonplace tradition of the playhouse to a thing subtly grotesque--rarely, and heroically whimsical. A bully _Bottom_ of the old, allowed sort, makes up his face--even as the rustic wag of a horse-collar--to goggle and grin; and is as like to the sweet bully of PHELPS--bears the same relation in art to the _Bottom_ of Sadler's Wells--as the sign-post portrait on the village green to a head, vital by a few marvellous dots and touches of RICHARD DOYLE. In these days we know of no such translation! Translate a starveling Welsh curate into a Bishop of London, and PHELPS'S translation of _Bottom_ the weaver shall still remain a work of finer art, and--certainly to all humanising intents of man-solacing humour--of far richer value. We have had, plentiful as French eggs, translations of facile, delicate French into clumsy, hobbling British; and now, as some amends, we have _Bottom_ translated by PHELPS from dull tradition into purest airiest SHAKSPERE. MR. PHELPS has not painted, dabbed, we should say, the sweet bully with the old player's old hare's-foot; but has taken the finest pencil, and, with a clean, sharp, fantastic touch, has rendered _Bottom_ a living weaver--a weaver whose brain is marvellously woven, knitted up, with self-opinion.

Now this, we take to be the true, breathing notion of SHAKSPERE, and this notion has entered the belief of the actor, and become a living thing. _Bottom_ is of conceit all-compact. Conceit flows in his veins--is ever swelling, more or less, in his heart; covers him from scalp to toes, like his skin. And it is this beautiful, this most profitable quality--this human coin, self-opinion, which, however cracked, and thin, and base, may be put off as the real thing by the unfailing heroism of the utterer--it is this conceit that saves _Bottom_ from a world of wonderment when he finds himself the leman dear, clipp'd by the Queen of Faery. _Bottom_ takes the love--the doting of _Titania_--as he would take the commanded honey-bag of the red-lipped humble-bee--as something sweet and pleasant, but nought to rave about. He is fortified by his conceit against any surprise of the most bountiful fortune: self-opinion turns fairy treasures into rightful wages. And are there not such _Bottoms_--not writ upon the paper Athens of the poet; not swaggering in a wood watered of ink-drops--but such sweet bullies in brick and mortar London--_Bottoms_ of Fortune, that for sport's sake plays _Puck_? The ingenuous _Bottom_ of the play has this distinction from the _Bottoms_ of the real, human world--he, for the time, wears his ass's head with a difference; that is, he shows the honest length of his ears, and does not, and cannot abate the show of a single hair. His head is outwardly all ass: there is with him no reservation soever.

MR. PHELPS has the fullest and the deepest sense of the asinine qualities of _Bottom_ from the beginning. For _Bottom_ wants not the ass's head to mark him ass: the ass is in _Bottom's_ blood and brain; _Puck_ merely fixes the outward, vulgar type significant of the inward creature. When _Bottom_ in the first scene desires to be _Wall_, and _Moonshine_, and _Lion_, his conceit brays aloud, but brays with undeveloped ears. But herein is the genius of our actor. The traditional bully _Bottom_ is a dull, stupid, mouthing ass, with no force save in his dullness. _Bottom_, as played by MR. PHELPS, is an ass with a vehemence, a will, a vigour in his conceit, but still an ass. An ass that fantastically kicks his heels to the right and left, but still ass. An ass that has the most prolonged variations of his utterance--nevertheless, it is braying, and nothing better. And there is great variety in braying. We never heard two asses bray alike. Listen--it may be the season of blossoming hawthorns--and asses salute asses. In very different tones, with very different cadence, will every ass make known the yearning, the aspiration that is within him. We speak not frivolously, ignorantly, on this theme; for in our time we have heard very many asses. And so return we to the _Bottom_ of merry Islington--to the Golden Ass of Sadler's Wells.

That ass has opened the playhouse season of 1853-4 very musically--would we could think hopefully, and with prophetic promise. At present, however, _Bottom_ is the master-spirit: and, in these days of dramatic _pardonnez-mois_, it is a little comforting--not that we are given to the sanguine mood in things theatrical--to know that folks are found ready to make jocund pilgrimage to Sadler's Wells, where a man with a real vital love for his art has now for many seasons made his theatre a school; and more, has never wanted attentive, reverent, grateful scholars. In this, MR. PHELPS has been a national school-master; and--far away from the sustaining, fructifying beams of the Court--for hitherto our ELIZABETH has not visited our BURRIDGE--has popularly taught the lessons left to England by SHAKSPERE--legacies everlasting as her cliffs.

As yet, HER MAJESTY has not journied to the Wells. But who knows, how soon that "great fairy" may travel thither, to do grace to bully _Bottom_! If so, let MR. PHELPS--if he can--still heighten his manner on his awakening from that dream. Let him--if he can--more subtly mingle wonderment with struggling reason, reason wrestling with wonder to get the better of the mystery!

"I have had a dream--past the wit of man to say what dream it truly was!--Man is but an ass, if he go about to expound this dream. Methought I was--there is no man can tell what! Methought I was, and methought I had.--The eye of man hath not heard, the ear of man hath not seen, man's hand is not able to taste, his tongue to conceive, nor his heart to report, what my dream was."

We do not think it in the wit or power of MR. PHELPS--under any newer inspiration, to give a deeper, finer meaning to this than he has done. But, if HER MAJESTY command the play, as a loyal subject, he will doubtless make the essay. In these words, _Bottom_--as rendered by the actor--is taken away from the ludicrous; he is elevated by the mystery that possesses him, and he affects our more serious sympathies, whilst he forbids our laughter. One of the very, very few precious things of the stage--of this starved time--is an Ass's head, as worn by the manager of merrie Islington.

We hope, at least, the QUEEN will command that head to be brought--with due solemnity--to Windsor Castle. Let _Bottom_ be made to roar again before HER MAJESTY, the PRINCE, the heir-apparent, and all the smaller childhood royalties. Let _Bottom_ be confronted with the picked of the Cabinet--the elect of Privy Councillors. And--as we have Orders of Eagles and Elephants, why not the ingenuous out-speaking significance, the Order of the Ass? As a timid beginning, we have the Thistle--wherefore not the Ass himself?

In which case, the Order established, the _Bottom_ of Sadler's Wells ought rightfully to be the Chancellor thereof.

* * * * *

SOMETHING IN A SIGN.

ROMEO would never have asked "What's in a name?" if he had but lived to take a tour in England, and become acquainted with the nomenclature of some of our inns. To us there is hardly a sign in the kingdom which is not thoroughly sign-ificant: and any traveller, we should think, who has his mental eyes about him, may see at a glance outside the way in which he will be taken in. Who, for instance, would expect to enter the jaws, or doors, of a _Lion_ without being bitten, or to get away from an _Eagle_ without considerable bleeding? A little matured, the _Lamb_ becomes decidedly indicative of fleecing; while every _Bear_, we know, is naturally prone to squeeze as many as he can lay his paws on. Roguery in the _Fox_ is what everybody looks for, and plucking and roasting are, of course, inseparable from a _Goose and Gridiron_. Nor is the _Blue Boar_ an exception to the rule, for it most aptly symbolises your complexion when you leave it: and no one, we should think, would enter a _Green Man_, when reminded on the threshold of his verdancy in doing so.

Of all our signs, however, perhaps there is none more suggestive than the _Magpie and Stump_, which any one may see is merely a contraction for the far more significant _Magpie and Stump Up_.

* * * * *

THE HATCHET.

"Shall we never bury the hatchet?" asks MR. COBDEN. And _Punch_ asks, "How can the hatchet be buried, when the peacemakers themselves so often throw it?"

* * * * *

IMPROVEMENTS OF LONDON VERSUS THE IMPROVEMENTS OF PARIS.

Some attention having been lately called to the increasing magnificence of Paris, it is due to the national taste of this country to point out the improvements that have been lately effected and are now in progress in the British Metropolis.

To begin with Buckingham Palace; and indeed we may well say to "begin" with it, for we can scarcely hope to see it finished. Standing in front of the Palace, we look upon the enclosure of the Park, and we feel a national pride in stating that there has been an extensive addition to the valuable collection of aquatic birds which absorb so much of the attention--and the bread-crumbs--of the bystanders. Every one is familiar with the fountain opposite the Palace, and the familiarity of the public had been accompanied by a contempt which was perfectly natural. This fountain, formerly consisting of a stone ginger-beer bottle, standing in a round pie dish, has been removed, the operation having served the double purpose of improving a work of Art, and giving employment to one plumber, a bricklayer, and a bricklayer's labourer for nearly a fortnight. This stroke of policy combined the advancement of national taste with a propitiation of the working-class, or, at least, of those members of it--three in all--who were engaged in the transmogrification of the ginger-beer bottle in a pie dish complete to the present substitute, which, though highly effective, is exceedingly simple, and is, in fact, nothing but a plug-hole.

Turning our back upon this subterranean squirt, which we are happy to do, we walk up to the gates of the Palace, where taste and industry are at work in the form of a stone-mason, who is occupied in chipping the resemblance of a bunch of PRINCE OF WALES'S feathers on the stone-work to which the gates are appended. When this magnificent idea is realised on all the gate-posts, the spectator, looking from the north, will have no less than six feathers in his eye--a result that might be looked for in vain in any other capital of Europe. Turning our gaze upwards to the Palace, we are struck by the dazzling effect of several thousand pails of whitewash which have been lavished on the front of the royal residence, while, for the sake of contrast, the sides and back of the building have been left in all their pristine dirtiness.

We will now proceed to the City, by Pall Mall; and, on our way, we will stop at the Ordnance Office where, as it is a public building, we will see what public taste and public money have effected. The architect has, with a boldness amounting to audacity, piled an extra attic on to each of the two wings, thus producing a wondrous novelty of effect by making the sides of the building considerably higher than the centre. Criticism might, perhaps, complain of a rather too free use of the cowl--and, indeed, of a rather startling variety of cowls--in the treatment of the chimney-pots. Passing eastwards, and shutting our eyes--for obvious reasons--as we traverse Trafalgar Square, we turn round when we reach the Strand, and catch a glimpse of the pigtail of GEORGE THE THIRD forming a sort of parallax to the Electric Clock, which is the star of the neighbourhood. The first remarkable work of Art that greets us on our way is the wooden figure of a Mandarin, which nods to us from the window of a tea-dealer's; and this curious specimen of sculpture in wood is faced by a remarkable piece of carving in the form of a joint of cold meat in the cook's shop opposite. Finding ourselves eventually in the City, we pass the end of Farringdon Street, pausing for a moment at the Waithman Monument, and thinking that the artist who gave his head to this block ought to have his head given to another.

But we now approach the more ambitious improvements that have been effected in the City at an enormous cost, and we are struck with astonishment at the bold effort that has been made by the architect of the Manchester Warehouse on the right to destroy the effect of St. Paul's, by raising up an ordinary brick structure to a considerable height above the roof of the Cathedral, and thus suggesting the recollection of the frog and the ox in the fable. The architect of the Manchester Warehouse, who is some unknown "bird," has endeavoured to swell himself out to the dimensions of a WREN, and the result is, that though he may have damaged the effect of St. Paul's, he has made his own paltry pile ridiculous by its juxtaposition to the great metropolitan monument.

From the sketch we have given it will be seen that we cannot be charged with doing nothing in the way of alteration to the Metropolis, but, on the contrary, we are doing much that will give a lesson to Art by teaching what to avoid, or, at all events, what would be better avoided.

* * * * *

HOW EPHRAIM SMUG SPOKE AGAINST POLICE AT THE VESTRY, AND DIDN'T PERSUADE PEOPLE.

EPHRAIM SMUG was a trader snug, A Quaker in faith and feeling, Little given to heed distinctions of creed In matters of worldly dealing, And as sharp a blade in driving a trade As lives between Bow and Ealing.

He'd a horror of war, but he'd sell the CZAR Steel or powder for Turk or Tartar; The slave trade did hate, but would send a freight Of handcuffs for African barter; And though pious himself, would have furnished for pelf The faggots to roast a martyr.

His stock in hand to suit each land, Was various in assortment; In gains and grace he throve apace, Till quite dignified grew his deportment; And he kept a strong box, with three patent locks, And he knew what "taking it short" meant.

Till there came bad times, and long columns of crimes Filled the files of the morning papers, How cribs had been cracked, and tills ransacked, And all sorts of burglarious capers, Set forth without stint by all arts of print To attract the _gobemouches_ and gapers.

But SMUG only jeered, as these stories appeared, At the nervousness of each neighbour; Said it would be absurd, were cost incurred In blunderbuss, pistol, and sabre; And when the Police 'twas resolved to increase, He declaimed about waste of labour.

But the Vestry still, to guard shop and till, Voted rates, spite of all objectors: Laid in bars and bolts, and revolvers from COLT'S, And a pack of canine protectors; While EPHRAIM SMUG called their fears humbug, And snubbed the Police Inspectors!

He railed at the cost; counted up what was lost In alarum, and dog, and detective; At the Vestry he got excessively hot, And descended to invective,-- Calling stories of plunder, mere editor's thunder To make newspaper sales more active.

Quoth he: "Why spend our gains, in spring shutters and chains, Instead of in lawful traffic?" Then of danger to peace, from dogs and police, He gave a picture graphic; And on brotherly trust came out with a "bust" Of eloquence quite seraphic.

"And after all's done, has anything gone?" (Thus ran his peroration), "Where's the highwayman grabbed, or the burglar nabbed, For all your big police-station? Show a dog if you can that has pinned his man! I pause--for a demonstration."

Some this eloquence scorned, and wouldn't be warned-- But some began to change feature;-- "The Policeman we pay three shillings a day, And a dog is a hungry creature."-- When thus began a plain-spoken man-- Not the least of a popular preacher:

"Now, it seems to my mind--though no doubt I'm blind Not to follow friend EPHRAIM'S reason-- That we've not thrown away our policeman's pay, If our pillows we take our ease on, Without any dread of a chap 'neath the bed, With a knife to slit one's weason.

"If our bars and our bolts, and revolvers from COLT'S Have been wasted because not wanted, Had we been without guard--neither bolted nor barred-- Though we'd spent less (for that is granted), Shouldn't we have looked glum if a burglar had come, And with our goods levanted?

"I appeal to the room, why mayn't we assume That the very precautions we've taken Against EPHRAIM'S advice, may have been the price At which we have saved our bacon?" "Hear, hear!" cried the crowd. Police were allowed; And the faith in EPHRAIM was shaken.

* * * * *

OUR TOURIST IN PARIS.--NO. 8.

Frenchmen are accustomed to boast, and with reason, that Paris is the best stranger's city in the world. If you were dropped from the skies into the Place de la Bourse with nothing, as people say, but what you stand upright in, in five minutes you might have the advantages of a complete establishment. Under that archway you find a Brougham, which is at your service for two francs an hour, and a trifle to the man. The turn-out is not of course dazzling, and the coachman drives with a rein in each hand and his whip over his shoulder; but equipages in general are not very stylish here, and the whole thing is decent, clean, and comfortable. Your Tourist would not undervalue the London Hansom; it is an incomparable carriage of its kind, and has become a necessity for young men of fashion like himself. Bowling down Piccadilly to St. James's Street at fifteen miles an hour under the whip of one of the tremendously swell cabmen who ply in those parts, is a perfectly unique pleasure. But you can't take your wife or your sister with you in such a rampant vehicle; and if you have no carriage of your own, you will feel the advantage of having a decent _coupé_ within call at cab fare.

Then, without the trouble of carrying a wonderful lamp about with you--which would be excessively inconvenient, not to say ungentlemanlike, to our notions--you can instantaneously command the services of a slave at the moderate price of a franc per errand. In London, unless a man has an establishment of servants, or is staying at an hotel, he must go his errands himself, or trust the questionable fidelity of a crossing sweeper.

Having hired your carriage and servants, you can at once find a lodging of any degree of pretension (ornamented with five-and-forty clocks, if you like, and as many looking glasses), where you take up your abode without being bored for references. Here you can live as in chambers in the Temple, only very much more comfortably, with domestics always at hand yet never intruding, and free from that intolerable surveillance that a London lodging-house keeper thinks it her duty to keep on her patrons. As long as you pay your rent you may keep your own hours and select your own company. (MRS. P--RK--NS I fear never reads your paper, Sir, or she could not fail to be of a sweeter temper than she is; but, on the chance of her seeing this number, allow me to tell her that she is like a toad, both ugly and also venomous, likewise a dragon, and in other respects objectionable, while the curtains of her first-floor are a standing miracle, containing as they do, in successive strata, vermin that flourished in the beginning of the present century. Moreover, I did not purchase that case of curious old Champagne brandy with any view to encourage her in intemperance, which is disgusting in all, and especially in females.)

As you walk in the streets far from home you can satisfy any want, however minute or unexpected, down to having your clothes brushed, your boots cleaned (by the way, Parisian boot-cleaning is an utter and total failure), or even having your nails cut. This last does not strike an Englishman as much of a luxury; but we must remember that here a paternal government has, in its tender care for home cutlery, decreed that no Frenchman shall be able to purchase a decent knife, razor, or pair of scissors, under about twice its value.

Your Correspondent, whose meditative mind leads him to trace causes in their effects, attributes to this policy the length of beard and fingernails which distinguishes, if it does not adorn, all ranks here (he flatters himself that the connexion between cutlery and cleanliness has not been remarked upon before). You can also have your corns chopped about, if you have any fancy for permanent lameness, at a very moderate figure. In short, every operation of the toilet may be gone through by means of a short series of visits without opening your dressing-case.

You have the gayest promenades in the world, and if it rains, abundance of cover with rather more opportunity of amusing yourself than there is in the Burlington Arcade, for there is always a bustle, and everything you see is pretty, except the women. A few sous for a cup of coffee or a glass of liqueur entitle you to spend your whole afternoon in a _café_, ventilated and lighted to perfection, where you may read all the journals, and amuse your leisure with the manly game of dominoes. Compare this with the dingy, dirty, beer and tobacco-scented coffee-rooms of London, where they think you a "sweep" (that is the expression I believe) if you don't make yourself nearly drunk on their poisonous fluids, and where the inside sheet of the _Times_ is always "in hand." It is a constant wonder to me what unfortunate foreigners do to fill up their afternoons in our smoky Babylon.

You dine as you like, economically or splendidly, without the terrors of indigestion before you; and after a cup of coffee (almost an unattainable luxury in London), you have your choice of Grand or Comic Opera, Classical Drama, or Vaudeville, the only objection to which is, that after once seeing careful and refined acting, you will rather lose your taste for the "genuine effects" of the British stage, and may possibly, on your return home, set down the favourite performers as awkward sticks or impudent buffoons. As you go to bed, without the fever that arises from a heavy dinner with beer, Port, and Sherry, you may reflect that you have not been bored for a single instant of the day, and contrast with your own case the unutterable misery of the stranger without friends or a club, who is condemned to pass his time in London.

CHARLES MARTINGALE, ESQ., having read the above, says it's all humbug. He lodges in Piccadilly (very cheap, only £120 a year, including a servant's room,) goes to the Bag for breakfast, where he meets his friends; reads the _Morning Post_, has a game at Pyramid pool, some Sherry and Seltzer water, and goes back to dress for the Park, where he sees his friends again. Then there is sure to be a dinner party, and a ball or two afterwards, which he tops off with Vauxhall, and perhaps a look in at the Haymarket as he goes home. Or else he does the domestic, and takes a friend in a Brougham to Richmond or Greenwich for dinner. What more can a fellow want to amuse himself? Let him go to Races, or the Horticultural, or the Opera, or the Play, if he likes; and one thing he wants to say is, that _he_ thinks CURLIWIG no end of fun in a farce; and, as to buffoonery, fellows may just as easily do that on paper.

MARTINGALE, what do you mean, Sir? Well, it's very unfair to run down native talent. And--one other thing--he'd a doosid dead sooner have a tankard of club beer than the miserable thin stuff they call Claret here. So he wishes this put in, though he doesn't know about literature and all that, just to show the public that it's not everybody that is so easily taken in by foreigners as a fellow he won't mention.

* * * * *

LARVÆ OF THE CITY OF LONDON.

At the City Court of Sewers--according to the _Times_--certain gentlemen carrying on a nasty business in St. Mary Axe,

"Were summoned upon the certificate of the Medical Officer of Health, stating that there is upon these premises a large store of hides and horns of cattle in an offensive state, and the same is likely to be prejudicial to the health of persons whose habitations are in the neighbourhood of the same."

The cattle were dead--but the hides and horns were alive. We shall be excused further details. But

"One of the defendants said, he had been on the spot many years in constant attendance on the business, and he had not, during the whole period, a moment's illness. He believed that, so far from being prejudicial, the ammonia, which had been represented as so offensive, had operated as a preventive of the cholera in the vicinity of the place in which the hides were deposited."

According to this gentleman, if putrefaction generates the bane, it also develops the antidote; but, unfortunately, when both are taken together it usually happens that the former is a great deal too strong for the latter. We must note one more exquisite morsel of physiology.

"A COMMISSIONER said, he really believed that it was the wish of some people to make a private parlour of the City of London. (_Laughter and cries of 'Oh!'_). He had lived many years, and his father before him, in the midst of the matters complained of, and a healthier family never existed than that which they had successively brought up in the City. He wished that the gentlemen who were so nice were obliged to go without meat for 12 months."

The family to which this individual belongs must be a curious one. A naturalist would like to see it. What class of creatures can it be that lives and thrives "in the midst of the matters complained of?" Have they got any legs?--if so, how many, or is the structure of their bodies annular? Do they change into anything, lie torpid, and then change again into something else, with wings? In that case do they fly away, and where do they go to? In any case, where do they expect to go to?

* * * * *

EXCESSIVE EXTRAVAGANCE.--The ladies' bonnets are all "running to waist."

* * * * *

* * * * *

A LITERARY MILLIONAIRE.

Nobody expects to hear of a Literary Millionaire in England, unless it be the author of a Million of Facts, or a Million Nuts to Crack for Christmas. In France, however, authors are more fortunate, for SCRIBE, the celebrated dramatist, has just purchased an estate, for which he has given upwards of ten thousand pounds sterling. Fancy an English dramatist purchasing, or even succeeding to any estate whatever, except, perhaps, man's estate, though even this he scarcely ever seems to reach, for he seldom appears to arrive at years of discretion.

We wonder that poor SCRIBE can feel secure in the enjoyment of his purchase, without being under the apprehension that some English translator or adapter will attempt to translate the property and adapt it to his own use in some way or other. The French author has been accustomed to have all his plots mercilessly seized, and why should not his ground plots be subjected to the same piratical process? SCRIBE is the author of his own fortune, and we shall not be astonished to find some of our British dramatists--from mere habit--attempting to appropriate the proceeds of his authorship, by claiming a portion of the fortune he has realised. If some of our playwrights should ever purchase estates, we may be sure they would be "copy"-hold, inasmuch as nothing original--not even an original lease--could be expected at their hands.

* * * * *

A HOWL FROM THE HIPPOPOTAMUS.

AIR--"_I'm a Broken-hearted Gardener._"

I'm a hippish Hippopotamus, and don't know what to do, For the public is inconstant and a fickle one too; It smiled once upon me, and now I'm quite forgot. Neglected in my bath, and left to go to pot. And it's oh! oh! out of joint is my nose, It's a nasty Ant-eater to whom every one goes.

He is my abhorrence, I think him quite a hum, He's worse than that Marine Vi-va-ri-um; He beats the Knowsley beasteses of the Derby dilly, And makes the baby Elephant look small and silly. And it's oh! oh! pity my woes! The American Ant-eater has put out my nose.

I stood against the novelties--I didn't care at all When the Frenchmen my existence were unable to recall; I knew it was all jealousy, and I, too great a fact, To be rendered a nonentity by any Mossoo's act. But it's oh! oh! the English me depose, And with the Great Ant-eater have put out my nose.

He is but an Edentate, while I'm a Pachyderm; He has got a shaggy hide, while mine is smooth and firm; He can't tell how to walk, and he don't know how to swim. And yet, the public overboard have thrown me for _him_. And it's oh! oh! to think that my foes Should get a Great Ant-eater to put out my nose.

He has scarcely got a mouth, and no teeth, but in their stead A yard or two of tongue in his elongated head; And why the fickle public should delight in such a beast, Is a mystery that I cannot understand the least. And it's oh! oh! would any one suppose, An Ant-eater could ever out of joint put my nose?

I was growing up in Hippohood, the visitors to please, And cutting my incisors, and increasing by degrees; And my milk-and-carrot diet I was quickly throwing by-- And now they have compelled me to eat humble pie. And it's oh! oh! what a thing I disclose! The American Ant-eater out of joint's put my nose.

I'd like my sharpest grinders in that Ant-eater to stick, And leave his bushy tail for the dicky birds to pick; I'd just like to shew him that _I_'ve got teeth to use, That can crunch him into nothing whenever I _chews_. And it's oh! oh! that I could come to blows With this beast that's so completely out of joint put my nose.

Or I wish that I could make myself a Fellow, d'ye see, Of this Zoological So-ci-e-ty: For then I'd send this Ant-eater back to his Ants, Or to my French rival at the Jardin des Plantes. But it's oh! no go: there's no end to my woes; The American Ant-eater out of joint's put my nose!

Signed, HIPPO X his mark. Countersigned, SADI

_Knight of the Bath and Groom of the Chambers._

Given at my house in the Zoological Gardens, this 15th day of October, 1853.

* * * * *

WORDS OF PEACE.

"That miserable miscreant!"

These were the dulcet breathings of the "oaten stop" of the Member for Edinburgh at the Peace gathering. "That miserable miscreant," said pacific MR. COWAN, "the DUKE OF TUSCANY." Well, we thought Peace proffered olives; but here are offerings very like bad eggs.

* * * * *

* * * * *

TO FIGHT OR NOT TO FIGHT? THAT IS THE QUESTION.

Our curiosity has been not merely on tip-toe, but positively upon stilts for some months past, watching the no result of the hostile correspondence between the Great Bear and the little Turkey-cock. The whole affair has been almost as absurd as an "affair of honour;" and if the parties concerned had been individuals instead of nations, the business would have long ago been brought to a conclusion, by being overwhelmed with a storm of ridicule. If any other notes than diplomatic notes had passed on this occasion, there would have been no end to the quizzing that the proceeding would have elicited. If Russia had been BROWN and Turkey had been JONES, if France had been SMITH and England had been ROBINSON, if Austria had been SNOOKS and Prussia had been TOMKINS, how ludicrous would have been the "note" as drawn up by SNOOKS, with the concurrence of SMITH and ROBINSON, but amended by JONES, and dissented from by BROWN, on a point of personal dignity! If ROBINSON and SMITH were required to give their good offices, by deciding whether the note should be read in a Brownian or in a Jonesian sense, and if SNOOKS were suspected of secretly siding with BROWN, while TOMKINS was supposed to be shuffling out of an alliance with SMITH and ROBINSON from a secret fear of JONES, the whole world would go off, _avec explosion_, into a fit of merriment at the trumpery pretensions of the parties involved, and the utter insignificance of their quarrel.

Such, however, is the true complexion to which the thing must come, if divested of the exaggerated dimensions which are given to it by the interests that are unfortunately jeopardised. The quarrel would be but a very common-place quarrel, after all, if it were not for the unfortunate fact that JOHN BULL'S nose has somehow or other got poked into the affair, and that he will probably have to pay through the nose for the awkward position he occupies.

* * * * *

DID YOU EVER?

Did you ever know a strike which did not hit the workman harder than the master?

Did you ever know a hotel-keeper, whose "wax" lights would bear the test of a tallow-chandler?

Did you ever know a Continental tourist who, if he unfortunately happened to speak English, didn't everywhere discover he was charged at least double for it?

Did you ever find a "professional" win a game of billiards of you without assigning your defeat entirely to his "flukes?"

Did you ever know a cockney take to boating without dressing himself up _à la_ T. P. COOKE?

Did you ever meet a diner-out of sufficient strength of mind to ask for "cabbage?"

Did you ever hear a loo-player confess to having won more than "just a shilling or two?"

Did you ever know a pic-nic go off without the awful apparition of a "wops?"

Did you ever know a penny-a-liner who, in speaking of a fire, could abstain from calling it "the devouring element?"

Did you ever find a Continental shopkeeper whose "_prix fixe_" might not be proved a _lucus-a_-nonentity?

Did you ever start upon a railway journey without hearing the immortal observation "_Now_ we're off?"

Did you ever know an "alarming sacrifice," which in practice did not prove to be completely one of principle?

Did you ever in your life hail a City-bound omnibus that wasn't going "a'most directly" back to Bayswater?

And as a final clincher--Did you ever know a cabman who, since the new Act came in force, could by any eloquence be induced to give you change for a shilling?

* * * * *

GETTING INTO THEIR GOOD BOOKS.

MR. G. V. BROOKE has advertised his intention to establish, out of the profits of his acting, a "Free Library for the People." We hope that the nation, in accepting the "tragedian's" books, will not pledge itself to adopt all his "readings."

* * * * *

HOTEL AND TRAVELLING EXPENSES.

"MR PUNCH,--We have seen by the _Times_ how extortionate hotel-keepers can be occasionally. In order to add my testimony in the matter, and with a view to assist in finding a remedy, I have been looking over a file of accounts which, from time to time, I have paid for my son. The following document speaks for itself; it is a relic of a tour made by my son to the Highlands of Scotland. The following seems to have been incurred between 6 P.M. and 8 A.M. next day--

_s. d._ Dinner (Kailbrose and haggis) 1 6 " Ale 2 0 " Whiskey (4 Mutchkins) 3 0 Supper (Finnan Haddies) 0 3 " Toddy 14 0 " Cigars 3 0 Mornin's 2 6 _______ £1 6 3

"I am, _Mr. Punch_, yours, &c., "JOHN TOMKINS."

* * *

"MR. PUNCH,--As there is some stir just now about the price of victuals and conveyance, I hope you will say a word for us. I don't eat no turtle, nor hares, nor grouse, nor partridges, nor pheasants, nor pigeon pies, nor venison, nor prawns, nor grilled turkey, nor apricot tarts, nor anything of that sort, which it quite makes one's mouth water to read of in the _Times_--nor I don't drink no foreign wines, though I once tasted some which was pretty much like ink and water. No, Sir, I likes my good old English beef, or bread and cheese, and my pot of beer along with it, and I think they taste the sweeter when they are not 'leavened with a sense of injustice,' as the late SIR ROBERT used to say. But, to come to the point. I work hard all the week--'from morn to noon, from noon to jewy eve,' as they say at the Institution; so me and my old woman and kids like a little turn round on Sunday. Well, Sir, last Sunday was a week I went from my place in Shoreditch to London Bridge, and then on by the penny steamer to Chelsea, and it cost no ends of money. Before starting on the boat I met BILL SMITH, and the following was the little bill we run up:--

Chelsea. Sept. 1853.

_s. d._ 2 Pots Ale 1 4 ½ Pint Gin 1 0 10 Pickwicks 0 10 9 Bottles of Pop for Kids 0 9 Biscuits for ditto 0 3 ____ 4 2

"I had nearly forgotten to mention that one Sunday afternoon I paid 6_d._ for a 'bus to Regent's Park Zoological, and 6_d._ to come back again without having seen anything. PROFESSOR JELLY, of the Institution, says the Vivarium is very interesting; but I find that it is only the aristocracy who are admitted on Sunday, the working-classes it seems would do an injury to their soles by looking at the fish on that day. BILL SMITH says he thinks if he might go to the Crystal Palace, British Museum, &c., on the only day he _can_ go, he shouldn't care how much extortion was practised at the public-houses, for he wouldn't use them.

"I am, _Mr. Punch_, yours, &c., "PAPER-CAP."

* * * * *

A MUSIC-SELLER'S OPINION OF FRANCE.

"I can generally tell, Sir, the state of public opinion by the songs I sell. In 1830 I sold thousands of _Parisennes_, I don't sell one now; and I don't think we've been asked for a single _Marseillaise_ for these last three years. It is the same with _Mourir pour la Patrie_--no one cares for that now; and as for _Vive Henri Quatre_, not one copy has left my shop, I should say, since the day when the DUCHESSE DE BERRI was caught in a cupboard. The only song that is asked for at present is _Partant pour la Syrie_, and we don't sell many of those. Ah! Sir, it is a bad sign when the people don't sing! Many a revolution in France has been caused by a song, and more than one throne has been upset from the want of one!"

* * * * *

TABLE MOVING EXTRAORDINARY.

We learn from a gentleman who is in the habit of moving in the highest circles, that the Table Movement party has lately derived great encouragement from the fact that the Table Rock has been moved down the Niagara falls.

* * * * *

THE PAPAL CUE.

The POPE has been ordered to play billiards for his health. Judging from the specimens he has hitherto manufactured, we doubt whether his Holiness will ever make a good canon.

* * * * *

* * * * *

LARES AND PENATES FOR THE POTHOUSE.

High Art in British Sculpture is out of the question--except as, in the case of the DUKE OF YORK'S image and that of NELSON, when the figure is placed on the top of a tall column. This is in most instances by far the best place for it; the generality of our statues being objects of such a nature as to render it advisable that their view should borrow the very largest amount of enchantment that can be lent thereto by distance.

The Sublime in plastic Art is hopelessly unattainable by JOHN BULL: he has never yet been able to manage to pass the boundary which separates it from the Ridiculous. We had better stick to the latter, wherein we excel. To be sure, it may be doubted whether any production of the native chisel, meant for fun, could be more funny than the forms of pigtail, of wig, of military uniform and official costume, which that instrument is seriously employed to dignify. But why continue to adorn our churches and public buildings with monuments of gallant officers accoutred for parade, of bishops in confirmation costume, and of half-nude unshapely statesmen with cropped whiskers, in the dishabille of a loose sheet, apparently draped, in an uncomfortable manner, to undergo the operation of shaving? These things do not excite the feelings which they are meant to address--some of them, on the contrary, instead of warming the imagination, suggest a very unpleasant idea of catching cold.

But then, when British Sculpture attempts a tobacconist's Highlander, or a Gog or Magog, it succeeds admirably, and there is a special direction in which it once promised to do wonders; that of bass-relief on the exterior of brown jugs. Here was native talent forming a channel for itself, in which perhaps it had better run freely, exercising originality, than labour with imitative and simious toil at the manufacture of ideal Art-Alepots.

On Art-Alepots, however, of a humorous and comical design, and kindred subjects, the British sculptor might work with immense success. We have abandoned the Greek and Roman mythology (modern as well as ancient) for the most part, but we have still a sort of Temple of BACCHUS; the Gin Shops and the Public-houses. To the decoration of these the British sculptor could direct his abilities right profitably.

At a recent meeting of the Middlesex Magistrates--according to the _Times_--the chairman of the Bench, MR. POWNALL, delivered an oration to the applicants for publicans' licenses for music and dancing wherein--

"After expressing his own desire, and that of his colleagues, to do all in their power to promote a national taste for music by granting music licenses, he cautioned such applicants as should be fortunate enough to obtain them, not to attempt to open penny or twopenny concert rooms, lest by so doing they should attract the customers of, and injure the draught of liquor in the neighbouring public-houses. He warned them that if they were so ill-advised as to build and fit up spacious and well-ventilated music saloons for the accommodation of the public, and to repay themselves by taking money at the doors, instead of by an increased sale of beer and gin, and so 'create a monopoly in their own favour,' they must recollect that they did so 'entirely at their own risk,' that is, at the risk of having their concert rooms closed by the licensing Magistrates on the next licensing day."

Now, in the Middlesex Magistrates, as represented by MR. POWNALL, and not in them only, but in the whole unpaid Bench, might the British sculptor find models for household gods to embellish pot-houses withal. Their worshipful forms might be carved to stand as chimney ornaments, or to stride in the character of the jolly divinity upon barrels over tap-room doors. The "fair round belly with good capon lined," of the worthy justice would exceedingly well become that situation; for the national organ of music which the magistracy wish to cultivate appears to be a barrel-organ. No stout, no song; no beer, no ballad; no porter, no piano; no heavy, no harp; no fuddle, no fiddle; are the maxims which regulate their philharmonic ordinances. No gin, no glee, is their decree; no go, and no chorus. Therefore the mantelpiece of every Jerry-shop ought to be embellished with their statuettes, and so ought that of every big brewer and gin-spinner, their private connexions, consulting whose vested interests under the pretence of a regard to public duty, they violate the very essential principle of Free Trade, in order to prevent the competitors of their friends from "creating a monopoly in their own favour."

* * * * *

LIBEL ON THE PRINCE OF WALES.

A Sunday paper, which affects to consider itself the organ of the Court, has fallen into a libel through its excessive propensity to flunkeyism. The following is the libellous paragraph:--

"THE PRINCE OF WALES AND THE SHOPMAN.--During one of the late Royal visits to the Dublin Exhibition the Royal children wandered about in the toy section of the building, while the QUEEN and PRINCE ALBERT were in other departments. The PRINCE OF WALES showed a precocious tact in striking a bargain. He asked the price of an elaborate specimen of carving in bog-oak. The shopman in attendance, quite overwhelmed with the unexpected honour, answered distractedly, "a shilling"--the true price being about fifteen shillings. The Prince, with a promptitude worthy the future ruler of a great commercial nation, closed with the bargain at once, laid down his shilling, and walked off with his prize. This little incident will probably make the fortune of the exhibitor, who is constantly surrounded by groups of the curious, and preserves the shilling under a glass vase, only to be shown to the most favoured of the customers."

While transferring the above paragraph to our columns, we beg to protest against its truth, and to express our contempt for the awkward flunkeyism which endeavours to compliment the heir to the throne by imputing to him an act of what an American would call "smartness," and an Englishman would designate dishonesty. The imputation thrown upon the little PRINCE is that he took advantage of a shopman's mistake to obtain for a shilling what was worth fifteen, and this is clumsily described as a feat "worthy the future ruler of a great commercial nation." What great commercial principle is comprised in the act which has thus falsely, as we believe, been attributed to the Prince we are at a loss to perceive; but, if our contemporary carries on its commercial concerns in the spirit it seems so much to admire, we should decline having any dealings with it "in any shape or way" whatever.

We should like to know what the proprietors of the paper would say if a "smart" news-boy were to enter the office, asking the price of a quire of the journal, and on being told sixpence by mistake, he were to throw down that sum, and seizing up some ten shillings-worth of property, were to hurry away with it. Such an "incident" would more probably become the subject of a police charge than of a puffing paragraph.

* * * * *

AN IMPOSING SIGHT.--The sight of your Bill--at nine-tenths at least of our "first-rate" Hotels.

* * * * *

PHOTOGRAPHIC "GLIMPSES OF THE MOON."

PROFESSOR PHILLIPS, than whom ENDYMION was not a more fervent admirer of the moon, has succeeded in inducing her, not merely to sit for her portrait, but even to paint it. When

"His great bright eye most silently Up to the moon is cast,"

we may be sure that

"Right graciously She looketh down on him,"

since she allows him to carry away so many softened images of her charms. For other men she exists only in apogee or in perigee, but he possesses her also in effigy, and can contemplate her at his leisure, when her face is "gone from the gaze" of ordinary mortals. Nevertheless he intends, with a liberality that does him honour, to make his fellow men partners of his good fortune, and has therefore entrusted her relative, and namesake, the late eminent printseller of Threadneedle Street, with the preparation of engravings from the aforesaid photographs. _Punch_ is happy to present the world with a prospectus of these engravings, which are three in number. The first depicts her as she appeared on her "conjunction with JUPITER." She is attired in her bridal dress, a robe of white aërophane, spangled with stars; JUPITER is just stepping forward to "endow her with his ring;" and CHARLES'S WAIN waits in the background to convey the happy couple to their destination. The second picture is evidently meant to be a companion to the first, for in it she is represented on the _wane_, whilst the celestial BOOTES, who has been holding the horses' heads, is once more putting the ribbons into the hand of CHARLES.

In the last plate of the series, the "expression of her features," (as was said of the young lady who wore a wreath of roses) is "more thoughtful than before," and we scarcely need to be told by the accompanying letterpress, that she has just been reading in the afternoon's _Sun_ an account of the difficulties by which her beloved brother, the EMPEROR OF CHINA, is surrounded.

Great hopes were at first entertained that she would allow a fourth plate to be executed, displaying her as she appeared when "the cow jumped over the moon;" but she steadfastly refuses her assent to this proposition, alleging, with much reason, that, whilst only the learned few could trace in the legend of this saltatory performance an allusion to the mystical fellowship of the Egyptian APIS with ISIS, the lunar deity, the many would treat it as irreverently as did the little dog who is said to have "laughed at such sport;" and that, although the dish may on that occasion have run away with the spoon, the plate thus executed would find no spoon spooney enough to elope with it.

* * * * *

PARSONS AND DOCTORS.

Many surgeons, doubtless, remarked an absurd letter from a clergyman which appeared the other day in the _Times_, recommending charcoal in combination with brandy and opium--as a cure for cholera. One of them, dating his letter from Bloomsbury Square, has fortunately written an answer to that communication, pointing out that the quantity of the last-named drug prescribed by the parson would amount to 10 or 12 grains every half-hour; and of course destroy the patient. This clergyman, no doubt, is a well-meaning person, but he should confine himself to pointing the way to Heaven, recollecting that the opposite place is paved with good intentions. Possibly he overstated the quantity of opium, by what may be called a clerical error; a proper dose of it is well known to be beneficial in the complaint in question: brandy is also found useful: and to these two ingredients of the mixture we should be disposed to ascribe any favourable result of its administration. The third is probably inert; otherwise it would be a convenient medicine, as anybody, in case of need, might munch cinders.

Clergymen, in their anxiety to do good, are too often accustomed to add the treatment of bodies to the cure of souls. In order to minister to patients as well as penitents, they ought to possess the gift of healing, and that having ceased to be supernaturally imparted, they had better acquire it in the ordinary manner, by attending the hospitals. Some add homoeopathy to what the rubric prescribes in the Visitation of the Sick, and by so doing do the least harm that it is possible to do by empiricism; as the swallowers of their globules at least die of their diseases: but we would advise even the homoeopathic divines to stick to theological mysticism, and not deal in "riddles" which will generally be "affairs of death."

* * * * *

POETRY FOR THE PEACE CONFERENCE.

To preach a bully peace Would I don a suit of drab, With a white cravat and a broad-brimmed hat, And rely on simple gab? Oh no! my friends, not I; I'd buckle sword on thigh; And also a pair of pistols wear, And keep my powder dry.

Of small avail are words Alone, with headstrong foes; But they go for much when they are such As can be maintained by blows. So, if policeman meet With brawlers in the street, At the word to be gone they won't move on, Till he his truncheon shows.

With despots if we plead By diplomatic notes, Best speeds our pen when we show most men In blue and scarlet coats. Most regiments of the brave, Most fleets upon the wave; Let the style be bland, but strong the hand That begs them to behave.

To charm vindictive rage In warlike rival's breast, It is well to preach in the softest speech If at peace we wish to rest. But arm meanwhile!--enlist! Draw gauntlet upon wrist; And in friendly grasp he soon may clasp, And shake your doubled fist.

* * * * *

A RAILWAY DOG.

The papers contained the other day an account of an eccentric dog, who, it seems, is in the habit of frequenting the railways, and travelling about the country from station to station in company with different engine-drivers. Surely this must be a very unhappy dog, who is afflicted with a suicidal turn, and whose instinct directs him to the railways as the surest mode of terminating his existence.

We should like some philosopher to take the matter in hand, and ascertain whether the dog is a sad dog, a reckless dog, or a mad dog, that is thus risking the shortening of his dog-days by pursuing such a line of life, or rather such a line of death, as a line of railway.

* * * * *

EAGLES AT A DISCOUNT.

France has lately superseded the jolly old Gallic Cock, and mounted the Eagle on the dunghill of national vanity. Eagles have, however, fallen terribly low in France, and they are being publicly exhibited in every variety of form and substance, from the Spread Eagle cut in paper, at three sous, to the Eagle ready to seize on its prey, carved in gilt wood, at one or two Napoleons. It is quite true that the French have found their master not at all earlier than they wanted him; and we can't help recognising the wisdom of substituting the Eagle for the _Egalité_ humbug that was, for a time, permitted to predominate.

* * * * *

THE TUNE CHANGED.

For the first day RICHARD COBDEN was supreme at the Peace Congress: the bagpipers played nothing but _Oh Richard, oh man Roi!_ On the second day, however, after old ADMIRAL NAPIER had fired off his speech, nothing was heard but--_Charlie is my Darling._

* * * * *

"THE COMING STRUGGLE."

The speculations about the "Coming Man" have amused us for some years; but expectation having been tired out by waiting for the "man," who, though always "Coming, coming, coming!" never came, a new dodge has been started, and we are now called upon--in a pamphlet, price 6_d._--to prepare for the "_Coming Struggle_." According to the author of this rather lucrative speculation the world is very shortly to be at an end, and indeed, it seems that we may as well make arrangements for terminating all business transactions in 1866, for after that the Millennium is to commence, when pecuniary affairs are to be a matter of total indifference. If the author of the "_Coming Struggle_" is to be believed--and between 100,000 and 200,000 copies of his "speculation" appear to have been sold, which looks as if some people put faith in his announcements--we may expect most of the public companies to begin winding themselves up, and the Insurance offices especially should already begin to refuse insurances on healthy lives, for after 1866 no policy will be payable.

Such is the credulity of the age, that the author of the "_Coming Struggle_" will, probably, realise by this sixpenny "spec.," a very nice little competency. We would advise him, however, not to carry the experiment too far, or he will invest in paper and print all that he has made: and he has already shown symptoms of a tendency to over-do the thing by bringing out a "_Supplement to the Coming Struggle_," price also 6_d_. Sequels are never successful, and having finished off the world comfortably in his first book, we think him injudicious to try the experiment of another. Poor MURPHY made a hit with one "_Weather Almanack_", and, if he had left the thing alone, he might have preserved his reputation as a prophet, but when, unfortunately, he risked another shot and predicted a "coldest day," on which the thermometer was at 60 in the shade, there was an end to his "_Weather Almanack_" as a source of income. We advise the "_Coming Struggle_" gentleman to be warned in time and not to speculate in "supplements," or "sequels," but to go altogether on a new tack if he wishes to "put money in his purse," which is probably the chief aim of his "philosophy."

* * * * *

A ROYAL "LUNCH" PREVENTED.

It must be a relief, indeed, to HER MAJESTY to get away to Scotland, where in the retirement of Balmoral she is at least free from the importunities of that sort of loyalty which deprives her of the common comforts of a private individual. Provincial Mayors are perhaps the greatest pests that Royalty has to encounter; and the Preston Corporation seems to have made itself a fearful bore on the return of the QUEEN from Scotland. No sooner was it understood that HER MAJESTY would stop at Preston fifteen minutes to take luncheon, than the Town Clerk issued a circular to all the members of the Corporation, calling on them to meet for the purpose of deciding how the fifteen minutes HER MAJESTY had allowed herself for refreshment could be consumed by some municipal twaddle, of which Royalty was to be made the recipient. Instead of the QUEEN being suffered to take her hurried basin of mock-turtle at the station, she was to be bothered with calf's head, in the shape of the Mayor, and a dish of hash was to be set before her in the form of an adulatory address from the authorities.

It is indeed hard that Royalty cannot get a quarter of an hour free for luncheon on a long journey, but is compelled to give up every minute of spare time to the swallowing of a quantity of unwholesome stuff in the way of flattery from the authorities. We admire a loyal address when circumstances render it appropriate and convenient; but to intercept HER MAJESTY at every resting point on her way, and subject her to the fatigue of listening to and answering a mass of commonplace rubbish from the mouth of a Mayor, is no less impertinent on the part of the authorities, than it must be annoying to the Sovereign. We are quite sure that the QUEEN would prefer a sandwich to a puff, and a glass of sherry to all the milk-and-water in the world--notwithstanding all the sugar that the authorities might put into it.

* * * * *

HOW BRITANNIA SALUTES HER BABIES!

BRITANNIA--like a most careful mother--expends a world of powder on her babies. A week ago she flourished the powder-puff regardless of expense; and regardless of noise. Her three youngest royal babies--the PRINCESS LOUISA, aged five years; the PRINCE ARTHUR, aged three; and the dear little poppet PRINCE LEOPOLD, aged not one--were all of them brought down from the nursery at Osborne, and--with their nurses--embarked on board the _Fairy_ to cross to Portsmouth, on their way to Windsor Castle, to be smothered with kisses by one of the best of mammas, and one of the tenderest of fathers.

Well, the precious babies passing through Spithead "were saluted by the _Blenheim_, by the garrison, and by the _Victory_, flag-ship;" and this was ordered by GRANNAM BRITANNIA, who, we think, by such smoke and pother rather exposes her dotage than shows her affection. Why should the "adamantine lips" of sixty-eight pounders salute those little babies? LOUISA, being five years old, may be a little seasoned to the custom; and ARTHUR--(as godson to the DUKE)--may have a precocious taste for gunpowder; but consider the tender months of baby LEOPOLD! A suckling, and saluted with a smack of thunder.

Poor little heart! No doubt GRANNY BRITANNIA means the noise as an evidence of her love; but, we needs must think it a proof of her foolishness. Dear little rose-buds! Why not go to be kissed at Windsor in all their innocent freshness? Why should they be forwarded to their parents, new too from Scotland, smelling of gunpowder in which is so much brimstone?

* * * * *

* * * * *

RETALIATION.

Photography, it was erroneously stated, had enabled forgers to commit frauds upon the Bank of England. Had it been true, the retribution would have been just. The Bank issues light sovereigns--why not repay it with Light five-pound notes?

* * * * *

HOW TO MULL PORTE.--Ask LORD ABERDEEN.

* * * * *

EXIT G. V. BROOKE.--ENTER TOM BARRY.

That MR. BROOKE--according to the information benignantly supplied to a benighted public by his manager--has restored Drury Lane to its former grandeur as a Temple of the Drama, is a grand fact. Having restored the Temple, and made his exit--_en route_ for California--enter TOM BARRY "the Deathless Clown."

MR. E. T. SMITH--like a modest flower--unconscious of his own merits, has culled in "a wise discretion, the result of a deliberative council in science." And the wisdom of his discretion shows itself in astounding results. For instance, he has the youthful HERNANDEZ, who is, in himself, "the very constellation in the hippodramatic hemisphere." Next, he has EATON STONE; and he "confronts in a marvellous manner, the wild horse of the prairies"--that animal being at the present hour rampant and loose under Drury Lane stage. Next, there is ARTHUR BARNES, "the champion of all the world" who throws "ninety-one summersaults in succession;" a living anatomical illustration of the truth that one good turn deserves another. TOM BARRY, "the deathless Clown--his name and fame are enough." The Undying One! Immortal WILLIAM over the portico, and the Deathless BARRY in the sawdust!

It is expected that the Deathless BARRY will, 'ere his engagement concludes, be regaled with a complimentary supper of several yards of property sausages. Among other expected toasts, is "The Memory of JOSEPH GRIMALDI," which, it is believed, will be responded to by his late dresser, a veteran of the good old school. On this festive occasion, the horses of the company--deathless Barbs!--will have an extra feed of beans.

* * * * *

THE "VOW OF POVERTY."

Some Benedictine monks, with a strange mixture of the secular and the spiritual in their affections, presented themselves a few days ago as claimants to vote for Members of Parliament. Though they profess to entirely de-vote themselves to the Church, they do not wish to be de-voted or deprived of votes for the county of Northumberland. But the best of the joke--rather a solemn piece of mockery, by the bye--was the fact of their appearing in the character of persons having taken "a vow of poverty," to claim their right to certain property, in respect of which they contended that they ought to have the electoral franchise. The contradictory and anomalous position in which they stood led to a cross-examination of the claimants, in the course of which some peculiar views as to the effect of a "vow of poverty" were elicited. The result seems to be, that a Benedictine monk may be a man of property, though he has taken a vow of poverty, and that, in the words of one of the professional men engaged on the occasion, "so far as respects property the law of poverty has no effect whatever."

The Benedictine monk was a good deal pressed, and in spite of the ingenuity appropriate to his "order" he was driven into a corner, from which he could not escape except upon the prong of a fork which the professional gentleman kept continually presented to the Benedictine monk, for the latter to fall upon. When told that, "in making the vow of poverty, he says he has no property whatever," the "monk" could only reply "We must have property or we could not exist;" so that we are justified in asking what is the meaning of a vow of poverty, if it can be taken by a man of property who, on the strength of that property, lays claim to a vote for the county? The witness when pressed admitted, "We all have property"--all _we_ who have made a vow of poverty, or an abnegation of property--but the way we manage it is this: "We have what is called a 'peculium,' which is a separate thing from the vow of poverty." It is convenient, certainly, to be able to be poor and rich at the same time, and to combine all the temporal advantages of property with the spiritual advantages of poverty. The "peculium" is, of course, elastic, and there is no particular place for drawing the line in the banker's book. A vow of poverty which admits of a "peculium" in the shape of a private fortune is like a vow of tea-totalism, which allows of a "peculium" in the form of a private gin-bottle.

* * * * *

THE GOD OF THE RUSSIANS

God of the Russians!--who is he? A great--and bulky--deity: He stands some six feet two, or three.

He is proportionally stout; The lofty form is well filled out Of the Controller of the Knout.

He ranks among the _Dí Majores_, And in despotic power he glories; He once was worshipped by the Tories.

He banquets on celestial fare, His Nectar's _Clicquot_, potion rare! And his Ambrosia's _caviare_.

As to the Russian God's costume, It is a cocked hat and a plume, If so to speak we may presume:

Likewise, a military stock; Belt, sword, and coat--a tail or frock: He stands in jack-boots like a rock.

Yet any thinker might suppose He'd wear a different sort of clothes, More ancient--classical--than those.

For this same God of Russia seeks To be the God, too, of the Greeks. Then why does he sport coat and breeks?

Old NICHOLAS should wear the loose Robe that once clad the form of ZEUS, That is the garment for the DEUCE.

* * * * *

BRITANNIA'S SAFETY BELT.

Considering how much England is indebted for its safety to the magic belt of water that runs round it, every Englishman, when speaking of St. George's Channel, ought, in true nautical fervour, to ejaculate: "Bless its old CHOPS!"

* * * * *

INFECTION GLEBE.

Everybody knows that an intramural churchyard has a tendency to enlarge itself--not in area, but in perpendicularity. It is in every sense a rising concern, and it swells like an investment at compound interest. The attraction of mortality increases in a ratio multiplying with the increase of the mass--and what is there to prevent so deadly a nuisance from being immediately abolished? Hear the BISHOP OF LONDON in his evidence given before the Lords' Committee on the Great Extramural Cemetery Bill--opposed by the LORD BISHOP:--

"I wish, in a very few words, to explain that, when the bill was first printed, the clergy were much alarmed. They saw that it would interfere with the establishment of parochial burial grounds, and they objected more particularly to the small amount of compensation fees which the company intended to pay, viz., 1_s._ 8_d._ for the open ground, and 2_s._ 6_d._ for the brick graves and vaults."

In the country it is a common thing to see sheep grazing in churchyards, but in London, by the account of the Bishop, the same pastures afford food to the shepherds. To the eye of chemists--who are ghost-seers--for ghost and gas "are all one reckonings, save the phrase is a little variations"--what a picture is presented by a metropolitan incumbent praying at his reading desk against pestilence with the cause of it steaming up all around him in the shape of sulphuretted hydrogen, for the generation of which he is principally responsible! By all means give the intramural clergy compensation for the loss they may sustain by extramural cemeteries, though the poor innkeepers did not get any when their businesses were destroyed by the railroads. Let them be compensated even at the Bishop's estimate, which he says he "prevailed upon MR. CORFIELD" to adopt, viz., 2s. 6d. for the open ground and 6s. 6d. for the brick graves. Canterbury Registrars and fat pluralists will cut up one of these days sufficiently well to supply the needful: in the mean time let the _convives_ of the earthworm feed without the walls.

* * * * *

THE BRIDLE ROADS.

We see a book advertised under the title of "The Bridle Roads of Spain." We know very little about Spain, but can inform our fair readers (we mean the ladies) that the Great Bridal Roads of England are:--St. George's, Hanover Square, and Gretna Green.

* * * * *

* * * * *

OUR TOURIST IN PARIS.--No. 9.

My dear fellow-countrymen who throng the theatres, the _cafés_, and the promenades of this gay city, may form very different opinions of its inhabitants and institutions; but on one point, I believe, they are all agreed; that, in common with the rest of the Continent, it is over-ridden with bureaus and bureaucracy. Every third man is an _employé_, a soldier, or a policeman. You cannot have a warm bath, without taking a ticket from a lady at a desk, nor indulge in a mild polka, without being watched by a man in a cocked hat. If you change your hotel, instant information must be sent to the Préfecture; if you want to send a telegraphic message to England, it must first receive the sanction of the Minister of Police; if you enter Paris from a country walk, with a great-coat on your arm, you will be pounced upon and searched at the Barrière. All this is disgusting to honest JOHN BULL, and he curses it with great force of language. "Thank goodness!" says he, "at all events, we are free from this miserable drilling, and marshalling, and boarding-school discipline." In England we certainly are.

Occasionally the London newspapers take the opportunity of an "illustrious foreigner's" visit, to contrast our liberty and their thraldom. The leading journal will point out with its usual epigrammatic terseness, varied illustration, good sense and eloquence, the advantage of letting people alone, and the extent to which our Government does let us alone. "His Highness, or Majesty, as the case may be, will ride for hours in our metropolis with out seeing a soldier or (especially if there's a row) a policeman." Blessed independence! but the contrast is much more striking, because more disagreeable to a wretched Englishmen, born to freedom, who finds himself in a mess on the Continent--a contingency which happens to one out of every dozen tourists. Those confounded passports form the monster grievance. Accordingly from July to November, not a week passes but some victim writes to complain that he is in confinement at Marseilles or Como, or somewhere or another, because his passport is lost or not _en règle_. Old JOLLYBOY, I recollect, wrote a tremendous letter to the _Times_ containing a column and a half of his adventures. It ought to have produced a reconsideration of the whole passport system, but it didn't. Those foreign governments are so dense!

And now little BOMBAZINE (who is "reading for the bar," like every young fellow about town that is not in the army) comes to your Correspondent, and complains of a grievance which throws all the foreign misdemeanours into the shade. He went to the English Embassy to get his passport signed, and _the man there could not speak English_! Now, by JOVE, HARRY is right, and it is too bad! Here are we every day ridiculing or cursing the villainous antiquated machinery of passports. We all know, and are never tired of repeating, that it works for the persecution of helpless timid travellers and the protection of brazen and ingenious criminals. (JOSEPH MAZZINI entered Italy a few months ago in the petticoats and "front" of an old woman, the policemen taking off their hats and paying compliments, while a poor English consumptive parson in search of health was marched off between two chasseurs as if he had been a pickpocket.) We complain reasonably enough that we travel everywhere scattering our livres sterling, making the fortunes of innkeepers, creating watering places, supporting entire branches of commerce, fostering capital cities, everywhere cheated, pitied, and laughed at, and yet foreign governments have not the sense to encourage such lucrative and harmless visitors, but do everything they can to prohibit our free locomotion. They are great asses, are they not? Call them all the names you like, and now believe, if you can, that an English establishment abroad is worse than them all. Our ambassador, as I understand from a diplomatic friend, receives a very tolerable income from his country by way of wages and compensation for exile, and yet cannot afford to keep a man in his office capable of communicating with the multitude of Britons who do not speak French.

We recollect a certain circular issued from the foreign office at Washington, which invited the United States' consuls and ambassadors to employ native Americans and none others in their offices. And quite right. It is bad enough to have to deal with foreigners about our passports where it is absolutely necessary, but when we go to our own Embassy we hope to meet with, if not the _personnel_ at least the language and plain good sense of the Anglo-Saxon. We _might_ expect to meet also there a disposition to smooth instead of aggravating the nuisances of the passport system, and, behold, we find an official with all the French bureaucratic humbug, and without a knowledge of our tongue. How such a monstrous absurdity could have arisen passes one's understanding. Good heavens! why every hotel, every _café_, every shop, nay every superior police office, contains one or more persons who speak English, and the English Embassy is the only establishment without one. Why don't some of those young swells come down from their room and do the passport business? Do they think it "low?" But hear HENRY BOMBAZINE.

"You know MRS. TOODLEHAM, my Aunt, is given to reading the papers in connexion with the prophecies, and has just got hold of a very entertaining book on those subjects called 'The Battle of Armageddon,' which has determined her to come to England at once with me. It's by one of those immensely knowing parties, you see, who tell you about the end of the world, give 'tips' in fact 'on future events,' like the Derby prophets in _Bell's Life_. Well, he says, that Russia is going to invade Jerusalem, and the English fleet is to sail into the Dead Sea--no--the United States' fleet is to sail into the Caspian--no--hang it! I never can recollect the names of places--at all events, there's to be an awful shindy somewhere, and England is the only safe place to go to. So I went to the Embassy to get the old lady's name put on my passport, and, as I said, the fellow couldn't speak a work of English. I tried him with French" (you _should_ hear dear HENRY'S French), "and could hardly make him understand then. He wanted first to see her passport, but, bless you, she hasn't got any. I don't suppose she ever had one, and at all events, if she had, must have lost it years ago. You know she came over to see LOUIS PHILIPPE crowned, and liked the place so much she has stayed ever since. And when I told him that, and offered references to bankers, and so forth--mind you, he's not over civil in his manner, I suppose because he can't make anything by the job--he opened his eyes till the eyebrows went right away into the hair of his head, and flatly refused. '_Savvy vous, Mossoo_,' said he, '_savvy vous que c'est une affaire très serioose. Une affaire serioose_'--those were his very words. What do you think of that, because a poor old woman wants to get back to her native country out of the way of the battle of Armageddon? By JOVE, I know what I'll do. I'll write to the _Times_."

No, no, HARRY my boy, we'll do better for you than that. I'll send your history to _Mr. Punch_. He is great and good, my friend, and will see you righted if anybody can.

* * * * *

AGRICULTURAL IMPROVEMENTS.

The old proverb informs us, that "a reformed rake makes the best husband;" but, according to MECHI, it is "your reformed plough that makes the best husbandman"

* * * * *

THE OATMEAL PHILOSOPHY.--"There is a _mean_ in all things."

* * * * *

DRAT THE EASTERN QUESTION!

_To my Son_ PUNCH.

There now, _Punch_! Drat this nasty stupid good-for-nothing Eastern Question. I am sick and sorry of hearing it talked of, din, din, din, bother, bother, bother, every day, and all day long. Drat the Russians and Turks both, one's barbarians and the other's savages. I wouldn't give a fig for either of 'em; the Russians are just as bad as the Turks, and the Turks every bit as bad as the Russians, there isn't a pin to choose between 'em, six of one and half-a-dozen of the other. The Turks commit double and treble bigamy, and the Russians drink train oil; the Russians are beaten with the knout, and the Turks with the bastinado, and deserve to be, both alike. Oh, I know all about it, although I am only an old woman! and what's the whole to-do about but a parcel of nonsense, ambassadors niggling with their diplomatic notes, and quibbling backwards and forwards because an i wasn't dotted on one side and a t crossed on the other. Hity tity! I've no patience with 'em. Of course, if our bounden duty is to interfere, we must; but it's a great plague, and sickness in the land, and raining cats and dogs, and bread up and meat up, and how much higher they'll go goodness knows, but it will be beyond everything if there should be a war. Drat it! we can't help pestilence and famine, but it's our own doings if we add war. Not that I'm for MR. COBDEN and your 'No Soldiers' people that want to do away with the army and navy, and leave their sisters and mothers to invasion. Drat them, too--I despise such dirty drabs. But I do think it's such annoyance to be drawn in and forced to fight when you've no heart in the quarrel. What a pity it is we can't leave 'em alone and let 'em fight it out. Neither of 'em is our fellow Christians, Turks being Mahometans, and Russians Greek, which is as bad as Latin; and what I should like would be to see them left to themselves and eat each other up, like the Irish cats--poor things! Drat the ultimatums, drat the Phosphorus--which is always causing a combustion--drat the Dardanelles which I am sure they must be some forward husseys--drat the whole business, it's altogether a bad job from beginning to end, if there is to be any end, which if the scrimmage goes on I'm afraid will be the end of everything. Drat it all I say! I wish I had a good large broom, and power to sweep both your SULTAN and your EMPEROR, and all their forces into the Red Sea, or Black Sea, or any sea deep enough to drown 'em out of the way, interfering, by their nasty trumpery tiffs and tantrums, with progress and civilisation, and arts and sciences, and the Crystal Palace at Sydenham, and the comfort and happiness of everybody, to say nothing of a poor old lady like me.

"Your affectionate,

"MOTHER GOOSE."

"_The Common, October, 1853._"

* * * * *

GREAT THEATRICAL STRIKE.

It is reported that MR. CHARLES KEAN the actor has struck for an advance of salary from MR. CHARLES KEAN the manager. MR. CHARLES KEAN refuses to advance another shilling to MR. CHARLES KEAN, actor, desiring him to act his worst. It is believed that the actor has taken the manager at his word. We deplore all strikes; especially one like the above, in which the public are the greater sufferers. When bad's the best, what must the worst be?

* * * * *

THE FASHIONABLE STRIKE AMONGST THE LOWEST CLASSES.

A BRUTE of a Husband is one who fancies, when he marries, that he is at perfect liberty to treat his wife as if she were no better than a street-door, on which there was nailed the polite request: "Please to Ring and Knock."

* * * * *

BEWARE THE BEAR.--Let ABD-UL-MEDJID and NICHOLAS make it up, if possible--but not embrace. The SULTAN must not trust himself to the hug.

* * * * *

THE FINE OLD ENGLISH INNKEEPER.

AIR--_Sufficiently Obvious._

I'll sing you a new song on a theme much stirred of late, Of a fine old English Innkeeper, grown rather out of date, Who keeps up his establishment in almost princely state, And don't forget to charge you there at quite a princely rate, Like a fine old English Innkeeper, one of the olden time.

His house, you're told, is fitted up "regardless of expense," Although one half is obsolete, and t'other make-pretence; Exploded old four-posters, built in GEORGE THE SECOND'S reign, Mock plate to serve mock-turtle in, sham ice-pails for champagne: At this fine old English Innkeeper's, one of the olden time.

The swipes he draws is sour enough to turn a navvy pale, Tho' by a bitter raillery he calls it bitter ale; And tho' perhaps you don't see half a waiter all the day, For "attendance" quite as much as for a lawyer's you must pay To this fine old English Innkeeper, one of the olden time.

Then if to wine your tastes incline some home-made Cape you'll get, Served up in a decanter like a vinegar-cruet, As a "bottle of Madeira" this will in the bill be set, And however nasty it may be a nice sum you're in debt To the fine old English Innkeeper, one of the olden time.

And if your wife be with you, you must have a private room, And use a pair of "wax-lights" (with a muttony perfume), For which you'll pay a crown a day, and 'tis a burning shame That whether they be lit or not they're charged for just the same By this rare old English Innkeeper, one of the olden time.

But soon these fine old Innkeepers will find their race is run, For men are up and doing, and no longer will be done: And shortly we may hope to see a really good hotel, Where we may be admitted, and not taken in as well, As we were by our old Innkeeper, one of the fleecing time.

* * * * *

THE STARVED-OUT COMMISSION OF SEWERS.

Everybody is attacking the unfortunate Commissioners of Sewers, who are said to be standing still with their hands in their pockets, and who reply that they are obliged to stand still because they have nothing in their pockets but their hands. It is true their hands seem to get very deeply into the public pocket occasionally, but however large the sum that may be extracted, the cry of the Commissioners is "We have no funds." If a neighbourhood, thirsty for a good, wholesome fall of water, applies to the Commissioners, their answer is "We can't stand a dram." Their song is always to one tune, and that is the tune of "_I've no Money_."

I've no money! so you see Nothing can be done by me; I own it to my sorrow; But if I were rich, you'd see Wonders would be done by me; So call again to-morrow.

The fact is that the Commissioners of Sewers have such grand ideas that execution is impossible. The imagination of the Commissioners riots in such a sea of sullage, that nothing short of an arched avalanche of refuse water presents itself to the minds of the functionaries who will not stoop to anything short of an aqueduct, and consequently have souls above the making of a common useful drain. Everything must be on such a scale of grandeur, that unless London can be altogether excavated a few serviceable pipes cannot be laid down. We are quite willing to admit the difficulties of the position of the Commissioners with all the sewage of London on their hands, and some people feel naturally tempted to throw mud upon those who are in a degree responsible for getting rid of it. The Chairman, however, seems to take the affair with a sort of philosophic good nature, as if he felt himself somewhat in the position of a glass bottle or a plaster bust perched on an eminence for everybody to take a shy at him.

* * * * *

ART IN THE CITY.

Why not--if Temple Bar must be removed--why not to mark and preserve the sacred boundary of the City, bring bodily GOG and MAGOG from Guildhall to either side of Fleet Street? They would only make two ugly statues the more: and in so large and such a city, what are two?

* * * * *

A HINT FOR THE CONSUMERS OF COAL.--The most cheerful kind of fuel:--Keeping up a constant fire--of jokes.

* * * * *

THE FALLACY OF EXTERNALS.

In the _Times'_ report of the final meeting of the Peace Conference at Edinburgh, it is remarked that

"MESSRS. COBDEN and BRIGHT were the great lions of the evening."

Apparently it is probable that they were; although some may consider them to have been figuring as lambs rather than lions: but then the lamb is not the only creature typical of passive endurance. Appearances, however, are not realities, and the reporter, in inferring the animal from the integument, made a mistake which has occurred before. MR. BRIGHT and MR. COBDEN were going about in lions' skins; but, as those who had just heard them might have perceived, they were not exactly lions.

* * * * *

THE CRY OF THE BRITISH HUSBAND.--"Do you bruise your wife yet?"

* * * * *

THE ARMS OF ENGLAND,

As Improved by the Peace Society.

Of the poor old British Lion The sentence has gone forth, Since BRIGHT has lifted up his heels Against him in the North. Then let him vail the tufted tail He once so proudly bore, When coarsely vain of might and mane, He guarded England's shore.

Be the soldier brute in council mute, Nor more sound war's alarms; Let him yield his place to a milder race In Britain's coat of arms. For the lion is a dangerous beast, And so's the unicorn; The one has teeth and talons, And the other hoofs and horn.

So in a crack from Britain's back Let's tear the coat she has on, And in its place our 'scutcheon grace With Peace's proper blazon: _Gules_ we'll eschew--that bloody hue!-- With drab the field arrange; But _or_ and _argent_ we'll retain, As sovereigns and small change.

Nor lion for supporter, Nor unicorn shall stand, But a spaniel _mendiant_, and a hare _Funkant_, on either hand; _In the first and fourth_, where erst were charged Lions _passant guardant_ three, There three hares _boltant_ to the world, Shall Britain's symbol be.

_In the second_, that was _or In double tressure counterflowered_-- Where _gules_, in times gone by, The Scotch lion _rampant_ towered-- In honour of great COWAN, And his Embro' fellows true, In a tressure of Scotch thistles, An ass _prançant_ you shall view.

_In the third_, that once showed _azure_, The harp of Ireland, _or_-- Since we'll not stand such vanities As music any more, We mean to blazon, _argent_, A ledger, _proper_, blank-- As typical of squared accounts, And a balance at the bank.

"_Dieu et mon Droit_," we will withdraw, The phrase is simple gammon;-- For "_Dieu_" read _£ s. d._,--since who Should be our God but MAMMON? And as for _Droit_, you know 'tis Might, Not Right that wins the game-- So "_£ s. d. et _NON_ Droit_" shall be The motto we'll proclaim!

* * * * *

* * * * *

THE SARCOPHAGUS OF ART.

It is said that LORD ONSLOW has revoked the bequest that he had made of his collection of pictures by the Old Masters to the National Gallery. His reason for taking this step, we understand, is, that the report of the Select Committee on that Institution has convinced him that he had better bequeath his pictures, together with his body, to the earth, to be buried at once.

* * * * *

POLITICAL TABLE TURNING.

Table Turning, as practised by political parties, consists in turning statistical tables to account.

* * * * *

MARRIAGE IN "MEDIOCRE" LIFE.

One of our fashionable contemporaries, of which there are now three (including the _Morning Advertiser_, which "goes in" upon the aristocratic dodge), contained the other day the account of a marriage of a Reverend Baronet with a young lady, whose name is not given, but who is said to be "related to the EARL OF ROSSE." This scientific nobleman may have numerous distant relations, who, on the strength of his title and his telescope, would like to be looked upon as near relations, and therefore the bride may or may not be a very close connection of the Earl. At all events, the persons inserting the advertisement in the fashionable paper, do not seem to have felt themselves justified in heading the paragraph with the usual words, "Marriage in High Life." It was most probably a sort of middle-class matrimonial connection; though in these days it is hard to say where high life ends and mediocrity begins. The couple seem to have been "carriage people," at all events; for as the vehicle--probably a "neat fly" with post horses--approached the bridge, the assembled multitude raised such "vociferations," says the penny-a-liner, "as to make the welkin ring." We should like to see the bell attached to the Welkin, and the Welkin itself in which the phenomenon of "ringing" was produced by the shouts of the multitude.

On reaching the village the vehicle "proceeded through a triumphal arch, ornamented with a lamp." We beg leave to say that we have the honour of passing under a triumphal arch--that which bears the Wellington Statue--twice a day, and we do so without any feeling of undue vanity, notwithstanding the fact that it is also "ornamented with a lamp,"--and indeed two--for there is one on each side of it. The penny-a-liner adds that "on reaching their residence the bride and bridegroom briefly, but feelingly, returned thanks to the inhabitants." What a pity that we have not had a full report of the speeches. Where was GURNEY, the short-hand writer; where was SHERER, and what had become of MORTON?

The next time that a marriage in "mediocre" life is celebrated we trust that a staff of stenographists will be in attendance to take down the "speeches" of the bride and bridegroom, as they pass from the neat fly, gig, or clarence to the inn or hotel they may have chosen for their mellilunar abode.

* * * * *

THE TIGHT BLOCKADE.

If that old Bear in Boots, the CZAR, Will drag old England into war, Our fleet shall sail to Turkey's aid, And we'll try the operation of a tight blockade.

We'll close each port along the shore Of this confounded Bear--and Bore-- And if we can't his realm invade, We'll shut up all his harbours with a tight blockade.

His hides and tallow we'll confine With sundry vessels of the line; In corn, too, we shall stop his trade. 'Twill be under the restriction of a tight blockade.

For all his troops, for all his hordes, For all their lances and their swords, To change his tune he may be made, By a steady perseverance in a tight blockade.

If out of that he tried to dash-- And oh that he may be so rash!-- We'd pound him into marmalade. What a happy termination of the tight blockade!

No matter if old NICK we drub, Though we debar ourselves of grub, Which might to Britain be conveyed, But that Russian corn will lie beneath a tight blockade.

Each blow we deal at him will fall Upon ourselves, both great and small; But Honour's call must be obeyed, And alas! it only can be by a tight blockade.

Would we could with the demon close; Like DUNSTAN, seize him by the nose; Old NICHOLAS would soon be laid, And there wouldn't be occasion for the tight blockade.

* * * * *

A SPORTING REGIMENT.

Some Yeomanry heroes, whose head-quarters are at the "Spotted Cow," in York, have been called together by a circular, of which the following is a copy, to have a day's hunting, on Monday the 31st.

"_Spotted Cow Inn, Walmgate Bar, York, 18th October, 1853._

"SIR,--Through the kindness of our Captain (LORD VISCOUNT DOWNE), _a day's hunt, or coursing_, at Sessay (to the members of his Troop only), is given, which is proposed to take place on Monday, the last day of this month. It is also proposed _to have a little drill--each should attend with his sword and belt_. Be so kind as _say if you can procure a dog_. An early answer is earnestly requested. Further particulars will be gladly given, on application to me, or CORP. SMITH.

"I am, Sir, yours, truly,

"GEO. SMITH."

It is desirable, we admit, that the yeomanry should be indulged in a day's hunting, which may practise them in the art of pursuing an enemy, who in war-time would be fair game. We are somewhat puzzled by the proposition to mix up "a little drill" with the day's sporting, unless the "dogs of war" are to hunt in couples--two abreast. We fear there will be some difficulty in blending the huntsman and the warrior; nor can we comprehend the idea of a sporting military gent running after a fox with "his sword and belt," "taking close order" at the heels of Reynard, or practising the goose-step by way of "a little drill" previous to the starting of the game. The passage in the circular which asks every trooper to "be so kind as to say" if he "can procure a dog," is suggestive of an awful assemblage of mongrels, and destructive to all our ideas of "sport."

We can fancy the canine Babel that would be the consequence if the brutes should happen to "give tongue." If everybody is "so kind as to procure a dog," there would inevitably be a regiment of dogs as well as a regiment of soldiers; there can be no objection to a vast assemblage of dogs at any given point for a given period, but when the dogs have had their day, we would ask in a spirit of much misgiving, what is to become of these dogs when the drill is at an end? We can only say that we should be sorry to eat a sausage within five miles of the place where that troop had been assembled, until at least a month after they should be disbanded, and their dogs should have disappeared.

* * * * *

PIUS PINGUIS.

That the POPE should have been ordered to play billiards to counteract obesity, is a circumstance suggestive of certain natural remarks. A person who fasts as often as the Roman Pontiff must fast, and yet gets fat, is a wonder; and perhaps the plumpness of PIUS, attained principally on red herrings, will be cited one of these days as a miraculous circumstance. FALSTAFF lost his voice "by holloaing and singing of anthems;" but in the meanwhile he gained flesh, as his Holiness appears to have also done in a similar course of exercise. Many prelates are oily enough; but the unction of the present Bishop of Rome is peculiar. The Pontifical chair has often been said to be filled, but now it is full, and no mistake. Perfidy, the Papists say, never approached the see of PETER; however that may be, it certainly will be difficult to circumvent its existing occupant, as his bulk will baffle any attempt to get round him. Many of the Holy Father's predecessors have been deep, but he is broad also.

We should have preferred rackets to billiards as a cure for the Papal corpulence, if we thought the POPE could stand the rackets, as he will have to do, whether he can or not, as soon as the state of Europe obliges LOUIS NAPOLEON to withdraw the French troops from Rome; and that will prove the most effectual proceeding for the reduction of his greatness.

* * * * *

NEWS FOR THE PEACE CONGRESS.

The Submarine and European Telegraph pulsates with these glad tidings:--

"Six new steam-vessels, after the model of the _Napoleon_, are on the stocks, and will be launched about the end of 1854."

Our own correspondent informs us that two of these vessels--in gratitude to the peace-makers--will be called _The Bright_ and _The Cobden_.

* * * * *

JESUIT'S BARK.--This Bark is a small, black, pirate-looking craft, that has fastened itself on, by some hook or other, to PETER'S Boat.

* * * * *

* * * * *

ASTONISHING AND GENEROUS EXERTION BY CATHEDRAL CLERGYMEN.

The newspapers are continually making remarks of a painful nature on the conduct of Deans and Chapters. It is pleasing to encounter an opportunity of commenting in a more affectionate spirit on the behaviour of one of those reverend fraternities. That pleasure is afforded us by the _Morning Post_--wherein, under the heading of "Divine Service for the Militia," we read that

"The necessity of providing some means by which the Militia, in a body, could attend Divine Service on Sunday, and the difficulty of this being secured by the ordinary church accommodation available in Exeter, induced, we understand, the Lord Lieutenant of the county to make an application last week to the Cathedral authorities, suggesting that an extra service on Sunday in that spacious building would meet the wishes of his lordship."

Now, when we consider the average scale on which Deans and Chapters are remunerated in relation to their average services, and when, our reflections guided by the Rule of Three, we inquire how much, at that rate, an extra service of such a description is worth, we find the sum considerable. A prebend's sermon is perhaps, as to its abstract merit, inestimable: a pearl beyond any price: but even its actual cost may be computed at a high figure. Such a discourse, gratuitously addressed to a regiment of soldiers, may be regarded as a donation to them of something handsome per head.

To ask a Cathedral establishment, then, for an extra service, is asking it for not a little: to perform such a service is to do a munificent action. Therefore it is highly gratifying to peruse the statement following:--

"Notwithstanding, however, the difficulties which intervened, we believe it was the earnest desire of the authorities at the Cathedral to meet as far as possible the urgency of the case, a desire which was manifested by the promptitude with which they acted on the suggestions made by the Lord Lieutenant. An extra service was fixed, exclusively for the Militia, at half-past eight on Sunday morning, when the whole body of officers and men assembled within the sacred building, the choir being densely filled from the organ screen to the altar rails, and such as could not obtain admission being within hearing in the side aisles. Prayers were read by the REVEREND CHANCELLOR HARINGTON, who also preached an impressive and appropriate sermon."

Besides, it is announced that on Sunday next, and for the two Sundays following, indeed until the Militia are dismissed, the same service will be performed at the same hour. It should be added, that the only Canons in residence were the REV. CHANCELLOR HARINGTON and the VEN. ARCHDEACON MOORE STEVENS, and that the Chancellor being also Chaplain to the troops, "had, in addition to his duties at the Cathedral, to provide extra services for both barracks." The reverend gentleman who has been performing so many extra services, might almost be supposed to be called Canon of Exeter by a mistake in pronunciation; his proper title being Canon of Extra. At all events he ought not to be styled a Canon in Ordinary, for he is an Extraordinary Canon; and in making this observation, if anybody thinks that we intend a mere play upon words, he is mistaken; for what we chiefly wish is to call attention to a fact. That a prebend should occasionally preach and read prayers of a Sunday a few more times than he is obliged to do, may hereafter come to be regarded as not so very extraordinary a sacrifice of that _otium_ which is enjoyed _cum dignitate_ by the dignified Clergy. The circumstance, at least, will perhaps not be thought so extraordinary as to constitute a special case for penny-a-lining.

* * * * *

NASAL INTELLIGENCE.

One of "our own Correspondents," speaking of the EMPEROR'S late reception at Lille, remarks, as it appears to us, a rather curious phenomenon. "At about nine o'clock," he says,

"The EMPEROR and EMPRESS drove to the theatre, where there was a most loyal reception; and, but that the wet clothes and the soaking umbrellas gave out the odours peculiar to wet coats, the scene would have been splendid."

How the odours of wet clothes could possibly have prevented the splendour of the scene, we confess we are rather at a loss to imagine. For ourselves, we certainly should as soon dream of hearing a sight as of smelling one. That there exists a certain connection between the visual and olfactory organs we don't pretend to dispute. In the absence of profounder proof we do remember an "eye-snuff," which they who were up to it of course took nasally. At the same time we cannot well see how the sense of seeing can be interfered with by the nose, unless indeed it be a preternaturally long one.

* * * * *

A CHAUNT FOR THE CHOUSED.

Dine? who'd dine At eight shillings a head, or even nine, With the heaviest price for the lightest wine? Ah! that house I know too well, 'Tis your "first-class" Hotel: Sad "Tales of my Landlord" there they tell. Far better for me To order tea, And go dinnerless at that hostelry.

Sleep? who'd sleep Where a standing army their quarters keep, And in countless legions upon you creep? Ah! whose form is that I see,-- A flea! Sirs, a flea! He cometh to sup off me. Far better, say I, On the sofa to lie; I prefer his room to his company.

Stay? who'd stay To be bitten and fleeced in this wholesale way, And live at the rate of a fortune a day? Ah! who'll expose their crimes? The _Times_, Sirs, the _Times_, The waiter his fee declines: Tell the landlord from me Him further I'll see, Ere again I'll be fleeced at his hostelry.

* * * * *

HE CAME--SMILED--AND SAID NOTHING!--Such is _Mr. Punch's_ short-hand report of the interview granted by the EARL OF CLARENDON to the Finsbury deputation on the Eastern question.

* * * * *

JAMES'S POWDER, AND HIS SQUIB.

Some of the Virginian slaveholders, true to the kind of logic which one expects from LEGREES, have made five attempts to burn down the house of the English consul, MR. G. P. R. JAMES, as a reply to some objections urged by that gentleman to negro slavery. It appears that years ago, before MR. JAMES attained that world-wide celebrity which has irrevocably placed him at the summit of English literature (we are sure he will be the last person to contradict us), he concocted a "squib" against the slave-owning system. The missile flew so silently and harmlessly through English air that nobody seems to have listened to it, but the case appears to have alighted on American ground, and to have been treasured up by the fortunate finder as evidence against the pyrotechnician and historiographer. MR. JAMES receives his appointment and goes to Virginia, the squib is produced, and excites the fierce rage of the man-stealers, who, as has been said, make five attempts to burn down the great novelist's house. Whether, being as cowardly as MRS. STOWE has taught us to regard them, the conspirators made their efforts in the night, and being scared by the noise made by the distinguished author in snuffing his candle, the click being mistaken for the cocking of a rifle, or whether, in the frantic tipsiness which, the authoress of _Uncle Tom_ tells us, accompanies their social orgies, they endeavoured to set fire to a stone wall, or to the _Life and Times of_ LOUIS XIV., or any other impracticable mass, we are not informed--perhaps cowardice and clumsiness were united, as in every other effort in defence of slavery. Anyhow, MR. JAMES'S property had, at the last advices, escaped the vengeance of those who, brutalised by slave-owning, can hardly think much of arson. Meantime, we have been anxious to see this celebrated squib, and having applied in vain to MR. JAMES'S London publishers, we have been compelled to send over to America for it. The document arrived by the United States' Mail steamship Washington, which reached Cowes on Friday night, bringing mails to the 8th, and it was instantly forwarded to us by a special train on the South Western line. We hasten to give it.

THE SLAVE-OWNERS.

_Epigram by_ G. P. R. JAMES, _Historiographer to the Queen, author of "Darnley," "De L'Orme," "The Gipsy," "The Life and Times of Louis the Fourteenth," "Tales of the Passions," &c. &c._

Surely these men must have very _black_ hearts To treat the poor _blacks_ in this way; Rather than suffer such _terrible_ smarts, I wonder _they don't run away_.

G. P. R. J.

* * * * *

PLATO, GOG, AND MAGOG.

MR. JONES told the Liverymen the other day, that if PLATO were to revisit the earth to project a new Republic, he would take the theory of the Corporation of the City of London as his model. Perhaps so. He would have seen that the theory in question leads to a practical harmony exhibited in an affection of united minds, amounting to the very love of the turtle.

* * * * *

PECCADILLOS OF BEAKS.

The unpaid magistracy, so called, have been accused of licensing public-houses on an arbitrary principle, but it is tolerably certain that they do not grant any preference without a sufficient consideration. Unpaid, perhaps these gentlemen ought not to be denominated; for everybody knows that they pay themselves by the job.

* * * * *

NOT A DOUBT OF IT.--Of all the "tricks upon travellers" which are practised at our Hotels, by all accounts decidedly the most deceitful are the Bottle-tricks.

* * * * *

YACHT SIGNALS.

MR. PUNCH has merely to acknowledge a very useful little book, prettily bound, with the Union Jack (white margin) on its cover, and entitled "_Supplementary Code of Yacht Signals_." It is not of much use to him in Fleet Street, but he intends to keep it until the yachting season begins again, when he will astonish Cowes, Ryde, and "the Island" generally, with the proficiency he displays in nautical, as in all other exercises. That the Yacht Club may appreciate the value of the book, _Mr. Punch_ subjoins a page taken at random. Loungers on shore little know what is meant by the innocent-looking flags which are perpetually being run up from the _Salmagundi_, the _Olla Podrida_, the _Amontadillo_, and the other pretty vessels about which they talk so learnedly. Perhaps this extract may enlighten them:--

Subject. Number Message. to be Shewn.

GIRL. 1827. This, with MRS. ST. BROWN (black eyes) has £15,000. I'd make sail if I were you, old fellow.

---- 1828. (Same, with addition). Quick, for ALGERNON JONES is making enormous play, and telling awful falsehoods about his Irish estates.

JEW. 1473. The, has come down. Is at the Pier Hotel. See him, and do the best you can. I _must_ have £300 in time for Doncaster.

---- 1474. (Same, with addition). No pictures, mind, but a little bad wine don't matter, as I've some country bores coming to stay with me.

WIDOW. 1163. The, won't do. FITZCLUMBER knew her in Devonshire--estate incumbered, and a Chancery suit.

BORE. 1928. FRANK BLOKE is a dreadful. Send out word to him that his governor wants him on shore, and we'll go on to Cowes.

ICE. 1623. We're out of. Rough will do, if you can't get Wenham.

WIFE. 1525. Your, has got some clue to the Tuesday business. I am inventing all sorts of things for you, but you had better come off, and bring her a dog, or a bracelet, or something. I think VANE has sold you.

---- 1625. My. Is in such a bad temper. Send off some French novels.

PUNCH. 1999. New number not come, the girls are wild, and we shall have a mutiny. Pray see about it, and telegraph to town if necessary.

NIECE. 2348. The parson's, is first-rate. So pretty. I have proposed, and she has taken till tiffin-time to consider.

---- 2349. (Same, with addition). Has been asking your Aunt about me, and has given me a flower.

---- 2350. (Same, with addition). Fly, old fellow, and find out for me what, in the language of flowers, is meant by double heart's ease.

---- 2351. (Same, with addition). All up. Your Aunt let out about FANNY MONTGOMERY, and that's what double heart's ease meant. Order supper. I shan't stay on board.

SCREWED. 3284. Was I, last night? Signal if I did anything very absurd. WALTER bets that I offered the bishop a cigar.

CHURCH. 3384. We are all coming to, in the morning, including CATHERINE, _Verbum sap_. No more signals to-night.

* * * * *

SHE WILL BE A MARTYR.

A letter from France says that MISS CUNNINGHAME on receiving the order for her release from prison, positively refused to go, until she was literally turned out. The invitations of the officials to her to "come out of that," were altogether idle; and indeed it is quite evident that the lady felt how completely her pretensions to martyrdom had been cut short by her premature release. MISS CUNNINGHAME in fact proved herself a perfect "Buffalo gal" in her indisposition to "come out," until a due amount of solicitation had been addressed to her.

For our own parts, had we been the British officials employed to negotiate for her release, and she had shown a stubborn disposition to cling to her prison bars, we should have allowed her to remain, and ride as rusty as the bars themselves. We never could see what right she had to scatter Italian BUNYANS all over the boot of Italy, and put her own foot in it. We admit the severity of the punishment and the propriety of getting her out of her prison, though as a general rule it must be laid down, that those who enter a foreign country for the purpose of disturbing its harmony, must expect now and then to have to take a few bars rest.

* * * * *

A NAUTICAL QUEEN.

The QUEEN OF SPAIN has become decidedly nautical. In honour of her own birthday she has ordered three screw frigates to be built in Spanish dockyards; regretting that the screws must be constructed abroad. Surely this is unnecessary; remembering the effect of Spanish bonds, Spain has been especially eminent for her enormous screw power.

* * * * *

MARRIAGES AS WRITTEN IN THE POLICE COURT.

Considering the way in which your brute of a husband is in the habit of treating his wife, it would be as well, for the classicalities of low life, to alter the name of HYMEN into FLORA (_Floor-her_).

* * * * *

* * * * *

RURAL SELF-DENIAL CLUBS.

The laudable custom adopted by agricultural societies of rewarding labourers for living and rearing families upon ten shillings a week, might be carried further out. Mutual improvement associations should be established among the rustics, for the purpose of cultivating abstinence by means of emulation. Country gentlemen would formerly encourage eating-matches among the peasantry: the reverse of this gross practice should be adopted now: and clodhopper should be pitted against clodhopper to do the greatest amount of work on the smallest quantity of bread and water in a given time. The clowns should also be stimulated to compete on holidays, particularly at those of Christmas, when the weather especially affords the requisite conditions, by trying which can continue longest sitting in the cold without any fire, and which can dispense to the greatest extent with clothes and bedding. By these wholesome exercises they will be trained to contentment with the very smallest possible participation in the fruits of that earth which they cultivate, so as to leave the larger share to the gentry who subsist by their industry, to be expended in all manner of comfort, pleasure, splendour, and magnificence. Thus, as happiness is attainable in either of two ways--one consisting in the satisfaction, the other in the conquest of our desires--they would make themselves happy by the former method, and their labourers by the latter.

* * * * *

WINCHESTER SOUP.

Pantropheon!--What does SOYER mean by that? All-Nourisher--the Guide to Getting Fat-- But in that Book of Cookery, I'll be bound, There's one receipt, at least, that won't be found-- Debtor's _Consommé_:--Take a bit of beef, Or mutton to make rations for a thief. Then boil, remove the liquor from the pot, Neat, pure, and simple--serve it cold or hot. On such good fare doth Winchester regale The debtor rotting in her model jail.

* * * * *

THE HUNGARIAN DIET.

Hunger, they say, is the best sauce; and this may account perhaps for the reason why hungry people are generally so impertinent.

* * * * *

SINGING-BOYS MINUS SEVENPENCE AT ST. PAUL'S.

Parson Rook! Why Rook? What has Parson to do with Rook? a child might ask, puzzled by that nursery collocation of bird and clerical gentleman. Both black? Then why not Chimney Sweep Rook?--Undertaker Rook? The explanation is too superficial to satisfy even the infant mind.

Now, when we consider that the Dean and Canons of St. Paul's have, as we are credibly informed, stopped the sevenpence a week--the penny a day--heretofore from time immemorial allowed the little chorister children for pocket-money, we are induced to pursue some interesting inquiries:--

Who took away the poor boys' stipends? Who has taken their lollipops out of their mouths? Who robbed them of their penny tarts? Who keeps cathedral stalls and ruins apple-stalls?--may be enumerated as some of those questions which we are disposed to propound.

But we also revert to the child's interrogation--why Parson Rook?--and we find we can answer it in a highly satisfactory manner.

Be it premised, that the reason assigned for this mulct of the acolytes is that by the proceeds thereof the washing of their surplices may be paid for. They are to wear fine linen, but not to fare sumptuously every day: that mode of life is reserved for the port-vinous appropriators of their cake money. Vainly has the tax been taken off soap, seeing that the Dean and Chapter of St. Paul's are so ill off for it. But the article is an important one to close shavers. Therefore the choristers are docked of their allowance, and the loud-voiced anthem will blend with the secular strain, "_I've no Money_."

We now come to inquire what has happened to render the ecclesiastical corporation of St. Paul's unable any longer to stand soap. What has necessitated the demand for the sevenpences of the children to defray their surplice-washing?--whereof the ordinary cost would be fourpence by the tariff of our laundress.

This has happened: the relinquishment, on the part of that reverend society, of the twopences formerly taken at the doors of their church; which having been extorted from them by popular indignation, they now, we suppose, indemnify themselves by a sevenpenny confiscation at the expense of the little vocalists.

And thus we arrive at a perception of the connection between Parson and Rook; for these men are Parsons: and we discover that they possess an anatomical organ in common with that bird, and with other birds that consume the fruits of the earth. The existence of that organ is revealed by its symptoms of suffering. The Dean and Chapter of St. Paul's, in withdrawing the sevenpences, show that the loss of the twopences STICKS IN THEIR GIZZARDS.

* * * * *

THE POPE'S GAME.

England little suspected the game that the POPE has been playing. It turns out to be billiards.

His Holiness no doubt has his cue given him by one of the astutest Members of the College of Cardinals.

His aim, no doubt, is the old traditional one--to put the globe into his pocket.

* * * * *

GOOD OLD ENGLISH PASTIME.

The Elizabethan age delighted in bear-baiting; and it seems not improbable that the reign of VICTORIA will witness a similar amusement. A formidable Russian bear has broken loose in the Danubian Principalities, and a large number of British bulldogs have been already collected to worry him, unless he speedily retreats into his den.

* * * * *

A MISTAKEN MEASURE.

A Strike is generally supposed to be another name for a Bushel. It is, however, a Sack, which certain workmen are so infatuated as to give themselves.

* * * * *

* * * * *

THE LOVER'S FAREWELL TO PALE ALE.

Farewell, my bright, my brisk, my Pale, I cannot say, my Sweet, For thou art Bitter, oh, my Ale! With Hops--I trust--replete.

Henceforth thou art estranged from me; And dost thou ask me why? Thou wilt not suit my low degree, Since thou hast got so high.

It was not wise to raise thee so, 'Tis what thou wilt not bear: Better, hadst thou been brought more low, And made "not Pale but Fair."

Go, travel o'er the Ocean brine, To grace some Nabob's cup; Thy figure will not do for mine, So I must give thee up.

With chamomile the goblet fill, The cold infusion pour, I'll quaff the dose, the draught I'll swill, And sigh for thee no more!

* * * * *

LITERATURE AT LOW WATER MARK.

A book with the odd title of "_A History of the Fountains of Europe_" has recently appeared. The subject cannot possibly be a dry one, but (without wishing to throw cold water on the author) we are bound to say that we have no particular thirst for the knowledge he undertakes to impart. We fear that amid the fountains of Europe our own Metropolitan fountains must cut as sorry a figure in history as they do in Trafalgar Square. We feel some curiosity to know what an author can possibly say about the Charing Cross fountain, and whether he is satisfied with merely a glance at it--which is the case with every one who sees it--or whether he traces its biography from the cistern to the slop-basin, the cradle to the grave. The historian of the Fountains of Europe prefaces his work with an essay on raising the water, but we are inclined to think he would have a far more numerous body of readers if he could offer a few hints on the possibility of raising the wind.

* * * * *

SHAVING BY MACHINERY.

We have tried every kind of shave at every variety of price, from the shilling operation of the West End to that most frightful of tortures, "an easy shave for a halfpenny," in the New Cut, Lambeth. We have been shaved by a drunkard, under whose "effacing fingers" we have felt our beard bristling up with fear, "like quills upon the fretful porcupine," and we have been shaved by an aged individual with the palsy, who has made sudden darts at us with the razor, and ultimately triumphed over the difficulties that stared him in the face--that is to say, in our own face--with a "bloodless victory." We have been shaved by a woman in Scotland; by an apprentice in Shoreditch; by a sailor on board ship in a storm; by ourselves in the dark; by a schoolfellow, for fun; and by young beginners, for practice. In fact, we have shown a sort of reckless audacity in getting rid of our beard, that would have justified our enemies in saying that we have evinced a wondrous amount of bold-faced effrontery. But, notwithstanding all these perils which flesh is heir to, in having the hair removed from the flesh, we should be afraid to patronise, or give our countenance to, a certain new invention which is described in the following newspaper paragraph:--

"SHAVING BY MACHINERY.--MR. WILLIAM JOHNSON, of North Shields, Joiner, has invented a shaving machine. This machine is of singular construction, and contains every qualification necessary for the process. In appearance it is not unlike an old-fashioned arm-chair. But the most unique feature in the whole affair is the arrangement of the razor blades, which are fixed longitudinally on cylinders, from three to six inches in length, four on each cylinder, at an angle of 60 degrees, with fine camel-hair brushes between; for you are lathered and shaved at one and the same time, the lather being slipped from the interior of the cylinders, which are hollow. The machine is put in motion by the weight of the patient, the seat gradually giving way beneath, and sinking with him until he reaches the ground, when the operation is completed. The seat, rising immediately it is released from his weight, is ready to commence again without any preparation. A musical-box, of MR. JOHNSON'S construction, and capable of performing a great variety of airs, is appended to the machine, and can be attached or detached according to the pleasure of the person undergoing the operation, so that you may be shaved to any tune you please! Experiments (says the _Gateshead Observer_) have been tried and found satisfactory."--_Durham Advertiser._

We must confess, that, however ingenious this machine may be, we should feel very much in the same situation as the gentleman who was deposited in the barrel of spikes before we took our seat amidst the cylinders, with our face among a lot of razors, "four on each cylinder." As the cylinders are "fixed," there can be no allowance for an extra amount of cheek, an exuberance of lip, or protuberance of nose; but when the "patient"--as he is very properly called--is once in for the operation, he must take his chance as to the relative position of his features and the fixed razors, nor must he think of being "nice to a shaving." When the "patient" takes his seat off goes the machine, set in motion by his weight, and stoppage seems to be out of the question until "he reaches the ground, when the operation is completed." No wonder that the patient should sink under an operation of such very alarming gravity, by the law of which he comes to the floor with a degree of force commensurate to the weight of his own body. The seat, having released itself from its burden by shooting the "patient" on to the floor, is ready for another victim.

We should hardly like to be operated upon by a single razor with our chair trembling beneath us; but to find ourselves amidst a "forest of blades"--four on each cylinder--with our seat giving way under us, would be a position so frightful that it is one we hardly venture to contemplate.

A shabby attempt appears to have been made to gloss over the more alarming features of this infernal shaving machine, or guillotine, by setting it to music. We hope the airs played by the box spoken of are appropriate; and we should suggest the March in _Blue Beard_ as peculiarly fitted to a machine reminding one of beards and blood, of soap and scimitars.

* * * * *

NOT CHEAP, BUT EXTREMELY NASTY.

Considering the tremendous sums we pay every year for drainage of the metropolis, we must say that it is a luxury for the enjoyment of which we have, in every sense, but smelling most especially, to pay largely through the nose.

* * * * *

MEMORIAL TO BELLOT.

One noble heart the more hath Ocean stilled, A heart that throbbed with brave humanity And generous fortitude, which nothing chilled But the grim water of the frozen sea: Down to the deep, in doing well, went he.

No son of England--yet shall that be said, Such kindred with the Hero as we claim?-- For we all mourn a Brother in the Dead, Although from France he drew his birth and name; Honour to France, increased by BELLOT'S fame.

Shall that fame have no other monument Than pile of toppling ice-crags for a tomb, A frostwork chantry, where, through cleft and rent, The north wind sings his dirge, and sunless gloom The Northern Lights are cressets to illume?

He died for England--so did one who might Like him have perished, yet not so have died; And when his spirit wakened into light, NELSON, perhaps, was first that welcome cried, Remembering what like fate his youth defied.

But had the floe ingulfed that fearless boy Chasing the sea-bear on its faithless track; Our more than HECTOR--for he saved our Troy-- It then had been our heavy doom to lack: And Valour, unrenowned, had gone to wrack.

Not so with him in glorious fight who fell, For fellow-man, with elemental foes. They for their native land who die, die well; But better yet, more notably than those, Died he who sank amid the Arctic snows.

His country was his kind--in noblest strife, Whose victors only suffer--did he fall; Thus did this gallant Tar lay down his life: Rest his brave soul with such good sailors all, Beneath the flag of their HIGH ADMIRAL!

* * * * *

THE WAY OF TEMPERANCE.

"Education" (says the _Times_) "is the half-way house to Temperance." But, judging from the ignorant way in which many of our rabid advocates of Teetotalism act and talk, we should say it was a house that very few of them ever stopped at.

* * * * *

CENTRALIZATION.--The Commissioners of Sewers are decidedly in favour of this plan, for their drains are so admirably managed that every man's nose, merely by passing one, is immediately made the (s)_centre_ of it.

* * * * *

THE CLAIMS OF SCOTLAND.

_To_ HER MAIST GRACIOUS MAJESTY VICTORIA, _by descent frae the_ STUARTS, _o' North Britain, England and Ireland_, QUEEN, _Defender of the Presbyterian Faith, &c._

_The Humble Petition o' the Undersigned, Inhabitants o' the Principal Part o'_ HER MAJESTY'S _Dominions ca'd Scotland_.

HUMBLY SHEWETH,

That your Petitioners, leal subjecks o' Your MAJESTY, are muckle and sairly fasht and vexed wi' unco' grievances, o' whilk the maist considerable an' intolerable is the degradation, an' dislocation, an' deposition o' the Scottish Lion.

That forbye the wrang, an' scaith, an' indignity dune to the Scottish Lion, an' the ither indignities, an' scaiths, an' wrangs, whilk Your MAJESTY'S Petitioners hae set forth, an' enumerated, an' recited to Your MAJESTY'S Ministers, there are a wheen mair whilk they wad, wi' a' humility, skirl intill Your MAJESTY'S lug.

That, _imprimis_, an' in the first place, the mither tongue o' Great Britain, Your MAJESTY'S mither tongue, is erroneously, an' mistakenly, an' vernacularly, an' vulgarly misca'd the QUEEN'S English; whereas the English tongue is just a brogue, an' a corruption, an' a _patois_, an' a dialeck o' the Scotch. And, as Your MAJESTY kens, the hail biggin o' Your MAJESTY'S language was the wark o' LINDLEY MURRAY, o' wham the varra name, ilka gowk can tell, belangs to Scotland.

Your Petitioners, therefore, beseech Your MAJESTY that the language o' Scotland, an' the provinces thereuntill united under the sceptre o' Your MAJESTY, whilk has heretofore been, as aforesaid, misca'd Your MAJESTY'S English, may henceforth be rightly, an' truly, an' correckly denominate the QUEEN'S Scotch. An' furthermair, that Your MAJESTY will be graciously pleased to direck that the orthography an' etymology o' a' Britain be just adapted, an' accommodated, an' reconciled to Scottish institutions an' laws o' grammar; whilk dunna convene wi' thae o' England, let alane just Suntax an' Prosody.

Your MAJESTY'S Petitioners do also pray that Your MAIST GRACIOUS MAJESTY will be graciously pleased to command, an' decree, an' ordain that the term Anglo-Saxon race shall nae langer be applied to the population o' these Islands, mair especially not to emigrants from Great Britain to ither kintras, the maist o' wham are Scotch, that gang awa' and dinna come bock again. And that Your MAJESTY will, by virtue o' your Royal prerogative, settle and determine that the tribe an' race, until the noo entitled Anglo-Saxon, shall from this time forth be specified an' distinguished by the title o' Scoto-Saxon instead.

Likewise your Petitioners do entreat Your MAJESTY that the communications o' Your MAJESTY'S douce and honest liege subjecks shall nae mair be denoted by the appellation o' Plain English, but shall, wi' fit an' due regard to justice an' propriety o' diction, be designated as Braid Scotch.

Your Petitioners lastly humbly request Your MAJESTY that, gin Your MAJESTY shall be mindit to hae a decimal coinage, ye wad be sae gude as to order an' provide that there shall be ane braw bright glitterm bit chinkie amang the coppers to be ca'd a bawbee.

_And your Petitioners as in duty bound will ever bray, &c._

* * * * *

THE GOOSE CLUBS.

Our eyes are again edified by the announcement so familiar to us at this season--"A GOOSE CLUB HELD HERE." We really should like to have a set of the rules of one or more of these Clubs, for we are puzzled to think what amount of goosedom can be a qualification for membership. Surely the Peace Society people must be honorary members for life of every Goose-Club in the kingdom, if merit has its reward, and admittance to a Goose-Club is to be obtained by personal gooseishness, or a corresponding amount of quackery. We have heard that the manager of a certain highly patronised theatre has consulted his solicitor upon the advertisement of a Goose-Club near Oxford Street, with the view of ascertaining whether the word goose is meant to apply to himself in a libellous manner. The legal sage not being prepared, the Goose question is in abeyance.

* * * * *

REVIEWING.

The review of a young girl's life is frequently like any other review--a quantity of smoke, and noise, with here and there a red coat seen through it.

* * * * *

BAD NEWS FOR THE PEACE SOCIETY.

Although we have lost the Hero of a Hundred Fights we are promised a Sovereign of a thousand _mils_.

* * * * *

A PAPER WAR.--Some monarchs fight for gold; but the CZAR and the SULTAN are at war about notes.

* * * * *

LETTERS FROM THE BOSPHORUS.

MR. WILLIAM TAYLOR, _of Her Majesty's Bomb, the Thunder_, _to_ MRS. WILLIAM TAYLOR _of Wapping Wall_.

Vell, u see, Polly, ve wos a getting sicker and sicker of lyin' in Besicker Bay, wen ve got our sailin' horders, an cum here has fast has we could drive to help the Muzzlehims. And a rummer lot than them Muzzlehims, hi never set hies on. For has soon has hever we cum'd to a hanker, a feller called a Capstan Bashy, wich is all as one as our Port hadmiral, cums on bord to pay his respex to our capting. And, hinstead of sayin 'How air yer, old Boy?' or 'Tip us yer daddles my buck,' as a gentleman would, he makes a bob and stix his great beerd out, and he sez, sez he 'Sally may lick 'em.' Vell, in coorse you'll think he got mast-edded for his himperence, but no, he warn't, for our capting were perwented by resins of state, like the tiger has couldn't get his por thro the bars of his cage to curry the monkey's hide; so the captin honely looked sivvil and sez, quite cheerful like, 'Lick' em Sally' wich wos taint a mouse with tellin the Turk to lick 'em hisself. An then wun can't be hangry with the poor hignorant fellers as nose no better than to call their hone hemperor a Paddyshaw, when he haint a Hirishman, nor his name haint SHAW. And their primeer, who is wun WRETCHED PASHUR, they calls a Grand Wheezy, and all their chief hossifers they calls Agurs, so you see they've grate rume for himprovement in the names they gives peepul. Howsumever their hall werry hot for fitin just now, and goes about braggin theyr has brave has ROOSTUM, who was a grate cock of the walk in these parts formerly. Their reglar harmy they calls Nishan, wich I spose is the short for hammunishan, as I hear their werry strong in the hartillery line. But they puts most faith in a lot of hold women called High Ma'ams, which is their parsons, and a parcel of yung fellers called Softers, wich ansers to hour Hoxfora coves, and hever so many of these High Ma'ams and Softers air goin to jine the army, and fite for their profit, as they sez, from wich I conclude they gets good pay. And if theyr honely harf as plucky as our Chaplin, they may purtect the Golden Horne, as they calls this place, werry well. But has for us, our fear is that if they thrashes the Rooshans, the Rooshans wont come here, an then _we_ shant get no fitin. Howsumdever we kepes up our spirits, and opes for the best, so no more at present from your luvin husband,

"B. TAYLOR."

* * * * *

FORTUNE-TELLERS FOR NATIONS.

What the _Edinburgh Review_--in a highly superior article on "Church Parties"--calls the "Prophetic Press," is now in a state of violent eruption. The volcano in labour, however, brings forth only the bottle of smoke. You can hardly take up your morning paper without being invited, in the advertising columns, by some half-dozen several expositors, to take so many new walks into futurity. The Overthrow of the Papacy, the Destruction of the Ottoman Empire, the Battle of Armageddon, the Millennium, demand your attention together with the last novel, and SOYER'S Pantropheon, and the Propriety of Legalising Marriage with a Wife's Sister. It is a remarkable circumstance that the gentlemen who announce these awful things, so calculated to wean the soul from all earthly solicitudes, do not omit to affix prices to their productions. Like common Gipsies, these reverend Romany require their hands to be crossed with silver. This shows that whilst they direct the attention of others to future certainties, they give no small share of their own to the main chance. On that account we hesitate to compare them to MOTHER SHIPTON, who was an old woman, or to NIXON, who was an idiot. Otherwise we should regard them as common asses, pretending to rank with the ass of BALAAM.

French, Italian, German, without a Master, are studies not very generally successful; and the language of prophecy must be rather more difficult, independently of proper direction. Those who are inclined to entertain the idea that MR. STIGGINS and MR. CHADBAND are illuminated expositors of DANIEL and the Apocalypse had better pay a visit to MR. WYLD'S Great Globe, to acquire, if possible, some enlargement of the views of the world and the destinies of the human race. The patrons of the "Prophetic Press" will find it best to await that explanation of prophecy which is afforded by its fulfilment; but they will have to wait a long time for any such thing in reference to the commentaries of CHADBAND and STIGGINS.

To infer the future from the past, however, is to prophesy with some security. At all crises of the world's history have CHADBANDS and STIGGINSES applied their prophetic wisdom to the question of the day. At all those times they have made money--and mistakes. On all similar occasions in future will they, in precisely the same manner, succeed, and--fail.

* * * * *

DOLOURS OF ST. DUNSTAN'S IN THE WEST.

Ye citizens of London, who some filial pity feel For all her noble monuments, give ear to our appeal: Leave meaner things, the strife of kings, of SULTAN and of CZAR, And think of perils nearer home--the fate of Temple Bar.

Mad lev'llers shake their axes o'er our venerable gate-- The City's porch, where monarchs proud are told that they must wait: To make more space for dingy dray, for omnibus and car, The revolutionary cry is "Down with Temple Bar!"

Utilitarians, stern and cold, who argue, like the goose, That ev'ry thing is useless which is not of any use, Bethink you what our plight will be in times of civil jar:-- Where shall we stick our rebels' heads if we've no Temple Bar?

And if our relics, one by one, are thus to disappear, What shall we have but narrow lanes to tempt a visit here? How blank and pale will be their cheek, when pilgrims from afar Shall pace Fleet Street, with pious feet, and see no Temple Bar!

The doom of Smithfield market's sealed;--gone is its ancient fair; And soon the pomp of LORD MAYOR's show may vanish into air; Blackfriar's Bridge, pure Puddle Dock, the Monument, and, ah! Ev'n GOG and MAGOG are not safe--then save poor Temple Bar.

* * * * *

A PEACEFUL SOLICITOR.

A Guildford and guileless solicitor "and a Member of the Peace Society," denounces all war as un-Christian. War at _no_ price! He says, the soldier disobeys the law of Christianity by killing a man. How about the attorney? Does he obey the Christian law by helping to lock a man up? As Christians, should we not be of charity and forgiveness all compact? Does the solicitor make out his bill of costs according to the behest of the Prince of Peace? Would our solicitor act in a cause of action for unprovoked and brutal assault? Hardly, if he denounces "the soldier's bloody calling" on every occasion. What is war but an action?--NICHOLAS _v._ ABDUL-MEDJID. The Cossack attacks the Turk, and the Turk, whipping out his scimetar, shaves off the Cossack's head. What is this but an action--the Cossack, for the first assault, paying righteous costs?

Now, if the enemy were to march to Guildford, would "A Solicitor and a Member of the Peace Society" open his door to the intruders, saying--"Enter ye, who are heavy laden with ball-cartridge?"

Does our Solicitor give advice gratis against going to law; even as benevolent doctors give advice against disease?

* * * * *

MUSIC, MALT, AND HOPS.

Messrs. Bass and Co., the teetotallers will be glad to hear, have published a circular in the name of the Burton Pale Ale Brewers, announcing the intention of raising the price of their beer by 6_s_. per cask. This concert among the Brewers, with a Bass for leader, exhibits some novelties in harmony. The Bass rises instead of descending in the scale of price, and by thus increasing in height, will, strange to say, reach up to Double Bass. One more step will raise it to Treble Bass; but that will be a contradiction in terms, and absolutely ridiculous.

* * * * *

A Soporific.--Why is the practice of praising children like opium?--Because it's Laudanum.

* * * * *

* * * * *

DR. CANTWELL'S INCOME-TAX MADE EASY.

DR. CANTWELL--by appointment of the POPE, LORD BISHOP OF MEATH--has written a letter to MR. POLLARD URQUHART, M.P., to inquire how far he, the said DR. CANTWELL, is liable to the Income-Tax, inasmuch as he appears to be prohibited, by the Ecclesiastical Titles' Act, from returning himself under Schedule D as the recipient of any income by the title of BISHOP OF MEATH. MR. URQUHART, who seems to be the MAWWORM to the CANTWELL, answers, that he is rejoiced at any incident that has tended to make more manifest the absurdity of the Ecclesiastical Titles' Act; but that he is "unable to propound any solution of the difficulty, and, indeed, thinks it would require a very wise man to do so." In that opinion he may be correct; nevertheless the problem is very obviously soluble to _Punch_.

All that DR. CANTWELL--who declares himself "unwilling even to appear to resist any law, however unjust and oppressive"--all that titular BISHOP CANTWELL has to do--is simply to return himself as being in the receipt of an income in this country derived from an office which he holds under a foreign power. What may be the denomination of that office he need not state, unless he would wish to contribute to HER MAJESTY'S Exchequer the fine of a hundred pounds, in addition to the lesser penalty of sevenpence in the pound.

It is not everybody that _Punch_ would take the trouble of teaching how to place himself under Schedule D; but really DR. CANTWELL appears so very anxious to pay his Income-Tax conscientiously, that _Mr. Punch_ cannot deny himself the pleasure of assisting the right reverend gentleman in the discharge of that agreeable duty.

* * * * *

SYNONYMOUS SLANG.

The opinions of a certain eminent member of the Peace Society respecting the British Lion are calculated to render the phrase "Honour Bright," equivalent in popular estimation to "Hookey Walker."

* * * * *

THE DYE OF GUILT.

The Kentucky Legislature have resolved--

"That the keeper of the Penitentiary shall procure a suitable chymical dye, such as will stain the skin perfectly black, so that it cannot be removed, until time shall wear it away, and Nature furnish a new cuticle or surface."

When the dye is obtained, the nose of each male convict is to be painted thoroughly black; the paint to be renewed until about to be restored to the world, when the convict shall be restored to society with a clean nose. We hardly perceive the moral and social use of this nose-dyeing; it may also be difficult to obtain the dye of sufficient blackness. In which case _Punch_ advises Kentucky to apply to MRS. STOWE for the use of her ink-bottle: for that lady has dyed not only the noses, but the whole faces of the LEGREES with such well-merited blackness, that Nature must find them not only new skins, but new hearts, ere they can show even tolerably white again.

* * * * *

AN ARMY OF RESERVE.

The foreign correspondent of the _Times_ announces that the Porte has issued an address, "calling on those troops whose courage may fail them to avow the fact without hesitation, so that they may be employed at a distance from the scene of combat." For our own parts, having more of the civil than the military in our composition, we should expect the invitation to be rather generally responded to, as the scenery of a combat is of that kind with reference to which "distance lends enchantment to the view." If the majority of the troops of the Porte should make a "candid avowal" of their desire to remain at a respectful distance from the scene of action, the whole affair might become "void for remoteness"--as the lawyers expressively have it.

* * * * *

AN ARCH IMPOSTOR.--Temple Bar.

* * * * *

* * * * *

THE PRIDE OF ENGLAND.

(_A slight liberty taken with the "Bride of Abydos"._)

Know ye the Inn where the laurel and myrtle Well emblem the green who are done 'neath its sign? Where they serve you on plate which is mock as their turtle, Now fleecing the tourist, now maddening the _Times_? Know ye the shams of that ill-managed house, Where the host ever bows, and the bills ever chouse; Where the "wax-lights" that don't half illumine your room Give a muttonish rather than waxy perfume; Where, although you don't see half a waiter all day, For "attendance" as much as a lawyer's you pay, And find even then there's an extra for "Boots:" Nor the porters in asking for liquids are mutes; Where your "bottle of Sherry" (Cape, under disguise,) Scarce equals the vinegar-cruet in size, And analysation completely defies; Where the sofas are soft as yourself if you dine At eight shillings a head--perchance even nine, With the heaviest price for the lightest of wine?-- 'Tis the English Hotel: and 'tis twenty to one That, where'er you may enter it, brown you'll be done. For more than e'en _Punch_ in a volume could tell, Are the shams they serve there, and the victims they sell.

* * * * *

OUR TOURIST IN PARIS.--No. 10

If there is a point upon which an Englishman can dwell with pride, it is the high character of the English press. He will never be more impressed with this than when he turns over the French journals and examines the matter of which they are made up. A little foreign politics, Paris scandal, theatrical criticism, and a chapter of a vile novel. Fancy taking up the _Times_ and finding, instead of three solid leading articles, a portion of _Jack Sheppard_, or _The Mysteries of the Court of St. James_, the debates cut down to an analysis, and no home or foreign correspondence! The change would hardly be made agreeable to him by the fact that the milk-and-water or poisonous contributions that did appear were guaranteed by the name of the author of each, and that its only polemics were waxed by some individual SMITH _eo nomine_, against some individual BROWN of another paper. Yet this prosecution against libel is recommended by a public person (I was nearly saying a statesman), who is "by way of being" a patriot, but wants to have a monopoly of influence and vituperation in his own hands. However, it is happily not of the least consequence what that disinterested politician wants, for he certainly will not get it, as we cannot afford to part with our Fourth Estate just yet, and suspect the motives of any one who advises us to do so.

The Tourist makes these reflections with a little bitterness as he sits in a _café_ waiting for breakfast. A beautiful lady, with a ravishing little cap on the back of her head, is sitting at the receipt of custom. Two or three smart waiters with long clean aprons are bustling about in attendance on an elderly benevolent looking gentleman, with an impediment in his French, who has ultimately succeeded in ordering a _chop de mutton_ and _une bottel de Stout de Dublin_, solacing himself meanwhile with _Galignani's Messenger_. Through a door is seen another saloon, where bearded men are drinking _eau sucré_ and _liqueurs_.

The sage waiting for his chocolate turns again to the journals, and gratifies himself by picking out the places where THÉOPHILE or ALPHONSE or EUGÈNE pitches into the English. What a useful thing it is to see ourselves as others see us! We find out so much that we were ignorant of. Your Tourist candidly confesses that he had no notion of the wickedness and absurdity of his countrymen, or even of their manners and customs, or the very localities of the country, until he read them, detailed, in the pleasing pages of French feuilletonists. Until he read M. MÉRY'S English sketches, he was ignorant, and he boldly affirms that many others are ignorant too, of such common facts as that English gentlemen hire post-captains in the Royal Navy to sail their yachts; that Greenwich hospital is a retreat for old soldiers; and that the late DUKE OF WELLINGTON, when COLONEL WELLESLEY, was Governor-General of India. He has selected one _feuilleton_, entitled "SIR JOHN BULL _à Paris_," for its masterly exposure of British foibles. It will be sent to you, translated by his little brother at DR. SWISHAM'S, Turnhambrown, who has made great progress in French, and is sure to do it justice. DR. S. says the boy's English is remarkably pure and idiomatic. The author is the well-known HIPPOLYTE CANARD, whose _bon mots_ are so successful, and who wrote the noble apology for the massacres of February, which gave such umbrage to the present despicable Government.

"I walk myself on the Boulevart. All the world regards me in smiling. And for what? It is true that I have the insular air, at one time respectable and ferocious. I carry the long _redingote_, the scarlet waistcoat, the pantaloon of nankeen, and the umbrella, peculiar to the sons of Albion. JOHN, my jockey, follows me clad in the traditional costume which recalls the courses of Derby and Newmarket. With one hand he holds '_the Times_,' this journal so powerful with which the 'gentlemens' voyage everywhere. With the other he retains my _bouledog_, charming little beast, who testifies a lively desire to eat the calves of the passengers. By what it seems, he recognises his hereditary enemies.

"A sun of spring gilds with his young rays the boughs of the noble trees that like a scarf of green velvet border this so delicious promenade. These good Parisians, veritable children of light and heat, sit at tables outside the Coffee of Paris and the Coffee of the Cardinal, and, refreshed by floods of sugar-and-water, play the national game of dominoes. Cigars, fabricated of a tobacco denied to our sterile soil, regale the nostrils with their astonishing perfume. Young and beautiful ladies, dressed with an extreme elegance, attract upon themselves admiring regards. Crowds of nurses lead children with heads of angel, and hear all in blushing the compliments of soldiers in a red pantaloon. In effect there is not but the braves who merit the belles.

"All respires gaiety, and however I feel my heart moved by a profound sadness. Rhum and gin drunk at long draughts in the English manner fail of their effect and inspire me with but a lugubrious gaiety. I am exiled from all I love. I remember my youth spent among the solitary thickets of Brompton and of Bethnal, and the savage mountains of Middlesex. I miss the sport, the box, the chase with guns, the combats of dogs and cocks. I long for my native land, its porter-beer, its rosbif, its eternal mists, and its polismens. I have gained the spleen.

"Fatal and mysterious malady, which on the banks of the Thames produces effects so desolating! It is to thee that we owe those numerous suicides of which the frightful details encumber our journals, a veritable black page in the history of England. I hear on all sides a confused mixture of strange voices, and the bizarre accents of the French tongue. It is an affair of Babel. I am struck with a vertigo.

"When JULES DE PRÉMARAY, writer of the first force, visited Albion, he was oppressed by a similar melancholy. He sighed for something of French, a word even. Suddenly an ass began to bray, '_A la bonne heure_,' exclaimed he with joy, '_en voilà un qui parle Français_.' He knew his brother and was glad. It is not long before I receive an equal consolation.

"I meet LORD JONES, who comes from selling Miladi according to the usage a little severe of the English _noblesse_, and has the air of being pleased to find himself again a boy. With him is his son SIR JONES, simple baronet, who has completed his studies at the ancient college of Cambridge. I know them amidst the crowd by their stiffness, their whiskers, their enormous white cravats, their hats with narrow borders, reposed on the backs of their heads. It must be confessed our compatriots have not the elegant _tournure_ and mien full of distinction carried by the grand nation.

As I make my compliments to Milord, a movement of the crowd denotes something of interest. We advance, followed always by the faithful JOHN. I see a sight which recalls the innocent games of my country. Two cocks combatted with indomitable fury. Their eyes sparkled like ardent coals. They leaped by force of wings and tore themselves with beak and claw. It was a spectacle to make fear, a strife to death! At length one fell. The other, victor but bleeding, mounted on the corpse and chaunted his hymn of triumph. My eyes wet themselves with tears.

"Wagram, Marengo, Austerlitz," said, with _brusquerie_, a soldier who observed my emotion.

"'Waterloo,' I proudly answered.

"'BLUCHER, SIR LOWE,' rejoined he, with dignity.

"I bite my lips."

* * * * *

ADIEU, THOU DREARY PILES!

Every one admits that Westminster Bridge is tumbling to pieces, and yet, strange to say, the evil report of the structure is scarcely to be credited, for there is the weakest possible foundation to go upon.

* * * * *

WOMEN'S RIGHTS--MEN'S NOSES.

The female members, advocating Women's Rights in New York, have had a terrific engagement with LLOYD GARRISON and others on the subject of Christianity. Peace, love, and humility dissolved "in a grand row." The ladies could not convince LLOYD GARRISON; and so one of their male champions pulled his nose! This is truly the _argumentum ad hominem_. A man's skull may be so dense that not even female arguments piercingly delivered may penetrate to his brain; but if arguments be too subtle, there is still the convincing thumb and finger. Missing a man's conviction, the next noblest appeal to his reason is, unquestionably, to pull his nose! We hear that a pair of silver gauntlets have been presented by the Christian ladies to their champion who pulled the nose of the stout GARRISON. Indeed, he pulled it so vigorously, it was at first thought he had quite carried it.

* * * * *

BURGLARY AND BRONCHITIS PREVENTED.

According to the ingenious MR. JEFFREYS, nobody should be without a respirator in his hand to clap on his own mouth by way of extinguisher to an incipient cough, or to pop on any unfortunate child who exhibits a tendency to choke. The respirator seems to be of two kinds; the one simply oral, which is calculated to check equally the wheeze of asthma or the whistle of age, and the other, ori-nasal, adapted to nose and mouth, so as to make it impossible either to sneeze or to snore.

According to the assertion of the inventor the Respirator is, in fact, a warm climate for five and sixpence; a portable Madeira that may be always put to the mouth like an inexhaustible bottle, at the mere price of the wine. Many gentlemen and ladies seem to have been starting for warmer latitudes--one individual seems to have been on the top of the 'bus bound, _viá_ Paddington, for Barbadoes, when, somebody having recommended him a Respirator, he descended from the knife-board of a City Atlas, rushed into a shop, where he laid out a few shillings, and became the fortunate possessor of a warm climate, to be put on or taken off _ad libitum_.

But perhaps the most valuable feature of the Respirator has been hitherto overlooked, for it is as a defence against Burglary rather than Bronchitis, that it will obtain the highest renown. Let any family go to bed wearing Respirators, and we defy the boldest burglar to execute his purpose if the family should be disturbed. JACK SHEPPARD himself, or any other romantic ruffian, would start back with terror at the aspect of a household armed all in Respirators, and presenting such a picture as one of our artists has supplied. Or suppose the midnight marauder to have made his way into the bed-room of a pair of parents lying with an infant between them, the entire domestic trio wearing the frightful appendage invented by MR. JEFFREYS, we are convinced that the panic-stricken miscreant would shrink out of the "Chamber of Horrors," and proceed to give himself up to justice at the nearest Police Station. We are convinced that a Respirator would be as effectual in frightening away burglars as a blunderbuss, or, rather, as an air-gun, to which, from its effect on the breathing, the instrument may be aptly compared.

* * * * *

THE FAST MEN OF EDINBURGH.

LORD PALMERSTON--through his secretary--has administered a very wholesome rebuke to certain of the Presbytery of Edinburgh yearning, hungering for a fast, to stay the scourge of the Cholera. His Lordship suggests instead of fasting, washing. Eat your daily bread, says his Lordship, only take plenty of soap with it. Attend to your own dinner-table, as usual, only see that those places--

"Which are inhabited by the poorest classes, and which, from the nature of things, must most need purification and improvement, may be freed from those causes and sources of contagion which, if allowed to remain, will infallibly breed pestilence, and be fruitful in death, in spite of all the prayers and fastings of a united but inactive nation. When man has done his utmost for his own safety, then is the time to invoke the blessing of Heaven to give effect to his exertions."

Surely, this is very true. Prayers, however, earnest, will not sweeten a common sewer. Folks who fast for a long day will hardly do as much to remove the causes of Cholera, as even folks with brooms. An empty belly is scarcely so efficacious for the removal of disease as a clean Wynd. Whitewashed walls are surely quite as good, if not better, than lank jaws, pale with mortification. All Edinburgh wants a sweet clean shirt next a clean skin--not a shirt of penitential bristles, clothing (with hairy piety) a dirty hide. First do your best--says PALMERSTON--and then ask a blessing on it. For the days of miracles are over. The deadly reek of sewers is not to be turned into airs from Heaven, though the most pious MALACHI MALAGROWTHER shall, for a long day and night, go without his porridge for it!

When you have worked, then it is good to ask a blessing on the labour. But hands first--and then, knees.

* * * * *

A LOST LETTER.

An advertisement has appeared in the _Times_, headed "Wanted, Left off Clothing!" and directing the possessors of such articles to apply to "MR. 'AKED." Looking to the character of the want expressed, one would imagine that by some typographical error the initial letter of the gentleman's name had been omitted.

* * * * *

AN UNERRING BILLIARD PLAYER.

How can the POPE get anybody to play billiards with him, unless he gets a Protestant, or a heathen? Who else would expect to have any chance with Infallibility?

* * * * *

RATHER TOO NICE.

A strict business man of our acquaintance is so extremely particular in all his transactions, that since the new Act came in force, he never has been known to pay a compliment, without insisting upon taking a stamped receipt.

* * * * *

THE GOD HYMEN TO THE DEMI-GOD _PUNCH_.

"_Saffron Hill, Olympus. Prid. Id. Oct._

Well beloved, joyful am I to see you Britons--_penitus toto divisos orbe Britannos_, as a friend near me says--returning or relapsing into Paganism. So my altar, 'the altar of HYMEN,' is at last erected in your places of worship, is it? I had doubted whether the news could be true; but I now read the statement so repeatedly in the _Morning Herald_, who asserts herself to be the only exponent of religion (and Irish grammar), that I doubt no longer The 'Hymeneal ceremony' is constantly performed by your priests--so I read. OLYMPUS rejoices--we all rejoice. My father, APOLLO, has composed a capital song in honour of your conversion; and my respected mother, URANIA, is making a new star, which will be hung out in a few nights in commemoration of the same. But, Well-beloved, there is a good saying by PERIANDER of Corinth, '_Prius intellige, et deinde ad opus accede._' The 'Hymeneal Ceremonies' ought to be performed accurately and properly, if at all, or JUNO (between ourselves, a stuck-up party) will show little favour to the nuptials. Instruct your priests and officials, Well-beloved, and let us gods shortly read in the _Morning Herald_, that you are not content with foolishly applying Pagan phrases to Christian facts, but that you are consistent. Something like the following, eh?

"_S. dicit_,

"Yours very faithfully, HYMEN."

* * * * *

MARRIAGE RITES IN HIGH LIFE.

(_From the Morning Herald._)

The long talked of espousals of LORD JULIUS FITZMARLINGSPIKE and the lovely and accomplished ROSA AUGUSTA, youngest daughter of his Grace the DUKE OF BOPPS, have at length come off. Some delay was occasioned by the gentlemen of the long robe, but the _Sponsalia_ having been finally perused and settled by the eminent barrister CHRYSOSTOM SILVERTONGUE, Q.C., were engrossed on the _Legitimæ Tabellæ_, and were sealed on WODEN'S day last. LORD JULIUS took the opportunity of presenting his betrothed with a splendid _Annulus Pronubus_ of diamonds alternating with emeralds, expressly manufactured by the talented jewellers, RUNT and HOSKELL. There was a difficulty in fixing the marriage day, there being so many unlucky days, and _Atri_, in this month's kalendar, and _Salii_ and the _Parentalia_ festivals approaching. But yesterday having been selected, the lovely bride was dressed in a long white robe bordered with purple fringe, or embroidered ribbons (we could hardly say which), bound with a girdle of wool, and tied, of course, with the time-honoured _Nodus Herculeus_. Her face was covered with a flame-coloured veil, denoting modesty, and her beautiful hair having been divided into six locks with the point of a spear (kindly lent from the New Zealand Museum), was crowned with flowers supplied from a well-known _bouquetière_ in Covent Garden. Her shoes were of the same colour as her veil. The auspices had been duly consulted, and a very fine hog having been sacrificed to JUNO (the animal was supplied from the long-established styes of MESSRS. CHITTERLINGS AND CO.), the omens from its inside were pronounced very favourable. We must not omit to record a _bon mot_ of the bride, which shows that she possesses all the wit for which her _spirituel_ family has been so long celebrated. On the question at the espousals being put to her, "_An spondes?_" she instantly replied, with an arch smile, "_Spondeo, sed nomen meum non est_ ANNE." The marriage ceremony was performed at the house of the DUKE OF BOPPS, but in the evening the bride was conducted to her husband's _domus_. Three boys, whose parents were alive, attended her, two holding her by the arms, and one flourishing a link, which we regret was made the subject of ribald remark by the other boys in the street. The maid-servants followed with distaff, spindle, and wool, and a boy from the Lowther Arcade bore the playthings--the _crepundia_--for the family with which it is to be hoped ROSA will be blessed. The boys let off more than usually good _sales et couvicia_, which is accounted for by _Mr. Punch_ having kindly undertaken to supply the jokes for the day. On arriving in Park Lane, the house of LORD FITZMARLINGSPIKE was found tastefully adorned with leaves and flowers, and the rooms with tapestry. ROSA, being asked by LORD JULIUS who she was, replied, in a firm voice, "_Ubi tu_ CAIUS, _ibi ego_ CAIA," and immediately bound the door-posts with woollen fillets, supplied by MADAME CRINOLINE, of Bond Street. She was lifted over the threshold, touched fire and water--a wax lucifer and some _Eau de Cologne_ doing the symbolic duty--the nuptial song, written by M. CATNACH, and composed by M. COSTA, was sung; LORD JULIUS scattered nuts (best Barcelona, from SHADRACK'S) among the boys; and then several matrons, who had been married but once (the HON. MRS. JONES, the HON. MRS. BROWN, and the HON. MRS. ROBINSON), singing all the way, conducted the happy bride to the nuptial bower, which was erected in the hall, and covered with flowers. Young women sang outside the house until midnight, when they were ordered off by the Police. The second entertainment, the _Nepotia_, will be given this day. We should add that the ceremony was impressively performed by the HON. and REV. PONTIFEX MAXIMUS, assisted by the HARUSPEX BOBBUS MONTGOMERIENSIS.

* * * * *

PLAYHOUSE PEGS.

The _Morning Post_, by a Correspondent, begs to call the earnest attention of an emotional public to the use and abuse of a wooden peg at the Princess's Theatre, "for the accommodation of a lady's bonnet." That bonnets are the source of a multitude of evils is a truth that every married man will not, for a moment, hesitate to avouch; however HENRY or AUGUSTUS--not yet married--may hypocritically venture to dispute. Now a bonnet at the Princess's Theatre--according to the _Post_ correspondent--carries with it a peculiar worth: namely, price sixpence. On the 25th instant at half-past 9, the dress-circle of the Princess's "less than half-full," a lady was required to give up her bonnet. Well and good. That bonnet was hung upon a peg. As bonnets are now worn, a bonnet, for that matter, might be hung upon nothing. When the bonnet was reclaimed, the complaining gentleman proffered 4_d._, which was "indignantly rejected. Nothing less than sixpence could be taken;" which being given, the gentleman remarks commercially "that 6_d._ per evening is too heavy a rate to exact for the use of a peg."

By no means. At least, not at the Princess's Theatre: there, the whole management is a management of pegs. What is poor BYRON made of, but a peg--a mere peg--whereon to hang the fine clothes of a _Sardanapalus_? Plays, as mere plays, are not to be thought of; but pegs--pegs that will hold any number of fine suits, any weight of canvas. In fact, the peg is the play.

To return to the bonnet peg, it may be advisable for good housewives--visiting the Princess's--to follow the advice of MISS MARTINEAU to travellers. She says: Fail not to take a few gimblets; they serve on board ship admirably for pegs. Perhaps the manager of the Princess's will make it known in future bills whether ladies with bonnets visiting his theatre may be permitted to bring their own gimblets.

* * * * *

A DEVOURING FLAME.

Three removes, it is said, are as bad as a fire; but a fire is not so bad as an extravagant woman, by many removes. The one simply burns you out of house, but the other, if she is your wife, burns you out of both house and home; and then again, you may put out the former, but, as long as you have a place to live in, you have no chance of putting out the latter.

* * * * *

AWFUL CALAMITY IN BASS'S BREWERY.

Last week ten thousand barrels of ale--(just advanced 6 _s._ per barrel)--in BASS'S brewery were turned sour by the thunder of--the _Times_.

* * * * *

SCANDAL-MONGERS should take timely warning from the Chinese Rebellion, before the same law is enforced in England as in China; the summary punishment being instantly inflicted on every person who is convicted of being a _tale-bearer_.

* * * * *

A SOVEREIGN REMEDY (_for Bankrupts and Insolvents_).--Paying twenty shillings in the Pound.

* * * * *

* * * * *

EVERY CONVICT HIS OWN CHESTERFIELD.

MR. JOHN MITCHEL--by the astute and graceful manner with which he resigned his "comparative liberty," revoking his "parole of honour"--displayed a politeness that would have charmed LORD CHESTERFIELD, and a casuistry that would have ravished IGNATIUS LOYOLA. Determined upon escaping from bondage--(for which we say the smallest blame to him)--he nevertheless resolved to escape like a gentleman. He would resign his "comparative liberty" gracefully, as a bride resigns her hand--he would revoke his parole smilingly, as a high-bred cardplayer would revoke at whist. He enters the police-office--walks into the magistrate's room--gives him a bit of paper. "What's this?" asks the magistrate. "That's to signify," says JOHN MITCHEL, "that you may chain me--lock me up." "May I, indeed!" cried the magistrate. "You may," answers the magnanimous patriot; who, disdaining to take the least advantage, bolts from the court, jumps on a horse ready saddled for the work, and gallops his hardest.

We have heard of splitting a hair; but never before was word of man--parole of honour--broken with such nicety. The flaw is so delicate, it is hard to say where it begins or ends. In future, perhaps, when an Irish convict gentleman waits upon an Australian magistrate, to surrender, on paper, his "comparative liberty," the magistrate, before perusing the document, will take the precaution of shutting the office-door.

* * * * *

THE MILKY WAY IN LANCASHIRE.

Many of the farmers about Preston are giving their cows apples, in consequence of that fruit being more plentiful, and so much cheaper, than potatoes. We wonder whether this difference of diet produces any difference in the milking; and whether a cow, so fed, instead of yielding so many pints of milk, gives now so many bottles of cider; or whether it was a combination of both--a sort of milk-cider? In the cause of temperance, we pause for a reply.

* * * * *

CALEDONIAN FIDDLE-DE-DEE.--The irritation of the Scotch agitators may be only skin-deep, but the disorder nevertheless may prove contagious.

* * * * *

PAYING CULPRITS THROUGH THE NOSE.

We see that old Kentucky is going ahead in the practice of humanity towards an unfortunate and degraded class of beings. Witness the _New York Journal of Commerce_, which contains the subjoined paragraph:--

"MARKING CONVICTS.--A resolution has been introduced into the Kentucky Legislature, which provides 'that the keeper of the Penitentiary shall procure a suitable chymical dye, such as shall stain the cuticle or outer surface of the skin perfectly black, so that it cannot be washed off, or in any way removed until time shall wear it away, and Nature furnish a new cuticle or surface; and that with this dye he shall have the nose of each male convict painted thoroughly black, and renew the application as often as it may be necessary to keep it so until within one month of the expiration of his sentence, when it shall be discontinued for the purpose of permitting Nature to restore the feature to its original hue preparatory to the second advent of its owner into the world.'"

It has long been the reproach of America that she has one law for the blacks, and another for the whites. This is in one sense the case in Kentucky; but there the advantage is on the side of the blacks. It is quite obvious that the project for staining the noses of malefactors black would not be feasible in the case of negroes: at least, in that case, it would be a scheme analogous to that of gilding refined gold, if not of painting the lily. That equal justice might lay hold of the nigger's nose, it would be necessary to resort to a converse expedient, and colour the African proboscis white. But for this purpose nothing could be used but a mere pigment; for Chemistry does not supply any substance which would have the effect of bleaching, even temporarily, the blackamoor's skin. If that science could afford such a cosmetic, it would emancipate several millions of persons in America, who are deprived of their liberty and their rights as men for no other crime than their complexion, but who might obtain their freedom as easily as insolvent debtors if they could only manage to procure some sort of wash by which they might be whitewashed.

* * * * *

A THEATRICAL TITLES' BILL WANTED.

We have had an Ecclesiastical Titles' Bill to prevent things from being called by any but their right names; and we are now about to suggest the passing of a Theatrical Titles' Bill, with the view of putting a stop to an assumption of certain high-sounding styles and dignities in the dramatic world, which are becoming offensive to the common sense of our countrymen. "His Eminence," as applied to CARDINAL WISEMAN, may be ridiculous enough, but it is even still more absurd, when usurped as it is, by a number of so-called "eminent" tragedians. There is scarcely a theatrical hole or corner in London that does not advertise its possession of the services of some "eminent" individual, whose "mummeries" are quite as objectionable as those complained of in the Popish priesthood. We suspect, however, that some of the objectionable titles are conferred on the parties without their own consent; and we feel convinced that our honest friend, MR. JOHN COOPER--the comic representative of _Henry the Eighth_, and the original _Bumps_ in _Turning the Tables_--can never have given his adhesion to the bigotry and superstition of Exeter Hall, whose concert conductors have advertised him as the "eminent tragedian."

* * * * *

HUNTING FIXTURES.

BARON ROTHSCHILD'S Hounds will meet on the Banks of the Danube.

* * * * *

CRUEL TREATMENT OF THE POOR AND LOWLY.

Although we are aware that the contemplated evil will be perpetrated too late for the interference of _Punch_: nevertheless, for the sake of future coachmen and footmen of future Lord Mayors, we must indignantly protest against the cruelty exercised by LORD MAYOR SIDNEY on his hapless vassals! Will it be believed that--with the City corporation in _articulo mortis_--the Lord Mayor's coachman and footmen are for the first time to be "in rich Genoa velvet!" The colour a beautiful gunpowder green, "with a scarlet bordering of the same material!" There are moreover to be "hundreds of yards of gold lace," the pattern continuous sprigs of the tea-plant! "Gorgeous aiguillettes of unusual length" (according to the ears of the corporation) "terminating with rich bullion balls;" an improvement that might have been reserved for any future Lord Pawnbroker. "In addition to the rich bullion wings on the shoulders"--the left arm will bear the family crest. Only think of JEAMES with wings! How beautifully does the notion illustrate MILTON!--

"So dear to Heav'n is humble May'ralty, That when a SIDNEY'S found sincerely so A thousand liveried angels lacquey him!"

Besides the wings, the gorgeous creatures will carry SIDNEY'S arms and crest, "a porcupine with six mullions!" The porcupine has quills of real gold--no other quills being used in the SIDNEY ledger. In addition to this, the hats of coachman and footmen will be constructed in the form of magnificent tea-pots; made of solid silver, thickly gilt.

All this is very splendid; but what is to become of the poor men, their year of glory out? Two of the footmen--after only trying on their wings--gave signs of incipient insanity; declaring they "felt themselves all over cherubims and no mistake." If, in November, 1854, three of these winged flunkies be found perfectly sane, LORD SIDNEY may be thankful. In the meanwhile, can he ever pass Bedlam, without a tender feeling for the future destiny of his footmen and coachman?

Certain civic enthusiasts glorify LORD SIDNEY for the grandeur that seems to be intended as a fine defiance--like a gilt lion--of the Corporation Commission. The cause for which SIDNEY bleeds in his tailor's bill is, no doubt, a cause very dear to aldermen and councilmen; and it is expected that, emulating his Lordship, they will on the present ninth--as it may be the _last_ show--die gloriously; dying like dolphins in surpassing colours.

Meanwhile, we trust that a watchful eye will be kept upon the angelic footmen and archangelic coachman. What have they done, poor fellows!

* * * * *

NOBLE CONDUCT OF MESSRS. COBDEN AND BRIGHT.

Having recently had a slight corvine plucking with MR. COBDEN and MR. BRIGHT, _Mr. Punch_ has the more pleasure in bearing testimony to their noble conduct in reference to the strike disturbances at Wigan.

As soon as MR. COBDEN was informed of these painful outbreaks, he laid aside a pamphlet which he is writing, to prove that Russia never went to war with anybody, and he hurried off to MR. BRIGHT. He found the latter busily arranging the library which has recently been presented to him for his anti-Corn Law exertions; and that gentleman, hastily dashing down a fine copy of "_Boxiana_," which he was reading with great zest, got into his friend's carriage.

"I think," said MR. COBDEN, with one of his frank smiles, "that we, who have shown that everything can be arranged by diplomacy, have assailed everybody for not settling differences by arbitration, and have so often vaunted the superiority of the cultivated town operative over the agricultural dolt, would hardly like to be accused of allowing thousands of our own disciples to rise in riot close to our own doors, without interfering and arguing with them."

"By Jove!--I mean verily," said MR. BRIGHT, nearly smashing the carriage window in his energy, "I should like any dastard to say that I sneaked out of such an affray."

The missionaries of peace and political economy went pleasantly on, reached Wigan, had the military sent away, and convoked the populace. MR. COBDEN then explained to the rioters that a question of wages was not to be settled by violence, and invited them to a peaceful discussion; and MR. BRIGHT, in the kindest manner, offered to fight anybody who was irrational. Their appeals were successful, and after three hours of peaceful talk, MESSRS. C. & B. went off to the employers with proposals, enforcing them by sound argument. They were accepted, and the whole population have returned to work.

_Mr. Punch_ has not often the happiness of agreeing with the _Morning Herald_, but is bound to express his gratitude to that journal for having called his attention to the above noble and courageous conduct of MESSERS. COBDEN and BRIGHT, who have now shown that they are not mere empty theorists and platform spouters, but honest, consistent friends of peace.

* * * * *

HANOVER IN BRONZE.

The House of Hanover does not shine very much in bronze. All our statues of the departed greatness of that House are marvellously little. The best point of GEORGE THE THIRD is his pigtail; whilst his son, GEORGE THE FOURTH, looks and sits his steed in Trafalgar Square like an over-fed ostler above his business. The DUKE OF YORK--a monument at which every insolvent touches his hat in sympathetic reverence--is, however, to come down. This we learn to be decided upon in the very highest quarters--a truth whispered at the fireplaces of the Clubs. PRINCE ALBERT is to have a statue in Hyde Park: and the men who propose the monument (not that they can want bronze) are to have placed at their disposal, as old metal, the whole of the York Pillar and Royal effigies. Thus the DUKE OF YORK will duly go to the melting-pot, the only manner in which there is any chance of his liquidating the debts he has left behind him.

* * * * *

* * * * *

ABERDEEN _VERSUS_ PALMERSTON.

It is the fashion at all the Clubs to allude to Lord ABERDEEN always as "the injudicious Bottle-holder of the Porte."

* * * * *

BITTER FOR BURTON.--For raising the price of Bitter Ale, the Brewers thereof allege, as one reason, the dearness of _Hops_. What has _that_ to do with it?

* * * * *

* * * * *

SPORTING AT WINDSOR.

"HIS ROYAL HIGHNESS PRINCE ALBERT, and the KING OF THE BELGIANS went out shooting yesterday, attended [_at a respectful distance_] by COLONEL FLINT."--_Court Circular._

_King._ To continue, _mon cher_, our talk of yesterday. Why not let Russia have Moldavia and--

_Prince._ Mark! [_Fires, and pheasant falls._]

_King._ And Wallachia? You will perceive that Austria, who by the way, has been shamefully libelled by your press; you will perceive, ALBERT, that--

_Prince._ Mark again! [_Both fire, and both miss._]

_King._ Austria requires peace. In fact, the interests of humanity demand peace. France wants peace, Belgium wants peace, Saxe-Coburg wants peace; and Saxe-Gotha wants peace!

_Prince._ How wild the dogs are this morning! To be sure, Saxe-Gotha.

_King._ And England.--for I am more than half an Englishman, my dear ALBERT--England wants peace. Think of your debt. Eight hundred millions! A sum enough to strike the house of ROTHSCHILD flat into gold-leaf. Eight hundred millions, _mon cher_, and Europe in a blaze. How do you know your eight hundred wouldn't be doubled?

_Prince._ Twice eight's sixteen.

_King._ Exactly. I saw a passage in the papers about some wild Indians who fire golden balls. Why, doesn't England always fire golden balls? Load with lead and iron; and don't taxes turn 'em to gold?

_Prince._ ABERDEEN the respectable says the same.

_King._ ABERDEEN'S a great statesman. That is, he's great in his respectability. And the English--I know the noble islanders--the English are so devoted to a respectable Minister, that they'd rather be half-ruined by respectability, than saved and served by anything that's brilliant. They fear brilliancy, as it is said JAMES THE FIRST winced at a drawn sword.

_Prince._ To be sure, PALMERSTON--

_King._ A firebrand, _mon cher_: but now excellently disposed of. However, for the peace of Europe--

_Prince._ Mark! [_Fires; bird falls._]

_King (to dogs)._ Down charge! But for the peace of Europe PAM is capitally placed. It is all right to have a firebrand in the Home Office, so long as you keep a Wet Blanket in the first place of the Treasury.

_Prince._ Peace is certainly to be desired. You have not seen my picture--an allegory of Peace?

_King._ I have. ---- showed it me yesterday. My dear ALBERT, do let me have a copy--nay two copies, by your own hand; one for Austria, one for Russia; they will be delighted. Such "material guarantees" for the peace of Europe; and peace at any price will be cheaper than ever.

_Prince._ ABERDEEN deplores war. He said at the Council on Tuesday, when MOLESWORTH talked about national honour, and shedding blood, and all that--he said: It is better to have your nose pulled, than your nose cut off. Now England has certainly had its nose pulled--

_King._ But has not lost an inch of it. The nose is quite as good as ever, and then--

_Prince._ Down, Pompey! How wild the dogs are!

_King._ And then, with war, what throne is safe? Hungary--Italy--Rome--Naples--

_Prince._ The dogs are very wild!

_King._ And as I've said, _mon cher_, Saxe-Coburg and Saxe-Gotha. Therefore, why not let Russia keep the Provinces, and--

_Prince._ Here come BRABANT and FLANDERS.

_King._ Mark! (_His Majesty fires; bird falls. The_ DUKE OF BRABANT _and_ COUNT OF FLANDERS _join_).

* * * * *

The above is faithfully translated from the German, a language in which the distinguished sportsmen always shoot. COLONEL FLINT does not know a word of German.

* * * * *

IN EAST AND NORTH.

Two sisters stand by Stamboul's sunny waters, Two sisters sit where Arctic ice-winds rave-- Hands clasped, the first watch a fleet's crew at quarters; Hands clasped, the second weep beside a grave.

The same two sisters;--long upon each other, Stern have they frowned across their Channel sea: But now all rivalries and hates they smother, And sit thus, hand in hand laid lovingly.

Why, sisters, rest ye thus at peace together, Your ancient feuds and factions all laid by?-- Why smile you in that purple Asian weather? Why weep you 'neath that leaden Polar sky?

"Two causes, stranger, hold us thus united-- Both fit to make true friends of noble foes: In the bright East we stand to see wrong righted, In the black North, a hero's eyes we close.

"Those battle flags that side by side are swelling Speak of brute force defied, of law maintained, Those funeral flags that side by side are trailing, Speak both of loss endured and triumph gained.

"Yon banded fleet to all the nations teaches He that doth wrong his wrong shall sore abye; The icy monument of Bellot preaches How nobly love can live, how grandly faith can die.

"Are not these lessons worthy of the giving? To give them is't not well we use our might? Then leave us to our gladness and our grieving, Under the Eastern sun, beneath the Polar night."

* * * * *

CHINESE HUMANITY.

The Chinese Imperial general offered to his soldiers two dollars a head--the head duly cut off--of the enemy. Well, the enemy not forthcoming, the gallant soldiers took off the heads of their friends. The heads becoming cumbrous from their number, the general declared that he would be sufficiently satisfied with the instalment of ears. Whereupon the gallant Chinese accosted the villagers, men and women, in Shaksperian utterance--"Lend us your ears," and they granted the loan as security for their head.

* * * * *

Epitaph on a Plucked Man.

His Pluckings sore long time he bore, But PALEY was in vain; At length, disgusted, he took and "cussed" it, And didn't try again.

* * * * *

A CLOSE CONTRIVANCE AT WINCHESTER!

Old Winchester--as most people know, and the rest may have heard--has a noble Cathedral. But what is the noblest Cathedral in the possession of an ignoble clergy? A temple inhabited by owls and bats--infested with rats and mice; stupid, crawling, disagreeable and voracious creatures.

Winchester Cathedral, however, rejoices under the guardianship of a body of divines of whom it may fearlessly be asserted that they neither hoot nor squeak, nor fly on any wings but those of devotion, nor offend the external senses, nor nibble to any extent that is uncapitular.

Some Chapters--the excellent DEAN OF WINCHESTER is stricken in years, and for the present management of the affairs of the Cathedral, renown and honour are probably due altogether to his subordinates--, some lazy indifferent Chapters, content themselves with keeping the glorious buildings bequeathed to them by the great churchmen of the Middle Ages in simple repair. This may, indeed, include ornamental restorations. But here they stop. Averse to progress, these prebendal sloths do nothing whatever to improve their cathedrals, by alterations and embellishments in accordance with the feelings and wants of the age.

Sluggish indifference like this is not to be cast, in the teeth of those high-minded and liberal clergymen, the Chapter of Winchester. We are informed that they have lately enriched the interior of that majestic edifice with additional features, which, whilst subservient to utility, have, at the same time, the high æsthetical merit of embodying, or symbolising the canonical spirit of the nineteenth century.

Double rows of iron hurdles, surmounted by _chevaux-de-frise_, have been placed by these magnanimous dignitaries across the aisles of the Cathedral.

We are sorry to say that a correspondent, writing from Winchester, is so disrespectful as to suggest a motive for the erection of these barriers of a nature unclerical, if not unworthy. He supposes that the reverend gentry of the Close have taken to sporting, and as neither custom, nor the agriculturists to whom the meadows belong, would allow them to ride steeple-chases in the valley of the Itchen, they have set up "bullfinchers" within their own bounds, in order to prosecute the chase of the steeple within the church.

* * * * *

_PUNCH_ THE ONLY RECOGNISED PROMOTER OF LITERATURE.

A wholesome caution has just been administered to self-styled Literary Institutions, which claim exemption from Poor Rate by the assumption of a title which they do not carry out. At the Bath Quarter Sessions a set of persons calling themselves the Bath Literary and Scientific Institution, had the effrontery to make a claim to freedom from taxation; and on the question being put to one of the witnesses--"Is _Punch_ taken in at the Institution?" the reply was in the negative. This of course settled the point as to the Society being one for the advancement of literature; and the Sessions instantly decided against the claim.

We hope Literary Societies in general will take a note of this important decision, which lays it down, on legal authority, that the taking in of _Punch_ is satisfactory evidence of an intention to promote literature. The Bath chaps who sought exemption on insufficient grounds, have received a lesson which we trust will not be lost on those who fail to "mind their _Punch_," and who fancy themselves promoters of literature without qualifying themselves by that test which is now recognised by a legal tribunal as decisive, and will, we hope, find its way into "the Books" as soon as possible.

* * * * *

THE CITY COAXING THE CROWN.

Those renowned gourmands, the Corporation of the City of London, have got up a new dish, in the hope that it may prove a "pretty dish to set before the QUEEN;" adulation dished up as a sort of curry or attempt at currying of favour with an illustrious Prince. By their proposal to erect a statue to PRINCE ALBERT during his lifetime, they will not, however, succeed in the scheme of cajoling the Crown to interfere between their corruptions and reform; and the meal they propose for the acceptance of His Royal Highness will prove a mess. They had better relinquish their endeavours to add lustre to the reputation of the Prince, and transfer their attention to his boots.

* * * * *

A LETTER AND AN ANSWER.

_The_ PRESBYTERS _to_ PALMERSTON.

The Plague has come among us, Miserable sinners! Fear and remorse have stung us, Miserable sinners! We ask the State to fix a day. Whereon all men may fast and pray, That Heaven will please to turn away The Plague that works us sore dismay. Miserable sinners!

PALMERSTON _to the_ PRESBYTERS.

The Plague that comes among you, Miserable sinners! To effort hath it strung you? Miserable sinners! You ask that all should fast and pray; Better all wake and work, I say; Sloth and supineness put away, That so the Plague may cease to slay; Miserable sinners!

For Plagues like other evils, Miserable sinners! Are GOD'S and not the Devil's, Miserable sinners! Scourges they are, but in a hand Which love and pity do command; And when the heaviest stripes do fall, 'Tis where they're wanted most of all, Miserable sinners!

Look round about your city, Miserable sinners! Arouse to shame and pity. Miserable sinners! Pray: but use brush and limewash pail; Fast: but feed those for want who fail; Bow down, gude town, to ask for grace, But bow with cleaner hands and face, Miserable sinners!

All Time GOD'S Law hath spoken, Miserable sinners! That Law may not be broken, Miserable sinners! But he that breaks it, must endure The penalty which works the cure. To us, for GOD'S great laws transgressed, Is doomsman Pestilence addressed, Miserable sinners!

We cannot juggle Heaven, Miserable sinners! With one day out of seven, Miserable sinners! Shall any force of fasts atone For years of duty left undone? How expiate with prayer or psalm, Deaf ear, blind eye, and folded palm? Miserable sinners!

Let us be up and stirring, Miserable sinners! 'Mongst ignorant and erring, Miserable sinners! Sloth and self-seeking from us cast, Believing this the fittest fast, For of all prayers prayed 'neath the sun There is no prayer like work well done, Miserable sinners!

* * * * *

GOLDEN BULLETS.

Last week news arrived from Santa Fé of a tribe of warlike Indians, who use "Golden Bullets." Since then MR. WYLD--of the Great Globe--has been daily beset by gentlemen from the Minories and Houndsditch, for maps of the exact locality. COLONEL ISRAEL is at this moment raising a company of the Jewish persuasion, to be called the Rag Fair Rangers.

* * * * *

* * * * *

A REGULAR NUISANCE.

MR. PUNCH has long ago been appointed, by and under his own act, Inspector-General of Nuisances, and he may certainly take credit for the removal of a great many nuisances long before the legislature gave its attention to the subject.

_Mr. Punch_ has lately been engaged in the inspection of the great City of London Corporation Nuisance, and refers to the annexed report for the result of his observations:

REPORT.

My attention was first drawn to the Corporation Nuisance by the very bad odour surrounding the locality, and by a very general rumour that an offensive body, in a most alarming state of corruption, was lying within the precincts of the City of London.

I accordingly proceeded to visit the spot, where a lamentable scene presented itself. I found some four-and-twenty individuals huddled, or, rather, closeted together, in one room, surrounded by a quantity of refuse vegetable and animal matter (apparently composed of pine-apple and venison), the effluvium from which was of the most deleterious character. On examining further, I found a large quantity of thick fluid, in the midst of which were several portions of a glutinous green turtley material, and over the surface a sort of coating had formed, which might almost be cut with a knife--so thick was the matter that had settled on the top of the stagnant liquid. This deleterious wash had been placed in vessels resembling soup-tureens, and was no doubt intended for removal, a great deal of it having been already got rid of by the persons assembled in the room, who appear, however, to have been unable to proceed further with their disgusting operation. I found them in a state of considerable exhaustion among the refuse stuff, and there can be no doubt that the condition in which they are living is highly injurious to the health--moral as well as physical--and likely to exercise a most contaminating influence on the surrounding atmosphere.

In pursuance of this report _Mr. Punch_ feels it his duty to order the removal of the nuisance within a reasonable time, for the parties have been so frequently warned that there is little hope they will of themselves proceed to abate the evils that have so long been matter of public notoriety. _Mr. Punch_ intends proceeding to inspect other departments of the great City of London Corporation Nuisance, and to persevere until a clean bill of health can be presented.

* * * * *

ARISTOCRACY AND ITS ANTIPODES.

If the Legislative Council of New South Wales are enabled to effect their proposal for the creation of an hereditary Peerage in that colony, it will be necessary to assign armorial bearings to the new noblemen. This will be no very difficult matter; respect being had to the origin of the chief families that will be comprised in that aristocracy. For example, here is the blazon of a coat that might be borne by the name of SIKES, elevated to the Dukedom of Norfolk Island.

_Gules_, on a cross _ermine_, between four hand-cuffs, _or_, a jemmy of the field. Crest, out of a window shutter _vert_ a hand, _sable_, grasping a centre-bit _proper_.

The above coat will readily be seen to indicate that the founder of the bearer's family had been transported for burglary accompanied by violence. The latter feature of his achievements is denoted by the sanguinary colour of the field, and of the implement depicted on the centre of the scutcheon. By the number of the handcuffs are signified two convictions. The cross alludes to crossing the herring-pond, and the ermine indicates the judicial sentence by which the voyage was prescribed. The crest speaks for itself; the use of the term sable is an allowable liberty, as being necessary to represent the probable state of the member to which it is applied, considered in relation to soap and water. The family motto might be, _Mortuus vivo_, which would be a neat paraphrase of "Death Recorded."

The horse, the sheep, the pig, and other cattle--for stealing which the forefathers of the ennobled parties were relegated--would furnish abundance of animal forms for the purposes of heraldic symbolism. To these might be added the magpie, the stoat, the weasel, and other creatures that are the emblems of theft and larceny. Though, for the matter of that, the more ancient devices of eagles, dragons, griffins, lions, and the like beasts and birds of prey, would do quite sufficiently well to glorify exploits of plunder and rapine; nor could any motto for the member of a Botany Bay nobility be more suitable than some of those very professions of ancestral principle, which are the glory of certain high pedigrees among ourselves. "Thou shall want ere I want," for instance, would precisely suit the descendant of a footpad. A convict who had become a prosperous gentleman, after having completed his sentence of transportation for seven years, could not have left a happier legend to his posterity, than "I bide my time." Moreover, when it is considered that the foundation of not a few among our own great houses was either fraud or force, it cannot be asserted that a Peerage of New South Wales would not rest to a considerable extent on a like basis with the British nobility. So that, when you come to think it, there may not be so very much difference, after all, between those who came in with the Conqueror, and those who went out in the convict ship.

* * * * *

* * * * *

THE SHERIFFS' DINNERS AT NEWGATE.

The Sessions of the Central Criminal Court have lost much of their attraction--especially to a hungry Old Bailey Bar, some of whom are dreadfully open-mouthed--by the cutting down of the dinners usually given by the Sheriffs. It seems that the learned Judges have not as yet had any dinner at all in the City, but have been obliged to be satisfied with a rather substantial "lunch," by way of substitute. The two Sheriffs have been at loggerheads, and one of them--MR. WALLIS--has provided a meal to which he has invited only the Aldermen on the rota instead of the whole body; upon which SHERIFF WIRE fearing lest his brother Aldermen should starve, has started an opposition table. In the mean time the Judges have been making a meagre lunch with one Sheriff and dining with neither. There being, however, two lunches a day, and two opposition dinners, we should be glad to know how the worthy Chaplain of Newgate performs his elaborate duty of partaking of every meal, which he must necessarily do, in order to avoid giving offence to either of the opposition Sheriffs. The reverend ordinary will have the extraordinary task of disposing of two lunches and two dinners in four-and-twenty hours--an accomplishment that calls to mind the old familiar feat of the leg of mutton and trimmings.

The name of "ordinary" is most appropriately given to the worthy Chaplain, who by virtue of his office is present at the ordinary at one, the other ordinary at five, and again at the two extra-ordinaries occasioned by the division between the two Sheriffs. It appears that in the midst of all this superabundance the learned Judges, "huffed" at having received their invitations from one Sheriff instead of two, have preferred going dinnerless; wisely, however, hesitating to abandon themselves to hopeless hunger, they have to compromise with their dignity by condescending to "lunch" at the table of SHERIFF WALLIS.

We confess we should be glad to see the practice of Old Bailey dinners getting abandoned altogether, so that the old sarcasm as to "wretches hanging that Judges may dine," may for ever lose its traditional point, as it has long ago lost its practical application. There is something unpleasantly anomalous in the substitution of the table-napkin for the ermine before quitting the Court, and it is not a pleasant reflection, that the prisoners having been awarded their deserts, the Judges will, under the same roof, proceed to take their dinners.

* * * * *

THE JUDGES' CHAMBERS.

Oh such a row, such a rumpus and a bobbery, Everything and every one quite in the dark; No one knows the order of the Summonses, Fixed to be heard by MR. BARON PARKE: Tearing, swearing, For dignity not caring, Common lawyers, clerks of all sorts, down to office drudge. Never was a rougher set of noisy individuals, Hanging round the chamber doors to go before the Judge.

* * * * *

A FRENCH FEAST OF THE POETS.

BERANGER the poet is, we are told by the paragraph-mongers, continually receiving presents of jam from his enthusiastic countrymen. We regret to say that our own poets meet with no such sweets, and frequently pass a life of unmitigated bitters. Instead of presents of jam (now let the reader prepare to be knocked down by a fearful blow to his common sense)--we repeat--instead of presents of jam our poets too often meet with a gelid indifference--_jam_ and _gelid_; does the reader see what we are aiming at?

* * * * *

A FAIRY WISH.

Oh, that the million million million billions of seeds of corn rotting on the Danube were "corned" into gunpowder, and swallowed by NICHOLAS. Having no bowels, how could it hurt him?

* * * * *

PLATO'S REPUBLIC PERFECT.

The City's the Model Republic of PLATO, As like as potato can be to potato, Save in one point alone; and it would be a pity If that difference did not distinguish the City.

In PLATO'S Republic, all good things combining, That serve to the great ends of drinking and dining, No Poet was suffered his metres to mingle With the clatter of plates, and the wine glasses' jingle.

But London's good City a poet possesses Who sings its high deeds and its glory expresses, And graces its banquets, his brows bound with myrtle, Sucking up inspiration together with turtle.

That Poet--whose aim is existence to sweeten-- Next day sings the praises of what he has eaten, Which by wholesale are bought by the rich Corporation As the fairest account of the jollification.

At eighty-five, Fleet Street, this son of APOLLO Indites, each November, the Song of the Swallow; His muse every bookseller's counter encumbers, But his friends in the City buy up all his numbers.

* * * * *

HOW EUROPE MAY BE SAVED!

A recipe, from a Neapolitan pen, authorized by KING BOMBA, of Naples!

"Take the English people, strip 'em, rob 'em, kick 'em out of England, making of 'em--even as the Hebrews--dealers in hare-skins and old clothes! When this is done, take London, and turn it topsy-turvy, ruinous like Jerusalem! Let the English House of Commons sit by the waters of the Danube and weep; and let English Bishops sell maccaroni, and English merchants vend water-melons to the _Lazzaroni_ of Naples! Then Europe will be safe. When the House of Hanover is placed upon a cinder-heap of Mount Vesuvius, then may Europe, in the depths of her tranquillity, sweetly rejoice!"

And the KING OF NAPLES read the foregoing, and said "Let it be forthwith printed, and let BRITANNIA forthwith prepare herself to become a Jewess." Only to think--the British Lion a Lion of Judah! The White Horse of Hanover, a Jerusalem Pony!

* * * * *

NEW COMIC SONG TO BE SUNG AT THE CAVE OF HARMONY.

(_Respectfully dedicated to the author of "The Newcomes"._)

MR. PUNCH _sings_.

Our future Premier, laughing free, I've got my eye upon, I think you'll all agree with me--his name is P-LM-RSTON. And by his side sits sleepily a lord in Scotland bred; I think you'll all agree with me--that he were best in bed.

_Chorus by the Nation._

O yes, we all agree with you that he were best in bed.

* * * * *

SOME LIGHTS THAT WANT SNUFFING OUT.

A new religious book is now being advertised under the illuminating title of "The Lamp and the Lantern, a Light for the Tent and the Traveller." If our Exeter Hall friends are in want of quaint titles, we beg leave to suggest "The Bull's Eye and the Dip," or "The PRICE and the PALMER," or "The Long Four and the Short Six," or "The Kitchen and the Composite."

* * * * *

WHAT IS MAN?

The _Quarterly_ makes answer,

"Chemically speaking, a man is 45 lbs. of carbon and nitrogen diffused through 5½ pailfuls of water."

This must be wrong. If no hemp, how do you get your Russian? If no wood, how do you get your Austrian? If no red-tape, how does Downing Street get her Englishmen?

* * * * *

A CON FROM THE SHAKSPEARIAN CLOWN.

_Q._ When _Othello_ killed _Desdemona_, was he thinking of his Wife?

_A._ No--his (s)Mother.

* * * * *

THE GREAT EASTERN QUESTION (_at all political dinners_). "Is there any Turkey left?"

* * * * *

CRUEL KING COAL over London town Evermore year by year doth reign; He is dight in a rich and goodly gown, And he sporteth a monstrous golden chain.

CRUEL KING COAL doth his greatness air In a flaming coach of state reclined; And before him the Mace and Sword they bear, And the little boys run and shout behind.

How did it happen to this KING COAL That he came to be called by the name of Cruel? 'Twas because the old tyrant cribbed and stole, By his cunning contrivance, poor men's fuel.

CRUEL KING COAL and his merry men, Twenty and five fat rogues were they, Cabbaged fourpence a chaldron first, then ten, And a penny to boot made poor folks pay.

Measuring that which they never mete. Making good losses themselves should stand, And rebuilding here and there a street, Were the pretexts alleged by the worthy band.

Even the load that a donkey draws, These fellows do tax, and tithe, and toll, Twenty miles around London Town; by laws Through Parliament slipped by sly KING COAL.

Picking and filching, this cruel King First on all coals that were sea-borne preyed; Next upon such as canal did bring, Then on those by QUEEN'S highway and rail conveyed.

Twenty fair miles as the road did wind, He levied the tax in time gone by; But the Commons his art contrived to blind, And the distance is now as crow doth fly.

Drawback His Majesty granteth not Twenty good tons on a weight below; And the boiling of every humble pot The old fellow doth render the dearer so.

CRUEL KING COAL doth feed and stuff, Revel and riot in each man's scuttle; Eat and drink when he's more than full enough, Cram, guzzle, and gorge, and swill, and guttle.

CRUEL KING COAL shall we suffer more To blow himself out by extortion dire? Shall we let him continue to starve the poor By the tax that he takes from their bit of fire?

* * * * *

MRS. JANE GIMLET TO MRS. JUDITH PUNCH.

"_Yeast Lain, Grinnidge, seckund November, hatingfiftethre._

"MEDDAM,

"Haskin parding for the libbaty hime takin, I opes u will use yer influenzer with yer husband, wich its wot hevery lorful marred oman ort to ave tho they do say he use u shameful in publick, but ave no dout he gets his clippins at ome, and get him to print my letter wich I here some vartuous pussons wants us to ave a day of fastin an hewmilliashun, as a purwentive to the collerher, tho my husban hoo is a plane man, in respek of bein a carpingter by trade, but can rede an rite, did see in the papers that the workin classes ort to ave a plane and modderit dyeit in these times. Now Meddam I ham a pore oman, with siks children an a husban not over strong on account of workin twelve hours a day on wun mele, an hime sure hever sins I leff REVEREND SLOCUM SMITH'S were I lived coke at fiften pund a yere, tee and shewgar fund an all parkisites, ceptin follerhers alloud, I ave never none wot it is to be without a happetite, wich if hany one thinks it a blessin, Ide giv em mine hany day and thankful too, for a lofe of bred. Likeaways would JON. Likeaways would our siks children, wich I ave ad twelve, but siks on em dide, as the doctor sed of my asthma, tho I carnt see ow that cood a been, as I never wos asmatic, but think their deths was caused by the bad hare in our place, and the smells, an bein nussed so low, an put to slepe on Daffy for twelve hours wen I wos out a charin at hateen pence a day an my kepe wich if u ever wants any charin done, I can ave the best of karacters. An its hall werry well for them as as their cup of tee an their butturd tostes bifor their hup in the mornin, an their cold shiken an briled bones at breakfast, and a bit o cake an a glass o jellee atween breakfast an lunch, an a lunch of ot mete and pertaties, wich it is called the children's dinner, but the parents jines in it, an a snack o suffin between lunch an dinner, just to kepe hoff the sinkin from their pore weke stommicks, an a dinner of thre coarses an a dissurt, an toste an muffins at tee, an maybe a little kneegus or sperrits at bed time to kepe it hall down, and then a crust o bred in their bed rooms lest they shood feel faint in the nite--hits werry well for them to fast, if they likes it, for they've plenty of food to fall bak on, and wood honely go to their wittles fresher nex day, like sum I wuns lived with but wonte name, as made hup in Heester for wot they didnt hete in Lent. But if we wos to fast, hose lives is little better than a perpetiwal fast, I donte think the hempty stummicks of our pore littel babes would ever cum to again. An has for hewmilliashun, if MISSUS REVEREND SLOCUM SMITH'S coold honely go hout a charin for a month, and be put upon by servants, (as I wos wuns the hequal hof,) an be snubbed by Missusses, an sumtimes ave her litel earnins stood hover from Saturday nite till Monday mornin, or longer wich it haint oncommon, an not a bit of bred in the house, nor nothin to spout, she wooldunt want no more humilliashun. An has for fastin bein a Christian hact, I no as JON an me an our siks children, have been a fastin hever so long an donte feel no better Christens for that, but quite the contrairy wich hany one as will try it long will find the same. So I do ope Meddam, that ure husban will tell them as wants to fast an thinks they'll be the better for it to give their soup or fluities (wotever they be) to hus as donte want to fast no more, and would be more in charity with hour speshus, if we wosn't halways so huncommon hungry. I ham with 'umbel dooty to ure husband, wich he looked as brisk as hever wen I see im last,

"Your hobedt. chare'oman,

"JANE GIMLET."

* * * * *

THE BOTTLE.

"I can assure you," says A. softly and persuasively, "there is not an entire headache in the whole bottle." "Not an entire headache perhaps," answers B., knowingly, "for all the headaches in it may be splitting ones."

* * * * *

A MORAL PHENOMENON.--A Barrister returning his Fee.

* * * * *

* * * * *

PALMERSTON'S NOTICES TO CORRESPONDENTS.

Since LORD PALMERSTON said, in his speech at Perth, that he was always happy to receive suggestions, and to read the correspondence that individuals might favour him with, he has been overwhelmed with letters upon all imaginable and unimaginable subjects. The consequence is he has been obliged to employ three additional secretaries, who are engaged night and day answering the stupid questions that are put to him. The following may be relied upon as a fair sample of the nonsensical inquiries he is favoured with:--

LATAKIA.--You are right. There is no doubt that there is a little settlement to be found in all Ports--but this does not apply to the Sublime Porte; for in spite of all the shaking and stirring it has lately received, I cannot see the smallest hope of a settlement.

ROSA MATILDA.--You ask me, my young lady, what is the best ink for writing love-letters with? I am sorry I cannot inform you, as it is now many years ago, in consequence of the graver cares of office, since I have abandoned the foolish practice.

THESPIS.--It is more than I can tell you what kind of BROOKE has caused Drury Lane to overflow every night. I have not been to the theatre this season, and so I cannot inform you whether the BROOKE in question was deep, or merely a shallow BROOKE, or a roaring BROOKE, or in fact what particular kind of BROOKE it was; but from all the reports I have heard, some of which have been very loud, I should hardly say it was "the murmuring BROOKE."

DEBRETT.--I cannot tell you LORD BROUGHAM'S habitual residence; but, looking at his trousers, I should say it was generally on the other side of the Tweed.

ONE WHO IS FOND OF DIGGING FOR ROOTS.--I should say, from your foolish question, that the place where you dig most must be a garden full of simples. How can I say whether "toggery" is derived from the Latin word _toga_? Or whether CLYTEMNESTRA, when she was on the point of stabbing her son, exclaimed "_Au Reste_?" Or whether a cross-examination is so called, because it generally has the effect of making a person "cross?" I wonder you are not ashamed of yourself putting such insipid questions to one of HER MAJESTY'S Ministers.

A PUBLIC JOURNALIST.--LORD PALMERSTON is extremely sorry he cannot give the name of the "Old Woman who lived in a shoe," and he doubts very strongly in his own mind if any old woman ever chose such a curious locality for a habitation. Perhaps--and this is merely thrown out as a conjecture--it may refer to MRS. GAMP, of the _Morning Herald_, and who lives in Shoe Lane; but then the song should run, "There was an old woman, who lived in Shoe Lane," and unfortunately it doesn't.

HORTICULTURALIST.--The apple of discord was doubtlessly, my dear, a crab-apple; but it is beyond me to say whether VENUS, in accepting it, was a naughty-culturist; but I can only say, from my own experience, that it is not the first time by many that Paris has been the cause of throwing the apple of discord--witness the Spanish Marriage.

"ET TU QUOQUE."--It would ill become me, in my position, to offer any opinion upon the conduct of a fellow-colleague, so you must excuse me if I decline answering your inquiry whether LORD ABERDEEN is not "the injudicious bottle-holder of the Porte." I should be sorry to accept a compliment at the expense of a man whom I so highly--but never mind the rest.

FIDDLE-DE-DEE.--I will write to LORD WESTMORELAND at the earliest opportunity to inquire whether he is composing variations on the tune of "_Pop Goes the Weasel_," but I doubt it extremely. Your other question of whether a man who gives his mind to a violin can be a clever ambassador, I decline answering.

"THAT'S THE WAY THE MONEY GOES."--You ask me--why I don't know--the reason why "tin" should be the vulgar synonym for money. It defies my powers of divination to tell you, unless it originated from the fact of the purses which are thrown away upon the stage, and which generally contain from ten thousand ducats to a hundred thousand pounds, being always filled with pieces of _tin_. Hence probably the synonym.

ONE WHO DABBLES IN INK.--I do not mind telling you in confidence that LORD BROUGHAM is _not_ the Editor of the _Family Herald_.

A VICTIM TO THE EAST WIND.--The best plan, my dear young lady, for keeping the chaps off your lips is to wear a respirator.

* * * * *

THE HIGH-METTLED RAZOR.

AIR--"_See the course throng'd with gazers, the sports are begun._"--C. DIBDIN.

Since of course we want razors when manhood's begun, Lest profusion of beard should our faces o'errun, A thousand strange methods are found every year, And MECHI and RODGERS assail our young ear. When we next, like a vain beau, direct that our crest, Silver-mounted, should be on the handle impressed, Scarcely scraping a hair in our downy estate, The High-Mettled Razor first ranks among plate.

The next ten years turn out, and we need not now blush, To be caught when we're soaping our beard with a brush; For we _have_ one at length, and we need not say nay, Should any one ask if we shave every day. While alike born for scrapes in our life's daily course, Always sure to come through with a cut, if not worse; When we're barely shaved down just to what Fashion saith, The High-Mettled Razor now bores us to death.

Grown rusty, used up, and turned dull as a spud, Notched, blunted, and, always when used, drawing blood; While, knowing his past deeds, his misdeeds we trace, Tell, "this notch cut my finger, and this cut my face;" And what dangers we've run, we could quickly count o'er, As we wasted our time, and our temper, and gore; When the shaving doth gall, and the steel our chins goad, The High-Mettled Razor's put out of the road.

At length they've improved it, before 'tis top late, And MECHI and RODGERS must bend to their fate, And barbers will soon have to work the treadmill, If their razors are brought to a daily stand still. For now, with its works nearly hid from our view, In the very same chair in which we must sit too, While a music-box plays like a musical elf, The High-Mettled Razor doth _shave us itself_!

* * * * *

WHYS FOR THE WISE.

Why cannot a "Constant Reader" write a letter to a newspaper without an allusion to its "widely circulated columns?"

Why can a young gentleman never take to yachting without strengthening his language with "fo'ksle" expletives?

Why at a dinner party is it never thought permissible to call for cabbage except by its genteel synonym of "greens?"

Why does a cabman consider he degrades himself by acting civilly?

Why in a lodging-house can you never get your shaving-water without ringing twice for it?

Why do people with the smallest rooms invariably give the largest parties?

Why cannot musical critics speak of a voice without puzzling everybody by calling it an "organ?"

Why do fashionable people consider they lose _caste_ by writing legibly?

Why cannot a husband get home late from a dinner-party without assuring his wife he was "the first to leave?"

And why cannot a wife inflict a "charring-day" upon her husband without the additional torture of a cold leg of mutton?

* * * * *

GREAT THEATRICAL STRIKE.--A Combat of Six at the Victoria.

* * * * *

* * * * *

"MOONLIGHT ON THE WATERS OF MY SOUL,

"Adoring your silver slipper with its buckle of emeralds, profoundly respecting the gilded toad which lies before your cerulean door in the light of a scraper, nay, venerating the marble slab that forms the threshold of the house where lives the angelic daughter of HANGO JOWDOB with the wart on his nose, I send you this illuminated rescript. Honour it.

"Yesterday, O LOLLUM, was a festival among these barbarians, and the Chief Magistrate of their chief city went in procession to swear oaths, and to bid other judges to devour sea-tortoises with him. A scribe named _Punch_, and altogether the wisest and comeliest man I have ever seen (excepting HANGO JOWDOB, with the wart on his nose, who will probably read this) gave me a seat in his mansion, which overlooketh the highway. By CON-FU-ZEE, O LOLLUM, but these barbarians have something in them, after all. Their Chief Magistrate is a vendor of teas, and the array was got up to remind the spectators of the Flowery Land whence cometh the fragrant leaf; in short, it was a gorgeous advertisement of his profession.

"Wisely taking example from the wisest nation of earth, they have sought to liken their procession unto what they deem to be Chinese. Poor savages, they make sad blunders; but our religion teaches us to be charitable, and to pity rather than ridicule the benighted heathens, who have not a pagoda in their land, save a miserable one in some gardens they call Q. Yesterday they exhibited strange mockeries of our Chinese forms; but still the good will was there, and we will not mock them in return, but try to teach them better.

"There were shields with faces, as of moons and devils, and dragon-banners, with bells, and other imitations of us; but the artistic design and the classical execution were wanting, my LOLLUM. The Chief Magistrate himself rode in a carriage formed like a gigantic tea-pot; and before and behind him came standards, on which were emblazoned the prices of his goods. Two huge idols, worshipped by the Fathers of the City, with costly orgies, were borne along, with Chinese adornments; and numerous other devices reminded me of the land where dwelleth the lovely daughter of HANGO JOWDOB with the wart on his nose.

"They are all traders, these barbarians, and one of the ancestors of this Magistrate, whose name is SID-NEE, was a great layer of bricks, as I gather, for he is often spoken of, by public-house orators, as 'SID-NEE on the Scaffold.'

"LOLLUM of my Soul! Light breaking in at the Chink of my Heart! Violet of my Nostrils! Pickled Duck of my Affections! Water-lily floating on the waves of my Life! Whitest Egg in the Nest of my Brain! I worship your image, and I kiss the rice-paper which enfolds the eyelash you gave me at parting. When shall your eyes sparkle into mine, and set all the fireworks of my soul fizzing, and banging, and sparkling? Eleven millions of highly polished compliments to the respectable HANGO JOWDOB with the wart on his nose.

"Signed in England, the day after the Feast of the LORD SID-NEE, Mare of London.

"CHING-BANG-BUNG."

* * * * *

DIRECTIONS FOR SHAVING THE LADIES.--Use plenty of soft soap--use it unsparingly to their faces--and it's wonderful how clean you'll shave them.--_A Linendraper's Assistant from Howellanjames._

* * * * *

MISTAKEN BENEVOLENCE.--Throwing Early Purl to Swine.

* * * * *

* * * * *

JUSTICE TO SCOTLAND.

AN UNPUBLISHED POEM BY BURNS.

(_Communicated by the Edinburgh Society for Promoting Civilization in England_)

O mickle yeuks the keckle doup, An' a' unsicker girns the graith, For wae and wae! the crowdies loup O'er jouk an' hallan, braw an' baith. Where ance the coggie hirpled fair, And blithesome poortith toomed the loof, There's nae a burnie giglet rare But blaws in ilka jinking coof.

The routhie bield that gars the gear Is gane where glint the pawky een, And aye the stound is birkin lear Where sconnered yowies wheeped yestreen. The creeshie rax wi' skelpin' kaes Nae mair the howdie bicker whangs, Nor weanies in their wee bit claes Glour light as lammies wi' their sangs.

Yet leeze me on my bonnie byke! My drappie aiblins blinks the noo, An' leesome luve has lapt the dyke Forgatherin' just a wee bit fou. And SCOTIA! while thy rantin' lunt Is mirk and moop with gowans fine, I'll stowlins pit my unco brunt, An' cleek my duds for auld lang syne.

* * * * *

PAYING SHOT BEFORE BATTLE.

The _New Prussian Gazette_ of Berlin says:--

"Several Turkish and Wallachian merchants have arrived here to pay their debts. This case several times occurred during the wars of Turkey with a European power. Turks have come and paid their debts at the risk of their lives in crossing through the enemy's camp."

When this paragraph was read upon 'Change, a melancholy, wan-looking man said with a sigh, "I don't wish any harm to Her Catholic Majesty's Ministers; but I do wish that, if only to relieve us of our bonds, certain Spaniards would, just for the occasion, become Mahometans." Certainly NARVAEZ in a fez would create a sensation in the City.

* * * * *

THE KING OF THE CITY.

Some new lights have been thrown on the position of the LORD MAYOR by the evidence given before the Corporation Commission which is now sitting. The LORD MAYOR seems to be a mixture of degradation and dignity--a species of civic Centaur--a kind of neither one thing nor the other, or rather a sort of both--a combination of the flunkey and the potentate, which it would be difficult to analyse. At the Mansion House dinner he is a Monarch, but at the Coronation banquet he is a Butler, in virtue of which menial occupation he takes a golden tankard home to clean, and then claiming it as a perquisite, he never brings it back again. Why the LORD MAYOR should appropriate a bit of the plate because he is acting as Butler, is as much a mystery to us, as it would be if the man we paid to wait when we give a dinner-party were to walk off with our best piece of plate--our sugar-tongs, which are real, all the rest being electro--under the paltry subterfuge of its being a "perquisite." We can only say that if the LORD MAYOR were to be stopped on his way from the Coronation banquet with the golden tankard in his pocket or under his arm, it would require nothing short of the production of the original charter, to satisfy the police that he had lawful possession of the property.

It appears also that the LORD MAYOR is a Privy Councillor, but is so completely cut in that capacity that he is never summoned to attend, and the probability is, that if his Lordship were to present himself for admission he would have the door shut in his face by the "proper officers." It is, however, inconvenient that those dignities should nominally attach to an individual who is not permitted to use them, and we can only compliment those who have held the office of LORD MAYOR, on their good sense in not bringing on an unseemly altercation with the royal porters and door-keepers, by attempting to "get in" when a Privy Council is sitting. There is no doubt that if "his Lordship" were to force a passage up into the Council Chamber, and attempt to take his seat at the Board, there would be a general cry of "turn him out" from the Cabinet Members. The absurdity of the situation is so apparent, and the incongruity of the LORD MAYOR at the Privy Council is so striking, that nobody can doubt the propriety of abolishing a nominal position, which only subjects its holder to ridicule.

The only real power that is still exercised by the LORD MAYOR is the right of shutting up Temple Bar when the Sovereign is expected; but since the side bar has been rented by a loyal hair-dresser, who would assuredly let the monarch through his shop--if any serious obstacle were to be offered by the civic authorities--it is high time that even this dim branch of the civic prerogative were lopped off by the axe of Improvement, that judicious woodsman, who spares nothing superfluous.

* * * * *

"REVENONS À NOS MOUTONS."

The French, in a great victory over the Arabs, "have captured 4,000 sheep." What will they do with these 4,000 prisoners of war? Will they drive them to market, and sell them for what they will fetch, or will they turn them into _gigots_ and _cotelettes?_ Will they preserve their fleeces as trophies, and hang them up in the Invalides? What will they do with the tallow? Will they melt it into candles, and send them as altar-offerings to the POPE to solicit his blessing on their Algerian campaigns? These questions are difficult to answer, and in the meantime the poor sheep, recollecting the deeds of BUGEAUD and PÉLISSIER, must tremble in their skins every time they see the steel of the Frenchmen. For ourselves, we believe the lives of the 4,000 sheep will be spared by the French, out of their noble anxiety to prove to Europe that warfare can be carried on in Algeria without butchery.

* * * * *

MUTE ELOQUENCE.

Somebody has brought out a collection of the "_Songs of Scotland without Words_." In order to render the thing completely agreeable, we would propose that the songs without words should be set to bagpipes without sound, and sung by performers without voices.

* * * * *

THE DEMON OF THE CUPBOARD.

Within the last few months mysterious noises have been repeatedly heard in the cupboards of HER MAJESTY'S subjects throughout the kingdom. These have been, in most instances, at first supposed to be occasioned by mice and rats, as they consisted in scrapings, scratchings, and knockings, such as are made by those animals. But in many cases wherein the noises were the most violent, cheese contained in the cupboard was found untouched; so that it was necessary to seek some other explanations of the acoustic phenomena.

The circumstances of table rapping obviously suggested that the sounds were caused by spirits; and several powerful mediums were consulted, independently, with respect to this point. The answers to all inquiries obtained through these channels agreed in the fact that the cupboards were haunted; and also coincided in the further information that the name of their obstreperous inhabitant was NICHOLAS.

This startling declaration apparently rendered the character of the author of the disturbances no longer doubtful, and was considered by serious clergymen a conclusive proof that they resulted from "Satanic Agency."

However, to subsequent interrogatories, as to whether the "NICHOLAS" who scratched in the cupboards was the same as that personage generally known as "Old Scratch," the reply was uniformly in the negative; and the cupboard-haunting NICHOLAS was described as not that old one but "the other."

Several defunct NICHOLASES were then named, and the question was put with regard to each in succession, whether he was the one alluded to; but in every case it was declared that the individual mentioned was not the scratching NICHOLAS.

At last--in a kind of jocose despair--was put the inquiry, whether the NICHOLAS was the EMPEROR OF RUSSIA. When, to the amazement of all the hearers, the response distinctly rapped out was "Yes!"

A clue was thus obtained for ulterior investigation, by which it was elicited that the CZAR NICHOLAS was in the cupboards by force of his operation on the loaf, of which, by his nefarious proceedings, prompted by ambition, pride, and rapacity, he had raised the price to everybody in the nation. The knocking and scratching indicated rage and fury, combined with irritation and vexation on account of having got into a scrape.

The sort of ubiquity which seems involved in one individual vermin infesting so many cupboards at the same time, is declared to be a mystery, the solution of which is referred to the abstruser laws of mesmerism. By the assistance of the mediums we learn that NICHOLAS has remarkable faculties of a spiritual kind, which he partakes of as the limb participates in the nature of the parent body. Hence, indeed, he is adored as the deity of the Russians; just as his ancient namesake is "honoured for his burning throne."

Since the above particulars were communicated, it has been positively averred, by ladies venerable for their years and other persons of the soundest judgment as well as the highest respectability, that, on going to their cupboards late at night to cut a slice of bread and butter, they have been terrified by the miniature apparition of a gigantic figure with an inflated aspect, bestriding the loaf in a military uniform and a pair of jack-boots. So that now, in almost all families, when any strange noise is heard about the house, it is customary to refer the disturbance to the CZAR in the cupboard.

* * * * *

A BISHOP ON "THINGS SOLID."

THE BISHOP OF OXFORD AND OIL-CUM-HONEY made a beautiful speech at the Mansion House in favour of the ALBERT Memorial. Never did tongue talk more silverly for bronze. Nevertheless, there is a passage in the episcopal harangue--(let us not forget to observe, it is reported of the Bishop that in his guilelessness he is wholly unaware of the road from Oxford to Lambeth)--a passage relating to "things solid" that somewhat puzzles us. SAMUEL OF OXFORD observed (and MR. SAMUEL CARTER HALL, who, he said, "represented the artists," smiled and applauded the words) that--

"It is of the very nature of _things solid_ that, instead of being borne along upon the surface of the stream of time, _they sink gradually down_ beneath its waters; and, therefore, with regard to this great fact--and _a great fact_ I hold it to have been--if any memorial is to be raised at all, I think it should be raised while yet the memory of its greatness holds its true place in the impression of those by whom it was witnessed."

Because, if PRINCE ALBERT has not a monument in bronze to remind the short memory of human nature that there was once a Crystal Palace in Hyde Park, the recollection of that great fact, being a "thing solid," will gradually sink down into the waters of oblivion. Just as, doubtless, we should have forgotten Waterloo and its results, if certain ladies of England had not set up a statue of WELLINGTON acting ACHILLES in Hyde Park. Well, we have a notion that the best and most enduring monument to the memory of the fleeting Crystal Palace in the Park will be provided by the enduring glory, even at the present time, crowning Sydenham Hill.

We have the greatest admiration of the intellectual subtleties of the BISHOP OF OXFORD. Like an olive, his nature secretes its own oil. Nevertheless, we should have liked to hear other bishops upon "things solid." Where was the BISHOP OF LONDON? Is it possible that any churchman can speak upon better authority, from deeper experience of "things solid," than the teacher of Fulham? Why, then, was the chief power of illustrations of the "solids" of this life merely required of SAMUEL OF OXON? Moreover, PRINCE ALBERT is, it seems, to have the statue: and among the alto-reliefs will, doubtless, be CHALLIS reading his patent of baronetcy.

The thing is decided upon. So gentlemen, unbutton your pockets; and down with the pounds--the "things solid," if we mistake not, BISHOP OF OXFORD.

* * * * *

TWO PORTRAITS OF THE CZAR.

In the well-known _Letters from the Baltic_, NICHOLAS is thus drawn in pen and ink--

"His face is strictly Grecian--forehead and nose is one grand line; the eyes finely lined, large, open, and blue, with a calmness, a coldness, a freezing dignity, which can equally quell an insurrection, daunt an assassin, or paralyse a petitioner: the mouth regular, teeth fine, chin prominent, with dark moustache and small whisker; but not a sympathy in his face. His mouth sometimes smiled, his eyes never."

_Mr. Punch_, having studied the Czar in his works, is disposed to put forth another sketch; as thus--

His face is strictly all cheek: forehead and nose one grand roundabout curve; the eyes large, open, round, and expressive as a cannon's mouth; cannon that can quell an insurrection, or slaughter innocence; the mouth curved and significant as a scimitar; teeth large and prominent as chevaux-de-frise; the face altogether a national death-warrant. The mouth, like scimitar steel, sometimes glistens--the eyes never.

* * * * *

MUTUAL WRONGS.

"We have no Windsor"--says, very mournfully, the EARL OF EGLINGTON--"no Buckingham Palace, no St. James's, no Kensington, no Hampton Court."

_Mr. Punch_ begs to mingle his tears with the tears of the noble Earl, _Mr. Punch_ the while lamenting as an Englishman that--"We have no cockaleekie--no haggis--no singed sheep's-head--no bagpipes!"

* * * * *

GRUMBLING FOR FARMERS.

The late fine weather has enabled us to get the wheat into the ground, which the previous rains threatened to prevent. Agricultural prospects thus present a hopeful appearance; but then, by reason of the extent of land sown, a great many fields must be in a state of seediness.

* * * * *

LADIES' MOUTHS.--An old beau says: "A Lady's mouth never looks so beautiful as when she is pronouncing the word 'Yes.'"

* * * * *

THE LAST PROCLAMATION.

We, NICHOLAS THE FIRST, Emperor and Autocrat of all the Russias, and King of all Good Fellows, proclaim:

That we have been insulted by the Turk, whose stony heart we have--on the bended knees of our Christian spirit--supplicated, but to no purpose.

We have, as becomes a Christian autocrat, submitted to have our dearly-beloved Ambassador, PRINCE MENSCHIKOFF, publicly bastinadoed in the streets of Constantinople.

We have allowed OMAR PACHA to pull the nose of our dearly-beloved General, PRINCE GORTSCHAKOFF.

We have--by a meekness and endurance unparalleled in the House of ROMANOFF--begged, suffered, entreated, wept, rolled ourselves in the dust, to appease and mollify the cannibal spirit of the Turk.

But all in vain. He is stiff-necked, and not to be turned. We, therefore, propose to march with our sacred soldiers to Constantinople, and there and then--(Grace having been duly said by the Patriarch of our Holy Church)--to eat the accursed SULTAN ABDUL-MEDJID alive, and WITHOUT SALT!

[_Here follows a pious invocation for a blessing on the Imperial intention._]

* * * * *

CHEAP LIGHTNING-POSTAGE.

The formation of a New General Electric Telegraph Company is contemplated by _Mr. Punch_.

To supersede and cut out all existing Electric Telegraph Companies will be the object of the New General Electric Telegraph Company, of which _Mr. Punch_ meditates the establishment.

Nothing can be clearer to the reflecting mind than that a shock of electricity is, of itself, one of the cheapest commodities that can be produced.

Nothing is more notorious than the fact that an electric shock, imparted to the wire of an Electric Telegraph, is about as dear an article as any in the market.

The extent of the circuit traversed by a shock of electricity does not add to its cost. The messenger incurs no travelling expenses.

Yet nine shillings is the sum which "A Poor Man in Trouble," who wished to inquire respecting a sick relative, complains to the _Times_ that he was asked to pay for the simple message "Is he better?" with answer, to be transmitted from a station 46 miles from town to the neighbourhood of Belgrave Road, Pimlico.

If there is any one speculation peculiarly calculated to pay on the principle of large sales at low prices, it is manifestly an Electric Telegraph.

In preference, therefore, to any Austrian or Spanish loan, in which enterprising parties may be disposed to risk their capital, _Mr. Punch_ invites them to join him with their two or three millions in his proposed New Electric Telegraph Company; unless the present Companies, awakened by the fear of competition with _Punch & Co._, should reduce their prices immediately.

* * * * *

JUSTICE FOR LONDON.

One of the features in the LORD MAYOR'S Show of the other day was a figure of "JUSTICE, in a Car drawn by Six Horses." Singularly enough, the six horses showed a disposition to pull different ways, and the leaders on each side were as obstinate in trying to upset JUSTICE as a couple of Old Bailey barristers. It was rather a bold measure to introduce Justice officially into any part of the proceedings on LORD MAYOR'S Day, for if the goddess were present among the Corporation in reality rather than in effigy, the probability is, that there would be no procession on LORD MAYOR'S Day, in consequence of there being no LORD MAYOR, as a natural result of there being no Aldermen from whom to select the potentate.

It might have been remarked the other day, that the civic idea of Justice differs from all the ordinary notions of the character, for the JUSTICE of the Corporation of London as seen in the procession, instead of being blindfold, wore a bandage over the forehead in such a way as not to interfere with her sight, or prevent her from having both her eyes open to her own interest. Her scales were rather gigantic, but she did not carry them in her hand, and they seemed to be emblematical of nothing but the balance she keeps hung up, as it were, without being accounted for. Poor JUSTICE seemed to be frightfully shaken by the treatment she experienced in the City; and, after the fatigues of the day were at an end, was heard to say that she had not a leg to stand upon. If a representation of Justice for the City had really been needed for the LORD MAYOR'S Show, how much better it would have been to have mounted the Corporation Commissioners on the Car, and have displayed them to the world as the real emblems of that Justice which the City is likely to experience, when the present disclosures of civic corruption have produced their legitimate consequence.

* * * * *

SEVERE TEST OF TABLE-MOVING.

Of all Tables we should think the Tables of figures in BRADSHAW'S _Guide_ would be the most difficult to move--for we only know from our own painful experience that, whenever we wish to find out a particular spot, we never can get the Tables to move in the direction we want to go to!

* * * * *

GIOVENETTI CHE FATT'.--A simple-minded Correspondent asks us the meaning of an Alderman who has not passed the chair, and is desirous of knowing whether the Alderman so situated has been unable to get past the chair by reason of his obesity.

* * * * *

THE AGRICULTURAL INQUISITION.

Here's Government again at we wi' moor new fangled whims and fancies, A callin' on us vor to gie a statement of our circumstances; Now, zince we've got to undergoo this delicate investigation, O' coorse, my friends, our best we'll do to furnish every information.

We be to zay what land we got--how many acres under tillage-- They seeks to find that out for what?--not surely with intent to pillage. They wants the number of our stock, which if we wonders why they axes, At any rate we knows full well it can't be to lay on moor taxes.

We'm to put down in black-on-white, our cows, and pigs, and ship, and hosses; Which them as don't know how to write I s'pose must do by means o' crosses: Our wheat, our barley, wuts, and rye, our beans, our hay, and straw moreover, Our mangold-wurzel, turmuts, ay, and taters, sainfoin, too, and clover.

P'raps we shall likewise ha' to state the number of our ploughs and harrows, Wheel carriages, both small and great, from carts and waggons down to barrows, Machines that to the farm belongs, our clod crushers and scarifiers, And all our forks, and rakes, and prongs, according as the case requires.

Our poultry booked they may expect--returns o' turkeys and gallanies, Along o' lists made out correct o' Bantams, Dorkins, Cochin Chaneys, And geese and ducks, and pigeons; nay, may be they'll want, a inventory, Including all the eggs they lay; a pretty joke and likely story!

How 'twas the project fust arose of sneakin in behind the curtain, By gettin of us to expose our secrets, I consider certain; 'Tis Popery in the Government that wishes for to get possession Of our affairs; for which intent they tries to bring us to confession.

We very soon shall find, I fear, the country in a sad condition, 'Tis the beginning, all this here, I take it, of the Inquisition, You'll shortly see the fagots blaze, unless you stand resolved and steady; There's the New Forest, anyways, directed to be cut already.

* * * * *

THE AUSTRALIAN ROUTE.--This route, since the discovery of gold, must be the Root of Evil.

* * * * *

* * * * *

FLUSHING A SEWER.--A CITIZEN'S DREAM.

I snored in slumber comatose, Soaked, stuffed, and gorged too full by far; Across my red and bulbous nose QUEEN MAB then drove her tiny car; Whereon I clambered precipices, And tumbled headlong down abysses, And roamed among strange edifices, Till I at last saw Temple Bar.

Yes; there was Temple Bar, no doubt, Of that I felt completely sure; Yet there was something strange about The gateway--mystic and obscure-- A character and meaning double; And from foul puddles, signs of trouble, Whilst gas around began to bubble, It formed the mouth of some great sewer.

Then, in the visions of the night, Behold a Broom the kennel brushed, And a Voice cried, "'Twill be all right Ere long!" and then the Voice was hushed; And then I heard a sullen mutter, A sort of grumbling in the gutter; And after that, the same Voice utter These words: "THE SEWER MUST BE FLUSHED."

When, lo! a noise of dismal cries, Grunts, groans, and squeaks of wild despair, The anguish of a thousand sties, With frightful discord rent the air; And straightway, in the dreamy juggle, Approaching waters seemed to struggle, Gurgle, and dash, and splash, and guggle, And through the portal burst and tear!

Ah! what a cataract of slush And monstrous mud was there to see. Like noisome soup appeared to gush The sizy torrent, now set free; And in the mess lurched figures bloated, With fat heads, whose dull eyes still gloated On morsels that around them floated Of callipash and callipee.

The Sword, the Cap, the Mace, the Chain, Regalia of the Civic Crown, Disgorged by that enormous drain, Tangled and hitched with robe and gown, With acts, and deeds, and charter-scrolls Of fees and metage, dues and tolls On corn, fruit, oysters, salt, and coals, Came rolling, rumbling, tumbling down.

Pie Poudre, Leet and Baron Court, With Swanhoppers no more to hop. Those dark and dirty billows' sport, Together hurled, went squash, and flop: And one who stemmed, till Hope's last glimmer, The slab surge that did round him simmer, The Water Bailiff--sturdy swimmer; He too was swamped amid the slop.

With sirloins, haunches, all these things Were mashed; with jelly, ice, and cream, Chantilly biscuits, legs and wings Of game and poultry, and the stream Bore salmon, turbot, hash, and curry, Goblet and flagon, hurry-skurry, My brain was bursting with the worry-- And then I started from my dream!

* * *

* * * * *

THE RESULTS OF STRIKING.--It is as strange as it is lamentable that strikes should so commonly end in broken heads, since the moment the men have once struck there is a stoppage of the mill.

* * * * *

NOT FAR OUT.--A cynical old Cockney of our acquaintance says he considers the moustache movement to be only a new way the young fellows have got into of giving themselves 'airs.

* * * * *

KING LEOPOLD REPORTS PROGRESS.

The KING OF THE BELGIANS opened his Chambers last week, and it is to be regretted that KING LEOPOLD'S excellent speech has been so incorrectly translated by the London newspapers. No wonder that LORD CLARENDON complains of the inadequate way in which the journalists render his despatches. An English dramatic author, hurried in his rapine, could hardly have adapted a French speech more clumsily than it has been done for our papers. We subjoin a literal translation:

"GENTLEMEN,

"I am charmed to meet you again. When we separated, you were so kind as to express your entire satisfaction with the marriage I told you I had then in view for my son, the DUKE OF BRABANT. I need not inform you that the match has since come off, because I do not suppose you will easily forget the portentous (_effroyable_) disturbance we made about it. But you will be happy to hear that I have taken Mary HENRIETTA OF AUSTRIA and her husband over to England, and that our charming friend and relative QUEEN VICTORIA was quite pleased with the bride, and considers BRABANT a fortunate young fellow.

"It is, I hope, unnecessary for me to say that it was not merely, or chiefly, to introduce a young wife to a young matron that I endured the perilous voyage from Ostend to Portsmouth. You will do your King more justice.

"Allied with the House of Austria, I found in that marriage the strongest reason why my voice should be heard in England at a conjuncture (_crise_) when Austria needed an advocate there. But this is not all. You know how long and how sedulously I have laboured to get the EMPEROR NICHOLAS to accredit an ambassador from Russia to Belgium. His Majesty has, for years, disdained my request with Northern haughtiness (_fierté_), but, either for reasons of mine or his own, he has at last accorded the favour. Since that boon, it is well known to you that Russia has had only to ask and to have in Belgium. I was therefore doubly bound to undertake my English mission, charged as I was with the interests of Austria and of Russia.

"That the Prince Consort of England and myself retired into the shooting field together--for the Sovereign of England has a certain straightforwardness (_droiture_) which makes it difficult to urge diplomatic considerations in her hearing--you may have learned. If I alluded to the danger which might accrue to Saxe Gotha in the event of Russia, Austria, and Prussia not regarding its princes as their friends, I am sure the august sportsman to whom I addressed such a speculation will not have listened to me in vain. The friends of MARY HENRIETTA and of our newly-arrived ambassador have no reason to be dissatisfied with the effect I produced.

"I may therefore felicitate you, Gentlemen, and myself, on the perfect concord which exists between Russia, Austria, Saxe Gotha, and Belgium, and I am glad to add that the aged and accomplished prime minister of England, the good ABERDEEN, fully concurs in the sentiments of those four powers.

"Details of your own finance and other topics affecting yourselves will be supplied by my Ministers, but I could not refrain from personally informing you of the quadruple alliance which I, and our charming MARY HENRIETTA, have done so much to cement, and which I trust you will remember should we ask for any little addition to the estimates.

"That the blessing of, &c."

* * * * *

THE "GOD OF RUSSIA."

NICHOLAS is the acknowledged deity of the Muscovites. A god standing six feet four in his sacred stockings. The manner in which he recruits his army to carry on his Holy Wars is very celestial. Sometimes he causes his angelic Cossacks to surround a boys' school and carry off the scholars, promoting them from the birch to the knout. In one particular case two boys, one 12 and the other 14, were carried away, their old grandmother of 85 raising her hands, doubtless in prayer for the God of Russia. Who can doubt the Christianity of an Emperor, who is at once the heart and soul of such a system? Poor fellow! In his last proclamation he says "He has been goaded into war by the PORTE." Goaded is the word. Only think of the nasty red-wattled turkey gobbling at and goading a poor, harmless, innocent bear! We shall next have the Christian dove pecking out the eyes of the twin-headed eagle.

* * * * *

THE INNKEEPER RHYMER.

Now that every British Innkeeper clearly holds himself privileged to take as many people in continually as his house will hold, it has become a question of quite national importance how most effectually to check their chousing. In our position of Adviser-General to the Nation, we have of course been nationally consulted in the matter, and we therefore feel called upon to give our readers--we mean of course the nation--our opinion on the subject.

It being generally admitted, by everybody but themselves, that the present system of our Innkeepers has become, like a baby, quite a crying nuisance, we think it may most properly be dealt with in the cradle: and we would therefore have our rising generation early prepared for the fleecing that awaits them. We are sure that by judicious treatment a wholesome horror of hotels might be easily impressed upon the infant mind. We would have the landlord take the place of the infantine "Old Bogy," and figure in our fairytales as the terrible old Ogre, who lives upon the unsuspecting travellers who come to him: while in all the juvenile editions of our Natural History he might be represented as a species, only known in England, of the _Ornithorynchus_, or _Beast with a Bill_. Instead of the deeds of mythic "Forty Thieves," our nursemaids should recount the rogueries of an inn; and, instead of threatening a "dark room" by way of penal settlement for the fractious, they in future might condemn them to a "private" one at an hotel, lit with nominal wax candles at half-a-crown an inch. "_Reform your Landlord's Bills_" should be, of course, an early round-hand copy, and the first thing in the spelling-book a spell against extortion. In short, no means should be spared to represent an hotel as a sort of inhumane mantrap, which it is impossible to get out of without considerable bleeding.

The same wholesome warning might be given through the medium of those senseless lyrics which are known to us, collectively, as our Nursery Rhymes. We have long had a contempt for these unmeaning _Humpty-Dumptys_, and have long considered them a national disgrace. They were an insult to our cradlehood, and are still continually an annoyance to our maturer ears. The proverbial wisdom of our ancestors is but little shown, we think, in having handed them down to us. It is humiliating to think that in this era of enlightenment, this present March--or, we should rather say, November--of Intellect, such nonsense can be tolerated. Any well-regulated baby must, we are persuaded, feel itself disgraced by it.

In the position we hold as national benefactors, we have long been anxious to reform these truly "nonsense verses," and we are resolved that when our stereotyped "want of space" no longer afflicts us, we will "seriously incline" our pen to an attempt at their amendment. Meanwhile, upon a subject so suggestive as the present, we can't resist throwing a little reason in the rhymes; and we feel we shall be doing the infant state some service by printing, as a specimen, our _Innkeeper Rhymer_.

AIR.--"_Hushaby Baby._"

Chouse away, innkeeper, while you've the chance, For you'll very soon drive all the tourists to France: A crown for a breakfast--eight shillings for lunch-- Pay him his bill, and expose him in _Punch_.

AIR.--"_Ride a Cock-horse._"

Dine at the Cross off steak tough as horse, And charged at the rate of a crown for a course; With bills ever high, and bows ever low, You shall have chousing wherever you go.

AIR.--"_Sing a Song of Sixpence._"

Sing a song of fleecing: A pocket full of gold In four-and-twenty hours Will be quite cleaned out, I'm told. Would you stay a fortnight, A fortune you must bring, For while they serve you like a Commoner, They charge you like a King.

Two shillings for a cup of tea, And sixpence more for "honey;" And however light your dinner be, A heavy sum of money. Half-a-crown for wax-lights, Tallowy in smell: So wherever you're admitted, You are taken in as well.

* * * * *

FOLLOWING THE FASHION.--The French start the Fashions, and the English follow them.

* * * * *

* * * * *

THE ALBERT STATUE MOVEMENT.

A meeting of the principal metropolitan Statues took place yesterday morning at Exeter Hall. Time was when such an assemblage would have been looked upon as rather an extraordinary event; but recent manifestations have prepared the public mind for the phenomena of statue moving and statue talking: and this convention of sculptures created more interest than astonishment. The object of its attendants was to take into consideration the proposal for the increase of their number by the addition thereto of a monument to His Royal Highness PRINCE ALBERT.

The STATUE OF FERGUS MAC IVOR--from the shop-front of MR. SANDERSON, tobacconist--having been voted into the chair, stated the purpose of the gathering. Of course the costume of the PRINCE'S statue would be determined with reference to the associations of Balmoral; and he should hail the introduction of the illustrious new member to the clan. The only question was, where to place the Statue? For his part he should have much pleasure in affording it a site by vacating his own post at the door, and retiring into the shop.

The STATUE OF GEORGE THE THIRD would willingly resign to the new comer a position which was painfully conspicuous, and withdraw into an obscurity where a pigtail would cease to attract perpetual derision.

The STATUE OF GEORGE THE FOURTH, equally with the effigy of his Royal Parent, would be glad to abdicate in favour of the Statue of the PRINCE CONSORT. He was nervously sensible of constituting, together with his quadruped, something very unlike one of the Elgin Marbles. It would delight him to dismount, and let the PRINCE get up instead.

KING CHARLES THE FIRST'S STATUE at Charing Cross said, perhaps the taste of the Committee would determine that His ROYAL HIGHNESS should get up behind.

The DUKE OF YORK'S STATUE felt that there were peculiar reasons why, if any site were relinquished in favour of the intended testimonial, it should be his own. The country owed something, anyhow, to PRINCE ALBERT; but whatever PRINCE ALBERT owed the country, he paid his debts, and his representative would not be exposed to continual banter on that score.

The STATUE of the GREAT DUKE, from BURTON'S Arch, said that he had the honour to represent FIELD-MARSHAL THE DUKE OF WELLINGTON. FIELD-MARSHAL THE DUKE OF WELLINGTON had been awarded by the country a Statue during his life. The same tribute was about to be paid to FIELD-MARSHAL PRINCE ALBERT. The Statue of FIELD-MARSHAL THE DUKE had nothing to say to any estimate the country might think fit to form of the comparative necessity for a Statue of FIELD-MARSHAL THE PRINCE. But that point being settled, the proper place for the Statue would be parallel to his (the Statue of the DUKE'S) own. His own was the top of the arch on one side of the road, and PRINCE ALBERT'S might be that of the gateway on the other.

NELSON'S STATUE considered that the suggestion of the Statue of the Noble DUKE was founded on the notion that the monument to PRINCE ALBERT was intended to commemorate the Great Exhibition. In that case the gateway at Hyde Park Corner certainly would be the fittest place for it; near enough to the scene of the triumph, and alongside of the memorial to the Hero of Waterloo. But, to speak straightforwardly, the fact was, that the scheme of a Statue to the PRINCE was a device of the Corporation of London to ingratiate themselves at Court. The Statue was meant to be a propitiatory concern--to conciliate the protection of Royalty for the City--and the proper situation for it would be over Temple Bar, to serve as a Palladium to that edifice and the interests therewith connected.

GOG and MAGOG, rising together, loudly expressed their approbation of this view; the adoption of which would tend to secure themselves in their own places, which they wished to retain as long as they were able, like all others holding comfortable situations in Guildhall.

A motion embodying the concurrence of the meeting in the opinion that the Statue of PRINCE ALBERT should surmount Temple Bar was then put and carried unanimously, when, after the usual vote of thanks, the meeting broke up, and the molten and graven images departed to their respective sites.

* * * * *

SHERIFFS' OFFICERS SUPERSEDED.

We hear that an ingenious mechanic at Ipswich has invented a machine to perform perpetual motion, which is described as "self-acting after being put in motion by a screw." So is a bailiff who acts on a usurer's writ. We wonder if the Ipswich automaton would arrest an insolvent?

* * * * *

MOTTO FOR THE ELECTRIC TELEGRAPH.--"Between you, me, and the Post."

* * * * *

CLOWNS OF THE NEW SCHOOL.

Somebody said that it takes a wise man to make a fool. This stands to reason, like the parallel proposition, that it takes a man to make a beast of himself; for if anybody is rendered either beast or fool by his own act, he cannot have been either the one or the other previously. But, running counter to the proverb, fools now endeavour to make wise men, and the Clown on the stage combines the teacher with the tumbler; is didactic and funny; intermingles philosophy with antics, and moralizes and makes faces by turns. The play-going public may perhaps admire this conjunction of light and shade with motley; if so, its taste will be catered for by enterprising managers. In the preparation of the Pantomimes for Christmas, the Clowns should be got to rehearse their parts carefully, with a view to the correct delivery of those discourses which will constitute the serious portion of their business. When the Clown throws off his great head, and his regal vestments, or doublet and trunk hose, and rushes to the foot-lights, he utters an exclamation and propounds an interrogatory. Tradition requires thus much; but Fashion will demand more. He will have to expand and amplify the old forms of words whose brevity has hitherto been sufficiently instructive as well as amusing, so as to elucidate the fulness of their significance. For example:--Having been transformed from Emperor to Zany, MR. MERRYMAN, at the tap of the Fairy's wand, jumps out of his robes, and appears in his diversified and proper colours. He turns his toes in, and runs up to one of the stage boxes. He there stoops forwards, resting his hands on his knees, grins, squints, rolls his eyes, thrusts his tongue out, and pulling himself by the ears, draws it back again. He then composes his flake-white and vermilion countenance, and utters the following soliloquy:--

"On this spot of earth, at this moment of time, between the past and the future, that is to say, HERE, an aggregation of human entities, animal creatures endowed with reason and conscience, a multitude of Objects that constitute You in relation to the One Individual Subject, Myself: in a word, WE, exist in a state of conscious Being, of self-cognisant perceptivity and ratiocinativity; in short, ARE!

"In what condition, mental or bodily, of suffering or enjoyment, of weal or woe, of riches or poverty, of health or disease, of seriousness or levity, of gravity or mirth, of appetite or satiety, of wakefulness or somnolence, more briefly, How, in respect to the state of conscious being, self-cognisant perceptivity and ratiocinativity, exist, or ARE, that multitude of Objects which in relation to my Individual Selfhood, constitute YOU?

"To condense my meaning into the fewest words by which it is capable of being confined, I would remark that,

"Here We Are!

"And to that momentous observation, allow me to add the profound inquiry,

"How Are You?"

So saying, the Clown flings a summerset, and proceeds to pick pockets, swallow sausages, and burn himself with the hot poker, varying these practical pleasantries with dissertations on morals and metaphysics.

* * * * *

THE POST OFFICE LONDON DIRECTORY FOR 1854.

We have perused this volume with considerable pleasure. We observe that it contains two thousand four hundred and ten pages, most of them comprising three columns of closely printed matter, and but that we found it impossible to take the book up, we have no doubt we should have found it equally impossible to lay it down. As a literary composition it is really remarkable, for the tone which the author takes up at the beginning is preserved to the very end, and the same unflaggingness, if we may be permitted the word, which on page 1 introduces us, with a PALMERSTONIAN jauntiness, to MR. ABBOTT'S coffee-house in the Whitechapel Road, conducts us, with a GLADSTONIAN tenacity of purpose, to MR. WILLIAM YOUNG, the accidental secretary of deaths, on page 2288. But do not let us be misunderstood. There is no monotony of treatment. We are successively presented with a series of _tableaux_, or rather tables, of life, of a perpetually varying character. We first find "our warmest welcome at an inn," and Green Dragons, Blue Lions, Essex Serpents, and White Horses, spit, roar, hiss, and neigh before us in all the frightful friendliness of provincial hospitality. Then we are shown official circles, and there is no mistaking the individual who is delineated, whether he lounges and reads the _Morning Post_ in the Treasury, sternly overhauls the national ledger in the Audit Office, or waits upon the tides, or overhauls the travelling baskets of returning young ladies, near the Custom House Stairs. Anon, the mysteries of the streets of London are laid open to us with a minuteness which neither ASMODEUS nor MR. PETER CUNNINGHAM has ever attempted. But our author is not confined to the _trottoir_; trades--whose followers look jealously on the census-paper, and by no means affectionately on the income-tax return--are thrown open, and to him everybody reveals his business instead of telling the prying writer to go about his own. He equally shines in his portraiture of political life, and not a senator, hereditary or accidental, spiritual or temporal, escapes his eye. The next time LORD NAAS has to hunt for MR. KEOGH, he may be spared the scandal of airing himself eleven times, in vain, upon the mosaics of the Reform Club; and the next time the nation is looking out for a Premier, it need not, for lack of an address, select LORD ABERDEEN instead of _Mr. Punch_. The voluble actuary of the assurance office, the drab-breeched and white-haired banker, the smart stockbroker and the smarting stockjobber, the parchment-visaged chamber-counsel, and the bold-eyed champion at the Old Bailey, the dowager of Mayfair, the guardsman of the club, the virtuous and self-denying author in his ANDREW MARVEL chambers, the post-office clerk, and all the men of letters (ha! ha!) of St. Martin's-le-Grand, the sour bachelor of the Albany, and the gentle Benedick of St. John's Wood, and the other myriads who help to make London, from HER GRACIOUS MAJESTY down to--no, _Punch_ is merciful--are all designated here. In short, inapplicable as is the word to the biggest as well as the best book of our acquaintance, the Post Office Directory not only contains all that we want to know, but precise information as to at least a couple of millions of people whom--except as readers, in which capacity they exist already--we sincerely hope that we never shall know.

The following extract gives a good idea of the author's style:--

"Smith John, Hairdresser, 24, Skinner Street, Clerkenwell. Smith John, Hide and Skin Salesman, Bermondsey Skin Market. Smith John, Lamp Glass Warehouse, 25, Stonecutter Street. Smith John, Leatherseller, 31, Hanover Place, Clapham Road. Smith John, Livery Stables and Van Proprietor, 20, Little Portland Street. Smith John, Lodging House, 41, Devonshire Street, Queen Square. Smith John, _Luke's Head_, P. H. 25, Mercer Street, Long Acre. Smith John, Oilman, 8, Ward's Place, Hoxton Old Town."

* * * * *

REFORM IN THE CITY.

Already, reform has been felt in Guildhall. At the LORD MAYOR'S state dinner, the eighty waiters employed to change plates and pour out for the Corporation had, every one of them, a whole half-pint of beer! This allowance was pre-arranged by way of test, and for future guidance. One Alderman is worth, at least, four waiters. Hence, at all future banquets, every Alderman will have allowed him a whole quart of beer, and beer of the bitterest into the bargain.

* * * * *

A FEARFUL STRIKE.--Talking of Strikes, we hope the EMPEROR OF RUSSIA will not take it into his head to strike the balance of Europe.

* * * * *

* * * * *

SONGS OF THE GEOLOGICAL SOCIETY.

Adapted by a Late President.

AIR.--"_O a' the Airts the Wind can blaw._"

O a' the airts the wind can blaw I dearly like the west, For there Silurian beds abound, The beds that I lo'e best; There's limestone blue, and sandstone too, Wi' slate and shale between. And deep below, the coarse grits go, Wi' purple slates and green.

There's trilobites in Bala bed, Product as in coal shale, There's mony a fish in Auld, Auld Red, Wi' heterocercal tail; There's no a Mezozoic rock Hauds trilobites within, There's mony a Palæozoic block Whar trilobites are seen.

* * * * *

COBDEN ON EVIL SPIRITS.

MR. COBDEN has written another of those pithy letters on great principles that--some day--will make a very charming little volume of _Cobdeniana_. He is solicited to give his opinion on the best mode of "Opening the trade in spirits?"

"The best way," replies sagacious RICHARD, "of dealing with the monopoly of spirits is to abstain from drinking them, which for upwards of twenty years I have done."--Spirits make felons, lunatics, and suicides, says MR. COBDEN. Hence, the Bottle might surmount Newgate and Bedlam. MR. COBDEN does not drink spirits; but, moderately, he drinks wine--wine that cheereth the heart of man? Will he, then, do his best that the masses of his countrymen may take a glass with him? The wine-growers of France want to sell us pure, cheap, healthy wine--wine that would soon destroy burning gin, inflammatory brandy. France needs iron, England claret. Will MR. COBDEN, if only as an apostle of peace, help us, that we may exchange British metal for Gallic grape? We should like to drive the English "pig" into the French vineyard.

* * * * *

NOTHING--A NEW DEFINITION.--That portion of a lady's head on which her bonnet rests.

* * * * *

IMAGINARY CONVERSATION.

(_Without the least foundation._)

_Mr. Punch._ CAPTAIN LEICESTER VERNON, you will be good enough to answer a few questions.

_The Captain._ Sir, I shall be happy to do so.

_Mr. Punch._ You are, CAPTAIN, I believe, the adapter of the drama called _The Lancers_, performing at MR. CHARLES KEAN'S theatre?

_The Captain._ I am.

_Mr. Punch._ You are also the member for Chatham?

_The Captain._ I am.

_Mr. Punch._ You intend to take your seat in the next Parliament, and do your duty by your constituents and the nation?

_The Captain._ Such is my desire.

_Mr. Punch._ And the aspiration does you credit. Some very important questions will come before the Legislature during the approaching Session.

_The Captain._ Ah! They always say that--always.

_Mr. Punch._ And rightly, Sir. But in the next Session we are promised measures whose importance is indisputable. In the first place, CAPTAIN, there is the Reform Bill. To vote rightly--I will not say speak sensibly--upon its clauses, some information is necessary to a member of Parliament. Favour me with a sketch of the history of popular representation, of the principles on which you consider it should be based, and of the arguments for and against extension of the suffrage.

_The Captain._ Really--a--a--

_Mr. Punch._ Ah! You have not studied the subject. Well. We are to have a measure for the better distribution of the revenues of the Church of England. Pray what is the amount of those revenues, and upon what tenure are they held?

_The Captain._ Amount. Tenure. Really--a--a--

_Mr. Punch._ Ah! you have not studied the subject. _Non omma possumus omnes._ Well--we are to have a revision of the criminal law. What do you consider the principal defects of the present system, and what remedies would you adopt with regard to old, as distinct from juvenile offenders?

_The Captain._ Distinction. Come--well--why--a--if--that is--a--

_Mr. Punch._ Ah! You have not studied the subject. Well. The question of Colonial Administration is to be raised, and the comparative advantages of central and of local self-government will be discussed. Will you sketch the working of each system in our colonies, distinguishing those to which constitutions have been granted, and will you point out the defects of both the existing systems?

_The Captain._ Why--a--if you come to foreign parts--why--a--

_Mr. Punch._ Ah! You have not studied the subject. Well. We shall have to consider a most important topic, partly legal, partly social; I mean the doctrine of partnership, and of limited liability, on the wise treatment of which depends the welfare of myriads of our population. What is your theory of partnership?

_The Captain._ Really--as to topics of that head--a--a--

_Mr. Punch._ Ah! You have not studied the subject. Then, Sir, with every one of the great questions of the next Parliament unstudied by you, why do I find you wasting your time in translating French plays for MR. CHARLES KEAN. Is _he_ getting up your Parliamentary information for _you_? (THE CAPTAIN _bursts into tears_.) There, there--I only gave you a hint, and there are three months to the meeting of Parliament. If you distinguish yourself there, I shall have nothing to say to _The Lancers_; but if not--

[THE CAPTAIN _rushes off to buy_ MILL, BENTHAM, HALLAM, DE LOMME, BLACKSTONE, _&c._ _&c._

* * * * *

CURIOUS ASSOCIATION OF IDEAS.

LORD MAYOR SIDNEY never can say "Incongruous." Let him try as he will, he never can make it anything but "Incongouus." For instance, with regard to his absurd procession, he confessed it was "an in-Congouus mixture."

* * * * *

* * * * *

COURTESY AND CONTROVERSY.

In a kindly and reasonable letter to the _Times_, the REV. J. M. CAPES, a Roman Catholic clergyman, recommends controversialists, both those of his own creed, and Protestants, to conduct their discussions with moderation and decency. This excellent advice, we are sure, will be followed by all disputants of either sect who are arguing for truth. DR. CUMMING approves of it. So doubtless will DR. NEWMAN. Nay, perhaps one, or two, or even three more, on each side, will adopt the judicious and amiable suggestion of MR. CAPES.

But as the object of the great majority of polemics is not truth but triumph, the probability is that they will not confine themselves to unadorned logic, but like a sort of candidates at the theological hustings, will continue to bandy aspersions, as heretofore, and cover one another with all the ridicule they can, each with the view of bringing his adversary into contempt and odium with the British Public.

Moreover, there is a stake at issue--no offence either to Rome or Geneva; liberty of thought, speech, and writing; freedom, political and social. The question is, whether Britons shall be subjugated to a priesthood and a foreign power--and not only that, but whether, by receiving the religion of Rome, we may not engage ourselves to accept the institutions of Naples. Which question it is not likely that Britons will discuss dispassionately; and moderation may be inculcated to those who are at issue upon it with about as much hope as gentleness and forbearance may be preached to the belligerents in Moldo-Wallachia.

MR. CAPES complains of "a certain class of objects" of Roman Catholic faith and affection being "made the subjects of scorn, ridicule, and reviling." Very bad taste this on the part of Protestant buffoons. But since, if the objects alluded to are worthy of reverence, any insult that may be offered to them can hurt nobody but the scoffer, surely such bad taste ought not to annoy MR. CAPES further than by exciting in his mind a painful anxiety for the fate of those who are guilty of it.

Let MR. CAPES consider what manner of persons those are who are vexed by having their persuasions derided. They are not those who believe that two and two make four; no, but those who believe that two and two make something else. They are those who believe what MR. CAPES believes; and those who believe themselves to be Kings or Deities.

Alluding to a particular tenet, which to Protestants appears contrary to common sense, MR. CAPES says--

"Let not such a doctrine be made the subject for jesting, scoffing, contemptuous sneers, or those still more revolting attempts at convincing us that we are fools, which the followers of Exeter Hall occasionally adopt."

It seems strange that the attempt to convince MR. CAPES that he is a fool should be still more revolting to him than the derision of what he esteems most holy. But, not to dwell on this point, how, we may ask, if a dogma is absurd, is it possible to convince a man that it is so without at the same time convincing him that he is a fool for believing it? To use a rather West British form of speech, we are sure that any wise man who differs from MR. CAPES would be much obliged to that reverend gentleman for proving to him that, in respect of that difference, he was a fool.

* * * * *

THE BARRISTERS OF ENGLAND!

The Barristers of England, how hungrily they stand About the Hall of Westminster, with wig, and gown, and band; With brief bag full of dummies and fee book full of _oughts_, Result of the establishment of the New County Courts.

The Barristers of England, how listlessly they sit, Expending on each other a small amount of wit; Without the opportunity of doing something worse, By talking nonsense at the cost of some poor client's purse.

The Barristers of England, how when they get a cause, They (some of them) will disregard all gentlemanly laws; And bullying the witnesses upon the adverse side, Will do their very utmost the honest truth to hide.

The Barristers of England, how with _sang froid_ sublime, They undertake to advocate two causes at one time; And when they find it is a thing impossible to do, They throw one client overboard, but take the fees of two.

The Barristers of England, how rarely they refuse, The party they appear against with coarseness to abuse; Feeling a noble consciousness no punishment can reach The vulgar ribaldry they call the "privilege of speech."

The Barristers of England, how often they degrade An honourable calling to a pettifogging trade, And show how very slight the lines of separation are, Between the cabman's license, and the "licence of the Bar."

The Barristers of England, how, if they owe a grudge, They try with insolence to goad a poor Assistant-Judge; And after having bullied him, their bold imposture clench By talking of their high respect for the Judicial Bench.

The Barristers of England, how sad it is to feel That rant will pass for energy, and bluster goes for zeal; But 'tis a consolation that 'mid their ranks there are Sufficient gentlemen to save the credit of the Bar.

* * * * *

DONE BROWN AGAIN.

"MR. PUNCH,--When will Sivilians learn to hold their _assinine_ tongs about millitary affairs, I should like to know? Just read this. It is in your preshous _Times_ this morning.

'The Indian Sepoys are very fair troops.'

"Now, Sir, I ask you, is such blazing ignoranse to be tollerated? I have served in India, Sir, and the Seapoys are all the _brownest beggars_ you ever saw. Mahoggany's a fool to them. And yet the _Times_ pretends to tell officers and gentlemen their duty. By showing wich up will oblige, _Mr. Punch_,

"Your Obedient Servant,

"_Pall Mall_." "A CAVALRY OFFICER."

* * * * *

Nesselrode Pudding.

Take as much gammon as will lie in the compass of a diplomatic circle; and mince along with butter, sugar, and pigeons' milk in equal quantities. Add olives, well bruised, in sufficient proportion to flavour; and when thoroughly incorporated, mix the whole with puff paste and flummery made into a mess. Mould in a twisted shape, and plunge into hot water, where allow it to bubble, the longer the better. Turn it out when thoroughly done, and serve cool with _Sauce à la Tartuffe_.

* * * * *

MUNICIPAL LABOURS.

That popular work, "_The Stomach and Its Difficulties_," gives the most accurate notion of the exertions which have been made by the Corporation of London.

* * * * *

OVERFLOWING WITH EXTRAVAGANCE.--A good November Fog is the cause of poor authors being extremely extravagant, for it forces them to burn "the midnight oil" at noonday.

* * * * *

THE CITY INQUISITION.

Among the numerous points which have struck _Mr. Punch_ in perusing the evidence taken before the invaluable Commission which is daily forging the hatchet destined to hew down that rotten old tree the Corporation, and scatter its owls and bats, is the remarkably miscellaneous character of the information with which the witnesses favour the Commissioners. Any gentleman who is passing and chooses to step in, is politely asked by the Chairman whether he happens to know anything about the City; to which, with equal off-handedness, he replies, "Well, yes," or "Well, no," as the case may be, and then his evidence is taken. While _Mr. Punch_ was waiting to make SHERIFF WALLIS happy by telling him that he approved of that Sheriff's conduct in refusing to contribute to the SIDNEY Spectacle, he heard something of this kind.

MR. MONTMORENCI JONES: Do I know much about the City? Well, no, not much, but I shall be happy to tell you anything that occurs to me. I have to go to the City sometimes on money matters. Live there? No, I should think not. Who lives there but porters, junior partners, and warehouse cats? I live in Regent Street. But I don't despise the City. I think there are some good points about it. The things in the shops are much better than the West End things--and so far cheaper, but as to actual price it's about the same. You're cheated in the City because ground is so dear, and at the West End because the tradesmen must pay for those gaudy, gilded, ginshop-looking fronts. But the City men are sharper, and insist on a better article--_we_ believe anything a tradesmen tells us. If you will cleanse away the LORD MAYORS and Fleet Ditches, and a few things of that kind; keep out those PICKFORD'S vans and other monster abominations, so that one's cab may not be smashed every time one passes through Temple Bar; widen the thoroughfares, and prevent people from dining at one o'clock, so that one smells dinner before one has well finished breakfast--I think that the welfare of the City would be materially promoted. I may mention, too, that I have seen some very pretty girls in St. Paul's Churchyard, and not so badly dressed as you might expect, but the poor things get jostled so dreadfully by the City fellows, who rush about like JEAMESES on an errand, that they always look frightened. I think the Police, that make the cabs go slowly past churches, might be told to keep these fellows at a decent walk when going near ladies. Take a note of that suggestion for your Report.

MR. SUFFEET DE PERISTYLE: I am an architect. O, yes. I have taken much interest in the City; and sometimes, while shaving, I have mentally sketched out plans for improving it. Will I state any? With pleasure; and as my principal plan has relation to the Corporation, it is the more desirable for you to hear it. I am for dealing boldly with the City. Let us begin at Temple Bar, which I would not remove. Take down the whole of the houses on both sides of Fleet Street and Ludgate Hill, and clear the space to the Thames. Embank the Thames. On the left side of Fleet Street, erect a splendid series of halls, cloisters, and habitations, reaching from Temple Bar to St. Paul's. Throw King's College, the London University, Merchant Tailor's, the Blue Coat School, and the Charterhouse into these, and re-endow them, and pay all expenses by confiscating the Corporation estates, and, if necessary, the private property of the Aldermen. Let the right hand side of Fleet Street be a beautiful meadow, with fountains and statues, to the Thames. Preserve _Mr. Punch's_, of course, but rebuild it in alabaster, and make it the feature of the scene. Take down St. Paul's and re-construct it in white marble, which will wash, and clear away in its rear an area of a quarter of a mile, to be paved with mosaic.--(_The Commission, fairly aghast and out of breath, cause the witness to be removed._)

MR. GRUBB: I keep the accounts in a City house, as my father did before me, and I hope my son will after me. I do not desire to see any alteration in the Corporation, in the City, or anywhere. I was very happy on my tall black stool for forty years, and now they've pulled a house down in their precious improvements, and the sun falls right in my eyes, and I have been obliged to move the desk at which my father took his seat in 1789. Time of the French Revolution? I dare say it was; I don't take much heed of politics, especially since BILLY PITT. You've nobody like him now. I saw his funeral in Feberwerry, 1806--yes, I saw that last year, but it was not equal to BILLY PITT'S. If you'll take my advice you'll let well alone; but of course you won't. I don't know what the world's coming to--the youngsters in our house are taking to moustarshiars, and a young radical of sixteen declares he can't exist without his shower-bath. Little enough such brats washed themselves in my times--a dip in the New River once a month, or so, satisfied them, and somehow we managed Trafalgar and Waterloo without your boards of health, and missionaries in sewers, or whatever you call them. Once more, I say, let well alone.

* * * * *

PRINCE _PUNCH_ TO PRINCE ALBERT.

Illustrious and excellent brother, Don't consider me rude or unkind, If, as from one Prince to another, I give you a bit of my mind-- And I do so with all the more roundness, As your conduct amongst us has shown A propriety, judgment, and soundness Of taste, not surpassed by my own.

You've respected JOHN BULL'S little oddities, Never trod on the old fellow's corns; Chose his pictures and statue--commodities Wherein his own blunders he mourns. And if you're a leetle more German In these than I'd have you--what is't Beyond what a critic may term an Educational bias or twist?

On the summer-house walls, in your garden, Of R.A.'s., fresco-painters you've made; A demand which some of them won't pardon Since good drawing's required for the trade. You've roused to new life the Society Of Arts, which had grown mighty flat; And the Army to you, with propriety, Attributes the famed ALBERT hat.

When the zeal for the Great Exhibition Down to zero seemed likely to drop, Mayors Provincial, at your requisition, Of a sudden showed souls above shop. Inspired up they went, like sky-rockets, At the call of a Patriot Prince-- Nay, more, put their hands in their pockets To a tune ne'er before known--nor since.

Foundation stones, past calculation, Workmanlike, you have laid, true and square And a curiously dinner-rid nation Has still found you a saint in the chair. Goodness knows what ineffable dinners, What drinks deleterious you've borne, What prosing from long-winded sinners You've endured with a patience unworn!

You have never pressed forward unbidden; When called on you've never shown shame Not paraded, nor prudishly hidden Your person, your purse, or your name; You've lent no man occasion to call you Intruder, intriguer, or tool; Even I've not had often to haul you O'er the coals, or to take you to school.

All this, my dear PRINCE, gives me boldness-- Which, _au reste_, our positions allow-- For a hint (which you'll not charge to coldness, After all I have written just now): Which is to put down certain flunkies, Who by flatt'ry your favour would earn, Pelting praise at your head, as at monkeys Tars throw stones--to get nuts in return.

My LORD MAYOR may beplaster his liveries With velvet and gingerbread gold; Though all, what he'd perhaps call "diskiveries," Are bursting from every fold: He may perch up a JUSTICE from Astley's Atop of a property car, Not less fit for the day, or less ghastly's Her rouge, than frauds corporate are.

He may summon his friends to swill turtle, And gulp ven'son, like pigs in a stye;-- Line the Mansion House staircase with myrtle And laurel--the Sphynx can tell why;-- He may bow to the Bench of Exchequer, Have Ministers sit at his board;-- Civic barges no farther from wreck are, GOG and MAGOG no less shall be floored.

The hands that prepare your ovation, My dear PRINCE, ought at least to be clean; Not the hands of a doomed Corporation, Fouled with all that is venal and mean: There's the smut of the poor man's coals there, Whereof tithe they've unrighteously taken; There's the flour of the poor man's rolls there, And the grease of the poor man's bacon.

Then silence your civic applauders, Lest better men cease from applause He who tribute accepts of marauders, Is held to be pledged to their cause. Let no Corporate magnates of London An honour presume to award: Their own needs, till ill-doings be undone, Little honour to spare can afford!

* * * * *

POSTAL ECONOMY AT GLASGOW.

Scotchmen are famous for their economical disposition. Here is a remarkable instance of Scotch economy:--

"LETTER CARRIERS--AN APPEAL.

"_To the Editor of the Glasgow Herald._

"DEAR SIR,--We feel, with you, indignant at the scurvy treatment we have received at the hands of the London authorities, in reference to our Post Office, and think we ought to take the matter in the meantime in our own hands, so far as concerns the _Carriers_.

"We all confess they are badly paid, and a highly deserving class of public servants. We therefore propose to all the merchants in this district to co-operate with us and form a committee, to give a practical expression to our feelings for the men, by raising a fund to give them at least 4_s._ per week extra to their present low salaries, and a suit of comfortable uniform.

"We calculate that a very small weekly sum from a tenth part of the merchants here would place the men for one year in a comfortable position, and be the means more fully of calling public attention and indignation to the subject.

"If the above scheme succeeds in this district, it might be extended to others.

"We shall be glad to receive communications on this proposal, and shall consider ourselves richly paid for any trouble we have taken in the matter, if it be the means of placing the _Letter Carriers_ in comparative comfort.

"We are, dear Sir, yours very truly,

"WILSON & MATHESON, 58, Candleriggs."

It is much cheaper for a merchant to contribute a small weekly sum towards giving his letter carrier a proper salary, than it is to be out of pocket through having letters of importance, some containing remittances, mislaid or stolen, because the man is not paid enough to induce a competent and honest person to undertake the situation.

This example of Scotch prudence, therefore, is one that deserves to be followed by the generous commercial public, indeed by the public at large, of England: if HER MAJESTY'S upper servants at Downing Street cannot be induced to allot a fair proportion of wages to HER MAJESTY'S under servants in connexion with St. Martin's-le-Grand.

But it would really be almost a saving if the Government were to give the postmen a reasonable hire. When MERCURY the messenger turns MERCURY the thief, and, tempted by want, steals half-a-sovereign, marked by MR. SCULTHORPE, out of the letter he is intrusted with, getting himself, by that act, into the dock at the Assizes, and thence into penal servitude, he costs the country, from first to last, more than would have sufficed to maintain several honest MERCURIES during the same time in blue and scarlet and respectability.

That the proposal, alike judicious and handsome, for making up for Government's stinginess to the letter carriers by private liberality, should have emanated from MESSRS. WILSON AND MATHESON of Glasgow, is a fact that adds a feather to the cap of Scotland, and if acted upon by their countrymen, will render it impossible any longer to withhold the position on the Royal Standard, which is claimed by that sagacious and noble animal the Scottish Lion.

* * * * *

THE POST-OFFICE DIRECTORY.

The companion volume to the above elegant publication is the "_Almanach des 25,000 Addresses_," published at Paris. We do not know who is the Editor of that interesting volume, in which may be found some of the greatest names in French literature and science, but we should say that no one would be better qualified for the task than the BRITISH DRAMA, as no one, as our stage can testify, can possibly be acquainted with a greater number of _French cribs_.

* * * * *

THE CZAR'S ITERATION.

The EMPEROR OF RUSSIA'S lying manifesto concludes with a quotation from a Psalm. This is only fresh proof that old NICHOLAS can quote Scripture for his purpose.

* * * * *

THE MOST CURIOUS THING.--A woman not being curious!

* * * * *

CURE FOR SMOKY CHILDREN

"MY DEAR MR. PUNCH,

"My son HENRY--who promised to be such a good young man--has, I am sorry to say, acquired that _nasty dirty_ habit of smoking tobacco, in which he indulges from morning till night: such a pity at his time of life! for he is not of age yet. In the _Times_ the other day I saw a letter about the Smoke Nuisance, proposing to cure it by 'very frequent feeding in small quantities, and a reward for no smoke.' Do you think, now, it would be possible to break HENRY of smoking by continually tempting him with little bits of something very nice to eat?--the worst of it is that filthy practice has quite spoiled his taste for cake and tart. Reward for no smoke I have offered in vain. I should be _so_ much obliged to you, _Mr. Punch_, if you _could_ suggest any plan by which I could manage to wean my child from his cigars by frequent feeding in small quantities; indeed, indeed, it would be quite a charity to

"A MOTHER."

*** The frequent feeding in small quantities might, in all probability, be accomplished easily enough. An occasional kidney--if devilled, so much the better; a broiled bone now and then; from time to time a sausage; an anchovy toast after dessert: later in the evening, perhaps, a poached egg, a Welsh rabbit, or a few scalloped oysters: these and similar delicacies substituted for pastry, would most likely very much simplify the difficulty of getting HENRY to take small quantities of food at short intervals. But experience unfortunately proves that such a system of diet is not generally accompanied, on the part of young men, by a discontinuance of smoking; whilst it is almost always attended with an excessive consumption of malt liquor.--_Punch._

* * * * *

* * * * *

INFALLIBILITY AT KING'S COLLEGE.

The Council of King's College have dismissed PROFESSOR MAURICE from his lectureships, because those theologians disapprove of his views on a question which is left open by their common Church. The point in dispute was not settled at the first Council of Nice; but it has now been decided by a modern Council of Nice Men.

* * * * *

FAS AB HOSTE DOCERI.

A leading journal says that the CZAR, in calculating upon crushing Turkey, "reckoned without his host." Rather, we should say, he reckoned upon his host; but a few more defeats, and NICHOLAS will be driven to the solitary reckoning in question, and be unable to discharge the shot.

* * * * *

THE DEARNESS OF BREAD.--A Political Baker attributes this to the war in Turkey, for he says "it is all owing to the rise in the (y)East."

* * * * *

THE LAST JOB FOR THE CITY.--Having tolled every thing else that they can the civic body have now only to toll their own knell.

* * * * *

* * * * *

PLAIN FARE AT THE PALACE.

The _Court Circular_ informed us the other day that "there was no addition to the Royal dinner yesterday." We should not have had the impertinence to speculate on the bill of fare at the Palace, had we not been, as it were, invited to the subject by the Court Newsman, who tells us that there was "no addition to the Royal dinner." We can only compliment those who have the arrangement of the Palace provisions on their frugality, which in these days of dear provisions is a virtue that all housekeepers would do well to imitate.

If there was "no addition to the Royal dinner," it is clear that the Royal Family must, on the day in question, have been eating cold--or at most hashed--the "joint" of the day previous. We confess we do not like the idea of the younger branches being deprived of any of those little luxuries so dear to juvenile as well as to "other lips and other hearts;" and, therefore, in the event of any future announcement of "no addition to the Royal dinner," we should be glad to read the extra intimation "_but_ there was a pudding in the nursery."

* * * * *

THE PRICE OF COALS ACCOUNTED FOR.

It is usual with small tradesmen to increase the weight of coals by sprinkling cold water upon them; but in the City the reason why coals come so heavy is owing to the _City dews_ falling upon them for twenty miles round London. When these dews are collected, it is found that the difference, which, of course, weighs upon the price, amounts, in the course of the year, to many hundred thousands of pounds!

* * * * *

WHERE ARE THE RUSSIANS?

What has become of the Russians, of whom 80,000 were said to have passed the Pruth, while 24,000 is the greatest number that has been yet accounted for. People are beginning to suspect that the Russian Army in the Principalities is like the Russian Army at ASTLEY'S having a considerable force behind some imaginary hills, and running round and round by the back of the stage to give an appearance of numbers. We all know that theatrical population progresses more rapidly than any other kind of population; and if our census shows that we double ourselves in fourteen years, a dramatic census will show that a theatrical population--if well marshalled by the stage manager--will double itself in less than five minutes. These considerations, however, do not help us in our difficulty, when we ask what has become of some 40,000 or 50,000 Russians that are wholly unaccounted for? We may be told in the usual loose phraseology of the chronology of war that they have been "cut to pieces." But before we can believe this dreadful assertion, we have a right to demand the production of at least the "bits" into which the Russians have either been smashed, chopped or beaten. Perhaps the most plausible way of accounting for the slaughter of the thousands of Russians whose remains are nowhere to be found is by the very natural supposition that they were but giants of the imagination, manufactured before they were slain by some literary TOM THUMB, who is "doing the foreign correspondence" of some London journal in his lodgings at Lambeth.

* * * * *

A CUP TOO MUCH.

We understand that PRINCE ALBERT has nothing whatever to do with the movement got up by the (late) LORD MAYOR, and indeed HIS ROYAL HIGHNESS has as much distaste for the baneful cup of adulation as he has for "the poisoned CHALLIS."

* * * * *

AN ALARMING DISCOVERY.

Somebody is advertising every day an instrument warranted to "frighten but not kill" the public in general. The terrific instrument is no less than a Gong, which for 40 shillings will frighten a thief, will "appal a burglar" for 60 shillings, and for the comparatively small matter of four pounds will "alarm the country." We hope the Government will at once put a prohibitory duty on these gongs, for it will be an awful state of things if anybody may have it in his power to frighten the isle from its propriety for eighty shillings. Unless something is immediately done to check the danger that threatens us, there is no doubt that "Bang goes the Gong" will become as great a nuisance as "Pop goes the Weasel."

* * * * *

TURTLE IN ECSTASIES.

Accounts from Honduras represent the turtle in the Bay as exhibiting symptoms of extraordinary excitement; flapping their fins, paddling about with unwonted rapidity, lifting themselves on end and dancing and jumping out of the water; in short, realising the most vivid idea of lively turtle. These symptoms of hilarity among the furnishers of green fat have been referred to the anticipation of the extinction of the City of London Corporation, and consequent discontinuance of the LORD MAYOR'S dinners.

* * * * *

THE GORTSCHAKOFF JACKET.

The uniform of PRINCE GORTSCHAKOFF has not been described. We believe the principal article of it is a "cut-away."

* * * * *

PROTECTION FOR THE SLOE.

Everybody is for reducing the duty on French wines, except certain wine-merchants. As importers, the interests of those gentlemen could hardly be affected by the reduction; but perhaps they do not look on port and import as exactly the same thing.

* * * * *

THE OLDEST ANCHORITE.--Hope.

* * * * *

* * * * *

REMARKABLE TRIBUTE OF SIDEREAL APPROBATION TO MR. HIND.

Our old Friend MR. HIND having introduced another new planet (the ninth discovered by him) to the notice of mortals, the announcement was received by all the sidereal bodies with the greatest satisfaction, and indeed so greatly increased the perturbations under which some of them habitually labour, that ZADKIEL has been compelled to publish a supplement to his Almanack, and to predict the arrival of the Greek kalends, the destruction of the Thames by fire, and, simultaneously with these events, the extinction of _Punch_. SATURN, in particular, who considers that the calumnious report of his having devoured his own children had its origin in our ignorance of the existence of those children, as a group of asteroids between MARS and JUPITER, and who is consequently delighted whenever by the discovery of such asteroids his character is cleared, was so overcome with joy, that no child born during the past week will ever be injured in after life by this generally malignant planet.

Many of the stars, moreover, feeling that something was due to MR. HIND for his persevering efforts on their behalf, resolved to call a public meeting to consider the best means of expressing their gratitude. The PLEIADES, as occupying the centre of the universe, kindly offered their rooms for the purpose; and MEROPE, whose marriage with a mortal caused her to lose half her brightness, and brought upon her frequent snubbings from her sisters, brightened up again on perceiving that her haughty relatives were disposed to patronise one of her husband's race. The meeting was numerously attended, but excuses were received from some of the more distant stars, who alleged that if they travelled at the rate of 12,000,000 of miles per minute they could not arrive until 4,000 years after the meeting had broken up. The GREAT BEAR pleaded illness as an excuse for non-attendance; and it was whispered that mortification at the ill success of PRINCE GORTSCHAKOFF had brought on a fit of the gout. Many of the NEBULÆ arrived from a great distance, and were accommodated with seats in the Strangers Gallery; but we regretted to observe that their uncouth forms laid them open to the silly remarks of CAPRICORN, who certainly cannot boast of his own personal attractions, and of JUPITER'S satellites, who, though they are bound to amuse their master, should have known better than to insult foreigners. In the Reporters' Gallery the GEMINI attended for the _Herald_ and _Standard_, but could only muster one pen between them; TAURUS appeared for the Conservative weeklies, and SIRIUS (TOBY is _en rapport_ with Sirius, and always howls when he sees him,) kindly undertook to report for _Punch_.

After an absurd attempt on the part of a clique to thrust the sun of our system into the chair, ALCYONE, who is at present the centre of gravity round which the whole universe revolves, was selected for that important office, and immediately called upon "her excellent friend MERCURY," for the first and only resolution. The _facundus nepos_ ATLANTIS thus adjured, in a speech replete with eloquence, moved, "That this meeting, viewing with extreme displeasure the practice of associating the newly discovered sidereal bodies with the names of persons who have had no share in the discovery, proposes to call the nine planets, discovered by MR. HIND, by the common name of HIND'S Night Lights, as a small mark of the grateful feelings entertained for that astronomer throughout the sidereal system." This resolution, having been briefly seconded by ALDEBARAN, was put and carried unanimously; and, after the customary vote of thanks to ALCYONE, the stars returned to their orbits; but not until the nine planets aforesaid, who, dressed in white, had been seated in a row on the platform, had induced POLLUX to take round a castor, and make a collection for their support. We ought also to state that the well-known MUSIC OF THE SPHERES was in attendance, and gave great satisfaction by its performance of "_Vaga Luna_," "_Oft in the Stilly Night_," "_Rise Gentle Moon_," and other airs set for "Voices of the Night." When MERCURY alluded to the disappearance of two stars from the constellations--HERCULES and LYRA--these celestial voices sang "_The Light of Other Days_" with much taste. Indeed, the taste for singing which SHAKSPERE ascribed to the stars is in no way diminished, for the whole meeting, on breaking up, joined very nicely in

"We won't go home till morning Till daylight doth appear."

* * * * *

A GREAT ANCHOVY CASE.

"BURGESS AND SON," whose name will go down to posterity in a cruet-stand, have lately been throwing their fish-sauce into Chancery, and an equity judge has been discussing the essence of anchovies with a _gusto_ quite remarkable. The barristers engaged in the matter have doubtless verified the fact, that little fish are sweet, for the anchovies have of course yielded some pretty little fees to pretty little juniors. MESSRS. CAMPBELL and MOORE were on one side, while MR. BACON and MR. NELSON represented the anchovies on the other side, and counsel pushed about the anchovy bottle from the Court below to the Court above, with a determination to bring the sauce of Burgess to the very fountain of equity. The great anchovy case has been already before the Vice Chancellor and the Lords Justices, but whether the parties will carry their "sauce" up to the Lords is at present dependent probably on how they may be "advised" by learned counsel to go on expending money in litigation, or "if not why not," or "how otherwise."

* * * * *

DANUBIAN HOMICIDE.

Hosts on the Danube's banks are felled To please one man's ambitious whim; And yet there is no inquest held, No Hue-and-Cry raised after him.

His likeness, true, the shops expose; His hair, his eyes, are in the News, And every Constant Reader knows How high he stands without his shoes.

But how he sleeps, of what partakes, In food and drink, from day to day, What casual remarks he makes, The newspapers omit to say.

We know that he persists in lies Of quite an inconsistent kind. But not that any chaplain tries To rectify his frame of mind.

For wholesale murder does not meet The doom that waits the single crime, The exaltation in the street, The carrion-crows, or grave of lime.

The head with an Imperial crown To deck its slant or flattened top, Will never, DONOVAN, come down Among its fellows in thy shop.

Where, in King William Street, the Strand, Thy window shows to public view The culprits of the red right hand, Whom hemp and MR. CALCRAFT slew.

BISHOP and WILLIAMS, BURKE and HARE, COURVOISIER--that fiend in plush-- At whom the people come to stare, With THURTELL, GREENACRE, and RUSH.

* * * * *

CAUTIOUS OVERMUCH.

A gentleman named BODDY appears, from the police reports of last week, to have very properly rescued his daughter (a silly young lady who left her own for a "Servant's Home") from the clutches of the Papist perverters who are so constantly busied in destroying the happiness of families. The magistrate seems to have doubted his power, but could he not have dealt with the reverend revivalists as Boddy-snatchers? Surely a surplus letter ought not to have prevented the precise punishment the culprits deserved.

* * * * *

A CALICO CALEMBOURG.

_Mr. Cobden._ Why are the selfish agitators among the operatives like the works of a clock out of order?

_Mr. Bright._ Because they insist upon striking, without regard to the position of the hands.

_Mr. Cobden._ You are quite right, my dear BRIGHT.

* * * * *

* * * * *

DIDDLESEX SESSIONS.

(_Before_ MR. SERJEANT EVES, _Assistant-Judge_.)

JOSEPH GUBBINS, _alias_ CRABB, _alias_ BLOOMFIELD, _alias_ the _Grinner_, was charged with stealing a pewter pot, value one shilling, from the rails of a house in Millbank Street. MR. SLASHER prosecuted, and MR. CRASHER defended the prisoner. The case was distinctly proved.

_The Judge._ Now, JOE, have you anything to say?

MR. CRASHER objected to the prisoner being addressed as JOE. He firmly believed, upon his sacred honour, that such a misdescription vitiated the whole proceedings. At all events he called on the Judge to take a note of the point.

_The Judge._ I shan't. Stuff and nonsense. The objection is not worth twopence.

_Mr. Crasher._ It's worth fourpence at least, but it is quite in keeping with all that goes on here that a Judge should not know the value of a Joe.

_The Judge._ That's slang, and though a Counsel ought to be slangy, a Judge ought not.

_Mr. Crasher._ I am quite prepared to hear the independence of the Bar assailed, and the freedom of speech, which every authority from HELIOGABALUS down to BLACKSTONE declares the right of an advocate, stigmatized as slang. But it will not prevent my doing my duty.

_The Judge._ Do your duty. Who stops you? Do your duty. Who's HELIOGABALUS, and what's HELIOGABALUS to do with JOSEPH GUBBINS? This is the way the time of the Court is wasted.

_Mr. Crasher._ As the Court concedes the point, and calls the prisoner by his name, I shall not pursue the argument.

_The Judge._ You may do as you like.

_Mr. Crasher._ I know I may.

_The Judge._ I'm glad you know it.

_Mr. Crasher._ I'm glad you are pleased.

_The Judge._ Very well.

_Mr. Crasher._ Very well.

_The Judge._ JOSEPH GUBBINS, you have been very properly found guilty of stealing a pot--I mean you will be in a moment--eh gentlemen? (_Jury nod._) Of course. You have been found guilty of stealing a pot. Now pot-stealing is a crime which is injurious to the public weal---

_Mr. Slasher._ And public-house.

_The Judge._ Ha! ha! very good. I laugh, you see, MR. CRASHER, to show that I am undisturbed in my temper.

_Mr. Crasher._ I have no objection, Sir, to your laughing at my learned friend, in fact I do so myself ten times a day.

_Mr. Slasher._ "All fools have still an itching to deride."

_Mr. Crasher._ If the Court stands that, of course I can.

_Mr. Slasher._ The Court is sitting.

_Mr. Crasher._ Is it?

_Mr. Slasher._ Of course it is.

_Mr. Crasher._ Ah!

_Mr. Slasher._ Ah too, if you come to that.

[_The Judge joins in the repartees, which are protracted so long that_ MR. GUBBINS _takes off his shoe, and swears that unless his sentence is passed he will "shy it" (to use his objectionable expression) "at the old un's nob." He is condemned to three months' imprisonment, and the next case is called._]

* * * * *

THE PRICE OF A LORD MAYOR'S GOWN.

Every "family man" will appreciate the annoyance of being called on frequently for "a new gown;" but the most expensive milliner's bill would be a mere song--to a moderate tune--compared with the cost of a "new gown" for the LORD MAYOR OF LONDON. In the evidence before the City Corporation Commission we find it stated by MR. ACLAND, that

"There is an amount of seven guineas paid for a violet gown for the LORD MAYOR. In another instance there is an item of £17 for the LORD MAYOR'S silk violet gown. On the occasion of the DUKE OF WELLINGTON'S funeral, there is a sum of £72 for the LORD MAYOR'S silk gown."

We cannot pretend to understand either the necessity for such an extensive stock of gowns as the LORD MAYOR seems to possess, or for such a frightful fluctuation in the price of one and the same article. We know of no system of arithmetic or rule of three by which we are to get a solution of the question: "If a LORD MAYOR'S gown cost £7 at one time, and £17 at another time, why is it to cost £72 at a subsequent period?" We can only say that _as_ £7 _is not to_ £17, _so cannot be_ £72 by any rule or principle whatever.

* * * * *

THE CLEVER CLOWN NUISANCE.

Some very pleasing horsemanship at Drury Lane is being marred by some very obnoxious assmanship on the part of sundry clowns engaged, we suppose, for the purpose of marking the contrast between the stupidity of bipeds, and the sagacity of quadrupeds. We have no objection to the old Astleyan Clown, who is continually wanting to know what he shall "go for to fetch for to bring for to carry," but we must protest against the modern school of buffoons who, under the ambitious title of "SHAKSPERIAN jesters," or some other pseudonyme, inflict their dull platitudes on an impatient audience. Directly a clown becomes too fat to tumble, or too stupid to play the fool in the ordinary way, he adopts the name of "SHAKSPERIAN" and bores the public with long lectures, which he fancies may be received as instructive, because they happen to be the very opposite of entertaining--just as if a man ceasing to be an amusing fool must of necessity become a philosopher.

The "clown to the ring" is, in fact, becoming a perfect nuisance: and we only wonder that the horses do not become low-spirited by contrast with those dreadfully dull dogs who wear the motley. It would be quite refreshing to meet with a good old conventional clown of former times, who would not be above asking WIDDICOMB "if his (WIDDICOMB'S) mother is aware of his (WIDDICOMB'S) absence from home;" or making any other of those rare old imbecile remarks which used to set us in a roar in our days of infancy. A philosophic clown to the ring is, in fact, an anomaly; for every one admits the idle absurdity of "Reasoning in a Circle."

* * * * *

A GOOD GROUND FOR A BAD JOKE.--Why is a lodging on the ground floor a degradation? Because it's a-basement!

* * * * *

AN ALBANY FOR THE MILLION.

To the health of towns, moral and physical, it is universally agreed, that one indispensable condition is the abolition of Slums. But then what is to become of the Slummites? The low neighborhoods may be done away with, but there is no doing away with the low neighbours; who cannot be disposed of by fire and water and poison, along with the bugs and rats and other vermin that run upon four, or more, legs. Besides, in spite of all appearances to the contrary, it is certain that they are human beings; so that we cannot, consistently either with Christianity or common law, get rid of them exactly as if they were black beetles. And if routed out of their courts and alleys, they will crawl or lie about the streets, or, making themselves still more unpleasant, die under our noses.

It therefore becomes necessary to provide them with proper abodes. Suburban kennels and pigsties will not do, as it is necessary that they should reside near enough to their work. Model Lodging Houses, therefore, well supplied with water, and arranged in all other respects with reference to the prevention of effluvia, have been suggested instead, as intramural habitations for the inferior classes. To these the only objection is their name.

The gentlemen who inhabit a certain double row of buildings contiguous to and parallel with the Burlington Arcade would be, most of them, disgusted, if those edifices were spoken of as Model Lodging Houses.

But there is good reason to believe that not only have the lower classes the same number of members--in an anatomical if not in a parliamentary sense--as the higher, but that they are really endowed with essentially even the same passions and feelings. Among other sentiments it has been ascertained that they possess those of pride and vanity, which are not only exasperated by scorn and contumely--as when they are called the scum of the earth, the riff-raff, and the rabble--but also by contemptuous patronage: by all sorts of badges, whether metallic or verbal. There is something of the latter sort of badge in the term "Model Lodging Houses." The expression is low; suggests an invidious distinction of caste: a state of degradation descending almost to pauperism.

To meet this objection it is proposed to erect a building containing little suites of small apartments, adapted to the requirements and circumstances of the poorer portion of the people, to be called "The Industrious Albany;" industrious for the sake of distinction; or, if a more explanatory title shall be preferred, "Cheap Chambers." Ventilation and Warmth combined with Comfort and Cleanliness are to preside over the interior arrangements, and the external proportions are to be regulated by architectural taste, whilst the rent will be fixed at the most economical figure. Investments of capital in this promising speculation, to any amount, may be paid into the Office, 85, Fleet Street.

* * * * *

TO THE PRESS GENERALLY.

The EMPEROR NICHOLAS wishes an _erratum_ corrected in the next edition of our dictionaries. He begs to say that he has discovered that an Ottoman is _not_ a thing upon which you easily and comfortably place your foot.

* * * * *

PROGRESS OF SCIENCE.--A Scientific Hair-dresser at the West-End is about to favour the ladies with the discovery of a wonderful new Pommade, which, he guarantees, "will prevent the bonnet falling off the head."

* * * * *

"THE UPHOLSTERER TO THE MONUMENT."

We see, in the reports of the City Commission, that there is a situation with the above singular title. We wonder, in the name of everything that's wonderful, what are the duties of this curious functionary? What is there to hang, excepting the birdcage with the dingy canary, belonging to the porter, at the entrance door? There may be a few play-bills, also, and some steamboat placards; does "the Upholsterer" go every morning to hang these outside the railings? What is the furniture that is inside the Monument? and where is it stowed away? Or is the "Upholsterer" engaged to keep the flutes of the columns clean? Or is it his particular duty to rub up the Panorama of London that is viewed from its summit? There is no other picture that we are acquainted with, belonging to the Monument, excepting the picture of London's busy traffic across London Bridge, and surely this is a picture beyond the "Upholsterer's" reach? One would imagine from the fact of the Monument having an "Upholsterer," that there were chairs, tables, four-post bedsteads, curtains, and a regular houseful of furniture locked up inside it. We shall pay a visit to the Monument the first fine day there is no fog, and bring away with us an inventory of the furniture. In the meantime, we should like to be informed of the amount of salary of this "Upholsterer," who has to look after a place that contains no Upholstery.

* * * * *

PERSPICUITY OF RED TAPE.

In reply to a request for information where to get the Blue Books which are granted to Mechanics' Institutions, "A PROVINCIAL SECRETARY," writing to the _Times_, says that he received the following official directions; that is to say, he was told

"To make application at the proper season to the clerk of the committee, to be appointed pursuant to the report of the House of Commons on Parliamentary papers, ordered to be printed on the 7th of July last."

This the "PROVINCIAL SECRETARY" wants translated for the benefit of himself and other country gentlemen. The passage may be construed thus:--

At certain times of the year, and between certain hours, which will be appointed hereafter but are not fixed yet, apply to somebody who will perhaps be the clerk of a committee which does not at present exist but will, one of these days, in conformity with a report of the House of Commons on Parliamentary Papers, which was ordered to be printed on the 7th of July last, be constituted, if that report shall ever be acted on.

The translation is rather longer than the original; but if brevity is required to be the soul of official advice, the answer might simply have been "Arrangements have not been made," to which, if any further explanation were necessary, might have been added, "And when they will be, Heaven only knows."

* * * * *

THE DIGNITY OF TRADE.

We were going to say that the fact of a noble Lord having passed the Bankruptcy Court the other day as a horse-dealer, gives strong confirmation to the saying that we are a nation of shop-keepers. But perhaps a horse-bazaar or repository cannot be properly called a shop; and though the horse may be taken over a bar, that noble animal cannot very well be handed across a counter; thus, whatever leaps the noble lord in question may have taken, it is clear that it would be incorrect to call him a counter-jumper. His case, however, certainly tends to show that we are a highly mercantile community, since it exhibits a member of one of our principal families as a dealer in horseflesh. But the fact is, that business is practised by the aristocracy in general to a very considerable extent. Not only do some of them trade in boroughs, but also in rabbits, together with hares, pheasants, and partridges, inasmuch as they sell game. They are not ashamed of this, either: for they will converse about shooting, and not one of them ever calls on the other to sink the shop. Indeed, to sink the shop would be to sink the Island, and swamp the whole concern conducted by ABERDEEN and CO.

* * * * *

"SALAD FOR THE SOLITARY."

We see there is a book advertised under the above curious title. We can hardly make out what it can be, but should say at random, that the translation of it into plain English must be as follows:--SALAD FOR THE SOLITARY.--Let-us alone.

* * * * *

CONFUSION OF AUTOCRATIC NOTIONS.

NICHOLAS expressed a pious hope that he might never be confounded. By the thrashing which he has had from the Turks, we should think he must have been disappointed.

* * * * *

ST. CROSS STINGO, OTHERWISE KNOWN AS GUILDFORD DEMI X ALE.

At a time when certain parties are raising the price of their Ales, which were previously sold at rates considerably higher than such as would have been fairly remunerative, the Public, and especially pedestrian travellers, will be interested to learn that a light and wholesome BEER may be obtained upon the lowest possible terms, as it will be delivered to all applicants at the mere cost of a visit to the DEPÔT, Porter's Lodge, ST. CROSS HOSPITAL. This SUPERIOR BEVERAGE is brewed from pure Malt and Hops, according to a Homoeopathic Improvement on the original Receipt handed down from the ancient Masters of ST. CROSS, and is produced in such high perfection by the present Master, the EARL OF GUILDFORD, that while the smallest quantity will suffice the most inveterate toper, the largest might be imbibed conscientiously by the strictest votary of Total Abstinence. The remarkably low charge for which this Ale is offered to the consumer is owing to the liberality of the Founders and Benefactors of the Institution; who bequeathed capital to a large amount on trust for the gratuitous supply of the genuine article to wayfarers. In Horns of Half-a-Pint each, at the rate of One Measure per Diem. To be Drunk on the Premises.

* * * * *

THE BAR AND THE LIBERTY OF THE SUBJECT.

A few days ago a case was called on in one of the "Superior" Courts, when an application was made to put it off because MR. BODKIN could not attend. One of the judges asked with very natural surprise, "Is not the man in prison?" upon which the counsel of the "man in prison" got up, and admitted such to be the fact; but added that he, the "man in prison," was his (the counsel's) client, and that he (the counsel) was perfectly willing "to accommodate MR. BODKIN." The accommodation of MR. BODKIN was, no doubt, desirable in its way; but, as the accommodation of a prison is not always agreeable, we are disposed to agree with the learned judge, who thought it rather awkward--not to say, hard upon "the man in prison" to have his case adjourned for the convenience of counsel.

We are disposed to sympathise with the unfortunate who was deprived of his liberty, not by his prison's bars, but by a portion of the Bar of England, which often proves harder and more difficult to contend against than the most inflexible iron. Nevertheless he, of course, cannot complain, as although he was shut up in a jail, his own counsel who represented him in a free and open court was "perfectly satisfied," and most anxious to "accommodate MR. BODKIN." If the accommodation could have been mutual--if, for example, the prison "accommodation" and the counsel's "accommodation" could have been in some way equalised--we might have seen more justice in the arrangement than either ourselves, or the learned judge who expressed his surprise on the occasion, have been able to discover. We must all admire the extreme spirit of accommodation that prevails among many of "the gentlemen" of the Bar who--though they bully each other's clients and witnesses, waste the money of suitors by neglecting to attend to their briefs, and even occasionally suffer the postponement of the case of an unfortunate captive--are nevertheless always ready to fraternise with their "learned friends," and make any concessions to each other, of which their clients have to bear the penalty.

* * * * *

SHALL LADIES HAVE VOTES?

"Certainly," replies a strong-minded woman of our acquaintance. "Is woman made only to sew on buttons? And if she is, you have no right to turn away the Needle from the Poll."

* * * * *

TO SEVERAL HUSBANDS AND VARIOUS FATHERS.--HOW TO MAKE HOME HAPPY.--Keep out of it.

* * * * *

THEATRICAL NOVELTIES.

In consequence of the success of _The Lancers_ at the Princess's--those same _Lancers_ being only another version of _The Discarded Son_ at the Adelphi--the following attractive novelties are in rehearsal, and will be speedily produced:--

"'THE BLOWER OF BUBBLES'--being a new translation of _The Game of Speculation_, acted so many hundred nights at the Lyceum Theatre. _Mercadet, or the Bubble-Blower_ (with new bubbles to be blown expressly on this occasion), by MR. CHARLES KEAN.

"'THE FAMILY OF THE WHYTE CHOKERS'--being a completely new version of _The Serious Family_, which was so popular a season or two ago at the Haymarket Theatre. The part of the _Reverend Aminadab Whyte Choker_, by MR. CHARLES KEAN, in lieu of MR. BUCKSTONE.

"'THE MOUNTEBANK'--being an improved reading of _Belphegor_, as performed by MR. WEBSTER at the Adelphi Theatre. _The Mountebank_ (so long as _the public will tolerate it_) will be played by MR. CHARLES KEAN.

"'THE TOWER OF HAMMER-AND-NESLE'--being _The Tower of Nesle_, as generally performed at the Surrey Theatre, but retranslated and considerably improved, with new causes and effects, and a long dissertation by MR. CHARLES KEAN, given away on the playbill, as to the period and costume of the drama, and a list of the bodies thrown into the Seine.

"'THE CARPENTER ON THE ROAD TO RUIN'--being a very superior translation of a Piece, acted for many years under almost a similar title, at the Victoria Theatre. MR. HICKS'S favourite part of _The Carpenter_ by MR. CHARLES KEAN.

"New versions of _Pizarro_, _The Stranger_, and _The Maid and the Magpie_ have also been accepted, and will be produced with all the care for which the Princess's is distinguished."

Great hopes are entertained upon the production of the above pieces; and there can be no doubt that, having been successful at so many theatres before, they will be successful again. There can be no fear as to the acting, when the principal parts will be performed by MR. CHARLES KEAN himself.

* * *

* * * * *

CROCKERY OF THE LONDON CLAY.

The Registrar General tells us, in his report of last week, that "London is situated in a basin." We are not informed what sort of a basin we are living in, but it appears to us to be something between a pudding-basin and a slop-basin--judging from the mud and "slush" it generally contains. Whatever may be the accurate name for the utensil in which we are located, we can only say that it is a basin _of_ which we should be glad to be able to wash our hands.

* * * * *

THE POWER OF EVIL.--A Power of Attorney.

* * * * *

* * * * *

A REAL SCOTTISH GRIEVANCE.

Because we think that the Scotch Lion is quite as comfortable in the place which custom has assigned him as he would be in any other; because we consider that Scotland will do quite well enough without a separate Secretary of State; because we are of opinion that Edinburgh should be content to rank as the second city in the empire; because we are not of opinion that the dictionary of DR. JOHNSON ought, to the vexation of the author's _manes_, to be remodelled on a broad Scotch basis; because, in short, we are not disposed to treat the imaginary wrongs of Scotchmen otherwise than with our usual levity, we are not, therefore, disposed to regard their well-founded complaints with any other feeling than our occasional seriousness. Now we have--we cannot say the pleasure to announce, for the announcement is one which we are grieved in having to make--we have the pleasure, such as it is, of pointing out, and calling attention to, with the view of causing to be redressed, A REAL SCOTTISH GRIEVANCE.

The Scottish grievance which we thus proclaim to be real is one which, we may say, should be framed and glazed. For it comes before us in the shape of a lithograph--dedicated to us in conjunction with a daily paper of some eminence--representing the Glasgow General Post Office; a building of two stories in height, interjacent between MR. RUTHERFORD'S cigar and snuff establishment, and the shop of MR. RUFF, clockmaker; a portion of the party-wall of which last named edifice is exposed, by reason of a very shameful circumstance, reflecting the discredit of gross negligence and injustice on the Government, and, indeed, the Legislature.

That injurious and disgraceful circumstance shall be stated in an extract from a speech by SIR ARCHIBALD ALISON, which is printed beneath the plate:--

"The revenue from the Post Office in Glasgow has increased, in ten years, from £26,000 to £47,000; and, recollect, Glasgow is a city containing nearly 400,000 inhabitants, being second in importance to London alone. Well, the Government first bought a building for the Post Office, for the sake of economy, so ruinous that they were soon after obliged to take off the two upper stories and having done that, they were compelled to leave it for two years and a half without a roof, in the mean while taking no steps to erect a new office. The result is, that for the greatest commercial city in Scotland we have no cavalry barracks, no defences of any description, a Post Office without a roof, and yet, with an amount of wealth that may prove a tempting prize to an invader."

We will not say much about the Cavalry Barracks. Drunkenness, we know, prevails to a great extent at Glasgow; and if the people there are apt to be so disorderly as well as drunk, as not to be controllable by the ordinary police, perhaps they do require dragoons to repress their excesses. In that case, it is no doubt a shame that Glasgow should have no barracks for cavalry. But that the Glasgow Post Office wants a roof, is a substantial inconvenience and injury, a just cause of complaint, a matter for strong and sober remonstrance; for remonstrance as strong--and as sober--as Glasgow can make. A roofless house is disgraceful enough considered as indicating insolvency, but it is much more disgraceful when its rooflessness is the result of injustice. To expatiate on the prime necessity of secrecy and security in such a building as a post office, would be to insult the understanding of our readers; and we feel that some apology is due for hinting that, of all the works of masonry, that is the very edifice which ought most carefully to be tiled in. It is, therefore, with all our power that we would trumpet--if with a penny trumpet, though, in fact, ours is a threepenny trumpet--the lack of a roof to the Glasgow Post Office as a real Scottish grievance; and a very great one, particularly as compared to the others alleged by Scottish agitators. We may add that we sympathize the more cordially with the parties aggrieved, inasmuch as we of course regard the condition of the Post Office at Glasgow as fraught with prejudice and peril to the general cause of letters.

* * * * *

ABERDEEN FOR CHINA.

An English Ambassador is needed for Canton. We beg to propose the EARL OR ABERDEEN. Such a selection would be a great compliment to the Chinese,--the noble Earl being very like a tea-chest; namely, varnish without, and lead within.

* * * * *

MODEL RAILWAY MEETING.

Saturday last a General Annual Special Quarterly Meeting of the London and South-Northern Railway Company was held at the Company's Offices. The meeting had been convened to hear a report on the propriety of amalgamating the undertaking with that of the Great East And By Eastern Railway, for which junction, negotiations have been for some time in progress. The HON. ROLLING STOCK, M.P., Chairman of the former Company, presided. The room was crowded with shareholders, and eleven fights took place before business was commenced.

The CHAIRMAN briefly explained the object of the meeting, and reminded those before him that they were men of business come to discuss a question of business, and he expressed a hope that nothing but business would be talked, as the riotous displays which had now become common on such occasions were not only degrading in themselves, but tended to shake the public confidence in a body which could so conduct itself. (_Applause, and an old hat flung at the Chairman._)

The SECRETARY then rose to read the report, but not one word was audible, shouts of "_We know!_" "_Shut up!_" "_All humbug!_" "_Gammon and spinach!_" drowning his voice. He persevered in dumb show, however, until a volley of baked taturs, nearly all hot, supplied by a vendor who had been smuggled into the room by a shareholder, made him not only desist, but come round with an offer to fight the parties who were thus emphatically protesting.

MR. BUFFER then moved that the report be adopted. (_Hideous yells._) Well, if it were objected to, let the reasons be advanced, and don't let fellows stand there, he added, with some irritation, howling like fools. (_Renewed yelling._)

MR. DE GRADIENT seconded the motion, and would also be happy to be the previous speaker's second, if necessary.

MR. SHUNT said that the Chairman was a Nass, the directors were umbugs, and he had no term of decision--he meant derision--strong enough for the secretary, engineer, and superintendent of the traffic. The whole lot were revolutionary aristocratic donothings and sneaks. (_Cries of "That's about it!_" "_Put that in your minutes!_")

The CHAIRMAN said that in his private capacity he despised the taunts of the last speaker too much to condescend to notice them. But as Chairman of that meeting, and representing its dignity, he felt it his duty to say that of all the offensive rapscallions whose ridiculous gabble was ever permitted to contaminate the ears of gentlemen, MR. SHUNT was at once the most audacious and the most contemptible. He had no desire to be severe, but this statement was the mildest version in which he could clothe the truth. He should now put the motion. (_Cries of "Yes, you'd better!_" "_Down, down!" and more volleys of baked taturs._)

MR. FITZPISTON rose to protest. Not a word had been heard of the report, and yet they were to be asked to adopt it. (_Loud applause._)

The CHAIRMAN: And whose fault's that? If the meeting had not made such an unbusinesslike row, they would have heard it all.

A SHAREHOLDER: It was a dodge of the Secretary's, who read low in order not to be heard.

The SECRETARY (_in a dreadful rage_): If I read low I hit high. Will the honourable shareholder come round here and try?

The SHAREHOLDER: No, you are our menial servant, and it's your duty to wait on your masters. (_Vollies of applause and taturs._)

The Secretary was here restrained, with some difficulty, by the Chairman, from taking off his coat and chastising the meeting. During the discussion, quarrelling was going on in all parts of the room. At length, the Secretary being appeased into only caricaturing his enemies, upon his blotting paper, instead of beating them, the Chairman again rose, and put the motion.

MR. SHUNT leaped upon the table, and, taking a sight at the Chair, moved as an amendment, that the report be pitched out of window, and the Directors after it. (_Applause._)

A DIRECTOR (_terrified_): Police!

At this word the fury of the meeting became terrific. _Cries of "That's the way shareholders are bullied!" "No crushers here!"_ and other indignant expressions broke forth; and for three-quarters of an hour, though various speakers tried to be heard, nothing resulted but gesticulation. At last the meeting, being hoarse, permitted a few words from the CHAIRMAN, who explained that this question had been already discussed forty-two times, and each time with similar excitement. In the meantime another company was pushing on the same scheme, and would, by reason of the delay, take the wind out of their sails. (_Cries of "All your fault!" "Swindling the shareholders!" "Directors ought to be kicked!" &c._) He would once more move, that the report be adopted, as nobody would state any objections. (_Vociferous cries and yells--"No, no!" "Down with them!" "Twenty-five per cent. or nothing!" "No democrats!" "No exclusives!" "Bravo_ ROUSE!" _and so on_.)

The CHAIRMAN then called for a show of hands, when everybody clenched his fist and shook it furiously at him. The Chairman, with a smile of triumph, declared the motion unanimously carried, and then, with the Secretary and the books, made a bolt through a side-door, before the meeting could rush in upon them, and prevent the success of this _ruse_. The meeting broke the windows, chairs, and lamps, and were then dispersed by the police.

Yet, with such centres of organisation, fault is found with the working of the Railway system. There's something wrong.

PUNCH.

* * * * *

PUNCH'S PRIZE JOKE SHOW.

By way of counteracting the attraction of the Prize Cattle Show, which we think fosters a rather questionable taste for looking upon "fatty deposits," we propose to institute a Prize Joke Show, and we hope that the produce of the pen of wit will be more satisfactory than the contents of all the pens in the Bazaar of Baker Street. We candidly invite competition; and though anything in the shape of "animal matter" will be rejected from a contest in which all the matter should be as _spirituel_ as possible, we can only say that _Punch_ will be happy to see any of the farfamed Suffolk Punches if, in this "keen encounter of our wits," they have the courage to show themselves.

As a specimen of the style of Joke that will be admissible into the contemplated Prize Show, we have the pleasure to "flick off" the following:--

If I want a statue of myself, why should I be foolish to present a sculptor with the marble for the work? _Answer._ Because if I did, he would be sure to chisel me out of it.

* * * * *

THE MOUSTACHE AND BEARD QUESTION.

"MR. PUNCH,--I have been, I may say from my birth--leastwise since I could stand upon a stool--a barber. I've brought up a large family (and am married again) upon shaving. To be clean shaved was the prerogative of a Briton. And now there is a movement for German beards and Cossack moustachios, which, if permitted, farewell to the British Constitution. When we look like Roossian slaves and Austrian panders, we shall feel and act like 'em. Anyways, if beards come in, barbers must go out, in which case I ask for 'demnification.

"Yours, &c."

"SIBTHORP SUDS."

"The COLONEL--(my parent was a Lincoln voter and barber)--is my godfather; which happened when the COLONEL used to go, I'm told, with as clean a face as any in the county."

* * * * *

DOCTOR WISEMAN.

On his departure from Golden Square, the subjoined notice, written in the DOCTOR'S own hand, was affixed outside his door--"Gone to Rome; will be back for mass in Westminster Abbey."

* * * * *

THE BRIGHT CITY.

The EARL OF SHAFTESBURY has volunteered an epistle eulogistic of Manchester. "Thoroughfares are opened"--says the noble lord--"courts and alleys cleansed--drains and sewers constructed," &c. &c. Nothing, according to the noble lord, will soon be wanting to Manchester to make it emphatically the Bright City; nothing but--as _Punch_ opines--a little public spirit. "The Turk may go hang so that he buys our goods." "Liberty in its highest sense, is the liberty to buy and sell." "The worst worldly evil is a bad shilling." A few of these maxims do certainly still defile the moral atmosphere of Manchester, cleansed as the air inhaled may be from the reek of cesspools. MR. BRIGHT'S hat, though covering a large, cool head, is nevertheless not big enough to extinguish the turban of Turkey. "Great spirits"--says JEAN PAUL--"are buried under golden mountains." In like manner, sympathy with a noble cause may be stifled in cotton-bags.

* * * * *

* * * * *

SOMETHING OUTRAGEOUS.

"MR. PUNCH, SIR,

"What next? Have you read the servile inscription on Marlborough House Gates?--

"'The public is _respectfully_ informed, that admission is to be procured,' &c.

"'Respectfully informed,' _Mr. Punch!_ Hity-tity! Well. This is something! Respectfully! And this is by a body of officials, and stuck on a house which is the property of a Royal Prince! The brewers and bakers and candlestick-makers are respectfully informed. Tag, rag, and bobtail are respectfully informed. The swinish multitude is respectfully informed by its own servants that it may see something it has paid for. I cannot trust myself to write. Times are changed, _Mr. Punch_, or officials are strangely altered from what they were in the time of

"Yours respectfully(!)

"_Hampton Court._ AN OLD OFFICIAL."

* * * * *

TAKEN FOR GRANTED.

We doubt whether the Great Metropolis can parallel the following choice specimen of composition, which we find in the _Morning Advertiser_ of the 16th:--

As Good Housemaid, in a small Family, where a _Footman_ is kept, who is a good _needlewoman_, who can attend _on a lady, with a good character_. Direct A. B. &c., Brompton.

We have seen footmen who were justly proud of their "pins", but never yet saw a footman who was a good needlewoman. But we quite approve of the advertiser's caution. Being a "good" housemaid, she will serve nobody but "a lady with a good character". This is very proper, and in consideration of the virtuous principle displayed, one can forgive the author's Random Recollections of LINDLEY MURRAY.

* * * * *

FLIRTING. (_By an old Hand at it._)--Flirting is a most amusing game. It is true there is nothing gained by it, but then there is nothing staked. In fact you may call it, "playing at cards for love."

* * * * *

THE SONG OF THE CITY REMEMBRANCER.

"Sweet Remembrancer! Now, good digestion wait on appetite, And health on both."--_Successful Tragedy._

The City Remembrancer's post I hold. An office that's sacred, because 'tis old; I repel, I deny the assertion base That there isn't no use in that 'ere place!

So you want to know what I've got to do? And, Imperance, what odds is that to you? But inquiry we court, as we've always done, And I scorn all concealment, myself, for one.

I am only an image, you think, like Gog, Whereas I the LORD MAYOR'S memory jog, And the Aldermen also, in banquet met, I remind of the duties which some forget.

His Lordship, for instance, perhaps I see Is getting on slow with his callipee; And a slight squeeze of lemon I then suggest, With a dash of cayenne to impart a zest.

"My Lord-eh, my Lord!" says I, "why, look there! You're a spilling your dinner, I do declare! 'Tis of haunch that you're eating; and don't you know Currant jelly should always with venison go?

"Mr. Alderman, bless me! you faint and droop, As if you could hardly get through your soup. Glass of punch, Sir, of course, with the work you've got, You have surely been absent, Sir, have you not?

"Dear me, Mr. Deputy--look, Sir, look! Excuse me; but you I must call to book: Allow me to push you the boat across, You are eating that bird, Sir, without bread-sauce!

"Here's capon, mind, gentlemen; here's black cock; This wine, recollect, is peculiar hock:-- This is peacock--that's cygnet, yon gent before, If you think you could manage a little more.

"Not feel quite the thing, don't your Lordship, eh? Hallo! bring the brandy, you Sir, this way. Now, my Lord, a small glass--just a toothful. No? Well then, come, try the least drop of Curaçoa."

But I've other duties, which I discharge In warily steering the Civic Barge Through St. Stephen's storms, whirlpools, rocks, and shoals, Safe and sound, with a cargo--we'll say--of coals.

That MAJOR BENLOW--what--OW--OWSKI, he Not half a Remembrancer ain't, to me; And I gets a small pittance for all this here, Which is under a couple of thousand a year.

* * * * *

"LEFT-OFF CLOTHES FOR THE COLONIES."

The "old clothes" fraternity are advertising very briskly for left-off clothes for the Colonies, with a view, no doubt, to a sort of Holywell Street aristocracy that some people are desirous of establishing in Australia. Considering the many scamps that have attained to wealth at the "diggins," and knowing the slavish precedence that is always accorded to the possessors of gold, we may anticipate a peerage of regular "roughs," should an "Upper Chamber" be established at the Antipodes. The old clothes movement, in taking a colonial direction, shows a sympathy with the contemplated exportations of aristocratic distinctions to the New World, at a time when the Old World is exhibiting leniency to throw aside its old worn-out habits. Among the "left off clothes" we presume it will be a good speculation to include a few "coats of arms" for the use of the Antipodean aristocracy.

* * * * *

THE ENGLISHMAN'S CASTLE.

"The Englishman's House (says the Proverb) is his Castle;" and so it is, but then it is a castle which is subject to many attacks (such as the House Tax, Poor Tax, &c. &c.), and which requires for its defence no end of shot. The expenses of its support are fearful--so much so, that frequently is the castle swallowed up in its keep.

* * * * *

A REFLECTION (_By_ MECHI).--It is not the sharpest blades that always are the truest steel.

* * * * *

* * * * *

A MIDDLESEX BALLAD.

AIR.--"_And shall_ TRELAWNEY _die_?"

A baize board and a crafty 'and, And a racing print or two; Didn't we once just understand, The sporting gents to do? And 'ave they fixed the where and when, And shall the system die? Then 'alf a thousand betting men Will know the reason why. And shall they scorn MEG, MATH, and "BEN," And shall the system die? There's 'alf a thousand in our trade Who'll know the reason why.

Out spake FLASH BILLY, blithe and bold. A horse-shoe pin wore he: "Deposits on a race to 'old Shall we no more be free? When we could grasp them in our 'and, The system used to pay; For when rum tidings reached the Strand, 'Twas--'Shutters up--away!'" And shall they scorn MEG, MATH, and "BEN," &c.

A plague upon St. Stephen's wall, Where not one cove stood true; We'll make that PALMERSTON look small. For working this 'ere screw: The Turf you 'ave betrayed, as 'ow You swear 'er lists shall die; But 'alf a thousand betting men Will know the reason why. And shall they scorn MEG, MATH, and "BEN," &c.

* * * * *

GREAT POLITENESS TO NICHOLAS.

Our own ships have waited, whilst the Russian frigate _Aurora_ has occupied a Portsmouth dock. We have supplied NICHOLAS with the work of shipwrights and the stores of our Dockyard. This is Christianlike, and according to the ABERDEEN policy expressed by the Premier at the Mansion House. It is said the Noble Earl, in the excess of his benevolence, would--if he might--even go further: not only furnishing the EMPEROR'S frigate with English stores, but with English sailors.

* * * * *

THE CITY CORPORATION.--If this Corporation is compared to PLATO's Republic, it can only be as "a KNIFE, FORK, and PLAT(E)O" one.

* * * * *

THE ROYAL EXCHANGE CLOCK.

It is a common saying in the City and elsewhere that "Time is money," and we cannot wonder at the existence of the maxim, when we look at the cost, of the representative of time at the Royal Exchange--no less than £2605 0_s._ 8_d._ having been paid for the Exchange Clock. This sum is at the rate of about £217 per hour, taking the clock to consist of the usual number of hours, or nearly £40 per minute, if we make a calculation rather more minute.

The cost of the Clock is made up of a variety of items, which, for the enlightenment of the public, we subjoin.

£ _s._ _d._ Clock 700 0 0 Alterations 224 18 6 Bells and Chimes 615 17 4 Alterations 290 0 0 Recasting 650 0 0 Refitting 124 4 10 -------------- £2605 0 8

It must be inferred from this, that after the Clocks had been purchased for £700, it resembled the donkey "what wouldn't go," and as there was nobody to cry "Gee Wo!" with the expenditure, £224 18_s._ 6_d._ was sunk in alterations. As if the Clock itself was not sufficiently costly, it was proposed to convert it into a toy by having bells and chimes attached to it, which have already caused an outlay to the tune of upwards of One Thousand Pounds--a very pretty tune, no doubt, but hitherto the only tune to which the Bells and Chimes have contributed, for they cannot be got into play anyhow. The Common Council, however, will not admit there has been anything wrong in the matter, because "PROFESSOR AIREY declares the bells and clock the most beautiful specimens of workmanship ever seen." We should have thought that bells and clocks were to be heard rather than seen; and that a clock, like the costermonger's horse, might be excused for being a "rum un to look at," if it's being a "good un to go" could be relied upon. The approval of PROFESSOR AIREY may be very satisfactory as far as it goes, but until we can look upon the loss of £2605 0_s._ 8_d._ as an airy nothing, we can hardly reconcile ourselves to the facts we have called attention to.

* * * * *

NEWS FROM THE THEATRE OF WAR.

Our latest news from the Theatre of War is from Astley's Theatre, where the War with Russia is being carried out with unflagging energy. Last night the Russians had entrenched themselves in a strong position in front of the enemy, and the Russian General, WIDDICOMB, turned the right wing--a wrong one having been turned by the negligence of a scene-shifter. The enemy were in position at nine o'clock, and a French officer made towards a standard, which he eventually carried. On Saturday afternoon a body of Russian soldiers received their pay from the treasury, which is understood to be amply supplied.

In the evening the battle was resumed with great vigour; but both parties eventually laid down their arms. The Russians were much harassed, and set fire to Moscow in several places with bits of tow steeped in spirits of wine. The city burnt with great fury for nearly an entire minute, when it was terminated by a decisive blow from the mouth of the master carpenter.

* * * * *

A POLITICAL PROBLEM SOLVED.

Why are diplomatic papers called Circular notes?--They are called _Circular_, because they frequently arrive at no definite end.

* * * * *

READING THE (DRAMATIC) STARS.

The other day we read an account of a few complimentary words having been spoken by the EMPEROR OF RUSSIA to a French Opera dancer, from which some _Gobemouche_ had drawn the inference that there would be no war between Russia and France. Upon a similar authority we might announce that there is no possibility of any collision between France and England. At one of the performances of "TOM" MATTHEWS, as English _Clown_, during his engagement in Paris, the Emperor LOUIS NAPOLEON was seen to applaud. It might also be inferred that the British Government stood pledged to support the Constitutional cause in Italy, because COSTA is a Sardinian, and is usually employed to preside at the piano when a concert is given at the Palace.

* * * * *

OUR TOURIST IN PARIS.--No. 11.

"Oh, I say!" says old MARTINGALE, bursting in upon the Tourist's morning meal, "I saw such a stunning play last night. Don't mind my weed, eh? I am not much of a playgoer myself, you know. You haven't got any Curaçoa I suppose? Oh, yes, Kirsch will do, thank you. Especially here, they speak so quick I can't follow 'em. FRANCONI'S more my line. But I tell you what, the piece last night was a fizzer, and no mistake; and a fellow sung no end of a good song in it," continued the dramatic enthusiast, jingling half-a-dozen sovereigns in his two hands in time to the tune he hummed, "Chink chink, chink chink, toodle um tum ti, chink chink, chink chink, toodle um tum ti. Clipping, by Jove; all about women not caring for love, or hops, and that kind of thing, but only for tin. How it must have riled them. I believe it's quite true, and yet--I don't know either. Some of one sort, and some of another, I suppose."

"Oh, I can't tell you the plot. It's a young fellow who goes away from home, the reprobate, and falls into what is called "bad company", and one of the bad company pretends to be spooney on him, and it's all very jolly at first. He swells about and spends a tremendous lot of tin, in the same way that TOM HILTON and fellows of that sort are doing now. Horses, and dinners, and champagne, and jewellery; nothing is too good for him. And then, to mend matters, he takes to play, and of course is extensively legged by others of the bad company, and is ruined, in short. He tries to hold on by borrowing of old _Shixty-per-Shent_, just like fellows we know in town; and he comes to grief, and the mercenary female cuts him when she finds it out; and it's very affecting. Everybody cried all round the house; and, upon my word, I couldn't help doing a little in that way myself. Now, mind you go and see it. I intend to go every night till I know that song by heart." And he went away, warbling "Chink chink, chink chink," and smacking the sovereigns in his pocket.

More difficult critics than MARTINGALE had spoken well of the last of that chain of dramas in which _Lais_ is made the heroine, and the bad or good side of her character is the point of interest. The Tourist, therefore, willingly installed himself with his double-barrel in a _fauteuil d'orchestre_, and was forced to acknowledge the admirable constructive skill with which French dramatists ply their craft. No wonder our practical fellow-countrymen are tempted to carry off such capital ready-made articles, instead of being at the pains of hatching their own clumsy originals. Equally admirable was the acting for case, gaiety, and power. At the pathetic parts the audience wept freely, as my friend had said. There was no shame or reserve. One old fellow, with a cropped head and great grizzled beard, was quite inconsolable. He mopped his face with a red cotton handkerchief, and sobbed as if his heart would break. The severe moral of the piece seemed to displease certain ladies in beautiful bonnets, who murmured disapprobation. The satire conveyed by the piquant "chink chink" was overcharged; but the honest _bourgeoisie_ drowned all discontent with obstreperous applause. They had no doubt whatever that _Lais_ was quite as bad as she was represented.

Before the audience had well dried their tears by a promenade in the _foyer_, they were all laughing themselves into fits over a comic piece--which certainly was very funny--about the children of Albion. A party of French pleasure-seekers find themselves in the full-flavoured and highly-coloured atmosphere of London, and enter an hotel kept by a lady in a straw hat and Highland kilt. (The fashions of dear old England have, apparently, varied somewhat since the wanderer left her shores.) To every demand for victual or drink made by the famished travellers, the short-petticoated lady replies that it is impossible, _parceque c'est Sonday._ And the whole party come forward to sing in the pleasant manner of French vaudevilles, _"C'est Sonday, Sonday, Sonday"_ &c. and make everybody laugh very much. Certainly it was a perfectly good natured joke, and after they had lashed themselves in the drama we could not complain of being tickled in the farce.

A nice old gentleman who occupied the next stall to the Tourist, and availed himself of Monsieur's lorgnette, asked whether we love to ridicule Frenchmen in a like manner on our stage; and, being answered in the negative, seemed disposed to congratulate himself that his countrymen were free from ridiculous customs, follies and vices.

"Pardon, my dear Sir: behold all the difference. Your writers are spiritual and ingenious, but they want one thing--conscientiousness. They care little for truth and justice if they can only say a good thing. The piece which has diverted us both so much supposes an audience as ignorant of us and of our manners as if we were Tartars or Japanese. A sketch so coarse and unfaithful could not be presented to even the least instructed play-goers of London. Forty years ago, I confess, when we had no intercourse with your charming Paris, they would have received it with delight at the first theatre of the King. But now they know too much; and any of our writers who should set himself to laugh at the grand nation without careful and candid observation of them in their own country, would be only making _himself_ ridiculous. Now the more a traveller becomes familiar with the people amongst whom he lives, the less occasion he finds to smile at their peculiarities. He discovers good sense where at first he only saw eccentricity, and the material for mockery crumbles away when he attempts to grasp it. And hence it arises, my dear Sir, that almost the only sure way to raise a laugh in England against your witty compatriots is to carry out and improve their ignorant caricatures of us."

"Monsieur, it is impossible to say anything more true or more profound. Permit me to hope that, as the two sisters recognise each other's noble traits, they will never smile to deride, but only in admiration."

* * * * *

RUSSIAN REVOLUTIONISTS.

The Russians are not commonly supposed to be revolutionists, though the slaves of a sanguinary Autocrat are just as bad as Red Republicans. However it appears that they have embraced that revolution in naval warfare which is destined to result from the adoption of COLT'S Revolver. Armed with this instrument, these tools of absolutism are likely, in effect, to prove the most destructive levellers; flooring their antagonists left and right. Should these antagonists ever be British Tars, it will be a disgrace to the Admiralty if the QUEEN'S sailors have no better weapons than the superseded old pistol and common cutlass wherewith to encounter the crew of NICHOLAS. It is to be hoped that they will be supplied, without delay, with arms that will place them on an equality with whatsoever foe they may be called upon to conquer; so that they may defy old NICHOLAS and all his crew, and repel all other assaults of the enemy.

* * * * *

TRICKS, BUT NOT HONOURS.

LORD MAYOR SIDNEY, in presiding the other day at a meeting of those very common people, the Common Council, expressed himself excessively "anxious for the honour of the Corporation." We are delighted to have it in our power to relieve LORD SIDNEY from further solicitude, by entreating him to cease from all anxiety for "the honour" of the Corporation, as we can assure him that the alleged cause of his anxiety does not exist.

* * * * *

THE DANGERS OF INFANCY.

The two serpents that HERCULES strangled in his cradle were a couple of bottles of DAFFY'S ELIXIR and GODFREY'S CORDIAL. If he hadn't killed them, they would have killed him.

* * * * *

THE OLDEST LAWYER.

We see announced the "Death of the Oldest Lawyer." How old he was, we cannot say--but we always thought "The Oldest Lawyer" what is properly called "THE NICK OF TIME."

* * * * *

* * * * *

A DONKEY AND A MAYOR.

PLUTARCH delighted in parallels: _Punch_ takes pleasure in the like intellectual exercise. Our friend of the _Notes and Queries_ speaks of a "vast _quantity_ of donkeys" at Malvern (for at that favoured place donkeys are measured by the peck and bushel). And amongst these donkeys was, until lately, a very superior ass named, for certain achievements performed in the cause of the late QUEEN ADELAIDE, the "_Royal_ Moses." It seems that the good QUEEN was wont to be carried on the back of Moses--at the time simply Moses, and no more--to the summit of the thymy hills of Malvern; Moses, no doubt, inwardly rejoiced and comforted by a knowledge, or at least suspicion, of the preciousness of the burden (for he carried £100,000 per annum) that honoured him; for even asses have shrewd instincts in the presence of the Royal and the great. Well, HER MAJESTY being about to leave Malvern, rewards the old woman whose property Moses is: at the same time, with her wonted benevolence, inquiring if she could do any further service, likely, in this world of nice distinctions, to give--in return for the many rides on Moses--the old woman a lift. After a while, pondering the matter, the old woman said--"Please your BLESSED MAJESTY, give a name to my donkey." Now, as the animal was an ass upon four legs, there was no precedent for bestowing upon him a baronetcy or even a knighthood: he could not be called SIR MOSES ASINUS, BART.--neither dubbed simply SIR MOSES. Otherwise, in the latter case, we doubt not the good-natured QUEEN, calling for a bulrush from the ponds of Malvern, the donkey sagaciously going upon his knees, would have been melodiously commanded to "Rise, SIR MOSES." The four legs, however, stood in the way of such an honour. Therefore, QUEEN ADELAIDE, looking benevolently upon the donkey, said--"Henceforth, be known to all men as the ROYAL MOSES." A peck of beans would, probably have been quite as acceptable as the regal prefix; nevertheless, the ass--like the ass of _Peter Bell_--

"---- the ass, with motion dull, Turn'd, on the pivot of his skull, His long left ear!"

The dignity was thus loyally acknowledged by the ennobled donkey, and QUEEN ADELAIDE departed. And the glory of the Royal Moses grew exceeding bright. Everybody would ride him. "That roan shall be my throne," cries _Hotspur_. "For that Moses I proposes," cried every Cockney visitor. What was the result? No ass could bear to be so put upon. The ass died; but--it is said--has left several sons behind him; one and all called, even as the sire, "The Royal Moses". But this is a miserable imposture--an ignorant, wretched ambition. Asses--assuredly asses on four legs--have no hereditary titles. There can be but one Royal Moses--the sons are simply donkeys, and no more.

And London supplies a parallel with Malvern. Once upon a time there was a Mayor. Now, this Mayor would take upon himself the burden of the reputation of a Royal Prince; would carry it at public meetings; would especially insist on trotting with it into Hyde Park? And for what purpose? We--_Punch_--have written to the old woman at Malvern, the owner of the dead Royal Moses, to inquire of her--(for at a critical moment she proved herself a shrewd, worldly-wise old woman)--to inquire her opinions upon the conduct of our MAYOR, self-burthened with the crystal glory of a gracious PRINCE. We have received her answer, and duly give it:--

"TO MR. PUNCH,--The owner of the Royal Moses as was, of QUEEN ADELAIDE of blessed memory [_this is writ for me by the Parish Clerk_], presents her duty to _Mr. Punch_, and searching her own bosom for what was there when she was emboldened to ask a favour of HER MAJESTY--

"The owner of the Royal Moses as was (his sons are like him, as beans are like beans) thinks the MARE as _will_ trot about with the PRINCE, only does it that he may--copying of me--say, 'Please your Royal Highness to give a name to my donkey, or mare, as the case may be.'

"And this, _Mr. Punch_, is my belief, judging from the secrets of my own breast. And am

"Your Humble and Dutiful Servant, "The owner of the Royal Moses, "Her X mark."

"P.S.--Donkeys always on hand."

"Thus, the old dame of Malvern, divining aright, our CHALLIS may ask, or hint--"Please your Royal Highness, give a handle to my challice".

* * * * *

OBITUARY A LITTLE IN ADVANCE.

Died the other day, by Act of Parliament, that time-honoured old nuisance, the City of London: very sincerely execrated by all who knew it, its civic brethren alone perhaps excepted. Though sudden at last, its death, by no means, was an unexpected one: for in the public estimation it was known that the deceased had long been sinking. Among the causes which chiefly led to its dissolution, we believe especial prominence must be given to its fondness for good living. Its favourite dish perhaps was turtle soup, of which its consumption was habitually enormous. We believe it has been even known to devour as many as four hundred quarts at a single dinner.

Gluttony, however, was not its only failing. Its love of "good things" was by no means confined to those of the dinner-table: for its appetite for venison was more than equalled by its thirst for wealth. We might enumerate many acts of extortion by which its existence was rendered infamous. The blackest of these however was, we think, its coal-tax; of which its imposition was regarded as such, in more than one sense of the substantive, being justly complained of, as a burning shame, by all who suffered from it.

Another failing of the deceased was its utter want of taste--in everything but what had emanated from the kitchen. Of this the strongest instance was its strenuous upholding of Temple Bar: an ugly structure, but for the keeping up of which people had to pay pretty handsomely. Nor was its sense of smell less impaired, apparently, than that of taste: as was shown especially by the strange degree of fondness it evinced for Smithfield Market, although that place was continually in bad odour.

Throughout its existence, the deceased was extremely subject to fits--of indiscretion--which it is thought materially impaired its constitution. Perhaps the most distressing of these was that which annually recurred on the 9th of November, when it experienced for hours a congestion of its arteries, which seriously impeded its vital circulation. In some of its later paroxysms, the deceased so far forgot itself as to betray a slight attention to the Arts, to which it previously had maintained the most complete indifference--except, indeed, to that which we now see daily advertised as the "Art of Dining."

It is expected that the funeral will take place in the middle of next week, when the LORD MAYOR of course will officiate as Chief Mourner. Service will be performed by one of the Sheriffs, whose officers have long discharged that duty. We are not aware that any monument will be erected to the deceased, though a column to its memory will probably be placed in the pages of our contemporaries.

* * * * *

TEMPLE-BAR MUST BE REMOVED.

The past week affords another argument for the removal of Temple-Bar. On Tuesday last, a distinguished Alderman having to go west, was stopped by the fog at Temple-Bar. Fog and alderman were both so thick, it was impossible that both could go through together. We have not heard how the dilemma was settled.

* * * * *

THE PRESENT FASHION OF BONNETS.--A lady dresses first, and then puts on her bonnet. The bonnet is, now, completely an "after-thought."

* * * * *

GREAT THEATRICAL EVENT.--The last week has produced an entirely new--translator!

* * * * *

THE FRENCH "FUSION" AT FROHSDORF.

The papers announced the other day in "second editions," by "submarine and electric telegraph," the important fact that "the DUKE DE NEMOURS had called on the COUNT DE CHAMBORD at Frohsdorf;" and a subsequent communication brought the equally important intelligence that the PRINCE DE CHAMBORD had since returned the call. How it can signify to Europe in general, or to England in particular, to be told that these two princes are now on visiting terms is a puzzle to us, who look upon the affair with as much unconcern as we should have felt at the intimation that JONES had been to ROBINSON'S, and that ROBINSON had returned JONES'S card. We suppose, however, that the electric telegraph will speedily be put into requisition to communicate the progress of the fusion through all its stages, from the first interchange of the conventional pasteboard, to the final drawing up of a family compact. We shall expect to meet with such passages as the following in the columns of our contemporaries before the end of the month:--

"_By Submarine and Electric Telegraph._--The COUNT DE CHAMBORD asked the DUKE DE NEMOURS to breakfast this morning, and the DUKE DE NEMOURS returned the compliment by inviting the PRINCE DE CHAMBORD to tea in the afternoon."

"_By Special Courier from Vienna._--The representative of the elder branch of the House of Bourbon has offered a cigar to the representative of the Orleans family, who has acknowledged the courtesy by presenting his illustrious relative with a _fusee_ to light his Havannah.

"_Latest from Frohsdorf._--The COUNT DE CHAMBORD and the DUKE DE NEMOURS are now, at near midnight, drinking grog together. The elder branch poured in the water; the younger branch has added the spirits; each of the royal personages acted as spoon, and after a stirring interview of several seconds, the fusion may be considered to have been complete."

* * * * *

SHOCKING LOW CHURCH!

It is proposed by certain well-meaning persons, to erect ragged churches on purpose only for the poor, the wretched, and the ragged. Probably a church of this sort will be built in the district of ST. GILES; to be dedicated, however, in honour of ST. JAMES, the patron saint, whatever his square may think, of ill-dressed church-goers. We are getting on in matters of this kind. We are making a sort of railway progress. By and by we shall have churches for different sets of people; first, second, and third class churches. They will be churches of different orders, not only architectural but social. Perhaps the third class won't be covered in, and in that case it might be constructed on the simplest model of a Greek Temple; the rather, as the whole arrangement would certainly look somewhat pagan.

Matters being thus in train--rather on the broad gauge line, with an inferior terminus, some may say--the adoption of steam-organs might be suggested, together with the substitution of locomotives for clergymen, as soon as scientific improvement shall enable us to construct such engines, capable of performing their duties mechanically.

The Ragged Churches, we suppose, will be built of ragstone; the pulpit-cushion, the altar-cloth, will be all rags. The clergy will officiate in tatters; so as to preclude the possibility of any surplice controversy, by rendering it impossible to tell what kind of vestments they have on. The church will be ragged, the parson ragged, the congregation ragged--all ragged together. Perhaps, also, the doctrine ought, in a manner, to be ragged too; for, suppose the Church Triumphant to correspond to the Church Militant, and it would be requisite to preach a Ragged Heaven. And though there is one place for the poor and another for the rich in this world, it will be well for the rich if there is not one place for themselves and another for the poor in the next.

* * * * *

HOW TO PROLONG THE LIFE OF A SECRET.

If a secret is a little weak, and looks as if it was likely to die, there is nothing for recovering it equal to a cup of tea--but then the tea must be administered by the hand of a lady, rather advanced in years. After a cup or so, the secret will imbibe fresh strength, and will be good for, at least, another ten years. N.B. This remedy has never been known to fail, more especially if there happen to be two or three elderly ladies present, and they take good care, at the time the secret is recovering, to give the poor thing plenty of circulation.

* * * * *

THE AUTOCRAT'S ANTHEM.

For Law and Ruth, and Faith and Truth, With my jackboot's heel I'll spurn 'em! March, my Cossacks, o'er the Pruth, _Non confundar in æternum!_ Hot with blood-drouth from North and South, Let my grim field-batteries thunder Chorus from each iron mouth, _In æternum non confundar!_

No laurels grow in Russian snow, Southwards I must look to earn 'em By cheating friend and robbing foe-- _Non confundar in æternum!_ Rich Jassy's plain I want for grain, Bucharest I want for plunder; I've knouts for all who dare complain-- _In æternum non confundar!_

What treaties make for me, I take, What against me make, I burn 'em; I burrow where I cannot break-- _Non confundar in æternum!_ With half the West in neutral rest, T'other half in active blunder ('Tis hard to say which serves me best)-- _In æternum non confundar!_

COUNT NESSELRODE my rights has showed; Who to ridicule dares turn 'em? I but claim debts most clearly owed-- _Non confundar in æternum!_ A new crusade I preach to aid Christians by vile Turks kept under, Whom I'd convert by cannonade-- _In æternum non confundar!_

PETER THE GREAT left words of weight (All of ROMANZOFF race learn 'em), Foreshadowing Russia's glorious fate; (_Non confundar in æternum!_) Which is to be Suzerain in fee, O'er all Europe's tracts, that sunder The Baltic from the Euxine Sea. (_In æternum non confundar!_)

Me it doth irk, to see the Turk, (_Abeit mox in infernum!_) Set himself against this Holy Work-- (_Non confundar in æternum!_) Check with a lath a torrent's wrath, If it sweep you off what wonder? Such is the Turk who'd stop my path-- _In æternum non confundar!_

Finland is ours; Denmark our powers, Or has learnt, or soon shall learn 'em; Poland beneath our Eagle cowers,-- (_Non confundar in æternum!_) The Euxine's gates are Russian straits; (Thanks to English heads so dunder) By us choked up the Danube waits-- _In æturnum non confundar!_

Who checks my course? Use fraud and force-- Bribe 'em--beat 'em--brand 'em--burn 'em! The Russian's God knows no remorse, (_Non confundar in æternum!_) Forth with the sword, the knout, the cord, Hang, and scourge, and hew asunder! With rites like these while I'm adored-- _In æturnum non confundar!_

* * * * *

A HOUSE MADE OF PAPER.

We read in _Household Words_ an account of a house sent over to Australia, which was made, chimney-pots and all, entirely of paper. This is not the first establishment of the kind that has been so constructed, for looking at Austria, who never has any money, and is always begging for money, may we not say that the House of Hapsburgh wouldn't be standing at the present moment, if it wasn't for paper?

* * * * *

MODERN PHILOSOPHY.--The Gammon of BACON.

* * * * *

* * * * *

MRS. JANE GIMLET ON "STRIKES."

"_Yeast Lane, Grinnidge, twenteseckundnowemberhatinfiftethre._

"HONNERD MISTUR PUNCH,

"Umbly thankin u for puttin of my last in blak an wite, wich it were red in our lane an give grate satisfakshun, i make so bold as trubbel u wuns more. In coorse, Surr, the prise of coles cant be unbeknown to u, wich alone in this bitter wether is bad enuf, speshully to wan like me as takes in a litel washin wich i will be appy to get up yours at a shillin a dozzen, ceptin shirts an tabul linen, an have a good dryin ground an no washin powders, wich is a destruction to fine fronts, used, but am in consekens very subjick to goin out in the dryin ground without my bonnet, an ave the plumbago an Asiatick panes in my hips werry bad. To such as me dere coles is bad enuf, but wen they cum upon the quartern lofe at ninepenshapeny, dips at hatepens, wich may seme a lite matter, but is not, and all other things risin too for cumpany's sake, it makes me wunder how JON an me an our siks shall hever get hover our merry Krismas and appy new yere, and the frost an starvashun an all the hother complemens of the seeson. An so the hother hevenin as me an JON an our siks was all in bed afore our husiwal time, a goin to try if we could dreme of a warm fire an a bit of supper wich as dremes mostly goes by contrairies we wos werry like to do, I sez to JON sez I, Wot makes coles so dere? Is it the LORD MARE a fetherin of his nest by taxin of em, an callin it his dooty? If wun of his dooties is taxin pore peepul's coles, I wunder wot the others is, I sez, or air the Turks an Rooshans a goin to fite by steme? I sez, not that i thort so, but i wanted to cheer up JON who were terribul cast down, poor feller!

"No, sez JON, it haint. Colliers have struk work and coles is riz accordin. Then, i sez, its a burnin shame an i wont abear it. It haint no ways strange that Turks an Rooshans who air heathens born should squabbel and fite, an raise the price o' bred for they air savages an 'tis their natur so,' as DOCTOR WOTSISNAME sez in the him, but that sum of our hone pore peepul as ave shared the bred of afflikshun with hus, wen their worn't too much to share neither, an nose wot our sufferins must be, should go an raise the price of coles upon hus, is agin all natur. But, sez JON, colliers ave struk for wages an u cant blame them for that. Indede I do JON, sez I, an I spoke hup for I new JON an his mates wos thinkin of a strike. Indede I do, Wot good did strikes hever do the pore? Tisnt honely in coles JON as strikes is goin on, but in hother trades, and in hall on em tis the men and their wives an children an not the masters as suffers. If the masters wanted the men werry much as they wood if trade wos brisk they wood ave riz wages without a strike, but hoffen an hoffen a strike helps masters to get rid of men they don't want, but wouldn't like to turn hoff. Strikes makes coles dere, and likewise heverything helse as the men gives hover makin. But who gets the hextra price of the coles and the factory goods? Why the masters that larf at the pore fules of men that air takin bred hout of their famlies mouths and hout of hour mouths too, to put it hinto theirn. But the men, JON, gets nothin by a strike, but time to lounge about publicks, an spend their litel savins an spout their close an things, an drors on their club till they brakes it, and praps jines a riot an brakes the winders or the lor, an so gets theirselves into prizzen, an their families into that ouse of bondage the workus. An here I could speke no more for cryin, but woke our siks wich cried too, speshully litel TOMEE, our heldest, as ave a broken chilblane, and air frakshus, an so we cried hourselves to slepe, an I ope u will print this letter that peepul may see were a strike falls hardest, and take warnin, tho it be from ure umbel chareoman.

"JANE GIMLET."

* * * * *

"GOOD" OF THE GIBBET.

A miserable Creature stole a watch under the gibbet at the late hanging. ALDERMAN HUMPHERY, on the Bench, said--"You came out to witness the execution of a fellow-creature, but it does not appear to have done you _any good_." How odd! Certainly, no good: for the thief, with his hand upon the watch, only thought of time, the hangman vainly preaching eternity.

* * * * *

WHEN!--When a woman listens to you, she is criticising you.

* * * * *

* * * * *

SCENES AT THE JUDGES' CHAMBERS.

The "grandeur of the law," however obvious it may be when represented by ermine (at a guinea a yard) and horsehair (at fifteen shillings a pound) in Westminster Hall, is certainly not very adequately supported at the Judges' Chambers. These judicial tenements are situated in the vicinity of Clifford's Inn, and are, every afternoon, the rendezvous of much of the riff-raff of the attorneys' offices--for any seedy clerk is considered qualified to "go before the Judge" at Chambers.

Even the Judge himself appears to adapt his costume to his company, for the scarlet robe is usually superseded by the paletot, and those who see dignity in the full-bottomed wig look for it in vain in the brown scratch or the napless gossamer. The whole affair has the aspect of a crowd just rushed out of Holywell Street, or preparing to make an excursion to the Minories--an idea to which the abundance of Caucasian noses lends encouragement.

* * * * *

AN IMPORTANT NOTE AND QUERY.

According to the return moved for by MR. HUME, we find that, including Porters, and Gentlemen to Great Seal, Sealer and Deputy Sealer, Chaffwax and Deputy Chaffwax, (what on earth _is_ a Deputy Chaffwax???) Clerk of the Hanaper, and Deputy Clerk of the Hanaper, Ushers, Heralds, Garter Kings at Arms, Purse-bearers, Marshals, Lord Chancellors, Engrossing Clerks, Attorney-Generals, stamps, taxes, and other equally necessary and indispensable persons, places, and things--the making of a Baron is done for the trifling charge of £420. Thanks to MR. HUME, we are put in possession of this Hume-orous document. But the most important question to an Englishman remains unsolved; and MR. BULL requests us to make inquiries, whether it will cost him this great sum before he can make his appearance at the Royal table on Christmas Day next, as a Baron of Beef?

* * * * *

A TALLEYRANDISM.--The worst form of borrower is he who borrows with the intention of repaying, for you know he intends to borrow again.

* * * * *

VISIT OF THE THAMES AND MEDWAY

TO THE

ROYAL COMMISSIONERS OF THE CITY.

The inhabitants of Parliament Street were lately thrown into a state of great excitement by the appearance of a lady and gentleman, who came out of one of the lanes leading from the river, and asked every one whom they met to show them where the Royal Commissioners were sitting. The gentleman, who rather surlily informed the too curious crowd that he was FATHER THAMES, was attired in a quaint and singular garb. "All round his head" he wore, not merely "a green willow," but a profusion of reeds, rullies, and osiers, whilst his feet and legs were thickly coated with mud and sand, which made one of the bystanders (a Common Councilman on his way to the Commissioners) observe, that "the stranger's lower extremities were most in need of the _hosiers_." His waist was garnished by a quantity of bricks, beams, planks, and piles, strung round him without any regard to order or symmetry, and, by their bulk and weight, greatly impeding his progress. He carried his well-known urn under his arm, like an opera hat; but, on passing a window in which RANSOME'S Patent Filters were exposed for sale, he looked wistfully at them, and observed to his companion, that he should like to swop the urn against one. A Kentish farmer (one of a deputation who had been explaining to the Home Secretary the connection between the Bank Charter and the disease in the hops) recognised in the lady an old friend named MEDWAY, who is in the habit of staying on his estate for some months in every year. She had dressed her head with wild-flowers of every hue; her gown "was a blue watered silk; and from her waist hung, by way of _châtelaine_, a string of locks. A number of keys graced her companion's girdle", but we are unable to say if his quays belonged to her locks.

Upon the introduction of these illustrious characters to the Royal Commission the usual question--"Have you anything to say about the Corporation?"--was put to them, and FATHER THAMES at once gave his evidence, in his usual flowing style:

"Had for many years been committed to the care of the Corporation, but had received at their hands nothing but ill treatment. Remembered that many aquatic plants once adorned the whole course of his stream. Had been told by worthy MASTER CAMDEN that those curious botanists, DR. PLUKENET and MR. DOODY, found on the Thames at Westminster, bitter cresses, the three-cornered bulrush, the water reed grass with an oat-like pannicle, and a great pond-weed with pellucid leaves. Believed that the same locality could not now produce a reed worth a rush. Remembered that salmon, lampreys, mullet, and other fish, used to ascend his stream above Westminster, until the Corporation suffered that stream to be polluted by various abominations. Never saw any fish now, excepting those which were thrown in, dead, by the clerk of the markets. Had heard of Whitebait; but had never seen any. Believed them to be no fish--but a composition of lard, flour, and gold-beaters' skin. Had some Swans still, but they never sang now. Did not think any one would listen to them if they did, as 'The Song of the Turtle' had superior attractions. Remembered to have heard three of them singing 'Water parted from the Sea,' to MR. POPE, one evening, at Twickenham. On another occasion, had heard TAYLOR, the Water Poet, trying to teach them 'A Boat, a Boat unto the Ferry.' Believed they ceased to sing when the City gave up its poet laureate. Thought there should be Writers to the Cygnet in London, as well as in Edinburgh, but they must not write in Scotch, as the swans would sing no Scotch song, except, perhaps, "Wha'll buy Caller Herrin?" Had not seen a Naiad for many years, and thought the last had emigrated to Ball's Pond, and set up as a clear starcher. Had been much reduced in size by these and other troubles, but regretted to say the Corporation had taken advantage of his diminished channel to build upon his sides. Had been accused of shifting his bed. So would the Corporation, if their bed had been filled with mud and shingle. Thought they should have kept his bed cleaner. Would like to alter the old proverb, for their benefit, and wished that 'as they had made his bed, so they might lie in it.'"

FATHER THAMES having concluded his evidence, his sister MEDWAY was about to offer her statement of grievances, when an usher announced that the WATER BAILIFF was coming up stairs. Upon which the two rivers, with, fear and perturbation in their countenances, scuttled out of a side door in dread of meeting that terrible functionary.

* * * * *

A BAD SPEC.

News has arrived that "the Russians had invested Giurgevo, but were not strong enough to attack." We can only say that the "investment" must have been rather an unprofitable affair.

* * * * *

THE EXCHANGE CHIMES.

MR. PUNCH is happy to announce that the difficulties which have so long prevented the Royal Exchange Chimes from being completed have been removed, and that the following airs, appropriate to the present condition of City politics, will immediately be heard from the GRESHAM tower. The contractor gives hopes that the new year will be played in by them.

THE DAYS OF OTHER MAYORS.

AIR.--"_The Light of other Days._"

The days of other Mayors have faded, And Aldermen are past; The Cit who hopes to do as _they_ did, Is hoping much too fast. For London dooms the clique to ruin. She'll mind her own affairs; And the Mansion House see no renewing The days of other Mayors.

* * *

THOSE GRESHAM CHIMES.

AIR.--"_Evening Bells._"

Those GRESHAM Chimes, those GRESHAM Chimes! They take us back to TUDOR times, When Merchant Princes felt no shame To bear a civic magnate's name.

That name has sunk below disdain, No GRESHAM dons the civic chain, A Merchant Prince as soon would wear The garb of Beadle as of Mayor.

But Mayors and such will soon be gone, A new _régime_ is coming on; We'll hope to hear, in better times, Some GRESHAM hailed by GRESHAM Chimes.

* * *

THE CURFEW.

AIR.--"_The Curfew tolls the knell of parting day._"

The Curfew tolls the knell of those whose day Is done--those greedy "creatures on our lee"-- Woe to the burly phalanx so _au fait_ At hiding callipash and callipee. E'en GOG himself looks lively with affright, And MAGOG scarce his spike-stuck weapon holds; For CORNEWALL LEWIS sits, prepared to write, And PATTESON an awful scroll unfolds.

* * *

LAMENT OF LORD MAYOR'S DAY.

AIR.--"_Woodpecker._"

I knew by the smile that derisively curled On the PATTESON lip, that my downfall was near, When he said, "I can't see the least use in the world Of that gew-gaw procession you mount every year." My half-hearted advocate feebly replied, About wantonly sapping the customs of yore-- But I said, "If there's peace to be found in Cheapside, I shan't be disturbing it many times more."

* * *

WHAT DO THE BELLS SAY?

The people want gardens, Says the bells of St. Martin's. Townsfolk look palely, Says the bells of Old Bailey. Not if they're rich, Says the bells of Shoreditch. Then they come out to me, Says the bells of Chelsea. Or with me take a bed, Says the bells of Hampstead. But in close London dwellins Says the bells of St. Helen's. How _do_ they draw breath? Says the bells of St. Faith. Bless'd if I know. Says the Great Bell of Bow.

* * * * *

PENAL DANCING FOR THE PROTECTION OF WOMEN.

In a quadrille--composed, we think, by the ingenious M. JULLIEN--a lively and diverting effect is produced by the cracking of a whip, which forms an accompaniment of the tune which the company are supposed to dance to.

WILLIAM CURTIS, a tailor, according to the Police Reports, was brought the other day before the LORD MAYOR, at the Mansion House, for having cruelly beaten and attempted to murder his wife; who stated on evidence--which was corroborated by a policeman--that he ripped up her stays with a penknife, took the bone out of them, and beat her with the bone till it broke in three pieces; then beat her with her hair-brush, dragged her out of bed, tried to strangle her, and beat her again with a large square-cut stick--declaring that if she dared to call out for assistance he would dance upon her body.

The quadrille above-mentioned supplies a hint in regard to MR. CURTIS'S notion of a dance. MR. WILLIAM CURTIS is an uneducated man. He has not been taught how to behave himself to the gentler sex. He wants a little instruction in deportment, to which dancing should be added, as his ideas concerning that accomplishment are evidently barbarous. MR. CURTIS should have been sent to MR. CALCRAFT'S Dancing Academy, and there have been taught to dance with fettered heels to the smack of the lash resounding on his own bare back.

The LORD MAYOR consigned MR. CURTIS to Holloway Prison and hard labour for six months, to give him, as his Lordship said, an opportunity for reflection and repentance. But the dancing lessons--two, or even three, perhaps, would not have been too many--were wanting to render the reflection profitable and the repentance sincere. They would have given him an opportunity for reflecting on the nature of stripes and blows, and for repenting of having inflicted such injuries on a woman.

Another tailor, JAMES WRIGHT, also brought before the LORD MAYOR on the same day for the like offence, had hit his wife twice on the head with a sleeveboard, cutting open her skull in three places, had struck her with his fist in the face, and continued to knock her about for three or four minutes. At the Thames Police Office, likewise on the same day, JAMES CROPLEY, a Lancashire collier, was charged with committing an assault upon his wife, which consisted in felling her to the earth by dealing her a blow in the face with a heavy stick that knocked her nose flat. Six months' imprisonment and hard labour only, were the sentences on these gentlemen also. No blame to the MAYOR or the Magistrate. The law at present unfortunately does not empower them to enter such savages at the School of Correction for the extra of penal dancing.

Since these cases, others of similar atrocity have occurred, and continue to occur so frequently as to suggest the existence of a downright mania for wife-beating. In other forms of mania the whip has happily been disused; but it is the only cure for this. There is clearly no other help. Cure?--preventive we should rather say. Dastards--with the fear of the scourge before their eyes--have ceased to assail the Royal person, and would very soon begin to respect that of the mere female subject. Thus the possibility of being whipped would restrain them from rendering themselves liable to whipping; a consideration which quite conquers the repugnance one feels at the thought of lashing a human being--if such a phrase can be applied to a brute. Whipcord, therefore, would never, probably, have to whistle, or thong to crack, to the howl of any such ruffian after all: but, if occasion were given for such music, we must say our ears would not be too delicate to bear it.

The present HOME SECRETARY is evidently determined to keep his department in order, and may doubtless be depended upon for making Home tolerable to a poor woman, in as far as he can, by warranting her such protection as a cat-o'-nine-tails can afford against the ferocity of a brutal husband.

* * * * *

THAT'S THE WAY THE MONEY GOES.

A law-suit has lately been reported in all the papers, with the appropriate heading of "MONEY _versus_ MONEY." Considering that law is generally the madness of many for the gain of the few--namely the lawyers--we think Money against Money would be a good title to almost every cause that is tried.

* * * * *

THE LORDSHIP OF LONDON.

The pageant of the "LORD OF MISRULE" was one of the zanyisms of the middle ages. The thing, if not the name, still survives in the LORD MAYOR'S Show.

* * * * *

A DECIDED FOOL.--The man is a fool who, when asked for his candid opinion, gives it.

* * * * *

THE SCOTCH PEERAGE IN PERIL.

Scotland, having begun to complain of its wrongs, seems in danger of being inundated by incessant showers of grievances. We cannot be surprised that Scotland should itch to have her injuries redressed; and we have now another to add to the long catalogue of complaints that have recently issued from the North Britishers. The following paragraph from the _Spectator_ of last week brings to light a new calamity:--

"The floor of the picture gallery in Holyrood Palace is become so rotten and unsafe, that when Peers assemble to elect a representative, the greatest caution is requisite to prevent disaster. The Commissioners of Woods and Forests are about to provide the proper remedy of a new floor."

It is evident from the above account, that there is something very rotten in the foundation which the Scotch Peers have to rest upon. It would seem that when the Scotch lairds assemble to elect a representative, they are obliged to "tread softly," not because theirs is "hallowed ground," but because it is crumbling away like the rottenest specimen of a Pierage which the banks of the Thames, with its tottering tiers of worn-out barges, could furnish. We can imagine the heavy Scotch Peers proceeding to an election with such caution, as to be compelled to avoid every hole in the floor, lest any of them should inadvertently put their foot in it. We shall not be surprised to hear, some day, that when the members had assembled on the floor of the house for the despatch, of business, they went completely through with it.

* * * * *

THE "FUSION" OF THE BEERBUNG COUSINS.

(_From our Rotherhithe Correspondent._)

"I hasten to inform you of an event, which, if the estimate of the actors themselves is to be taken, will cause the utmost excitement throughout this country and the Continent. On this subject your readers will be judges--in a petty locality small things seem large--and the preternatural importance which is here given to it may deceive me into false calculations.

"You, like the rest of the world, are well aware that a feud of no ordinary virulence has subsisted between the elder and younger branches of the house of BEERBUNG, which so long supplied all the Publicans (and a good many of the sinners) to this locality, and indeed dictated to the magistrates of Limehouse, and defied the authorities of the Commercial Docks. You remember that when LEWIS BEERBUNG lost his license, and the 'King's Head' was shut up, things went on anyhow in the parish; everybody opened public-houses, keeping the shutters down Sunday and week-day alike, and at last we hardly knew whether our heads were on our shoulders or not. Then the military came in, and we got on better; and, subsequently, the other LEWIS BEERBUNG (who was given to oysters) and his brother, CHARLES DICKS, had the 'King's Head' again. DICKS took in preachers, and cheated in his measures, and at last ran off to Scotland; and then the house was let to a third LEWIS, who was son to the first LEWIS BEERBUNG'S younger brother, a very bad fellow, of whom JACK KETCH had the last accounts. The BEERBUNGS were always a queer set, and this third LEWIS, though a clever fellow, could not keep the house (which he had named the 'Pear and Umbrella'), but had to run for it, and was made bankrupt under the name of SMITH. Then the whole affair was altered: a committee was appointed to manage the house, which had a new sign, the 'Three Jolly Colours:' and since that the chairman has kicked out the rest of the managers, and has got the licence transferred to himself. The house is now the 'Bee and Bayonet,' and seems to be carried on to the satisfaction of the neighbourhood. Very good order is kept; the chairman, who was formerly in the Ham, and, indeed, sausage line, has married a very nice woman, and tries to keep friends with the most respectable people about. Indeed, his behaviour to a rich and rascally tallow-monger, who has been trespassing on the land of some poor neighbours, and stealing their turkey, has sent up UNLIMITED LOO, as he's called, in the estimation of all decent folks. Anyhow, he has got the house which was the 'King's Head,' and, while he gives Imperial measures, will keep it.

"But as the BEERBUNGS are irrevocably kicked out of the house, they comfort themselves by squabbling with one another, and talking as if the question was which had a right to the fixtures. SMITH, the bankrupt, is dead, but has left a lot of sons, not bad fellows, but with very little brains among them. And there is a cousin of their's, who at present calls himself SHAMBORE (but I am told is a real bore to any one who has to spend the evening with him), and he comes from the elder branch of the BEERBUNGS, and claims to be the head of the family. SHAMBORE and SMITH'S boys have hitherto been at daggers drawn, and making everybody laugh at their absurd quarrels. SHAMBORE has settled just outside the parish, and is always sticking up placards, some of them very profane, abusing LOO, or anybody who happened for the time to have the 'King's Head.' He lives at a place called Frowsy Wharf, and behaves as stuck-up as if the parish belonged to him; sees people with his hat on; and has got a long story about some miraculous hair oil which he says will never dry off his head. Some think he is cracked. The SMITH boys used to make all sorts of game of him, and call him 'FATTY,' and, when their father had the house, they used to stone any one who went to see him.

"But somehow, SHAMBORE and the SMITHS have made it up. Why, nobody knows; but it is thought that the tallow-monger has been at them, and has promised to stand something handsome if they will unite to bring actions of trespass against LOO. However, be this as it may last week down comes one of SMITH'S sons--who calls himself (for they have all _aliases_) KNEE MOORE--to Frowsy Wharf, in his best clothes, and all being arranged, knocks three knocks--no more nor less--at SHAMBORE'S front door. He would not knock two knocks, for fear of being thought a postman; and SHAMBORE would not let him knock four, because that would be coming the swell too much. SHAMBORE was peeping over the blind (which had crochet lilies on it), but of course MOORE pretended not to see him. The maid opened the door, and MOORE asked if MR. SHAMBORE was in. 'What name, Sir?' says the girl. But SHAMBORE had bolted through the back parlour, and was standing on the stairs. 'What do I see?' he shouts out. 'Come in by all means;' and he comes down exactly four stairs--no more--and waits for the other. MOORE will not take off his hat until the door is shut, for fear the neighbours should think he's nobody, but he hangs it on a peg, and makes SHAMBORE a bow.

"'I am glad to call on the head of my family,' says MOORE, kicking out his leg behind, and making the girl laugh. SHAMBORE makes him say it again, pretending to be deaf. Then they shake hands, and the girl is sent out for beer, and they sit down and drink bad luck to UNLIMITED LOO, and may he soon lose his licence. And it seems they have arranged that, if they can kick LOO out, and get the house, SHAMBORE'S to keep it for the good of the family, until a boy--a son of MOORE'S elder brother--is old enough to take the licence; and, to prevent danger, if SHAMBORE'S wife dies he is not to marry again. The precious couple sat a long time, and MOORE brought in MRS. MOORE, and they all grew as thick as thieves; and when going away, MOORE, who was tipsy, said he had made a bridge, or was going over the bridge, or something which could not quite be understood. Meantime, LOO has told the police to keep a sharp look-out on the cousins, and it will be wiry times for them if they are laid hold of."

* * * * *

TWO GREAT QUESTIONS.

There are two great questions which at present address themselves to the political mind, and they are both in connexion with wages. Without entering into the merits of either, we may say that in England the great question is, "How wages are?" and in Turkey, "How wages war?"

* * * * *

LOVE IN LOW LIFE.

Whether much love prevails on both sides between husband and wife among the inferior classes, properly so called, of this country, may be questioned, but there is no doubt that the wives, at least, are much smitten.

* * * * *

THE PORTE IN BOTTLE.

If Turkey can be enabled to hold her own a few years longer, she will, there are good reasons for hoping, arrive at a high state of civilization. There is little doubt that the Ottoman Porte will improve by keeping.

* * * * *

FOOD FOR IMPROVEMENT.--A certain Mare in London must be rather badly off; for its chief present nourishment is chaff.

* * * * *

* * * * *

ST. CECILIA AND ST. HELEN.

Touching the subjoined newspaper advertisement:--

ORGANIST.--A VACANCY IN THE APPOINTMENT of ORGANIST for the parish of St. Helen, Bishopsgate, London, having been created by the death of Dr. Bexfield, candidates for the office are requested to forward their letters of application and testimonials on or before the 23rd day of November instant, addressed to MR. CHURCHWARDEN RICHARDSON, 2, Great St. Helen's, London, by whom all inquiries as to the duties and salary will be answered.

_Mr. Punch_ begs to ask MR. CHURCHWARDEN RICHARDSON a question. Would CECILIA PUNCH be eligible for the vacant situation of organist to St. Helen's parish? For _Mr. Punch_ has heard that it is the practice of many vestries to exclude female candidates from competition for the organist's office. Need CECILIA apply? Has it been, by the parochial powers,

"Resolved, that female candidates be excluded."

CECILIA would be thankful to be spared the anxiety and trouble of making an application, in doubt whether or not it has been predestined to be fruitless. One would think that the church of a female saint would admit a female musician--or can it be that ST. HELEN would have closed her doors against her sainted sister, the namesake of _Miss Punch_, herself?

To multiply, not to diminish, the means of honourable maintenance for women ought to be the object of all Churchwardens and Vestries; as it certainly is the interest of all rate-payers.

* * * * *

A WHIPPING RECORDER.

MR. SAMUEL WARREN, Recorder of Hull, loves to season his sentences with plenty of whipcord. This propensity of SAMUEL'S has been significantly rebuked by LORD PALMERSTON, who has remitted whippings and shortened terms of imprisonment. We understand that the judicial poet of _The Lily and the Bee_ will--in self-justification--forthwith produce another poem, to be called _The Cat and her Tails_.

* * * * *

A DIRTY BUSINESS.

The Magistrates of the City of London can scarcely be expected to come out of the present Commission with clean hands, after having fingered every ton of coals within a circuit of twenty miles.

* * * * *

FASHION AND INFLUENZA.

"That fairy form muffled in shawls, FANNY! why? What sorrow hath swoln and beclouded thine eye? What _can_ have occasioned the tint of the rose To abandon that cheek for the end of that nose?

"Strange ornament, strip of mere flannel, to deck That swanlike, that snowy, that statuesque neck! Why sit o'er the fender in such an odd trim, With handkerchief stanching those red orbs that swim?"

"For shabe, HELRY! dolt you bake ful so of be; You bolkey, preteldil that you diddlet see The state I ab ill; do you walt to be told? You bust low I've got a bost troublesub cold."

"But how did you catch it, love?--where did you go?" "I cal't thilk, I cal't tell at all, I dol't low." "You don't think damp feet may have brought it about?" "Lo, I've worl Ildia rubber shoes whel I've beel out."

"I think I can tell what has caused a catarrh Those charms to disfigure, those accents to mar; The bonnet, my FANNY, was meant for the head, But FANNY wears hers 'twixt the shoulders instead."

"_Oh_ HELRY!--aid yet it bust surely be oled Lot clothid the head is the way to catch cold, Ald followilg Fashiul is what, I suppose, Bakes be look such al object ald talk through the doze."

* * * * *

RUSSIAN HONESTY.

There is a rigid sense of honesty in the Russian army. Lately, a sergeant-major was flogged for stealing beyond his rank. There is a graduated right of theft throughout all Russia. Thus, while a mere master-shipwright may steal some cartloads of oak, a Lord of the Admiralty may pocket a whole seventy-four. The god of Russia is not, in fact, NICHOLAS, but MERCURY.

* * * * *

* * * * *

A FERTILITY WELL-GROUNDED.--Periodicals are the dead leaves that fertilise the soil of Literature.

* * * * *

* * * * *

THE MANCHESTER SCHOOL OF POETRY.

A very pleasing advertisement appeared lately in the _Manchester Advertiser_, an advertisement which all who are interested in literature will be glad to see. Here it is:--

WANTED, A POET.--A tradesman who wishes to advertise his wares extensively, wants a Gentleman who can Write Advertising Poetical Effusions with facility.--Apply by letter, containing specimens of poetry, to A S, at the Printer's.

Though poor JOHNSON or GOLDSMITH would have been glad of such an offer, some conceited brethren of the goose-quill may look with contempt at the idea of the application of poetry to the advertisement of wares. Why not apply poetry to the advertisement of wares as well as apply Art to their construction? is not Art-crockery considered a great thing?--and what is your School of Design for, but to supply us with Art-clothes and Art-furniture; so that in good time we shall have Art-velvets, Art-cottons, Art-muslins, Art-silks, and Art-satins, for Art-waistcoats, Art-shirt-fronts, Art-frocks, Art-slips, Art-gowns; likewise Art-chairs and Art-tables, Art-fenders, Art-fire-irons, Art-pots and Art-kettles, Art-coalscuttles, Art-paper for walls, Art-bell-pulls, Art-pump-handles, Art bedsteads, and Art-washhand basins? The spirit of the age requires that Art shall be turned to practical account. He that would prosper by the poetical Art must utilise it. One way to do so, as good as any other, would be to sing the praises of candlesticks, for instance, or knives and forks, or haberdashery, or any other description of goods; what not? Poets have quite exhausted their old stock of subjects; they want a new stock, and that of a linendraper would be as good as any. The lines--

O heavenly Muse! the vast assortment sing, Of JACKSON, JOHNSON, WILKINSON and KING,

for example, might serve for the commencement, and indicate the argument of a modern Epic of the Manchester School. The place of the hero in the poem would of course be supplied by a power-loom. But the "poetical effusions" required as per advertisement would necessarily be lyrical. Here an abundance of themes opens up to the bard. Suppose that the wares which the poet is engaged to advertise are stuffs. It will not follow that his verses should be stuff too. Leaving doggrel to the minstrel of MOSES, he might aim at a really sentimental treatment of his subject. He might, with the view of calling public attention to a silk, write something of this sort:--

LINES TO ISABEL.

I saw thee dancing in the hall; The beauteous robe that draped thy form Had just the free and flowing fall Of some old statue's; but, too warm, Too glowing were that eye and cheek, To let thy shape of loveliness Like marble seem, though rarest Greek, For all that chaste and graceful dress!

***_At_ 16_s._ 6_d._, _A Superior Article and Striking Novelty. Now Selling Off at a Tremendous Sacrifice_. JACKSON AND CO., &c.

The foregoing is merely an attempt to show what might be done in this line, or sort of lines. It is no easy job, as a judicious ancient observes, to do common themes to a T.

Perhaps it is strange, however, that a Manchester tradesman should have to advertise for a poet. Is there no young man in his establishment that turns down his collars and grows his hair in ringlets, and has joined the moustache-movement, that would answer his purpose? In most large businesses there are such young men, who let off their poetical steam in effusions to the moon, &c., and merely waste it. Many of these poor young fellows are snubbed and ridiculed, and thus have their self-regard--which is always sensitive--irritated and mortified, till they are driven to all manner of reckless and evil courses; whereas, by the useful direction of their talent, rendering it subservient to the purposes of the shop, they would be enabled to fulfil the aspirations that are in them with credit to themselves and with advantage to their employers: provided they would pay that attention to their grammatical studies, which is necessary to the composition of decent verses, even on the subject of a merino or a ducape.

* * * * *

THE REAL AND THE IDEAL.--There is as much difference between the real and the ideal, as there is between a castle in Ayrshire and a castle in the Air.

* * * * *

THE EXPENSE OF MAKING A BARON.

Those who accept dignities are usually expected to pay for them; but, perhaps, if a man has "greatness thrust upon him" in the form of a title, it would be rather hard to make him pay £420 for an "honour" of which he was not solicitous. Before a man can be "dubbed" a knight he must "dub up" some £200; but it seems to cost between £400 and £500 to make a baron. Last year LORD FITZROY SOMERSET was changed into LORD RAGLAN--a conversion which, though it might have been managed as easily and as cheaply as the pantomime trick of SO-AND-SO _afterwards_ HARLEQUIN, or PANTALOON, or CLOWN, has, it seems, added upwards of £400 to the annual item of civil contingencies. It is very "civil," no doubt, to make a commoner into a peer, but when the "contingency" arrives, we think the recipient of the honour ought to be civilly expected to pay for it. Perhaps, however, the better course would be to do it cheap, and we should hardly think the dignity of the peerage can be sustained by such charges as we find making up the sum total of the cost of a Barony.

The Clerk of the Hanaper, or Hamper, gets £24 13_s._ 4_d._; but why the title of Baron should be hampered with such an expense it is difficult to guess, unless it is that the newly-made peer is expected to "wet" his dignity with a few dozen of something drinkable. Deputy Hamper--by virtue, possibly, of some bottled beer--gets a guinea; and the "porter to the Great Seal" has another guinea; but, whether the word "porter" applies to some officers, or to some beer for the LORD CHANCELLOR'S department, we have no means of knowing. The sealing of the patent is a costly affair, including "Sealer, £1 2_s._ 3_d._; Deputy ditto, 10_s._ 6_d._; Chaff Wax, £1 2_s._ 6_d._; deputy ditto, 10_s._ 6_d._"; from which we can only infer that, while two officers are employed in the act of sealing, two other officers are standing by and "chaffing" the operation.

The "Royal Household" receives £104 6_s._ 10_d._ for a jollification, no doubt; though we suspect that this act of _High Life Below Stairs_ in the Palace is entirely without the sanction of Royalty. Our old friend "Garter" comes in for £20, which is moderate, considering how invariably the recipients of dignities are tied by the leg by Garter's stringent requirements. The bill winds up with one guinea for the engrossing clerk, who engrosses very little of the profit but a great deal of the trouble, for he was obliged to engross the warrant and find the parchment.

It costs in all £420 to make a Peer; and if every Member of the Peerage is worth what he costs, it is easy to estimate the value of the Upper House of Parliament. Our own opinion is, that the Lords would be quite as precious without the preliminary outlay incurred in their manufacture; but if something is to be paid on the occasion, we think the money might be better employed than by inciting it in chaff, or any other kind of wax, and liquidating it in "porter," or Hampers of any description whatever.

* * * * *

A TAP ON A TUB.

The _Morning Advertiser_, speaking of LOUIS NAPOLEON'S new tariff reforms, says that he has effected them, "_deaf_ to the howlings of the iron-masters _and the scowlings of the coal-owners_". One would not deprive the EMPEROR of one iota of his merit, but we have a "random recollection" that a "scowl" is a thing to see, rather than to hear. We do think that our friends the Licensed Victuallers are entitled to demand better grammar for their money. _Our_ JEAMES would not have so written.

* * * * *

CORONACH ON THE SCOTCH LION

Och hone-a-rie! och hone-a-rie! The Scottish Lion lies fu' sair: Gude faith, he's tauld sae mony a lee. We never can believe him mair!

* * * * *

THE HOLE-INESS OF RAGS.

The best material for the proposed "Ragged Churches" seems to be Papier-mâché, a material which is now applied to building purposes, and which proves how the useful and beautiful may even arise out of rags.

* * * * *

THE TURTLE BENEVOLENT ASSOCIATION

FOR

THE RELIEF OF DESTITUTE ALDERMEN.

We are glad to inform our readers that a Society, with the above benevolent motive, is in the course of formation. We need not say that, in the state of extreme destitution to which the poor Aldermen are likely, in another year, to be reduced, such a society, like every other society that has hitherto been started, will supply a great vacuum. The use of Turtle to an Alderman has become a sort of second nature; and when, by circumstances over which--unlike the City Funds--he has had no control, he is deprived of that great humanising and aldermanising necessity, we need not say that a very great vacuum will be created in his stomach. It is to fill that vacuum--which, if filled by the Alderman's own resources, would cause a vacuum in his pocket as great as the one that already exists in his mind--that a few charitable individuals have joined together in sympathy and guineas to relieve the wants of a large luxurious class of their fellow-countrymen.

Until the prospectus, in due satin paper and gilt-edge form, is issued, we beg to dot down a few of the principal features of this benevolent association:--

PRINCE ALBERT is to be President of this new charity, if he will only accept it, in return for the statue which the Aldermen have been trying to get up in his honour, in the hope that they may be represented on the pedestal in some humble capacity--either as hanging on to his Royal Highness's coat-tails, or else kissing his princely boots.

Committees will be appointed to visit the different Wards, and some of the highest ladies in the land have been most eager in applying for this charitable office.

Aldermen who have passed the chair will be allowed their three basins of Turtle a week. Those, who have not yet come to that awful pass, will only receive their one basin, of the usual size of those which a person pays five shillings for at BIRCH'S.

On the 9th of November--the anniversary of the grand LORD MAYOR'S Day--the whole body of Aldermen are to be allowed, in addition to their Turtle, a small glass of iced Punch.

A select number, also, will be taken in rotation, and given a ride in glass-coaches, that will be directed to follow the precise route that the LORD MAYOR'S procession was in the habit of taking every memorable 9th of November. Pocket handkerchiefs will be provided gratuitously, to stem the grief of such Aldermen for whom the sight may be too much.

Negotiations are in treaty for the Mansion House, which will be unoccupied as soon as the City Corporation has died its unnatural death. It is expected to be vacant in a year. A better locality could not possibly be chosen, on account of the number of pleasant associations that are connected with that building, which was so proverbially hospitable with other people's money.

Those Aldermen who are prevented, by illness or modesty, from applying at the Mansion House, will be relieved at their own mansions.

All Aldermen will be expected to bring their own basins and spoons.

Any Alderman convicted of bringing up his basin to be filled a second time on the same day, will be denied any further relief for an entire twelvemonth.

The tickets, under any circumstances, are not to be sold; but it is hoped, in the event of the expected success of the Association, that measures will be taken to add venison to the Turtle.

Further particulars will be shortly published, with a list of the bankers and houses where subscriptions are to be paid, and where the smallest contributions, in the way of turtle or venison, will be thankfully received.

A smaller Charity will also be established--at least the attempt will be made--in connection with the parent one. Its object will be to relieve the Common Councilmen with Mock Turtle.

It is a source of great consolation, to think that these poor miserable creatures, when they are turned out of their comfortable quarters, will not be totally unprovided for in their old age. Ruin, it is true, is staring them in the face; but still their few declining years may be rendered comparatively happy, by their being still supplied with those comforts which the custom of a whole life has turned into nothing less than positive wants. To prove we bear no malice towards those who are fallen, we wish every success to these "TURTLE SOUP KITCHENS FOR DESTITUTE ALDERMEN;" and, as soon as the casseroles are got into boiling order, we are ready to pay our first subscription.

* * * * *

SHORTCOMING OF THE CITY.

The City of London is not quite PLATO'S Model Republic. It has not completely realized its idea of corporate perfection. Not permitting the subjects of its jurisdiction to measure or to carry their own commodities, it has established corn, coal, fruit, and oyster-meters, and fellowship-porters, whom it obliges them to employ on terms prescribed by itself. But it does not carry out the principle of preventing individuals from managing their own affairs, by prohibiting them from doing anything whatever for themselves, which it is possible that somebody else may do for them. It has not established Civic Barbers, empowered to shave all men who reside within its precincts, whether willing or unwilling to submit their chins to those officers, and it does not deny anybody the right of shaving himself.

* * * * *

* * * * *

CORPORATE ASYLUMS.

The prisons of the City seem, in general, to have been better conducted than any other of its institutions. May this fact be accounted for on the supposition that roguery has an instinctive tendency to provide for itself?

* * * * *

WHAT BEST CONSORTS WITH THE CONSORT'S DIGNITY.

The best monument on which, at present, (and may it be "at present" for many years to come!) to inscribe PRINCE ALBERT'S abilities and amiabilities, is to be found in the columns of the Newspapers.

* * * * *

AN INJUDICIOUS PATRIOT.

We read among the speeches delivered at the late Polish Anniversary Meeting, one which was made by a foreign gentleman, introduced as a friend of M. MAZZINI, and which concluded thus:--

"Revolution was called disorder. It might be so, but the only way to finish with disorder was to make revolution.--(_Cheers._) Therefore it was that he wished for revolution, though its permanent success involved the sad necessity of the guillotine." (_Great cheering._)

These daring words were uttered, not in the slummish purlieus of the Square of Leicester, but at the splendid Rooms of that of Hanover. How proud and glad we ought to feel of our freedom of utterance, considering that at a place of fashionable resort, in an aristocratic neighbourhood, an individual is permitted to speak out thus: declaring himself boldly on the side of revolution and the guillotine!

Nevertheless, for the cause of European liberty, it is a pity that this gentleman had not either had his mouth stopped by the spontaneous action of the muscles which serve to close that orifice, or shut up by cries of "No, no!" substituted for the "great cheering" which greeted his avowal in regard to revolutionism and decapitation. The use and applause of such language must estrange all friends of freedom except those who are mad. The exiles that indulge in it ought not, perhaps, to be deprived of an asylum, but they ought to be restricted to one in which they can be looked after. It is bad enough when patriots are consigned to the halter by despots, but it is worse when, having rope given them, they use it to hang themselves. The EMPERORS OF RUSSIA and AUSTRIA are much obliged to those who talk like this foreign gentleman. The revolution contemplated by M. MAZZINI is another thing, we hope, than that which is advocated by his indiscreet friend, and to "make" which will, in truth, be a certain "way to finish with disorder."

* * * * *

TABLE TURNING AND TRUE PIETY.

A Clergyman, the REV. R. W. DIBDIN, M.A., has published a Lecture recently delivered by him at the Music Hall, Store Street, upon Table Turning, which he ascribes to "Satanic Agency," animadverting on all who differ with him on the subject; among others, on ourselves. Referring to this periodical he is pleased to say,

"I will only remark that it is conspicuous (like the _Times_ newspaper, which it echoes), for its _consistent enmity to true piety_;--its advocacy of Sabbath desecration in the Sydenham Exhibition, and the Sunday delivery of letters by the Post Office. And I very much wonder that religious people support it as they do."

If any newspaper discusses the questions of the day generally in a spirit of common sense, and this periodical treats them in the same spirit, there must be a general coincidence of opinion between this periodical and that newspaper, which MR. DIBDIN may call an echo if he pleases. But he has no right to term _Punch_ a consistent enemy to true piety, because we do not admit that a Christian is bound to keep Sunday as a Jew is obliged to observe Saturday. And his wonder that religious people support _Punch_ as they do may be abated by the consideration that religion is not, in all people, allied with superstition, or with cant and hypocrisy. Religion _Punch_ has always held, and hopes to hold, inviolate; but the pretence of it, whether designed to restrict his liberty, or impose upon his understanding, he has ever denounced and ever will denounce. Withhold from the child the letter of the sick parent; deny the fagged artisan his breath of fresh air and half-holyday once a week, under a religious pretext, and _Punch_ will protest you a Pharisee, and tell you that you might as well forbid him to extricate an ox, or a MR. DIBDIN, from a pit into which, he might happen to tumble on the Sabbath day. And if lies or delusions are propounded to his credence, tales, whether of table-talking or picture-working, _Punch_ will not be hindered from laughing at them by the circumstance that they are preached beneath the cover of religion.

_Punch_ never knowingly admits anything into his pages that could shock the feelings of religious people. For that reason he forbears to quote from MR. DIBDIN'S pamphlet an assertion that MR. DIBDIN professes to quote from the devil; a piece of blasphemy too frightfully shocking to be repeated. The following, however, may be cited as specimens of the answers elicited by the Rev. gentleman and a MR. B. from a small, square, three-legged table on casters, by lying their hands on it:--

"1. If there be a GOD, strike three with the leg next the fire-place.--That leg was raised, and struck thrice.

"2. If there be a devil, strike so many times with this leg.--It did so.

"3. If the POPE be the head of the Church, strike, &c.--It did so.

"4. If MARTIN LUTHER was a good man, strike, &c.--No reply.

"5. If EMANUEL SWEDENBORG was a good man, strike, &c.--It did so.

"6. If SOCINIUS was a good man, strike, &c.--It did so.

"7. If JESUS CHRIST be come in the flesh, strike, &c.--It did so.

"8. If salvation be of faith and works, strike, &c.--It did so.

"9. If salvation be by faith alone, strike, &c.--It did so.

"10. If DR. ACHILLI be a good man, strike, &c.--No reply.

"11. If DR. ACHILLI be turned Swedenborgeon, strike, &c.--It did so.

"12. If DR. NEWMAN be a good man, strike, &c.--It did so (very quickly).

"13. If MR. TONNA be a good man, stop moving.--It continued moving.

"14. Strike the day of the month--It struck twenty-eight.

"15. Strike the hour.--It struck seven and a gentle lift of the leg. [It was half-past seven].

"16. If it be right to go to a Socinian Chapel, strike, &c.--It did so.

"17. If it be right to go to the theatre, strike, &c.--It did so.

"18. Say how many years it is since HER MAJESTY came to the throne.

"No one present knew the date of her accession. I may here say, that I asked several questions on this principle, upon facts with which none of us were acquainted.

"It struck sixteen.

"None of us could tell whether this was right or not, and, therefore, one of the party left the room to fetch an almanack, and when we had got the almanack we found that it was right."

Other ages were given by the table, according to the Reverend experimenter; it also stopped when the Bible was placed upon it, like the similarly possessed moveables of MESSRS. GODFREY and GILLSON. At least so he would have us believe, or be accounted altogether unbelieving. For he declares of Table Turning, that

"Those who have not witnessed its wonders, and disbelieve (or attempt to explain away) the statements of those who _have_, must be passed by as impracticable subjects, acting precisely on the principle of the infidel HUME, who, because he never saw a miracle, would have us infer that no one else ever did."

This is precisely the style in which Roman Catholic priests argue in behalf of miraculous images, and if MR. DIBDIN did not profess a vast abhorrence of Popery, he might be imagined to be one of the clerical correspondents of the _Tablet_. In another place he says,

"If any one doubts my _veracity_, or questions the _possibility of my senses being correct witnesses_--in such a case I have nothing to reply to that person. Such an one puts himself out of the reach of argument; and by such incredulity makes it impossible to prove anything to him."

We are called upon to admit the infallibility of MR. DIBDIN'S senses, as well as his good faith, although we have the opposing testimony of FARADAY, and although, whilst Table Turning is, as MR. DIBDIN himself says, practised daily by tens of thousands, there has been no one satisfactory exhibition of the wonder in public. _Punch_ has tried Table and Hat Turning. The hat and the table gave signs of beginning to turn; which ceased, not at his command to stop, but on his reminding the rest of the party that they were not to push.

PROFESSOR FARADAY, by the way, fares very badly at the hands of MR. DIBDIN, who not only insinuates a doubt respecting the "spiritual attainments" of that philosopher, but also uniformly spells his name with two R's. He has also as above, SOCINIUS for SOCINUS, and for Swedenborgian, Swedenborgeon. Perhaps he has derived his orthography from tables, which he mentions as having been found to spell badly; indeed, trustworthy as tables are esteemed in matters of arithmetic, they have never been accounted authorities in regard to spelling.

But MR. DIBDIN is not to be laughed at--although he may himself hold up other people to something less innocent than ridicule. He observes that

"It may seem very wise and great to laugh down a weak brother; but surely it is neither kind nor brotherly."

Nevertheless, it is not easy to repress a risible emotion when we picture to ourselves a party of weak brethren sitting round a table to see if they can get the devil into it. MR. DIBDIN says it is necessary to keep the hands on the table. Does the evil spirit, then, flow out of the fingers' ends into the mahogany? and does MR. DIBDIN think that he has acted as the devil's conductor? We shall next have Calvinistic clergymen making pump-handles work, and turning mangles to the same account as tables, by Satanic action.

However, it is certain that the dreadful nonsense in the book before us was rapped out _either_ by the devil, _or_ by MR. DIBDIN, or his friends. If we had any doubt on the subject, we should give them the benefit of the doubt; but we are afraid that none can be reasonably entertained.

* * * * *

IMPROVEMENT AT GUILDHALL.

Whatever may be said against the Corporation of London, it may be truly said of that great body, that it is a-GOG for reform.

* * * * *

* * * * *

HUMAN COPYING MACHINES.

Everybody says the law has gone to ruin, and if this is the case, we can only say that the law has gone where it has brought so many--or in other words, that the lawyers have followed their clients. The "profession" must certainly be at a low ebb when it is reduced to the degradation of issuing such advertisements as the following, which has been sent up to us by several Correspondents, who have cut it out from a Birmingham newspaper.

WANTED, immediately, in a Country Solicitor's Office, a WRITING CLERK. He must understand Abstracting, Engrossing, and Accounts. Salary about 13_s._ a week. Unexceptionable references must be given.--Apply to ----, Solicitor, Birmingham.

We have been told that "necessity has no law;" but it would seem that the law is reduced to the last stage of necessity, or it would never offer such beggarly terms as those specified above to the very meanest of its myrmidons. "Thirteen shillings a week" is about one-third of the pay of a journeyman carpenter, and less than a third of what may be earned by many of those who are out "on strike" for higher wages. The poor wretch who is offered thirteen shillings a week must, it seems, understand "abstracting;" but we should fear that he might try his abilities in endeavouring to "abstract" something from the cash-box of his principal. It is evident that the lawyers, having been curtailed of their power to fleece the public, are determined to take it out of their unfortunate clerks, and if blood can be got out of a stone, an attorney is just the man to perform the operation.

* * * * *

A MUFF DROPPED, by a young Lady, on Wednesday last, in the Regent's Park, between the Botanical and Zoological Gardens. It is rather rich in appearance, but extremely heavy; has very long hair, and nothing whatever inside. Any one, falling in with the above, is perfectly welcome to the acquisition, as the Muff became such a dead weight, continually hanging about, and wanting to be carried everywhere, that the Young Lady, not being able to bear it any longer, was really compelled to drop it. The Muff may be known at any time by its having red hair, and answering to the name of CHARLES.

* * * * *

TOWN AND COUNTRY.

If, by any remote accident, the Russians were to take Constantinople, it would be a curious realization (says young BAKER STREET) of the "_Russ in Urbe_".

* * * * *

THE REASON OF PRISON EXPENDITURE.

The following paragraph occurs in the _Preston Guardian_:--

"THE COST OF CRIME.--The REVEREND MR. CLAY, the Chaplain of the Preston House of Correction, estimates the loss caused to the public by fifteen pickpockets, whose careers he has traced, including the value of the property stolen, expenses of prosecution, and maintenance in gaol, at £26,500."

How many schoolmasters might have been had for the money which fifteen pickpockets have cost the nation?--and how many more than fifteen boys might those schoolmasters have prevented from becoming pickpockets?--and how much larger a sum than £26,500 would have thereby been saved?

Why cannot this great saving of money--to say nothing of vice and misery--be effected?

Simply because Papists and Protestants, High Church, Low Church, and Dissenters, cannot agree as to which of them shall have the privilege of preoccupying the minds of street-children with ideas about which bishops and doctors differ!

* * * * *

LOVE.

(_A Prose Definition by_ MOSES' _Poet_.)

Love comes from Courtship, and Courtship is a suit that is not made in a day. It is the slow result of several measures, and these measures cannot be taken too carefully; but Love at first sight is a ready-made suit that is entered into at once, and for which, as the result frequently proves, neither party was in the least fitted.

* * * * *

SHOCK TO RUSSIAN CREDIT.--There has been a hard run on the Banks of the Danube. It is said to have been owing to a panic in the Russian army.

* * * * *

THE RACE OF MAN.--It is your favourite that generally wins on the "course of true love."

* * * * *

SCOTLAND HUMILIATED.

Tuesday the 29th of November, 1853, was celebrated as a day of humiliation in Edinburgh; and the humiliation consisted in making the day as much like a Scotch Sunday as possible. Recollecting as we do: 1st, That there is more drunkenness in Scotland than anywhere else in the United Kingdom; 2ndly, That there is more drunkenness on Sunday in Scotland than on any other day; and, 3rdly, That the day of humiliation was a close resemblance to a Scotch Sunday;--we may draw the inference that the "humiliation" must have been complete. We have no doubt the number of those that were either moved by the spirit, or kept from the power of moving by the spirit, must have been enormous, on the occasion alluded to.

* * * * *

* * * * *

ADD THIS TO YOUR DICTIONARIES.

CORPORATION. Noun. Derived from _corps_, Fr., "deceased body," _oratio_, Lat., "speaking," and _ration_, Eng., "victuals," and means a moribund body, good for nothing but feeding and spouting.

* * * * *

EXCESSIVE MILDNESS OF THE SEASON.--A Hansom Cabman took Sixpence for his fare, the other day, without saying a single word.

* * * * *

* * * * *

"A STATUE TO ALBERT."

(_A Melody after_ MOORE.)

"A statue to ALBERT," said CHALLIS enchanted, "I'll start in the City; the thought is divine." The thought was conceived, and he now only wanted The ear of the public to it to incline. He wrote a few letters to people to bore them, And ask them to second his fawning intent; But so coldly the public appeared to ignore them, That he saw they too plainly perceived what he meant.

"Oh how," cried SAM WILBERFORCE, "think of enshrining The PRINCE by himself?--the proposal is dim; But with it the Great Exhibition entwining, We'll get in adroitly a statue of him." The bargain was struck, and the project to dish up They flew to a meeting, the plan to propound; "Adieu," whispered CHALLIS, "you're not the first bishop Who's kept his position by shifting his ground."

* * * * *

A PLAN FOR THE SIMPLIFICATION OF PUBLIC ORATORY.

MR. PUNCH, who has suffered so much from the inordinate long-windedness of our public orators in general, and of our senators in particular, that he can thoroughly appreciate the misery which it must have inflicted upon the nation, has, of his own free motion and consent, meditated and devised a scheme, by which the nation will be released from the pain of hearing, and our public men from the labour of uttering speeches; whilst the former will still have the conviction that its representatives are taking pains to express its sentiments, and the latter will still have their vanity gratified by the belief that they are making a sensation. _Mr. Punch_ has read in the works of MESSRS. HUC and GABET (two missionaries, in whom the humour of RABELAIS is combined with the kindly fervour of LAS CASAS) that the Lamas in Thibet--who have more prayers to recite than they can get through in a day, without suspending their ordinary avocations--are in the habit of employing what they call Tchu Kor, or turning prayers. These are large but light cylinders of wood, placed on an axle, and inscribed with a great number of prayers in Thibetian characters. The devout Lama gives the Tchu Kor a push, which sets it in motion for a considerable period, during which he goes about his secular business, and leaves the performance of his religious exercises to this pious whirligig.

If _Mr. Punch_ were acquainted with the Lamas, he would suggest to them that by the help of a little simple machinery and the aid of a turnspit dog, they might prolong their prayers for a period quite beyond the strength of their own ingenious but imperfect instrument. But as it is, he contents himself with recommending that Tchu Kor, or talking cylinders, shall be introduced into the House of Commons without delay. So many of the speeches made in that assembly have no sort of interest for it or for the public, and are dictated only by the desire of the Members to acquit themselves of a duty to their constituents, that they might as well not be uttered at all. And as no speech is supposed to influence a division, or gain over a vote, whilst many give rise to much bad blood, and to endless misunderstandings, prevarications, rejoinders, and recriminations, it would be as well that so fertile a source of mischief should at once be dried up; and that if Members must talk, they should do so only through the medium of the Tchu Kor.

Each Member might have his peculiar cylinder, surmounted by a bust of himself, and carved from that tree, whose properties were most in accordance with the characteristics of his oratory or his politics. Thus the cylinders of LORD BROUGHAM and MR. DISRAELI, that pungent couple, might be carved from the prickly pear; those of MR. NEWDEGATE and MR. HENLEY from the sloe; that of MR. HUME, the Senior of the House, from the elder; that of SIR ROBERT INGLIS, from the cherry, as he is the BOB _chéri_ of the high Torics; that of MR. BRIGHT, from the aspen; that of MR. BROTHERTON, the Vegetarian, from a large turnip; that of MR. LUCAS, from the bramble; that of MR. COBDEN, from the (good) service tree; and that of LORD PALMERSTON, the universal favourite, from the poplar. (Oh!)

The members might attend to turn their own cylinders, or the "Turner of the House of Commons" (for the duties of the Speaker would be at an end) might go round and set in motion the cylinders of those whose opinions he wished to circulate. The Irish members might be gratified, yet without any hindrance to public business, by the simultaneous gyrations of all their cylinders; a number of others, inscribed with the words Hear! Hear! or Question! might always be kept going; and if any honourable gentlemen chose to inscribe on their Tchu Kor words descriptive of cock-crowing or braying, they might make fowls or donkeys of themselves without hurting the feelings of others. In short _Mr. Punch_ is so interested in his scheme, and so anxious for its development, that he pledges himself to have _Toby_ in readiness to turn LORD JOHN RUSSELL'S Tchu Kor, on the very first night that the scheme shall come into operation

* * * * *

AGRICULTURAL BRUISERS.

Thrashing, bruising and milling are now carried to such perfection by machinery that every housekeeper may thrash his own establishment, every father of a family may do his own bruising, and every man may have the luxury of a private mill on his own premises. At the recent Cattle Show, our attention was invited to a "compact hand mill," calculated to do an immense amount of bruising, and to give a regular good dressing at the same time to a certain quantity of flour. The newspapers are continually asking us whether we bruise our oats, and intimating that if we vigorously assault our corn it will serve us as well again, from which we infer that every blow administered to our oats will be the means of an extra blow-out to our cattle. We wish our agricultural friends would tell us whether the bruising system would be applicable to anything else beside corn, and whether we may safely, in addition to bruising our oats, give occasionally a black eye to a potatoe?

* * * * *

A NOM DE GUERRE.--The French papers talk of ABERDEEN, _apropos_ of the Turkish Question, as the "_ci-Divan jeune homme_."

* * * * *

CONSERVATIVES IN ILL ODOUR.

In whatever sense of the word the Corporation of London has conserved the Thames, it has not made that river a conserve of roses.

* * * * *

CORPORATION TABLE TALK.

The serious importance of Table Talking has been recognised by the City of London Corporation Commission, who have examined, as a witness, one of the Mansion House tables. The answers which they obtained by its means are important, as bearing on the question of Aldermanic agency.

No sooner had the Commissioners placed their hands on the table than it began to move, evidently not from any involuntary muscular action, for to whatever extent those gentlemen pushed their inquiries, they did not push the table.

The following interrogatories were then put to the table, which rapped out the corresponding replies in the usual manner by striking with one of its legs, once for the affirmative, and twice for the negative, or giving the floor a knock at each of the several letters required to form a word, as the Chairman ran his pencil over the Alphabet:--

1. How old are you? The table rapped so many times that the Commissioners were tired, and directed it to stop, which it did.

2. Are you older than the oldest inhabitant?--Yes.

3. Did you know WALWORTH?--Intimately.

4. Was WHITTINGTON a man or a myth?--Both.

5. Was he LORD MAYOR OF LONDON?--Yes.

6. Three times?--Yes.

7. Used he and the Aldermen to dine together?--Sometimes.

8. What was the principal delicacy at their banquets?--Rapped out "Ox."

9. Was it roasted?--Yes.

10. Whole?--Yes.

11. With a pudding in its belly?--Yes.

12. Was there venison pasty?--Yes.

13. Did a Member of the Corporation ever eat a whole one?--Yes.

14. Name the individual?--Spelt "GOG."

15. Was he an Alderman?--Yes.

16. Who was MAGOG?--Rapped "Mace."

17. Do you mean that he was Macebearer?--Yes.

18. For what was he celebrated?--Drink.

19. How much would he imbibe at a sitting?--Answered "Hogsheads."

20. Of iced punch?--No. Of ale?--Yes. Of canary?--Yes. Of Malvoisie?--Yes. Of each?--Yes.

21. Were statues erected to GOG and MAGOG to commemorate their exploits?--Yes. In eating and drinking?--Yes.

22. Are you in suffering?--Yes.

23. From the effects of overloading?--Yes. From Gout?--Yes. In one of your legs?--Yes. Can you move that leg?--No.

24. Does the recollection of what you have had to bear disgust you?--The table heaved violently.

25. Does conscience torment you?--Yes.

26. On account of the charities which you have served to consume?--Yes.

27. Have you often groaned under your burdens?--Yes.

28. Give the number of tureens of real turtle which you have borne in your time.--Rapped to the number of twenty thousand, and was continuing, when the time having arrived for the adjournment of the sitting, the examination of the table was postponed to another day.

* * * * *

FACTS FOR COCKNEY NATURALISTS.

Setters are a kind of dog kept exclusively in poultry-yards, for the purpose of assisting the hens in the work of incubation.

There are curious couples to be met with in the natural as well as in the social world. Thus Rooks and Pigeons are almost always found in company; while the Oyster but rarely appears without a Swallow.

The habits of the London rabbit (specimens of which may be obtained at any poulterer's) are extremely curious, and interesting to the naturalist. Though wild at times, it is easily domesticated, and will eat from the hand as well as from the pie-dish. It frequents in the day-time the tops of water-tubs and the bottoms of areas: while at night it is generally found on the tiles. When pleased, the animal makes a soft purring noise; but at night its cries are loud and piercing, and seriously disturb the neighbourhood which it infests. Its ears partake rather of the "crop" order than the "lop," and unlike the country species, it has a long tail. Unlike that species also, it is said, in lodgings especially, to be omnivorous.

Salmon of large size may be caught pretty freely in the Serpentine nearly all the year round--with a hook.

The author of "_Nasology_" asserts that human beings are distinguished chiefly by the nose; and the remark may be extended to the inferior creation, for there is scarcely a creature but has some prominent feature for the naturalist to lay hold of. Thus you may always know a woodcock, like an inn keeper, by the length of his bill, while a woodpecker more nearly resembles an apothecary, from its keeping bark continually on tap. In the same way, too, cocks are distinguished by their combs, and foxes by their brushes.

It is a singular fact that country cats have generally not half the appetite of London ones. The voracity of these latter animals is indeed prodigious; and hardly less surprising is the variety of their diet. We have ourselves repeatedly known instances, where in a single night the cat has been discovered to have eaten about a pound of beefsteak, and more than three quarters of a leg of mutton; and we are informed by a scientific friend of ours, who lives in lodgings, that he has even met with cases well authenticated by his landlady, where in less than a week her cat has consumed half a caddy of his tea, as well as an entire bottle of his brandy.

* * * * *

SOMETHING LIKE LEATHER.

RUSSIAN HIDES WELL TANNED. By OMAR PACHA & CO. Tanners to the SUBLIME PORTE, Moldo-Wallachia.

* * * * *

CENTRALIZATION IN THE CITY.

Whatever may be the nature of the thinking principle of man, there is no doubt that the soul of business, Punctuality, is material. This psychological truth has been judiciously recognised in the practical philosophy of the City of London, which has devised a method of insuring the virtue in question, based on a profound conviction of its materiality. Of Committees for General Purposes, MR. THOMAS ROGERS, in evidence before the Corporation Commission, stated that

"In order to induce Members to attend punctually the Chairman waits five minutes. At the expiration of that time he drops his hammer, and then all who are present have a right to dine with the Committee, but all who come after the five minutes are excluded from the dinner."

No doubt the attendance is generally full--at the commencement of the proceedings as well as after the subsequent repast. But in case the majority of the members are behind time, do the minority eat up the dinner provided for the whole number? Should the persons present at the fall of the hammer amount to just thirteen, does the popular superstition, that objects to a baker's dozen at the mahogany, prevent them from sitting down to table in a party of that number? If so, does one gentleman retire, or is one more taken in from the excluded set, and is the fortunate, or unfortunate, individual selected by lot? These are questions that suggest themselves to most thinking minds, though they did not occur to those of the Commissioners.

"_Domine Dirige Nos_" ought no longer to be the civic motto. Considering their characteristic principle of managing matters by appealing to the centre of the human system, the stomach, a better motto for the Corporation would be "_Medio tutissimus ibis_."

* * * * *

AN IMAGINARY CONVERSATION.

PUNCH _and_ ALDERMAN CHALLIS.

_Punch._ Well, my EX-LORD MAYOR, is PRINCE ALBERT to have a statue?

_Alderman C._ Ah! that he shall, please the pigs!

_Punch._ You mean to say, if it please the Aldermen.

[CHALLIS _retires chap-fallen_.

* * * * *

EUROPEAN CONCORD.--We are happy to announce the Definite Concert of the Four Great Powers. Perhaps it ought rather to be called a Quartet; but that does not much signify: nobody need care what the coalition is named, if it results in harmony.

* * * * *

LEGAL CURIOSITY.

Mr. Punch has been unjustly accused of being hostile to the Lawyers. He repudiates the charge; and, in proof of his regard for a class whom he firmly believes not to be much blacker than they are painted, he subjoins a specimen of an honest attorney's bill. _Mr. Punch_ offers it to the profession as a model, and is convinced that if bills of costs were framed on its principle, he should hear less of strikes in the higher Courts--that wholesome striking by which an attorney is abated, and the roll lightened.

_In the County Court_,} JIGGER _and that of Common_ } _v._ _Honesty_. } SQUASH.

ATTORNEY'S CHARGES.

JANUARY 1.-Attending plaintiff JIGGER, who stated that he was a Vestryman of Marlebone, and that in the course of a debate upon Hungarian politics, which naturally arose out of a paving and lighting question, the defendant SQUASH, also a Vestryman, had called him a hignorant hupstart, intimating most unjustifiably, that he, SQUASH, would sooner request the opinion of a jackass upon the point at issue than that of the plaintiff. Informing JIGGER that he had better mind his shop and not mind SQUASH. No charge.

FEBRUARY 10.--JIGGER calling and desiring to restate his grievances, which had rankled in his mind, taking down an almanack and pointing out to him that the month, which contained twenty-eight days only, was much too short for me to listen to such nonsense, and advising him to go about his business, and also attend to it. No charge.

MARCH 12.--Attending JIGGER, who came in the evening with a paper, in which he said he had put his case in the strongest possible light. Convinced him that he had not, by burning his paper in my naphtha lamp, and recommending him to go home and take his wife to the play. No charge.

APRIL 19.--Perusing the first page of a letter from JIGGER, in which he again stated his wrongs, and entered at some length into the Hungarian question, and the suspected levities of MRS. SQUASH, the defendant's wife, and putting the said letter into the fire. No charge.

MAY 24.--Being at the Derby, and JIGGER coming up very tipsy, and insisting on entering into his affairs between the races, attending Policeman A 172, and instructing him to move JIGGER. No charge.

JUNE 29.--Attending JIGGER, who came in great glee to tell me that he had served a County Court summons on SQUASH, when I apprised him of my opinion that he was a great blockhead, but as he dissented from this view of the case, taking instructions to conduct the case for him, and subsequently writing to SQUASH to tell him to give me a look in. No charge.

JULY 1.--Attending SQUASH, and telling him that I hated to see a couple of neighbours and fellow parishioners squabbling and scandalising one another, and that they must meet and make it up; when SQUASH entered at considerable length into the Hungarian question, and also gave me some anecdotes of JIGGER'S rascality, and his daughter JEMIMA'S vulgarity. He consented to withdraw the jackass, but adhered to the hignorant hupstart. No charge.

AUGUST 3.--Having previously procured adjournments of the summons, my clerk's attendance to get JIGGER out of the way on a fool's errand, so that when the cause was called on there was no plaintiff, and the matter dropped. No charge.

SEPTEMBER 4.--Attending JIGGER, who had been talking to some jackanapes of a lawyer's clerk, and had been told that the County Court summons might be resuscitated by a Bill of Revivor in Chancery, which he wanted me to file, and instructing JIGGER, as a preliminary, to go and kick his new adviser. No charge.

OCTOBER 11.--Attending SQUASH, who complained that my client was taking the law into his own hands, and throwing dead kittens, with insulting inscriptions affixed to their necks, into his, SQUASH'S, shop, with intent to injure him in his trade of a sausage maker. To mollify SQUASH, ordering 3 lbs. of sausages; and N.B., presented same to my clerk, not having much faith in the defendant's zoological knowledge.

Paid for sausages. 2 6

NOVEMBER 5.--Attending JIGGER, who insisted on my coming to the window to see a Guy, which he had prepared in the likeness of SQUASH, and which he was causing his sons and apprentices to carry about, with a song containing pointed satire upon the Houses of Austria and of SQUASH. No charge.

DECEMBER 24.--Being out in the evening, ordering some spirits for my own Christmas festivity, and accidentally seeing SQUASH and his wife, instructing them to meet me in ten minutes in the parlour of the Jolly Snobs, and fetching JIGGER and his wife to the same place; addressing the parties on their folly, and insisting on their all joining in a friendly bowl of Christmas Punch, to which proposition they ultimately assented: SQUASH, in broken accents, declaring that, in his heart, he preferred JIGGER to LORD PALMERSTON for real political knowledge, and JIGGER avowing that some gentleman, of whom he had read in the Sunday papers, called HARISTYDUS, was an unjust party compared to SQUASH. Left them shaking hands, and the women crying over one another. No charge.

Bowl of Punch 5 0 ------

Total Bill of Costs for the year £0 7 6 ------ _This is my Bill_,

BOLT UPRIGHT, _Attorney_.

* * * * *

PALMERSTON PERPLEXED.

If the energetic Home Secretary had only mentioned to us--confidentially of course--that he contemplated inviting everybody who can use a pen--every goose, in fact, possessed of a quill--to write to him on the subject of any and every grievance, we should have dissuaded him from the too adventurous act. The daily, and indeed hourly contents of our letter-box would, if set before his Lordship, have convinced him, that the corrector of public abuses will find himself continually buried under a Mont Blanc of foolscap, and enveloped in a mist of envelopes. LORD PALMERSTON will have less labour thrown upon him by his official post, than the Penny Post will consign him to every hour of the day.

We, however, remind his Lordship to lay down a rule excluding all anonymous letters from the number of those to which he is ready to give attention. Already one enormous hoax has been played upon him by a wag, who, under the signature of "OBSERVER," has made a complaint against the City Police of "charging the public with drawn swords" on Lord Mayor's Day, and turning the Poultry into a sort of Peterloo. The Home Secretary has already demanded an explanation from the civic authorities; but it has turned out that the horses which rode over the people belonged to a mare's nest, while the only charge upon the public by the City Police is a charge of so much in the pound by way of rate, which is, no doubt, rather a heavy one. We certainly acquit the police of the massacre imputed to them by LORD PALMERSTON'S anonymous friend, who seems to have a little of the assassin in his own composition, for he does his utmost to murder, by a stab in the dark, the characters of those whom he is too cowardly to assail in a straightforward manner.

* * * * *

NICHOLAS'S DREAM.

I wandered in a rosy dream, Where Danube's waters pour; And there I saw the Crescent gleam Upon the farther shore.

When lo! it seemed to pale and wane, And through the sky go down; Athwart the flood I leaped amain, And clutched a Turkish Crown.

Oh! trust not visions, when, to Ill, Ambition they incline; That Crescent bright its horns will fill, Whilst I shall draw in mine!

* * * * *

CURIOSITIES OF THE CATTLE SHOW.

The annual aggregation of "fatty deposits," at the Bazaar in Baker Street, has just taken place as usual. It is, perhaps, as well that the exhibition should be of brief duration; for, in these days of "nuisance removal," we are not sure that the overfed beasts might not have been regarded as so many accumulations of offensive matter, and ordered to be got rid of accordingly.

The yearly gathering of agriculturists is, of course, the signal for the circulation of all sorts of puffing hand-bills setting forth the virtues of some new inventions for puzzling the weak agricultural mind, and making a demand on the agricultural pocket. We fancy we see a little turn for irony in one of the announcements put into our hand, which invited our "particular attention" to an article called the "Farmer's Friend," which has proved "an efficacious cure of fret and cholic." If the farmers have not yet left off fretting, here is a friend indeed; and it is to be had as low as 1_s._ 8_d._ a bottle. We should suspect that the proposed antidote to "fret and cholic" among the farmers would be found, if analysed, to contain a good share of alcohol. Among the "drinks for cattle" advertised at the Bazaar, we find one of a rather startling description, which is recommended "for the disease called Hoven Blown Blasted Fog sickness"--a malady which we hope neither man nor beast is likely to be afflicted with.

* * * * *

THE RELIGION OF THE HEELS

We cultivate sacred music; but until recently, from a remote period of antiquity, we have had no sacred dancing. A gentleman, however, has just brought out an "Evangeline Waltz," which he advertises in conjunction with a "Flirtation Polka." The gentleman probably conceives himself to have a "mission" to diffuse the Evangel of CUPID by the instrumentality of capers.

* * * * *

USE AND ABUSE.--The Cab and the Driver.

* * * * *

* * * * *

THE HERO OF A HUNDRED HURDLES.

Two gallant officers, a Lieutenant and a Captain of the Fusileers, have lately been running a flat race and a hurdle race against each other. The amusement was manly enough, and quite unobjectionable; though there is something at the first glance rather odd in the idea of two British officers competing which can run the fastest, when we recollect that never to run is the usual practice of our soldiers. We are quite sure that the competitors on this occasion will never use their running powers in the field of action, except in pursuit of an enemy. The races were well contested; the flat race being won by the Lieutenant, who "beat his opponent by three feet," which seems rather unfair, as no man ought to be allowed more than two feet to compete in a running match. In the hurdle race the Lieutenant commenced well against the Captain, but was unable to run him through--having unfortunately slipped in taking the fifth hurdle. The incident is suggestive of a little parody on the favourite military song of

"March! March!"

Jump, jump! Captain and Subaltern, Why my lads, do you not tighten your girdles? Jump, jump! make a fair start of it; There goes the Subaltern over the hurdles! Comrades shall many a day tell of the horrid way-- (E'en the bare thought makes the life-blood to curdle) How the poor Subaltern--as his luck took a turn-- Pitched on his head ere he reached the fifth hurdle. Jump, jump, &c. &c.

* * * * *

THE BEST WAY OF MAKING WAY IS TO TAKE IT.

Some persons have such a taking way with them that "if you give them an inch, they will take an ell." Now we should say the Russians had this same grasping manner about them, and if the Turks had yielded to them a single inch, by this time they would have taken the Dardan-elles.

* * * * *

THE GREAT REFORMER OF THE AGE--TO-MORROW.

* * * * *

THE PRINCE, THE PIGS, AND THE PARASITES.

We think we have at last found a key to the flunkeyism of those citizens who are desirous of getting up an ALBERT Testimonial. The recurrence of the Smithfield Club Cattle Show has presented the Prince Consort again before us in the character of a prizeholder by virtue of a wonderful pen of pigs, which proves His Royal Highness's continued devotion to porcine development. We all know the effect of a fellow feeling, and we are satisfied that the "greasy citizens" must entertain a natural sympathy with those precious feats of princely care which excite so much admiration in Baker Street. The Aldermanic mind would easily find an excuse for gratitude, in the fact that PRINCE ALBERT seeks to give importance to the pig; and they would infer that he who would aggrandise the ordinary pig would not desire to make little of the London Alderman. For our own parts, without wishing to draw a nice distinction, we can appreciate the views of His Royal Highness, and though he may continue to fatten pigs for many years to come, we should not attribute to him any desire to see the London Corporation fattening on the spoils it has so long been allowed to appropriate.

* * * * *

TASKING A BISHOP'S FACE.

In the course of a speech delivered the other day at Southampton, the BISHOP OF OXFORD is reported to have remarked that

"There should be Bishops over the Clergy who would weep when they wept, and rejoice when they were glad."

Under existing circumstances that would be a difficult arrangement. What with poor curates weeping on their £70 or £80 annual pittances, and rich pluralists rejoicing at the same time in their several thousands a year, a Bishop, in order to sympathize with both, would have to weep with one side of his face and smile with the other.

* * * * *

THE HAPPIEST HUSBAND UNDER THE SUN.

ADAM had one great advantage over all other married couples--an advantage which has been lost to us with Paradise--HE HAD NO MOTHER-IN-LAW!!!

* * * * *

* * * * *

THE TROUSER MIND.

This kind of mind struts about in fanciful costumes. It flaunts in vagaries, and is always masquerading its betters. It is a mind of colours, but colours without any union, or harmonious combination--giving one the notion of an Irish rainbow, in which all the hues had quarrelled, and resolved to live apart. Nothing is too broad for it, like a Palais Royal farce. Its legs are scored like a leg of pork--only the scoring is fearful in length, so that nothing can wipe it out, like the debts a young man runs up at college. It is lined all over like a zebra, and as the zebra is the animal that is next to the donkey, the description may be said to fit it like a second skin. There is about such a mind the emptiness of vanity coupled with all its noise--not unlike the noise which coppers make when they jingle in an empty pocket. Everything about it is brassy and loud--in fact it is a perfect ophieleide of loudness that is always in full blow. It gives you the headache to look at the owner of such a mind. Better to be right in the middle of the orchestra than sit next to such a mind at the theatre: the one is the soft murmur of Midsummer silence compared to the Cochin-China cock-crowing of the other. It never whispers, but bawls, like the waiter at a cook-shop. The mind bellows, like the poor fellows outside RICHARDSON'S show--and the greater the bellowing the poorer the entertainment, generally, within. Its presence is a continual jar--a jar of sour and offensive things, like one of GOLDNER'S preserves. How it swaggers! One would imagine the whole street belonged to it. It cannot sneeze like other people, but makes ten times more noise than any sneeze demands. It coughs to give notice of its arrival at any place--it bangs the door to give notice of its departure. Its insolence insists upon the best of everything--the seat nearest the fire, the best bedroom, the best cuts at dinner, and the best attention from everybody. It always takes the wall--it never gives way to anybody, not even to a lady. If she wants more room, let her go into the mud! It keeps its hat on in the presence of its superiors; but this is done more from ignorance than bravado, for it never suspects for a moment that it has any superiors. It stops contentedly in the middle of the room, arranges its two locks of japanned hair, that descend like two pitcher-handles on each side of its stony face; opens its legs, and admires its trousers with an air of the most supreme satisfaction. The Trouser Mind rarely looks upward. The head is to it a matter of very secondary importance, excepting as being a block that carries so much hair. Its thoughts are all downward; and if a person is introduced to it, the first survey is always to his boots and trousers. It measures mankind by its nether garments. The other half of the body is quite superfluous. In fact, the human body would, in the opinion of the Trouser Mind, be greatly improved, if it could be so contrived as to wear two pairs of trousers--one above and one below--and each pair to be totally different. In the upper regions, a thunderstorm of a pattern--in the lower, an earthquake.

* * * * *

A Confounded Bully.

Did NICHOLAS mean, say, ye schoolmen so clever, To entreat he might not be confounded for ever; Or, did he intend, with presumption unbounded, To prefer a request to be never confounded? The former supposed to have been his petition, There is hope for him yet in unfeigned contrition; The latter's past praying for--merely delusion: Old NICK has already been put to confusion.

* * * * *

A CITY PROVERB.

(_To be imbibed whilst eating Turtle._)

"SPARE THE BIRCH (in Cornhill), and you'll spoil the Alderman."

* * * * *

THE MARCH OF INTELLECT.--Everybody walking into everybody else!

* * * * *

PROPOSALS FOR A NEW ART OF PUFFING.

It has long been felt that all the old arts of puffing have been exhausted, and the consequence is that some of the most renowned masters of the arts formerly in vogue have retired from a field in which nothing more can be gathered. The poet has departed from the Mart of MOSES, and the Muses that once hung round the brilliant jet of WARREN have deserted those extensive premises in the Strand where every blacking-bottle used to be, as it were, a jet of the Fount of Castaly.

The harp that once in WARREN'S Mart The soul of Music shed, Now mutely lies in WARREN'S cart, Or under WARREN'S bed. So sleeps the source of MOSES' lays, So ROWLANDS' puffs are o'er; And heads once wreathed in poets' bays Are thumped for rhymes no more.

No more by stanzas, songs, and odes, WARREN his blacking sells; The van alone the carman loads, The name of WARREN tells. Thus MOSES' muse so seldom wakes; The only sign she gives Is when some silly rhymes she makes, To show that still she lives.

Poetic puffing having been blown to its utmost extent until the over-inflated windbag has burst and collapsed, the oratorical style of puffing having departed with the late lamented GEORGE ROBINS, and the narrative or anecdotal order of puffing having been abandoned by ROWLAND AND SON, of scented memory, nothing remains but to invent a novelty. Acknowledging, as we do, that "there is nothing new under the sun," we sit down on a day when there is no sun to be seen, and on a misty morning in December we ask ourselves whether something new under a fog may not be perceptible. From the huge cauldron of pea-soup, which is emblemed in the London atmosphere, we fancy we discern something, and a new art of puffing is revealed to us in the shape of a Proposal to combine the Commercial with the Comic, and to establish on the ruins of WARREN'S fitful lyre and MOSES' muse's measures a system of comic puffing, containing a joke in every announcement. In order to show how the thing may be done, we give--gratis--a few specimens. We will begin with a few jokes for Royal Tradesmen.

1st. The QUEEN'S shoemaker may advertise himself as "purveyor of shoes to the whole of HER MAJESTY'S foot," and he may also add that "the good footing on which Royalty stands with the people in this country is entirely due to &c. &c., who makes the QUEEN'S shoes, and who sells highlows, &c. &c. &c."

2nd. The QUEEN'S glover may announce that "the affection entertained by the whole nation for the Royal Kids is entirely due to the fact that HER MAJESTY buys all her gloves of &c. &c."

3rd. The QUEEN'S perfumer may ask conundrumically: "Why is Royalty in such excellent odour in England? Because all the scents used in the palace are purchased at &c. &c."

4th. The QUEEN'S hairdresser may--with a disregard to orthography which is allowable in a perruquier and a punster--hazard the remark "that the true secret of the grace and beauty which adorn the hair to the throne is to be found in the fact that HER MAJESTY'S hair owes its attractiveness to the hand of Nature and the pomade sold only by &c. &c. &c."

We could multiply instances over and over again. But as our object is to suggest a new mine of wealth to those literary men of our day who look to the art of puffing as a mode of obtaining an occasional blow out, we shall not proceed to forestall them in their labours, and take out of their mouths one morsel of that bread which, to the utter consternation of the poet, is now selling at elevenpence the quartern.

* * * * *

AN OLD LAMP AND A NEW ONE.

The scheme of the ARCHBISHOP OF PARIS for instituting a _fête_ under the name of _Fête des Ecoles_, to promote learning in connexion with faith, is a happy one. Everybody will agree in the sentiment expressed in his pastoral, that "Religion and Science are the two lamps which enlighten the world." And if by religion he means Popery, it may be permitted to congratulate him that, happily for the human race, one of the lights which he alludes to has put out the other's burning.

* * * * *

AN IMPROVEMENT.--The Russian army boasts of a PRINCE STIRBEY. We think it would be an improvement, and only a just compliment to the aggressive spirit of the Russians, to call him PRINCE DISTURBEY.

* * * * *

PROPHETS IN THE PARLOUR--GYPSIES IN THE KITCHEN.

When SUSAN, maid-of-all-work in the regular and respectable family of MR. POTTS--small Cityman, with ambition under his waistcoat to be some day considerably bigger--when the aforesaid illiterate and superstitious SUSAN, wishing to better herself--(a vanity that is unconsciously shared with her even by MR. and MRS. POTTS themselves)--gives ready ear to EGLANTINE PRIGDUCK, gypsey from Barnes or Norwood--EGLANTINE dealing in husbands of every variety and at the shortest notice--and, giving ear to the prophetic gypsey, gives her at the same time an opportunity to draw into her Maelstrom pocket or wallet certain silver spoons, afterwards identified by MR. POTTS--his own initials lovingly intertwining with the initials of MRS. POTTS, with the family crest of a rampant lion licking his tongue at posterity indubitably marking them as his property--

When, we say, SUSAN weeps and knocks her knees together, in a paroxysm of terror before the worthy and respected MR. SIXMUNCE--and the indomitable EGLANTINE looks callously innocent, calling all the stars to witness that "the gal giv her the spoons as her own goods and nobody's else's--"

When SUSAN is confronted with this alleged fact--the respectable part of society of which MR. and MRS. POTTS are such very distinguished members, shakes its head, and wonders how ignorance at eight pounds a year, tea and sugar included, can be such a fool as to believe in a gypsey! However, the benevolent MR. SIXMUNCE commits EGLANTINE to Tothill-Fields, and--with one of those paternal remonstrances that have won for him the proud designation of the Father of the Bench--dismisses the grateful SUSAN to her kitchen, MR. and MRS. POTTS, with a sudden benevolence, which causes them some after astonishment and self-congratulation on their goodness, consenting to give the creature another trial.

Now at the very time that SUSAN was opening her homely hand, that gypsey EGLANTINE might read in its hard page the marriage lines of the hopeful maiden (who is to give sixpence at most for the glad tidings; the spoons being purely an after-thought of the gypsey's own)--at the very time MRS. POTTS in her parlour is reading _Raphael's Prophetic Messenger_; for the which she--the educated, finished MRS. POTTS; for was she not beautifully finished at Athens House, Wandsworth?--for the which she has, in the best faith and best current silver, disbursed two-and-sixpence! Ignorance crieth out in the streets, and everybody gives ear to her. Our _Messenger_ has, to be sure, a more winning introduction than even the smiles and musical cajolery of EGLANTINE PRIGDUCK. For it has a beautiful picture in which the events of 1854 are brought out in bold red, and blue, and orange-tawney. LOUIS NAPLOLEON is engaged chatting with BRITANNIA--(who is asking him to run across and take a cup of tea in London, the British Lion at her side manifesting no objection whatever)--the while a very hairy savage has a dagger upraised at the EMPEROR'S back, and is evidently screwing himself up to "the sticking place." There are mourning-coaches going to "take up" at Windsor Castle, with other graphic amenities significant of what must happen in the year 1854. And for this the enlightened MRS. POTTS (that gypsey is still with SUSAN in the kitchen) has given two-and-sixpence; and that too with the mighty resolution of getting her good half-crown's worth out of it. Well, MRS. POTTS begins with January, turning very pale as she learns this fact:--

"_The square of_ VENUS _and_ SATURN _denotes severe affliction to a lady of the highest rank_. The tranquillity of France is disturbed; much excitement reigns in Paris, Lyons, Toulouse, and Rome. Turkey and the regions of the Tigris and Euphrates are sorely afflicted."

This lady--whoever she may be--has very sore afflictions throughout twelvemonth; but then RAPHAEL must earn his half-crown's worth.

In February, MRS. POTTS is informed--(and thinks with a shiver of little WILHELMINA who has not yet had the scarlet fever)--in February:

"MARS retrogrades to the opposition of the Moon in the radix of the PRINCESS ALICE, and indicates a liability to feverish complaint or accident."

MRS. POTTS has conjugal fears for the health of POTTS, and resolves to insist upon gutta percha soles. In March--

"The retrogradation of MARS in VIRGO in opposition to VENUS, also _retrogade in_ PISCES, _will stir up civil broils in Portugal; treachery and conspiracies amongst the priesthood are directed against the_ QUEEN _and Government of that country_."

Already, the poor QUEEN OF PORTUGAL sleeps in the tomb of the BRAGANZAS; but even RAPHAEL cannot be always infallible; not even for half-a-crown!

April is big with events; or rather with one event that must swallow up every other. MRS. POTTS is a playgoer, and with the sensibility of her sex, would "ten to one rather see the _Corsican Brothers_ than _Hamlet_." Therefore she reads the subjoined with corresponding perturbation.

"Scandal or death awaits one renowned in the theatrical world."

This is in April! Perhaps on the first of April? It cannot be BARRY, the deathless Clown, who shall be snatched from us? If, then, it should be the--the--the "renowned"--but no! we will not, we _cannot_ think of it! Ha! ha! ha! _Sardanapalus_ is himself again!

MAY is full of danger as of hawthorn. What _can_ the loyal MRS. POTTS think of this?

"MARS hastens, _as it were_, to apply the torch to the train of evil he has previously laid. _The highest power in the land is grievously afflicted._ It is the earnest prayer of RAPHAEL, that the direful influence of SATURN on the ascending degree and radical place of the luminaries in our beloved Sovereign's horoscope may be averted."

But this is nothing. "The highest power" is continually threatened; a prediction that, in the days of QUEEN BESS, would--we doubt not--have helped RAPHAEL to the highest gibbet. Again RAPHAEL turns the penny upon "our beloved Sovereign." In June, he says--

"I DARE NOT fully enter into ALL the important significations of these positions and configurations. _I sincerely pray that the health of our beloved Sovereign_ may be preserved, in which I am assured her subjects will universally join."

(Do we not behold RAPHAEL on his bended knees, "sincerely praying," with the half-crown in his mouth?) In July, however, our prophet makes merchandize of the QUEEN'S children.

"Saturn transits the place of the Sun in the nativity of the PRINCESS HELENA, producing a tendency _to disease in the chest_, &c., at the end of June and beginning of July. The 7th and 8th _are evil days_ for the PRINCE OF WALES, and the 19th for the PRINCE ARTHUR. _Their attendants should carefully avoid accident._"

These would have made very "evil days" for our prophet; evil as pillory and cart-whip could have shaped them. But we live in liberal times, and the Astrologer may turn his half-crown upon the probable diseased chest of the little PRINCESS HELENA, and the threatened dangers of PRINCES ALBERT and ARTHUR!

MRS. POTTS reads in August that "the KING OF NAPLES should beware of female intrigue, poison, or the assassin;" and--controlling her emotion--turns over to September, where she learns among other not impossible events that "great cruelty is displayed towards _some female_ about the 27th." MRS. POTTS thinks October a little slow. "Public writers and scientific men are unsuccessful:" and what of that? "The fine arts prosper!" Bother the fine arts: and straightway MRS. POTTS passes to November, _when_

"Much excitement reigns throughout the land; the long talked of invading army may, under these influences, make its appearance, and ere many months '_the wolf will come_.'"

With the intuitive calculation of woman, MRS. POTTS wonders where on earth she and POTTS are to sleep, if the Russians--which, of course, is meant by the wolf--is quartered upon 'em?

But this is nothing to what is threatened in December. MRS. POTTS continues to read with--very naturally--increasing fear and amazement. Fear for HER MAJESTY the QUEEN, and amazement at things in general! "Heaven preserve!"--cries the prophet in ominous tones--"Heaven preserve the health of our Sovereign, and also of her people!"--ending with the new version of a Dead March, set after this fashion:--

"Dark and gloomy clouds hover over us; and I regret to add that during the year 1855 the significations are still fearfully evil. I cannot at present discover one ray of hope."

What? Not for half-a-crown? Suppose, then, we make it three-and-sixpence!

Now, whilst the POTTSES continue to read the _Prophetic Raphael_--(it is the vagabond's "thirty-fourth year")--in the parlour--should they wonder at, should they punish poor SUSAN with the gypsey in the kitchen?

Take care--oh, ye masters and mistresses!--of the half-crowns, and in good time the spoons will take care of themselves.

* * * * *

A GOOD HATER OF BLUE-STOCKINGS.

"If anything could increase my extreme horror of Blue-Stockings, it would be the terrible suspicion I cannot divest myself of that every Blue-Stocking drinks. I fancy that the only person she pays her devoirs to--and those only in secret--is OLD TOM; and that it is as much as she can do to keep her lips away from him. The suspicion is a very ungallant one, but I cannot help imagining that when two Blue-Stockings get together, they do love a good soaking. In fact, who was the goddess who first gave her countenance to Gin? PALLAS, to be sure; and her very origin was the result of a drunken frolic, for are we not told that she came into the world during one of JOVE'S splitting headaches? Now PALLAS is the confessed patroness of all Blue-Stockings; and as a public-house is to this day called, in honour of her, a "Gin Pallas", it is not very unreasonable to suppose that her _protégées_ are addicted to the same terrible practice! It is sad, indeed, to think--and I only hope it is not true--that the Tree of Knowledge should, with elderly ladies, be a Juniper Tree."--_Anon._

* * * * *

PHRENOLOGICAL ORGAN MUSIC.

The Philharmonic Concerts are tolerably good; those of the Sacred Harmonic Society are pretty fair, but there is a musical entertainment now going on which, if it realises the object it aims at, must beat every other quite out of the field. A lady, MRS. HAMILTON, under the title of "Practical Phrenologist," professes, by advertisement, to give public performances, described by her as "Phrenology illustrated by Music." The shallow punster will of course remark that he imagined that the only organs susceptible of musical expression were those of the sort invented by ST. CECILIA, and not such as were discovered by GALL and SPURZHEIM; except that the phrenological organ of tune might, perhaps, sing for itself. However, HANDEL may be considered to have illustrated the organ of Veneration in his Oratorios; WEBER that of Marvellousness in his _Der Freischütz_ and _Oberon_; BEETHOVEN that of Ideality and the organs of the other sentiments proper to man, in combination with those of the reflective faculties, in his symphonies and sonatas; BELLINI and DONIZETTI the organs of Adhesiveness and Amativeness. ROSSINI might also be adduced as an illustrator of Gaiety or Mirthfulness, and Imitation, or the dramatic organ. But MRS. HAMILTON'S music, which is to illustrate Phrenology at large, and consequently all the organs, must, if it accomplishes as much as it attempts, be equal to HANDEL'S, BEETHOVEN'S, WEBER'S, ROSSINI'S, BELLINI'S, DONIZETTI'S; indeed to the music of all the great composers put together. She must be a sort of musical SHAKSPERE--than whom nobody else ever succeeded in giving illustrations of Phrenology, or the philosophy of human nature, at large.

To illustrate the whole of Phrenology by Music in one evening must be impossible. The shortest way to do it would be by means of a symphony, consisting of no less than thirty-five movements, if we are to consider the "Love of Life" and "Alimentiveness" as established organs. The latter of these might he elucidated, musically, by the introduction of "_The Roast Beef of Old England_;" for the former, just now, the best notion would, perhaps, be the Russian National Anthem turned into a fugue, to signify PRINCE GORTSCHAKOFF'S troops saving themselves as fast as possible from OMAR PACHA. But a series of performances would be required by the extensive nature of the subject; for any one organ, taken in all its combinations, might be played upon for a whole evening. Some of the organs are susceptible enough of musical treatment: "Philoprogenitiveness," or the instinct of paternal and maternal affection, but more especially of the latter, has its melody in the music of nature, as heard in the nursery, or issuing therefrom, mellowed by distance--the mellower from that cause the better. The effect in question MRS. HAMILTON (who appears to be a Scottish lady) might produce by the judicious employment--it would have to be judicious--of the bagpipes. "Acquisitiveness" rejoices in the jingling of money, which might be expressed by means of the triangles, introducing the appropriated air of "_Still so gently o'er me stealing_." "Self-esteem" would blow its own trumpet, of course; the want of it being expressed by transition to a minor key. "Destructiveness" could be disposed of by a crash. "Combativeness" might come out in the drums and fifes. "Firmness" might persist in a violoncello accompaniment. "Cautiousness," slow and sure, would speak in a gentle _adagio_. A lively _allegretto_ would represent "Wit." The music of Masonry would supply some hints for "Constructiveness." There are organs, however, which may rather puzzle a composer. No harmonious measures that one can well imagine would give any idea of "Form" or "Size," and "Locality" would seem to be quite out of the musical way.

MRS. HAMILTON informs the public, that she will lecture on living heads from the audience, assisted by the celebrated MRS. CARTER, "the JENNY LIND of Scotland." Hence, it seems that the music will be, partly at least, vocal. It may be surmised that MRS. HAMILTON'S lecture consists principally of recitative, which would be more suitable than an _aria_, a _bravura_, a _canzonet_, or a part in a duet, to the statement of anatomical and physiological facts. MRS. CARTER, we are told, will sing Scotch, English, and Irish songs. There is an Irish song called "_Donnybrook Fair_," which alludes strongly to the shillelagh, and may therefore be conceived to be very pertinent to bumps. England, doubtless, has ballads adapted to various organs besides the grinding; and in addition to "_John Andersen my Jo_," and many other songs of the affective faculties, there is a particular Scotch song that might be very useful to a lecturer on Phrenology. MRS. HAMILTON, in lecturing on living heads, may be obliged to describe the upper story of some gentleman as being similar in its build to that of the late MR. RUSH. Any unpleasant feeling, or objection on his part to such a statement, might be quelled by MRS. CARTER immediately striking up, "_A man's a man for a' that_."

Whether Phrenology is made any clearer or not by MRS. HAMILTON'S musical illustrations of it, we dare say that those illustrations are anyhow very well worth hearing.

* * * * *

FINE FEEDERS.

It appears that the Sheriffs of London are fined from £500 to £600, in the guise of a subscription to the LORD MAYOR'S Dinner. Now this is a tolerable fork-out, for any one who can stand it, even if destined to the promotion of a high object, but considering what kind of purpose it is actually squandered on, we must call it a knife-and-fork-out that is quite intolerable.

* * * * *

THE CZAR'S CHECK.

The EMPEROR OF RUSSIA has drawn his money out of the Bank of England, which he seems to identify with that of the Danube, whereon a handsome check was presented to him by the Turks.

* * * * *

PRETTY LITTLE THOUGHT.--The Squirrel jumps from branch to branch, the Flirt from beau to beau.

* * * * *

A REAL SCOTTISH GRIEVANCE.--LORD ABERDEEN.

* * * * *

KNOWLEDGE.--The Offspring of Thought, but much oftener an Adopted Child.

* * * * *

* * * * *

MRS. JANE GIMLET ON "CRUELTY TO WIVES."

"_Yeast Lane, Grinnidge, Haithedesemburhatingfiftethre._

"HONNURD MISTUR PUNCH,

"Heerin from them as nose u, that u wos allus a stikler for wimmins rites, i use no serrymony in a dressin of u wuns more, on beharf of my seks, as may well be called a fare seks to distinguish hit from yurn, as is allus tretin ourn so unfarely. For Surr, feemul flesh an blud cante abear no longer the way in wich husbans is a goin on, not that I speke of JON, wich is a good cretur, tho in respek of bein a man, he cante help aggrawatin sumtimes, but have never liff his hand upon me, an nose better than to try it on agin wun as can scrub ten flores a day, or git up a wekes wosh for a large famly in fore an twenty hours. But sum of my naybors as air not blesst with a good sperrit and constant maniwal heksersise, do get put upon terribul, an hime sure if u could see the pore creeturs a shoin of eche huther their oonds an brooses, for hall the world like hold soldiers after a battel, an here wun on em sain, 'My man give me this here gashly oond on my cheke bone with a smoothin hiren, last Wensday wos a weke;' an hanuther, tellin ow her JIM take an run a bradorle into her sholder, an swore hede skru her to the wall; an a thurd hexplainin ow her husban cum home drunk wen she wos aslepe, an tride to pitch her out of winder (wich she live up three pair o stares) an sed hede thro her litel wuns a top of her, and ood a done it too, honely her naybors cum in an purwented him, just as she wos amost spent with screechin an prayin, an hangin on by her highlids;--if u cood see an here all this an more too, as I sees an heres hevery day ude fele ure blud a bilin in ure wanes, fit to bleech ure werry skin. An then wots our remmydie? 'Lor,' I sez to NANCY JONES, the huther day, wen I see her cummin doun the lain with a blak hi, and her gownd tore, an hever so much of her bak hare torn hout by the rutes, wich her BILL had held hisself on by it, wile he punched her ed, 'Lor' I sez 'NANCY, if JON pull my hare so, od rabbit it, hide polecee him.' 'Donte tell,' sez she 'wot's the gude of poleecin of im? Poleece wood get him siks moneths an ard labor, an hoos to purwide for me an litel JAK, an ROSE JULEENER, an HAGONES, an SOFIER, wile hese enjoying of hisself in prizzen? He do kepe us now, and wede better liv and be bete, than keep hole bones an git no bred.'

"An she do speke no more than the plane truthe, Surr. Poleecin of a husban punishes the wife and not im. Prizzen gives im a warmer rufe over his ed than he ad afore; prizzen fare cunis more reglar than his hone, an cante be no planer nor harder nor scantier than wot he ave leff; prizzen reggulashuns kepes im clener an elthier an cumfurtabeller than he cood be in hour corts an hallies, an if prizzen labour wos from siks in the mornin till siks in the hevenin, its honely wot hese bin hused to. But the wife of his buzzum, as ave bin harf murdered by him, have to slave and drive to kepe bred in the mouths of _his_ children (an say NANCY JONES, 'if it wosn't for the children, Ide ave give im back his ring at the werry fust nok he giv me'), an must wurk arder than hany HUNCLE TOM as ever wos, or go to the workus, wich few peepul can abide, an hall this she must do in the hexpektashun of seein of im out agin, an of the preshus hidin she'll git at their next appy meetin. An so many a pore creetur nevver peeches on the man as is a killin of her, lest she shood bring herself to dounrite starvashun. But, Surr, if husbands wos to get as good as they gave, an have a preshus good hidin with a catoninetales hevery time they bete their wives, praps the smart of their own flesh wood teche em not to make huther peepul suffer, and if they wos flogged nere their one homes, the other brutes as node em, and as is naterally kowherdly, would kepe their hands off their wives wen they sede wot theid get by betin of em. An so I ope ule try to bring about corpral's punishment for such offences, wich i suppose it is so called becos the corprals does the floggin in the harmy, and hoblidge your

"Humbel charcoman,

"JANE GIMLET."

* * * * *

THE LIVERY OF THE CITY OF LONDON.

After the very conspicuous manner in which the City Corporation has been busying itself in the matter of PRINCE ALBERT'S Statue, the Livery of the City of London should be immediately altered to that which is usually worn at Court. As the Aldermen and others do not mind appearing before the public as flunkeys of PRINCE ALBERT, the least they can do is to wear His Royal Highness's livery.

* * * * *

THREE THINGS MODERN YOUNG MEN CULTIVATE.--The acquaintance of a young lady with plenty of money--shirt collars as high as a garden wall--and a moustache.

* * * * *

NEGLECTED SCOTLAND.

A sensible Scotchman writing from Haddington to the _Times_, says that "the real grievances of Scotland are not her insulted Lions, nor her deserted Holyrood," but lie in "her ill-paved, worse-lighted and undrained market-towns, and in the incurable apathy of the inhabitants to sanitary reform."

This gentleman says that, on Tuesday last, at a meeting of the inhabitants of Haddington, it was proposed to adopt the drainage clauses of the New Police Act. After an earnest and solemn appeal from their parish minister imploring them "to unite with heart and hand in bringing the influences of pure air and water to bear on the wretched homes of their poorer brethren," followed by an awful warning from a medical officer of the town, "the householders (many of them wealthy men)" rejected, by a majority of ten to one, a bill for their assessment, in order to have their streets and houses cleansed, at the rate of 10_d._ in the pound.

A week previously, the SCOTCHMAN states, the Haddingtonians had devoted a day to fasting and humiliation in the hope that the pestilence might be averted from them.

Fasting involves self-denial. The Haddington fasters cannot deny themselves to the amount of 10_d._ in the pound. They cannot fling that tenpence into the gutter, to sweep it, although the gutter is poisoning their poor neighbours, and may poison themselves too.

Christians are supposed to wash their faces when they fast. Whether the Haddington housekeepers accompany their fasting with any ablution may be doubted, since they refuse to pay 10_d._ in the pound for washing their town. By preference, for cheapness sake, they would rather perhaps fast in sackcloth and ashes; but as all sackcloth is now used up in sacks, whilst ashes are carted away for manure, their fasting possibly consists in wearing their usual clothes, and sitting still in their usual filth, and doing nothing. Whether they abstain from anything else--from haggis or sheep's head, or collops, or whiskey-toddy--in addition to abstinence from wholesome exertion--we do not know.

As to the Scotch Lion playing second fiddle in the Royal Arms, he may bless the sometime DUKE OF ARGYLE and his stars, and be contented to have any place there to fiddle in at all. By all heraldic right he ought to be ousted altogether, and his place should be occupied by the more appropriate emblem of a Pig; a whining, grunting, odoriferous Hog Rampant, sprawling in the filth of towns.

* * * * *

GARE LA GAROTTE.

Our friend and contemporary the _Sunday Times_ (whose zeal for the spread of Democracy, for the non-suppression of Betting Houses, and for the purification of the Turf and the Church, we gladly recognise), in commenting upon an excellent article in which the daily _Times_ dissuades the charitable from encouraging street mendicancy, has the following startling remarks:--

"While on this part of the subject, we would suggest the impolicy of withholding from the metropolitan mendicants, whether impostors or not, the scanty means of support....We would counsel the old ladies and gentlemen _not to hold their hands_, lest the sturdy vagabond, who now contents himself with extracting pence from their humanity by whining, _should take to strangling them in the dark streets_, as some members of the fraternity have lately done in Manchester."

Really, _Mr. Punch_, who believes that in his time he has done no bad service to the cause of real Democracy (by which he means a system for the benefit of the many and not of the few), begs to say that these utterances by the "Champion of Democracy," are more worthy of one of the ruined clients of the _Sunday Times_, the Betting House Keepers (who may now be properly termed vagabonds), than of a respectable journalist with his faculties in order. Threatening decent people with strangulation because they decline to assist imposture, is rather a strong argument. Luckily, there be things called Policemen.

* * * * *

_PUNCH_ AND HIS PIPPINS.

The "immediate apple of our eye" is an American apple, which we happen to have in our eye at the present moment. It is not an apple of discord, but an apple which comes home to our very heart's core with its assurances of friendship. A Correspondent, who signs himself "THE AMERICAN ENTHUSIAST," has allowed his enthusiasm to take the very sensible turn of a present of apples to _Punch_, who, while receiving it, proceeds to cut it up; and, like some critics, shows his taste by making mince-meat of it. We have perused the whole of the apples with great satisfaction, and though we might find a spot here and there, the blemish is only on the surface; for when we descend a little lower than skin deep, we find the apple quite worthy of the appellation of the American Prince of Pippins, which we hereby confer on it.

* * * * *

INTEREST FOR PRINCE ALBERT'S STATUE.

Give PRINCE ALBERT a Statue?--Yes, certainly, at the proper time; may it not arrive for a thousand years! But when it does arrive, up with the Statue; a Statue which shall have been merited by a highly useful life, whereof the promotion of the cosmopolitan fair in Hyde Park will have been one only among the remarkable acts. In the mean time, that the memorial may be worthy of the hero, put the money already subscribed towards it out to increase and accumulate; by which means, in addition to the interest which our descendants will take in the work, we shall also transmit to them compound interest that will help to pay for it.

* * * * *

* * * * *

Political Ins and Outs.

Everybody thought LORD PALMERSTON a thorough-going Reformer, but since he has left the Cabinet it would appear--from the _Times_--that his Lordship refused to remain in, because he is an out-and-out Tory.

A COLLECTIVE BEING.--A Tax gatherer.

* * * * *

HARD DEALING WITH A HAWKER.

Know, all men, that Falconry is no longer a British pastime, but Hawking continues to be practised, though, like Shooting, it is not lawful without a license, and in that case is punishable by a swinging fine. The _Sussex and Kent Mail_ contains a distressing illustration of this fact; which we subjoin:--

"TUNBRIDGE WELLS. PETTY SESSION,

Nov. 12.

"_Before_ J. DEANE, ESQ.

"HAWKING WITHOUT A LICENSE.--MICHAEL DERLEY was brought up in custody, charged with selling mats without a license. The accused did not deny the charge, but contended that he had a right to do so, as he manufactured the articles himself. He had done the same thing in hundreds of towns, and had never before been interrupted; _he had his mother and brother to support, both of whom were deaf and dumb_.

"MR. DEANE inquired if the prisoner had been cautioned, and on receiving a reply in the affirmative (from P. C. MORGAN) intimated that he could not allow the statement of the prisoner to influence his decision. The tradesmen of the town, as well as persons taking out licenses for hawking, must be protected, and he (the prisoner) must pay a _fine of_ £10, _or go to prison for seven days_.

"The prisoner requested MR. DEANE to inform him under what Act he was committed.

"MR. DEANE declined to give the information.

"The Clerk to the prisoner--You can find that out when you get to gaol."

Is there any mistake here? Was it for stealing mats that the prisoner was committed instead of being sent to gaol for selling them? If not, does there exist a law so atrocious as to warrant his committal?--if there is no such law, breathes there such a magistrate as MR. DEANE? And does Mr. Deane continue to hold a place on the Bench?

The poor man appears to have had a judge, as well as a mother and a brother, afflicted with deafness, if not dumb. MR. DEANE was deaf to his appeal for mercy, and dumb when challenged to justify his punishment. We cannot say, we hope that DERLEY obtained the information which he was so kindly informed that he might seek for in gaol. If no Act existed to warrant his incarceration, he would have a legal remedy for what morally, at any rate, was a false imprisonment.

* * * * *

DEBATE ON THE HUDSON QUESTION.

(_By slight Anticipation._)

IMPERIAL PARLIAMENT--Monday, 13th February, 1854.

HOUSE OF LORDS.

Their Lordships met at 5, but rose immediately, in order to afford various Peers an opportunity of hearing what was going on elsewhere.

HOUSE OF COMMONS.

Petitions having been presented, notices of motion given, and questions disposed of.

MR. ROEBUCK rose to bring on the motion which he had placed on the book. He said he should be very short (_A laugh_). He could not express his loathing and contempt for the vulgar and brutal ribaldry which could find matter for a grin in a man's appearance. He should be temperate, as all the world knew he always was (_Hear, hear_), and should merely read to the House an extract from a document to which the Hon. Member for Sunderland had sworn, and which that Hon. Member had placed on record in a Court of Justice, in which MR. HUDSON--(_Order_) What was the use of the servile pedantry that adhered to rotten forms? (_Order_.) Well, in which the honourable--very honourable--right honourable--would that do?--Member swore that he had expended certain moneys, or used other means, in bribing and corrupting members of the legislature to favour railway schemes in which he was interested. Conceiving that a legislator who could bring such a charge against his fellows was utterly unfit to sit among them, he should--without the least personal feeling--move that MR. GEORGE HUDSON be expelled the House of Commons (_Hear, hear_).

MR. HENRY DRUMMOND seconded the motion, but only for the purpose of saying that he perfectly believed every word to which MR. HUDSON had sworn (_Hear, hear_). He had last session given Lords and Commons, aye, and Ministers and Knights of the Garter too, his opinion of the extent to which corruption was carried in these days, and he reiterated his assertions. Still, though offences were to come, woe to them by whom they came, and therefore he should support MR. ROEBUCK.

The SPEAKER having put the motion,

LORD JOHN RUSSELL, as leader of that House, said that he should make very few remarks on a very painful subject. He had carefully looked into Magna Charta, and also into the Bill of Rights, and was inclined to believe that neither made any provision for the case of a railway director who should endeavour to promote steam-traffic by unlawful means. So far they were in the dark. But it was desirable, nay, necessary, to consider rather the spirit of the constitution than its exact letter, and he thought that if the House would refer the matter to a Select Committee, they might attain their object. The instruction to that Committee would be to inquire, first, whether steam carriages were known in the days of KING JOHN, and if not, whether any portion of Magna Charta appeared to bear on the case. Next, he thought, the Committee might inquire whether, at the Revolution, steam travelling had been invented, and how far the Bill of Rights might have contemplated wrongful Railway Bills. On receiving the report the House would determine on its next step. (_Hear._) He moved an amendment in accordance with his suggestion.

MR. DISRAELI was the last person to infuse into a question any element not patently consanguineous with it; but, with all deference to the noble Lord, he must respectfully inquire whether the noble Lord's suggestion did not tend to the implicit stultification of the House. Why, the noble Lord asked the Committee what he had already told them himself, and did not ask that which it was momentous to register; namely, whether in the chancery archives a damnatory record had been deposited. (_Hear, hear_.)

COLONEL SIBTHORP said that the noble Lord professed a great deal of virtue, which was all humbug. _Facilis descensus Averni_. He believed all Ministers to be knaves, especially when they most pretended to decency. _Timeo Danaos et dona ferentes._ He should leave the House (_laughter_); but before he went, he would just say that if the noble Lord, instead of wallowing in turtle and champagne (_laughter_), would introduce wise measures, he should be supported by wise men, himself amongst the rest. _Judex damnatur cum nocens absolvitur._

MR. G. H. MOORE said that had MR. HUDSON been an Irish Member he would have been expelled long ago, but such was the beastly bitterness of England towards his, MR. MOORE'S, unhappy countrymen that, as MR. HUDSON usually sat near the Irish Members, he was allowed to remain there in the hopes that he might contaminate the high and pure morality which they had learned from their beloved priests, and which shed a holy and blessed light around their path, to the utter discomfiture of the bigoted, blatant, and blasphemous Protestants.

MR. LUCAS confirmed MR. MOORE'S statement as to the virtues of the Irish, and the wickedness of the English, and made an animated attack upon the Church of England, adding an affecting history of the persecutions to which Catholics were exposed in Protestant countries.

MR. DUFFY, MR. SCULLY, CAPTAIN MAGAN, and other Irish Members having dilated upon this branch of the subject for about two hours, LORD PALMERSTON suggested--he hoped that as--a--a--an Irish proprietor, he might be permitted to offer a hint to Irish gentlemen (_laughter and cheers_), that they were a little departing from the points which perhaps offered themselves most prominently; at any rate--a--a--so it seemed to him. (_Hear._) Perhaps it might be advantageous on the present occasion to--a--a--sink the POPE. (_Great uproar on the Irish bench._) Of course he meant nothing offensive to His--a--a--Holiness. (_Laughter._) Honourable gentlemen had certainly travelled very far, but they seemed to have avoided Hudson's Bay. (_Shouts of laughter and cheers._) He thought, really, that as the Hon. Member for Sunderland was present, he might be asked whether he had anything to say for himself. English gentlemen were not in the habit of acting harshly or inconsiderately. (_Loud cheers._)

AN IRISH MEMBER (_indignantly_). "Are Irish?"

LORD PALMERSTON (_laughing_). "_Qui capit ille facit_", you know."

There were then calls for--

MR. HUDSON, who rose and said, "My position is noways pleasant, and I shall not intrude long upon the ouse. In the first place I never said, exactually, that I had bribed members of the legislature, but only that I had applied shares in a way calculated to promote the interests of a certain company. What I've said, I've sworn to; and what I've sworn to, I stick to, of course. I don't see anything to be ashamed of in what I have done; but people differ on these points, and every man has a right to his own opinion. The ouse can do as it likes. But one thing I do mean to say, and that is, that if the ouse has a bad opinion of me, I've a precious bad opinion of a good many people in the ouse, and out of it too. What was I? A provincial shopkeeper, who was lucky enough to make a deal of money. Very well. Did I court Dukes, and Markisses, and M.P.'s, and orficers in the Guards, and dowagers, and debbytarntes, and all that? Not I. They courted me. They came to my ouse, and ate my dinners, and flattered my family, because I'd got a load of money, no matter how; and because some of 'em thought they'd get a slice, the others wanted me to put 'em up to dodges to get money for themselves. Same in this ouse. I couldn't come in here, when I was rich, as the right hon. gentleman in the cheer has seen and knows, but a mob of young aristocrats, aye and old ones too, all gathered round my white waistcoat, and were all fawning and affable, and jocose like. Now, see how they keep away; and if I run against them, some cut me, some only nod. Is it because I'm worse than I was? No, only because I'm worse off. My golden sunshine brought out the vermin, and now that's gone they're gone too. You may expel me, but you can't make me forget, when I had my big ouse which the French have taken, how Lords, and Barnets, and Guardsmen, and the Hort No Bless, and their females crawled and cringed and fawned to the rich Yorkshire linendraper. And if I git right, as I don't doubt to do, I shall have 'em round me again. Money does the trick in England, and it's despicable cant to say it don't. I am in the ands of the ouse."

The Hon. Member's address caused considerable sensation, especially among certain strangers in the privileged galleries. MR. HENRY DRUMMOND was observed to rub his hands with much enjoyment. LORD JOHN RUSSELL'S amendment was negatived without a division, MR. ROEBUCK'S motion was then carried, and, on the motion of MR. WILSON, a new writ was ordered for Sunderland, vacant by the expulsion of MR. GEORGE HUDSON.

* * * * *

THE FASHIONABLE ZOOLOGICAL STAR.

We are sorry to see that the Zoological Gardens have lately got into the "Star system." Not content with a good working company of bears and monkeys, they must have particular "Stars" to bring the million in. Some time ago it was a hippopotamus, who made all London run after him. Then there was the baby elephant, who was a source of great interest to mothers. After them followed a chimpanzee, and a serpent-charmer, and a whole forest-full of humming-birds, and we cannot recollect what else. All of them, however, were great attractions in their way; in fact, it may be said that the animals lately have completely taken the shine out of the actors. As the theatres have gradually become more empty, the Zoological Gardens have perceptibly become more crowded. What actor, recently, has had anything like the success that for a whole season ran panting, pushing and squeezing after the Hippopotamus? It was a fight of parasols to get near him--it was a joy greater than that of a new gown to have seen him! What is the reason of this strange preference? Is it because the public prefer Nature to Art?--or is it because the actors speak, and the animals do not?

However, the "Star system" is not likely to be so ruinous here as at most places of entertainment. We need not say that the Zoological Stars receive no salaries, beyond their board and lodging; and they are not likely to ruin their managers with salaries like those. They are paid regularly every day at the usual feeding hour, and we have not heard of an instance of any animal, no matter how popular he may have been, having struck for more beans, or refusing to make his appearance unless he had a double allowance of paunches.

The latest "Star" at this establishment is the Giant Ant-Eater--that is to say, if you can call him a Star at all, for, with a tail like his, he is much more like a comet. It is indeed a tail!--so long is it, that you imagine it must have been originally published in four-and-twenty numbers, and that they are here all bound up together. And a pretty thick volume it makes too! DANIEL O'CONNELL'S "tail" must have been a wisp of straw compared to it. It hangs like a small willow tree--only instead of being green, it is a dark badger colour, and, in texture, resembles some of the long brushes we have seen made of Indian grass. It is as flexible as a party-politician, for it can be turned at will to any side. What is the use of such a tail it would be difficult to say, though as far as that goes, you might as well ask what was the use of a lady's bonnet, for the one is not worn more at the back than the other. When the Ant-Eater lies down to sleep, he throws this voluminous tail, like a Scotch plaid, round him, and we have no doubt it keeps him very warm. So, you see, it is of some use after all; and, for what we know, as he comes from a very warm climate, the Ant-Eater may use his tail in the summer to fan himself with. We are told that he is met with in the plains of the Brazils; but, from his habit of spreading his thick hedge of a tail all over his body, we should say that he was much oftener found in the Bush. In fact, it is a complete furs-bush--extending out nearly to the same length as his body. He is a curious animal, take him altogether. In shape he reminds you somewhat of a German pig, which is not the most elegant object a person can meet with on a long day's journey; only a German pig would be an English greyhound in symmetry by the side of him. The Ant-Eater is as hairy as a goat, and all along the ridge of his neck he carries a long frill of hair that stands upright, short and thick, like a long plate-brush turned upside down. Then the hair falls down his front legs, taking the form of a pair of black top-boots. These front legs look at first like hoofs, for the nails, the length of which any woman of spirit would envy, are turned underneath, and the noise he makes in walking upon them sounds exactly as if he had got clogs on. His snout, also, is extremely peculiar, being admirably adapted, from its length and narrowness, for getting the marrow out of a marrow-bone. It is longer than any cucumber reared by a penny-a-liner, only gradually tapering towards the end, in which is enclosed the tongue, to which it seems to act as a sort of case.

This case is made of bone; and, really, when the tongue issues from it, it looks like some very fine surgical instrument that had shot out of its case upon a spring being touched. We hardly know what to compare the snout to, unless it is a very long and thin strawberry pottle, that some wicked boys have been tying over his mouth. This strawberry pottle is his only feature, for his eyes are so small that they are rather eyelet holes than eyes; but then, in its great bounty it more than balances, and leaves a large surplus over, for the miserable poverty of his other features. We know of no other animal that could be so easily led by the nose. As for his coat, the hair on it takes various colours. You remark a long stripe of red running by the side of a long stripe of black or yellow. The colours, on his breast particularly, are as distinct, and the lines as sharply marked, as the different-coloured grains you see arranged in a seedsman's window. The poor animal looks remarkably stupid, but happy. He wanders about his cage in a very inquiring manner, looking for his blessed ants, whom he cannot find anywhere, and making with his claws the noise of a French peasant walking in wooden shoes. He leads a very fashionable life, being up generally all night, and sleeping all day. There his accomplishments seem to begin and end; for he does not sing, nor bray, nor bark, nor low, nor whistle, nor make any noise whatever, except the one with his toe-nails, which must be particularly disagreeable during the night to the poor Chimpanzee who lives in the next cage to him. We tried very hard to dive into the Ant-Eater's thoughts; but, with all our diving, could not bring up any satisfactory proof whether the beast was aware of the great popularity he had suddenly rushed into. Like BYRON, we suppose he awoke one morning, and found himself famous. Let him not be too conceited, for "Stars" rise and fall at the Zoological just as quickly as at other places.

* * * * *

* * * * *

SHAMEFUL DEAFNESS AND DEFECTIVE HEARING.

The late delivery of letters, and the illegal retention of books and prints by the authorities of the Post Office, have occasioned many remonstrances to be addressed to those officials, but without effect. The reason probably will be found in a new proverb, which it has become necessary to substitute for an old one. Instead of saying Deaf as the Post, it is now usual to say, Deaf as the Postmaster-General.

* * * * *

PALMAM QUI MERUIT.

It used to be generally supposed that LORD PALMERSTON had sufficient effrontery and self possession for the entire Cabinet, but circumstances have shown that he is the most retiring member of the Government.

* * * * *

THE COMING MAN.--Reform BILL.--_Lord John Russell_.

* * * * *

* * * * *

EXPOSTULATION WITH PALMERSTON.

Oh PALMERSTON! why hast thou fled Precisely when wanted the most? What could put it into thy head Just now to abandon thy post? Why run from the vessel away That needs thee to weather the storm? I cannot believe, what they say, 'Tis because thou dislikest Reform.

Resigning, too, suddenly, when Thou wast doing thy business so well! In the language of certain young men, It seems like a regular sell. Thine office in thus flinging down At this most particular nick Of Time, thou resemblest the Clown In a mischievous Pantomime trick.

But play out the part of buffoon, And show thyself only in jest; Return to help old PANTALOON, And HARLEQUIN JOHN, and the rest. Return, or the Grand Christmas Piece Will prove an unlucky affair; And COLUMBINE help to release, Now clutched in the grip of the Bear.

Alas! by that Bear hangs a tail, I fear me, for all we are told, Which, lifting obscurity's veil, A very short time will unfold. Meantime let the Ministers weep, Of such a supporter bereft, Until they their handkerchiefs steep, Crying, "PALMERSTON'S taken and left!"

* * * * *

A BRUSH WANTED.

A spirited young lady, in service in a very genteel family, remarks, "I should be sorry to reduce English sailors to a menial situation, but I own I should like to hear that our gallant fellows in the Black Sea had been scouring the Steppes."

* * * * *

THE FOOTPRINTS OF TIME.--Crow's-feet.

* * * * *

CLERGYMEN IN THE FARCE OF "TURNING THE TABLES."

Table Turning seems to be turning the heads of the parsons, and Spirit Rapping is likely to give a rap to certain Reverends which they will not speedily recover from. We confess to some experience in the practise of Spirit Rapping in connection with Tables, but the spirits employed in rapping have always been in tumblers of one kind or another. We have frequently suspected Satanic agency in some portions of our furniture, particularly in a quantity of cheap stuff which we purchased at a furniture mart, and which is scarcely worth the rap we have bestowed on it. We are in possession of a round table which is subject to fits of groaning and creaking, with an occasional tendency to the splitting of its sides, as if in very mockery of merriment. We must confess that the refractory table has been occasionally a good deal put upon.

The Clerical Table Turners seem to imagine that the Satanic agency is confined to a particular kind of furniture, but our own opinion is, that we are just as likely to find the "old gentleman" in the chair as in any other portion of our moveables. We do not see why the presence of the evil one should be confined to the work of the cabinet-maker or the carpenter, and indeed there are several articles of hardware which appear to be liable to visitations from invisible beings. Our own stock of crockery is undoubtedly exposed to such contingencies, for we now and then find an amount of breakage which, if our servants are to be believed, has not been done by any earthly agency.

* * * * *

AN EXEMPLARY ELEPHANT.

The performance of the Elephant that stands upon its head at Astley's is very seasonable. It represents the Balance of Power, which we wish LORD ABERDEEN could preserve in Europe as cleverly as the sagacious quadruped contrives to do on another theatre.

* * * * *

THE HEIGHT OF ABSURDITY.--The height at which in the present day shirt collars are worn.

* * * * *

* * * * *

A LIVING SUPERIORITY.--Woman has this great advantage over Man--she proves her will in her lifetime, whilst Man is obliged to wait till he is dead.

* * * * *

* * * * *

SURE SYMPTOMS OF CHRISTMAS.

(_By a Surly Old Bachelor._)

Punch,--I know Christmas is coming from certain well-known symptoms that never fail to present themselves at this time of the year:--

Because my landlady is so extremely civil to me, and brings me my shaving-water the moment I ring for it.

Because I have not had to complain for two weeks about my boots, and the coal-scuttle is generally pretty full of coals.

Because the breakfast is laid before I am up, and when I ask for toast with my tea in the evening, the kitchen fire has not once been out.

Because the impudent news-boy has been much earlier with the newspaper than usual.

Because, wherever I have called, I haven't had cold meat for dinner for ever so long--for two weeks at least.

Because I cannot get my bills in from my tradesmen--they smile, and scrape their feet in their vile sawdust, and murmur something about "any time will do, Sir," and present me with French plum and bonbon-boxes, and fancy I have nothing better to do than to lay in a plantation of Christmas trees.

Because the crossing-sweeper takes his hat off to me every time I pass.

Because the Beadle has been wonderfully profuse with his cocked hat, and the pew-opener, within the last fortnight, has nearly curtseyed me to death.

Because, wherever I have called, I have found all the servants smiling most unnaturally, and bringing me things I didn't want.

Because my little nephews have been so very affectionate to me lately.

Because my little nieces have run up to me, and kissed me in a way that was more flattering than agreeable, and I have had my great coat and hat and umbrella and goloshes pulled off me before I have had time to inquire whether my brother (he is only a clerk) was at home.

Because I have been bothered out of my life with so many inquiries about that "distressing cough" of mine, and have been recommended so many wonderful remedies that were sure to cure it,--which remedies, if I had only taken one half of them, I shouldn't be alive at the present moment.

Because the Waits wake me up at night, paying me the discordant compliment of playing opposite my window longer than anybody else's.

And because--but I think I have said enough of these symptoms, which luckily "come but once a year." After all, I don't know--perhaps they are not so disagreeable, for the attentions one receives at this period are as flattering to one's vanity as they are conducive to one's comfort. The worst is, one knows they all spring out of a Christmas Box--and these boxes, as I have learnt to my cost, are not to be had so cheaply as bandboxes. The enjoyment would be all the more enjoyable, if one hadn't to pay so dearly for it. During the Christmas month, my outgoings invariably exceed my incomings;--otherwise, I like it well enough, and shouldn't mind if the whole year were composed of nothing but Christmas months.

* * * * *

A FIT PUNISHMENT.

Our Aldermen are such neglectful conservators of the river Thames, that we propose they should be compelled to bathe in it regularly once a day, until some great improvement has been effected in its inodorous management.

* * * * *

ARCTIC MONOMANIA.

Those who send navigators to discover the North-west Passage remind us of _Hamlet_, although he described himself as only mad North-north-west.

* * * * *

PHYSIC FOR ALL EUROPE.

Political convulsions will not yield to chloroform--they are to be cured by reform only.

* * * * *

THE RETORT COURTEOUS.--The Retort that rectifies an error, and does it in the most refined spirit.

* * * * *

OUR BOTTLE-HOLDER.

So, PALMERSTON'S out! and the cannie Scotch Peer Whom he cuts, is in haste to be first with the story, And, to poison our PAM in the popular ear, Proclaims that for years our old friend's been a Tory.

But _Punch_ is afraid that another Scotch mull Is marking the course of the friend of ST. NICHOLAS; For the good MR. BULL is by no means so dull As not to perceive that the charge is ridiculous.

What! PALMERSTON, Liberty's champion in need, Who confronted oppressors with England's broad ægis, And haughtily ordered the despots to read On its blazon, the duties that Lords owe to Lieges.

Who has fluttered, not pigeons (like us, dear LORD A., Who all "pigeon-livered, lack gall" to sustain us) But Eagles, Spread, Double, Red, Black, White, and Grey, And cried "kennel!" to Kings with his _Civis Romanus_.

Whose name gives the sign for a chorus of groans, Where, crowned and anointed things gibber in ermine, And, where slaves crawl and slaver the footsteps of thrones, Sends them off to their holes, as the light does night vermin.

It really won't do. To your patron, the CZAR, When the now forming file of the newspapers comes, he Will laugh out in scorn with a royal "Ha! ha! To think ABERDEEN was so helplessly clumsy."

So, call him what you, for about forty years, _Were_--a Tory--or aught that comes into your noddle, One only regrets that in these days one hears Of so very few Tories who're built on his model.

He remembers the service by PALMERSTON done Since he took the portfolio, but yesterday hawked about; How, shoulder to wheel, he went through at a run, The work that all others had dawdled and talked about.

The grind for "six moons" to the wife-beating brute; The foot on the dens where turf-gamblers would cozen; The foul furnace throats made to swallow their soot; The yet fouler charnel yards closed by the dozen.

The lecture your Lordship's Scotch friends would not print, Who against Sabbath-breaking so tipsily hiccup; And the scourge he was knotting, by way of a hint To bid ruffians reflect before taking the stick up.

All this, my dear Lord, in our tablet's enrolled; And we'd very respectfully say to your Lordship, That the tales of your organs had better be told To those worthies, the resident soldiers on board ship.

For all the Scotch Lords who e'er blessed DUKE ARGYLL, Pouring out all their spleen by the gallon--Scotch measure, Could not poison JOHN BULL from his jolly frank smile, When he says, "_Punch_, here's PAM!" and _Punch_ says, "JOHN, with pleasure."

[_And they drink_ LORD PALMERSTON'S _health_.]

* * * * *

AN EXTREME TEST.

If you wish to ascertain the temper of a young lady, look at her nails, and the tips of her gloves. If they are jagged and much bitten, you may be sure she is peevish, irritable, quarrelsome, and too ready to show her teeth at the smallest provocation. This is an infallible test that every ill-tempered young lady carries at her finger's-ends. Do not attempt to kiss such a young lady under the mistletoe.

* * * * *

PROBLEM FOR THE ROYAL INSTITUTION.

Can no chemist tell us how to obtain a solution of the Eastern difficulty?

* * * * *

HOW TO SEE THE TEETH OF A BEAUTIFUL YOUNG LADY.

Praise her rival before her face, and you may depend upon it, she will soon show her teeth.

* * * * *

EQUESTRIAN ENTERTAINMENT.--The green-room of Drury Lane, all the time the horses were there, was turned into a "_Salle à_ Manger."

* * * * *

* * * * *

AN AMERICAN JOKE EXPLAINED.

We don't understand American institutions--that's a fact. We don't understand the American Press; which is one of the greatest of those institutions. Deficient in the sense of irony, we take the playful abandonment--the jocose mystification--of the American newspapers as simple statement. Hence multitudes of dull worthy people among us will receive the _New York Tribune's_ account of the reception of the runaway convict, MITCHELL, at New York as a prosaic and authentic narrative of that event. Had GREENACRE, by some chance, escaped the gallows, they will be inclined to think, he too would have been hailed with enthusiasm and acclamation, as an accession to the worth and manhood of American citizenship. For MITCHELL resembled the other chiefly in the circumstance of not having been hanged. He was no mere political non-conformist and unsuccessful opponent of the existing order of things, vulgarly and technically termed a rebel. He was a traitor in the vilest sense of the word: a malignant hater of the QUEEN and the country: the sort of traitor that mediæval justice contemplated when it sentenced the criminal so called to be hanged, drawn, and quartered. He was a sanguinary cruel caitiff; a dogged miscreant who not only preached pike massacres, but yelled and raved for sulphuric acid, which he would have had rascals to squirt into soldiers' eyes. Those, therefore, who are not up to American drollery will naturally be scandalised by the seemingly sympathetic description, given by the _New York Tribune_, of the advent of such a fellow amongst the freest and most enlightened people on earth. Says our facetious contemporary:--

"As the _Prometheus_ came up the river, she was boarded by MESSRS. MEAGHER and WILLIAM MITCHELL, the brother of the patriot. The meeting between these friends in sorrow and persecution was affecting in the extreme. Tears of joy were shed on both sides."

Tears which scalded the cheeks down which they flowed; being vitriolic. Without this comment--which would have spoiled the gravity of the burlesque--the _Tribune_ proceeds:

"On nearing the wharf, the news of MR. MITCHELL'S arrival spread like wildfire, and ships and piers were literally swarming with the immense throng who crowded to give him a freeman's welcome."

No doubt this is the naked truth. There are, unfortunately, a great many scoundrels and ruffians in New York who have an ardent admiration for a fellow scoundrel and ruffian. It is unnecessary that a New York journal should explain that these vagabonds are not Americans. But that explanation is requisite for our stolid readers, whom we will presently tell who the wretches really were. An individual of the noble and generous American nation would as soon think of hugging a rattle-snake or a copper-head, as of taking to his bosom the venomous and vitriol-squirting MITCHELL.

As MR. MITCHELL and his companions proceeded to their destination--which, notwithstanding the impulsive nature of American moral feeling, was not the nearest pump--he experienced various honours, which the waggish reporter of his triumph enumerates with whimsical exaggeration--particularising "roar of artillery," "dense mass of human beings," the carriages that bore them, being "followed by the throng," his way resembling "the march of a conqueror"--not by any means such a march as that of a man who is drummed out of his regiment. His friends, the funny journalist avers, "were almost ready to take him from the vehicle, and carry him upon their shoulders," and he was "surrounded by a large number of the citizen-soldiery and NANCHAN'S band." Among these troops were the "Irish Rifles," whose weapon, of course, is the vitriol squirt--the "MITCHELL Guard," the "MEAGHER Grenadiers," with "Cabbage Garden," probably, emblazoned on their colours; and sundry other regiments and guards, which--it was superfluous to inform the New Yorkers--were ragged and--black.

Here lies the point of the whole joke. Misled by a parcel of Uncle-Tom-foolery, we are apt to regard the coloured population of the States as an oppressed race. They are, indeed, shunned and disliked; but that is entirely by reason of their incorrigible villainy. They won't work, but they will squat on an estate, and if compelled to clear off and make room for industrious whites, they shoot the owner of the property from behind a hedge. Rescued from starvation consequent on their unthrift and laziness, they turn and curse the benefactor who feeds them. Such were they who shouted welcome to MITCHELL; and only think how secure a people must feel in their republican liberty to permit a mob of savages to indulge in such a demonstration! This base and brutal multitude did not contain one American citizen. Their bands are stated to have played Irish melodies, "Star Spangled Banner," "Yankee Doodle," and other national airs. No, no. The ragamuffins hated the stars as well as the stripes too much; and they no more played "Yankee Doodle" than MITCHELL sang "Rule Britannia." Their music may have included Irish melodies; but their other national airs were limited to the class comprising "Lucy Neal" and "Ole Dan Tucker." They were an assemblage of odious, miserable, ugly, degraded brutes, connecting links between mankind and the monkey. There was not a single Anglo-Saxon in the whole lot. In short, they were all--NIGGERS.

* * * * *

CHARITY FOR CHURCHMEN.

Our friend the BISHOP OF LONDON has published a circular urging his clergy to exert themselves to recruit the failing finances of the Society for Promoting the Employment of Additional Curates in Populous Places. Very good; let all the other bishops issue similar injunctions; and perhaps they will not forget to point out that a great many additional curates might be provided for populous places out of the excess of income enjoyed by pluralists, who are the incumbents of places, some of which are comparatively uninhabited. Their Lordships might, by example as well as precept, urge their over-paid clergy to exert themselves for the required object, by pulling out a large amount of their superfluous revenues, if they can possibly stand so much exertion. Perhaps it would be as well to try the effect of this exhortation on the clergy first, and appeal to the laity, if necessary, afterwards.

* * * * *

THE REAL REASON.

LORD PALMERSTON has resigned. Speculation is rife as to the cause. We are in a position to state confidently, that his retirement is owing neither to the Eastern question, nor the Reform Bill, but to the despair of the active Home Secretary at the deluge of letters which he has drawn down by his offer made at Perth to listen to everybody's grievances, and consider everybody's suggestions--an undertaking which he has found himself so utterly unable to redeem, that he has determined on withdrawing altogether from the attempt.

* * * * *

JOKE FOR THE STOCK-EXCHANGE.--Instead of asking "How goes the Enemy?" for "What's o'Clock?" we now ask, "How goes the EMPEROR OF RUSSIA?"

* * * * *

THE ALDERMAN'S HOPE.

Stand PRINCE ALBERT a Statue--it then mayn't be hard To induce him to stand, by and by, for a Ward; There ain't any lor, as I knows on, agin it, And there's nothing, as I see, preposterous in it.

The wery next year pop him into the Chair, And have the PRINCE CONSORT himself for LORD MAYOR, With an out-and-out Show on the ninth of November-- Of the PRINCE OF WALES that, too, 's the birthday, remember.

What a sight!--to behold it all London would trudge-- The RECORDER presenting the PRINCE to the JUDGE, Relating his history, birth, education. And how he has always behaved in his station.

His R'y'l Highness to see, his official robes drest in, A countin' the hobnails--oh how interstin'! The _Illustrious News_ would set forth the whole story, With a beautiful cut of the PRINCE in his glory.

Only fancy the feast at Guildhall--'t would be splendid, And then what if the LADY MAY'RESS condescended To honour the spread--and to give circulation To the Loving Cup--kissed to her liege Corporation!

Why there we should witness--whilst we was a-dining-- The Mace and the Sceptre in friendship combining, Bound together with garlands of laurel and myrtle; What a comfort to view as we sucked up the turtle!

Because we should hail in that union a token Of a tie to be never undone, cut, or broken; And a pledge that, as long as the Crown stands unshaken, From Reform London City shall save its fat bacon.

* * * * *

MAN LOVES--WITH A SAVING CLAUSE.

An Old Maid, who confesses to thirty-five, says: "She doesn't believe--not a bit of it--in the nonsense that men talk about breaking their hearts! It's her firm belief there never was a man yet who broke his heart--or if there was, that he broke it as a lobster breaks one of his claws, another one shooting up very quickly in its place."

* * * * *

THE DEMON OF THE MONEY-MARKET.

Any success gained by the Russians over the Turks causes a fall of the funds of course; because the CZAR'S invasion of the Principalities is in fact a mere Bear Speculation.

* * * * *

A NEAT CHRISTMAS BOX.

There is a little book called "What Shall I Do with my Money?" Had not the author better send a copy of it to the Registrar of the Prerogative Court of Canterbury?

* * * * *

THE GOOD OLD DRINKING DAYS.--When every Jack had his Gill.

* * * * *

A VOICE FROM THE OMNIBUS-BOX.

"MR. PUNCH SIR,

"Wich it is well known you ain't no friend to 'bus drivers in giniral but as the friend of umanity our conductor says as ow you may be rote to on a subjec wich hevery man as works a 'bus on the Kinsinton line ave somethink to say to. Now the frost as set in its ard lines for our 'osses and nosayin wen youre to get thro a jurney along of that ere blessed Ide Par Corner ill and the Gore wich it is the artbreakinest bit o' road anyweres out o' London and osses lyin about this week in all direckshuns, like the stage at Hashleys arter the battle o Waterloo, and hinsides as sticks to their places and wont get hout no not to walk a hinch and the poor 'osses a tearin their arts out wich it goes to a man's art to use the wip to an oss as is doin its best, and conductors hup and down like arlekins hevery minit, and city-gents hawful cross and no wonder tied to time all as one as a 'bus. And all the while there's that ere byootiful bit o' road through the Park, nice new gravel and no ills and we mustn't turn out o' the road into the Park no not if our osses died for it and why not, I'd like to know?

Why acos we're 'bus-drivers and its a buss and the osses is buss osses and the riders ain't people as keeps their carridges, wich we arnt haristercratical enuff for the Parks as is public propity and kep up houter rates and taxes wich who pays them I know well enuff, and keeps them 'ere parties in the green livries so uncommon snug and pleasant not to speke o' the crushers. Now wot a city gent as rides reglar with me says is this 'ere ain't the publick convenience nothink and cruelty to hanimals wich we drivers is pulled up pretty sharp if we works an 'oss with a collar-gall, a speedy-cut or anythink like that 'ere and its forty shillin in no time. I'd a rote this to LORD PALMERSTON wich he said hanybody was to rite heverythink as was rong to im and e'd see justice done wich it aint now I know not by a jolly lot but he's out and so I rites to you instead opin you'll excuse the libberty and speke to the Guvment leastways SIR WILLIAM MOLESWORTH as is a friend o' the people wich is well beknown, to ave the Park hopened to public carridges--that is 'busses, for the cabbies can rite for themselves.

So no more at present from your umbel servant,

JOHN BROAD. (_Driver No. 3 Ardwick these twelve year and never pulled up wonst._)

* * * * *

A WASH WANTED BY GOVERNMENT.

Tenders will be received at the Office of the First Lord of the Treasury, or the Office of the Foreign Secretary, for COSMETICS to Improve the COMPLEXION of EASTERN AFFAIRS.

By Order of their Lordships, _Downing Street, 22nd Dec., 1853._ R. E. D. TAPE.

* * * * *

THE GYMNASTICS OF BRIBERY.

The power of lifting a chair depends entirely upon the way in which you take hold of it: and so it is with a seat in Parliament--perfectly hopeless to think of picking one up, unless you can command a good _purchase_.

* * * * *

"WHO'S DAT A-KNOCKING AT DE DOOR?"

ALFRED DE MUSSET'S proverb tells us very positively that "_Il faut qu'une Porte soit ouverte, ou fermée_". The EMPEROR NICHOLAS seems to be of the same opinion, and he is now trying with all his might and main, both on land and water, to have the Porte shut up as quick as he can. We hope he will only succeed in having the Porte slammed in his face.

* * * * *

A CHILDISH CONUNDRUM FOR LITTLE CHILDREN.

_Q._ Of what wood should a Christmas Tree be composed?

_A._ Of Box, and so make it a Christmas-Box Tree.

* * * * *

CHRISTMAS WAITS--for "The Good Time Coming, Boys,"--only we suppose that, like us, Christmas must "wait a little longer."

* * * * *

WORDS! WORDS! WORDS!--Long words, like long dresses, frequently hide something wrong about the understanding.

* * * * *

THE OLDEST NOTE OF INTERROGATION.--A note, asking you if you are engaged on Christmas Day?

* * * * *

EXPERIENCE.--Women dislike talkative men: _they know how it's done_.

* * * * *

A LAZY HORSE.--The Pegasus of Genius seldom stirs without the spur of necessity.

* * * * *

* * * * *

LIFE AND DEATH ASSURANCE.

Among our Provident Institutions are Life Assurance Societies for Parents, which are Death Assurance Societies for Children. They are otherwise called Coffin Clubs. They engage to find the money for the coffin: the subscriber, father or mother, finds the occupant for it--by murder.

The Grand Jury at the Liverpool Assizes has expressed its opinion that the temptation thus afforded should be destroyed by law. That might be done, perhaps, by prohibiting the club from paying anybody on account of a death but the undertaker. But what need of such clubs at all?

Such clubs are necessary to protect the poor from being ruined by a heavy expense. But why the heavy expense? When I have shuffled off this mortal coil--what does it want, except to be put reverently underground? Cannot that be done for a very small sum of money? Why is it not done on reasonable terms? Simply because the mode of doing it is not reasonable. Its performance is attended with a useless sacrifice of furniture--necessitated by the tyranny of custom--to show what is falsely termed "proper respect." Proper respect is affectionate memory--not furniture.

Should I want "proper respect" to be shown to my leg, if I had the misfortune to lose it, by having it enclosed in an ornamental box, and deposited in a subterranean apartment, with a large expenditure in wages, coach-hire, silk, and crape, and feathers extracted from the tail of a great bird? If the leg is not to be treated with such "proper respect," why is the trunk?

The rich show "proper respect" by means of ostrich feathers and such like. The poor are obliged to follow their lead as far as they can--and farther. Hence Coffin Clubs--whence infanticide.

Superior Classes, every nail that you drive to show "proper respect," is an incentive to child-murder.

* * * * *

THEORY AND PRACTICE.

CARDINAL WISEMAN, in his interview with the POPE, promised his Holiness, that in a few years there would not be a single heretic in England. Of course this is only "theor-heretically speaking," but we are afraid the CARDINAL will find the practice quite another thing.

* * * * *

THE HOME OF THE BRITISH DRAMA.--A French Crib.

* * * * *

THE WAITS TO THE CZAR.

Word of Peace!--on Earth first spoken nigh two thousand years ago, Art thou at this moment broken?--and who dares belie thee so? 'Tis a tyrant, cruel, scheming, whose ambition takes the field In the very name, blaspheming, which that message then revealed.

Frost and snow, keen Christmas weather, and the biting winter wind, Bid us lovingly together huddle closely, all mankind; Blood is on the Danube freezing; wounds are agonized with cold, Only for the sake of pleasing one proud felon uncontrolled.

All good souls are now beseeching blessings on their fellow man, But one savage, overreaching, brutal despot, thousands ban. On the field of battle lying, torn and mangled for his whim, Hear we not the tortured dying call down curses upon him?

Nations now like kindly neighbours should, as round the Yule log, close. Must we take to guns and sabres? Will the tyrant make us foes? Hear the wounded writhing under Cossack hoofs and lances then, Gracious Heaven! and may the thunder of our cannon roar Amen!

* * * * *

ORIGINALITY.

Originality (says GOETHE) provokes originality; and we must say, that at Billingsgate, and in the House of Commons, the provocation sometimes is exceedingly strong. The smallest provocation we know of the kind is in the British drama; in fact so small is it, that we doubt if it amounts to any provocation at all. We only wish some one would provoke somebody else to write an original play, by writing one first himself.

* * * * *

THE GOLDEN AGE OF LIFE.--Youth is the season for active exertion; and all those who emigrate to the Diggings ought to be Minors.

* * * * *

* * * * *

* * * * *

THE CAB QUESTION IN A NEW LIGHT.

Dirty carriage--wretched horse, Driver insolent and coarse; Prompt with ruffianly air To extort a double fare. If your rights you would maintain, And to Magistrate complain, Bullied by a Counsel brought To abuse you in the Court, For the dirty business paid By the union of the trade, Who can penalties afford From results of frequent fraud-- Gentle Public, if you'd shun Fifty nuisances in one, Write it down on memory's slab, "Never take a London Cab!"

Gentle Public, come with me, And another picture see. Handsome carriage--decent horse-- Driver neither rude nor coarse; For the same as Cabman's fare, Prompt to take you anywhere. If appearance you'd maintain, There's no reason to complain; To your door the Clarence brought, Fit to drive you, e'en to Court. Gentle Public, tell me why Don't you patronise a Fly?

* * * * *

CHURCH CANNONS.

A DR. CHURCH has invented some pieces of artillery which load at the breech; and two of them have been tried at Woolwich with perfect success. In these days, when ecclesiastical authority is so greatly at a discount, we are glad to recognise a CHURCH whose cannons are a hit. We believe that these cannons cost much less than the average of cathedral dignitaries.

* * * * *

CHRISTMAS PRESENCE.

_Presence of Matter._ In the Court of Common Council.

_Presence of Mind._ In _Punch's Almanack!_

* * * * *

THE HANWELL COOKERY BOOK.

So much progress has been made in that humane treatment of insane persons, which allows them to follow their ordinary callings and pursuits, that nearly all the in-door work of many lunatic asylums is now performed by the patients.

Thus at Hanwell there are lunatic gardeners who keep their parterres and greenhouses in a most rational state of order and neatness, and we have not heard that the cracked violinist, to whose music his poor companions are allowed to dance, is in the habit of mixing up "Pop goes the Weasel" with the Dead March in Saul, or committing any similar instrumental vagary, as many might expect. Encouraged by the success of the gardening, washing, ironing, tailoring, and other experiments, the Directors of this noble establishment have recently attempted to extend this employment of the insane to the higher branches of household economy--including the great mystery of the kitchen.

But insane cookery, to judge of the specimens of the Hanwell _cuisine_ which are now before us, does not seem likely to turn out so well as the simpler arts to which the presence of the wits does not appear absolutely indispensable. It is to be feared that the digestions of the inmates of the asylum might be seriously impaired by such dishes as the following:--

_Soufflet à la Bombardino._

Take three-quarters of a pound of Dorking lime, two ounces of the best saltpetre, and a coffee-cup full of tin tacks. Beat well together with a whisk, bake for seven minutes and a quarter; add a few horse-chestnuts, a handful of cow's hair, and a gill of lemon juice. If the cook be a dissenter, or have secretly married the butler, the lemon juice may be omitted.

_Apoplectic Jelly._

Take four hundred kangaroo's eggs, and when the water is hot simmer gently, stirring in dandelion leaves one by one: strain all through a thin deal board, and set it by in a pint basin to cool. This will keep for any length of time (if DR. CONOLLY is not allowed to look at it), and will serve as a vegetable for sick people or young children. If not sweet enough, add some indigo and a pound of steel-filings.

_Oltenitza Pudding._

Take some old Russia duck and shred it in a stew-pan with as much water as you can pour in without putting the fire out. When the feathers are loose pluck them out carefully, and mince with forced meat for garnish. Put in half a tablespoonful of salt, a bunch of chopped straw, and a little grated pumice-stone, then add the rice. Sweeten to your taste, dress with your garnish, and serve in a napkin. A few tea-leaves sprinkled over, will make it look more inviting. If anybody comes into the kitchen while the stew-pan is on the fire, put it under the table.

_Methuselah Fritters._

Have some castor-oil boiling, slice three large heads of mangel-wurzel, and put them in your castor-oil till quite crisp. Try them with your finger. If done enough they will burn you. Add three oysters, a nutmeg, a teacupful of brown sugar, and a capsicum. If more flavour is wanted, you may add a tablespoonful of Bath brick. Serve up hot on a gridiron. If for a second course, tripe may be substituted for the mangel-wurzel, but oil of vitriol is preferable.

_Croquettes à la Conolly._

Steal a marrow-bone from which the marrow has been taken out, and burn it till charred. Then scrape it into a butter-boat, with two spring onions minced, an oyster-shell, and a quarter of a pound of dry glue. Put up in shapes, and let it stand till it is mouldy. Have some treacle cold, and when it boils, dip your croquettes in it one after another, and serve up in the middle of next week. If made with marine glue they require more care, but will eat all the crisper. The yolks of two shop-eggs may be added, but this is a matter of taste, and unless the eggs are very stale they will give your croquettes too nutty a flavour. Some roll the croquettes in the ashes, but this is not to be recommended, unless where there are foreigners at table and a man servant is kept.

* * * * *

SERJEANT ADAMS ON A KNOTTY POINT.

MR. SERJEANT ADAMS occasionally makes sensible remarks. In the course of the other day, for instance, alluding to some misrepresentation of his opinions on the system of flogging, which had got abroad, he is reported to have said that

"He had for years watched the progress of that system, and had had ample opportunities of doing so, on account of so many children tried before him; and he had so frequently found that the commencement of a child's criminal history was with three days' imprisonment and a whipping, and after that beginning the child so constantly came back to this court, that his mind quite revolted from passing a sentence involving whipping at all."

"Give a young thief a whipping, and have done with him," is a very common prescription of Common Sense for the cure of juvenile delinquency. Common Sense, however, sometimes jumps to conclusions which are not verified. Common Sense uttered predictions concerning gas and steam, which have not come to pass. And the views of Common Sense concerning discipline for youthful offenders are perhaps rather too summary. "Give the young thief a whipping"--very good. The thing is done with small expenditure of time and material. It does not take many minutes: it is attended only with a slight wear of whipcord: cost you a farthing, as MR. PEPYS would have said: and a certain laceration of human integument, cost you absolutely nothing. You lose nothing whatever in raw material. Therefore inflict the whipping on the young thief. And have done with him? Ah! "If it were done, when 'tis done, then 'twere well it were done quickly." But it appears that you won't have done with him. On the contrary, after that beginning, the child constantly comes back to this court, as ASSISTANT-JUDGE ADAMS says. After all, is it not manifest even to Common Sense--if Common Sense will exert itself--that to attempt the reformation of a child--and for what else would you punish a child?--by whipping him, is really beginning at the wrong end? The application of the scourge belongs to the operative part--the surgery--of the treatment of criminals; and operations should be resorted to only when all other remedies have failed. Primarily, the whip lacerates the skin; but the laceration is succeeded by hardening of the part that was lacerated; but not only by that: by the induration, also, of any amount of heart that the patient may previously have been endowed with. After such a beginning, no wonder that he comes back to this court or that. No: the lash is a valuable application, so is lunar caustic, so is lapis infernalis, or the actual cautery itself. But reserve it for desperate cases. Resort to it only in those of subjects that have lost all sensibility to every other appeal. Keep stripes for the ruffian who savagely maltreats his wife; for the hopeless brute, for the irreclaimable blackguard. And administer them to him in such a dose that he will not readily come back to any court to have it repeated. But a little whipping is a dangerous thing. It degrades and brutalises without subduing. You must lash a human being like a hound if you want to conquer him as you would conquer a hound--and it surely would be rather too severe to carry flagellation to that extent with juvenile offenders. It is not fair, moreover, to use the rod till you have first tried the schoolmaster.

* * * * *

VERY UNSEASONABLE INTELLIGENCE.

One of "Our own Correspondents," speaking of the recent disaster at Sinope, rather startles us with the announcement that

"Turkey for the present is unquestionably worsted."

If this be literally the fact, we only hope our country friends will postpone their usual hampers until Turkey is itself again.

* * * * *

SEASONABLE INCONSISTENCE.

A jovial young printer of our acquaintance having declared the other evening that he had left off work, was found under the misletoe a little later most busily employed in printing kisses.

* * * * *

UNEVENHANDED JUSTICE.

Our old friend, SIR PETER LAURIE, in his recent modest letter to the _Times_ upon the legal (as well indeed as social, moral, and in universal) worth and excellence of our Aldermen, marks with a special note of admiration the gratifying fact, that the number of acquittals from our City Police Courts falls considerably below the usual percentage. Recollecting SIR PETER'S old propensity for "putting down," we are in some degree prepared to find that such a fact as this should be a matter of rejoicing with him. SIR PETER clearly holds that the proof of the trial is in the finding guilty, and he has, doubtless, but a low opinion of those judicial courts where mercy is allowed to "season justice." "The rigour of the law" is clearly no unmeaning phrase in SIR PETER LAURIE'S eyes: indeed, we almost doubt if _Judex damnatur cum innocens absolvitur_ be not in reality his first legal maxim.

Whatever SIR PETER'S present faults may be, there is no denying that he has rid himself of an old one. We cannot certainly accuse him of tenacity of opinion, when he shows himself so evidently prone to conviction.

* * * * *

CLERICAL TABLE-TURNERS AND SPIRIT-RAPPERS.

Clerical gentlemen are going about the country, giving entertainments, and making exhibitions of themselves, in connection with table-turning, spirit-rapping, and other freaks of furniture. The usual places of amusement, such as the concert-rooms and lecture-theatres are being occupied by clergymen, who admit the public at fixed prices to hear, but unfortunately not to see, the wonders on which they expatiate. By way of EXTRA ATTRACTION FOR THE HOLIDAYS we recommend any one of the Reverend Mountebanks to go the whole hog, or rather the whole ma-hog-any, by taking some establishment suited to scenes in the circle, and giving an entertainment, with a programme something resembling the following:--

THEATRE ROYAL ANYWHERE.

General combination of Table-turning talent. By a happy concurrence of fortuitous events, the REVEREND SAMPSON SPOONEY, the REVEREND MEALY MOUTHPIECE, and the REVEREND JABEZ JAWBONE are now in London together and will have the honour of appearing in conjunction with the

MOST SPLENDID STUD OF HIGHLY-TRAINED TABLES.

For a few evenings, during Christmas, SAMPSON SPOONEY in his rapid act of horsemanship on the

WILD TABLE OF THE NEW CUT.

This astounding table will dash through an open window, spin round for a quarter of an hour, and conclude its wonderful performance by leaping out of the circle, with the REVEREND SAMPSON SPOONEY hanging on to its castors.

To be followed by the

REVEREND MEALY MOUTHPIECE AS THE COURIER OF EXETER HALL,

On six dining-tables in full gallop, all of which will take an astounding leap over each other's backs; and conclude by throwing a succession of somersets over a sideboard.

In the course of the evening, the

REVEREND JABEZ JAWBONE, IN THE HAUTE ÉCOLE,

will introduce his

FAVORITE AND HIGHLY-TRAINED TABLE "ROSEWOOD,"

which will dance the _Valse à Deux Temps_, go round the circle on three legs and terminate its graceful evolutions by a marvellous display of sommersaults.

The entertainments will finish with a pleasing act by MASTERS JAWBONE and SPOONEY, the celebrated juvenile prodigies, on a pair of card-tables. The intervals of the performances will be filled up by the solemn mummeries of the celebrated clerical buffoon, the REVEREND TIMOTHY TWIST, assisted by a Deathless Clown from Drury Lane, and other available talent.

* * * * *

"UNE BONNE BOUCHE."--When a young lady says her heart is in her mouth. (_Hem! Hem!_)

* * * * *

CATCHING PEOPLE'S EYES.

Compassionating the exceeding difficulty to which advertisers seem to be reduced, at this period of the year (when, as there are, of course, no Christmas bills coming in, one's wives and children ought to be reminded to make onslaughts upon the marital and paternal purse), _Mr. Punch_ has kindly prepared, and hereby places at the disposal of the mercantile interest, a variety of advertisement headings calculated to attract the eye. Any person using any of them will enclose samples of his wares (carriage free, or porterage paid), to No. 85, Fleet Street.

* * *

A THING OF BEAUTY IS A JOY FOR EVER, an exquisite remark which would have derived additional force from the fact, if it had ever happened, that the POET KEATS, on the day he penned it had tasted the delicious Dairyfed Pork, sold by &c.

* * *

WILL MR. DISRAELI TAKE OFFICE? is a question asked by many, and answered by many others, according to their political views. But there would be no question at all, whether, if the article were placed before him, MR. DISRAELI, whose taste is unrivalled, would take our Potted Bloaters, price One Shilling, and to be had only, &c.

* * *

THE RUSSIAN FLEET HAS SUNK in the estimation of Europe since ADMIRAL BOTCHAMOFF refused to victual it with our pressed Beef. Surely this will raise the Beef in the regard of all true Britons, who have only to apply at No. &c.

* * *

LORD JOHN RUSSELL HAS HAD A FIT.--To be sure he has, and you may have a fit too, if you will have the good sense to clothe yourself, as his Lordship does, at the establishment of SMOUCH Brothers, Tailors, &c. &c.

* * *

HUSBANDS! BEAT YOUR WIVES, that is, if you can, in the struggle to make home happy. You will have the best chance of succeeding, by presenting them with scrubbing brushes, tooth brushes, nail brushes, hair brushes, bottle brushes, blacking brushes, bonnet brushes, paint brushes, and other domestic comforts, from Bristles and Co., at &c.

* * *

THE CHURCH IS IN DANGER!--No, not while her Ministers do their duty. But those who go to church, this weather, are in great danger of catching severe colds unless they wear Furs, and these can be best obtained at &c.

* * *

MURDER!--This very objectionable practice will never be persevered in by any person who will peruse the new and startling Novel of the "Tinderbox and the Tombstone," now publishing in TRASH'S Weekly Miscellany, price One Penny.

* * *

YOU DID IT! I SAW YOU.--And seeing you made me do it, and I will never again omit to do it every Saturday night of my life, Ma'am. "Do it--do what?" Can you ask? Buy Tallow Candles at DIPPS'S, Tottenham Court Road, &c.

* * *

THE LOVELY YOUNG LAVINIA ONCE HAD FRIENDS, and would have preserved them to this day, if, when she had them to dinner she had abstained from giving them deleterious compounds, which made them drop her acquaintance, and had caused them to drink the Sparkling Pale Ale, sold by &c.

* * *

THE TIMES NEWSPAPER HAS STOPPED--Yes, and we hope it will continue to stop the mouth of many an impudent pretender, especially any one, should he arise, who should pretend that BUGGINS'S Patent Warming Pans are not one-third cheaper, two-thirds handier, three-thirds neater, and four-thirds lighter than any other. To be had at &c.

* * *

YOUR WIFE HAS BOLTED.--She has indeed bolted the front door, thinking that you are not coming home to-night. But you will return, and the poor thing will be roused from her first sleep, and have to come down in the cold to let you in, for as for waking that EMMA, you might as well try to arouse LORD ABERDEEN to a sense of the honour of England. Why, then, not save your wife's health by furnishing your door with one of TUMBLER AND CO.'S Latch Locks? To be seen in action at &c.

* * *

GREAT FIRE IN THE PALACE.--"And a very good one, too," as Her Majesty was graciously pleased to remark, desiring H. R. H. the PRINCE OF WALES to let the poker alone, as with Coals at two pounds a ton, he must not be extravagant. Matrons of England, learn a lesson of economy from the first Lady of the Land, and show that you have done so by ordering your Coals at SLATES AND COMPANY, Whiteash Wharf.

* * *

THE THAMES IS FROZEN OVER.--When this announcement is made, the next thing will be that an Ox will be roasted whole on the ice. Without approving a proceeding which is rather silly and usually a failure, WOBBLES AND CO. must say, that their Patent Roasting Jacks (price Eleven and Eightpence) will perform the feat, if any invention can, and, in the meantime, will roast anything else, from a Plover to a Pig.

* * *

NEVER GO TO A THEATRE, at least not without one of WINDUM'S Air Cushions, which afford so luxurious a seat that you will be able to enjoy most performances, and almost to endure the deathless Clown without much annoyance.

* * *

MR. HARRISON AINSWORTH is quite well.--This circumstance will gratify that gentleman's myriad admirers, and their satisfaction will be complete when they are informed that, not only MR. AINSWORTH'S masterly works, but those of all other writers of celebrity, are bound by VELLUM AND TOOLEY, corner of Bobchurch Lane, upon the most reasonable terms, and with the greatest expedition.

* * *

A CLERGYMAN HUNG, with protracted admiration, over a M.S. of the eleventh century, found in the Bodleian Library at Oxford, and at last remarked, "I never saw such beautiful illumination, except," added the Reverend Gentleman, with that adherence to truth so honourably characteristic of the cloth, "except by means of the Sinefuliginous Percolating Adumbrellant Lamps, which, by the way, I perceive may now be procured, Wholesale and Retail, of all dealers, and also at the Manufactory at Walworth."

* * *

A NEW PLAY BY SHAKSPERE, if now produced, would probably be called "slow" by one writer, "ill-constructed," by a second and as "not in accordance with the time," by a third. More reverent judges would say that it contained the true Gold, that there were real Gems in it, and the Springs of action were seen in perfect working. Any one who should apply the above unfavourable opinion to BUNK'S Watches (warranted) would libel those masterpieces, but the terms of approbation, which we have said would be used towards SHAKSPERE, exactly characterise the Watches sold by BUNK at &c.

* * *

PALMERSTON HAS TAKEN POISON out of the London Atmosphere, so far as his admirable Smoke Prevention Act enables his Lordship to do. Eager to second his Lordship in promoting the purity of the metropolis, MESSRS. BORAX AND CO. respectfully recommend their White Curdy Soft Windsor Antigrimeopolis Soap, in packets of One and Sixpence, to be procured, &c.

* * * * *

A TRUMPET WITH A COLD.

The Sommerophone is a wonderful instrument, and MR. SOMMER ought to have the benefit of every publicity for his statement, that a certain defect remarked in its utterance the other night, during the frost, occurred, not, as was surmised, from any deficiency of understanding between himself and it, "but entirely through the severity of the weather, which," MR. SOMMER adds, "as all musicians well know, has a most detrimental effect on all brass instruments (particularly such as mine)." It thus appears that the alleged misunderstanding between MR. SOMMER and his instrument was a mere coolness on the part of the latter only. The notes seem to have been partially frozen in; and if, during the subsequent thaw, any of them came out again, as in a memorable instance, perhaps MR. SOMMER will state the circumstance. Possibly, as the Sommerophone had got a cold, it would have completed its solo later in the evening in question, if its proprietor had given it a basin of gruel and put it into hot water before going to bed. We have no doubt of the truth of that gentleman's assertion as regards most brass instruments; but he is mistaken in extending it to all. It has not been observed in the House of Commons that cold weather particularly affects the tone of the POPE'S Brass Band.

We knew that vocalists were liable to colds, and other contingencies of climate; but this is the first time we ever heard of a musical instrument being subject to fits of indisposition. If apologies are henceforth to be accepted for trumpets, ophecleides, and other brazen instruments, as well as for tenors and sopranos, we shall be constantly troubled with excuses on behalf of some capricious trombone seized suddenly with an affection of the windpipe, and, in the trombone, the pipe through which the wind is conveyed is of a somewhat delicate texture. The Professor threatens that his next performance shall be accompanied by a full orchestra; but if it should happen that all the brazen instruments are suffering from bronchial or any other affection of their tubes, the result will be far from agreeable.

* * * * *

FIFTY THOUSAND CURES

Of drowsiness, dejection, dolour, dulness, depression, ennui, ill-humour, indigestion (mental) from political or other reading, loss of temper, low spirits, melancholy, moroseness, mental anxiety (as, for instance, on a railway journey), sulks, stupefaction (by a debate in Common Council), sleepiness, spleen, general used-upishness, and many other complaints, have already been effected by the use of _Punch's Almanack_, which is Sold by Everybody, and bought by the rest. The infant may take it as well as the adult, as it is warranted free from all impurity, and contains nothing hurtful to the weakest mental stomach.

* * * * *

ANYTHING BUT AN ALDERMAN'S MOTTO.--"Dinner forget."

* * * * *

* * * * *

CHRISTMAS WAITS EXTRAORDINARY.

(_From our own Reporter._)

There are some remarkable additions to the usual Waits this year, which the papers have uniformly neglected to notice. As Corrector-General of the Press, it devolves on _Mr. Punch_ of course to supply the omission. Half a moment's reflection will, he thinks, convince any of his readers who would be styled "intelligent," that--

There's the EARL OF ABERDEEN Waiting--for the protracted war which will result most probably from his protracted peace policy.

There are the Rotten Boroughs Waiting--for the expected Reform Bill which is to put them in good odour.

There are the Inhabitants of London (and twenty miles about it) Waiting--for the extinction of that truly burning shame, the City Coal-Tax.

There are the Keepers of the Betting-shops Waiting--to evade the recent Act which apparently has shut them up.

There are the Women of England Waiting--for a law that will _effectually_ protect them against brutal assaults.

There are the English Tourists Waiting--for hotels where they may enter without being let in.

There's many an English Operative Waiting--to find that his strike is in the end a heavy blow to him.

There's many an English Curate Waiting--to find that his income will exceed a London footman's.

There are the Readers at the Museum Waiting--for the end of the world, or that of the catalogue.

There's the Corporation of London Waiting--to be crushed by the Commission which is now sitting on them.

There's the Emperor of Russia Waiting--for the spring which will enable him to jump into Turkey.

And finally, there's _Mr. Punch_ himself Waiting--very pleasantly on The Universe with his Twenty-fifth Volume.

* * * * *

WHAT IS THE WORLD LIKE?--Why, the world is like a stubble-field--in which the greatest geese generally pick up most of the golden grains.

* * * * *

MISSISSIPPI BREAKING HER BONDS.

Bind the woolly-haired slave, tarred with Nature's own brush, With base manacles load him; with vile shackles crush, He has no right to kick off his fetters, not he, But Bonds didn't ought to encumber the Free!

Let Europe's old monarchies labour and groan Beneath the hard burden and weight of a Loan! To be sure, though, Spain _has_ had the courage to get The directest way out of the irons of debt.

Cut 'em through--that's the plan--as you'd sever a stick-- It don't take but one stroke, and 'tis done smooth and slick; Hurl the bits off to fly on the wild winds afar! Unless you keep one just to light a cigar.

For they are but paper--is paper to bind The young Eagle to Earth, when to soar he's a mind? He will snap the weak chain the first instant he springs With the sun in his eye and the steam in his wings.

Loss of credit! what's that to the souls who rely On themselves, and the hiss of the world can defy? What is debt? Don't the talented EMERSON say We have got other debts, besides money, to pay?

We reckon those other debts due first to fall, The cash debt's the one which we'll pay last of all; That's the genuine rule by which true Genius goes In settling the endless account which it owes.

From the glorious fact, that our bonds we have bust, Let mankind learn the lesson of thorough self-trust, Though our sister States credit may cease to obtain, And no mortal will trust Mississippi again!

* * * * *

A THOUGHT PICKED OUT OF THE COAL-SCUTTLE.--Vices are like coals--the more they are screened, the more the larger ones show.

* * * * *

* * * * *

* * * * *

Abode of Bliss (An), 113

Affair with the (Knightsbridge) Caffres (An), 154

Age of Compliments (The), 138

Agricultural Bruisers, 245

Agricultural Inquisition, 207

Alarming Accident, 137

Alarming Discovery (An), 218

Alarming Railway Accident, 95

Albert Statue Movement (The), 212

Alderman's Hope (The), 263

All my Eye and Beate Martin, 131

American Joke Explained (An), 262

Another and Another Still Succeeds, 148

Another Ghost, 145

Another Insult to Ireland, 37, 152

Another Insult from the Saxon, 124

Another Irish Grievance, 12

Another Money Question, 153

Another Rupture with France, 12

Albany for the Million (An), 223

Aristocracy and its Antipodes, 198

Arms of England (The), 178

Australian Clipper (An), 113

Autocrat's Anthem (An), 233

Bad Beer with a Good Name, 54

Bar and the Liberty of Conscience (The), 224

Barristers of England (The), 215

Battle of Spithead (The), 73

Best Christian (The), 108

Betting House Deputation (The), 62

Big Brother of Mercy (A), 30

Bishop in Distress (A), 107

Bishop on "Things Solid" (A), 206

Bones of Paganini (The), 143

Bore at the British Museum, 19

Bounce of a Pistol (The), 83

Breaking-up Day, 89

Bricks, 43

Bright City (A), 227

Britannia's Safety Belt, 176

British Consulate at Boulogne (The), 101

British Obsequies in Spain, 93

British Reasons for Boulogne Address, 136

Bully Bottom, 165

Burglary and Bronchitis Prevented, 192

Cabman, and his Good and Evil Report, 54

Cabman and his Pint of Stout (A Fable), 60

Cabman's Best Friend (The), 40

Cabman's Protest against the Hinjustice of the Hact (A), 70

Cab Question in a New Light (The), 265

Calico Calembourg (A), 221

Canvas Towns, 3

Carol on Caroline Chisholm (A), 71

Carving his Way to Iniquity, 42

Case of Clean Hands (A), 151

Catching People's Eyes, 267

Chagrin for Old Commodores, 29

Character in a Blue-bag, 4

Charity for Churchmen, 262

Chaunt (A), 113

Chaunt for the Choused (A), 183

Cheap Lightning Postage, 207

Chelsea Ghost (The), 115, 134

China and Back in no Time, 108

Choking in the Army, 13

Christmas Waits Extraordinary, 268

City coaxing the Crown (The), 197

City Inquisition (The), 216

City without Smoke (A), 124

Civic Simplicity, 147

Civil Cabman's Sauce (A), 81

Civil (very civil) War at Chobham, 3

Claims of Scotland (The), 186

Classicalities of the Coinage, 125

Clergymen in the Farce of "Turning the Tables", 256

Clerical Table-Turners and Spirit-Rappers, 258

Clever Clown Nuisance (The), 222

Close Contrivance at Winchester (A), 197

Cloth and the Plush (The), 123

Clowns of the New School, 213

Coagulated Horde (A), 53

Cobden on Evil Spirits, 214

Coming Struggle (The), 174

Confounded Bully (A), 251

Consultation "in articulo", 115

Cool Dog (A), 53

Corporation Table Talk, 246

Cotton Afloat, 118

Courtesy and Controversy, 215

Crown of Hungary (The), 142

Crown of St. Stephen (The), 147

Cruel King Coal, 202

Cruel treatment of the Poor and Lowly, 195

Crystal Nunneries, 3

Cure for a Cut, 77

Cure for Smoky Children, 217

Cure for the Conscience-Money Mania, 50

Curiosities of the Cattle Show, 247

Curious association of Ideas, 214

Danubian Homicide, 221

Daughter of the Camp (A), 27

Dear Entertainment for Dear Creatures, 133

Debate on the Hudson Question, 254

Decimal Coinage, 101

Demon of the Cupboard (The), 206

Determined Duellist (A), 32

Did you Ever? 171

Diddlesex Sessions (The), 222

Dignity of Trade (The), 223

Disappointed Director, a Fable (The), 121

Discounter's Dirge (The), 40

Disraeli's Coat and Badge, 125

Dolours of St. Dunstan's, 187

Domestic Results of the Camp, 20

Done Brown Again, 215

Donkey and a Mayor (A), 232

Doom of Westminster Bridge (The), 79

Dr. Cantwell's Income-Tax made Easy, 188

Drat the Eastern Question, 177

Dream of a Bagpipe (The), 158

Dye of Guilt (The), 188

Eagles at a Discount, 173

Earl King (The), 31

Ecclesiastical Auction Mart (The), 29

Editorial Candour, 136

Elections with Accompaniments, 21

Emperor at Boulogne (The), 151

Enemy (The), 91

English Hippopotamus to the French Ditto (The), 116

Enterprising Undertakers, 17

El Verdadero Descubrimiento D'Iximaya, 81

Etruscan Pattern (The), 162

Every Convict his own Chesterfield, 194

Evil Eyesight, 114

Exchange Chimes (The), 236

Exit Brooke--Enter Barry, 176

Expense of Making a Baron (The), 241

Facts for Cockney Naturalists, 246

Fallacy of Externals (The), 178

Farewell to the Camp, 92

Fashion and Influenza, 238

Fashionable Epidemic (The), 79

Fashionable Zoological Star (The), 255

"Fast" Literature, 144

Fast Men of Edinburgh (The), 192

Fat of the Land and Lambeth, 136

Festivities in Southwark, 162

Fighting Frewen and Sober Shelley, 90

Fine Old English Innkeeper (The), 177

Flourishing Business (A), 20

Flowers of the Towzery Plant, 104

Flushing a Sewer (A Citizen's Dream), 208

Fortune Tellers for Nations, 187

Freebooter of the Castle (The), 151

French Feast of the Poets (A), 201

French "Fusion" (The), 233

French Ties and Dynas-ties, 136

Friends of Cabmanity, 59

Fumigation of the Thames, 91

Further particulars, 157

Fusion of the Beerbung Cousins (The), 237

Game in the East (The), 50

Gare la Garotte, 253

Gardens without a Waterpot, 9

God Hymen to the Demi-God Punch (The), 193

God of Russia (The), 211

God of the Russians (The), 176

Gold Found in England, 33

Good Hater of Blue Stockings (A), 253

Goose Club (The), 186

Grand Dramatic Après Déjeûner, 157

Grand Scena from Oberon, 154

Great and Little Sportsmen, 108

Great Anchovy Case (A), 221

Great Cab Reform (The), 17

Great Catches, 101

Great Chobham Campaign, 47

Great Cure and Small Pay, 114

"Great Globe Itself" (The), 124

Great Indian Fact (The), 7

Great Jew Meeting, 48

Growl from the Scottish Lion (A), 63

Guillotine in China (The), 114

Hanover in Bronze, 195

Hanwell Cookery Book (The), 265

Hard Dealing with a Hawker, 254

Hardest of all Swearing (The), 4

Ha'porths of Philosophy, 151

Hat-Moving Trick (The), 34

Help to Jewish Emancipation (A), 22

Heroes of a Hundred Showers, 47

High Mettled Razor (The), 203

Hint from the Gallery (A), 10

Hint to Belgravia, Tyburnia, &c. (A), 92

Hint to Railway Rogues, 117

Hints for a New Edition of the Dramatists, 43

Hit at Two Houses (A), 82

Homoeopathy Superseded, 83

Hotel and Travelling Expenses, 171

House of Fame (The), 106

How Are we off for Soap?, 164

How Britannia Salutes her Babies, 174

How Ephraim Smug spoke against Police at the Vestry, and didn't persuade People, 166

How Europe may be Saved, 201

How to Pay your Taxes, 147

How to See the Teeth of a Beautiful Young Lady, 261

How to Write the Biography of a Woman, 118

Howl from the Hippopotamus (A), 168

Imaginary Conversation, 214

Imaginary Playbill, 84

Impertinence of Science (The), 155

Important Meeting of Smoke-Makers, 80

Important Note and Query (An), 235

Improvements of London _v._ the Improvements of Paris, 166

In East and North, 196

Infallible Bubbles, 138

Infection Glebe, 176

Infinitesimal Logic, 22

Injudicious Patriot (An), 243

Inn-Fluenza (The), 161

Innkeeper Rhymer (The), 211

Inquisition at Malta (The), 92

Inspection of Cavalry by General Punch, 18

Institution of Our Spectre of Chelsea (The), 131

Iron Bars of Music, 126

James's Powder and his Squib, 183

Joke at the Public Expense (A), 37

Joke of the Session (The), 23

Joke that must be Felt (A), 136

Jolly Old Waterman (The), 49

Judges' Chambers (The), 201

Justice for London, 207

Justice to Scotland, 205

Kenilworth Church and Kenilworth Castle, 67

Kensington Bus-men (The), 52

Key to a Difficulty (A), 38

Key to the Russian Question (The), 17

King Cholera's Procession, 133

King Leopold Reports Progress, 211

King of the City (The), 205

Lament of the Portsmouth Slopseller (The), 51

Landlords' Meeting (The), 144

Larvæ of the City of London, 167

Last Proclamation (The), 207

Last of the Paupers (The), 47

Lares and Penates for the Pothouse, 172

Law on its Last Legs, 23

Lawyers Abroad (The), 123

Le Grand Opera Enrhumé, 143

Leading Articles for Old Ladies, 102

Left-off Clothes for the Colonies, 227

Legal Curiosity, 247

Letter and an Answer (A), 197

Letters from the Bosphorus, 187

Libel on the Prince of Wales, 172

Life and Death Assurance, 264

Likely Joke (A), 33

Lines on the Burial of a Protestant in Spain, 123

Lion Rampant Mad, 106

List of Indexes (A), 8

Literature at Low Water Mark, 185

Literary Millionaire (A), 168

Little Money Question (A), 142

Lord Mayor's Show for 1853 (The), 157

Lord Sidnee's Show, 204

Louis Napoleon at Boulogne, 115

Lover's Farewell to Pale Ale (The), 185

Love's Labour Lost at Limerick, 63

Lundy Foot Linguist (A), 164

Mad Cabman's Fare of Sixpence (The), 47

Mahogany Possessed, 152

Manchester School of Poetry (The), 241

Market and Trade Report, 42

Marriage in "Mediocre" Life, 181

Martin in Jack's Gown, 49

Meat for Mawworms, 8

Meeting of the Rabbits, 164

Middlesex Ballad (A), 228

Milestone Treadmill (The), 72

Military Intelligence, 39

Milky Way in Lancashire (The), 194

Mississippi breaking her Bonds, 268

Model Railway Meeting, 226

Modern Mythology, 155

Money-Market for Infant Minds (The), 104

Mornington's Challenge, 39

Moustache and Beard Movement (The), 226

Mr. Peterloo Brown's Examination of the Oxford Statutes, 68, 77

Mr. Punch in China, 117

Mr. Punch in Dublin, 1

Mrs. Jane Gimlet to Mrs. Judith Punch, 202, 234, 254

Mrs. Magnall's Historical Questions, 10

Music, Malt, and Hops, 187

Music-Seller's Opinion of France (A), 171

Musical Pump (A),123

Muff Dropped (A), 244

NAVAL Intelligence, 182

Neglected Scotland, 253

Nesselrode Pudding, 215

Neutrality in Plush, 133

New American Movement, 107

New Cab Act (The), 28, 53

New Chapter in the Romance of King Arthur (A), 58

New Department of Flunkeyism (A), 138

New Lactometer (A), 90

New Turn in the Temperance Movement (A), 2

New Zodiacal Light (A), 122

News from the Theatre of War, 228

Nicholas's Dream, 247

Noble Conduct of Cobden and Bright, 195

Nuisance (A), 121

Nuts for Notes and Queries, 38

OBITUARY a Little in Advance, 232

Obstructing the Pavement, 143

Ocean Melodies,121

Old Flag (The), 164

Old Lamp and a New One (An), 251

Oldest Chancery Suit in the World (The), 33

Omnibusian Song (An), 118

Opinions of our Contemporaries, 134

Originality, 264

Organ Boy's Appeal (The), 141

Our Ancient Nicholas, 38

Our Beautiful Fashions of the Present Day, 145

Our Bottle Holder, 261

Our City Article, 155

Our Honeymoon, 8, 11, 31, 41, &c.

Our Meteorological Report, 29

Our Muddy Metropolis, 53

Our Quarter's Account, 21

Our Rupture with Russia, 14

Our Shabby Contemporaries, 147

Our Tourist in Paris, 94, 105, 122, 126, &c.

Our Young Lady at Spithead, 79

PALMERSTON'S Notices to Correspondents, 203

Palmerston Perplexed, 247

Papa to his Heir, 23

Parliamentary Bulletin, 74

Parochial Mudlarks, 153

Parsons and Doctors, 173

Parson's Parliament (The), 154

Passports improved, 73

Pat's Welcome to the Reaping-Machine, 127

Paying Culprits through the Nose, 194

Paying Shot before Battle, 205

Pax Vobiscum, 43

Peace Spectacle in Scotland (The), 163

Peaceful Solicitor (A), 187

Pebbles picked up at the Sea-side, 132

Pedestrianism at St. Stephen's, 42

Pedestrianism very Extraordinary, 93

Penal Dancing for the Protection of Women, 236

Perspicuity of Red Tape (The), 223

Perversion of a Clergyman, 121

Petition from the Medical Profession, 60

Philosophy Teaching by Conumdrums, 43

Photographic Glimpses of the Moon, 173

Phrenological Organ Music, 253

Pius Pinguis, 181

Plague within our Gates (The), 146

Plain Fare at the Palace, 218

Plan of Simplification (A), 245

Plato, Gog and Magog, 183

Plato's Republic Perfect, 201

Playhouse Pegs, 193

Ploughboy's Doom, 102

Poetry for the Peace Conference, 173

Poisonous Puffs, 39

Potman and the Prætor (The), 37

Poor Shakspere, 112

Pope's Post Obit (The), 137

Popular Laurie Ballad (The), 67

Post Office London Directory (The), 213

Postal Economy at Glasgow, 217

Price of a Lord Mayor's Gown, 222

Pride of England (The), 191

Prince, Pigs, and Parasites, 248

Prince Punch to Prince Albert, 216

Prison Disciplinarians, 141

Prophets in the Parlour, 252

Proposals for a New Art of Puffing, 251

"Provided Always", 2

Public's Address to his Cabman (The), 44

Punch at a Royal Christening, 13

Punch and his Pippins, 253

Punch the only recognised Promoter of Literature, 197

Punch's Potato Prophecy, 125

QUEEN Christina in England, 118

Questionable Advertisements, 158

RAILWAY Dog (A), 173

Random Records of a Run through certain Continental Countries, 161

Reading the (Dramatic) Stars, 231

Real Reason (The), 262

Real Scottish Grievance (A), 225

Real Smoke Nuisance (The), 62

Re-christening of the Bosphorus (The), 27

Recovery from the Cabman's Strike, 59

Regular Nuisance (A), 198

Remarkable Self-Sacrifice, 113

Remarkable Tribute of Siderial Approbation, 221

Resource for Young Ladies,

Return to Duty (The), 64

"Revenons à nos Moutons", 205

Review of the Medical Line, 112

Roses of Sharon for Australia, 53

Royal Exchange Clock (The), 228

Royal Lunch Prevented (A), 174

Rural Self-Denial Clubs, 184

Russian Impudence, 84

Russian "Mouches" in Parliament, 163

Russian Reasons, 19

Russian Revolutionists, 231

SABBATARIAN Meeting at Glasgow, 82

Saint Cabbie!, 112

"Salad for the Solitary", 223

Sapphics of the Cabstand, 42

Scenes at the Judges' Chambers, 235

Scotch Peerage in Peril (The), 237

Scotland Humiliated, 244

Seamstress that won't Starve (A), 14

Serjeant Adams on a Knotty Point, 266

Shall Ladies have Votes?, 224

Shameful Intimidation of an Old Gentleman, 144

Shaving by Machinery, 185

She will be a Martyr, 183

Sheriff's Dinners at Newgate (The), 201

Shocking Language, 67

Shocking Low Church, 234

Shoe Lane Raleigh (A), 112

Short and Saponaceous, 134

Shortcoming in the City, 242

Soldier's Dream (The), 11

Signs made Symbols, 148

Signs of the Times, 153

Sing a Song of Sixpence, 84

Singing-Boys minus Sevenpence at St. Paul's, 184

Something in a Sign, 165

Something outrageous, 227

Song of the City Remembrancer (The), 227

Song of the Transplanted Shamrock, 131

Song--Ripeforajail, 69

Songs of the Geological Society, 214

Songs of the Mendicants, 48, 77

St. Cecilia and St. Helen, 238

St. Cross Stingo, 224

St. Luke's and St. Stephen's, 61

Special Review of the Fleet, 74

Spirited conduct of Mr. Charles Kean, 44

Spiritual Manifestations, 13

Sporting at Windsor, 196

Sporting Regiment (A), 181

Stanzas to Erin, 18

Statue to Albert (A), 245

Strike of the Wives of England, 60

Striking Circumstances, 67

Summer Promotions, 116

"Sure Derbyites", 21

Sure Symptoms of Christmas, 261

TABLE-TURNING and True Piety, 243

Tailor Assassin (The), 64

Taken for Granted, 227

Talleyrandism (A), 235

Tap on a Tub (A), 241

Tasking a Bishop's Face, 248

Tavern Experience, 131

Tea-Table Talk, 10

Tea-total Movement (The), 62

That Very Small (Political) Party, 143

Theatrical Novelties, 224

Thoughts on the Savage Lions of London, 38

Tight Blockade (The), 181

To Correspondents, 111

To Fight or not to Fight, 171

To Professor Faraday, 22

To the Noble Airl, 162

Trap to catch a Mooncalf (A), 132

Tremendous Effects of a Kiss, 153

Tricks, but not Honours, 231

Trouser Mind (The), 251

Trumpet of Battle (The), 158

Trumpet with a Cold (A), 266

Turtle Benevolent Association (The), 242

Two Portraits of the Czar, 206

UNPROTECTED Female in Want of a Cab (The), 57

Unevenhanded Justice, 266

"Upholsterer to the Monument" (The), 223

VEGETARIANS in the North, 73

Very Good of the Pope, 163

Vested Right, 137

Visit of the Thames and Medway to the Royal Commissioners, 235

"Vow of Poverty" (The), 176

WAITS to the Czar (The), 264

Walker, 113

Wanted, a Nobleman!, 61

Warning to Vegetarians (A), 113

Wash Wanted (A), 263

Waste of Sympathy (A), 49

"We never Sell Our Appointments", 93

What can the Police be About?, 50

What I Saw, Heard, and Thought, at Chobham, 32

What is a Cabman's Mile, 32, 69

What is Man? 201

What is the House of Keys? 34

What you may Hear in a Bell, 91

Where are the Russians? 218

Whiskey above Proof, 70

Whisper in the Ear of Nicholas (A), 77

Who sends all the Conscience-Money? 77

Whys for the Wise, 203

Wild Flowers from Canada, 33

Winchester Soup, 184

Witness on an Election Committee (A), 7

Woman's Elevation League (The), 52

Women's Rights--Men's Noses, 192

Wonders of the Deep, 67

"Woodman! Spare that Joke", 163

Words of Peace, 168

Words! words! words! 263

YACHT Signals, 183

End of Project Gutenberg's Punch - Volume 25 (Jul-Dec 1853), by Various