Part 3

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HYPNOTISM--A MODERN PARISIAN ROMANCE. (In Four Chapters.)

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MR. PUNCH'S FOUR PRIZE MIDDLE-CLASS WIVES.

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ROBERT'S STORY ABOUT CHINA.

The fact is, Sir, that I had got quite tired of hearing Gents all a grumbling at allers having the same kind of wittels at their Citty Bankwets: so I thort as I woud jest take a run hover here, jest to see what they had to hoffer by way of change; and so here I am, on my voyage of dishcovery.

I passes over that woyage, and my many blunders in trying to make myself hunderstood by the hignerent natives, and at once goes in to describe what was of coarse most hintresting to me, namely, the dinners. I dined wun day at the Shing-Cully Otel, which is a fust-class consern. I was told as all the Swells dined at the top of the house; so hup stairs I went, and sat myself down at a large tabel, with about 30 Chineese Gents, all drest in their riduklus kostoom of Jackets and pettycotes. They all stared at me as if I was sumthink werry strange, tho' drest in my ushal full hevening dress, with white choker. We only had 1 Maynoo for all of us, and had to chuse our Dishes, so I chose Birds'-nest Soup, Sharks' fins, as they hadn't got no Turbot, lots of frute, and Roast Puppy! We began with frute; but, before we ate any, we all took wine with one another! The Birds'-nest Soup must have been werry carefooly strained, for there wasn't not no twigs nor bits of straw, het setterer, in it. The Sharks' fins wasn't at all bad, but, as we wasn't allowd no knives or forks, but only 2 chop-sticks, as they calls 'em, I had sum difficulty in heating it. They then brort me some stewed sumthink, which was that oily that I didn't heat much of it. I ardly xpecs to be bleeved when I says that we had no tabel-cloth or tabel-napkins, but we each had a peace of common brown paper at the side of our plates, with which we all wiped our messy chop-sticks, and our oily mouths. The dux was werry good, so I had about harf a one. The Puppy Dog looked much like a Sucking Pig, but even the strong hunion sauce didn't hide the parfume enuff for me to be able to taste it. The wine wasn't anythink werry grand, but, what it wanted in flavior, it made up in strength, and many a eye began for to twinkle afore the dinner was over; and, judging from what I saw then, and at other times, I should think about the most commical hobjeck on earth is a drunken Chinyman. I was arterwards told that the propper place to get dogs and cats for dinner was in Jack-Poo-Kow. The idear of calling such horrid filth Kow, made me suspishus, so I found the place out, and, who should I see oppersite the winder where the dead dogs and cats is hung up to dry, but your own dog TOBY! a barking at 'em with such hindignashun that I werrily bleeves that one word of incurragement from me wood have made him rush into the _restaurant_, and ewen praps attack the Hed Waiter! However, I perswaded him to leave the horrid place, and go home with me; but, on our way, we came to another of them, where a black cat was hanging up, when in TOBY rushed, and, siezing it in his mouth, brort it out to me, and tore it lim from lim! Out came the Master, and 2 of his Waiters, and, little knowing who I was, seized me, and dragged me into the shop, and demanded 100 sents, or four shillings, for the black cat's body, and tuppence for its pair of eyes, which, it seems, are considerd a speshal lukshury? TOBY, insted of looking ashamed of hisself for his shamefool conduck, trotted by my side, barking away, and looking as prowd as a Lord Mare's Coachman, till I lost him in the crowd.

I called one day by appintment upon a sillibrated Mandereen with 3 tales, who must therefore have bin a heminent swell. He was not a tome, but the servents showed me into a room where a most bewtifool Chineese Lady was a-lying on a Sofhy, with such darling little tootsy putsys as I never seed afore, and which I shood think wood suttenly prewent her from ever warking like a Cristian Lady. She wore all her bewtifool hare brushed off her bewtifool face as if she wanted it all to grow backards. I warked boldly up to her and sed, "Mandareeny tomy tomy?" to which she replied, "Ching-Ching-Changy-Wangy!" Not quite undustanding a word she said, I was about to take my leave by saying, "Bowy! Wowy!" when she got off the Sofhy and hobbling along to the door, placed herself against it, and patting my estonished cheeks said, "Oh, how nicey picey!" I was that estonished that I thort I shood have fainted, and ewen TOBY, who I had took with me, stared at her with both his eyes, speshally when she put up her fan, when presently the door was forced open from the howtside, and who shood henter but the three-taled Mandareen hisself!

He looked fust at the bewtifool Lady, and then at me, and then, harf droring his grate big sword, and sounding the Gong most wierlently, in rushed about 1/2 a dozen servents, and after some most angry words of Chineese gibberish from their master, they all siezed me and dragged me to another room, where they took off both my boots and my stockings and laying me down on the flore, tho I had all my best clothes onn, they beat both my souls and my eels with sticks till I skreamed for mersy!

They then left me. I was that hurt both in my feet and my feelinx that I didn't kno what on airth to do. When presently in came one of them quite quietly and said in a whisper: "I spikes ze Inglesh, pore feller! and if you have sum munny I can get you what you calls a sub-sty-tooty for the rest of your punnishment." "How much will it be?" says I. "About 10,000 Cash?" says he. "10,000 Cash!" says I. "It's only 2 pound ten of your munny," says he. So, feeling as I shood suttenly die if I had to go through the same tortur again, I gave him the munny, and sure enuff he soon returned with a pore seedy-looking Chinaman who took my place, and my new friend took me out of the house by the back-door, and off I set and got home without hinterrupshun!

As soon as my feet got well I went to a werry sillybrated Phizzygonomist, I thinks they calls 'em, to have my fortun told. He werry kindly sed that my large mouth and chin, and my furm nose, and my large neck, was all most faverable sines; but added, as he was sorry to have to say, that as my eyes was not long ones, and had no large pewpils, I must most suttenly have a grate natteral taste for picking and stealing! Whether sich a rewelation was worth fifteen sents, or 7-1/2_d._, I must leave you, Sir, to determine; all I can say is, that I thort it dear at the munny.

I bort wun day a most bewtifool Chineese rapper, and I used offen to go and sit on the steps leading to wun of their little tempels, with my air werry nicely drest by a air-dresser, and there, with TOBY by my side, I used to sit and receeve the respecfool atenshuns of the estonished parsers-by.

One of the prinsiple emusements of the hupper nobillerty is the flying of most bewtifool kites! I have heard of the same thing being dun in the great City of London, but I never seed it. I bleeves in both cases the kites is made of paper. Everybody smokes in China, Men and Women and Boys and Gals. Sum of the men has baccy-pipes so long that they uses them as Warking-Sticks!

I was rayther surprised to find as they warships the Griffin, jest such a wun as we has on the top of Tempel Bar, but which our peepel, as you kno, don't warship, not by no means. But the Chineese in their dense hignerence calls it a Draggon!

In short, Sir, I arives at the conclushun that the Chineese is about the rummest lot of peeple in the hole world, and anyboddy as wants plenty of fun had better cum here at wunce, but not stay long, and don't heat dogs or cats, or wisit Mandereen's Wives.

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"Thank you, very much," said _Mr. Punch_, when ROBERT had finished speaking, "but I am afraid I can stay with you no longer. I wish to pay a flying visit to the Colonies. But first I must show Mr. STANLEY that, great Discoverer though he may be, I can yet over-explore him!" Then, accompanied by his faithful TOBY, he wished that they should be in Central Africa. Urged by his companion, in this instance, he took some copious notes. He preserved them, and they are thus able to be embodied in this veracious chronicle.

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MR. PUNCH AND TOBY IN CENTRAL AFRICA.

Struggle through the jungle; hardships beginning. Black-legs, engaged owing to strike amongst _Dokkas_, or native porters, fast dwindling, owing to energetic picketing with poisoned arrows from behind trees by small brown dwarfs. Pursued one, and after boxing his ears severely, dismissed him with threat of telling his mother. Jungle almost impassable. All heavier baggage sent on to Central Africa by Parcels Delivery. After four days' wandering, the Lady Guide, who had been represented as "thoroughly conversant with the district," began to cry and said she had lost the path. Dismissed her on the spot, paying her return fare, though under no _legal_ obligation to do so. Really _too_ ridiculous to attempt to conduct a party through the Dark Continent with nothing but an ordnance map of Epping Forest! Long and fruitless search for track; fortunately, just as despair reached climax, met a _Koppah_ (or native policeman) and asked him--turned out to be only just round the corner.

On the main road again; Passed a native caravan of nomad _Djipsis_. Bought a hearth-brush and door-mat. At mid-day, took the sun with portable camera. Sun moved and spoilt negative. Made some observations.

Reached native village--N'yutoihigama. Much struck by native method of ascending palms for cocoa-nuts, carrying letters, wrestling, &c. Visited King MAHBUL of Pigzinklovaland. Much interested by efforts of King with his three favourite wives, all under influence of _Pombé_ or palm-beer, to roll into royal kraal.

On again; progress obstructed by the _Nekkids_ of Nuffintowara, who seemed bent on giving battle. Sent messenger to King with present of shirt-studs, after which allowed to pass unharmed. Further on, stopped by band of _Grimi-Grubbas_, who evidently meant being nasty. Called to them pleasantly in native tongue, "_Cheke-bobo-nangu-yanzi-toorali_?" (Good-morning, have you used Scours' Soap?) Found they hadn't, and presented them with a packet, also with brushes and other articles of the toilette, of which they were in great need.

Came to open space near N'yumarkiti. Saw some _Darckorsis_ running in and out of brushwood in highly suspicious manner. Found on inquiry that they were only "out for an airing" not "on the job." Much relieved. Conference with King M'rora of the Wezijiji tribe; trumpets sounded as soon as he was done.

Discovered large river of colour of strong green tea. Named it the Sir Wilfrid Lawson. Entered territory of the Rumboozi people. Their king, MOPZANBRUMZI, offering his services as guide. MOPSANBRUMZI most cordial, but much too drunk to be of any material assistance. Once powerful intellect now, alas! degraded. Made a long speech in the Ikkupi dialect--quite unintelligible. MOPZANBRUMZI presented with a small tin of Royal Mail Red Paint, with which, when the expedition left, he was proceeding to decorate the vicinity.

On the lagoon. An adventure befell TOBY, which, but for prompt action, might have had fatal termination; TOBY mistook open mouth of hippopotamus for drain, and rushed down in search of rat. Hippopotamus closed mouth, with expression intimating plainly that "No contributions can be returned unless accompanied by stamps and directed wrapper." TOBY'S barking inside fainter. At length remembered having brought Report of Parnell Commission for private reading. Read Report to Hippopotamus slowly, until symptoms of weariness observable in huge pachyderm. Read on, and hippopotamus yawned; whereupon whistled to TOBY, who ran up, not much the worse, except that frill had lost every vestige of colour.

Engaged native interpreter, as no conversation manuals published for countries in this district. Excellent fellow--clean, strictly honest, total abstainer; only one blemish--not discovered till later--a bit of a cannibal when he got the chance. Sent him on to announce our arrival to the Dilli-dillis, but found none in the neighbourhood when we came up--only some things which he _said_ were fossils. Made no comment, but resolved to send them to Professor HUXLEY, and see what _his_ opinion is.

Among the Bong Booshis; despatched Cannibal Interpreter to report; he returned, wiping his mouth, and announcing that they were "most agreeable, excellent, good people."

Could not understand why they all hid underground at our approach, and why the King so persistently sent word that he was not at home. Told Interpreter that, in our opinion, he was a little deficient in tact. Sent him to treat with a native chief, called PHATTI, and had the mortification this time of surprising him _in the act_; no denial possible--he had his mouth full at the time! Told him that, if this occurred _again_, we should be exceedingly annoyed. Cannibal Interpreter penitent; lent him tract, _Why I Became a Vegetarian_, over which he shed tears.

Came to the M'yusikauli District. King LESSI came to meet us, and offered _Mr. Punch_ a free pass over his domains. In the evening a grand performance, partly in our honour, partly to celebrate recent triumph over the G'yudi-g'yudis, who, under their chief MAKDOOGALLA, had been waging war against the M'yusi-kaulis on the pretext that they were assuming an offensive demeanour. Heard afterwards that both sides claimed victory, but truce declared for a year. Performance magnificent--but much too long. Native dances by _Ikika_ girls in pairs. _T'seriokomiks_ and _T'songandanzas_ also gave curious exhibitions of their powers. _Hackiribats_ and _Kunjeras_ (or native magicians) performed. A wild, weird, lurid scene, strange and fascinating--but a trifle slow.

In Ugoweh; met some Gitalongdo girls, but could not succeed in persuading them to enter into conversation.

On the River; saw _Krûs_ practising in long canoes, and got out of their way. Descended cataracts; shot several rapids, and sent them home to be stuffed.

Came to Desert, and hired camel to go across on, (N.B. These animals are styled "Back-tryin"--which they _are_.) Only eighteen-pence an hour, which would have been reasonable enough, but quite impossible to sit out more than nine-penn'orth. Decided to take an ostrich for remainder of journey. Softer to sit. Ostrich a failure; ran for five hours in a circle, at express speed, and then suddenly turned shy, and buried its head in sand, without the slightest notice; foolish habit for any bird to acquire. Determined to try a quagga--quagga tried _me_, and very soon found me wanting, A quagga is a brute to buck! After all, came back to my old wooden mount--spot better than stripes, any day.

In the Jungle again. Discovered Colony of Highly-educated Anthropoid Apes. Lent them some copies of _Punch_, which are indispensable to all African travellers. Apes delighted--one large gorilla quite hysterical with laughter. Much gratified--till discovery that it was the _advertisements_ which amused them most. Sense of humour of apes much exaggerated.

Reached the Kit'ldrumma District. Natives hostile at first; war-drums sounded incessantly. Fortunately fond of music, so easily pacified them by playing selection from "_Tannhäuser_," arranged for drum and panpipes by LISZT. TOBY taking violent fancy to a "_Spottiduff_," or native dog, _Spottiduff_ vanishing mysteriously shortly before dinner; find this animal considered a great dainty in this locality. TOBY inconsolable.

Among the Ustingis. Received with great ceremony by their king--CHESIPARA. Palm wine (corked) handed round in liqueur glasses. Dinner beastly. CHESIPARA saying repeatedly that he "made no stranger of me"--he _will_, though, for the future. Exchange of presents. Gave CHESIPARA a silver-mounted dressing case (bankrupt stock--a bargain), a handsome coloured supplement, _Muzzer's Darling_ (given away with Christmas Number of _Timon_), a microscope (object-lens missing--but he'll never miss it), a plated fish-slice, and a pair of nut-crackers. CHESIPARA, after a good deal of parade, presented me with a bunch of very indifferent bananas, and a brass collar, belonging to one of his wives, whom he had had killed on purpose! Told him, with much emotion, that I should never forget it.

Reached the Centre of Africa; found that luggage had _not_ been forwarded after all! Had to borrow a clean shirt from Kollamangel chief, promised to return it on arrival at Coast. Difficulty with TIPPOO-TIP of the Blackmaïlas, who refused to allow _Mr. Punch_ to pass without tribute. Pacified him with palm butter and reached coast without further incident.

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After leaving TIPPOO-TIP, he continued his journey through the Colonies. Now he was taking tiffin in Calcutta, and a few minutes later found everyone asleep at Montreal. Christmas seemed to him to be being kept in Melbourne in the most sultry weather, and New Year's Day in Cape Colony was observed as a Midsummer festival. He had a general impression of constant change and constant improvement. The spirit of the mighty English Race seemed to be falling upon the world like a ray of glorious sunshine. This ray of light was continually increasing and beating back the darkness. And, as the Sage travelled through the air, he found everywhere content. It mattered not who the natives might be, they had but one flag, the Union Jack, one sovereign, the Empress-Queen VICTORIA!

"Rule BRITANNIA!" cried _Mr. Punch_, enthusiastically. "But for all that, I wish I could have a few minutes to myself."

In a moment, he found himself seated amidst the eternal snows of the North Pole.

"Well, this is an ice place!" shivered the Sage. There was a roar of mighty laughter from the Aurora Borealis. It was the first time that the ancient jest had been uttered in those latitudes. The Sage blushed at his adoption of the venerable "JOE MILLER," and wished himself back in Europe--in civilisation.

He found himself in Venice. Steam gondolas were travelling along the Grand Canal, and Cockneys were cutting their names on the sacred stones of the Church of St. Mark.

"It is becoming very English," murmured the Sage. "I suppose the next move will be to organise pigeon-shooting matches in front of the Café Florian, after turning the Doge's Palace into an illuminated Palace of Varieties."

_Mr. Punch_ was disgusted, and began to think longingly of home.

"I have made a pretty fair round of the world, but I suppose I ought to do a little more in Europe--after all, it has the first claim upon my consideration. Let me consider--I think I should like to see a Greek robber in Athens."

In a moment the Sage found himself in an Athenian hotel, with the proprietor bowing obsequiously before him.

"Not very classical," he murmured. "I wonder what it was like in the days when the dead languages were alive, if not kicking. How I should like to see Athens in the time of HELEN the fairest of the fair in everything--save in her conduct to MENELAUS!"

Before he had time for further thought, he found himself in the far past, and thus had an opportunity of comparing the old with the new.

"Very pretty, but, on my word, comfort was a secondary consideration. But I have neglected Spain. I wish to see the loveliest view in good old WELLINGTON'S Peninsula."

_Mr. Punch_ had expected to be carried into one of the courts of the Alhambra, but, in lieu of this, he found himself gazing at a lady, beautiful beyond compare. For a moment he was so lost in admiration, that he almost forgot himself, and was about to kiss her. Remembering, however, that he was a married man, and that his better half might object to the very natural, but (under the circumstances) highly improper transaction, he paused, and changed his kiss into a beaming smile. He was a little _chagrined_, however, to notice that the beautiful creature was so intent upon watching some distant attraction, that she had no eyes for him, nor, in fact, for anyone else.

"What can she be looking at?" he murmured. "How lovely she is with her heightened colour, her parted lips, her soul beaming through her lustrous dark eyes!"

Then he uttered an exclamation of disgust when he found that the lady was giving her entire attention to a bull-fight!

"I think I have had enough of this! We may have something of the same sort in our courts during a trial for murder; but, as a rule, _our_ female blood-hungerers are either podgy matrons of sixty, or skinny old maids, of no (admitted) age at all! So give me England--dear old England!" He was set down at the Cannon Street Railway Station, and, collecting his luggage (which had followed by _Grande Vitesse_), he called a cab, and drove to Fleet Street.

And once more he was back in the ancestral halls, which had been decorated for the occasion with holly, and its white-berried companion. So, while TOBY played "_Home, Sweet Home!_" _Mr. Punch_ kissed BRITANNIA under the Mistletoe, and wished her and the whole world, in a Wassail-bowl,

A MERRY CHRISTMAS, AND A HAPPY NEW YEAR!

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A HAGGARD ANNUAL.

(_Specially written by Walker Weird, to usher in the Year 1890_)

UNREDD, the writer, and SPOYLPAPEROS, the sketcher, were in the presence of a weird figure, that grotesquely genuflected before them.

"Fear not, my sons," explained the WEIRD, cutting a sad caper; "fear not. _He-who-must-be-obeyed_ has need of ye. And, as _He_ has need, ye must be well-bred," as we say in the yeast.

"And you are?--"

"The Ghost of a Joke!" murmured the extinct witticism, sadly; "and my name is SILLIBILLI." And then a strange thing happened.