Chapter 2

Perhaps, the good old rule that, "You should never look a gift-horse in the mouth," cannot be so rigorously applied to gifts of pictures to the Nation as to other things. Nevertheless, Mr. TATE'S munificent proffer of his Collection to the National Gallery, is surely too good a thing to be missed through matters of mere detail. _Mr. Punch's_ view is--well, despite _Touchstone's_ attack on "the very false gallop of verses," there are two things that come most insinuatingly in metre; offers of love, and of friendly advice:--

ENGLISH Art no longer paints Those "squint-eyed Byzantine saints" Mr. ORROCK so disparages. Martyrdoms and Cana Marriages Over-stock our great Art Gallery, Giving ground for ORROCK'S raillery. Scenes in desert dim, or dun stable, Than Green English lanes by CONSTABLE Are less welcome, or brown rocks And grey streams by DAVID COX. Saint Sebastian's death? Far sweeter Sylvan scenes by honest PETER; There's a charm in dear DE WINT Cannot be conveyed in print.

Verdant landscapes, sea-scapes cool, Painted by the English School. Must be welcome to our British Taste, which is not grim or skittish; Rather Philistine, it may be. Sweet on cornfields and the Baby; Yet of ROMNEY'S grace no spurner, Or the golden dreams of TURNER. Moral? Will a moral, bless us! Comes like that old shirt of NESSUS. Still, here goes! An Art-official Should be genial, but judicial. When an Art-Collection's national, It is obviously rational It should be a bit eclectic, Weeding out the crude or hectic. He who'd have his country's honour, As a liberal Art-donor, Thinks more of his country's fame Than of _his_ particular name. Would you win true reputation As benefactor of the Nation. Trust me 'tis not "special room" Keeps _that_ glory in full bloom. _Punch_ is a plain-speaking chap; Here's his view of things. _Verb. sap._!

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PICTURES IN THE HAYMARKET.--"And there stood the 'tater-man, In the midst of all the wet; A vending of his taters in the lonely Haymarket." So sang one of the greatest of _Mr. Punch's_ singers, years agone. If he had sung in the present day, he would have substituted pictures for 'taters; for surely this pleasant thorough-fare has become a mart for pictures and players rather than potatoes. Look in at TOOTH'S Gallery, and you will stay a long while, indeed you will age considerably, and may be said to be "long in the TOOTH," before you come out, as you will find the exhibition so paletteable. Then having refreshed your eye with the spring sunshine--if there happens to be any about--you will turn into MCLEAN'S _salon_ and see a marvellous picture of Jaffa, by G. BAUERNFEIND, and other works by English and foreign painters. The County Council will have to change the title of this street into the A-market, "A" standing for Art, of course.

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THE GRAND OLD HAT.

When this old hat was new, ('Tis not so many years,) My followers did not view My course with doubts and fears. CHAMBERLAIN then would praise, And HENRY JAMES was true; Ah! this was in the days When this old hat was new.

When this old hat was new My head was smaller--yes! Now I'd have much ado To get it on, I guess. The cause I cannot tell, I only know 'tis true; My head has seemed to swell Since this old hat was new.

Perhaps, as some maintain, My cranium may have grown, Owing to stretch of brain, Or thickening of bone. "The hat has shrunk?" Eh? What? _That_ nonsense will not do! My head _has_ grown, a lot, Since this old hat was new.

What TYNDALL dares to call, In wrath, my "traitorous" head, Is "growing still," that's all; (Of "MARIAN" this was said) My cranial vertex flat? Pah! Tories may pooh-pooh; I wore a smaller hat When this old hat was new!

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THE NEW BISHOP OF DURHAM.--WESTCOTT and,--no, Bishops don't wear them--so His Reverend Lordship will be known as "WESTCOTT and Apron."

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ODE ON A BLACK BALL.

(_A Fragment, some way after Addison, picked up in the neighbourhood of the Athenæum Club._)

What though in solemn silence all Drop in the dark the fatal ball? What though no overt voice or sound Amidst the voting throng be found? In reason's ear they speak of choice, And utter forth a boding voice, Saying, as silent they recline, "Your company we must decline!"

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PIPING TIMES FOR THE EMPIRE.--The bagpipes were not heard playing, "_The Campbells are Coming_," at the relief of Lucknow. Why? Because the regiment hadn't got any. The regimental bagpipes were first introduced by Mr. BOUCICAULT, in his drama of _The Relief of Lucknow_ (that was the subject, whatever the name might have been) at Astley's. Miss AMY ROSELLE'S recitation of the thrilling story specially written for her by Mr. SAVILE CLARKE is most dramatic, and thrills the audience at the Empire. The journalistic discussion, as to the pipes, comes in very appropriately, and will assist to raise the wind and pay the piper. This recitation, is a great "Relief" to the ordinary Music-hall entertainments, and the Empire has "Luck now."

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"PROPRIA QUÆ MARIBUS."

PENTHESILEA straddling on the pigskin? Surely a male biped need not dwell In a prejudiced pedantic prig's skin, Not to like that prospect passing well. CARLYLE, who scoffed at Man, had deemed it caddish To picture _Woman_ as "a mere forked radish."

Dear Diana after hounds a riding Like--a clothes-peg on a clothes-line? Nay! Rub out all unnatural laws dividing Sex from sex,--'tis the World's drift to-day. Let ladies mount the 'bus, or Hansom Cab it, But let not custom new banish old Habit.

Paint, write poems, pose as prandial wit, Ma'am, Perorate upon the public platform; Even in the County Council sit, Ma'am, If Law lets you, and your taste takes that form; But take _Punch's_ tip, and do not straddle; Stick to common-sense and the side-saddle.

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Lines on the Labour Conference.

The youthful German Emperor may try By Socialistic plans to prop his rule. Some think 'twill all result in a great cry, And little (Berlin) wool. Still, all good souls will wish young WILLIAM luck. The Teutons may not relish Swiss suggestion, But anyhow it shows the Emperor's pluck In handling _Berne_-ing questions.

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_Q._ Shall Privates in uniform be admitted to the stalls and boxes in theatres? _A._ Certainly, if covered with "Orders." Private Boxes henceforth will be Boxes for Privates.

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"GRANDOLPHO FURIOSO!"

_Mr. Punch loquitur:--_

"Begone brave army, don't kick up a row!"-- GRANDOLPHO mine, it were sheer superfluity For you to _bid_ your forces scatter _now_. The troopers two, of curious incongruity, With the long drummer, and the fifer short, That formed the old stage-army were more numerous Than is your following. You have given us sport In many scenes, but this is hardly humorous.

The general of ARTAXOMINOUS Was far less terrible than--well, thrasonic. To tear a thing to tatters, shout and "cuss," In an assembly callous and sardonic, Savours a bit too much of sheer burlesque, Scarce to the level of fine acting rises. The unexpected's piquant, picturesque, But a sound drama is not _all_ surprises.

Thought you had taken to the "Temperance" line, This looks much more like angry inebriety. A little freakishness is vastly fine, But even of surprise there comes satiety. If you and FUSBOS JENNINGS can't agree, There seems small prospect of a growing Party, _Verb. sap._ They thought BOMBASTES dead, you see. But the _finale_ found him up, and hearty!

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"Lord ESHER is greatly concerned about the probable condition of a burglar's back after a couple of floggings."--_Times._

AIR--"_Those Evening Bells._"

The burglar's back, the burglar's back! 'Twill soon be rash a crib to crack. BILL SIKES will sigh for happier times, When "cats" were not the meed of crimes.

The burglar's back! Lord ESHER pales When thinking of its crimson wales. His feelings will not stand the strain, Of dwelling on the ruffian's pain.

The brute may "bash," the scoundrel shoot, Hack with his knife, "purr" with his boot; But though he "bash," or "purr," or hack, You must not touch the burglar's back.

No, let the brutal burglar burgle; Whilst sentiment will calmly gurgle Bland platitudes, but not attack That sacred thing, the burglar's back!

[Footnote: 1 "_The Burglar's Back_"--Is he? then the sooner he's caught and sent to penal servitude the better.--ED.]

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"MAY FARE WORSE!"

_Or, The Difference between Goode and Baird._

What a sweet little supper!--two fire-eating "pros.," And a person "of no occupation," Who got both his eyes blacked and was cut on the nose, Though "there wasn't the least provocation." And they cursed and they throttled, they gouged, and they swore, And they battered and bled, and they tumbled and tore, And they fetched the police, and they rolled down the stair, Did these blue-blooded dwellers in merry Mayfair.

Mr. ARTHUR COCKBURN will probably not want to see Mr. BAIRD in bed again, the penalty being two black eyes (no relation to the two that were lovely), and a cut nose. What's the good of being called GOODE if you are going to get your eyes gouged out, and be beaten on the head with a poker, and, in fact worsted all round? But there, if one gentleman is "slightly intoxicated," while another is "undoubtedly drunk," and a third is "slightly mixed," there's no knowing what may happen. Did GOODE "keep his hair on" when he got hit on the head with a poker? What a beautiful picture of genuine Mayfair manners it is! The case is still _sub (Punch and) judice_, and Mr. Justice _Punch_ reserves his decision.

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OUR BOOKING-OFFICE.

_Cassell's Cabinet Portrait Gallery._ In Number One are met together the Duke and Duchess of FIFE, SARAH BERNHARDT as _Theodora_, and the Archbishop of CANTERBURY, the last very properly looking another way. In Vol. II. there is rather a nice one of Mrs. STIRLING and MARY ANDERSON, but the photographer ought to have been more careful about the little finger of MARY'S right hand. In Vol. III., JAMES PAYN, reading a manuscript, with his spectacles up on his forehead, is very good. The picture of H.R.H. the Prince, in uniform, is too dark, and his expression is severe. Charming and clever Miss MAUD MILLETT is in Part IV., followed by the Duke of WESTMINSTER and Mr. LEWIS MORRIS, the Poet looking so awe-struck, that he must have been taken by surprise, and been "struck like it." Miss ANNA WILLIAMS leads off No. V., and, to express it musically, she is accompanied by the Duke of CONNAUGHT. Sir JAMES LINTON appears for the Water-colourists. In Part VI. the face of Mr. FRANK LOCKWOOD, Q.C., M.P., is full of light and shade, more light than shade, fortunately, and it is a really good likeness. The Duchess of LEINSTER looks lovely, and Sig. PIATTI uncommonly wise as he guards his 'cello.

Neatly and concisely done is Mr. BESANT'S _Captain Cook_, published in the MACMILLAN Series of _English Men of Action_. He discovered the Society Islands, whence, of course, are obtained our present supply of Society Papers. The natives of these Society Islands made great use of their Clubs, some of which proved fatal to Captain COOK and his men.

Captain COOK, had he been alive now, would have been among the first to appreciate _The Pocket Atlas_, in which the names of the chief places are clear enough for all practical purposes. There are seventy-two maps, and the publisher bears the honoured name of WALKER, though the map is not specially intended for the use of pedestrians.

MACMILLAN & CO.'S cheap edition of CHARLES KINGSLEY'S works is deservedly popular; easy to carry, good clean type, so that those who ride may read. _Two Years Ago_ is just out. By the way, the same firm's CHARLOTTE YONGE and the other KINGSLEY Series, make a noble show in a library, on our "noble shelves." "MAC & CO."--_i.e._, the "Two MACS"--are to be congratulated; and, that being so, the Baron hereby and herewith congratulates them.

THE BARON DE BOOK-WORMS.

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MR. G'S. HEAD.--A "DUKE" writing to the _St. James's Gazette_ last Thursday, joined in the discussion about Mr. GLADSTONE'S head, and observed that hats shrink, and that certain hatters, exceptionally sane, whose evidence can be trusted, allowed for the decrease in size. But do they allow for this in the bills? Is the decrease there proportionate? Considering what Mr. GLADSTONE once was, a Tory of the Tories, and what he is now, is it to be wondered at that a considerable change should have been going on in Mr. GLADSTONE'S head? Why he is finishing poles apart from where he commenced!

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THE King of the National Picture Donors is henceforth "the Potent TATE."

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MR. PUNCH'S DICTIONARY OF PHRASES.

(_Which will be found useful in explaining certain Conventional Forms of Expression. Compiled by Professor Von Hombugh._)

JOURNALISTIC.

"_The Police have a clue._" _Meaning_--"The Police know nothing about it, and are doing all they know."

"_An exceptionally experienced Detective has charge of the case, and is actively engaged in investigating all matters concerning it_;" _i.e._, "A promoted constable in plain clothes is loafing about the neighbouring public-houses, and standing drinks, generally without the exercise of much discrimination, to unlikely people."

"_A young Woman of prepossessing appearance_;" _i.e._, "A rather showy female."

"_The Police are, however, very reticent about the whole affair_;" _i.e._, "When ignorance is rife, 'tis folly to give tongue."

"_It is believed that the most important discoveries will result from the investigations now in progress_;" _i.e._, "Nothing is known as to whether anything is being done: but it finishes off the paragraph, and sounds well."

"_I am assured on the best authority, that there is no truth in the rumour that H.S.H. the Prince of Katzendlenbogen has been laid up with chicken-pox_;" _i.e._, "As there's no news, I may as well invent some, for the sake of contradicting it."

"_As everybody knows_;" _i.e._, "I have a certain space to fill, and nothing new to say, so I'll tell an ancient story, or bring in MACAULAY'S New Zealander."

"_As all the world knows_," "except myself (the writer), who has met with the information for the first time in a most valuable book of reference."

"_We regret to hear that, &c._;" _i.e._, "Our sorrow is tempered by the fact that we are utter strangers to the individual in question, and that his or her affliction provides us with a certain amount of 'copy.'"

"_The hall was tastefully decorated_;" _i.e._, "two hired flags and an evergreen hoop."

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SOCIAL.

"_How are you? Haven't seen you for an age!_" _i.e._, "Didn't expect to see you, and didn't want to."

"_Not at Home_;" _i.e._, "Doesn't she know that I've got a 'day?' Not that I want to see her even _then_!"

"_Of course I should have known it anywhere. I think you've caught the likeness most wonderfully!_" _i.e._, "Why the deuce doesn't he tell one whom it's meant for?"

"_Small and early_;" _i.e._, "No supper, and something which will count as 'a party,' at the least possible cost and trouble."

THEATRICAL.

"_The Management regrets that, owing to previous arrangements, the piece must be withdrawn in the height of its popularity_;" _i.e._, "Not drawing a shilling, company fearfully expensive, sooner we shut up the better."

"_House full! Money turned away nightly_;" _i.e._, Crammed with paper, two persons who wanted to pay for pit were refused admission by way of advertising.

"_The new Play will probably be produced during the Summer at a West End Theatre_;" _i.e._, "The author has had his comedy returned by every Manager in London, with the remark, that 'although excellent, it is scarcely suited to his present company.'"

PLATFORMULARS.

"_It would ill become me, after the able and eloquent speech of your Chairman_;" _i.e._, "What on earth is the name of that retired cheesemonger who talked rubbish, and mispronounced my name?"

"_When I look at this splendid meeting_;" _i.e._, "I wonder why those back benches are empty. Some bungling on the part of the Secretary, as usual."

"_I shall have to return to this subject later on_;" _i.e._, "Can't remember anything more at present."

"_If we all work shoulder to shoulder_;" _i.e._, "Must say 'shoulder to shoulder,' or 'shoulders to the wheel,' or, 'leave no stone unturned,' in every speech."

WORKMEN'S.

"_Well, I don't care if I do!_" _i.e._, "Haven't had a drink for half an hour--waiting for you to stand treat this ten minutes past."

"_Ah! he's a Gentleman, he is, every hinch of him!_" _i.e._, He has "parted" freely, or "tipped" liberally.

"_He's about as stingy as they make 'em_;" _i.e._, He has declined to be abominally overcharged.

"_Could you tell me wot's about the right time, Guv'nor?_" _i.e._, "Isn't it about time to send me up some more beer?"

ADVERTISING.

"_A Lady is desirous of recommending_;" _i.e._, "Getting rid of."

"_The Property of a Gentleman going abroad_;" _i.e._, "Mr. BROOKS (of Sheffield)."

"_Owner's sole Reason for parting with him is_"--_i.e._, "The one he omits to mention." (_To be continued._)

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"O RARE 'BEN'!"

In aid of The Actor's Benevolent Fund, the Irving Amateur Dramatic Club are going to give a performance of _Henry IV. (Part I.)_, at the Lyceum Theatre, Saturday afternoon, March 29, when in consequence of H.R.H. The Princess of WALES having accorded her gracious patronage, the Welsh song will be sung by Miss ELEANOR REES on the stage, as _Lady Mortimer_, which will be a melodious illustration of rhyme and REES-on. The Amateurs appearing for the Actors is as it should be. The President of the Club is HENRY, not the Fourth, but the First, yclept HENRY IRVING, and the Vice, with numberless virtues, is Mr. JUSTIN MCCARTHY, M.P., whom if it be JUSTIN Pater (not JUSTIN MARTYR), we should like to have seen in spectacles in the Tavern Scene, as _Francis_ the Drawer,--a drawer would have been an immense attraction. If JUSTIN Junior could play the other Drawer, the attraction would be doubled. "Sure such a pair!" But we must not jest in too Shakspearian a manner. We hope the Actors' Benevolent will benefit largely by the acting of the Benevolent Amateurs. Let the Benevolent Public too go and see _Henry IV. (Part 1st)_, and let them "part first."

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NOTE (_by One who doesn't pretend to know French_). The Tirard Cabinet couldn't go on, because it was too Tirard!!

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THE NEW AMAZON.

Ride-a-cock horse To Banbury Cross, To see a young Lady A-straddle, o'course. If the new notion Very far goes, What she'll do next Nobody knows.

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SPECTACULAR.--How is it that among the guests at the Livery Dinner--(ugh! horrid expression! Yet I dare say the dinner wasn't more livery than any other City banquet)--of the Spectacle Makers' Company, were not to be found AUGUSTUS DRURIOLANUS, quite the best spectacle maker in London, and that from among the list of toasts as reported, Art, Literature, and the Drama were omitted? Through what spectacles do the Spectacle Makers see?

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REFLECTION ON THE RECENT VALUABLE DISCOVERY AT CANTERBURY.--If cremation had been the practice in 1228 there would have been no remains of STEPHEN LANGTON to-day. Without the remains of the Archbishop, is it likely that the treasures, historically so valuable, would have been permitted to come down to us?

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MR. C. M. WOODFORD has just brought out a book entitled _A Naturalist among the Head Hunters_. Ahem! It doesn't sound nice. Is it procurable at every hairdresser's?

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"BETTERMENT,"--Well-meant.

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ESSENCE OF PARLIAMENT.

EXTRACTED FROM THE DIARY OF TOBY, M.P.