Chapter 2

By having a lot more conferences and having a lot of representatives from the public on them all, and paying them well for it, one could practically settle the unemployment problem for the winter. If the Government can only be brought to see that this is the only statesmanlike course, and the sole course consistent with the Anglo-Saxon sense of justice, and capable of leading to a satisfactory Exploration of Avenues, Finding of Bridges and Discovery of Ways Out, we may all achieve our life's ambition some day and open the morning paper to find that we are being read at last from left to right. "Mr. ROBERT WILLIAMS, Mr. LLOYD GEORGE, Mr. J. H. THOMAS, Lord RIDDELL," and so on and so on, till you come at last to "J. Smith, Esq., R.B.P.," smiling the widest of all. R.B.P.'s, I think, should wear a distinguishing mark--a single spat perhaps. EVOE.

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MORE SECRET HISTORY.

[According to a report in a daily paper, at the recent Peace Conference held at Spa, where the delegates were royally entertained in the matter of hotel accommodation, meals, etc., the cigar bill (which has been sent in to the League of Nations and sent out again) amounted to three thousand two hundred pounds. What the delegates could not smoke they seem to have taken away with them.]

'TIS sweet in darkish times like these to see a Rent in the veil which keeps the public blind, And thus obtain a pretty shrewd idea Of what goes on behind;

To note how quite an innocent report'll Reveal apparent trifles which befall, Proving that men whom we supposed immortal Are human after all.

But here, while I can hardly call you blameful For smoking "free" cigars with so much zest, Frankly I feel 'twas little short of shameful To go and pinch the rest.

I can forgive your huge hotel expenses; Your beef was rightly of a super-cut; A modicum of wine does whet the senses; But those cigars--tut, tut!

For there's a finer aid to meditation, Much more appropriate, in my humble view, When Nation nestles cheek by jowl with Nation, And far, far cheaper too.

So, if you'd really slay Bellona's bow-wows, Might I suggest your vicious ways should cease, And that in future you conduct your pow-wows Over the pipe of peace.

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An Affectionate Diminutive.

"Lord Buxton, who retired this summer from the post of High Commissioner and Governor-General of South Africa, has been made an early."--_Daily Paper._

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A correspondent, referring to Mr. Punch's quotation (from an Australian paper) of the title of a song, "It was a Lover and His Last," suggests "_Ne_ suitor _ultra crepidam._"

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On the coal strike:--

"We look to the Government to keep all doors open. We look to the public to keep cool."--_Westminster Gazette._

The public should have no difficulty in doing its part if the Government do theirs.

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THE CONSPIRATORS.

V.

MY DEAR CHARLES,--Let me remind you that the Bolshevist conspirator has to stir up conflagrations in other countries without leaving his own. Passports and things are put in to make it more difficult when he comes to getting his inflammable material and directions for use over the frontier. So he has to invent a way over the obstacles.

The first prize is awarded to the following: Secret instructions are printed in Arabic and the pages containing them are bound up in a five hundred page book in that language. The courier, an Oriental, carries this book openly in his hand when he presents himself at the frontier. It is ten to one that an innocent-looking book, thus carried, will not be suspected; a hundred to one against there being an official capable of reading it; five hundred to three against that official trying one of the guilty pages, if he is there and duly suspicious. Yet, with a hundred and sixty-six thousand chances against it, our Little Man got hold of those instructions.

The Sherlock Holmes of fiction is a gaunt figure, with a hatchet face, spare of flesh. Our Little Man is a chubby lad, standing about four foot ten in his stockinged feet, rubicund and corpulent, and he wears a mackintosh with a very mackintoshy smell in all weathers. He never did a day's work, and he never means to try, but he is a genius at getting it out of others. Some say he is of Swiss origin, some say he is American, and some say that surely he must be Chinese; he was never certain himself until Czecho-Slovak was invented, and he plumped for that. He has the degree of Master of Arts; what arts I don't know; probably the black ones. His inner knowledge of the human species seems to give him plenty to laugh at. He notices everything, forgets nothing, and there is never a weakness in a man but he is on to it. He made up his mind that those secret instructions were passing and set about to find how they passed and what they were. He was too lazy to begin at the beginning, so he began at the end. He called in person, as a commercial traveller, at the suspected office of destination, and in the short time available ascertained that the door-keeper who turned him out was a patriotic and fervent admirer of the wine of the country.

Our Little Man had no vulgar idea of getting the secret out of him by making him drunk. If there was a secret it wouldn't be in the door-keeper. But he and that door-keeper got to drinking together and the door-keeper did all the paying; the drinking and the paying went on by progressive degrees till the door-keeper had no money and only a still almighty thirst left. The Little Man left him with his thirst for a few days, until it became intolerable, and the door-keeper insisted that something simply must be done about it. The Little Man regretted that he could not give the necessary money to finance further orgies, but he would gladly advance it. Four nights got the door-keeper well in his debt, and our Little Man then began to talk about repayment. The door-keeper said he had no money; the Little Man said he must get it. Off whom? His employer.

How was the door-keeper to get his employer's money off him? By selling him a safe. Our Little Man then divulged that he was in reality a commercial traveller in safes; if the door-keeper would get his employer to buy one of his safes the Little Man would forgive him his debt by way of commission. He felt sure that the Head of the Office had a weakness for precautions. The door-keeper, now enthusiastic, said he should just think he had! The Little Man felt he was getting warm. The door-keeper put the deal through and prevailed upon his master to instal a really safe safe in the office, instead of the old one. You had only to look at it to see it was impregnable by fire, water or the King's Enemies. But one set of keys stayed with the Little Man.

The drinking (by both) and the paying (by the door-keeper) were resumed. When the debt was again large enough the Little Man imposed new terms. This time he wanted to see the Head of the Office himself, to put further deals through. The door-keeper thought deeply, but could see no harm in this. The Little Man was thus introduced into the presence, and startled it by pointing to the safe and offering to do burglar on it any night of the week. The Head was manifestly concerned.

"We have here," said the Little Man, producing two formidable slabs of steel hinged together and leaving room between them when locked for a wad of papers only--"we have here a special strong box exactly suited for the storage of your bank-notes. Put them in this box, and the box in the safe, and then you really are ahead of your enemies."

The Head bought. He gave the Little Man less money than he had spent on the strong box, and the Little Man gave him less keys than he was entitled to. The drinking and the debt were resumed, and, when it came to a question of settlement for the third time, the Little Man pointed out to the door-keeper that, if he hadn't the money to repay, then he must steal it. He now divulged that he was not really a broker, but a breaker of safes and strong boxes. He handed the door-keeper a key of his employer's safe. In the safe would be found the strong box. In the strong box would be found some notes of high value, unless he was very much mistaken.

So the door-keeper went and opened the safe and returned. And the Little Man opened the strong box, and he _was_ very much mistaken. There was never a note there; just half-a-dozen pages torn out of a book printed in Arabic.

He was so angry that he gave the strong box one on the lid for itself, with the result that he couldn't lock it again. However, he said he had a friend who could lock or unlock anything, and he left the door-keeper drinking, for the first time at the Little Man's expense, while he took off the box to be repaired by his friend. The latter happened to be in the next room with a camera. The pages were photographed; the Little Man returned to the door-keeper with the strong box, now capable of being re-locked; the door-keeper returned to the office and put back the strong box, locked, into the safe, which he also locked, and was wiping the sweat off his forehead and congratulating himself that no one was the worse, when he was startled to find a policeman had been watching him all the time.

But he proved to be a very amenable policeman. He said he would take no action before he and the door-keeper had had time to talk it over next day. By the time that talk came the photographs had been developed, printed and translated. But the policeman did not wish to bore the door-keeper with the tiresome details. To put it quite shortly the policeman thought it was a most excellent crime, worthy of repetition at intervals.

Yours ever, HENRY.

(_To be continued._)

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NEW RHYMES FOR OLD CHILDREN.

THE ----.

I NEVER know why it should be So rude to talk about the ----. What funny folk we are! I think we've got the jealous hump Because we see we'll never jump So skilfully and far. For, if one's nibbled by a gnat Or harvest-bugs or things like that, One seldom keeps it dark; One may enlarge upon the tale If one is gobbled by a whale Or swallowed by a shark; But if you speak about the bite Of this abandoned parasite You're very, very rash; So sure is it to raise a frown I dare not even write it down; I simply put a ----. None but an entomologist Will quite admit the things exist, And generally _they_ insist On using other names; For, when at night Professors leap Out of their scientific sleep Because these little devils keep Playing their usual games, They never shout, "It seems to be A something, something, something ----!" (The word is never used, you see, Except by artisans); No, as they fling the bedclothes high They give a wild but cultured cry, "Confound it! Botheration! Hi! A _Pulex irritans_!" A. P. H.

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Our Ruthless Motorists.

"Triumph 1920 4 h.p. Model H, also Baby, both brand new; sacrifice, L5 off each."

_Motor Journal._

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"It was intended to hold mock trials in order to familiarise women with court procedure and 'legal shibboleths.'

When I saw her to-day, Miss ---- said that 'techniaclities' would have been a better word."--_Evening Paper._

We hate to contradict a lady, but we cannot agree.

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WORKING FOR PEACE.

(_Extracts from the Diary of Mr. John Robert Boffkins, Trade Union Leader._)

_Monday._--Rose with a heart over-flowing with love towards my fellow-men. Industrial strife must cease. Strikes are a barbarous and futile method of redressing wrong. Rather think that an increase in wages of two shillings a day would appeal to our members. Must inquire.

_Tuesday._--Have confirmed my opinion that a two-shillings' increase would appeal to our members. They all seem enthusiastic over the suggestion. They appear to be under the impression that the idea is their own. It is not. It is mine. If it materialises I shall be most popular. But I am all for peace. A strike is out of the question. I shall spare no effort to prevent one.

_Wednesday._--Presented formal demand to employers to-day. Told our members they must be firm to the bitter end. The two-shillings' increase is their strict due, and, if we present a united front, the grasping capitalist will be brought to his knees. Am working night and day for peace.

_Thursday._--Pointed out to the employers that a strike is inevitable unless they give way. We can make no concession. My whole energies are concentrated on preventing a strike. Told our members that unless they remain firm the employers will crush them. A strike would be a national calamity and might spell ruin to the country.

_Friday._--The possibility of a strike looms larger. Can nothing be done to prevent it? Informed the employers that we declined to abate one iota of our claim. "All or nothing" is our motto. Also refused to go to arbitration. Warned the employers that a strike means starvation for women and children. The prospect appals me.

_Saturday._--The employers, who seem to be determined on a strike, have offered the men two shillings if they will consider the question of working five days a week instead of four. We refused their offer and demanded that our claim should be conceded unconditionally by noon, failing which our members would cease work.

_Later._--The strike has commenced. Heaven knows that I did everything to prevent it which human being could do. The capitalists seem to have made up their minds to force civil war and all its horrors upon the country. The spectacle of little children starving causes me acute distress.

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A GUIDE TO GREATNESS.

[Mr. JACOB EPSTEIN maintains in _The Daily Mail_ that a man to be a creative genius must lead an orderly domesticated life.]

I COURTED the Muse as a stripling, Immured in a Bloomsbury flat, And yearned for the kudos of KIPLING For fees that were frequent and fat; But editors, far from discerning The worth of the pearls that I placed At their feet, had a way of returning The same with indelicate haste.

But, espousing, a year or two later, The sweetest and neatest of wives, I found, after peeling a tater Or imparting a polish to knives, I could scribble with frenzy and passion, That the breaking of coal would inspire, In a truly remarkable fashion, My soul with celestial fire.

Serenity reigns in the household; I've cancelled my grudge against Fate; My lyrical efforts are now sold At a simply phenomenal rate; And, whether I'm laying the lino Or bathing the babes, I regard The job as a cushy one: _I_ know The way to succeed as a bard.

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ESSENCE OF PARLIAMENT.

_Tuesday, October 19th._--A start was made with half a hundred Questions, and, considering that most of them had been in cold storage since before the Recess, it was surprising how fresh they remained. Persia and Mesopotamia--not to mention Ireland--are still unsettled; the Turkish Treaty is not yet ratified; the cost of living continues to rise, and the ratio of unemployment has alarmingly advanced, especially in the case of ex-service men.

These last are to be found work in the building trades, with, it is hoped, the assistance of the trade unions, but, if that hope is disappointed, then without it. The country requires half-a-million houses built. "Here are men who could assist," said the PRIME MINISTER, "and we propose that they should be allowed to assist."

Over a prospect already sufficiently bleak there broods the shadow of the coal-strike. Sir ROBERT HORNE, in presenting the case for the Government, was admirably clear but, perhaps naturally, a little cold. Only when the new lighting arrangement had flooded the House with artificial sunshine did the Minister warm up a little and hint that a way of peace might yet be found.

I wonder if it was by accident or artifice that Mr. BRACE began his plea for the miners with the admission that they had only dropped the demand for the reduction of fourteen shillings and twopence in the price of domestic coal when they discovered that "the money was not there." Anyhow the laughter that ensued served to put Members into a good temper and to cause them to lend a friendly ear to his suggestion that the two shillings advance, though in his view only "dust in the balance," should be "temporarily" conceded, pending the establishment of a tribunal which should permanently settle the conditions of the mining industry. The increase of output which everyone desired would then be brought about.

Most of the speakers who followed seemed to think that Mr. BRACE had sown the seed of a settlement. It was left to the PRIME MINISTER, who evidently did not relish the task, to awaken the House from its beautiful dream. He pointed out that to accept the proposal would be to give the miners what they had originally claimed, without any guarantee that the greater output would be forthcoming. If it were not forthcoming and the two shillings were taken away, what would happen? "A strike," cried someone. "Precisely," said Mr. LLOYD GEORGE; only it would have been provoked by the Government instead of by the miners. He was not prepared to do business on those lines.

And so the debate came to an end rather than a conclusion.

_Wednesday, October 20th._--The Peers plunged into the morasses of the Irish Question. Lord CREWE asked for an official inquiry into the alleged "reprisals" and particularly instanced the attacks upon the creameries. Rather than that Ireland should be "pacified" by such methods as these he would see her engaged in civil war, "fairly conducted on both sides." From these words it may be gathered that his lordship's knowledge of civil war is happily not extensive.

Furnished with a voluminous brief from the Irish Office, Lord CURZON made a long reply, the purport of which was that many of the reprisals were bogus, many were actions undertaken in self-defence, while the rest were generally due to men "seeing red" after their comrades had been brutally murdered. The Government did not palliate such cases, and had instituted inquiries and taken disciplinary action against the offenders, when known; but they were not prepared to set up a public inquiry such as Lord CREWE had demanded. It would only substitute "a competition in perjury" for the present "competition in murder"--a somewhat infelicitous phrase by which, as he subsequently explained, he did not mean to imply, as Lord PARMOOR suggested, that police and rebels were engaged in a murderous rivalry.

Simultaneously the House of Commons was engaged upon an identically similar debate. Mr. ARTHUR HENDERSON was as lugubrious as Lord CREWE in presenting the indictment and distinctly less adroit in selecting his facts. His theory was that the Government had provoked the Sinn Fein outrages by its treatment of the people. Why, women had been prevented from taking their eggs to market!

Sir HAMAR GREENWOOD spoke from the same brief as Lord CURZON, but threw far more passion and vigour into its recital. There had been some reprisals, he admitted, but they were as nothing compared to the horrors that had provoked them; and he protested against the notion that "the heroes of yesterday"--the R.I.C. is mainly recruited from ex-service men--had turned into murderers. As for the creameries, he had never seen a tittle of evidence that they had been destroyed by servants of the Crown, and he warned the House not to believe the stories put out by the propaganda bureau of the Irish Republican Army. He was still a convinced Home Ruler--an Ulster hot-gospeller had accused him of being a Sinn Feiner with a Papist wife!--but the first thing to do was to break the reign of terror and end the rule of the assassin. That they were doing, and there was no case for Mr. HENDERSON'S "insulting resolution."

The Opposition for the moment seemed stunned by the CHIEF SECRETARY'S sledge-hammer speech. No one rose from the Front Bench and Lieutenant-Commander KENWORTHY had to overcome his modesty and step into the breach. Later on, Lord ROBERT CECIL, on the strength of information supplied by an American journalist, supported the demand for an inquiry. So did Mr. ASQUITH, on the ground that it would be in the interests of the Government of Ireland itself; but this argument was obviously weakened by Mr. BONAR LAW'S reminder that in 1913 and 1914 Mr. ASQUITH himself had deprecated inquiries in somewhat similar circumstances. The Government had a very good division, 346 to 79; but there were many abstentions.

_Thursday, October 21st._--It was, no doubt, by way of brightening an unutterably gloomy week that Mr. L'ESTRANGE MALONE, who has not hitherto been known as a humourist, invited the Government to intercede at Washington for the release of the notorious JAMES LARKIN, now languishing in an American gaol. Inasmuch as LARKIN had been convicted for having advocated the overthrow of the United States by violence, Mr. HARMSWORTH did not think H.M. Government were called upon to intervene. Mr. MALONE understood from this that the Government had no sympathy with British subjects in foreign lands, and so he got another laugh.

Commander BELLAIRS thought it would be a good idea if the League of Nations, pending the discharge of its more important functions, were to offer rewards for world-benefiting discoveries such as a prophylactic against potato-blight. Sir JOHN REES saw his chance and took it. "Does the League," he inquired, "declare to win on Phosphates, Peace or Potatoes?"--thus supplying proof positive that he owes his precise pronunciation to past practice with "prunes and prisms."