Chapter 2

Skeleton leaves in their hands for racquets (All in a ring around Brownies and elves in their bright green jackets Watched from the rising ground).

Then, as I crept up close for clearer Sight of the Fairy Queen, _Oberon_, throned on a toadstool near her, Carolled out "Love fifteen."

Over a net of the fairies' knitting (Fine-spun gossamer thread) Smallest of tiny puff-balls flitting Hither and thither sped.

So for a minute I watched them, shrinking Low in the gorse-bush shade; Then, like a mortal fool unthinking, Shouted aloud, "Well played!"

Right in the midst of an elfin rally Sudden I stood alone; Far away over the distant valley Fairies and elves had flown.

* * * * *

A D'ANNUNZIO DIALOGUE.

[From which will be perceived not only that telephonic communication exists between Fiume and Lucerne, but also that there is an easy way out of the difficulty with Greece if only the League of Nations will utilise the instrument that lies to their hand.]

_D'Annunzio (testily)._ Hello, Lucerne! Hello! Is that the Greek KING? Confound this buzz! Is that you, TINO?

_King Constantine._ Speaking. What do you want? I'm packing up my grip.

_D'Ann._ D'ANNUNZIO speaks. Attend the trumpet's lip. Snatching a few brief moments, CONSTANTINE, Out of my business morning--eight to nine, Composing epic poems; nine to one, Consolidating our position in the sun (Sweet Alexandrine!), breakfast, bath and post, A raid or two on the Dalmatian coast, Speeches, parades and promulgating laws Which, being published to my followers, cause Loud cries of "Author!" and sustained applause; Such is the round of toil that leaves not limp Fiume's favoured Pontifex et Imp.-- I thought I'd ring you up.

_King Con._ Well, well, what is it?

_D'Ann._ I hear you are proposing to revisit Athens.

_King Con._ Well, if I am, what's that to you?

_D'Ann._ This, that, whilst gazing at the local blue The other day, I hit upon the plan Of conquering the Mediterranean, Including the Ægean and the finer Portions, most probably, of Asia Minor, And holding them as provinces beneath Fiume and my own imperial wreath.

_King Con._ Go on, then, dash you.

_D'Ann._ I shall soon begin; But I decline to have you butting in. Tyrants there still may be, but not the sort Discarded from a philo-Teuton Court; The tolerant warmth that sheds a kind of lustre Over a stout Ausonian filibuster Does not extend to thoroughly bad hats Like abdicated Hellene autocrats. And, if the Allies feel some slight reserve About resisting your confounded nerve, I, GABRIELE, do not. You may be A kind of subject satrap under me; If not, look out. You shall have cause to know The singing eagles of D'ANNUNZIO.

_King Con._ I'll think it over.

_D'Ann._ Do so swiftly then; Meanwhile good morning; I must see some men-- Also the Muse. She waits upon my pen. [_Rings off._

EVOE.

* * * * *

"How many cocktails are there? 'William,' the mixer at the Royal Automobile lub, who was for eayrs at the Hotel ecil, states that he can produce some 70 varieties without repeating himself."--_Daily Paper._

And did the author of the above paragraph try them all?

* * * * *

"Towards the conclusion of the meeting Miss Dolly ---- sang the solo 'The City of Light' in a very able style, and, as Mr. ---- mentioned in a vote of thanks, which he proposed, seconded and supported, to the Chairman, speaker, accompanist, and soloist, she excelled herself."--_Local Paper._

We understand that the Gasworkers' Union has remonstrated with the orator on his excessive output.

* * * * *

THE SNIPER.

Brackley is a good fellow, but I loathe him.

How would you like it if you were tied to work and every now and then a man came up to you in your club and said, "Old man, do come away with me to the Pyrenees and shoot jummel," or "Can't you spare a month, old fellow, to come stalking ibex in Montenegro with me?" or "Look here, you're just the chap I want to run over to Alaska with me for a pot at the grizzlies"?

Just a fortnight ago Brackley came and told me of a delightful rough shooting he had rented in an obscure corner of Ireland. According to him it was a congested snipe area. You could not see the pools for wild-duck. The honking of wild-geese kept one awake at night. The drawback to the estate was that you were always tripping over hares.

"You won't be safe there," I said to Brackley.

"I'm safe anywhere," said Brackley. "Work it on system. In Arabia send the mullah a bottle of brandy. On the Continent stand the local mayor a bottle of wine. In Ireland ask the priest up to drink whiskey with you in the evening. So long as the authorities have their thirst relieved there's never trouble. Now just come for a fortnight. There'll be crowds of snipe. I'm told there are woodcock too."

I was adamant.

"Well," sighed Brackley, "I'll send you a card to say how I get on."

When his postcard arrived it ran:--

"To-day-- "_Ballinagrub._

Ten brace snipe. Four landrail. One brace partridge. Three wild-duck. Nine hares. One woodcock.

"What ho!"

Isn't that an aggravating card to get when you are deep in the most elusive and trying chase of all--the money hunt?

I wrote Brackley a scornful postcard:--

"Go on with your baleful schemes. Wallow in slaughter. Roll in blood. Devastate the district. As an honest hard-working Englishman I regard you with utter contempt."

Three days later Brackley slapped me on the back in our club.

"What are you doing here?" I said. "Don't tell me the snipe have gone on strike."

"All your fault," he grumbled. "About half-an-hour after I got your infernal postcard six outsize Republican soldiers called on me and gave me just ten minutes to get a car and drive to the station. I told them what a silly fool you were and that it was one of your wretched jokes; but you can't expect an Irishman to see a joke. I tried to explain it; I said that you referred to my exploits as a sniper; and they replied that sniping was their department and nobody else's.

"So I decided to come home and arrange for some shooting in a place where there's a bit of peace. I'm thinking of going after the ongdu antelopes in Somaliland. You can't spare three months, can you?"

"Why didn't you face it out?" I said, knowing that Brackley had spent four years and two months of his life shooting Huns.

"Not worth while. I could have had a guard, of course. But you can't expect decent snipe-shooting when there's a lot of promiscuous firing going on in the district. The snipe is a peculiarly nervous bird, you know."

* * * * *

* * * * *

* * * * *

A FOOTNOTE TO THE "BAB BALLADS."

[The Vice-Chairman of No. 1 Committee of the League of Nations, dealing with general organisation, is Mr. WELLINGTON KOO, the distinguished Chinese diplomatist.]

Serene and Celestial Sage, How well you revive and renew The delights of an age when good "Bab" was the rage-- Eminent WELLINGTON KOO!

For I feel, though I may be a fool, You were reared in remote Rum-ti-Foo, Maybe suffered at school its episcopal rule-- Tolerant WELLINGTON KOO.

Next I see you adorning the scene In the city of fair Titipu, Garbed in green and in gold, very fine to behold-- Sumptuous WELLINGTON KOO.

Then you probably met _Captain Reece_ And all his affectionate crew, Who knew no decrease of their comfort and peace-- Nautical WELLINGTON KOO.

_Clonglocketty Angus McClan_ I fear was withheld from your view; That unfortunate man was not fated to scan Fortunate WELLINGTON KOO.

But my reason instinctively tells It was you who contrived to imbue With his knowledge of spells _John Wellington Wells_-- Magical WELLINGTON KOO.

"Morality, heavenly link," I'm sure you will never taboo, Though to it I don't think you'll "eternally drink"-- Temperate WELLINGTON KOO.

It is rather malicious, I own, To play with a name that is true, But I hope you'll condone my irreverent tone-- Generous WELLINGTON KOO.

* * * * *

"ROYAL EXILES.

Some archdukes have become clerks, and many have become governesses and ladies' maids."--_Tasmanian Paper._

For these last two posts, their archness would, we think, be an irresistible qualification.

* * * * *

"NURSES WANTED.

540 Hours Working Week.

Extra pay at special rates for any time worked in excess of ordinary working hours."

_Provincial Paper._

The generous provision for "overtime" makes the above offer unusually attractive.

* * * * *

IF THEY WERE AT SCHOOL.

(_That is, if the House of Commons were like our School Debating Society--as indeed it is--and if its proceedings were reported with the incisive brevity of our School Magazine--and why not?_)

On Wednesday the Society held its 2,187th meeting. There was some regrettable rowdiness during Private Business, and A. MOSELEY (Collegers) had to be ejected for asking too many questions. Members must not bring bags of gooseberries into the debates.

In Public Business the motion was:--

"_That in the opinion of this House Science is better than Sport._"

D. LLOYD GEORGE, Proposer (School House), said that Science had won the War, and quoted Wireless Telegraphy and Daylight Saving to prove this. The most successful Generals had had a scientific training. His uncle had met a General who knew algebra and used it at the Battle of the Marne. Only two first-class cricketers had ever been in the Cabinet. Three scientists had. The earth went round the sun. The moon went round the earth. Rivers flowed into the ocean.

An improving speaker, who is inclined to be carried away by his enthusiasm. Too many metaphors.

H. ASQUITH, Opposer (Collegers), said that the speech of the hon. Proposer was a tissue of fabrications, as ineffective as they were insincere. Never in the whole course of his career had he encountered a subterfuge so transparent, a calumny so shameless as the attempt of the Hon. Prop., he might say the calculated and cynical attempt of the Hon. Prop., to seduce from their faith the tenacious acolytes of Sport by the now threadbare recital of the dubious and, on his own showing, the anæmic enticements of Science. The War had proved that Science was no good.

This speaker is steadily improving, but he has a tendency to a "fatal fluency," and he must beware of high-sounding phrases. Also too many passages in his speech sounded like quotations.

A. BONAR LAW, Seconder (Commoners), said that the War had proved that Sport was no good. Gas had been invented by Science. He pointed out the importance of astronomy in navigation.

A rapidly improving speaker. But he must not mumble.

E. G. PRETTYMAN{most likely misprint for 'PRETYMAN' - see ESSENCE OF PARLIAMENT below}(Hodgeites) said that farming was both a science and a sport. The canal system of Great Britain had been neglected.

Some neat little epigrams.

LESLIE SCOTT (Collegers) said that his father was a lawyer. Science had been used in the Russo-Japanese War.

This speaker was not at his best. Perhaps it was the gooseberries.

LESLIE WILSON (Hittites) said that his Christian name was the same as the previous speaker's--(Laughter)--but his views were very different. (Loud laughter.) He would like to ask the House which had done most in the War--Tanks or Banks.

The speech of the evening. Witty and well-argued. But he must not fidget with his waistcoat-buttons.

W. S. CHURCHILL (Hivites) said that this was a revolutionary motion. Sport and Science must stand together. True sport was scientific and true scientists were sportsmen. (Applause.) Together they would stand as an imperishable bulwark against the relentless tide of Socialism. Divided they would fall.

A steadily improving speaker, but he must not recite.

H. A. L. FISHER (Collegers) was in favour of Proportional Education.

He must not lecture.

E. GEDDES (Perizzites) said he did not mind what game he played. Rugger, Soccer, Hockey, Cricket, Lacrosse, Rounders--he was equally at home with all of them.

An improving speaker. He must not speak at the roof; there is no one there.

F. BANBURY (Sittites) must not go on and on.

A. MOND (Moabites) must not fidget with his feet.

H. D. KING (Hivites) said that sailing was scientific.

He has not been heard before.

R. KENWORTHY (Day-boy) must not be heard again.

R. BRACE (Coalites) must not wheedle.

ADAMSON (Coalites) must not shout.

A. ADDISON (Collegers) was inaudible where we were.

E. CARSON (Jebusites) was inaudible everywhere. But we gather we did not miss much. He must speak up.

W. BENN (Amalekites) was invisible.

A. BALFOUR (Stalactites) was insensible. But why not sleep in the dormitory?

R. CECIL _mi._ (Parasites) must not preach.

J. DEVLIN (Meteorites) said that Ireland was a nation. But he must not get excited.

R. CECIL _ma._ (Collegers) must not eat while he is speaking. Otherwise a gentlemanly speech.

The President summed up and the Motion was carried by 12 votes to 11.

A. P. H.

* * * * *

* * * * *

* * * * *

A DIFFICULT CASE.

DEAR MR. PUNCH,--This is one of those social problems which end by asking what A should do, only in this case I want to know what you would do.

It happened on the first day of my leave, just after I had, as is my custom on this day, had my hair cut and otherwise made beautiful at a place in Bond Street. (I am afraid this sounds as if I was a rich man, but really I am a Naval Officer.)

I was wearing--well, that would not interest you, but it really was rather a pleasant suit, with a hat which even _The Daily Mail_ could not improve upon. Briefly, I was strolling along in a perfectly contented frame of mind when a horse, drawing a van, chose to fall down right alongside me.

In a moment of rashness and chivalry--have I said that the horse was being driven by a girl?--I promptly sat on the brute's head, an act which I had always been told is the correct thing to do, though, I should imagine, discouraging for the horse.

In my haste I sat down with my back to the van, so was unable to gauge the progress of the refitting work which was going on.

In an effort to convey to the crowd, which had, of course, collected, that I was in no way embarrassed, nay more, that I was well accustomed to sitting on horses' heads in the middle of Bond Street, I lit a cigarette and tried to look _blasé_, no easy thing to do in the circumstances.

Small boys made tactless remarks about my personal appearance and eccentric habits, but I ignored them, feverishly thinking that this adventure would necessitate an early visit to my club. I had just decided what brand of cocktail would best meet the case when I felt a tap on my shoulder and looked up at a vast blue expanse which I realised later was a policeman.

"If you've quite finished with that there 'orse you're sitting on, young man," he said, "the leddy wants to take it 'ome."

The crowd chuckled and I rose hurriedly. Unfortunately, so did the horse, urged on, possibly by the cries and kicks of several willing helpers, or possibly by the sight of his mistress, who had come up, I hoped, to thank me.

Not only did the horse rise, but he rose at full speed and without giving me time to get my foot off the rein on which I was unwittingly standing.

My leg shot into the air and I lost all sense of direction for a few seconds. Then a slight shock, and I found myself clasping the "leddy" firmly round the neck.

At this juncture my aunt appeared.

My aunt, I should explain, is nothing if not dignified. She is built on the lines of a monitor, bluff in the bow, broad in the beam, slow and majestic of movement. Her lips were moving feebly when I saw her, but she uttered no sound, uncertain, I suppose, whether to intervene or to pretend that I was in no way connected with her.

Paralysed by her arrival, I saw her slowly take in the scene. Her eye wandered from the policeman to me, from me to the unfortunate girl to whom I still clung. I could see her jumping--no, moving ponderously--towards the wrong conclusion.

Mr. Punch, what would you have done?

Yours faithfully, An N. O.

[Your first thought should have been for the girl, whom you had clearly compromised in your aunt's eyes. You should at once have introduced her to that lady as your long-lost _fiancée_. Later in the afternoon you could have called on your relative and told her that you had mislaid the girl again--this time irretrievably.--ED.]

* * * * *

* * * * *

ESSENCE OF PARLIAMENT.

_Monday, November 15th._--To induce the House of Lords to accept a measure for the compulsory acquisition of land is analogous to the process of getting butter out of a dog's mouth; and it is not surprising that Lord PEEL essayed the task of getting a second reading for an Acquisition of Lands Bill in rather gingerly fashion. When one remembered a racy correspondence in the newspapers over certain Midlothian farms one could hardly have been surprised if the Laird of DALMENY had reappeared in the arena, flourishing his claymore. But, alas! he still remains in retirement, and it was left to Lord SUMNER to administer some sound legal thwacks and, in his own words, to "dispel the mirage which the noble Viscount raised over the sand of a very arid Bill." He did not oppose the Second Reading, but hinted that if ever it emerged from Committee its own draftsman would not know it.{missing period in original}

The PRESIDENT OF THE BOARD OF TRADE must regard Monday with rather mixed feelings. That is the day on which Questions addressed to his Department have first place on the Order-paper; and accordingly he has a lively quarter-of-an-hour in coping with the contradictory conundrums of Cobdenites and Chamberlainites. On the whole he treads the fiscal tight-rope with an imperturbability worthy of BLONDIN. A Tariff Reformer, indignant at the increased imports of foreign glass-ware, provoked the query, "Does my hon. friend regard bottles as a key-industry?" And a Wee Free Trader who sarcastically inquired if foreign countries complained of our dumping cement on them at prices much above the cost in this country was promptly told that "that is the very reverse of dumping."

Sir DONALD MACLEAN was rewarded to-night for all his uphill work as leader of the Wee Frees before--and since--Mr. ASQUITH'S reappearance. On the Financial Resolution of the Ministry of Health Bill his eloquent plea for the harassed ratepayers received an almost suspiciously prompt response from Mr. BONAR LAW, who admitted that it was inconvenient to drive an "omnibus" measure of this kind through an Autumn Session, and intimated that thirteen of its clauses would be jettisoned. An appeal from Lady ASTOR, that the Government should not "economise in health," fell upon deaf ears. Dr. ADDISON not only enumerated the thirteen doomed clauses, but threw in a fourteenth for luck.

_Tuesday, November 16th._--I don't suppose Lord CREWE and the other noble Lords who enlarged upon the theme "_Persicos odi_" expected to embarrass the FOREIGN SECRETARY by their cross-questioning. Persia is to Lord CURZON what "de brier-patch" was to _Brer Rabbit_. He has been cultivating it all his life, and knows every twist and turn of its complicated history, ancient and modern. The gist of his illuminating lecture to the Peers was that our one aim had been to maintain Persian independence with due regard to British interests, and that it now rested with the Persians themselves to decide their own destiny.

Hopes of a relaxation of the passport restrictions were a little dashed by Mr. HARMSWORTH'S announcement that the fees received for British visas amounted to some fifty per cent. more than the cost of the staff employed. The Government will naturally be loth to scrap a Department which actually earns its keep.

The WAR MINISTER was again badgered about the hundred Rolls-Royces that he had ordered for Mesopotamia. Now that we were contemplating withdrawal was it necessary to have them? To this Mr. CHURCHILL replied that the new Arab State would still require our assistance. A mental picture of the sheikhs taking joy-rides in automobiles _de luxe_ presented itself to Mr. HOGGE, who gave notice that he should "reduce" the Army Estimates by the price of the chassis. A little later Mr. CHURCHILL came down heavily on an innocent Coalitionist who had proffered suggestions as to the better safeguarding of the troops in Ireland. "Odd as it may seem," he told him, "this aspect of the question has engaged the attention of the military authorities."

In the course of debate on the Agricultural Bill, Mr. ACLAND hinted that Sir F. BANBURY, one of its severest critics, was out of touch with rural affairs. Whereupon Mr. PRETYMAN came to the rescue with the surprising revelation that the junior Member for the City of London, in addition to his vocations as banker, stockbroker and railway director, had on one occasion carried out the functions of "shepherd to a lambing flock." The right hon. Baronet, who is known to his intimates as "Peckham," will have Mr. PRETYMAN to thank if his _sobriquet_ in future is "Little Bo-Peep."