Chapter 2

"Don't mind if I do," said John. "May I have the pleasure?" with a courtly bow to Margery.

They re-commenced.

"That's right," said Margery; "now two forward."

"I must have a natural genius for dancing," said John, conversing easily; "I seem to ... Do we twinkle next?"

"Yes," said Margery.

"I seem to fall into it naturally."

"Look out!" shrieked Margery.

I don't know exactly what happened; I rather think John got his gears mixed up in the twinkling business. At any rate, one of his feet shot up in the air, he made a wild grab at nothing and tripped heavily backwards into the hearth. The piano was drowned in general uproar.

John arose with difficulty from the ashes and addressed himself haughtily to Cecilia.

"I can understand that these two," he said, waving a black but contemptuous hand at Margery and myself, "should scream with delight. Their whole conception of humour is bound up with banana-skins and orange-peel. But may I ask why _you_ should have hysterics because your husband has fallen into the fireplace?"

"'You seemed to fall into it so naturally,'" I quoted in a shaky voice.

"Darling," sobbed Cecilia, "I am trying--please--if only you would take that piece of soot off your nose--" She dabbed her eyes and wept helplessly.

John rubbed his nose quickly and walked to the door.

"If you want my opinion of dancing," he said bitterly, "I think it's a low pagan habit."

"'Twinkle, twinkle, little star,'" sang Margery.

"Bah!" said John, and banged the door.

* * * * *

THE NEW UTOPIA.

[Suggested by Mr. J. H. THOMAS'S book, just out, with a Red Flag on the wrapper.]

O England, with what joy I hail The master-hand that calms and cools In THOMAS'S entrancing tale, _When Labour Rules_.

There will be no more serfs and slaves; There will be no more feudal fools; The KING may stay, if he behaves, When Labour rules.

Workers, in Downing Street installed, Will never think of downing tools; Strikes clearly never will be called When Labour rules.

The hand of brotherhood that knits At present Tom and Dick with Jules Will be extended to good Fritz, When Labour rules.

The vile capitalistic crew Of human vampires, sharks and ghouls Will vanish in the boundless blue When Labour rules.

Our children will be standardized In psycho-analytic schools, And brains completely equalized When Labour rules.

O Paradise! O frabjous day! When 'neath the flag of flaming gules Labour shall hold unchallenged sway-- When THOMAS rules.

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=GENF AND THE LEAGUE OF NATIONS.=

"Genf," like "Genève," is the Swiss for "Geneva." It was selected, nearly two years ago, as the seat of the League of Nations. In a few days the League arrives; and I doubt if any person, firm, company, corporation or league, having provided itself with a seat, ever waited so long before it came and sat upon it.

You will remember a learned treatise of mine in these pages on the subject of Lucerne, written in August last, when our PRIME MINISTER came and sat there. I make my living by writing up the towns of Switzerland as one by one they get sat on. As there are not more than half-a-dozen eligible towns in Switzerland, and as we shall have exhausted two of them in less than half a year, the living I make is a precarious one; in other words I shall soon be dead. Well, well! A short life and a merry one, say I. You must admit a touch of subtle merriment in that word "Genf."

To get to Geneva you provide yourself with a passport, a book of rail and steamer tickets, a ticket for a seat in the Pulman car, a ticket for a berth in the sleeping-car and a ticket for the registration of your luggage. In short, by the time you are in France you will have had pass through your hands one passport and eleven tickets; and the first thing you will do upon settling down into the French train is to compete and intrigue to get a twelfth ticket for your lunch. You will find that this useless ticket will follow you all the way to Geneva and will always assert itself when you are accosted by a ticket inspector. I even know a traveller who arrived eventually at the Swiss frontier with no other paper of identity or justification; for a passport which should have given his name, address, motive for travelling, shape of mouth, size of nose and any other peculiarities, he could only tender documentary evidence of his having eaten the nineteenth lunch of the first series of the day before.

Two things catch the eye about Geneva. In the first place it is on a lake, and in the second place it is always brimful of International Unions, Leagues, Congresses and Conferences. The lake is navigated in the season by a fleet of sizeable steamers, and one of these, a two-hundred tonner, used to call every morning of the season at the little pier outside my house to take me to business, and brought me back again every evening. By the pier rests an old, old man whose only duty in life it is to catch the hawser as it is thrown from the incoming liner. Twice a day for four months that hawser was thrown for the old man to catch, and twice a day for four months he missed it. I spoke to him about this on the last day, and he showed a fine courage which nothing can depress. Next season he means to try again. As he will be out of a job in the interval I am plotting to secure for him the post of naval expert to the League.

Turning from the lake to the international delegates, who abound in Geneva, it is to be noted that the last lot here were the International Congress of Leagues of Women. Their main agendum was to pronounce their complete independence of men. One of these delegates went for a row on the lake and fell in. She was pulled out again by a man.

You will find that Geneva was nominated as the seat of the League in the Peace Treaty of Versailles. Ever since, the people of Geneva have been busy conjecturing what the League of Nations will do upon its arrival in Geneva. It will do exactly what you and I would do in similar circumstances. Stepping out of the station exit it will hurry off to its hotel. But when Leagues go to hotels they buy the darned things outright. I don't know what they do about notices on the walls; alter some and remove others, no doubt. The international delegates will be requested to ring once for the political expert, twice for the military expert and three times for the naval expert. If my old man gets the last-named job they will have to ring rather more than three times if they want him to come up _at once_ and discuss schemes for readjusting the various oceans.

As to the other usual decorations of hotel bedroom walls, the notice will be removed which informs all concerned that the management will not be held responsible for valuables, unless these be deposited in the office safe, though this will not be intended to indicate that the new management has doubts as to the safety even of its own safe.

The "Hôtel National," which is the hotel in question, was in process of complete reconstruction when the purchase took place. A bathroom has been annexed to every room. Presumably every international delegate will have a suite allotted to his nation. The question I ask myself is this, Will he put himself in the room and his secretaries in the bathroom, or himself in the bathroom and the secretaries in the room? And the answer I make to myself is as follows: The delegate will appoint the room to be his room and the bathroom to be his bathroom and will leave his secretaries to make the best of things out in the corridor. The suggestion you will probably make is that there are more suites of rooms than nations; that I must leave you to work out for yourself. The number of suites of rooms is ascertainable, but no one seems able to inform me how many nations there are. Personally every time I pick up a newspaper I seem to discover a new one. However that may be, the nations are now all formed into their League, and may the best one win the Cup Final, say I!

F. O. L.

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* * * * *

=FOR THE CHILDREN.=

Mr. Punch comes once more, hat in hand, to beg for help in a good cause. This time he asks the generous aid of his readers on behalf of the Victoria Home at Margate, of which Her Majesty the QUEEN is Patroness. This Home cares for invalid children, from very little ones of only a few months old, to boys of twelve years and girls of fifteen. There is room for between fifty and sixty of them and they stay, on an average, for the best part of a year, during which they receive careful medical attention, and have all their needs tended, body and mind. Many of them have lost a leg or an arm and nearly all have some bandaged limb, yet, with these disabilities, they contrive to learn the duties of a loyal Scout and are very proud of their uniform.

The cost of drugs, of surgical dressings and all house-keeping necessaries has risen enormously and the Home is compelled to plead for further help. Mr. Punch invites his readers to send for a report and see for themselves the very touching pictures which it gives, in an admirable set of photographs, of the life of these children in their happy surroundings.

All communications and gifts should be addressed to the Secretary of the Victoria Home for Invalid Children, at 75, Denison House, Vauxhall Bridge Road, S.W.

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* * * * *

"The Unknown Warrior."

WESTMINSTER ABBEY, NOVEMBER 11TH, 1920.

Here lies a warrior, he alone Nameless among the named and known; None nobler, though by word and deed Nobly they served their country's need, And won their rest by right of worth Within this storied plot of earth. Great gifts to her they gave, but he-- He gave his life to keep her free.

O. S.

* * * * *

THE NEW JOURNALISM.

["In New York Mr. Harding leads by a figure something like the circulation of _The Daily Mail_. Pennsylvania gives him a majority which appears equal to the circulation of _The Evening News_. It is phenomenal."--_The Evening News._]

The method which is being used just now by some of Mr. Punch's contemporaries to draw attention to their circulations does not, it will be seen, tend to numerical nicety, though doubtless it has its advantages from the advertising point of view. The following items of news are intelligently anticipated.

* * *

The licences cancelled in one district in Scotland, as a result of the recent local veto poll, total exactly half the number of quires of "returns" of last week's _Pawkiesheils Gazette_. It is insignificant.

* * *

An analysis of the miners' votes in the Lancashire coalfield proves that there were as many men in favour of rejecting the Government proposals as would have provided ten readers for each copy sold (_not_ merely printed) of the last issue of _The Chowbent and Chequerbent Chronicle_. It is magnificent.

* * *

It is estimated that, if three more distinguished statesmen and another woman of letters can be prevailed upon to write piquant reviews of Mrs. ASQUITH'S autobiography, the sale of the work will probably greatly exceed the numbers of copies of the latest Blue Book issued by H.M. Stationery Office. It is unthinkable.

* * *

It is confidently expected that, if the protests against a certain cinema plot can be sustained for a few days longer, as many people will go to see the show in the first week as there are feet in the film--without counting those who will sneak round for a free view of "The Stage Door of the Diadem Theatre." It is good business.

* * * * *

"An ex-Army officer was charged with stealing cooks valued at 51/- from Messrs. ----'s."--_Sunday Paper._

At that price they must have been very plain cooks.

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* * * * *

=ESSENCE OF PARLIAMENT.=

_Monday, November 1st._--In response to a renewed demand for the Admiralty's account of the Battle of Jutland the PRIME MINISTER made the remarkable statement that it was very difficult to get "an official _and impartial_ account," but he added that the Government were willing to publish all the reports and despatches on the subject and leave the public to judge.

Who shall decide, when Admirals disagree? Why, JULIAN CORBETT, or the great B.P.

Owing to the unexpectedly rapid passage through Committee of the Government of Ireland Bill last Friday, the way was cleared for a number of British measures. Although dealing with the most diverse subjects they were alike in one respect--without exception they incurred the hostility of Sir F. BANBURY. Whether it was a proposal to reduce the dangers of employing women in lead processes or to give married women in Scotland the same privileges as their English sisters (including the duty of supporting an indigent husband), or to hold an Empire Exhibition, or to set up Juvenile Courts, the hon. baronet found reason for opposing them all.

Once or twice he secured the support of Sir JOHN REES, but for the most part he was _Athanasius contra mundum_, maintaining his equanimity even when Mr. HOGGE advised him to "marry a Scotswoman;" or Lady ASTOR expressed her regret that he had not women, instead of bankers, for his constituents.

The Government had no reason to complain of his activity, which may indeed have prevented the intrusion of more dangerous critics; for despite his efforts every Bill went through.

_Tuesday, November 2nd._--The most striking thing in Lord LOREBURN'S speech upon Irish affairs seemed to me to be his uncompromising declaration that he was "no supporter of Mr. ASQUITH." He endorsed, however, his former chief's demand for an independent inquiry into the reprisals, but his motion was defeated by 44 to 13.

Ever since Sir W. JOYNSON-HICKS defeated Mr. CHURCHILL at Manchester he has felt it his duty to keep on his track. Convinced that our policy in Mesopotamia is due to the WAR MINISTER'S megalomania he is most anxious to bring him to book. The prospect of a Supplementary Estimate for the Army seemed likely to furnish the desired occasion. But when he pressed Mr. CHURCHILL on the subject the alleged spendthrift airily replied that there was no hurry; "I do not immediately require money."

The gloom of the daily Irish catechism was a little brightened by an interchange of pleasantries between Mr. STANTON and Mr. JACK JONES. On this occasion the latter had rather the best of it. "Golliwog!" he shouted in allusion to his opponent's luxuriant _chevelure_. Mr. STANTON could think of no better retort than the stereotyped "Bolshie!" and when Mr. JONES rejoined with "You ought to be put into Madame Tussaud's" Mr. STANTON was reduced to silence. But is it not a scandal that these entertaining comedians should only get four hundred a year?

On the Agriculture Bill Sir A. GRIFFITH-BOSCAWEN was faced with an urgent demand for a separate Wages Board for Wales. First he wouldn't; it would be "an exceedingly inconvenient and expensive arrangement." But the Welshmen were so insistent that he changed his mind, and when the vigilant Sir FREDERICK BANBURY challenged the new clause on the ground that it would impose a fresh charge on the Exchequer Sir ARTHUR was able to convince the SPEAKER that, though there would be "additional expenditure," there would be no "fresh charge." Such are the nice distinctions of our Parliamentary system.

_Wednesday, November 3rd._--When Mr. CHURCHILL, some sixteen years ago, crossed the floor of the House, his man[oe]uvre was regarded as a portent, and men talked of "a sinking ship." It cannot be said that Lord HENRY BENTINCK'S sudden appearance among the Labour Members created anything like the same sensation, even though he was joined a little later by Mr. OSWALD MOSLEY. Lord HENRY has always derived his political opinions rather from his heart than his head, and has lately developed a habit of firing explosive Questions at Ministers from his eyrie behind their backs. They will probably find his frontal attacks less disconcerting.

While Lord HENRY was in the House, off and on, for thirty-four years before discovering that he was on the wrong side, Mr. MOSLEY has made the same discovery after an experience of barely as many weeks. From his new perch he inquired this afternoon if Government cement was being sent abroad, to the detriment of British builders. Dr. ADDISON contented himself with professing ignorance of any such transaction. A less serious Minister might have replied that the Government needed all their cement to mend the cracks in the Coalition.

News that the coal-strike was over reached the House during the evening. Mr. BRIDGEMAN, always cautious, "understood" that the men had been "recommended" to go back to work. Mr. ADAMSON, fresh from the Conference, was much more downright. "The strike," he said, "has been declared off, and the men return to work." So that's that.

_Thursday, November 4th._--Lord SALISBURY'S complaint that the Government's policy in Egypt was shrouded in more than Egyptian darkness brought a spirited reply from Lord CURZON, who declared that every stage in the negotiations had been fully revealed in the Press. If no definite decision as to the future government of the country had been published that was simply because the Cabinet had not yet had time to make up its collective mind. Judging by Lord MILNER'S subsequent account of his Mission, it would appear that the process will be long and stormy. The Mission went to Cairo to sound the feeling of the Nationalists, but for all practical purposes they might as well have stopped in London, where they ultimately interviewed ZAGHLUL PASHA and his colleagues, and obtained information which materially altered and softened their previous views. The best Nationalists were not anti-British, but simply pro-Egyptian. Lord MILNER'S final appeal, that his piece should not be hissed off the stage before it had been heard, sounded a little ominous.

Mr. L'ESTRANGE MALONE is not very popular in the House of Commons just now. When he rose to address a "Supplementary" to the WAR MINISTER he was so persistently "boo-ed" that the SPEAKER had to intervene to secure him a hearing. Mr. LOWTHER probably repented his kindness when it appeared that Mr. MALONE had nothing more urgent to say than that Mr. CHURCHILL would be better employed in looking after the troops in Ireland than in reviewing books for _The Daily Mail_.

For the third day in succession Mr. T. P. O'CONNOR essayed to move the adjournment in order to call attention to what he called "the policy of frightfulness" in Ireland. This time the SPEAKER accepted the motion, but the ensuing debate was of the usual inconclusive kind. Mr. DEVLIN gave another exhibition of stage-fury. He objected to the word "reprisals" being used for the "infamies" going on in Ireland, declared that the Government were responsible for all the murders and prophesied that the present CHIEF SECRETARY, "with all his outward appearance of great masculinity," would fail, as BALFOUR and CROMWELL--the House enjoyed this concatenation--had failed before him.

In points of detail Sir HAMAR GREENWOOD conceded a little more to his critics than on some former occasions. He undertook to consider whether the Government should compensate the owners of creameries or other property wrongfully destroyed; and he admitted that some constables had exceeded their duty, nine of them being actually under arrest on various charges. But on the main point he was adamant. Quoting the remark of a police-sergeant at Tralee, "They have declared war upon us and I suppose war it must be," the CHIEF SECRETARY said in his most emphatic tones, "War it will be until assassination stops."

* * * * *

STUTTFIELD AND THE REDS.

Stuttfield was nothing of a NERO. He would never have fiddled while Rome burned. He would have been more likely to imagine that Rome was burning when there was really nothing more going on than a bonfire. He is one more example of the pernicious influence of sensational literature upon a nervous temperament.

It all began through Stuttfield finding a copy of _The Daily Blast_ in a railway carriage last June. This journal is printed on white paper, but the tendency of its contents is ruddy--that is to say, it has "Red" leanings. It was a revelation to Stuttfield.

"Are people _allowed_ to say such things?" he asked me in horror.

"My dear fellow, no one takes it seriously," I said. "Don't you worry."

But Stuttfield did worry. _The Daily Blast_ had the same effect upon him as a snake has upon a rabbit; it terrified him, yet he could not run away from it. In fact he became a regular subscriber and continued so despite some rumours that it was supported financially by the Rougetanians--rumours which required, and received, a great deal of explanation.

Then, through the offices of his man-servant, he obtained a copy of _The Volcano_.

_The Volcano_ appears to be in advance of _The Daily Blast_ in its ideals, and immensely so in their expression. But here again I assured Stuttfield that no one took them seriously. "I don't suppose they take themselves seriously," I assured him. "They want to sell _The Volcano_, that's all."

"Yes," said Stuttfield, "but they do sell it, and people read it."

"I expect the circulation's about two thousand a week," I said consolingly. But Stuttfield, as I could see, was not consoled.

I met him at intervals after that, and on each occasion he seemed to be more obsessed with the notion that the "Reds" would overwhelm us all shortly.

"Russia is Red," he whispered; he always whispers now for fear of being overheard by a Red agent, though there was not very much risk of that in St. James's Street. "And what about India and China?"

"Red, black and yellow--the Zingari colours," I said ribaldly, and Stuttfield left me in disgust.

Then I heard from a friend that he had sold his cottage at Redhill. This was a bad sign, and I went to see him. I found him much worse.

"You've taken an overdose of _The Volcano_," I said.

He seized my arm with trembling fingers.