Chapter 3

Mr. CHAMBERLAIN turned a more sympathetic ear to the bark of another sea-dog, Admiral ADAIR, who sought a reduction of the tax on champagne, and mentioned the horrifying fact that even City Companies were abandoning its consumption. He received the unexpected support of Lieutenant-Commander KENWORTHY, who declared that Yorkshire miners always had a bottle after their day's work and denounced an impost that would rob a poor man of his "boy." Eventually the CHANCELLOR agreed to reduce the new _ad valorem_ duty by a third. He might have made the same reduction in the case of cigars but for the declaration of a Labour Member that this was becoming "a rich man's Budget from top to bottom."

_Wednesday, July 7th._--Never was Lord Haldane's power of clear thinking employed to better advantage than in his lucid exposition of the Duplicands and Feu-duties (Scotland) Bill. I would not like to assert positively that all the Peers present fully grasped the momentous fact that a duplicand was a "casualty" and might be sometimes twice the feu-duty and sometimes three times that amount; but they understood enough to agree that it was a very fearful wild-fowl and ought to be restrained by law.

After this piquant _hors-d'oeuvre_ they settled down to a solid joint of national finance, laid before them by Lord MIDLETON. I am afraid they would have found it rather indigestible but for the sauce provided by Lord INCHCAPE, who was positively skittish in his comments upon the extravagance of the Government, and on one occasion even indulged in a pun. In his view the Ministry of Transport was an entirely superfluous creation, solely arising out of the supposed necessity of finding a new job for Sir ERIC GEDDES. I suppose the PRIME MINISTER said, "Here's a square peg, look you; let us dig a hole round it."

The LORD CHANCELLOR'S reply was vigorous but not altogether convincing. His description of the Government as a body of harassed and anxious economists did not altogether tally with his subsequent picture of the CHANCELLOR OF THE EXCHEQUER "always resisting proposals for expenditure made by his colleagues in the Cabinet." Despite his eloquence the Peers passed Lord MIDLETON'S motion by 95 votes to 23.

The Commons made good progress with the Finance Bill, though there was a good deal of justifiable criticism of its phraseology. The SECRETARY OF THE TREASURY admitted that there was one clause of which he did not understand a word, but wisely refused to specify it. Colonel WEDGWOOD advanced the remarkable proposition that "the workers in the long run pay all the taxes," but did not jump at Captain ELLIOTT'S suggestion that in that case it would save trouble if the CHANCELLOR were to levy all the taxes on the working classes direct. When asked to extend further relief to charities Mr. CHAMBERLAIN sought a definition of "charity." Would it apply, for example, to "the association of a small number of gentlemen in distress obeying the law of self-preservation in the face of world-forces which threaten to sweep them out of existence"? I seem to hear _Mr. Wilkins Micawber_ reply, "The answer is in the affirmative."

_Thursday, July 8th._--In the absence of the LORD CHANCELLOR the Gas Regulation Bill was entrusted to the UNDER-SECRETARY FOR AIR. The mingling of gas and air has before now been known to produce an explosion, but on this occasion Lord LONDONDERRY so deftly handled his material that not a single Peer objected to the Second Reading.

The proceedings in the Lower House were much more lively. Mr. STANTON threatened that there would be a general strike of Members of Parliament unless their salaries were increased; but Mr. BONAR LAW seemed to be more amused than alarmed at the prospect. The CHANCELLOR OF THE EXCHEQUER was asked point-blank whether he was satisfied with the reduction in the bureaucracy during the last six months, and replied that he was not, and had therefore appointed Committees to investigate the staffs in seven of the Departments. The number is unfortunately suggestive.

"If seven maids with seven mops Swept it for half a year, Do you suppose," the Walrus said, "That they could get it clear?"

And we know what the Carpenter replied.

If an unnecessary amount of heat was engendered by the debate on General DYER'S case the fault must be partly attributed to the INDIAN SECRETARY'S opening speech. "Come, Montagu, for thou art early up" is a line from one of the most poignant scenes in SHAKSPEARE; but early rising, at Westminster as elsewhere, is not always conducive to good temper.

Members who thought with Sir EDWARD CARSON that General DYER had not been fairly treated resented Mr. MONTAGU'S insinuation that in that case they were condoning "frightfulness." Mr. CHURCHILL was more judicious, and Mr. BONAR LAW did his level best to keep his followers in the Government Lobby. But Sir A. HUNTER-WESTON'S reminder that by the instructions issued by the civil authority to General DYER he was ordered "to use all force necessary. No gathering of persons nor procession of any sort will be allowed. All gatherings will be fired on," confirmed them in the view that the GENERAL was being made a scape-goat. No fewer than 129 voted against the Government, whose majority would have been very minute but for the assistance of its usual foes, the "Wee Frees" and Labourites.

* * * * *

"Keble's own future should be all the more secure in a University in which there is not only complete religious intolerance but complete religious equality."--_Local Paper._

Poor old Oxford! Still "the home of lost causes" apparently.

* * * * *

"Few stories of London origin are more familiar than that of the cabby who, regarding his day off as one of his indisputable rights, spent it each week in riding about the City with a fellow cabby in order to keep him company."--_Sunday Paper._

That's why they called him a busman and his holiday a busman's holiday.

* * * * *

"Do you remember the sad fate of a certain distinguished hostess who found herself at midnight left with only a few hogs and elderly men to entertain her pretty girl guests, and the sudden epidemic of rents that necessitated a rush to the cloakroom for mending."--_Evening Paper._

The ripping property of tusks is well known.

* * * * *

* * * * *

FAR-EASTERN ENGLISH.

A returning circumnavigator reports that the passengers on the boat--a Japanese liner--coming from Yokohama to Honolulu were apprised of the fact that they were to have two Thursdays, one immediately following the other (and you can have no notion how long a second Thursday can be), owing to the crossing of the imaginary but very boring line which divides the two hemispheres. The official notice came from the captain's own hand. The ship had an American purser and an American chief steward, and there were many English on board, but the gallant little commander preferred to tackle the linguistic problem unaided. On Wednesday, therefore, the board had this announcement pinned to it:--"As she will be crossed the meridian of 180 to-morrow, so to-morrow again." Could, after the first blow, anything be clearer?

Meanwhile from Siam come the glad tidings that the British residents in Bangkok are to have a new paper. That the editorial promises are rich the following extracts sufficiently prove:--

"The news of English we tell the latest, writ in perfect style and earliest. Do a murder get commit, we hear and tell of it. Do a mighty chief die, we publish it in borders of sombre. Staff has each one been college and writes like the Kipling and the Dickens. We circulate every town and extortionate not for advertisements. Buy it."

* * * * *

RATHER A TALL ORDER.

"FOR SALE.

Grey flannel suit made by English tailor in January last, unworn Rs. 50; chest 39, height 8ft. 5 inches."--_Indian Paper._

* * * * *

"Small (Elephant) Pram, as new, extending back, 6 gns."--_Local Paper._

Thanks; but we always take our elephant in the side-car.

* * * * *

"Samuel Johnson, who had pleaded guilty yesterday to stealing a wallet, was sentenced to three months' hard labour."--_Evening Paper._

When he comes out (if there is any truth in BOSWELL) he will make a pun.

* * * * *

VERS LIBRE.

There was an old man of Dunoon Who always ate soup with a fork; For he said, "As I eat Neither fish, fowl or flesh I should finish my dinner too quick."

* * * * *

"It is as well to note that during dry weather it is always advisable to pass the watering-can along the rows of plants in order to moisten the soil."--_Daily Paper._

This means, we think, "Water the garden."

* * * * *

"The City views with the gravest concern the existence of places like Didcot."--_Daily Paper._

There is reason to believe that Didcot entertains precisely similar feelings in regard to the City.

* * * * *

COMMERCIAL CANDOUR.

"For Lightweight Motor Cycles there is no alternative to the ---- MAGNETO. Maximum Weight. Minimum Performance."--_Trade Paper._

"Reason and instinct dictate the smoking of a cigarette that will give the minimum of pleasure at a moderate cost."--_Advt. in Evening Paper._

* * * * *

OUR PASTORAL.

"Hulloa, Melhuish," I said, "after all you had ideal weather for your _Midsummer Night's Dream_ yesterday."

"Ideal," said Melhuish moodily.

"Really, if you'd picked the day it couldn't have been better. You want peculiar atmospheric conditions for a pastoral, don't you? Just enough sun, not too much wind, temperature congenial for sitting out-of-doors. You had 'em all."

Melhuish nodded.

"Your garden must be looking like fairyland too now with the roses out and the trees in all their full summer greenery."

He nodded again.

"What a setting for the _Dream_! It drew a crowd, of course?"

"Yes, we drew the county."

I sighed regretfully. "How I wish I hadn't funked it, but with my lumbago I never dare risk damp grass and it looked so awfully like rain in the morning."

Melhuish suddenly got excited. "_Looked_ like rain!" he said violently. "It _did_ rain. It rained several drops. I never saw such drops, as big as saucers. Perhaps you didn't hear the thunder?"

"My dear bean," I said, "it was the thunder which put me off coming to see you as _Bottom_ and Mrs. Melhuish as _Titania_ in the most idyllic surroundings I can imagine."

"You wouldn't have seen us in any idyllic surroundings," said Melhuish. He had relapsed into moodiness again. I could see there was something serious.

"What happened, old friend?" I said gently.

"We began rehearsing during that glorious spell of sunshine in the spring, when the garden was a carpet of daffodils and it was a sheer joy to play about out-of-doors. Then the weather broke for a time and we migrated to the Parish Hall. You know our Parish Hall?"

"Quite well. A little tin place on the left from the rectory."

"That's it. It's got a platform on trestles at one end and a paraffin lamp in the middle. The Vicar placed it at our disposal when there wasn't a Women's Institute or a choir practice, and on chilly nights he had the 'Beatrice stove' lit for us. Then the Summer began in real earnest. We got in extra gardeners, worked like niggers ourselves, and when the turf was in perfect condition and the thyme was coming up on _Titania's_ bank we fixed the date and billed the county.

"After that we all got nervous and went about consulting weather forecasts. _Old Moore_ prophesied heavy rains. The _Daily Mail_ said a cyclone from New York was on the way. The weather-glasses jumped about and seemed to know their own minds even less than usual. Three days before the date thunderstorms were reported all over the country and a fowl was struck by lightning. But not a drop of rain came to our village.

"At the dress-rehearsal the night before the performance we debated the weather prospects until the moon rose. _Lysander_ said his bit of seaweed which he brought from Bognor was as dry as parched peas and he would back it against any fool barometer. Cocklewhite, our prompter, said he didn't want to depress the company, but he had a leech in a bottle of water which rose for fine weather and sank for wet, and he was bound to tell us it was like lead at the bottom at the present moment. _Hermia_ pointed to the heavens, 'Red sky at night shepherds' delight,' she quoted. There was no getting away from the swallows; they were nose-diving to a bird. 'Hang swallows,' _Oberon_ said; 'put your trust in mosquitoes. Look at my eyelid.'

"'It's no good talking,' _Theseus_ said; 'nobody can tell until the morning, and then it'll be up to _Bottom_ to decide by 11.30 whether it's to be indoors or out. He's our stage-manager and we know his arrangements in case of rain. They're the only arrangements possible in our little village, and it's going to be a nightmare instead of a dream if they have to be carried out. But we can depend upon _Bottom_ to make a wise decision. He'll notify us and the boy-scouts will notify the audience. All we've got to do is not to grouse.'

"Cocklewhite said he would phone me the position of his leech at 9 A.M., and _Lysander_ promised to report any change in the condition of the seaweed. I set our glass and _Titania_ and I got up at half-hour intervals during the night and tapped it. It refused to budge either way.

"At dawn _Titania_ looked out of the window and gave a wild cry. 'Red sky in the morning shepherds' warning,' she wailed. At breakfast Cocklewhite phoned that his leech was dead, and he had strong suspicions it had died from atmospheric pressure. Almost at the same moment _Lysander_ sent word that his seaweed had gone clammy during the night. Half-an-hour later came a clap of thunder and the drops of rain I mentioned. I needn't go on. You can guess the rest."

Melhuish paused.

"But the performance came off, didn't it?" I said.

"Yes, in the Parish Hall. It was a perfect day for a pastoral."

* * * * *

* * * * *

A CLEAN HITTER.

"J. ---- carried his bath through the innings."--_Scotch Paper._

* * * * *

"Fishing near the bridge on Monday a schoolboy caught a chub with artificial fly weighing 2lbs. 15ozs."--_Local Paper._

It is supposed that the unfortunate fish was struck on the head and stunned.

* * * * *

"After long delays a new Polish Cabinet has been formed under Mr. Grabski. He would annex much Russian territory outright."--_Weekly Paper._

_Pace_ SHAKSPEARE, there would seem to be something in a name.

* * * * *

"THAT QUEER FISH THE SALMON.

Some fish are 'takers,' some are not, but most salmon can be worried into talking."--_Daily Paper._

Whereas most fishermen chatter of their own accord.

* * * * *

* * * * *

HARDING AND COX.

(_Being an inquiry into the two Candidates for the Presidency of the United States of America._)

I wish I knew some facts regarding The private life of Mr. HARDING; I wish that I had simply stocks Of anecdotes of Mr. COX.

In U.S.A. (where both are resident And each one hoping to be President) Their favourite hymns, their size in boots, Their views on liquor and cheroots

Are known to all; not JULIUS CÆSAR Is quite so much renowned as these are. In England, where they do not dwell, No one appears to know them well.

One cannot say if COX'S liver Keeps well upon the Swanee River, Nor whether HARDING finds, when glum, Any relief in chewing gum.

It may be that they both have good rows Of dental ornaments like WOODROW'S, The waist of TAFT, the ROOSEVELT eye For pinking hippopotami.

It may be HARDING had some flickers Of CLEVELAND'S spirit whilst in knickers, And COX while yet a puling babe Dreamed tiny dreams of LINCOLN (ABE);

And both, although they knew they'd catch it, Cut fruit-trees with a little hatchet; Both may have been, when glorious youths, Too proud to fight or tell untruths.

I cannot say. I know they wrangle On points I dare not disentangle, That one of them's a Democrat And t' other's not. And that is that.

EVOE.

* * * * *

GEE!

On the upper floors of a shop in the Strand, between Wellington Street and the Savoy, is a well-known maker of fowling-pieces, who gave me a terrible start the other day; and probably not me alone, but many passers-by who chanced to look upwards at his windows. For he is at the moment advertising the most undesirable article in the world, a commodity for which I can conceive of no demand whatever. Yet there--the result of the caprice of adhesive cement or the desire of one letter of the alphabet to get level with its neighbour and be dropped too--the amazing notice is, in conspicuous white enamel:--

SECOND HAND UNS.

* * * * *

THE DOMESTIC PROBLEM SOLVED.

"A Lady wishes to meet with a gentleman or lady to share her home as sole paying guest; one with a hobby for gardening preferred; every home comfort; terms, £300 per annum."--_Sunday Paper._

We are desirous of entertaining, on the same terms, a lady (or gentleman) with a _penchant_ for cooking and washing-up.

* * * * *

"The Hindus and Mahomedans are the two eyes of India, but have long been engaged in a tug-of-war. On account of this cleavage both have suffered, but now the wall of separation is broken down, and they are coming together like sugar and milk, the bitter feelings between them having been pulled out like a thorn. They are advised to give up biting each other for the future."--_Indian Paper._

Or our contemporary will have exhausted its stock of metaphors.

* * * * *

A STORY ABOUT A CLOCK.

Our move-in took place in no furtive or clandestine fashion; our installation of ourselves in our semi-detached was performed well under the eye of the neighbouring public. Our furniture waited on the public thoroughfare until our new home was ready to receive it. Small children played games on our sofa; enthusiastic acquaintances played tunes on our piano. In a word, our move-in was a local festival; everyone took part. This is the sad tale of the man who took the most expensive part--the clock.

If the hard choice had been put to Diana, my wife, to say which she could least sorrowfully part with, me or the clock, the clock would have stayed. If I had been put to the same dismal alternative as to Diana or the clock, Diana would have gone. In fact, directly the clock was safely in Diana had gone out. That was all she cared about; small children might play on the sofa, enthusiastic acquaintances might play on the piano, and I might toil unremittingly with everything else, for all Diana cared. So, the clock being in, out she went upon her lawful or unlawful purposes. As she departed she said something about my seeing to the clock. I remembered that later on, but I remembered it wrong. This is how I did it.

The man sat a little on my own special chair (at that time on the pavement) before he came in. I asked him what he was sitting there for. He got up and came inside. Then I asked him what he had come in for, and he said, "The clock." I looked at the clock and it had stopped. I gave it a shake, and it still stopped. He said it was no good shaking it; that only annoyed it. He said he had come to look after it. He then took off his hat and his coat, moved the fingers about, put his ears to it to hear its heart beating, and asked me what I had been doing to it. I said I hadn't been doing anything to it; he watched me doing things to everything else, and adopted an expression as if to say he didn't believe me. He gave me the feeling that I was a very interfering person, and that he didn't want to have anything more to do with me. He said he should have to take the clock away. I asked him when he would bring it back. He said he didn't know. He appeared to take a pessimistic view of it. I asked him cheerfully if he would _ever_ bring it back. He gave me a contemptuous look and, without another word, went, taking the clock with him.

When Diana came back she asked where the clock was. I said it had gone. "Gone where?" asked Diana. I said I didn't know; the man had taken it. "What man?" asked Diana. I was trying to move the sofa at the moment and I was inclined to be short-spoken. I said that the man who had taken it was, no doubt, the man whom Diana had gone forth to find and bid take away our clock. Diana said that, if the man had said that she had said that he might take our clock away, the man was a liar. _Had_ the man said that she had said he might take the clock away? The answer was in the negative.

Then the truth emerged. The man had stolen our clock. I had assisted the man to steal our clock, helping him to lift it off its perch and handing him his bowler hat as he left.

It all sounds incredible, doesn't it? But you will admit, I am sure, that it is a thing which could quite easily happen to anyone. Isn't it?

To be quite frank, I have improved the story a bit. The clock wasn't really stolen.

Was the man really taking it away to repair it? No; to tell you the truth he didn't actually take it away at all. In fact, I might as well own that no man ever came into the house while I was shifting the furniture in from the street. And, if you want to know, I never had a clock ... nor a wife ... nor a house.

The mere fact of my pretending that there _are_ such things as semi- detacheds for people to move into these days ought to have put you wise from the start that the whole tale was a fabrication.

* * * * *

CURES WORTH MAKING.

(_By our Medical Expert._)

_The Times_, in its daily summary of "News in Advertisements" recently called attention to the appeal of an invalided officer who "will be glad to give a hundred pounds to any doctor, nerve specialist or hospital that can cure him of occupation neurosis and writer's cramp." A careful study of other newspapers shows that offers of handsome remuneration for cures are not confined to those who have suffered from the War, but are made by civilians and officials of the highest position in public life. We append a few outstanding examples of the splendid opportunities now provided to psycho-pathological specialists:--

A Cabinet Minister of massive physique, perfect self-confidence and immovable determination, who has had varied experience in different business callings and (up to a certain point) unvarying success, offers five thousand pounds to any professor of deportment or member of the Old Nobility in reduced circumstances who will impart to him suavity of manner, tact and diplomatic courtesy, the lack of which constitutes the sole obstacle to his achieving immortality. If the instructor can succeed in making him (the Cabinet Minister) really beloved the honorarium will be doubled.