Chapter 2

I have made other valuable suggestions. I have suggested putting an anthracite stove in their sitting-room, and papering the walls with illustrations representing various methods of mass production, ordinary methods having failed. I notice that cabbages are suspended by a string across the top of the parade-ground in order that the birds may obtain exercise by springing at them. The cabbages are eaten, but I do not believe that the birds jump. I believe that they clamber up the wire with their claws, walk along the tight-rope and bite the cabbage off with their teeth.

Sometimes, as I think I have mentioned, the one with speckles escapes into the garden, and I have several times been asked to chase it home. Nothing makes one look more ridiculous than chasing an independent maybird of no particular views across an onion bed. The rest of the animals appear to spend most of their time in walking about the run with their hands in their pockets looking for things on the ground.

But every now and then one or other of them makes the loud cry which is usually associated with successful egg-production; the whole household troops beaming with anticipation along the gravel-path; and it is then discovered that the Buff has knocked one of the Whites off her perch, or that one of the Whites has scratched a cinder on which the Buff had set her eye, or that the Independent member has made a bitter speech which is deeply resented by the Coalition. But there are no eggs.

About a week ago the corn which apparently forms a part of the necessary nourishment of maybirds, and is kept in an outhouse, was attacked by rats. I was told that I must do something about this. I buttered some slices of bread with arsenic and laid them down on the outhouse floor. The rats ate the bread and arsenic and went on with the corn. Unless a great improvement is manifested in the New Year I have decided to butter the maybirds with arsenic and place them in the outhouse too.

EVOE.

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CYCLONE IN THE CHANNEL ISLANDS.

"Meteorological Notes.

Harbour Office, Jersey. Wind - E.W.E. - Strong Breeze."

_Jersey Paper._

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"To get away, the man must have jumped from a height of about ten feet to the ground, then across a garden, and over a wall about eight feet high into a laneway."--_Irish Paper._

Some "lep," as they say in Ireland.

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"In the House of Lords on Saturday, the expiring Lords Continuance Bill [was] read a third time and passed."--_Provincial Paper._

Trust the Peers for looking after themselves.

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* * * * *

LETTERS I NEVER POSTED.

CONCERNING GOOD RESOLUTIONS.

TO THE GIRL AT THE EXCHANGE.

The New Year is upon us and with it comes the determination to mend our bad habits and make serious efforts to turn over a new leaf. Perhaps you have already thought of this and have made some good resolutions; perhaps, on the other hand, you cannot think of anything amiss that needs correcting. In this case will you let me help you_?_ In every other respect you may be perfection, but as an exchange operator, which is the only capacity in which (alas!) I know you, you are often lacking. I have no doubt that you are charming in private life and that we should get on famously if we met at dinner; but you have an irritating way of giving me the wrong number, which I do most cordially hope you will lose during 1921. When I protest, you merely say you are sorry, but what I suggest is that an ounce of careful listening at first is worth tons of sorrow later. Kingston doesn't really sound a bit like Brixton, and yet yesterday, when I asked for a Kingston number, you put me at once on to the same number in the other suburb. Constantly when I say I want 2365 you give me 2356. To give you your due you are always, I will admit, sorry; but....

Another thing. Sometimes, when you ring me up and I answer, all you do is to ask, "Number, please," as though I had rung you. (It is then that I feel most that I should like to wring you.) When I reply, "But you rang me," you revert to your prevailing regretful melancholy and say, "Sorry you were troubled," and before I can go deeply into the question and discover how these things occur you ring off. Can't you make an effort during 1921 not to do this? Let it be a year of gladness.

Sometimes I am perfectly certain you don't ring up the number I want until after you have asked me once or twice if they have answered. Isn't that so? "I'll ring them again," you say with a kind of resigned adventurousness; but, knowing as I do that they have been waiting for my call, I am not taken in. But what I want to know is--what were you doing instead of ringing up at first? I suppose that these secrets will never be penetrated by the ordinary subscriber outside the sacred precincts; but I wish you would give me fewer of such problems to ponder during the year that is coming.

P.S.--Have you ever considered, with proper alarm, what would happen to a cinema story if a wrong number were provided by the operator, or if any delay whatever occurred? This should make you think.

TO A RACING JOURNALIST.

I suggest that you should include among your good resolutions for the New Year the decision not to allow your readers to participate in your special information as to which horse will come in first. Tell them all you like about yesterday's sport, but dangle no more "security tips" before their diminishing purses. If they must bet--which of course they must, as betting is now the principal national industry--let them at least have the fun of selecting the "also-ran" themselves.

TO MANY AN EDITOR.

In contemplating your 1921 programme of regeneration could you not make a vow to dispense with all headlines that ask questions? Probably you never see the paper yourself and therefore have no feeling in the matter, but I can assure you that the habit can become very wearisome. "Will it freeze to-day?" "Can Beckett win?" "Will Hobbs reach his 3,000 runs?" "Are the Lords going to pass the Bill?" Won't you make an effort to do without this formula? It is futile in itself and has the unfortunate effect of raising what surely are undesirable doubts as to whether journalists are any more sensible than their readers.

TO ONE EDITOR IN PARTICULAR.

No comic hats in 1921, please.

TO THE P.M.G.

There is, as everyone (except possibly Mr. AUSTEN CHAMBERLAIN and the cynic who professes to hate letters so much that he wishes that they cost a shilling a-piece to send) will agree, one good resolution which above all others you should concentrate upon for 1921, and that is to get back our penny postage. With so many comparatively unnecessary things still untaxed, it never should have been sacrificed.

TO A PORK BUTCHER.

Among the problems of this latter day of discontents few are more pressing than speculating as to why sausages and pork-pies have so degenerated. Under the malign influence of Peace, sausages have become tasteless and pork-pies nothing but pies with pork in them; the crust chiefly plaster-of-Paris, and the meat not an essential element, soft and seductive and fused with the pastry, but an alien assortment of half-cooked cubes. I can understand that after a great war a certain deterioration must set in, but I fail to see why sausages and pork-pies, if made at all, should not be made as well as ever, especially as you get such a long price for them. Couldn't you--wouldn't you--try in 1921 to make them with some at least of the old care?

TO A CABINET MINISTER.

Might not a vow against writing for the papers be rather a nice one to observe during 1921? It is quite on the cards that one's duties to the State (not too inadequately paid for) ought to be sufficiently exacting to preclude journalism at all. There's a question of dignity too, although I hesitate to drag that in.

TO THE CHIEF OF THE POLICE.

Couldn't you (I hope I am addressing the right gentleman) arrange that before 1921 becomes 1922--twelve whole months--a simple device is made for taxis by which a square of red glass can be slipped over one of the lamps at night to indicate that the cab is free? I'm sure it wouldn't really be difficult, and the comfort of London would be enormously increased.

TO A TAXI-DRIVER.

You will perhaps note what I have just said to the Chief of the Police. If you had any interest in your work you would, of course, long since have fixed up something of the kind for yourself. But let that pass. All I am suggesting to you as a 1921 amendment is that you should bank in a more accessible part of your clothing. Waiting for change in this weather (especially with the flag still down) can be an exasperating experience. Won't you make a resolution during the coming year to keep your money nearer the surface?

E. V. L.

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* * * * *

HOW TO DEAL WITH WINDBAGS.

"The address was punctured throughout with cheers."--_West Indian Paper._

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"There would be a grand dinner and music, and splendidly-dressed ladies to look at, and things to eat that strangely twisted the girls' paws when they tried to tell about them," _Weekly Paper._

Mem.--Never try to talk the deaf-and-dumb language after dinner.

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* * * * *

THE BARKER THAT MISSED FIRE.

On hearing a shuffle of feet in the porch and the clearing of little throats, I exclaimed, "Those carols again!" If between "those" and "carols" I inserted another word, I withdraw it.

I went into the hall and barked like a dog.

I have often said that, if anyone could earn a hundred pounds a week on the stage by barking like a dog, I could. Children like to come to my house to tea merely for the thrill of listening to my imitation. I used to flatter myself that I could bark like a dog even better than NELSON KEYS can imitate GERALD DU MAURIER.

I hardly gave the carol-singers time even to mention Royal David's city before I barked. Instantly one pair of little feet scuttled away towards the gate; then a voice called, "Don't be silly, Alfy; come on back."

Two small girls stood at the front-door as I opened it. One of them smiled up at me and said, "He thinks he's going to be bit." She appeared to be amused by the idea. Down by the gate was a small muffled figure carrying a Chinese lantern. "Come on back, Alfy," she called again, "and let's sing to the gentleman. You see," she explained to me in confidence, "he's got addleoids and can't sing loud, so we let him hold the lantern."

I was beginning to feel sorry that I had played a trick on such inoffensive children and was about to assure them that my savage bull-terrier was safely locked up in the kitchen when the brave little lass began chattering again.

"My dad keeps dogs--all sorts," she told me, "and sells them to gentlemen. So I'm used to dogs." Then she turned once more to the lantern-bearer and commanded, "Now come on and sing, Alfy. It ain't a dog at all; it's only the gentleman trying to make a noise like one."

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"Rod Iron Red Mail Bird, year old; good breed; 16s."--_Provincial Paper._

We fancy it must be an armour-clad rooster of this species that, crossed with a Plymouth Rock, was responsible for the reinforced-concrete chicken that we met at dinner the other night.

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"When once the exchanges of the world have righted themselves--and that is bound to come about sooner or later--then will follow such a reaction in the trade of the country that will exceed the expectations of the most sanguinary optimist."--_Trade Paper._

We think this must be intended as a hit at TROTSKY.

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NEW RHYMES FOR OLD CHILDREN.

THE OYSTER.

The oyster takes no exercise; I don't believe she really tries; And since she has no legs I don't see why she should, do you? Besides, she has a lot to do-- She lays a million eggs. At any rate she doesn't stir; Her food is always brought to her.

But sometimes through her open lips A horrid little creature slips Which simply will not go; And that annoys the poor old girl; It means she has to make a pearl-- It _irritates_, you know; So, crooning some small requiem, She turns the thing into a gem.

And when I meet the wives of Earls With lovely necklaces of pearls It makes me see quite red; For every jewel on the chain Some patient oyster had a pain And had to stay in bed. To think what millions men can make Out of an oyster's tummy-ache!

A. P. H.

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"AT ---- HALL, ST. JOHN'S WOOD, TUES., BY AUCTION, STOCK OF A FURRIER.--CATS. FREE." _ADVT. IN DAILY PAPER._

A CASE OF ADDING INSULT TO INJURY.

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ESSENCE OF PARLIAMENT.

_Monday, December 20th._--As the result of being tossed backwards and forwards between the two Houses the Government of Ireland Bill had already lost most of its awkward corners. The last two were rounded off to-day, when the Government secured that Southern Ireland should have three years, instead of two, in which to make up her mind whether to accept or refuse the proffered Parliament, and that in the meantime only a joint resolution of both Houses should prevent the Act from coming into operation. Lord MIDLETON pressed hard for a retention of the Lords' veto, but was thrown overboard by Lord CREWE, who was greatly impressed by the LORD CHANCELLOR'S reminder that within three years there must be a General Election.

In the Commons Sir ROBERT HORNE performed his customary Monday dance among the fiscal egg-shells. He declined to give an estimate as to the number of British workmen unemployed owing to the importation of German goods--"no man who breathes could do it"--and judiciously evaded acceptance of Sir FREDERICK HALL'S suggestion that one reason why Teuton manufacturers were snapping up Dominion contracts was that their employés worked eleven hours a day.

The close of one of the longest and weariest sessions on record finds the Government in a penitent mood. How long will it last? The PRIME MINISTER told one of his supporters that he hoped next year's programme would be less exacting, and immediately promised another measure dealing with dumping and exchange; and when Sir F. BANBURY helpfully suggested that the surest way to avoid an Autumn Session would be to introduce fewer Bills Mr. BONAR LAW turned on him with the retort that "a surer way would be to introduce none."

An amusing duel between well-matched opponents took place over liquor control. Mr. MACQUISTEN, whose voice, at once insinuating and penetrative, has been likened to a corkscrew, urged that the _bonâ-fide_ frequenters of public-houses should be consulted in the settlement of the drink regulations. The present arrangement, in his view, was like entrusting the regulation of the Churches to avowed atheists. Lady ASTOR made full use of her shrill treble in retorting that it was the "victims"--by which apparently she meant the wives of Mr. MACQUISTEN'S _protégés_--who ought to have the last word. She herself had it in the series of incredulous "Oh's!"--uttered _crescendo_ on a rising scale and accompanied by appropriate gesture--with which she received Mr. MACQUISTEN'S confident assertion that the working-men's clubs are the enemies of "the Trade."

Supplementary Estimates produced a good deal of miscellaneous information. On the Vote for Road Transport Colonel MILDMAY attacked the system of tar-spraying and told a melancholy story of a cow that skidded with fatal results. He was backed up by Sir F. BANBURY, who said that he had found the ideal pavement in soft wood and awakened memories of an ancient jest by suggesting that something might be done if he and the MINISTER OF TRANSPORT were to put their heads together.

_Tuesday, December 21st._--Sir WILLIAM DAVISON thundered against the Home Office for not taking steps to prevent the desecration of the Nelson Column by the delivery of seditious speeches. Sir JOHN BAIRD explained that it was impossible to know beforehand what sort of speech was going to be delivered. But his critic would have none of this paltry excuse. "Did not the regulations provide," he boomed, "that the objects of the meetings must be specified?" Fortunately for the Minister, who had nearly been blown off the Treasury Bench, Mr. HOGGE came to the rescue. "Is it not a fact," he inquired, "that the monument was erected to a man who turned a blind eye to orders?"

The strange case of Lord ROTHERMERE and the Committee on Public Accounts was further investigated. The Committee had reported that a certain stationery contract for the Air Ministry had been extravagant and improper. The AIR MINISTER at the time was the noble Lord who has lately been so eloquent about "squander-mania," but he has since, in a letter to the Press, declared that he never signed or initialled the order. Lieut.-Colonel ARCHER-SHEE and Mr. ORMSBY-GORE sought the opinion of the Treasury on the transaction, and Mr. BALDWIN replied that it was certainly usual for a Minister to be held responsible for his expenditure, and that if subordinate officials were thrown over by their chiefs it would be bad for the Service.

The Lords' amendments to the Commons' amendments to the Lords' amendments to the Government of Ireland Bill were agreed to. Sir L. WORTHINGTON-EVANS thought to improve the occasion by a neat little speech expressing goodwill to Ireland, and, much to his surprise, found himself in collision with the SPEAKER, who observed that this was not the time for First Reading speeches.

It was rather hard on Lord PEEL, as the grandson of the great Sir ROBERT, to have to sponsor the Dyestuffs Bill. He frankly described it as "a disagreeable pill." Lord EMMOTT and other Peers showed a strong disinclination to take their medicine, but Lord MOULTON said that the chemists--naturally enough--were all in favour of it, and persuaded the House to swallow the bolus.

In the course of an eleventh-hour effort to destroy the Agriculture Bill Lord LINCOLNSHIRE described the PRIME MINISTER'S Christmas motto as _Tax Vobiscum_; and the success of his jape served as a partial solace for the defeat of his motion.

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A WARNING FROM THE SKY.

[The latest form of mascot is a trinket-model of the sign of the zodiac under which one was born.]

'Twas Caution bade me: "Think a while; Calm thought may prove your saviour; You've only seen her gala style And very best behaviour; What though her form's divinely planned And rightly you adore it, Her character's an unknown land, You'd better first explore it."

But such exploring baffled me-- She had, to my vexation, No younger brother I could fee For stable information-- Until at last I noted (worn Mid baubles weird and various) A mascot which announced her born Beneath the sign Aquarius.

An ancient tome declared how this Implied that, though a beauty, The girl was careless, slack, remiss And negligent of duty; I stilled in time my cardiac stir And ceased my adoration, Thanking my lucky stars and her Explicit constellation.

* * * * *

AT THE PLAY.

"PETER PAN."

_Peter Pan_, the play, must by now have long overtaken the age of _Peter Pan_, the boy; but, like him, it never grows any older. The cast may change, but that seems to make hardly any difference. The new _Peter_ (Miss EDNA BEST) is as good as any of them. Graceful of shape and lithe of limb, he is still essentially a boy, the realised figure of BARRIE'S fancy; a little aloof and inscrutable; romantic, too, in his very detachment from the sentiment of romance that he provokes. Miss FREDA GODFREY, the new _Wendy_, would have seemed good if we had not known better ones. To be frank, she looked rather too mature for the part; she needed a more childlike air to give piquancy to her assumption of maternal responsibilities. It was pleasant to see Mr. HENRY AINLEY unbend to the task, simple for him, of playing _Captain Hook_ and _Mr. Darling_. One admired his self-control in refusing to impose new subtleties upon established and sacred tradition.

Of familiar friends, age has not withered the compelling charms of Mr. SHELTON'S _Smee_, nor, in the person of Mr. CLEAVE, has custom staled the infinite futility of _Slightly_. I was glad, too, to find Miss SYBIL CARLISLE back in the part of _Mrs. Darling_, which she played most appealingly.

The lagoon scene was cut out this year; perhaps it was thought that there is enough lagoon in London just now. I could more willingly have spared the business of _Mr. Darling_ and the kennel, the one blot in the play. My impression of this grotesquerie has not changed since I first saw _Peter Pan_.

Among new impressions was a feeling that the domestic details of the First Act are a little too leisurely, so that I appreciated the impatience of my little neighbour for the arrival of _Peter Pan_, whose acquaintance she had still to make. Also from the presence of children in my party I became conscious how much of the humour of the play--its burlesque, for example, of the stage villain--is only seizable by children who have grown up. BARRIE wrote it, of course, to please the eternal child in himself, but forgot now and then what an unusual child it was.

O. S.

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On Wednesday, January 5th, 1921, at 3.30 and 8 P.M., in the Hall of the Inner Temple, the "Time and Talents" Guild will give a series of "Action Tableaux," dramatised by Miss WILSON-FOX, in illustration of the history of Southwark and Old Bermondsey from Saxon times to the present day. There will be singing, in character, by the Stock Exchange Choir. The profits will go in aid of the Settlement in Bermondsey, which has been carried on for twenty-one years among the factory girls by members of "Time and Talents," and to-day includes a Hostel, Clubs, a Country Holiday Fund and a cottage in the country. Applications for tickets may be made to Miss WILSON-FOX, 17, De Vere Gardens, Kensington, W. 8.

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THE GREAT RESOLVE.