Chapter 2

In Nurseries, Weight-for-age races and so on I make it a rule to give only one selection, but in a struggle of this importance I expect to receive a little more latitude. Of these, then, I take Mayana and Periwig to beat the field. At the same time I feel strongly that Wise Uncle's form at Kempton was not correct, and that he will nearly win, if he can beat Beatus, who seems to be let in nicely at 7 st. All the above will be triers, but it is doubtful whether any amount of trying will enable them to beat Avignon, whose chances I am content to support. I conclude by wishing my readers a good time over this race.

* * * * *

=NEW RHYMES FOR OLD CHILDREN.=

THE WORM.

The worms, the worms, the wriggly worms, They keep on eating earth, And always in the grossest terms Complain about their birth; They have no eyes, they have no eyes, They cannot read a book; I wonder if they realise What dreadful things they look.

The trowel cuts them quite in half, It is a bitter cup; They give a sour sardonic laugh And sew the pieces up; They sew them up and wind away With seeming unconcern, But oh, be careful! one fine day I hear the worm will turn.

And though I don't know what it means, I know what reptiles are; They love to make unpleasant scenes When people go too far; However calm he seems to be When only cut in two, If you go cutting him in three I don't know _what_ he'd do!

A. P. H.

* * * * *

=Effect of the Greek Imbroglio.=

"Asked why _The Daily Mail_ had been asked to send a representative, Mr. MacSweeney stated that Mr. MacCormack had cancelled an agreement with his agent, which meant the cancellatino of a number of provincial engagements."--_Daily Paper._

* * * * *

"AUTOBIOGRAPHY OF } MARGOT ASQUITH. } POLY. PRICE 25/-

With 43 Illustrations.

A NOAH'S ARK

With a real educational interest. Education without effort. Containing 25 animals, all perfectly drawn."--_Advt. in Glasgow Paper._

Not at all a bad description.

* * * * *

"The Oxford University forwards created a very favourable impression against Major Stanley's XV. at Oxford yesterday, and were not to blame for the defeat of the University by 2 placed girls...."--_Daily Paper._

Here's to the maidens of STANLEY'S XV.!

* * * * * [Illustration: =THE HANDY LITTLE CAR.=]

* * * * * THE PLACE OF THE TROMBONE IN THE BAND.

When I speak of the place of the trombone in the band I am not referring to his site or locality. That is for the conductor to settle. My purpose is to give an intelligent reply to the oft-quoted query, "Why the trombone?"

Everybody knows that it is not in the band for musical purposes. It is not a musical instrument. The man who could extract music from a trombone could get grapes out of a coal-mine.

No, its _raison d'être_ is mostly critical and punitive. It is there to see that the orchestra does its job and to put the fear of a hectic hereafter into the man who is out of step with his fellow-conspirators.

The uninformed have a vague idea that the conductor should do that with his little stick. But I put it to you, what use would a little stick be against a man like the big drum? A meat-axe would have some point, but the difficulties of conducting with a meat-axe will be obvious to even the least musical.

When the French horn, in the throes of a liver attack, sees supplementary spots on the score and plays them with abandon, or when the clarionet (or clarinet), having inadvertently sucked down a fly which in an adventurous mood has strolled into one of those little holes in the instrument, coughs himself half out of his evening clothes, does the conductor forsake his air of austerity and use language unbefitting a solemn occasion? Does he pick up his music-stand and hurl it at the offender? He does not. It would be a breach of etiquette.

He simply signals to the trombone, who promptly turns the exit part of his instrument on the culprit and gives a bray that makes the unfortunate man's shirt-front crumple up like a concertina. That is discipline.

Then again the trombone is employed as a sort of brake when in a moment of excitement the rest of the orchestra has a tendency to overdo things.

For example, all will remember the throbbing moment at the end of the drama, where the hero and heroine, murmuring "At last!" fall into each other's arms and move slowly off the stage whilst the band starts up MENDELSSOHN'S or GLÜCKSTEIN'S "Wedding March." The effect on an orchestra is immediate and immense. Somewhere behind each of these stiff shirt-fronts beats a heart that thrills at every suggestion of romance. It is well known that, when at intervals during a performance they retire through the man-hole under the stage, it is to imbibe another chapter of ETHEL M. DELL or of "Harried Hannah, the Bloomsbury Bride." And so the lingering embrace of the lovers sets them tingling and they tackle the "Wedding March" at the double. The clarionet (or clarinet) wipes the tears from his eyes and puts a sob in his rendering; the cornet unswallows his mouthpiece and, getting his under-jaw well jutted out, decides to put a jerk in it; the piccolo pickles with furious enthusiasm; the 'cello puts his instrument in top-gear with his left hand and saws away violently with the other; the triangle, who has fallen perhaps into a Euclidian dream, sits up and gets a move on; the stevedore--no, no, that is the next chapter--the oboe, the French horn, the kettledrum, the euphonium, the proscenium, the timbrel, the hautboy, the sackbut-and-ashes--all get a grip of the ground with both feet and let her go.

They try to depict golden lands of radiant sunshine, where beautiful couples stroll hand-in-hand for ever and the voice of the turtle replaces that of the raucous vendor of the racing edition.

If they were allowed to have their way the effect on the unmarried portion of the audience would be to send them rushing out of the theatres and dragging registrars out of a sick-bed in order to perform the marriage ceremony there and then.

But the trombone introduces the hard practical note, the necessary corrective. His monotonous grunt is used to remind the audience of marriage as it is lived in real life, of the girl at breakfast in unmarcelled hair, of the man dropping cigarette-ash on the best carpet, of double income-tax, of her family, of his, of her bills for frocks, of his wandering off to golf or the club, and a host of other incidentals.

A reaction takes place among the audience. Men who had been a moment before estimating the price of a diamond-ring turn their thoughts to two-stroke motor-bicycles, and girls decide that love in a cottage is an overrated pastime--especially when you can't get the cottage--and decide to wait a few years till a house or two has been built.

That is the chief function of the trombone--to pursue those who are wandering in the clouds and bring them to earth with a crash.

* * * * *

* * * * *

=The Triumphs of Art.=

"WOMAN SCULPTOR IN THE KREMLIN. BOLSHEVIST BUSTS."

_"Times" headlines._

* * * * *

"Rhodes bowled Ryder for a duck, and off his very next ball he got Moyes smartly stumped by Dolphin at point."

_Irish Paper._

DOLPHIN must have acquired "the long arm of coincidence."

* * * * *

"LETTS CLASH WITH POLES."

_Japan Gazette._

No, don't let's.

* * * * *

"Autumn made a lightning spring into winter yesterday."--_Daily Paper._

England's seasons seem to be getting hopelessly intermingled.

* * * * *

"---- Htl.--S. asp. Magnificently equipped."--_Daily Paper._

Patronized by the late QUEEN CLEOPATRA.

* * * * *

"TO LET, Furnished Bedroom, beard optional, terms moderate."--_Local Paper._

Would suit almost any young shaver.

* * * * *

"A telephone call office has been opened at Mumps Post Office."--_Official notice._

SUBSCRIBER.--Can you give me Mumps?

OPERATOR.--No, but I have got a bad cold if that is any use to you.

* * * * * [Illustration: "WELL, AND WHAT BRINGS YOU HERE AGAIN?"

"FORCE OF 'ABIT."]

* * * * *

MY WEATHER-GUIDE.

I was admiring Cripstock's barometer.

"Take it," he said.

"My dear Cripstock!" I exclaimed, as I pulled it from the wall.

"My dear fellow!" he replied, in tones more of gratitude than of generosity.

I have fastened it in my hall at the regulation distance from the hat-rack and between the assegais. It will be nice company for the dinner-gong, which it faces. I purposely did not place them side by side, for fear of any error in tapping.

These delicate contrivances do not readily settle down in a new home, and for a week I ignored the barometer. This may have seemed unfriendly to a newcomer, yet surely it was kind not to observe any faults it might display during its novitiate. When on the Saturday morning I scrutinised it for the first time I saw it pointed to "Stormy." I hastened over breakfast in order to get into the garden in time to fix up the starboard fence. After working feverishly for three hours, glancing at the sky at frequent intervals, I heard the "All clear" signalled from a back window, the needle having swung round to "Set Fair."

There it remained for several days, a marvel of accuracy. My poor umbrella began to wear a look of neglect, but my walking-stick was jubilant. "Set Fair" it was again on the Friday, and again I set out with my happy malacca.

On my return wet through I had another proof of the excellence of my faithful aneroid. Its needle pointed imperatively to "Change." This, in fact, I had already decided to do, but to a less careful man the instruction must have been of inestimable advantage.

* * * * *

OUR "PROMISED" LAND.

(_An "explanation" of another of the PREMIER'S election "promises."_)

My emotion I well can remember O'er a "promise" that somewhere I'd seen One night, away back in December Anno Domini 1918. Happy tears in my orbs began wellin' As I read how the England-to-be Would become a fit messuage to dwell in For heroes like me.

Refreshed by an access of ardour I returned to my business in town; But, as life seemed each day to grow harder, I despaired of its joy and its crown; Till, fed up with a "tale" for poor Tommies, My temper I finally lost, And pronounced that oracular "promise" A palpable frost.

But I've tumbled at last to my error; For, although I am far from content, I know that this era of terror Is just what the Government meant; When through England so bell-like and clear rose That eager, that passionate vow; Since none but a race of real heroes Can live in it now.

* * * * *

=Commercial Candour.=

"SITUATIONS WANTED. Housemaid, unscrupulously clean."

_Melbourne Argus._

* * * * *

"Mr. Arthur Henderson, M.P., has added 2-1/2 stones to his stature since he left the nursing home in Leeds."--_Daily Mail._

And three cubits to his weight.

* * * * * [Illustration: MORE HINTS TO SOCIAL CLIMBERS: HOW TO ATTRACT NOTICE.]

* * * * *

THE BROWN LADY.

We were talking of the sex, the dark and the fair, and "Give me," he said, "a brunette every time. But how seldom one meets them now!"

I expressed surprise at this.

"Yes," he said, "it is so. Plenty of women with dark hair, but not dark skins. The true brunette is very rare."

"I know one," I said; "probably the most perfect brunette in London."

"Young?" he asked.

"Yes," I said.

"Could I--would you take me to see her?" he asked.

"Certainly," I said.

"When?" he asked.

"Now," I said; "this afternoon. But we must hurry. Her servants have orders not to let anyone in after four."

"You're sure she won't mind?" he asked.

"Absolutely," I said. "My friends are hers. I've introduced lots of people to her and she's delighted."

He smiled blissfully.

Having obtained a taxi I gave an address in Regent's Park, but told the driver to stop at a shop on the way "She loves sweets," I explained.

"They all do," he replied, with the sententiousness of gallantry, as though speaking from abysmal depths of knowledge.

"Yes, but she has a more catholic taste than most," I said. "She's the only brunette--or, if it comes to that, the only blonde--I ever knew with a weakness for--well, I'll make you guess."

"Preserved ginger?" he suggested.

"No," I said.

"American pop-corn?"

"Not that I know," I said.

"Tell me," he replied.

"Condensed milk," I said.

"Good Heavens!" he exclaimed. "Condensed milk? That's the oddest thing I've ever heard."

"That's what I'm getting," I said; "and it won't injure your chances with her if you take her a pot of honey."

"But I don't know her," he submitted.

"It doesn't matter," I said; "she's the most unconventional creature in the world--just a child of nature."

"Delicious!" he murmured.

"She's a Canadian, you see," I added.

"Oh, a Canadian," he replied, as though that explained everything. "And, by the way, what's her name?"

"She lets me call her Winnie," I said.

"And what do I call her?" he asked.

"Well," I said, "if I were you I'd call her Winnie too. She'd love it."

"This is extraordinarily interesting," he replied. "But you know I'm far too shy to do a thing like that."

When, however, the time came and we were shown into Winnie's drawing-room in Mappin Terrace and the most adorable brown bear in captivity came lumbering towards us, he called her Winnie as naturally as her keeper does or any of the Canadian soldiers whose mascot she was, and he held the honey-pot for her until her tongue had extracted every drop. She then clawed at his pocket for more.

"I told you she'd like you," I said.

"Isn't she a pet? And a brunette all right? I didn't deceive you."

"She's perfect," he said. "Absolutely _the_ Queen of She-Bears."

And so say all good Zoologicians.

E. V. L.

* * * * * [Illustration: =A GERMAN INVASION.=

HERR NOAH (_to Frau Noah_). "HERE WE ARE AGAIN--JUST AS IF NOTHING HAD HAPPENED!"]

* * * * *

=ESSENCE OF PARLIAMENT.=

_Monday, November 22nd._--Fortunately or unfortunately, according to one's point of view, this deponent was not a spectator of the fight in the House of Commons this afternoon, having been himself previously knocked out by a catarrhal microbe possessing, as the sporting journals say, "a remarkable punch." He therefore gives the fracas an honourable miss.

The Tariff Reformers were horrified to hear from Sir ROBERT HORNE that nearly four hundred thousand pounds' worth of clocks had been imported from Germany this year. They were quite under the impression that when we wound up the Watch on the Rhine clocks were included.

They were still more surprised to learn that without further legislation it is impossible for British parents, when purchasing toys for their children, to be sure that they are not the productions of our late enemies. It would appear that the famous label, "Made in Germany," which did so much to advertise the products of the Fatherland before the War, has now outlived its usefulness; but the goods are coming along just the same.

_Tuesday, November 23rd._--Lord BIRKENHEAD'S complete recovery from his recent ear-trouble was attested by the ease and mastery of his speech in moving the Second Reading of the Government of Ireland Bill. Some men in this situation might have been a little embarrassed by their past. But Sir EDWARD CARSON'S erstwhile "galloper" neither forgot nor apologised for his daring feats of horsemanship, and triumphantly produced a letter from his former chief assuring "my dear Lord Chancellor" that "Ulster" had come round to the view that "the best and only solution of the question is to accept the present Bill and to endeavour to work it loyally."

For the rest he minimised the temporary partition of Ireland and laid stress on the ultimate union to be effected by the Council of Ireland; magnified the financial advantages--seven millions is the sum he reckons Southern Ireland will ultimately have to play with--and hinted that they might be further stretched "if peace were offered to us by any body which was qualified to speak for Irish opinion."

For a time little encouragement came from the Irish Peers. Lord DUNRAVEN moved the rejection of the Bill, on the ground that there could never be permanent peace in Ireland until moderate opinion was behind the law, and that moderate opinion would not be satisfied without full financial control. Lord WILLOUGHBY DE BROKE spoke as an unrepentant Unionist, and Lord CLANWILLIAM bluntly declared that the Irish were one of those peoples who were unfit to govern themselves and who had got to be governed.

The Duke of ABERCORN, as an Ulsterman, supported the Bill, and Lord HALDANE gave an elegant exhibition of the military exercise known as "the balance step without advancing." It was not the Bill he would have drafted, and the Government must pass it on their own responsibility. Still he thought it should be given a chance.

In the Commons Sir ARCHIBALD WILLIAMSON gave an account of the remarkable transmigrations of the Egyptian G.H.Q., which within a few weeks was located at the Savoy Hotel, the Abbassiah Barracks and the Eden Hotel. "Each move was made from motives of economy." Sir ALFRED MOND is understood to be most anxious to know how this game is played. He can manage the first moves all right, but never achieves a winning position.

_Wednesday, November 24th._--Those who were fortunate enough to hear Viscount GREY'S speech on the Government of Ireland Bill speak of it as on a par with that which he delivered as the spokesman of the nation on August 3rd, 1914. To me it did not appear quite so plain and coherent; but who can be plain and coherent about the Irish Question? Lord GREY thinks, for example, that if the Government made a more liberal offer to Nationalist Ireland the pressure of moderate opinion would put an end to murders and outrages. But how would that moderate opinion be able to overcome the terrorism of the secret societies, which, as Lord BRYCE told the Peers, have dogged every Irish patriotic movement since the eighteenth century and which will admit no compromise with the hated invader?

The debate was neatly summarised by Lord RIBBLESDALE, who said, "We are all Home Rulers, but each of us thinks the other fellow's brand is wrong."

The state of Ireland was at that moment being debated in the Commons, when Mr. ASQUITH found himself saddled with the introduction of a motion which, while nominally blaming the Irish Executive, really accused the soldiers and police of attacking the lives and property of innocent people. The awkwardness of the situation was reflected in the terms of his indictment. At one moment the charge was that houses and creameries were destroyed "without discrimination" between innocent and guilty; at the next the House was asked to note "overwhelming evidence of organisation." His only suggestion for a remedy was that we should get into touch with "the real opinion of the great bulk of the Irish people," but he did not indicate how it was to be done or what the opinion would be when you got to it.

Sir HAMAR GREENWOOD is quite clear that you won't get to it until you have crushed the murder-gang which is terrorising the great mass of the Southern Irish people, not excluding "the intellectual leaders of Sinn Fein."

Colonel JOHN WARD cleverly remodelled the resolution into a vote of thanks to the servants of the Crown in Ireland for their courage and devotion, and this was eventually adopted by 303 votes to 83.

_Thursday, November 25th._--For the first time in its history the House of Lords gave a Second Reading to a Home Rule Bill for Ireland. Up to the very last the issue was in doubt, for Lord MIDLETON'S motion that the debate should be adjourned for a fortnight, in order that a more generous financial scheme might be produced, attracted two classes of Peers--those who are resigned to Home Rule, but want a better brand, and those who won't have it at any price or in any shape.

On the steps of the Throne sat the PRIME MINISTER, whose humility in going no higher will doubtless receive favourable comment in Welsh pulpits. He was accompanied--I will not say shepherded--by Sir HAMAR GREENWOOD and Sir EDWARD CARSON. What signals, if any, passed between this triumvirate and the Woolsack I cannot say, but the fact remains that, after a brief chat with the LORD CHANCELLOR, Lord CURZON came down heavily against the motion. An adjournment would be useless unless it produced peace. But could Lord MIDLETON guarantee that even the most complete fiscal autonomy would satisfy Sinn Fein? If later on, when the Irish Parliaments were in operation, a demand came from a united Ireland, the Government would give it friendly consideration. Lord MIDLETON'S motion having been rejected by eighty-six votes, and Lord DUNRAVEN'S by ninety, the Second Reading was agreed to without a division.

In the Commons a final attempt to defeat the Agricultural Bill was made by the Farmers' Party. Mr. COURTHOPE declared that the Bill would produce only doubt and uncertainty, whereas the farmer needed confidence, a plant of slow growth (as we know on the authority of another statesman), which would not flourish under bureaucratic supervision. Sir F. BANBURY said the measure must end in nationalisation, and he would prefer nationalisation--_cum_ proper compensation, of course--straight away. The surprising statement by a Labour Member, that the farmers had subsidised the nation to the extent of forty millions a year by selling at less than world-prices, may have helped to placate their champions, who had not quite realised what generous fellows they were, for only a dozen stalwarts carried their protest into the Division Lobby.

* * * * *

"Learn to be independent of domestics. In four months I undertake to train any young girl of good family, and willing to learn, as a thoroughly competent and economical Plain Cook. Live in as one of family. Three maids kept. Mrs. ----."--_Church Times._

The advertiser seems to fight shy of her own medicine.

* * * * *

IMPROVING "HANSARD."

If _Hansard_ would only introduce a little brightness into its bald and unconvincing narrative of Parliamentary procedure it would provide reading-matter which would grip the heart and stir the emotions, winning many new readers from the students of fiction and other light literature. _Hansard_ will otherwise never find it worth while to organise sand-castle competitions for the little ones about its certified net sales.

It suffers under the disadvantage of having no sporting expert, no front-rank descriptive writer and no specialist in the humanities (sometimes known as a sob-artist) on its staff. That is why it reports a soul-stirring incident in the following terms?--

"Mr. X. struck out, and unintentionally hit an hon. member (Mr. Y.), who was sitting in close proximity. Grave disorder having thus arisen, Mr. Speaker rose and ordered the suspension of the sitting under Standing Order No. 21."