Chapter 2

I arose stiff, bemused. The hot March sunshine and the song of birds had left me drowsy. A glance at my watch showed me, to my astonishment, that was tea-time. So I made my way home.

The reception of my story was as cold as the tea. They weren't such fools, they said, as to believe it. So, knowing your larger charity, dear Mr. Punch, I send it to you.

And I shall await that retrospective article in some Maytime _Field_, entitled "A Season of Disasters."

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A CRITICAL PROBLEM.

"_The Admirable Crichton_ is still one of the most captivating of modern plays, rich in humour, scenically 'telling' and close-packed with Barrieisms."--_Times_.

"'Crichton' is one of the most agreeable Barrie plays, because it is so free from Barrieisms."--_Manchester Guardian_.

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SURMISES AND SURPRISES.

The appearance of the Dean of ST. PAUL'S at a recent social gathering not in the character of a wet blanket, but as a teller of jocund tales and a retailer of humorous anecdotes, must not be taken as an isolated and transient transformation, but as foreshadowing a general conversion of writers and publicists hitherto associated with utterances of a mordant, bitter, sardonic and pessimistic tone.

It is rumoured at Cambridge that Mr. MAYNARD KEYNES, mollified by the reception of his momentous work, has plunged into an orgy of optimism, the first-fruits of which will be a treatise on _The Gastronomic Consequences of the Peace_. Those who have been fortunate enough to see the MS. declare that the personal sketches of Mr. CLYNES, Mr. G.H. ROBERTS, Mr. HOOVER and M. ESCOFFIER are marked by a coruscating wit unparalleled in the annals of Dietetics. The account of a dinner at the "White Horse" is perhaps the _clou_ of an exceptionally exhilarating entertainment.

This agreeable swing of the pendulum is further illustrated by the report that Mr. PHILIP GIBBS, by way of counteracting the depression caused by his last book, is contemplating a palliative under the title of _Humours of the Home Front_. It is hoped that the book will come out serially in the pages of _The Hibbert Journal_.

Very welcome too is the report, not yet officially confirmed, that Sir E. RAY LANKESTER is engaged on a genial biography of Sir ARTHUR CONAN DOYLE, with special reference to his achievements in the domain of psychical research.

Other similar rumours are flying about in Fleet Street, but we give them with necessary reserve. One of them credits Mr. LYTTON STRACHEY with the resolve to indite a panegyric of the Archbishop of CANTERBURY. Another ascribes to Lord FISHER the preparation of a treatise on _The Evils of Egotism_.

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THE WEEK'S GREAT THOUGHT.

"We are at a crisis, and a critical one at that."--_Sir ARCHIBALD SALVIDGE in "The Sunday Chronicle_."

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IN A GOOD CAUSE.

A special matinée is to be given by Mr. CHARLES GULLIVER at the Paladium, on Friday, March 19th, for the National Children's Adoption Association. Mrs. LLOYD GEORGE, who makes a strong appeal for this good work, will receive applications for tickets at 10, Downing Street, S.W., and cheques should be made payable to her.

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SONGS OF THE HOME.

IV.--THE BARRISTER HUSBAND.

_How doth the Barrister delight,_ _According to his sort,_ _To mix in any form of fight_ _In any kind of Court._

When Nurse's temper runs amok, And Cook is by the ears, And all the home is terror-struck By notices and tears, And Madame begs me estimate What argument or bounce'll Restore and keep the peace, I state Opinion of Counsel:--

"With language dignified and terse And with a haughty look I should annihilate the Nurse And coldly crush the Cook; And, if they started in to weep, A word would make them stow it:-- 'That's not effective, merely cheap; And, what is more, you know it.'"

"You'd bring the Cook," says she, "to book By just a look?" "I should." "By something terse you'd make the Nurse Feel even worse?" "I would." "You'd say to weep was merely cheap And, what was more, they knew it?" "I should," say I; and her reply Is: "Come along and do it."

_How doth the Barrister delight_ _In any low resort,_ _And hurry from the losing fight_ _To seek another Court._

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"Mme. Tetrazzini had not been heard in London for five years and some little ooooooo aaaaaaaay shd cf cwyyy might have been busy on her voice. Well, it has scarcely."--_South African Paper_.

Her many admirers will be glad to know this.

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* * * * *

THE BOAT-RACE AGAIN.

In June, 1914, I took a house on the Thames, in order to make sure of a good view of the Boat-Race; then a man threw a bomb at Serajevo and ruined my plans. But now it is going to happen again. And instead of fighting with a vast crowd at Hammersmith Bridge I shall simply walk up into the bathroom and look out of the window. It is wonderful.

Yet meanwhile I have lost some of my illusions about this race. I have a boat myself; I myself have rowed all over the course in my boat. It is only ten feet long, but it is very, very heavy. Still, I have rowed in it all over the course--with ease. Yet people talk as if it was a marvellous thing for eight men to row a light boat over the same water. Why is that? It is because the ignorant land-lubber regards the river Thames as a pond; or else he regards it as a river flowing always to the sea. He forgets about the tide. The Boat-Race is rowed _with the tide_; they deliberately choose a moment when the tide is coming in, and hope nobody will notice; and nobody does notice. The tide runs about three miles an hour, sometimes more; if they just sat still in the boat they would reach Mortlake eventually, and the crowd would get a good look at them, instead of seeing them for ten seconds. The race ought to be rowed _against_ the tide. Then it really would be a feat of strength; then it really would take ten years off their lives--perhaps more. Then perhaps small boys would drop things on them from the bridges, as they do on me. I wonder they don't try to do that now. There is a certain quiet satisfaction in dropping things on people, especially if they are labouring under Hammersmith Bridge against the tide, and I should imagine that the temptation to drop things on a University crew would be almost irresistible. It is not everyone who can look back and say, "In 1890 I hit the Oxford stroke in the stomach with a stone." As it is, though, I suppose they go too fast for that kind of thing.

But apart from the small boys on the bridges, the present system is most unsatisfactory for people who know "a man in the boat." Even in a football match it is possible for an aunt occasionally to distinguish her nephew and say, "Look, there is Edward." But if she says, "Look, there is Edward," meaning No. 5 in the Cambridge boat, you know she is imagining. All she sees is a vague splashing between two bowler-hats, or possibly the Oxford rudder moving at high speed through a horse's legs. If the race were rowed against the tide we should all get our money's worth; and the oars-men could then put more realism into their "After-the-Finish" attitudes. As it is, they roll about in the boat with a praiseworthy suggestion of fatigue, but nobody really believes they are tired--nobody at least who has rowed on the Thames with the tide.

No, I am afraid the actual race is a sad hypocrisy. But the training must be terrible. Think of it. They started practising in the second week in January: they row the race in the fourth week in March. For ten weeks and more they have been "getting those hands away" and driving with those legs and not washing-out. For ten weeks horrible men with huge calves have shouted at them and cursed them and told them their sins, like a monk telling his beads--"Bow, you're late; Two, you're early; Three, you're bucketing; Four, you're not bucketing enough." I listen painfully, hoping against hope that at least one of the crew may be left out of the catalogue, that Stroke at least may be rowing properly. But no, Stroke is not forgotten, and even Cox doesn't always give complete satisfaction.

Sometimes I feel that I ought to row out in my little boat and offer to tow the incompetents back to Putney. Yet they seem somehow to travel very easily and well. But, however harmoniously they swing past "The Doves" or quicken to thirty-five at Chiswick Eyot, I know that in their hearts they are hating each other. Goodness, how they must hate each other! For ten weeks they have been rowing together in the same boring boat, behind the same boring back. I read with grim interest about the periodical shiftings of the crew, how Stroke has moved to the Bow thwart, and Bow has replaced Number Three, and Number Three has shifted to the Stroke position. They may pretend that all this is a scientific matter of adjustment, of balance and weight and so forth. I know better. I know that Stroke is fed up with the face of Cox, and that the mole on Number Two's neck has got thoroughly on Bow's nerves, and that if Number Three has to sit any longer behind Number Four's expanse of back he will go mad. That is the secret of it all. But I suppose they each of them hate the coach, and that keeps them together.

Of all these sufferers perhaps Cox is most to be pitied. They all have to eat what they're told, no doubt, yards and yards of beefsteak, and so on. In the old days rowing men had to drink beer at breakfast; I can't think of anything worse, except, perhaps, stout. But Cox doesn't eat anything at all. He has to get thinner and thinner. And if there is one thing worse, than eating beefsteak at breakfast it must be watching eight rowing men eating beefsteak at breakfast and not eating anything yourself.

Yes, beyond question Cox is the real hero. I watch him dwindling, day by day, from nine stone to eight stone, from eight stone to seven stone twelve, and my heart goes out to the little fellow. And what a job it is! If anything goes wrong, Cox did it. He kept too far out or he kept too far in, or too much in the middle. But who ever heard of Cox doing a brilliant piece of steering, or saving the situation, or even rising to the occasion? His highest ambition is for _The Times_ to say that he did his work "adequately"--like the _Second Murderer_ in SHAKSPEARE.

And at the finish he can't even pretend that he's tired, like the other men; even if there was any spectacular way of showing that he was half-frozen he couldn't do it, because he alone is responsible if one of the steamers runs over them and they are all drowned. We ought to take off our hats to Cox; though, of course, if we did, Stroke would think it was intended for him.

But indeed I take off my hat to all of them; not because of the race, which, as I say, is a piece of hypocrisy, being rowed with the tide, but because of the terrible preparation for the race. I wonder if it is worth it. It is true that they have lady adorers on the towing-path at Putney, and it is even rumoured that they receive anonymous presents of chocolates. But presumably they are not allowed to eat them, so that these can do little to alleviate their sufferings. It is true also that for ever after (if their wives allow it) they can hang an enormous oar on the wall and contemplate it after dinner. But, after all, I can do that too, if I like; for I too have rowed over the course.

And _I_ shall have a free view of the race. But none of them will see it at all. They will all be looking at the back of the man in front, except Stroke, whose eye will be riveted on the second button of Cox's blazer. What a life!

A.P.H.

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* * * * *

"To Let, permanent, Furnished Sitting-Boots (size 6); 20s."--_Local Paper_.

No, thanks; we already have a pair that are no good for walking.

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* * * * *

THE SECOND TIME OF ASKING.

(_The advancing price of rice has occupied much space in the papers of late._)

Maud, when you turned me down (a year to-morrow), Bidding me rise from off my suppliant knee, And, while regretful if you caused me sorrow, Murmured, "Sebastian, it can never be," I did not lay aside my fond ambition; I told myself, in spite of what occurred, "This is her lunch or three o'clock edition, And not her final word."

I merely marvelled at your eccentricity, Feeling convinced amid my blank amaze That, though you might "absent you from felicity Awhile," 'twas but a temporary phase; Convinced the mood impelling you to stifle The aspirations that I'd dared outline Was simply due to some extraneous trifle, Not any flaw of mine.

A chill or toothache might have vexed you greatly; Perhaps you had a corn inclined to shoot, Or possibly the sugar shortage lately Had proved itself abnormally acute; In short, I felt that, though unkindly treated, A happier time to me would surely come, When my request (impassioned) would be greeted With no down-pointing thumb.

Maud, it occurs to me you shunned a marriage Because that function, otherwise "quite nice," Involved the facing of a friendly "barrage" Mainly composed of valedictory rice, Stinging the cheek and nestling in the clothing; If that was so, I share the feeling, sweet; For rice in puddings I've no special loathing, But I detest it neat.

If such your reason was, there 's no material Objection to our union to-day; No risk remains of that offensive cereal Being employed in such a reckless way; You can say "Yes" without one apprehensive Thought that your brother is, a deadly shot; Rice as a missile now is too expensive. Anything doing--what?

* * * * *

"According to a Paris report, an Anglo-British force of 50,000 are on their way to occupy Constantinople."--_Daily Paper_.

It is, no doubt, the peculiar composition of this force that has aroused the apprehensions of French chauvinists.

* * * * *

"Denikin's troops are fleeing partly in steamers, partly along the coast, leaving a large booby." _"Planters and Commercial Gazette" (Mauritius)._

"A Bolshevist wireless says the Reds captured Tagonrog, Denikin's former headquarters, taking a huge booby."--_Same Paper_.

The booby prize has apparently been awarded to the Reds, but we feel that our contemporary might have put in a claim.

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ESSENCE OF PARLIAMENT.

_Monday, March 8th_.--I should hesitate to call Sir HAMAR GREENWOOD the _Pooh-Bah_ of the Ministry, though he has something of that worthy's sublime self-confidence and his capacity for taking any number of posts. The House, which knows him both as Under-Secretary for Foreign Affairs and Secretary to the Overseas Trade Department of the Board of Trade, was surprised to hear him answering questions relating to the nascent oil-wells in the United Kingdom, and to learn that he had become "Minister for Petroleum Affairs." But there the likeness ceases to be exact. _Pooh Bah's_ interest was in palm-oil.

A few days ago the CHANCELLOR OF THE EXCHEQUER facetiously compared the critics of the Government to the poet of _Rejected Addresses_ who declared that it was BUONAPARTE "who makes the quartern loaf and Luddites rise." Out of the Government's own mouth the critics are now, at any rate, partially justified, for the PRIME MINISTER announced that the bread subsidy was to be halved, and that on and after April 12th the quartern loaf would rise--he did not quite know where.

In view of the occasional rumours of friction between Government departments it is pleasant to record that the Ministry of Transport and the War Office are on the friendliest terms. Invited to abolish, in the interests of the taxpayer, the cheap railway tickets now issued to soldiers, Mr. NEAL said it was primarily a question for the War Office, as in this matter Sir ERIC GEDDES would wish to move in harmony with Mr. CHURCHILL. As the WAR SECRETARY promptly announced his intention of doing his best to maintain the soldiers' privilege it is conjectured that he will return from the ride with Sir ERIC inside.

The new Member for Paisley delivered his maiden speech to-night, and acquitted himself so well that in the opinion of Members many months his senior he is likely to go far. The Government had proposed to "guillotine" the remaining Supplementary Estimates in order to get them through before March 31st. Some ardent economists, mainly drawn from the Coalition, while ready to concede the end, protested against the means, and proposed that the House should make its own arrangements.

Mr. BONAR LAW promptly perceived the advantage of transferring from the Government to the House a disagreeable responsibility. Forgetting that he was cast for the executioner, not the hero, he murmured, "It is a far, far better thing," and graciously accepted the proposed alternative. Mr. ASQUITH, not unwilling to help in establishing a precedent which some day he himself may find useful, backed him up, and the House, as a whole, congratulating itself on its escape from the public executioner, cheerfully proceeded to commit _harakiri_.

_Tuesday, March 9th_.--Mr. SHORTT relieved our apprehensions by stating that the few spurious "Bradburys" in circulation are of home manufacture, and that, while a few specimens emanating from Russia had been sent here for identification, they were so poorly executed that they would scarcely pass muster in this country. It is comforting to think that there is one British industry which has nothing to fear from foreign dumping, but is cheerfully forging ahead.

The HOME SECRETARY also denied that there had been any remarkable increase in pocket-picking or that schools existed for the training of young criminals. As Sir MAURICE DOCKRELL pointed out, there is indeed no need for them so long as the cinemas provide their present facilities. _Fagin_ has been quite knocked out by the film.

The Parliamentary vocabulary extends apace. Mr. RENDALL, whose motion on divorce had been postponed under the new arrangements for business until after Easter, complained that Sir FREDERICK BANBURY had "done him down."

Part of the evening was devoted to the bread-subsidy. The debate incidentally illustrated the intellectual independence of Ministers. A few days ago Mr. LLOYD GEORGE, in advocating the resumption of trade with Russia, declared that "the corn-bins of Russia were bulging with grain." To-night Mr. MCCURDY told the House that, according to his information, the resumption of trade With Russia was not likely to open up any large store of wheat or grain in the near future. Possibly there is no real incongruity. The grain may be there, but the Russians, greedy creatures, may be going to eat it themselves.

_Wednesday, March 10th_.--Even in the gloomy atmosphere of the Upper Chamber the subject of divorce lends itself to humour. Lord BUCKMASTER, who introduced a Bill founded on the recommendations of the Royal Commission, performed his task with due solemnity, but some of the noble Lords who opposed it were positively skittish. Lord BRAYE, for example, thought that, if the Bill passed, _Who's Who_ would require a supplement entitled _Who's Who's Wife_; and Lord PHILLIMORE illustrated the effects of easy divorce by a story of a Swiss marriage in which the bride-elect was attended by four of the happy man's previous spouses. He also told another of an American judge who, having explained that in this department of his duties he was "very strict," added, "Of course I make no difficulty the first time, but if they come again within twelve months I want a good reason."

Mr. HOGGE led a vigorous attack on the Ministry of Transport, which he seemed to think had done very little for its money except to divert the omnibuses at Westminster and so make it more difficult for Members of Parliament to get to the House. Mr. KENNEDY JONES, who was responsible for the innovation, rather hinted that in the case of some Members this might not be altogether an objection. The brunt of the defence fell upon Mr. NEAL, owing to the regretted absence of his chief, who had been ordered away by his doctor for a much-needed holiday and was reported to be recruiting himself on the golf-links. If exercise is what he needs he could have got plenty of it in the House to-night. Thanks to a persistent minority, Members were kept tramping through the Lobbies for the best part of five hours, and did not complete the full round of eighteen divisions until 2.15 A.M.

_Thursday, March 11th_.--Possibly the news of "direct action's" heavy cropper at the Trade Union Conference had reached the Front Bench before the PRIME MINISTER, in reply to a question regarding the shortage of labour in the building trades, bluntly attributed it to the stringency of the Trade Union regulations. When Mr. ADAMSON attempted to shift the blame on to a Government Department Mr. LLOYD GEORGE retorted that he would be perfectly ready to deal with any peccant official if the Labour Leader for his part would deal with the Trade Unions.

General SEELY repeated his familiar arguments in favour of an independent Air Ministry, and Mr. CHURCHILL once more defended his position, urging that it was better for the Air Service to have half a Minister in the Cabinet than none at all. To a suggestion that the lives of the Armenians might have been saved if we had sent more aeroplanes to Asia Minor, Mr. CHURCHILL replied that unfortunately the Armenian and Turkish populations were so intermingled that our bombs would be dropping indiscriminately, like the rain, "upon the just and unjust feller."

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BUBBLE AND SQUEAK.

(_By a Grateful Student of the New English Dictionary_.)