Chapter 1

PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.

VOL. 156.

May 7, 1919.

CHARIVARIA.

No enthusiasm attended the recent revival of the curious May Day custom of dancing round the snow man.

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Since the Muzzling Order, says a weekly paper, fewer postmen in the West End have been bitten by dogs. We are asked by the Dogs' Trade Union to point out that this is not due to the Muzzling Order, but to the fact that just at present there is a fine supply of dairy-fed milkmen in that district.

***

A negress has just died in South America, aged 136. It is supposed that the exodus of so many of her descendants to London on account of the great demand for Jazz-band players was largely responsible for hastening her end.

***

According to a local paper an American officer refused to stay at a seaside hotel during Easter-time because a flea hopped on to the visitors' book whilst he was in the act of signing it. We agree that it is certainly rather alarming when these unwelcome intruders adopt such methods of espionage in order to discover which room one is about to occupy.

***

The Society of Public Analysts declares that it is impossible to tell what animal or what part of it is contained in a sausage. We gather that it all depends on whether the beast is backed into the machine or enticed into it with a sardine.

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The British people still feel themselves the victors, so Mr. RAMSAY MACDONALD told the _Vossische Zeitung_. Not Mr. MACDONALD'S fault, of course.

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London butchers have protested against being compelled to sell Chilian, Brazilian, Manchurian _and other_ beef. A simple way to distinguish "other beef" from Manchurian beef is to offer it to the cat. If it eats it, it is neither.

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The Board of Agriculture claims that since 1914 eleven thousand persons have been taught to make cheese. It is admitted, however, that as the result of inexperience the mortality among young cheeses has been enormous.

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The Labour Party are submitting a Motion in the House of Commons for the reduction of railway fares. An alternative suggestion that passengers should be allowed to pay the extra shilling or two and buy the train outright will probably be put forward.

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The sum of £15,650 has just been paid for the lease of a West End flat, says a contemporary. If this includes use of the bath, it seems a bit of a bargain.

***

We gather from an American newspaper that shooting for the new Mexican Presidency has commenced.

***

An East End fishmonger is reported to have sold fish at one penny a pound. The controlled price being much higher, several trade rivals have offered to bear the expense of a doctor for this man as they feel that something may be pressing on his brain.

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A Berlin message indicates that the man who shot KURT EISNER has again been assassinated by the Spartacists. This, of course, cannot be the end of the business. The last and positively final execution of the man still rests with the German Government.

***

There has never been a case of rabies in Scotland, says _The Evening News_. This speaks well for the bagpipes as a defensive weapon.

***

According to a Boston message some Americans gave Admiral WOOD, U.S. Navy, a very cool reception the other day. In shaking hands with him they only broke seven small bones.

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We are pleased to be able to say that the recently demobilised soldier who accidentally swallowed some "plum and apple" in a London restaurant is well on the road to recovery.

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The number of hot-cross-bun specialists who, since Easter, have been in receipt of unemployment pay has not yet been disclosed for publication.

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A dog has returned to its home at Walsworth after being absent for two months. It is feared that he has been leading a double life.

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"Throughout the country," says a well-known daily paper, "the hedges and trees are now budding forth into green leaves." This, we understand, is according to precedent.

***

"Is your rent raised?" asks a contemporary. With difficulty, if he _must_ know.

***

Newcastle Justices have extinguished eight licences for redundancy. There is no reason for supposing that the offence was intentional.

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The report that the prehistoric flint axe recently found at Ascot had been claimed by Sir FREDERICK BANBURY, M.P., is denied. Sir FREDERICK, it appears, merely expressed warm approval of it.

***

The Manchester Parks Committee is considering the question of opening the Municipal Golf Links for Sunday play. It is contended that the more anti-Sabbatarian features of the game could be eliminated by allowing players to pick out of a bunker without penalty.

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Much advice has recently appeared in the Press regarding the treatment of bites received from mad dogs, and in consequence there is a movement on foot among Missionaries to obtain some information regarding the best method of treating the bite of a cannibal.

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A Chicago woman has been charged with attempting to shoot her husband with a jewelled and gold-handled revolver. We are pleased to note that the American authorities are determined to put down such ostentation.

***

It has come to our ears that a certain Conscientious Objector now feels so ashamed of his refusal to fight that he has practically decided to take boxing lessons by post.

* * * * *

* * * * *

LETTERS TO PEOPLE I DON'T KNOW.

_(No answers required, thank you.)_

_To Count Brockdorff-Rantzau, Head of the German Peace Delegation._

The enthralling volume, entitled _Preliminary Terms of Peace_, on which your attention is being engrossed at the present moment, is said to be of the same length as _A Tale of Two Cities_. In other respects there is little resemblance traceable between the two works. A more striking likeness is to be found between the present volume and a document produced (also in the neighbourhood of Paris) by the late Prince BISMARCK in 1871. On your return home, if the fancy appeals to you, you might, out of these two publications, construct a very readable romance and call it _Two Tales of One City_. I think this would be a better name for it than _Vice-Versailles._

_To Signor Orlando_.

Apart from our love for Italy we are, of course, naturally prejudiced in favour of a man who got his surname from one of our own SHAKSPEARE'S heroes, and has consequently given us several easy chances of making little _As-you-like-it_ jokes for the Press in our simple unsophisticated way. All the same I think you were wrong in dropping out of the Big Four like that. If every other Allied delegate were to go off home whenever he couldn't get his own way, or whenever he differed from President WILSON, there might be nobody left to meet the German representatives or to sign any sort of Peace terms. The enemy might even start a Big Four of their own and begin to talk. What should we do then? We might have to send for Marshal FOCH. I'm not sure that in any case this wouldn't be the best plan.

But perhaps you will be back in Paris before this letter reaches you. All roads lead to Rome, and there must be at least one that leads out of it again.

_To Ferdinand, Fox_.

If news of the outside world ever reaches you in your earth, and you read the discussions on the question whether your old friend WILLIAM ought to be hanged, it can hardly have escaped Your Nosiness that nothing is said about your own claim to similar treatment. Those who never rightly appreciated you may imagine that you will meekly consent to forgo that claim. But, if I know anything of your proud and princely nature, you are, on the other hand, bitterly chagrined at the thought that you have been forgotten so soon.

_To a British "Sportsman_."

I have often seen you of an afternoon in war-time hanging about in groups along my workaday street, poring over what you regarded as the vital news of the day. It was not a report of any battle in which your brothers were fighting, and, if I had asked you breathlessly, "Who won?" you would not have said, "The British"; you would have said, "SOLLY JOEL'S colt." You had never seen the horse, but you had half-a-dollar of your War-bonus on him, or more probably on one of those who also ran. To-day there are no silly battles to take up good space in your evening print; and, better still, there is no day without its racing matter; no more curtailing of the King of Sports to the lamentable detriment of our national horse-breeding, a subject so close to your heart. The War is indeed well over.

And nothing can be more gratifying to you than to note the rapid progress of Reconstruction in the domain of the Turf. In other spheres of activity there may be a million people drawing the unemployment donation; but here there is immediate occupation for all. The New Jerusalem has been built in a day.

_To Peace_.

You must not mind if, when you come at last, we treat you like an anti-climax. You see, we let ourselves go, once for all, over the Armistice, and, though there will be plenty of celebrations for you, we shan't forget ourselves again. There will be bands, of course, and bunting, and we shall read the directions in the papers, and buy expensive tickets and get to our seats early. But we shall be respectable and inarticulate this time, like the present exhibition at the Royal Academy. Besides, we have no nice things to shout when the pageants go by, like "_Vive la Victoire_!" or "_Viva la Pace!_" and even if we had we should all wait for somebody else to start shouting them.

But you are not to be disappointed; we shall really be glad to welcome you, though we do it in that strange way we have of taking everything as it comes.

I suppose you are bound to assist at your own celebrations, otherwise I should recommend you to be content to read about them next day--about the thundering cheers, the wild enthusiasm that swept like a flame through the vast multitudes, and how "the red glare on Skiddaw roused the Canon (RAWNSLEY) of Carlisle."

_To a Multi-Millionaire._

It must be a great satisfaction to you to see how highly the CHANCELLOR OF THE EXCHEQUER appreciates the loss which the country will sustain by your eventual decease; and that he has proposed to increase materially the amount to be raised out of your estate as a national souvenir of your commercial activities. Indeed you may reflect that, splendid and profitable as your life has been, nothing in it will have become you so much as the leaving of it. With such a thought in your mind the prospect of death should be robbed of a large proportion of its sting.

_To a New Knight (Scots)._

Out of the eight hundred million pounds' worth of Government material left over from the War, of which two hundred million pounds' worth is expected to be realised in the current year, you should have no difficulty in securing a pair of knightly spurs at quite a reasonable price. They ought to go well with a kilt.

_To the Chairman of the "Société des Bains de Mer de Monaco_."

Few people can have been better pleased than you at the cessation of hostilities. During all those terrible years the falling-off among the patrons of your world-famous bathing-establishment must have been a source of cruel grief to you. And now there are already myriads who have washed away the stains of war in the pellucid waves that lap your coast of azure.

Here, too, at your hospitable Board of Green Cloth there is forgetfulness of Armageddon save when the cry of "Zéro" recalls to the convalescent British warrior the fateful hour for going over the top.

And to think of Monte Carlo without the guttural Hun and his raucous "_Dass ist mein_" as he swoops upon his disputed spoils! An Eden with the worm away!

_À bientôt_!

O.S.

* * * * *

"PUBLIC SCHOOLS' HIGH JUMP CHALLENGE CUP.--E.C. Archer (Merchant Taylors'), 5 ft. 4 in. (unfinished), 1."--_The Times_.

We are glad to have later advices which state that he has returned to earth safely.

* * * * *

"Alabaster Lady's Evening Cigarette Case, lid and hinges set with diamonds; left in taxi."--_Advt. in "The Times."_

We trust the alabaster lady has by now regained her property and with it her marmoreal calm.

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* * * * *

* * * * *

THE ARRIVAL OF BLACKMAN'S WARBLER.

I am become an Authority on Birds. It happened in this way.

The other day we heard the Cuckoo in Hampshire. (The next morning the papers announced that the Cuckoo had been heard in Devonshire--possibly a different one, but in no way superior to ours except in the matter of its Press agent.) Well, everybody in the house said, "Did you hear the Cuckoo?" to everybody else, until I began to get rather tired of it; and, having told everybody several times that I _had_ heard it, I tried to make the conversation more interesting. So, after my tenth "Yes," I added quite casually:--

"But I haven't heard the Tufted Pipit yet. It's funny why it should be so late this year."

"Is that the same as the Tree Pipit?" said my hostess, who seemed to know more about birds than I had hoped.

"Oh, no," I said confidently.

"What's the difference exactly?"

"Well, one is tufted," I said, doing my best, "and the other--er--climbs trees."

"Oh, I see."

"And of course the eggs are more speckled," I added, gradually acquiring confidence.

"I often wish I knew more about birds," she said regretfully. "You must tell us something about them now we've got you here."

And all this because of one miserable Cuckoo!

"By all means," I said, wondering how long it would take to get a book about birds down from London.

However, it was easier than I thought. We had tea in the garden that afternoon, and a bird of some kind struck up in the plane-tree.

"There, now," said my hostess, "what's that?"

I listened with my head on one side. The bird said it again.

"That's the Lesser Bunting," I said hopefully.

"The Lesser Bunting," said an earnest-looking girl; "I shall always remember that."

I hoped she wouldn't, but I could hardly say so. Fortunately the bird lesser-bunted again, and I seized the opportunity of playing for safety.

"Or is it the Sardinian White-throat?" I wondered. "They have very much the same note during the breeding season. But of course the eggs are more speckled," I added casually.

And so on for the rest of the evening. You see how easy it is.

However the next afternoon a most unfortunate occurrence occurred. A real Bird Authority came to tea. As soon as the information leaked out I sent up a hasty prayer for bird-silence until we had got him safely out of the place; but it was not granted. Our feathered songster in the plane-tree broke into his little piece.

"There," said my hostess--"there's that bird again." She turned to me. "What did you say it was?"

I hoped that the Authority would speak first, and that the others would then accept my assurance that they had misunderstood me the day before; but he was entangled at that moment in a watercress sandwich, the loose ends of which were still waiting to be tucked away.

I looked anxiously at the girl who had promised to remember, in case she wanted to say something, but she also was silent. Everybody was silent except that miserable bird.

Well, I had to have another go at it. "Blackman's Warbler," I said firmly.

"Oh, yes," said my hostess.

"Blackman's Warbler; I shall always remember that," lied the earnest-looking girl.

The Authority, who was free by this time, looked at me indignantly.

"Nonsense," he said; "it's the Chiff-chaff."

Everybody else looked at me reproachfully. I was about to say that "Blackman's Warbler" was the local name for the Chiff-chaff in our part of Flint, when the Authority spoke again.

"The Chiff-chaff," he said to our hostess with an insufferable air of knowledge.

I wasn't going to stand that.

"So _I_ thought when I heard it first," I said, giving him a gentle smile.

It was now the Authority's turn to get the reproachful looks.

"Are they very much alike?" my hostess asked me, much impressed.

"Very much. Blackman's Warbler is often mistaken for the Chiff-chaff, even by so-called experts"--and I turned to the Authority and added, "Have another sandwich, won't you?"--"and particularly so, of course, during the breeding season. It is true that the eggs are more speckled, but--"

"Bless my soul," said the Authority, but it was easy to see that he was shaken, "I should think I know a Chiff-chaff when I hear one."

"Ah, but do you know a Blackman's Warbler? One doesn't often hear them in this country. Now in Switzerland--"

The bird said "Chiff-chaff" again with an almost indecent plainness of speech.

"There you are!" I said triumphantly. "Listen," and I held up a finger. "You notice the difference? _Obviously_ a Blackman's Warbler."

Everybody looked at the Authority. He was wondering how long it would take to get a book about birds down from London, and deciding that it couldn't be done that afternoon. Meanwhile "Blackman's Warbler" sounded too much like the name of something to be repudiated. For all he had caught of our mumbled introduction I might have been Blackman myself.

"Possibly you're right," he said reluctantly.

Another bird said "Chiff-chaff" from another tree, and I thought it wise to be generous. "There," I said, "now that _was_ a Chiff-chaff."

The earnest-looking girl remarked (silly creature) that it sounded just like the other one, but nobody took any notice of her. They were all busy admiring me.

Of course I mustn't meet the Authority again, because you may be pretty sure that when he got back to his books he looked up Blackman's Warbler and found that there was no such animal. But if you mix in the right society and only see the wrong people once it is really quite easy to be an authority on birds--or, I imagine, on anything else.

A.A.M.

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* * * * *

"HONOURS."

(_BY A CYNIC_.)

A DUKEDOM, GRAND OR OTHERWISE, NO LONGER IS AN ENVIED PRIZE WHEN EVERY DAY SOME FIERCE COMMISSION CLAMOURS FOR DUCAL INHIBITION. THE STYLE OF MARQUESS--THUSWISE SPELT-- IS PICTURESQUE, BUT, LIKE THE BELT OF EARLDOM, CANNOT LONG ABIDE OR STEM THE DEMOCRATIC TIDE. VISCOUNTIES STAND TO CHEER AND BLESS THE LABOURS OF THE PURPLE PRESS, AND BARONIES, ONCE HELD BY ROBBERS, ARE GIVEN TO PATRIOTIC JOBBERS. UNCOMPROMISING MALEDICTION RESTS ON THE BARONETS OF FICTION; IN ACTUAL LIFE THEY SERVE TO LINK A PARTY WITH THE STREET OF INK; WHILE KNIGHTHOOD'S LATEST HONOURS FALL UPON THE FUNNIEST MEN OF ALL. YES, WHILE OUR GRATITUDE ACCLAIMS THE JUSTLY DECORATED NAMES OF PEERS LIKE TENNYSON AND LISTER, THERE IS MUCH VIRTUE IN PLAIN MISTER. THE STYLE AND TITLE DEEMED MOST FIT BY DARWIN, HUXLEY, BURKE AND PITT, AND LATER ON BY A.J.B., ARE MORE THAN GOOD ENOUGH FOR ME.

* * * * *

THE DOMESTIC QUESTION SOLVED.

LAST THURSDAY, AT A REGISTRY-OFFICE, I OBTAINED THE FAVOUR OF AN INTERVIEW WITH A DOMESTIC ARTIST AND WAS ABLE (BY REASON OF A PREVIOUS CONFERENCE WITH MY FRIEND FRESHFIELD--LIKE MYSELF A DEMOBILISED BACHELOR AUTHOR) TO FACE THE ORDEAL WITH SOME DEGREE OF CONFIDENCE.

MRS. MILTON, WIDOW, FIFTY-FIVE, EXCEPTIONAL REFERENCES, WHO PROPOSED, IF EVERYTHING ABOUT ME SEEMED SATISFACTORY, TO RULE MY HOUSEHOLD, WAS AS SUAVE AS ONE HAS ANY RIGHT TO EXPECT NOWADAYS; BUT WHEN SHE DICTATED THE TERMS I GATHERED THAT SHE WOULD BE SUFFICIENTLY DANGEROUS IF ROUSED.

SHE KNEW WHAT BACHELORS WERE, SHE DID, AND WASN'T GOING TO TAKE A PLACE WHERE A LOT OF COMP'NY WAS KEPT.

I ASSURED HER ON THIS POINT. MY FRIEND, MR. FRESHFIELD, I SAID, WOULD COME ONCE A WEEK, EVERY MONDAY, TO DINE AND SLEEP, BUT BEYOND THAT I SHOULD PUT NO STRAIN UPON HER POWERS OF ENTERTAINMENT.

MRS. MILTON FURTHER SAID THAT SHE WOULD REQUIRE AT LEAST TWO AFTERNOONS AND ONE EVENING A WEEK. HERE WAS MY OPPORTUNITY TO APPEAR GENEROUS.

"TWO AFTERNOONS AND ONE EVENING?" I SAID. "MY DEAR FRIEND AND FELLOW-WORKER, YOU CAN HAVE EVERY WEDNESDAY AND THURSDAY FROM AFTER BREAKFAST ON THE FORMER TO PRACTICALLY DINNER-TIME (EIGHT O'CLOCK) ON THE LATTER. NO QUESTIONS WILL BE ASKED OF YOU OR OF THE PIANO OR GRAMOPHONE, BOTH OF WHICH INSTRUMENTS YOU WILL FIND IN SMOOTH RUNNING ORDER. I AM AWAY," I ADDED, "EVERY WEDNESDAY AND THURSDAY."

THAT CLINCHED IT. HIDING HER SURPRISE AS WELL AS SHE COULD UNDER AN IRREPROACHABLE BONNET AND TOUPEE, MRS. MILTON EXPRESSED HER READINESS TO ACCOMPANY ME THEN AND THERE, AND TO SUPERINTEND THE DISAPPEARANCE OF MY COALS AND MARMALADE.

PERHAPS YOU HAVE GUESSED THAT I PROPOSE TO SPEND EVERY WEDNESDAY NIGHT AT FRESHFIELD'S PLACE, AND THAT THE COMPLETE SUCCESS OF THE SCHEME HAS BEEN ASSURED BY THE MAKING OF A SIMILAR AGREEMENT BETWEEN FRESHFIELD AND A PERSON HOLDING CORRESPONDING VIEWS TO THOSE OF MRS. MILTON.

THUS FRESHFIELD AND I HAVE EACH SECURED THE FULL SEVEN DAYS' ATTENDANCE BY A DEVICE PLEASING TO ALL CONCERNED. AFTER LOCKING UP THE MELBA AND GEORGE ROBEY RECORDS ON WEDNESDAY MORNINGS AND WITH THE KNOWLEDGE THAT THE PIANO IS PAST SERIOUS INJURY, I DEPART FOR FRESHFIELD'S (_VIÂ_ THE CLUB FOR LUNCH) EACH WEEK WITH A LIGHT HEART.

MY COLLABORATOR IS ALL FOR KEEPING THIS SOLUTION OF A HARASSING PROBLEM TO OURSELVES. I SAY "NO." THE GENERAL ADOPTION OF SUCH A SCHEME, WITH ALTERATIONS TO SUIT INDIVIDUAL CASES, WOULD, I THINK, BE A NAIL IN THE COFFIN OF BOLSHEVISM IN THE HOME.

* * * * *

MR. WILSON RUBS IT IN.

"THE _ECHO DE PARIS_ SAYS, 'MR. WILSON BELIEVES HE CAN PLAY THE RÔLE OF THE POPES OF THE MIDDLE AGES. IN THE ÉCLAT OF HIS PUBLIC MESSAGES HE TRIES TO SET PEOPLES AGAINST GOVERNMENTS.'"--_SCOTS PAPER_.

* * * * *

"GENERAL MONASH MAKING AN IMPOSING FIGURE ON HIS GREY HORSE, WHERE HE RODE WITH GENERAL HOBBS AND THREE BRIGADIERS."--_TIMES_.

THE R.S.P.C.A. MUST LOOK INTO THIS.

* * * * *

"GOLF BATTLE OF THE SEXES.

THE LATEST JACK JOHNSON STORY IS THAT HE IS TRAINING IN MEXICO CITY FOR A SERIES OF FIGHTS, WHICH WILL TAKE PLACE IN THE BULL-RING.

LADIES: MISS CECIL LEITCH, MISS CHUBB, MISS BARRY, MRS. MCNAIR, MRS. JILLARD, MRS. F.W. BROWN, MISS JONES PARKER AND MRS. WILLOCK POLLEN."--_DAILY SKETCH_.

WE ARE RATHER SORRY FOR MASSA JOHNSON.

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* * * * *

THE CHURCH AND PEACE.

The acquiescence of the Coventry Peace Celebration Committee in the Bishop of COVENTRY'S view that the Lady GODIVA of their pageant should be fully clothed is leading not only to many innovations in the representations of history all over the country, but to a recrudescence of ecclesiastical power which is affording the liveliest satisfaction to Lord HUGH CECIL.

For already several other divines have followed suit. It is agreeable, for example, to the very reasonable wishes of the DEAN and Chapter of Westminster that the Westminster Peace Celebration Committee have decided that NELL GWYNN shall either be excluded from the Whitehall procession altogether or shall figure as a Mildmay deaconess.