Chapter 2

When yesterday I went to see my friends-- (Watching their patient faces in a row, I want to give each boy a D.S.O.)-- When yesterday I went to see my friends, With cigarettes and foolish odds and ends (Knowing they understand how well I know That nothing I may do can make amends, But that I must not grieve or tell them so), A pale-faced Inniskilling, tall and slim, Who'd fought two years and now was just eighteen, Smiled up and showed, with eyes a little dim, How someone left him, where his leg had been, On the humped bandage that replaced the limb, A tiny green glass pig to comfort him.

These are the men who've learned to laugh at pain, And if their lips have quivered when they spoke They've said brave things or tried to make a joke; Said it's not worse than trenches in the rain, Or pools of water on a chalky plain, Or bitter cold from which you stiffly woke, Or deep wet mud that left you hardly sane, Or the tense wait for "Fritz's master stroke." You seldom hear them talk of their "bad luck," And suffering has not spoiled their ready wit, And oh! you'd hardly doubt their fighting pluck, When each new operation shows their grit; Who never brag of blows for England struck, But only yearn to "get about a bit."

* * * * *

"The Allies had threatened to destroy the Dardanelles if the Medina garrison did not surrender."--_Birmingham Mail_.

So, being reduced to its last Straits, the garrison surrendered.

* * * * *

"MATRIMONY--Young Lady (21), good prospects, wishes to correspond with young man, similar age, with a view to above; no rebels need apply."--_Irish Paper_.

But we guess there will be one Home Ruler in the family.

* * * * *

"Replying to a query concerning the rumour that Messrs. Guinness were in treaty for the purchase of the National hell Factory, Parkgate Street, a representative of that firm said this afternoon: 'We have no statement to make at all.'"--_Irish Paper_.

We gather that the printer is a Prohibitionist.

* * * * *

"At Doncaster on Saturday, Messrs. ---- sold for £7,100 the fully licensed house at Armthorpe known as the Plough Inn to the Markham Main Colliery Company, the proprietors of the colliery being sunk in the parish."--_Yorkshire Post_.

Not _spurlos versenkt_, we trust. Perhaps it is hoped that the Plough will unearth them.

* * * * *

TEACHING TOMMY.

Here is a simple method of aiding the admirable efforts of educational Staff-Officers in the army.

Let all Regimental Orders be interspersed with items of information likely to be of use in civilian life. Thus:--

53. ... will be rendered to this office, in triplicate, by noon to-morrow.

53A. _Etiquette, Points of_. It is not considered correct to address an Archbishop as "Archie" unless one is on terms of considerable intimacy with him. In writing to a Duchess never commit the vulgar error of putting a stamp on the envelope; the sixth footman in a ducal household is always provided with a fund in respect of unpaid postage on incoming correspondence.

54. ... is placed out of bounds to all troops on account of an outbreak of mumps.

54A. _Data, Geographical_.--Of all fish those of the Bay of Biscay are perhaps the best nourished. An isthmus is a piece of land which saves another piece of land from being an island. The principal exports of Germany are prisoners of war.

55. ... to be read on three consecutive parades.

55A. _Theory_, _Untenable_, _Literary_.--The The theory that BACON was a pork-butcher and derived inspiration for _Hamlet_ by gazing at the viands in his shop has now been disproved.

56. ... and a sum of twopence per haircut will be chargeable against public funds.

56A. _Courts, Foreign_.--The Sultan of Socotra is entitled to a salute of fourteen popguns and one catapult. Before approaching the throne of the Duke of the Djibouti one is required to take lessons from the Court Contortionist.

57. ... and Company Commanders are reminded of their responsibility in this matter.

57A. _World, the Animal_.--It is interesting to know that the inventor of the Tank first planned that engine of warfare while watching the peregrinations of the armadillo at a travelling menagerie. The efficacy of our blockade was such that large consignments of armadillo-fodder were prevented from reaching Germany, the consequent demise of all German-kept armadilloes thus robbing our enemy of the opportunity of devising a similar instrument.

58. ... will parade in full marching order at Reveille.

58A. _Facts, Historical_.--There once was a king who never smiled again, but history might have recorded a different verdict had His Majesty witnessed the spectacle of the Second-in-Command, on a frisky horse, trying to drill the Battalion.

59. ... will therefore immediately submit rolls of all skilled organ-blowers of Category B ii.

59A. _Information, General_.--If all the Treasury Notes circulated in the United Kingdom since 1914 were placed end to end they might reach from Bristol to Yokohama and back, but they would not constitute a sufficient inducement to a London taxi-driver.

60. ... and this practice must cease forthwith.

60A. _Query, Our Daily_.--What is Popocatapetl? Is it an indoor game, a cannibal tribe, a curative herb, or neither? Solutions are invited.

There are two very advantageous points about this scheme: (1) The ingenious system of numbering would avoid interference with army routine, which must go on: and (2) men might be encouraged to read Regimental Orders.

This suggestion is made without hope of fee or reward. Its author does not even ask for extra duty pay.

* * * * *

* * * * *

A FINE EAR FOR THE HASPIRATE.

"I wish 'as 'ow I warn't married."

Mr. Punt crooned out the impious aspiration as he sorted a judicious modicum of hemp into the canary seed. He spoke in semi-soliloquy, yet quite loud enough to reach the vigilant ear of Mrs. Punt, who was dusting the cages at the other end of the live-stock store. She said nothing in reply, but her eye fixed itself upon him with a glint eloquent of what she might say later.

"Why is that, Mr. Punt?" I asked encouragingly.

"Why, it's on'y to-day, Sir, as I met a lidy, a widder lidy, friend o' Uncle George's down Putney way, as 'as one leg, a nice little bit o' 'ouse property and two great hauk's eggs."

It did seem a rare combination of marriageable qualities. I asked the value of a great auk's egg, and was surprised to learn that a specimen had recently been sold at auction for something like three hundred pounds. I inquired whether all the great auks' eggs that came on the market were genuine, or whether "faked" specimens were to be met with. I had heard, I thought, of "faked" eagles' eggs.

"Different kind o' bird altogether, Sir, and different kind o' egg. Can't very well be imitated. You didn't think as I said great 'awk, Sir?" he asked very anxiously.

"No, no; I understand," I hastened to assure him.

"The 'awk, Sir, is a bird o' the heagle kind; the hauk's a different kind altogether--web-footed, aquatic--was, I should rather say, seeing as 'ow 'e's un appily extinct. Hauk and 'awk, Sir--you take the difference?"

I said that I thought the distinction was perceptible to a fine ear for the aspirate.

The phrase took the little man's fancy wonderfully. "That's it, Sir," he exclaimed, beaming up delightedly at me. "You've 'it it! Done it in one, you 'ave. 'Fine ear for the haspirate'--that's what my darter Maria 'ave and what I, for one, 'ave not. I'm not above confessing of it; 'tain't given to all of us to 'ave everything, as the ant said to the helephant when 'e was boasting about 'is trunk. Some there is as ain't got no ear for music--same as Joe Mangles, the grocer down the street, as 'as caught a heavy cold in 'is 'ead with taking 'is 'at off every time as 'e 'ears 'It's a long long way to Tipperary.' Why, I've knowed men," said Mr. Punt, in the manner of one who works himself up to an almost incredible climax--"I've knowed men as couldn't tell the difference between a linnet's note and a goldfinch."

"Astonishing," I said.

One of the canaries suddenly broke into a rich trill of song, as if to add his personal expression of surprise.

"Now there!" Mr. Punt exclaimed, shaking a podgy forefinger at him. "There's the bird as give all the trouble and cause words 'tween me and Maria, 'e did. 'Artz Mountain roller, that bird is. Beeutiful 'is note, ain't it, Sir?"

There really was a deep full tone, distantly suggestive of a nightingale's, that favourably distinguished the bird's song from the canary's usual acute treble.

"'I'm doubting, Maria,' I say to 'er," Mr. Punt resumed. "No longer ago than this very morning I say it--'I'm doubting whether I did ought to call that 'ere bird a 'Artz Mountain roller,' I say to 'er--me meaning, o' course, as the 'Artz Mountains being, as some thinks, in Germany, that pussons wouldn't so much as go to look at a canary as called 'isself a 'Artz Mountain bird, as it might be a German bird, for all as 'e'd never a-bin no nearer Germany than the Royal Road, Chelsea, not never since 'e chip 'is little shell, 'e 'aven't.

"So I ask 'er the question, doubting like, and she up and say, all saucy as a jay-bird, 'Why, certainly you didn't ought to call 'im so,' she say.

"'Question is, Maria,' I says, 'in that case what did I ought to call 'im?'

"'And I can tell yer that too, Dad,' she say--Maria did. 'You didn't ought to call 'im 'Artz Mountain roller, but ha-Hartz Mountain roller. That's the way to call 'im,' she says--impident little 'ussy! But there--what's in a name, as the white blackbird said when 'e sat on a wooden milestone eating a red blackberry? Still, 'e weren't running a live-stock emporium, I expect, when 'e ask such a question as that 'ere. There's a good deal in 'ow you call a bird, or a dawg or a guinea-pig neither, if you want to pass 'im on to a customer in a honest way o' trade."

I assured Mr. Punt I had not a doubt of it.

"But I shall be a-practisin' my haitches, Sir," he promised me, as I went out with the canary seed which I had called to purchase--"practise 'em 'ard, I shall. It's what I ain't a-got at the present moment--'a fine ear for the haspirate.' Beeutiful expression that, Sir, if you'll excuse me sayin' so. But I don't see no reason as a man mightn't 'ope to acquire it, 'im practising constant and careful--same as a pusson can learn a bullfinch to pipe ''Ome, sweet 'Ome.' That haitch is a funny letter, but it's a letter as I shall practise. Still, haitches or no haitches," he concluded, with a profound sigh, "I wish as I knowed 'ow I could set about coming it over that 'ere one-legged widder lidy at Putney what 'ave the two great hauk's eggs."

Out of the dusty twilight in the far end of the shop Mrs. Punt's eye gleamed balefully.

* * * * *

BLIGHTY IMPRESSIONS.

THE BARBER.

I went into a tobacco-shop, tendered a pound note and asked for a packet of cigarettes and a box of matches. With much regret and a smiling face, she informed me she had the goods but no change.

What a dilemma! A shop with cigarettes and matches, but I couldn't spare a pound note for them.

An inspiration!--I would go into the hairdressing establishment behind the shop, have a shave--which I really didn't need--obtain change and make my purchase. Besides, with so many barbers closed owing to the strike, it was an opportunity.

This is what happened.

"Good morning, Sir. Your turn next but six."

A long, long interval.

"Shave, Sir? Lovely weather we're having. Razor all right, Sir?"

I said as little as possible; it is the only safe thing.

"Face massage, Sir?"

"No, thanks," I mumbled.

"Wonderful thing for the face, Sir; make a new man of you. Invigorates the circulation, improves the complexion--"

"Oh, all right," I gasped.

And then for about twenty minutes snatches of conversation floated to me through bundles of wet towels. My head was having a Turkish bath. My face was covered with ointments and creams. Currents of electricity played about my brow.

"Just trim your hair, Sir?"

I swear I said "No," but before I knew what was happening the scissors were running merrily over my head.

"Singeing, Sir?"

"Er--no. I--"

"Finest thing in the world, Sir. It's a treat to see hair like this. Just a bit 'endy,' but singeing will soon put that right."

Even had I been blind I should have discovered that I was undergoing the process.

"What would you like for the shampoo, Sir? Eau de Quinine--Violet--"

"I don't think--"

My feeble protest was cut short.

"I always recommend Violet," he said, sprinkling my head profusely.

More rubbing, more towels, more electricity and finally a brush and comb.

"I've a hair-lotion here, Sir--"

"No, thank you."

I meant it.

He helped me on with my coat, brushed off a deal of imaginary dust, said something about skin softeners and bath requisites, but I'd had enough for one morning, and I was yearning to get those cigarettes and have a smoke.

I tendered my pound note.

He took it, and with his best smile said--

"Another sixpence, Sir, please."

* * * * *

* * * * *

BLIMP!

There are many things Dora kept dark That she's now letting into the light, And to-day an astounding aerial barque Has suddenly sailed into sight; But its past makes no sympathies burn, And its future leaves interest limp, Compared with the rapture I feel when I learn That its name is the Blimp.

Who gave it its title, and why? Was it old EDWARD LEAR from the grave? Since Jumblies in Blimps would be certain to fly When for air they abandon the wave. Was it dear LEWIS CARROLL, perhaps Sent his phantom to christen the barque, Since a Blimp is the obvious vessel for chaps When hunting a snark?

And to-day, in the first-fruits of joy, I scarcely believe it is true That Blimp is a word we shall one day employ As lightly as now Bakerloo; And my reason refuses to jump To the fact that a man, not an imp, Can flash through the other and land with a bump From a trip in a Blimp.

* * * * *

"It needs no very profound knowledge of the politics of South-Western Europe to surmise that neither Rumania nor Greece would lend military assistance of this kind without being promised something in return.--_Manchester Guardian_.

But a rather more profound knowledge of the geography might be useful.

* * * * *

THE OLD INVINCIBLE.

It is late in the day to draw attention to Mr. Punch as a prophet. Everyone knows that his eyes have always discerned the farthest horizon. None the less it is pleasant now and again to succumb to the temptation of saying "I told you so," and especially when it is the finger of a friendly reader that points the way to the Sage's triumph. Were we in the habit of quoting from past numbers, as many of our contemporaries do, we should print the following paragraph from the issue of September 2nd, 1871:--

"A REAL DANGER.

"'According to _Le Havre_, about forty Prussian officers in mufti leave Dieppe every morning for England, their object being to visit the military establishments of Great Britain.'

"Here at last is an actual invasion! Prussian officers landing on our defenceless shores, on the transparently flimsy pretext of making themselves acquainted with our military establishments, at the rate (excluding Sundays) of 240 a week, or in this present September, of 1,080 a month, or, amazing and terrifying total, of 12,520 a year! We commend this startling announcement to the attention of the Cabinet (Parliament, unfortunately, is not sitting), the Commander-in-Chief, the War Office, the Commanders of all Volunteer Corps, the Author of 'The Battle of Dorking,' _Sergeant Blower_, and _Cheeks the Marine_."

* * * * *

* * * * *

THE SAUSAGE ROLL.

THE VERY LATEST DANCE.

[To any English composer who has not yet contributed to the wave of music and dance which is now sweeping the country the writer offers the following as the basis of an entirely new and original dance, strictly national in character and full of that quaint old rustic, not to say aboriginal, grace which distinguishes modern dance-music.]

Oh say, won't you stay down-away at the Sausage Farm? It's a scream, it wouldn't seem you could dream such perfect ch-e-arm; You can bet that Jazz'll be beat to a frazzle, And the old Fox Trot'll be a pale green mottle, When they gauge what's the rage of the age at the Sausage Farm. (CRASH! BANG! TINKLE!)

_Come along, you'll be wrong if you miss that Sausage Roll._ _Every pig does the jig, for he's in this heart and so-ul:_ _See the old sow shout, "What about my litter?"_ _But she dries those tears when she hears, poor crittur,_ _That they're all at the Ball in the Soss-Soss-Sausage Roll._ (TZING! BOOM! The lights go out.)

Oh, haste, life's a waste till you're based at the Sausage Farm, Where the dog and the hog and the frog go arm-in-arm; And the farm-yard bosses can all do Sosses; The old man's crazy, and his poor Aunt Maisie, Over this hit of bliss (have a kiss) at Sausage Farm. (CLATTER! BUMP! The walls begin to crack.)

_Come a-quick, you'll be sick if you miss that Sausage Roll,_ _For the cow does it now and the cat we can't contro-ol,_ _And I heard as she purred, "Oh, I've found my kittens,_ _You could bet they'd get with the best-born Britons,_ _For they're all at the Ball in the Soss-Soss-Sausage Roll."_ (CRASH! BANG! The roof falls in.)

A.P.H.

* * * * *

A TALL ORDER.

"SHANGHAI MUNICIPAL COUNCIL POLICE FORCE.--Police recruits are now required. Applicants must be unmarried, of good physique, with sound teeth, about 20 to 25 years of age, not less than 57 ft. 10 in. in height."--_Weekly Paper_.

* * * * *

"Lloyd's agent at Chriseiansund telegraphs that wreckage marked 'Wilson Line' drifted ashore near Switzerland."--_Provincial Paper_.

Following the WILSON line the seas appear to be already behaving with unusual freedom.

* * * * *

"'George Eliot' (Mary Ann Evans), the gifted Warwickshire authoress, who wrote 'Adam Bede' and several other popular works."--_Daily Telegraph_.

We have noticed the name from time to time, and we are glad to know who "GEORGE ELIOT" was.

* * * * *

From a "multiple shop" catalogue:--

"SMOKING ROOM.--The decorations are well worth a special note, and are quite unique of their kind, being without a match anywhere."

Surely not "unique." We know a lot of smoking-rooms equally matchless.

* * * * *

* * * * *

* * * * *

A NEW SCHOOL.

An evening newspaper informs its readers that arrangements are being made for "a school for M.P.'s"--"a weekly meeting of Unionist M.P.'s new to Parliamentary life, who will receive instruction in the forms of the House. They will be taught how to address the SPEAKER, how to frame a question," and so forth.

This intelligence is of particular interest in that it conveys an admission that our new M.P.'s do not know everything.

Interviewed by a correspondent, Mr. Raleigh Quawe, the able young educationist, who, it is understood, is watching the experiment with some concern, said, "While I do not wish to seem to be giving away too much to the gloom of youth, I cannot help feeling that the school may be run on wrong lines unless the greatest care is exercised. Will the opportunity be taken for testing methods which have been so disastrously absent hitherto from our public school system? I would urge those in authority to put away the old formulæ, and to ensure the introduction of a right spirit in the school by the appointment of young masters endowed with vision and enthusiasm.

"I hope that the worship of sport will not be encouraged. I was never one who believed that our battles have been won on the playing-fields of Westminster. I am confident that I am not alone in the hope that the old games at Westminster will be abandoned.

"It is most important that there should be no suppression of the emotional nature. Rob politics of emotion and the newspapers are not worth reading; and it must not be forgotten that what Westminster does to-day is read of by the British Empire to-morrow. No effort should be spared to awaken the artistic sense of the pupils. If the pictures and sculptures in and about the corridors of the Houses of Parliament are not enough, let others be prepared. No expense should be spared. For my part I see no reason why a little music should not be introduced occasionally.

"Freedom of opinion should also be encouraged. One fault of our educational system has been its tendency to produce mass-thinking. This will never do among our Unionist Members of Parliament. Yes, I would even advocate that some of the seniors should be allowed to read _The Herald_ if they wished to do so, and I question whether _The Nation_ would do any of them any harm."

* * * * *

COMMERCIAL CANDOUR.

Notice in a watchmaker's window:--

"No repairs except to watches recently purchased."

Advertisement in Provincial Paper:--

"WALK IN,

But you will be happier when you go out."

* * * * *

"An extraordinary plague of rats prevails on the Sheffield Corporation rubbish tips at Killamarsh. The rodents have constructed beaten tracks eight inches wide, extending to corn stacks on a local farm, where they have wrought munch havoc."--_Local Paper_.

Quite the right epithet, we feel sure.

* * * * *

"We make a speciality of gorillas and chimpanzees. They are wonderfully intelligent and can be trained right up to the human standard in all except speech. One of our directors, Mr. ----, and his wife are both able to only be tamed to live in captivity."--_Irish Paper_.

A perusal of the above paragraph is said to have stimulated Mr. ----'s gift of speech in a startling degree.

* * * * *

* * * * *

FATHER THAMES TALKS.

One day last week, it might be Wed- nesday, or even Friday, A day not yet entirely dead, A shortly-doomed-to-die day, The Naiad who lay stretched in dream Awoke and gave a shiver-- The Naiad who has charge of stream And rivulet and river.