Chapter 3

A limited number of openings are offered to any who care to act as batmen to unemployed munition-workers.

A doctor is in future to be kept at every Labour Exchange to render first-aid to those who should be offered a situation.

Applicants are requested not to tease the officials.

* * * * *

JARGON.

From a speech at a Medical conference:--

"He was ashamed of the term 'shell-shock.' It was a bad word, and should be wiped out of the vocabulary of every scientific man. It was really molecular abnormality of the nervous system, characterised by abnormal reactions to ordinary stimuli."--_Daily Paper_.

We must try to remember this.

* * * * *

A MODEST ESTIMATE.

From a publisher's advertisement:--

"Baroness Orczy has laid the world under a fresh debt of gratitude. 7/- net."--"_Times" Literary Supplement_.

* * * * *

"The question one could naturally put is, 'Has the millennium arrived, when the lion and the lamb shall lay together?'"--_Monthly Paper_.

Let's hope, at all events, that the produce won't be a cockatrice's egg.

* * * * *

"This is the anniversary of the death of Robert Southey in 1843. Perhaps his most celebrated poem is the delightful 'Ode to a Skylark,' the beginning of which 'Hail to thee, blithe spirit,' is known to every school child."--_New York Evening Journal_.

It seems that Truth still stands in need of propaganda in America.

* * * * *

* * * * *

FINANCIAL INTELLIGENCE.

The decision of _The Westminster Gazette_ to return to its old figure of a penny must not be taken as a sign that prices generally are coming down. On the contrary there is every indication that they are rising and will still rise, as the following symptomatic scraps of news, gathered from all parts of the country, go to prove:--

The First Commissioner of Oaths states that "twopenny damns" will, until further notice, be eight-pence each.

* * * * *

A schoolmaster in Birmingham who propounded the old question about a herring and a half costing three half-pence has been put under restraint as a dangerous lunatic.

* * * * *

If the information that reaches us from a little bird is correct, a boycott of sparrows is in progress, owing to their inveterate habit of saying, "Cheep! Cheep!"

* * * * *

Mr. HEINEMANN announces that, as a concession to modern susceptibilities, he has decided to alter the title of Mr. HERGESHEIMER'S successful novel, _The Three Black Pennys_ to _The Three Black Half-crowns._

* * * * *

All guinea-pigs and guinea-fowls will from the present date onwards be two guineas.

* * * * *

In the best profiteering circles cigars are now lighted with spills made of one-pound, notes, instead of, as during the war, ten-shilling ones.

* * * * *

A well-known orchestral leader states that there is a serious movement afoot to popularise "The Dear Home Land" as an encore for the National Anthem.

* * * * *

The legal profession has long been concerned by the fact that lawyers' fees remain so fixed in a world given over to flux. It has now been decided that, although the fees shall remain the same, less value shall be given. For six-and-eightpence a solicitor will in future give only half his attention, by listening with only one ear.

* * * * *

COMMERCIAL CANDOUR.

"EGGS FOR SALE.

"Why go out of ---- to be swindled? Come to the ---- Poultry Farm."

* * * * *

"IN MY GARDEN.

"April 4.--Now is a suitable time to saw sweet peas."--_Daily Mirror._

When the stalks are very strong we always use an axe.

* * * * *

L'ALLEGRO.

Haste thee, Peace, and bring with thee Food and old festivity, Bread and sugar white as snow, The bacon that we used to know, Apples cheap, and eggs and meat, Dainty cakes with icing sweet, And in thy right hand lead with thee The mountain nymph (not much U.P.). Come, and sip it as you go, And let my not-too-gouty toe Join the dance with them and thee In sweet unrationed revelry; While the grocer, free of care, Bustles blithe and debonair, And the milkman lilts his lay, And the butcher beams all day, And every warrior tells his tale Over the spicy nut-brown ale. Peace, if thou canst really bring These delights, _do_ haste, old thing.

* * * * *

"WINTER SPORTS IN FRANCE.--Sledges were constructed out of empty ration-boxes, whilst the old flappers used for dispersing poison-gas from dug-outs did duty as snow-shoes."--_Daily Paper_.

The young flappers were no doubt better engaged.

* * * * *

PINK GEORGETTE.

Joyce, at breakfast that morning, had announced firmly that if I really loved her I would take the pattern up to town with me and "see what I could do." What she failed to realise was that, if I ventured alone into the midst of so intimately feminine a world as Bibby and Renns' for the purpose of matching stuff called Pink Georgette, I should become practically incapable of doing anything at all.

The only redeeming feature about the whole nerve-racking business was that he found me as soon as he did.

"Good afternoon, Sir," he said in a most ingratiating voice. "What can we have the pleasure of showing you, Sir?"

He was tall and handsome, with a perfectly waxed moustache and a faultless frock-coat. He bowed before me with a sort of solicitous curve to his broad shoulders, and the way he massaged one hand with the other had a highly soothing effect.

"Pink georgette, Sir? Certainly, Sir." To my inexpressible relief he seemed to consider it the most likely request in the world.

A moment before I had been drifting hopelessly, in a state of most acute self-consciousness. But with him to guide me I set off quite boldly.

At what proved to be exactly the right spot he paused.

"Miss Robinson," he called; "pink georgette."

With a polite introductory wave of the hand he motioned me towards the lady. He hovered about, near by, whilst I opened the bit of tissue-paper containing the pattern and murmured my needs to Miss Robinson. His very presence gave me confidence.

When it was all over he came up and led me away. As we emerged into the stronger light near the door I peered at him closely. Then I touched him on the arm and beckoned him behind a couple of Paris models.

I took hold of his hand and wrung it fervently.

"Sergeant Steel," I said, "you always _did_ have the knack of being in exactly the right spot at the right moment. I haven't set eyes on you since that very hot day in '16, when you brought up the remnants of 14 platoon and pulled me out of that tight corner at Guillemont. That was a valuable bit of work, Sergeant, but nothing to this--simply nothing!"

The solicitous curve had straightened out from his broad shoulders. His hands had ceased their soothing massage. His heels were together, his arms glued to his sides, his eyes glaring at a fixed point directly over the top of my head.

"Thought it was you, Sir, as soon as I saw you. But of course I wasn't going to say anything till you did." It was not the ingratiating voice now, but that rasping half-whisper he always used for nocturnal conferences in the front line. "Never heard anything of you, Sir, since you went down with a Blighty after Guillemont. Beg your pardon, Sir, but you looked a bit windy as you came in just now, so I thought I'd keep in support.... Yes, Sir, got my ticket last month--only been back on my old job a fortnight."

I tapped the parcel that Miss Robinson's own fair hands had made up for me.

"This a good issue, Sergeant?" I said. "Sound and reliable and all that?"

"Couldn't be better, Sir. I had my eye on her. We only drew it ourselves lately. That's the stuff to give 'em. You can safely carry on with that, Sir ... a perfect match ... exquisite blending of colour ... those art shades are to be very fashionable this season, I assure you, Sir."

Imperceptibly his hands had resumed their massage, the solicitous curve had returned to his broad shoulders, his voice was ingratiating again.

"We have a large range of all the daintiest materials. I believe our charmeuse, ninons and crêpe-de-Chines to be unrivalled in town, Sir. A little damp under foot to-day, Sir, but warmer, I think--distinctly warmer. Yes, Sir. Thank you, Sir, _Good_ day, Sir."

And Sergeant Steel (D.C.M. and four chevrons) bowed me into the street.

* * * * *

* * * * *

LITERARY GOSSIP.

MR. WELLS has a new volume of collected Prefaces coming out this week, with an Introduction and an Epilogue by Sir HARRY JOHNSTON. It will be remembered that in _Joan and Peter_, a comparatively early work of Mr. WELLS--it was published, if our memory serves us, before the Armistice--handsome acknowledgment was made of Sir HARRY JOHNSTON'S administrative ability and high aims; and it is pleasant to know that in the long interval that has elapsed nothing has occurred to modify their mutual admiration.

* * * * *

The firm of Black and Green will shortly publish Lord DYSART'S monumental monograph on _China Tea: the Universal Antidote._ Lord DYSART establishes the remarkable fact that the word "dyspepsia" was practically unknown until the introduction of Indian and Ceylon tea. Mr. WELLS, who contributes an illuminating Preface, points out that the troubles of Russia are entirely due to the cutting off of the supplies of caravan tea from China (the leading Bolshevists prefer vodka to tea in any form) and the consequent recourse to inferior synthetic substitutes. The rival merits of cream, milk and lemon are carefully discussed both from the gustatory and hygienic standpoint, Mr. WELLS pronouncing in favour of lemon, in which idiosyncrasy he resembles Mr. CONRAD and Mr. GALSWORTHY. The volume is richly illustrated with pictures of rare tea-pots, tea-caddies and samovars, and contains a set of humorous verses dedicated to the author by Mr. T. LEIF JONES.

* * * * *

The Right Hon. REGINALD MCKENNA'S new book, _The Proud Podsnaps_, will be his first novel, and we hear it is to be humorous. His distinguished relative, Mr. STEPHEN MCKENNA, Mr. WELLS and Mr. HERBERT JENKINS have all written encouraging Prefaces to it; and Master ANTHONY ASQUITH has added two essays on commercial aviation and a couple of brilliant caricatures of Mr. LLOYD GEORGE and Mr. WINSTON CHURCHILL.

* * * * *

Mr. HAROLD BEGBIE'S _Life of the Kaiser_ is already far advanced, but he has laid it on one side in order to collaborate with Sir ARTHUR CONAN DOYLE in the authoritative biography of Sir OLIVER LODGE. It is understood that of the chapters dealing with the physiognomy and phrenological aspect of the subject Mr. HAROLD BEGBIE will be exclusively responsible for those on the frontal regions of Sir OLIVER'S cranium, while Sir ARTHUR CONAN DOYLE will devote himself to the occipital Hinterland. In this way it is hoped that the whole area, which is enormous, will be adequately covered. The book will be published by Messrs. Odder and Odder at 10s. 6d.; but a limited number of copies, with special tambourine and planchette attachments, will be available at £2 2s.

* * * * *

To the list of biographies of the PRIME MINISTER already published or in contemplation there remains to be added one by an author who veils his identity under the pseudonym of "Mount Carmel." It will bear the title, _Lloyd George_--_Saint or Dragon_? and will be prefaced by an introduction by Mr. Stickham Weed, in which that eminent publicist discusses the antagonism of the Celtic temperament to Jugo-Slav ideals. The book will be published at Fontainebleau.

* * * * *

The new Cardiff firm of Jenkins and Jones announce a novel from the pen of Mr. Caradoc Blodwen, who had to fly from his native village last year owing to the realistic picture he gave of local life in _The Home of the Squinting Widows_. It is to be called _Taffy was a Thief_; and those who have had the privilege of seeing early copies of the book, which Mr. Blodwen wrote during his seclusion amongst the Hairy Ainus, describe it as lurid in the extreme.

* * * * *

Mr. Cuthbert Skrimshanks's new novel is being looked forward to expectantly by those who admire the vital and distinguished artistry of his work. The author, it will be remembered, was employed in a firm of ginger-beer bottlers before he took to literature, and Mr. WELLS, who contributes a Preface, dwells happily on the stimulating and phosphorescent quality which his literary work owes to his employment, and contrasts it favourably with the flatness of Eton "Pop."

* * * * *

Yet another Shakspearean volume, which promises to be of engrossing interest, has been written by Lord BLEDISLOE. It is to be called _Bacon and Hamlet_, and Sir THOMAS LIPTON has contributed an Introduction, in which the organisation of the food supply in the Elizabethan age is exhaustively described. This exhaustive work, which is dedicated to General STORRS, the Governor of Jerusalem, will be published by Messrs. FORTNUM and MASON.

* * * * *

* * * * *

"C'EST LA GUERRE."

A brace of chemists' labels:--

This preparation is issued in amber glass pots, as a War Emergency Measure, when white glass is not available owing to shortage."

"War Bottle. Amber glass is not obtainable just now, so we have to use white glass. May we ask you to grant us your kind indulgence under the circumstances?"

* * * * *

"A bullet fired at a pig from a humane killer, struck the wall of a Merthyr Tydvil slaughterhouse, ricochetted and wounded a butcher's manager."--_Daily Paper_.

The victim regards the name of the instrument as most inept.

* * * * *

"Lord Salvesen, the presiding judge, arrived in Aberdeen on Monday night, and gave a winner in the Palace Hotel."--_Sunday Paper_.

We hope to meet him in London before the Derby.

* * * * *

POLLY.

_(With acknowledgments to Mr. KIPLING.)_

I went into a private 'ouse to get a place as cook; The lady ups an' greets me with a most angelic look: "I've just been makin' tea," she sez, "I 'opes as you will try These little scones wot I 'ave baked;" and to myself sez I: "It was Polly this, an' Polly that, an' 'Polly, scrub the floor,' But it's 'If you please, Miss Perkins,' since we won the bloomin' War; We won the bloomin' War, my girls, we won the bloomin' War, It's 'If you please, Miss Perkins,' since we won the bloomin' War."

The lady she was out to please; we talked about the weather, An' when the tea was done we smoked a cigarette together, An' then we talked o' jazzin' an' the BILLIE CARLETON case, An' so we come in course o' time to talkin' o' the place.

"You won't mind cookin' lunch?" sez she. Sez I, "Without a doubt, On Toosdays an' on Fridays, which they ain't my 'alf-days out; An' dinner, too, I'll manage"--'ere the lady give a grin-- "On Mondays an' on Thursdays, which they 'll be my evenings in."

"An' wot about the breakfast?" "Don't you worry, mum," sez I, "I'm willin' to oblige you every single blessed dye, Bar Sundays, when my young man comes; 'e's such a bloomin' toff, 'E takes me up the river, so I takes the 'ole day off."

"That's excellent," the lady sez, "I'll easy do the rest, So if you come, Miss Perkins, you will be our honoured guest, For Mr. Vere de Vere an' I do all we can an' more To please the splendid women wot 'ave bin an' won the War."

Well, seein' as the lady seemed to 'ave the proper view, I took the situation an' I 'opes as it will do. Of course there may be drawbacks, but you can't get _all_ you wish, For aprons ain't quite overalls an' cookin' ain't munish. It was Polly this, an' Polly that, an' "Ugh! the mutton's red;" But it's "_Won't_ you come, Miss Perkins?" now we're paid to stay in bed; An' it's Polly this, an' Polly that, an' anythink you please; An' Polly ain't a bloomin' fool--you bet that Polly sees!

* * * * *

"LES BEAUX ESPRITS SE RENCONTRENT."

"Persons expressing unpopular views (by which I mean views opposed to such patriots as Horatio Bottomley, Colonel Lowther, and our own hon. and gallant member of Parliament, et hog genus omne)."--_Letter in "The Daily News_."

"There have been more pig posts than there have been big men able to fill them.--Mr. Bonar Law."--_Bristol Times and Mirror_.

* * * * *

From an article on the Zeebrugge exploit:--

"An on-shore wind was needed to carry the fog-screen in advance of the blockships. Absence of fog was essential. A fog would be beneficial. These desiderata postulated a concurrence of favourable conditions, and on April 23 they were not all present."--_Cologne Post_.

We gather that the Censor, shortly to be demobilised at home, still maintains his watch on the Rhine.

* * * * *

CRITICISM IN EXCELSIS.

There was a good deal of excitement in the Elysian Fields when the news went round that the Committee had exercised their power of electing a certain distinguished Shade to full membership of the Asphodel Club without a ballot. The general opinion seemed to be that the Committee had acted wisely, and that the election was in every way justified. A few members, however, expressed disapproval, not so much on account of any demerits of his own as of the effect that his election might produce on the sensitive minds of some who were already members.

"This Dr. SAMUEL JOHNSON," said one who had been busy in canvassing opinions, "is fully qualified for membership, but I fear he may have a deleterious effect on JOHN MILTON and THOMAS GRAY. Did he not roughly criticise them in his _Lives of the Poets_, and do you think that MILTON is one who will sit down tamely under the affront? MILTON has been for years and is still one of our most distinguished members. Indeed, he has almost the standing amongst us of a highly-respected Bishop. He uses the Club a great deal, and I fear his comfort will be much reduced by the admission of one who regards his poetry with a hostile eye."

"In what way," said another, "has the denouncer of SALMASIUS become entitled to complain of rough attacks? Nor has his character been assailed. In that he remains episcopal. Only in his poetry is he made to suffer."

"But he is made to suffer pretty heavily," said a third. "Hear what JOHNSON said with regard to our friend's _Lycidas_:--

"'One of the poems on which much praise has been bestowed is _Lycidas_; of which the diction is harsh, the rhymes uncertain and the numbers unpleasing. What beauty there is we must therefore seek in the sentiments and images. It is not to be considered as the effusion of real passion; for passion runs not after remote allusions and obscure opinions. Passion plucks no berries from the myrtle and ivy, nor calls upon Arethuse and Mincius, nor tells of rough _satyrs_ and _fauns with cloven heel_. Where there is leisure for fiction there is little grief.

"'In this poem there is no nature for there is no truth; there is no art for there is nothing new. Its form is that of a pastoral: easy, vulgar and therefore disgusting.'

"Do you call that criticism?"

"Ah, but listen," said another and much agitated Shade, "to what he says of our respected THOMAS GRAY. The Committee must have forgotten how it goes:--

"These odes are marked by glittering accumulation of ungraceful ornaments; they strike rather than please; the images are magnified by affectation, the language is laboured into harshness. The mind of the writer seems to work with unnatural violence. _Double, double, toil and trouble_. He has a kind of strutting dignity and is tall by walking on tiptoe."

The agitated Shade was about to proceed further with his protest when a sound of cheering stopped him. And lo and behold! an approving throng was circling round the new member, and in the thick of it were JOHN MILTON and THOMAS GRAY.

* * * * *

"FOR THIS RELIEF," ETC.

From a Girl Guides' report:--

"The thanks of the Association are due to the following ladies who have resigned...."

* * * * *

"Sir George Newman and Mr. Philip Snowden have resigned their membership of the Central Control Board" (Liquor Traffic).

"Caruso has sung at 550 performances."--_Evening Paper_.

All the same, there seems to have been a lack of harmony.

* * * * *

* * * * *

OUR BOOKING-OFFICE.

_(By Mr. Punch's Staff of Learned Clerks.)_

_My War Experiences in Two Continents_ (MURRAY) is made up of the diary and letters of Miss MACNAUGHTAN, written during her search for work that might help in the great Task. The book, it is sad to say, must serve as her memorial to those many whom she has amused by her bright and wholesome stories. Worn out by labours and quests beyond her strength she fell sick at Teheran in 1916 and returned to England to die. In 1914 she had done fine service with her soup-kitchen in Flanders, where her energy and almost too tender sympathy had full scope and the reward of good work accomplished. She seemed also to be happy in her lecture tour on her return to England, trying to arouse the sluggish-minded to a sense of the gravity of the business. But in her Russian and Persian adventure it is clear that she was deeply disappointed at feeling herself unwanted and useless in a region of waste and muddle. It is probable that for all her courage and unselfish devotion she was too sensitive to the suffering she encountered ever to attain the routine indifference which makes work among such horrors possible. Her deep religious convictions aggravated rather than eased that suffering. She was honestly old-fashioned and never took quite kindly to the khaki-breeched free-spoken young women of the subsidiary war services, had a hatred of muddle and was a little severe on men, though acknowledging that "young men are the kindest members of the human race." True this, I should say, who am no longer young. "The war is fine, _fine_, FINE, though I don't get near the fineness except in the pages of _Punch_." Charming of her to say that.

* * * * *