Chapter 1

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PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.

VOL. 153.

OCTOBER 24, 1917.

CHARIVARIA.

Those who think that people in high positions live a life of ease and comfort received a rude shock last week. It is said that, while visiting the Royal Enfield Works canteen, the Duke of CONNAUGHT drank two glasses of Government ale.

***

Britons have no monopoly of pluck, it seems. Last week a Basuto soldier attached to a labour battalion offered the LORD MAYOR'S coachman a cigarette.

***

Two German bankers, formerly of London, have been arrested in New York as dangerous aliens. Neither of them is a member of our Privy Council.

***

It is understood that the Spanish Government has addressed a note to the Allies explaining that all possible precautions will have been taken against the forthcoming escape of U23.

***

The PREMIER has received the magnificent gold casket containing the freedom of the City of London conferred on him last April. A momentary excitement was caused by the rumour that the Corporation had thrown off all restraint and filled it with tea.

***

A Brigadier-General has been fined for shooting game on Sunday in Hampshire. Sir DOUGLAS HAIG, we understand, has generously arranged to close down the War on the first Wednesday in every month, in order that the Higher Command may assist in supplying the hospitals with game.

***

Seven lunatics have escaped from a South Wales Asylum. It is assumed that they got away by disguising themselves as German prisoners.

***

It has been decided that Counsel may appear before the High Court dressed as Special Constables. It seems almost certain that this news was withheld from Sir JOHN SIMON until he had definitely consented to join Sir DOUGLAS HAIG'S Staff.

***

Two million pounds of jam per week, "the greater part strawberry," are being, it is stated, delivered to the Army. Only the fact that the Army Service Corps' labels all happen to be "plum and apple" prevents the stuff being distributed to our brave troops.

***

Attempts to destroy livestock destined for the Allies are being investigated, says a New York paper. Only a few days ago, it will be remembered, a certain Legation discovered that its seals had been tampered with.

***

It is announced that the War Office has taken over "the greater part" of the new London County Hall. Our casualties were insignificant.

***

We are sorry to say that Mr. CHARLES HAWTREY'S latest success, _The Saving Grace_, is not dedicated to Sir ARTHUR YAPP.

***

There is no foundation for the report that the recent postponement of the production of _Cash on Delivery_ at the Palace was due to the fact that a new joke was alleged to have been let loose in Mr. Justice DARLING'S court.

***

Extravagant funerals have been condemned by Sir JOHN PAGET at the Law Society Appeal Tribunal, and undertakers are complaining that in consequence many of their best customers have decided to postpone their interment till better times.

***

"Cats should be brought inside the house during air-raids," says the Feline Defence League. When left on the roof they are liable to be mistaken for aerial torpedoes.

***

According to the _Cologne Gazette_ German soldiers on the Western Front have formed "Wilhelm Clubs," the members of which are compelled on oath to undertake the work of gaining information about the British lines. We understand that the terms for life-membership are most moderate.

***

A German prisoner named BOLDT has escaped from Leigh internment camp. It is stated that he would have experienced no additional difficulty in escaping if he had been called by any other name.

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"We want no patched-up peace," says Mr. RAMSAY MACDONALD. But if the assaults upon pacifist meetings continue we feel sure there will be some patched-up peacemongers.

***

Twopenny dinners are the speciality at a Northern munition works' canteen. We have long been used to twopenny meals, but of course much more was charged for them.

***

There appears to be no truth in the report that a burglar has been fined for infringing the Defence of the Realm Regulations by using an unshaded lantern.

***

An application is to be made to the LORD CHANCELLOR for a County Court for the Hendon district, though a contemporary remarks that it is doubtful whether there is sufficient work to be done there. But surely this is just the sort of case that could be met by a little judicious advertising.

***

Parliament is to be asked to pass a vote of thanks to the Naval and Military Forces of the Crown. And it is thought that the latter will reciprocate by thanking Parliament for giving them such a jolly little war.

***

Much concern has been caused by the announcement that bees are entirely without winter stocks. We have pleasure in recording a gallant but unavailing attempt to remedy the situation on the part of two dear old ladies, who thought the paper said "socks."

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* * * * *

PUNCH'S ROLL OF HONOUR.

We regret to hear that Captain E.G.V. KNOX, Lincolnshire Regiment, has been wounded. The many friends of "Evoe" will wish him a speedy and complete recovery.

* * * * *

"Batches of one of its regiments were in such a hurry to get out of the Ypres front when relieved by the 92nd Regiment that they left without giving the newcomers infor-[inverted type: mation about the line or state of their flanks.]"--_Scots Paper_.

The line seems to have been seriously disorganised in consequence.

* * * * *

PRATT'S TOURS OF THE FRONT.

THE LAST WORD IN SENSATION.

By special arrangement Pratt's are able to offer their patrons unique opportunities of witnessing the stirring events of the Great Struggle.

Don't miss it; you may never see another War.

Come and see Tommy at work and play.

Come and be _shelled_--a genuine thrill! Same as during London's Air-raids, but less danger.

At the conclusion of the Tour patrons will be presented with a Handsome Medal as a souvenir of their exploits.

* * * * *

The following is a list of Tours that Pratt's offer _you_:--

PRATT'S TOURS OF THE BACK.

(ONE WEEK.)

Very cheap. Very safe. Headquarters at the historic town of Amiens.

Itinerary includes: Battlefields of the Somme and Ancre, Bapaume, Arras, Vimy Ridge, Ypres, etc. Guides will take parties round the old British Front lines. The German Defence System will be explained by harmless Huns actually taken at those places.

_SPECIAL ATTRACTIONS._

Lantern Lecture by Captain Crump at Thiepval Château. Recherché Suppers at Serre Sucrerie.

* * * * *

PRATT'S TOURS OF TRENCHES.

(FOUR DAYS.)

See the real thing. Live it yourself. Dine in a dugout. Drink rum as the Tommy drinks it. See Staff Officers at work (if it can be arranged).

_RESTRICTIONS._

I. Loud laughing and talking is discouraged.

II. Sunshades and umbrellas must not be put up when in the front line.

III. Don't talk to the man at the periscope.

_GAS WARNING._

In case of gas put on the respirator; otherwise breathe out continuously.

_SPECIAL ATTRACTION._

Official Photographers in attendance during Christmas week.

If possible visitors will be given the opportunity of witnessing a practice barrage on the Enemy's front line.

Back seats (in ammunition dumps), two guineas. Front seats (firing line), sixpence.

Terms inclusive for the four days, twenty guineas. Good food. Sugar _ad lib_. All reasonable precautions taken. Casualties amongst visitors up to the present, one sick (sugar saturation).

* * * * *

PRATT'S BRIEF TOURS FOR BUSY PEOPLE.

(SATURDAY TO MONDAY.)

Very short. Very moderate terms. Five guineas each tour or three for twelve and a-half. Bring the boy.

_SPECIAL ATTRACTION._

Magnificent Switchback Railway up and down the Messines Mine Craters. Spot where Mr. WINSTON CHURCHILL lost his little Homburg hat under fire will be shown.

* * * * *

THE YPRES CARNIVAL.

(THREE DAYS.)

All the fun of the fair. Souvenirs supplied while you wait.

_SPLENDID SIDE-SHOW FEATURES._

I. How our lads keep fit. Regimental sports. Rivet your sides and see the Bread and Jam Race.

II. Obstacle Race. Lorry _versus_ Staff Car (with French carts, traffic control and G.S. wagons as obstacles). Very amusing. Language real.

_FOR THE YOUNGSTERS._

Pick-a-back rides on the Highland Light Elephantry.

_ACCOMMODATION._

Bedrooms (_en pension_)-- Ground floor.............. One guinea. First floor (below) ...... Three guineas. Second floor (very safe).. Ten guineas.

* * * * *

PRATT'S "BATTLE" TOUR.

Extraordinary offer. Thrills guaranteed.

By special arrangement Pratt's are enabled to offer their patrons a first-class view of the _British Weekly Push_ "Somewhere in France (or Flanders)."

Attention is called to the following specially attractive items (there may be others):--

1. _View of Preliminary Bombardment_ from an absolutely proof 12-inch O.P. The surrounding country and the objectives of the next attack will be explained by a specially trained Staff Officer.

2. _The Battle._

Visitors are earnestly requested to be in time, as space in the Observation Post is limited and late arrivals cause a great deal of discomfort to all. Ladies are respectfully requested to remove their hats.

3. _The Aftermath._

(a) Special Shelters are erected at cross-roads for visitors to witness the getting-up of guns, ammunition, etc., after the attack. Please don't feed the men as they go by or ask the Gunners questions.

(b) Breakfast in Boschland. Lunch in a Listening Post. Supper in a Saphead.

(c) A Special Narrow-gauge Railway will take Visitors to the newly-acquired forward area (not obligatory). This part of the programme is liable to variation.

Terms, fifty guineas. An Insurance Agent is always in attendance. Casualties up to the present, one Conscientious Objector missing, believed joined up.

* * * * *

Bombardments arranged at the shortest notice. For five pounds you can fire a 15-inch. Write for Free Booklet and apply for all particulars to Pratt's Agency, London, Paris, etc., etc.

* * * * *

VISITORS.

When I was very ill in bed The fairies came to visit me; They danced and played around my head, Though other people couldn't see.

Across the end a railing goes With bars and balls and twisted rings, And there they jiggled on their toes And did the wonderfullest things.

They balanced on the golden balls, They jumped about from bar to bar, And then they fluttered to the walls Where coloured birds and roses are.

I watched them darting in and out, I watched them gaily climb and cling, While all the roses moved about And all the birds began to sing.

And when it was no longer light I felt them up my pillows creep, And there they sat and sang all night-- I heard them singing in my sleep.

R.F.

* * * * *

ANOTHER SEX PROBLEM.

"From Lord Rosebery's herd at Mentmore, Mr. Ross got a show cow of the Lady Dorothy family, giving every appearance of being a great milker and a tip-top bull calf."--_Aberdeen Free Press_.

* * * * *

From a German _communiqué_:--

"Our naval forces had encounters with Russian destroyers and gungoats north of Oesel."--_Westminster Gazette_.

The Russian reply to the ewe-boats, we suppose.

* * * * *

"Kugelmann, Ludwig, of Canterbury Road, Canterbury, grocer, has adopted the name of Love Wisdom Power."--_Australian Paper_.

Who said the Germans had no sense of humour?

* * * * *

* * * * *

THE MUD LARKS.

The Babe went to England on leave. Not that this was any new experience for him; he usually pulled it off about once a quarter--influence, and that sort of thing, you know. He went down to the coast in a carriage containing seventeen other men, but he got a fat sleepy youth to sit on, and was passably comfortable. He crossed over in a wobbly boat packed from cellar to attic with Red Tabs invalided with shell shock, Blue Tabs with trench fever, and Green Tabs with brain-fag; Mechanical Transporters in spurs and stocks, jam merchants in revolvers and bowie-knives, Military Police festooned with _pickelhaubes_, and here and there a furtive fighting man who had got away by mistake, and would be recalled as soon as he landed.

The leave train rolled into Victoria late in the afternoon. Cab touts buzzed about the Babe, but he would have none of them; he would go afoot the better to see the sights of the village--a leisurely sentimental pilgrimage. He had not covered one hundred yards when a ducky little thing pranced up to him, squeaking, "Where are your gloves, Sir?" "I always put 'em in cold storage during summer along with my muff and boa, dear," the Babe replied pleasantly. "Moreover, my mother doesn't like me to talk to strangers in the streets, so ta-ta." The little creature blushed like a tea-rose and stamped its little hoof. "Insolence!" it squeaked. "You--you go back to France by the next boat!" and the Babe perceived to his horror that he had been witty to an Assistant Provost-Marshal! He flung himself down on his knees, licking the A.P.M.'s boots and crying in a loud voice that he would be good and never do it again.

The A.P.M. pardoned the Babe (he wanted to save the polish on his boots) on condition that he immediately purchased a pair of gloves of the official cut and hue. The Babe did so forthwith and continued on his way. He had not continued ten yards when another A.P.M. tripped him up. "That cap is a disgrace, Sir!" he barked. "I know it, Sir," the Babe admitted, "and I'm awfully sorry about it; but that hole in it only arrived last night--shrapnel, you know--and I haven't had time to buy another yet. I don't care for the style they sell in those little French shops--do you?"

The A.P.M. didn't know anything about France or its little shops, and didn't intend to investigate; at any rate not while there was a war on there. "You will return to the Front to-morrow," said he. The Babe grasped his hand from him and shook it warmly. "Thank you--thank you, Sir," he gushed; "I didn't want to come, but they made me. I'm from Fiji; have no friends here, and London is somehow so different from Suva it makes my head ache. I am broke and couldn't afford leave, anyway. Thank you, Sir--thank you."

"Ahem--in that case I will revoke my decision," said the A.P.M. "Buy yourself an officially-sanctioned cap and carry on."

The Babe bought one with alacrity; then, having tasted enough of the dangers of the streets for one afternoon, took a taxi, and, lying in the bottom well out of sight, sped to his old hotel. When he reached his old hotel he found it had changed during his absence, and was now headquarters of the Director of Bones and Dripping. He abused the taxi-driver, who said he was sorry, but there was no telling these days; a hotel was a hotel one moment, and the next it was something entirely different. Motion pictures weren't in it, he said.

Finally they discovered a hotel which was still behaving as such, and the Babe got a room. He remained in that room all the evening, beneath the bed, having his meals pushed in to him under the door. A prowling A.P.M. sniffed at the keyhole but did not investigate further, which was fortunate for the Babe, who had no regulation pyjamas.

Next morning, crouched on the bottom boards of another taxi, he was taken to his tailor, poured himself into the faithful fellow's hands, and only departed when guaranteed to be absolutely A.P.M.-proof. He went to the "Bolero" for lunch, ordered some oysters for a start, polished them off and bade the waiter trot up the _consommé_. The waiter shook his head, "Can't be done, Sir. Subaltern gents are only allowed three and sixpenceworth of food and you've already had that, Sir. If we was to serve you with a crumb more, we'd be persecuted under the Trading with the Enemy Act, Sir. There's an A.P.M. sitting in the corner this very moment, Sir, his eyeglass fixed on your every mouthful very suspicious-like--"

"Good Lord!" said the Babe, and bolted. He bolted as far as the next restaurant, had a three-and-sixpenny _entrée_ there, went on to another for sweets, and yet another for coffee and trimmings. These short bursts between courses kept his appetite wonderfully alive.

That afternoon he ran across a lady friend in Bond Street, "a War Toiler enormously interested in the War" (see the current number of _Social Snaps_). She had been at Yvonne's trying on her gauze for the Boccaccio Tableaux in aid of the Armenians and needed some relaxation. So she engaged the Babe for the play, to be followed by supper with herself and her civilian husband. The play (a War-drama) gave the Babe a fine hunger, but the Commissionaire (apparently a Major-General) who does odd jobs outside the Blitz took exception to him. "Can't go in, Sir." "Why not?" the Babe inquired; "my friends have gone in." "Yessir, but no hofficers are allowed to obtain nourishment after 10 p.m. under Defence of the Realm Act, footnote (a) to para. 14004." He leaned forward and whispered behind his glove, "There's a Hay Pee Hem under the portico watching your movements, Sir." The Babe needed no further warning; he dived into his friends' Limousine and burrowed under the rug.

* * * * *

Sometime later the door of the car was opened cautiously and the moon-face of the Major-General inserted itself through the crack. "Hall clear for the moment, Sir; the Hay Pee Hem 'as gorn orf dahn the street, chasin' a young hofficer in low shoes. 'Ere, tyke this; I'm a hold soldier meself." He thrust a damp banana in the Babe's hand and closed the door softly.

Next morning the Babe dug up an old suit of 1914 "civies" and put them on. A woman in the Tube called him "Cuthbert" and informed him gratuitously that her husband, twice the Babe's age, had volunteered the moment Conscription was declared and had been fighting bravely in the Army Clothing Department ever since. Further she supposed the Babe's father was in Parliament and that he was a Conscientious Objector. In Hyde Park one urchin addressed him as "Daddy" and asked him what he was doing in the Great War; another gambolled round and round him making noises like a rabbit. In Knightsbridge a Military Policeman wanted to arrest him as a deserter. The Babe hailed a taxi and, cowering on the floor, fled back to his hotel and changed into uniform again.

That night, strolling homewards in the dark immersed in thought, he inadvertently took a pipe out of his pocket and lit it. An A.P.M. who had been sleuthing him for half-a-mile leapt upon him, snatched the pipe and two or three teeth out of his mouth and returned him to France by the next boat.

* * * * *

His groom, beaming welcome, met him at the railhead with the horses.

"Hello, old thing, cheerio and all the rest of it," Huntsman whinnied lovingly.

Miss Muffet rubbed her velvet muzzle against his pocket. "Brought a lump of sugar for a little girl?" she rumbled.

He mounted her and headed across country, Miss Muffet pig-jumping and capering to show what excellent spirits she enjoyed.

Two brigades of infantry were under canvas in Mud Gully, their cook fires winking like red eyes. The guards clicked to attention and slapped their butts as the Babe went by. A subaltern bobbed out of a tent and shouted to him to stop to tea. "We've got cake," he lured, but the Babe went on.

A red-hat cantered across the stubble before him waving a friendly crop, "Pip" Vibart the A.P.M. homing to H.Q. "Evening, boy!" he holloaed; "come up and Bridge to-morrow night," and swept on over the hillside. A flight of aeroplanes, like flies in the amber of sunset, droned overhead _en route_ for Hunland. The Babe waved his official cap at them: "Good hunting, old dears."

They had just started feeding up in the regimental lines when he arrived; the excited neighing of five hundred horses was music to his ears. His brother subalterns hailed his return with loud and exuberant noises, made disparaging remarks about the smartness of his clothes, sat on him all over the floor and rumpled him. On sighting the Babe, The O'Murphy went mad and careered round the table wriggling like an Oriental dancer, uttering shrill yelps of delight; presently he bounced out of the window, to enter some minutes later by the same route, and lay the offering of a freshly slain rat at his best beloved's feet.

At this moment the skipper came in plastered thick with the mud of the line, nodded cheerfully to his junior sub and instantaneously fell upon the buttered toast.

"Have a good time, Son?" he mumbled. "How's merrie England?"

"Oh, England's all right, Sir," said the Babe, tickling The O'Murphy's upturned tummy--"quite all right; but it's jolly to be home again among one's ain folk."

PATLANDER.

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* * * * *

* * * * *

BEASTS ROYAL.

V.

KING LOUIS' PEACOCK. A.D. 1678.

The paven terrace of Versailles With tub and orange-tree, And Dian's fountain tossed awry, Were planned and made for me; Since no one half so well as I Could grace their symmetry, Nor teach admiring man The genuine pavane.

I know that when King Louis wears A Roman kilt and casque His smile hides many secret tears In ballet and in masque, Since to outshine my pomp appears So desperate a task, And royal robes look pale Beside my noble tail.

With turquoise and with malachite, With bronze and purple pied, I march before him like the night In all its starry pride; LULLI may twang and MOLIÈRE write His pastime to provide, But seldom laughs the KING So much as when I sing.

His fiddles brown and pipes of brass May LULLI now forsake, While I make music on the grass Before the storm-clouds break; He stops his ears and cries "Alas!" Because _he_ cannot make With all his fiddlers fine A melody like mine.

LE BRUN is watching me, I know, His palette on his thumb, To catch the glory and the glow That dazzle as I come; So be it--but let MOLIÈRE go, And LULLI crack his drum; They do but waste their time; Minstrel I am, and mime.

Men say the KING is like the sun, And from his wig they spin The golden webs that, one by one, Draw Spain and Flanders in; He will grow proud ere they have done, A most egregious sin, And one to which my mind Has never yet declined.

* * * * *

QUEER CATTLE.