Chapter 2

_Father._ "WHAT CLASS DID THEY PUT YOU IN COMING ACROSS?"

_Tommy._ "C 6."

* * * * *

HAY FEVER.

That is the twenty-seventh time to-day! What is the use of Nobbs's Nasal Spray? What use my aunt's "unfailing" recipes? There _is_ no anodyne for this disease-- Thirty, I think! Another hanky, please-- A-tish-oo!

The world is gay; the bee bestrides the rose; But I blaspheme and madly blow my nose. For shame, O world! for shame, the heartless bee! Your sweetest blooms are misery to me; And as for that condemned acacia-tree-- A-tish-oo!

Oh, could I roam, contented like the sheep, In sunlit fields where, as it is, I weep; Oh, to be fashioned like the lower classes, Who simply revel in the longest grasses, While I sit lachrymose with coloured glasses-- A-tish-oo!

Fain would I spend my summers high in air; At least there are no privet-hedges there. But even then I have no doubt the smell From slopes celestial of asphodel Would fill the firmament and give me hell-- A-tish-oo!

They tell me 'tis the man of intellect The baneful seeds especially affect; And I that sneeze one million times a year-- I ought to have a notable career, Though, at the price, an earldom would be dear-- A-tish-oo!

Gladly, indeed, to some less gifted swain Would I concede my fine but fatal brain, Could I like him but sniff the jasmine spray Or couch unmoved within a mile of hay, And not explode in this exhausting way-- A-tish-oo!

* * * * *

Wanted, a Faith-healer.

Dear Madam,--We have received your enquiry for Sergeant ----, and wish to inform you that he was transferred to ---- Hospital, suffering from a slightly sceptic toe. Trusting this information may be of some value,

Yours faithfully, ----

* * * * *

"It scarcely seems as if the Premiership of Graf Moritz Esterhazy, with all his Oxford education and the vigour of his thirty-six years, will be able to bruise the serpent's heel."--_Observer_.

The serpent is so beastly cunning; he always sits on it.

* * * * *

"MARRIAGES.--All contemplating Marriage consult Proprietors ---- Matrimonial Bureau, Melbourne, opposite Old Cemetery. Specially erected for the purpose."--_The Age_ (_Melbourne_).

This recalls the description of a famous football-ground in Dublin, "conveniently situated between the Mater Misericordiae Hospital and Glasnevin Cemetery."

* * * * *

"Margaret was clinging to Dick's arm as she walked, looking up adoringly into his handsome, tanned face, with her blue eyes.

A week later Dick led Margaret into Suburban Garden, where he had wooed and won her so long ago.

Dick's voice was very tender as he looked down into two grey eyes."--_Manchester Evening Chronicle_.

If Margaret is not careful to be a little more consistent she will finish with two black eyes.

* * * * *

["National Baby Week" is being celebrated during the current week. The object of the movement is to educate the Mothers of the Nation in the care of their children's health and their own. Universal sympathy will be felt for a cause to which our heavy losses in the War have given an added urgency. Those who desire to give practical help towards the cost of the scheme will kindly address their gifts to the Hon. Treasurer, National Baby Week Council, 6, Holles Street, Oxford Street, W.I.]

* * * * *

ESSENCE OF PARLIAMENT.

_Monday, June 25th_.--Mr. LYNCH is beginning to pine for the return of Lord ROBERT CECIL. He does not quite know what to make of Mr. BALFOUR, who politely represses his honest endeavours to elucidate the situation in Greece, and actually declared to-day that the difficulties of the Allies would only be increased by the hon. Member's attempts to deal with them piecemeal. Mr. LYNCH was not entirely done with, however. "Is that reply," he asked in a "got-him-this-time" manner, "given by reason of freedom of choice or ineludible necessity?" "Sir," replied the apologist of philosophic doubt with Johnsonian authority, "questions of freewill and necessity have perplexed mankind for ages."

The House will be delighted to welcome back to its fold Sir ROBERT HERMAN-HODGE, whose flowing moustaches, once described as "the best definition of infinity," have been, at intervals, its pride and joy for over thirty years. But it will have to wait a while, for--strange lapse on the part of a hero of half-a-dozen contests!--Sir ROBERT had omitted to bring with him the returning-officer's certificate. Lord HALSBURY, delayed by a similar accident on his first appearance in the House forty years ago, systematically turned out the contents of seemingly endless pockets and eventually discovered the missing document in his hat.

At this crisis in Ireland's affairs you might suppose that all good Nationalists would remain in their country, doing their best to make the Convention a success. Mr. DILLON prefers to attack the Government at Westminster, because it proposes to set up a Conference to consider the future composition and powers of the Second Chamber. Was it not, he asked, a breach of privilege to do this without the express consent of the House of Commons? The SPEAKER thought not, and referred his questioner to the preamble of the Parliament Act of 1911, in which such action was distinctly contemplated. Mr. DILLON, thus suddenly transported to the dear dead days before the War, when he was hand-in-glove with the present PRIME MINISTER, considers that Mr. LOWTHER is open to censure for possessing a memory of such indecent length and accuracy.

_Tuesday, June 26th_.--A gentle creature at ordinary times, Lord STRACHIE has been roused to unexpected ferocity by the German air-raids, and advocates a policy of unmitigated reprisals upon the enemy's cities. Had his appeal been successful he would have been recorded in history as the mildest-mannered man that ever bombed a German baby. But Lord DERBY would have none of it. British aeroplanes--of which, like every nation engaged in the War, we have none too many--shall only be employed in bombing when some distinctly military object is to be achieved.

After much consultation with the military authorities the Government has decided that to issue general warnings on the occasion of an air-raid would tend to do more harm than good; and the LORD MAYOR (_teste_ Mr. CATHCART WASON) has announced that he will not ring the great bell of St. Paul's. The DEAN and Chapter, while regretting that Sir WILLIAM DUNN should be deprived of a health-giving exercise, had, as a point of fact, declined to countenance his contemplated invasion of their belfry.

Commander WEDGWOOD, I am sorry to observe, has almost exhausted the store of commonsense that he brought back with him from the trenches at Gallipoli. Otherwise he would hardly have championed the cause of Mrs. ANNIE BESANT, upon whose activities the Government of Madras have imposed certain salutary restrictions. What India wants, I understand, is less Besant and more Rice.

Now that young soldiers are to have votes as a reward for fighting there is logically a strong argument for taking away the franchise from those who have refused to fight. It was well expressed by Mr. RONALD MCNEILL and others, but, apart from the objections urged on high religious grounds by Lord HUGH CECIL, the Government was probably right in resisting the proposal. Parliament made a mistake in ever giving a statutory exemption to the conscientious objector. The most that person could claim was that he should not be called upon to take other people's lives; he had no right to be excused from risking his own. But having deliberately provided a loophole it is hardly fair for Parliament to inflict a penalty upon those who creep through it. And so the House thought, for it rejected the proposal by a two-to-one majority.

_Wednesday, June 27th_.--There is a general impression that membership of the House of Commons is in itself a sufficient excuse for the avoidance of military service. This, it appears, is erroneous. Only those are exempt whom a Medical Board has declared unfit for general service; and even these, according to Mr. FORSTER, may now be re-examined. This ought to prove a great comfort to certain potential heroes.

_Thursday, June 28th_.--Mr. JOSEPH KING'S chief concern at the moment is to get Lord HARDINGE removed from the Foreign Office, where he suspects him of concocting the devastating answers with which Mr. BALFOUR represses impertinent curiosity. Accordingly he raked up the old story of Lord HARDINGE'S letter to Sir G. BUCHANAN, and inquired what action the FOREIGN SECRETARY proposed to take. Mr. BALFOUR proposed to take no action. The letter was a private communication, which would never have been heard of but for its capture by a German submarine. Even Mr. KING'S own correspondence, he suggested, could hardly be so dull that everything in it would bear publication.

Mr. KING justly resented this imputation. Dull? Why, only this week his letter-bag brought him news of the great reception accorded in Petrograd to one TROTSKY, on his release from internment; and would the HOME SECRETARY be more careful, please, about interning alien friends without trial? Sir George Cave was sorry, but he had never heard of TROTSKY. There was a certain KAUTSKY, who had been interned--by the Germans. Perhaps Mr. King would address himself to them.

The MINISTER OF MUNITIONS had a good audience for his review of the wonderful work of his department. Who could refuse the chance of listening to ADDISON on Steel? I cannot honestly say that the result of this combination was quite so sparkling as it should have been, for the orator stuck closely to his manuscript and allowed himself few flights of fancy. But the facts spoke for themselves, and the House readily endorsed the verdict already given by Vimy Ridge and Messines.

* * * * *

"DOES GOD MAKE LIONS, MOTHER?"

"YES, DEAR."

"BUT ISN'T HE FRIGHTENED TO?"

* * * * *

"You remember that lachrymose elegiac of Tom Moore, The Exile's Lament, 'I'm sitting on the stile, Mary, Where we sat side by side.'" --_Canadian Courier._

No, frankly, we don't. But we seem to have a dim recollection that Lady DUFFERIN wrote something very like it.

* * * * *

A RESOLUTION.

I'll tell you what I mean to do When these our wars shall cease to rage: I'll go where Summer skies are blue And Spring enjoys her heritage; I shall not work for fame or wage, But wear a large black silk cravat, A velvet coat that's grey with age Beneath a high-crowned broad-brimmed hat.

I'll journey to some Tuscan town And rent a palace for a song, And all the walls I'll whitewash down Some day when I am feeling strong; And there I'll pass my days among My books, and, when my reading palls And Summer days are overlong, I'll daub up frescoes on the walls.

The world may go her divers ways The while I draw or write or smoke, Happy to live laborious days There among simple painter folk; To wed the olive and the oak, Most patiently to woo the Muse, And wear a great big Tuscan cloak To guard against the heavy dews.

Between the olive and the vine I'll make heroic mock of Mars, And drink at even golden wine Kept cool in terra-cotta jars; And afterwards harangue the stars In little gems of fervid speech, And smoke impossible cigars Which cost at least three _soldi_ each.

Let more ambitious spirits spin The web of life for weal or woe, Whilst I above my violin Shall sit and watch the vale below All crimson in the afterglow; And when the patient stars grow bright I'll draw across the strings my bow Till Chopin ushers in the night.

Such things as these I mean to do When Peace once more resumes her sway; To walk barefooted through the dew And while the sunlit hours away, If haply I may find some gay Conceit to light a sombre mind, As gracious as a Summer day, As wayward as an April wind.

* * * * *

A Legitimate Inference.

"FOUND, Brown Dog, very clever begging, great pet, believed property clergyman."--_Belfast Evening Telegraph_.

* * * * *

"The Molahiz of the district ordered to arrest the criminals and hand them to the Dilitary Authorities for trial has been able to seize the materials stolen. Enquiry is still going on."--_Egyptian Mail_.

The authorities seem to be living up to their title.

* * * * *

THE TWO MISSING NUMBERS.

A CONTRAST.

I.

My friend X. is normally the mildest of men. His temper is under perfect control; and in his favourite part of the angels' advocate he finds palliations and makes allowances for all those defections in the servants of the public which goad men to fury and which, since the War came in to supply incompetence with a cloak and a pretext, have been exasperatingly on the increase. Thus, serene and considerate, has X. gone his uncomplaining way for years.

But yesterday I found him on the kerb in the Strand inarticulate and purple with rage. His face was hardly recognisable, so distorted were those ordinarily placid features. His eyes were fixed on a receding taxi.

Fearing that he might be ill I took his arm; but he flung himself free. "Don't touch me," he said; "I can't bear it." Having reached a point in life when tact is second nature, I waited silently near him until the storm should have passed.

His eyes were still fixed.

After a short time he recovered sufficiently to turn to me and explain.

"I could have killed that fellow," he said.

"What fellow?"

"That taxi-driver. He went by slowly with his flag up and wouldn't look at me. I hailed him, and I know he heard, but he wouldn't look at me. Now I don't mind when they point, or make any kind of sign that they don't want to be hired, or say that they have no petrol, even if I don't believe it; but when they won't turn their heads or pay any attention whatever I could kill them. And there's such a lot of them like that. I swear," he went on, beginning to go purple again--"I swear that, if I had had a revolver just now, I should have shot him. When one man hails another, the man who is hailed must give some kind of an indication. It's only human. Society would fall to pieces if we all behaved like that chap. It's awful, awful! If I'd only thought of taking his number I'd run him in, and I'd carry it to the House of Lords if necessary. Such men--ugh!"

He broke down, smothered by righteous anger.

"Good heavens!" he exclaimed as I was leaving, "if I'd only taken his number!"

II.

The same night a miracle happened. It was very late, and the _debris_ of a little charity performance at an assembly-room had to be cleared away. The last guests had gone--in this or that conveyance, or on our best friends in war-time, the feet--and that hunt for a taxi, which has now taken the place of all other sport, was being prosecuted with more or less energy by a policeman, a loafer and two or three amateurs, all of whom returned at intervals while the packing-up was in progress, to say how hopeless the case was and how independent the men had become.

One passing cab I hailed myself, but he did no more than laugh a loud laugh of mere incivility and ironically remark, "Ter-morrer!" signifying, as I understood it, that nothing on earth should interfere with his homeward journey that night, since he had done enough and was tired, but that on the succeeding day, if I still required his services, he was at my disposal.

The various bags and parcels being now all ready, we waited patiently in the hall, and from time to time received reports as to the progress of the chase.

At last, when things seemed really hopeless, a taxi arrived, driven by a young man in spectacles, which were, I am convinced, part of a disguise covering one of the noblest personalities in the land--some Haroun al Raschid, filled with pity for lost Londoners, who is devoting his life to redressing the wrongs inflicted upon poor humanity by taxi tyrants--for he said nothing about having no petrol, nothing about the lateness of the hour, nothing about the direction in which we wished to go, but quietly and efficiently helped to get the things in and on the cab; and then drove swiftly away, and when we got to the other end insisted on carrying some of the bundles up three flights of stairs, and had no objection to make when asked to wait a little longer and go on elsewhere.

All this time I was, I need hardly say, in a dream. Could it be true? Could it?

And when he was at last paid off he said both "Good night" and "Thank you," although it was I in whom gratitude should have thus vocally burned. Perhaps it did; I was too dazed to remember.

How I wish I had taken his number, that all the world might know it and look for it, assured of a gentleman on the box!

III.

So you see there are both kinds of taxi-drivers still--only the bad ones are more difficult to get hold of.

* * * * *

"SMART GIRL, THAT NEW GOVERNESS--GOT ME TO LOOK AT THE TAPESTRY WHILE SHE PINCHED MY BREAD!"

* * * * *

Caveat Emptor.

"Leopard for Sale.--A full grown animal, about 6-1/2 feet. Purchaser will have to make his own arrangements for removal."--_The Statesman (India)._

This species of animal being notoriously unable of its own accord to change its spot.

* * * * *

"There are ninety million tons of tea in bond in the United Kingdom. This is sufficient to supply our needs for about fifteen weeks."--_Greenock Telegraph._

May we suggest that our contemporary should spare a few tons for the staffs of other journals?

* * * * *

"One Royal Family Member, who has rendered services to 4 big states as also the Government (and yet in service) and obtained a great deal of experience is entirely willing to accept a respectable post either of a Companion or a Household Controller or A.D.C."--_Indian Paper._

Can this be TINO?

* * * * *

"Mr. Herbert Samuel asked if the Government would give an undertaking that nothing would be done to expend public money in this connection before the House had had the opportunity of discussing the question?"--_Provincial Paper._

Fie, fie, Mr. SAMUEL.

* * * * *

"It is the new magistrates who have broken the ice, and the supporters of both camps are curiously watching to see if they will now find themselves in hot water."--_Liverpool Echo._

We thought this sort of thing only happened in the geyser-region.

* * * * *

"Home offered delicate person on small farm; partner pig, poultry, dairy."--_Observer._

This ought to cure any delicacy he might start with.

* * * * *

TO LORD RHONDDA.

DEAR LORD RHONDDA,--When you were an unassuming undergraduate at Caius College, spending your leisure-time in an eight-or a pair-oar, and stirring up the muddy shallows of the Cam, as you did to some purpose, I cannot believe that any premonitions of the heights of celebrity to which you would some day attain disturbed your mind. And yet here you are, a survivor from the foul and murderous shattering of the _Lusitania_, a coal-owner, a member of the Government, a peer, and the Food-Controller of a whole nation at war.

Your predecessor, Lord DEVONPORT, had no very happy experience of the post you now hold, and I can well understand that his life during his tenure of it cannot have been a pleasant one. Every crank with an infallible recipe for catching sunbeams in cucumber-frames and turning them into potatoes, or whatever might be the fashionable food at the moment; every grumbler who imagined that every rise in prices must be entirely due to the malignity of men and not to the scarcity of the article; every politician with a grudge to satisfy or an axe to grind--all these pounced upon Lord DEVONPORT as a victim made ready to their hands, and gave him a time which can only be described as a very bad one. Add to this the mistakes almost necessarily made by an office which was entirely new and dealt with unexampled conditions, and it is not on the whole surprising that difficulties were encountered and that the right way for overcoming them was not always taken. Indeed there was or there seemed to be at one time a lively controversy between Lord DEVONPORT and Mr. PROTHERO about the true meaning of the words _maximum_ and _minimum_ as applied to prices, and we were left to infer that these Latin monsters are virtually indistinguishable from one another.

However, all that is now over; Lord RHONDDA reigns in Lord DEVONPORT'S place and can profit by his experience. I don't want to delude you into the belief that all is plain sailing for you. You couldn't be made to believe that if I tried for a month of Sundays, and I don't mean to spend my time to no purpose. But I think the great body of the nation is determined that you shall have fair play and will support you through thick and thin in any policy, no matter how drastic, that you may recommend to their reason and their patriotism. This business of food-controlling is new to us as well as to you, but we are willing to be led, we are even willing to be driven, and we are grateful to you for having engaged your reputation and your skill and your firmness in the task of leading or driving us. And if in the course of your duty you encounter any genuine rascal endeavouring to grind the faces of the poor or to find his own profit in the misery of his fellow-men we look to you to give him short shrift.

I am, my Lord, with all goodwill, your Lordship's obliged and faithful Servant,

THE GATE OF HUMILITY.

* * * * *

_Officer (having pulled up recruit for not saluting)._ "NOW THEN, MY MAN, DON'T THEY TAKE ANY NOTICE OF OFFICERS IN YOUR BATTALION?"

_Recruit_. "WELL, SIR, IT AIN'T THAT EXACTLY; BUT I'VE ALWAYS BEEN ONE, AS YOU MIGHT SAY, TO KEEP MESELF TO MESELF."

* * * * *

"WANTED, Second-hand Invalid's Chair (tired wheels)."--_Kentish Mercury_.

Just the thing for a second-hand invalid; even the wheels show a sympathetic fatigue.

* * * * *

"Delirant Reges."

The Kaiser, prodigal of verbal boons, Congratulates his brave Bayreuth Dragoons Upon their prowess, which, he tells them, yields Joy "to old Fritz up in Elysian fields." Perhaps; but what if he is down below? In any case what we should like to know Is how his modern namesake, Private Fritz, Enjoys the fun of being blown to bits Because his Emperor has lost his wits.

* * * * *

One of the "Illuminate."

"Unfurnished room wanted by elderly lady with gas connections."--_Montreal Daily Star_.

* * * * *

AT THE PLAY.

THE ROYALTY TRIPLE BILL.